Diving Back In

I've gotten away from my adoption related reading lately.  I ordered a bunch of books, got them, and then my reunion came crashing to a halt back in December.  I put the books away in the back of my closet, and put them out of my mind.  Lately I've found some spare time and things are going a lot better.  I think I'm ready to try another book.  I loved Lost and Found by Betty J. Lifton, so I decided to give Journey of an Adopted Self a shot.  So far I'm loving it!

I think that reading books about adoption while in the right frame of mind is a great exercise.  For me, reading Lost and Found was like a light bulb going off.  All of these complex things that I felt were right there in black and white text published in a book!  I saw my history written for me in a way that I could understand and now verbalize.  And there were things in that book that I didn't identify with either.  No two adoptees are the same though so that made a lot of sense to me too.

Reading that book helped me so much.  It was the right time for me to read it though.  I was going through my reunion and saw how things could end badly after my first mother pulled back.  The fantasy was gone and I was ready to accept the truth, rather than this idea I had built in my head about what adoption is.  I was ready to hear some of the cons.  I'd been working towards that for a while and this book was the final push to make my views more realistic.

When my reunion with my first father was going well, I read those books because it was important for me to understand what was happening in my life.  I'd read that it was nearly impossible to find a good councilor versed in adoption issues.  So it was a way to see from an outside some of the things that were going on in my head.  It helped me so much and it's hard to put into words what it felt like to realize that I was normal.  Well, normal for an adoptee ;-)

Once things fell apart, I couldn't deal with the adoption stuff anymore.  I was still posting here, but it was really hard.  I really struggled back in December.  I was depressed, started battling an eating disorder, and really struggled with the point of it all.  It was a dark time for me.  I had to put everything aside and try to move on with my life.  It wasn't easy.  In January, I made a vow to myself to get better and I started working hard at it.  I stood up for myself with my first father and decided that I was going to take control of my own life.

I made some key decisions and slowly started to pull myself out of the ditch I had found myself in.  It was one of the hardest things I've done in a while, but I got through it.  I finally feel like the bulk of that drama is behind me and I'm ready to move forward.  I'm so much happier these days and I love feeling this way.  I've gained nearly five pounds, which is huge for me.  Things aren't perfect, but they never will be.

Perhaps before I was a bit too obsessive over all this stuff.  Now, I'm at a place where my adoption stuff fits into my life as it should.  It's a major part of my life.  There's no getting away from that.  Just like being a woman is a huge part of my life, or being an engineer.  Adoption will always be a part of who I am.  I can't change that.  But I can embrace it.  That being said, I don't want it to be my whole life.  I think I'm starting to find a good balance for everything.  So I'm going to read this book and see what happens.  I'm liking it so far and I hope to have a review up soon.

Adoption Baggage Go Away

I decided to take a chance and emailed my first parents.  I asked them for an update in a light, fluffy way.  It's the first email I've ever written and sent to them together.  Usually I deal with them completely separately, but because they want to meet me together, I have to deal with them as a unit.  I didn't want to have to do that, but who knows?  Maybe it will work out in an unexpected way.  I have a feeling it's the best way to approach this situation and I'm going to go with my gut on this one.  The way things have been lately, I'm sort of beyond the point of obsessing.  The chips are going to fall where they may.  Though I did email them yesterday and now it's today and I haven't heard back... So maybe this won't go my way after all.

I have some stuff going on in my life outside of adoption and my adoption baggage is getting in the way.  Ugh.  Thank you so much adoption baggage for making me feel insecure and for losing sight of the things that really matter.  Thank you so much adoption baggage for making me doubt the one person I shouldn't be doubting.  And thank you so much adoption baggage for adding an extra layer to an already layered life.  I so appreciate it.

However, to give myself lots of credit, I realized (a little late I know) that my adoption baggage was playing a role that I did not want it to play.  As in it was playing a major role in the shotgun position giving me bad directions and trying to get me lost when really I'd like it to be strapped on the roof of the car.  Sometimes it's all about realizing you have a problem.  Without admitting you have a problem, you can't work to fix it.  You can't work to make things better.  I know now that it's there.  Before I was listening to the bad directions.  Now I'm not.  I'm working on it.  I won't let it steer me in a bad direction.  I'm stronger than that.  I can handle anything.  I can handle my mom being so sick.  I can handle my dad being a jerk to me.  I can handle my first parents rejecting me for a second (and possibly third time).  I can handle family problems.  I can handle long distance problems.  I can do it.  I am stronger than I realize sometimes.

I am a fighter.  I will not let this baggage get the best of me.  It's not going to happen.  I won't let it.  Can I get a "Hell yeah!"? :-)

Getting Frustrated

So over the cycle

My first mother agreed to meet me the day that I asked her.  She emailed me back within a few hours and told me that she was going to discuss it with my first father.  I emailed her back a few days later and told her I was thrilled, and that I would like to bring my boyfriend if that was OK.  I framed it as a question.  My first father emailed me a few days later, and I emailed him back right away with some specifics.  I emailed him back my normal email a few days later.  I haven't heard back from either one of them at this point.

Sigh.  I wish I could say I was surprised.  I keep going over the situation in my mind, turning it around, wondering if I did something wrong or wasn't clear enough.  Each time, I come to the same conclusion.  I ended my last email to my first mother with a question.  It was clear that it was up to her to email me back.  My first father was clear; he'd let me know.  And I can hear the crickets.

The only thing I can think of is that I told my first parents that Rudy wasn't able to come up for a visit until the end of March.  So maybe they just figure they have a lot of time to get back to me.  Who knows?  I just wish I had a date.  I have to put in for a day off.  If I had known a few days ago, it would have been easier for Rudy to get the day off.  Now, he's going to have to call in sick.  Not good.  I'm getting a new boss in one week.  I sort of need to know the date.  Ugh.

I'm going to have to email to ask.  Which makes me look pushy I know.  I didn't want to have to push.  I was hoping that we'd be able to work this thing out without all the drama.  Whoops!  I should have known...  Chances are, I'm going to get an email from one or both of them saying that they've talked about it and it just isn't a good idea.  It's happened before.  My first mother with the phone call and my first father with telling my sisters about me.  Both times they strung me along and I had to ask them about it.  Neither one of them had the courage to come out and tell me outright, I had to ask them for that information.

I'm frustrated.  I asked a question, told her to take her time thinking it over, and she responded right away.  He followed up.  Now nothing.  I feel like I want to bang my head against the wall over and over and over.  I've been patient.  I've been understanding.  I've been forgiving.  I've bent over backwards to make things work for them.  But after all that, I still don't get an answer.  I'm still left hanging, wondering what's going on.  And I'm still left in the dark, the position they put me in all those years ago.

This isn't necessarily a reunion issue.  It's a people issue.  If a friend asked me to meet up for lunch, I emailed back saying yes, and they emailed me and asked for a date, then it would only be polite for me to email them back with the answer within a reasonable amount of time.  Internet etiquette states you have three business days.  While I get there's a gray area, it's been over two weeks.  At this point, it's rude.  Adoption/reunion aside, it's common curtsy not to leave someone hanging for two weeks.  If they couldn't figure out a date, one of them should have emailed me and let me know they were having trouble.  Bah.

Though I will say this about this situation: a year ago, I'd be completely obsessing over this.  It would be the main focus of my life.  But right now, I'm not.  I think about it when I check my email and realize there's nothing new at the beginning of the day (when I'd probably get an email from my first father with his new schedule) and I wonder about it when I blog (because that's sort of the status right now), but otherwise I'm able to set it aside for the most part. It's not ruling my life the way that my reunion used to.  I'd call that progress.

Reality's Sinking In

What a week.  There's no other way to define it.  So many things are changing.  I can feel the earth shifting under my feet and I'm waiting for things to settle down so I can return to solid ground.

My upcoming face-to-face really rattled me.  I was convinced that my first mother would say no.  I thought, "Never in a million years will she agree to this."  I was so set on protecting myself that I never allowed myself to dream of a world where she would say yes.  You see, my mother is a wonderful person.  She's kind, beautiful, compassionate, and good.  I know these things because that's what she was like when we started communicating two years ago.  She was generous.  She was excited to be talking to me.  She was never perfect.  She avoided hard situations.  At times she was melodramatic (her word not mine).  She wasn't honest about me, and that hurt.  But overall, she did the best she could.  And I appreciated her for that.  I respected her.  I love her, and I always will.  She's my mother.  The other stuff?  All water under the bridge.  Then I asked for too much.  And she started to protect herself more.  I was hurt by that.  We had come to far, hadn't we?  It seemed like the secret was becoming too much for her to bear.  She withdrew, something that's normal for reunion relationships.  We had a miscommunication which then lead to her withdrawing completely.  Gone was the woman I loved who told me funny stories about her past and made me smile.  In her place was someone else, someone who didn't email me back, said hurtful things, and said goodbye with a line that could have come out of a D.isney movie.

I wrote that email asking her to meet me not expecting a reply, or at least not expecting a positive one.  I wrote it more for me, so that I could feel like I gave it every effort.  So that I could know that I'd done everything I could.  And I got a response back that I'd never imagined.  It's funny, but I shared that note with my mentor, one of four people I shared my news with outside the online community.  She's been a major supporter of me and it was important for me to get her opinion on the email.  She was surprised because "she sounds like a good person!"  After everything I had told her about the actions of my first mother, she never believed me when I would tell her that NeverTooLate is actually a wonderful person when it comes to anything other than me.  I wouldn't have communicated like that for nearly a year with a woman who wasn't wonderful.

My first father emailed me and told me that his schedule was changing.  He and NeverTooLate were going to talk about everything that day.  He'd get back to me once things settled down.  I responded right back and told him about the Rudy situation.  I haven't heard back yet.  I'm not going to lie and say I'm not nervous.  This happened before you see.  NeverTooLate did say yes to a phone call initially.  She backed down two months later when I questioned her about it.  I'm nervous that it's going to happen again.  This time, my first father is involved.  I'm hoping that he'll help the situation.  I also took the time to explain why I wanted to meet her.  I didn't do that as well with the phone call email.  I'm hoping that makes a difference.  I'll just feel better once I have a date.  If I haven't heard by next week, I'm going to email them both (I've never done that before) and ask for an update.  Fingers crossed!

To top it all off, I'm still dealing with so much from last weekend.  It's finally starting to sink in, the gravity of the situation.  Not that I didn't know it was so serious before.  It's just that I'm starting to think about the long term consequences and I'm scared about what's going to happen.  There are certain areas of my life that are going to be changed forever, because of the actions of one person.  His decision to attempt to take his life has set off a domino reaction that's going to continue for a while.  Things will never go back to the way they were before.  All we can hope for is a better and stronger future after we put in the work to clean up this giant and complicated mess.

Talk about a roller coaster!

Future Worth Fighting For

It's taken me a few days to write about it, but this weekend was really really hard.  A person that I'm very close to decided that life wasn't worth living anymore.  I saw him mere hours before he tried to end it all.  He's still alive thanks to some quick thinking by a relative and a responsive paramedic team.  We have to wait and see how this all plays out over the next few days.  If you're a praying type of person, his family could really use the prayers.

I'm struggling to comprehend how it got to that point.  I knew things weren't going so well for him, but lately it seemed like things were going a lot better.  I saw him that day.  I can't get it out of my head.  I knew that something was wrong.  I knew it wasn't right, and I left.  I didn't want to embarrass him and I knew that his wife and children were home.

I've been trying to accept that there was nothing that I could have done.  I gave him a hug.  I told him I loved him.  And I left.  There was no way to know what he was going to do.  And he wasn't alone.  It was in no way my fault, but I still replay those moments over and over again.  I wasn't paying attention the way that I normally do.  I realized later that it wouldn't have made a difference even if I had.

It's made me realize how lucky I am.  Life isn't always easy, but I have hope for the future.  I can think of about ten things that he has to look forward to, but clearly he couldn't in that moment.  That's a sad thing.  I'm hoping that in time he comes to see how much he does have to look forward to, and that he fights for it.  I'm so thankful to have a future worth fighting for.

Here's a list as a reminder to myself of all the things that I have to look forward to:

1. Meeting my first family: With each new person I meet, there's so many new possibilities.  I'm sure that I won't get along with some, some relationships just won't pan out, and it's all going to be hard.  However, there's a good chance that some of those new relationships might work out.  And with each new connection, I learn more about myself and the person that I want to be.
2. Maintaining good friendship: I have a lot of friends out there.  I think of all the fun times that we've had, and I think about all the things we're going to do in the future.  I can't wait to share more nights that we'll never forever.
3. Restoring rights to adoptees: We're getting there.  With each state that opens records, we're getting closer.  No matter how small, I'm doing my part, including traveling to Chicago this summer.  I tell myself that blogging my story helps too, in the sense that maybe it's helping dismiss some of the stereotypes.  Maybe it does.  Anyway, this is something that I can continue to fight for and a legacy to leave behind for other adoptees.
4. All those question marks:  I don't know where my life is going to take me.  Who knows?  I'd like to end up in a nice house with a few kids, and live out my dreams.  I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm excited to have the future wide open ahead of me.  I can't wait to find out!

I'm going to try to live my life the way that it should be lived.  I'm going to fight for all my new beginnings and wonderful stories.  I believe in angels and I know that I have a few watching over me.  I don't want to give them a bad show...

Being in "Adoption Shape"

I'm getting there

Every day, I take another step forward.  Some days, it feels like I'm getting nowhere.  I feel sometimes like I'm stuck on the treadmill, running but getting nowhere.  It can be a frustrating feeling at times, to wonder what the point is.  I go for a run on the treadmill and I am tired.  I'm hot because it's next to the boiler.  I'm sore because I'm still getting into shape.  Not in pain, but still a bit sore.  And everything feels the same when I go on with my life, I'm just a more tired version.

But.  There is a major but here.  I did accomplish something.  A lot actually.  For starters, I'm working towards a goal.  I'm trying to stick with it.  I'm trying to finish something.  And every time I get on that treadmill, I'm getting a little closer to my goal.  Yes, I'm sore and tired.  But that's a good thing.  Because it means that I'm making progress.  I might be running in place, but I'm still running.  I'm a little stronger every day.  I go just a bit further, run just a bit longer, and improve just a little bit.  I just need to keep at it.  Maybe one day there will come a day when I don't hurt as much, or I don't get as tired as quickly.  That would be fantastic.  But I need to put in the work now.  I need to start somewhere.  And once the weather is a bit nicer, I'll be running outside.  I'll see where I'm going and will be able to look back where I've been.

This is a lot like my adoption process.  I've been hurt.  I've been tired.  And some days I really don't want to deal with all of this.  There are days when I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.  My first mother hasn't agreed to meet me.  My siblings don't know about me (heck, nobody knows about me in my first family).  It's frustrating.  But then I take a look back and see how far I've come.  Every email, every book, every blog post... Those are my days on the treadmill.  And each one of those things helps me get a little bit stronger.  I need to put in the work now.  I'll be dealing with this my whole life.  This is one thing that won't go away no matter how much I ignore it.  So if I do the work now, I'll be in shape for the hard things on the horizon.  I'll be in better "adoption shape" for when I have children.  I'll be in better "adoption shape" for when I lose my adoptive parents.  I'll be in better "adoption shape" for dealing with relationships with people in general.  All of these things are huge triggers that I've been warned about by some fabulous people.  I can't make those things any easier.  And they're going to be hard.  There's not much I can do about that.  But I can get into good "adoption shape".  I can exercise my adopted self and hope that I'm on the right training program.

I'm very proud of me for making it this far with my exercising.  And its helping me in more ways than one.  Wish me continued luck!

Request to Meet

It continues...

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm working on an email to my first mother asking her to meet.  It's been two years (weird) as of yesterday from when I sent my first letter to her.  We started emailing shortly thereafter (well, it took a month) and it lasted through the end of the summer.  In all that time, I never asked her to meet.

While that may sound weird, I did ask for other things.  I was taking baby steps.  First, I asked her to tell my first father about me.  She didn't.  Next, I asked her to speak to me on the phone.  She said she would, but didn't.  Each time she'd apologize and I honestly think she was being sincere.  She's not a bad person, just unsure of what to do next.  She was afraid of how her life could change and could only focus on the bad stuff.  She told me this (I add this so that people don't think that I'm trying to guess what she was thinking - this isn't a blog about my first mother's thoughts and feelings, it's about my thoughts and feelings and my perception of things).  Anyway, I asked to talk on the phone and when she finally told me she couldn't do it, things ended shortly thereafter.  I always assumed that we'd have to talk on the phone first before meeting.  I'm realizing now that doesn't have to happen. Nothing has to happen.  There are no rules.  We make it up as we go along.

I never explained to my first mother why I want to meet her.  I never actually went there.  I was so caught up in the phone call thing and trying to move forward that I never took the time to explain to her why it was so important.  Who knows what she's thinking or feeling about it, but she never heard from me why it's so important that I meet her.  It might not make one bit of a difference.  But maybe, just maybe it will.

I love my first mother very much.  I've been hurt by her actions before, badly.  I've been told things that I never wanted to be told, and I've had to face some harsh truths.  Yet, I still love her.  I still want to meet her.  And I still dream about her.  In the latest dream I met her in a coffee shop.  She was with KungFuPanda and they just happened to wander into the same coffee shop as me.  I don't like coffee.  NeverTooLate told me she doesn't like it either.  So weird.

My point being, I'm working on that email.  I'm going to tell her why it's so important for me to meet her, and why it can't wait.  I have to believe that if nothing else, at least I'll know that I gave it my all.  I tried everything.  I made every attempt, and I told her how I felt.  I can't believe I never told her why it was so important before. I'm going to fix that now.  It might have an impact, but I'm not going to hold my breath.  It doesn't mean that I can't try thought...

The Darker Side of Reunion

Sometimes people tend to forget that there were unintended consequences for me when I entered into reunion.  Obviously being adopted in the first place had some major consequences (my name, identity, family, friends, history, etc).  But my reunion sparked it's own set of consequences, some of which I think its easy not to think about. (Note: this is about my reunion. These are my consequences.  Not all reunions are like this)

For starters, I opened up to my family about my reunion.  It started with my parents and my sister.  My adoptive parents at first were supportive, but it's strained our relationship.  I've noticed that I've been treated differently since I told them I had found my biological family.  The Grinch felt betrayed.  My mom was hurt I hadn't included her in the search.  Both of them struggled with what my reunion meant to them, and to me.  They both worried about me, knowing the back-story that I didn't.  And my sister seemed OK at first, and then became jealous of both my sisters (just the fact that she had to share me with two people I've never met) and my reunion in general.  We went from being close to barely speaking and borderline hating each other.  She's finally starting to come around, but it's been a rough few years and I've had to get through them without my sister.

As I opened up to my extended family, they were supportive.  They still are.  But it's not something that they understand or really want to.  It's not discussed.  Things do get a bit more tense.  I do get treated a little bit differently.  And I notice.  Or maybe it's just my perception that's changed.  Maybe it isn't them, maybe it's me who treats things differently.  Either way, it's a consequence of my reunion.  While still close to my family, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in all the time, rather than just every once and a while like when I was a kid.

My reunion changed my relationship with Rudy.  Rather than being able to focus on us, I've had to spend a lot more time focusing on myself.  More time than I'd like.  While I know that it's better for us in the long run if I deal with this now, it's frustrating sometimes to spend so much time and energy on my reunion.  I've invested a lot of my life in these relationships that are still secret on their end.  And that's a lot to handle.  I'm so fortunate to have a supportive boyfriend.  And he's been amazing.  But I would still much rather spend the time I've spent on two failed reunions with my boyfriend and other friends.

There are a lot of positives too.  I don't want to discredit them.  I've met some fantastic people.  I've been inspired by the stories I've read.  I better understand myself, and I don't feel so alone.  Knowing my truth and my history has been an amazing things.  Before all this started two years ago, I had no idea where I came from.  I was ashamed of a history I didn't know.  I didn't know who I looked like.  I didn't know my own birth story.  I felt like I didn't know who I was as a person.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  I would search and contact all over again if I had the choice knowing what I know now.  I wouldn't hesitate.

But overall, there were a lot of things that this reunion has changed in my life because I was open about it.  I took a chance in opening up about it.  I'm glad that I did, but I think that often people forget that when an adoptee opens up about a reunion to adoptive family members and others, it can be a huge challenge and things do change.  It affects a lot of different relationships and it takes a long time to process.  Adoption reunion isn't always rainbows and butterflies.  Sometimes there is a darker side of reunion that gets glossed over.

So it's something to consider.  Something to keep in mind.  Adoption doesn't just affect the adoptee, adoptive parents, and first parents.  It affects extended families, friends, and others.  It affects future spouses, and future children.  And while being open is in my honest opinion the best way to handle things, it doesn't mean that it's always a walk in the park.  For me, I cared enough about my first parents to be open about our relationship and to take the negative consequences with the positive ones.  C'est la vie.

Writing an Email

I'm working on an email to my first father.  Boy, this isn't easy.  The way they stand right now is that we're emailing until this month when I'll let him know if things can go back to the way they were before.  Which is what he wants.  I know this because he told me so.

I've been doing a lot of thinking.  And it's so hard.  Because I miss him.  Even though I know I deserve better.  Even though I know having a secret relationship is hard.  Even though I know it's hurting me in the long run and that it makes me unhappy.  Even though things went south to the point I know I'll never be able to fully trust him again, not after him throwing me under the bus with such easy last month.  Even after all that, I miss him.  I miss talking to him.  I miss laughing with him.  I miss the funny text messages.  I miss having him in my corner.  I miss the support.  I even miss hearing about my first mother from him.  It's strange.  She wasn't always so nice to me, but he loves her.  She's his best friend.  And I love hearing about her through that lens.  He describes her so differently and it makes me see her in a different light.  It makes me see her as a good and kind person.  I like seeing my mother that way.  I've always loved her, and it was so hard to justify that after the way she treated me.  I liked hearing about her from him because it made things easier.  And I miss hearing about my sisters.  I've always been torn about that, but I do miss it.  But mostly I miss hearing from my biological father, the person who I'm so alike.  It's hard.

But I can't abide by his rules.  I can't only text him before noon.  And only on days when he texts me first because his schedule keeps changing and I never know when he's working anymore.  And I won't participate in a huge lie like this.  It was different before.  I wish I could put my finger on it and describe the difference but I can't.  Maybe now because it's gone from a lie of omission to a real, honest-to-goodness lie.  I don't really know.

In my heart of hearts, I know this is for the best for now.  I know that asking for either all or nothing is a better solution to me.  I'm an all or nothing sort of girl.  I don't do things halfway.  I either want everything or nothing in all aspects of my life.  I may hem and haw for a while at first, but in the end once I make up my mind I go for it, whatever it's going to be.  That's just who I am.  My first father once described me as determined.  When I want something, I don't stop until I have it.  Only he said it in a more flattering way.  He hit the nail on the head with one of my biggest flaws.  I don't know when to stop sometimes.  I think that this is my way of realizing that right now, I may need to stop.  I can't make him tell people about me.  I can't make him change.  I can't change the situation without hurting a lot of people.  And there isn't a clear answer here.

So I'm going to tell him that we can text and talk, but that I won't do it on a set schedule.  I won't agree to only text on his days at work and while he's at work.  I won't be a slave to the clock.  It's not fair to me.  So it's going to be up to him.  And I already know what he's going to say.  He won't be able to text me or talk to me if that's the case.

It's such a hard email to write.  I want to make sure I'm clear and that I pick the right words.  I don't want to come off like an angry crazy adoptee who's withdrawing.  But I also don't want him to think that it's OK for him to make up rules that aren't fair to me.  So we'll see how this all goes.  Wish me luck!

Secret Relationship

I have an aunt who always has a quote up her sleeve.  It doesn't matter what the situation, she always has a quote that fits and gives good advice.  She's the aunt I call when I'm having a bad day because she picks me back up again.  She's been so good to me the last few months, becoming like a second mother to me as I've struggled with my own mother not being there for me due to her illness.  And she's also the first person in my family outside of my parents I told about my reunion.  She was so supportive.  But she didn't like the situation I was in.  The reason I know this?  Some well meaning quotes were left where I could see them.  Gifts turned into packets of quotes she thought I would like.  When she knew I'd be visiting, she'd leave out scraps of paper where I could see them.  Subtle?  No.  Effective?  Yes.  The one that clearly spoke to me was:

If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

And you know what?  That's a true story.  My secret relationship with my first father feels wrong.  It feels like I'm a little kid with my hand caught in the cookie jar.  I feel like the other woman, which I can guarantee you is the oddest feeling when you're talking about your father.  I deserve better than that.

The thing is, I'm an adult.  I may not feel that way sometimes, but I've been an adult for a while.  I make my own decisions and I don't need my first parents permission to do anything.  They signed away their rights to make any sort of demands on me or have any sort of control over me as a person 24 years and 11 days ago.

I respect them as people.  I wouldn't "out" myself to their two minor daughters because my sisters are their children and I respect that.  But, that doesn't mean I don't have the right to contact anyone else, any other adult.  There are no rules against it, no laws to stop one adult from contacting another for the first time.  I'm not a stalker, I don't intend to harm anyone, and I have the right to contact someone I'm related to if that's what I want.  I'm not saying I'd do it.  I seriously doubt I would.  But if I don't, it's because I made that decision, not my first parents.

And I'm not going to enter willingly into a relationship where I have to check the time before texting like a mistress or something.  I'm sorry, but I deserve better.  I get that he's in a bad situation.  I don't know how he does it.  Before, I would try to be mindful of the time.  I tried not to text him on a day off.  But he was the one texting me on his days off.  He initiated it.  I followed unspoken rules before to try to make things easier.  But I won't follow dictated ones for the sake of making things easier for him when it comes to people who should already know about me.

It's not fair to me.  It's not right.  And I won't have anything to do with it.  I won't be in a secret relationship like that.  So I'm going to take my aunt's advice.  I'm going to do what's best for me at this point.  Here's a quote to leave you with:

If I don't see myself as a victim, then I'm not a victim. 
~Noomi Rapace

What's OK To Blog About?

Some interesting stuff has been going on in blogland.  I wanted to write about it last week, but I hesitated because of some real world drama I was dealing with regarding this blog.  But I think it's important to discuss.

The big question seems to be: what is it OK to blog about and what isn't?  I don't have an answer for this question.  I wish I did.  It's not a land of black and white.  It's a land filled with grays of every shade.  It's a minefield and nobody it seems agrees on exactly what's OK and what crosses "the line".  Because nobody really can say where that line is.

To me, adoption is very personal.  It took a lot for me to open up about, and a lot to post about it on a public blog, because this is after all a public blog.  I don't use real names, I keep things vague, and I don't post photographs of people.  The photos that I post of myself are obscured to the point where I don't think you'd know it was me if you passed me on the street (big sunglasses anyone?).  So I post publicly about a personal subject.  What's fair game?  It's something that I'm learning as time goes on.

My first parents don't know about this blog.  I've tried to be respectful of their privacy here.  I've never posted their pictures.  I don't use their names.  Most of the posts that reveal anything that's even close to a detail about this is located on a private blog.  If one of my first parent's family members found this blog, I've done everything I can to make it so that they wouldn't be able to figure it out.  I'm very careful of their privacy.  But at the same time, I know it might make them feel uncomfortable to find out I was blogging about our reunion, especially my first mother who is very very private.  Do I have a right to blog about what happened with her?

For me, I do think I can blog about it.  I've really struggled with this however.  I've questioned myself a lot about my motivations.  But while I'm not perfect and sometimes I move things over to the private site, I continue to blog.  It's my way of connecting with my larger community.  I have connected with others who are able to help me understand what she's going through better.  And I think it would be different if I used her name, if this blog was connected to me in real life, or if I was saying nasty things about her.  But I try to be positive.  I try to keep things neutral (though I know they aren't always).  I don't call her names.  I don't bash either of my first parents though sometimes I'd like to.  This happened to me.  I didn't have a say in it.  And this is about my life and how I see it.

The thing is, adoption is a part of my life.  But it's not my entire life.  So sometimes I post about other things, things that aren't 100% adoption related.  It happens.  I'm a person, I'm human, and I want at times to show my readers that "Look!  I'm a real boy!" kind of thing.  I know I have a number of non-adopted readers here.  Do you go out with your friends?  I do to!  Do you have family drama not related to adoption?  I do to!  Do you have trials in your life that aren't adoption related?  Me too!  Look!  We're more alike than you think!  I don't mean that meanly.  It's my way of trying to connect.  I hope I succeed, but I know that sometimes posts fall flat.  For that, I'm sorry.

Joy had some great advice over on Joy's Division.  Defiantly worth a read!  Also, some other lovely ladies posted similar topics last week too... Suz at Writing My Wrongs and Lorraine on FMF.  Check it out!

Decision Made About Sisters

I know, I know...

I've been thinking a lot about my sisters.  And how far I'm willing to go when it comes to them.  I've gotten a lot of advice.  There is a camp out there who thinks I should wait until they are older and then get in touch with them.  This group says that the girls are young right now (14 and 17) and that I should give them some time to grow up a bit before I come charging into their lives.  And there is another camp (slightly larger) that says I should do it now, because they are old enough, and they deserve to know about me.  So I've been listening to each side, thinking about the options, and trying to figure out what to do.

And in this process, I started to think about what it would eventually look like after they know about me.  And if they wanted anything to do with me.  And no matter how hard I try, I don't see it ending all that well.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe it could be wonderful.  But we have some major obstacles in our way.

For starters, even if they were able to get past the fact they have a sister they never knew about, I could see it being a major challenge to build a relationship with me while still living at home.  I don't have contact with our mother.  She doesn't want to meet me, she doesn't even want to talk about me with my first father, so I don't see that changing any time soon.  If my sisters wanted to discuss me with her, she wouldn't want to.  It would hurt her.  And I don't like the idea of my sisters being put in the middle.

Next up, we were raised very differently.  And I think it would be very hard for them to understand that I wasn't giving a better life, just a different one.  I know that from the outside my life at times looks perfect.  My adoptive family works very hard on appearances.  And I also know that I grew up "lucky".  I didn't have a horrible childhood.  But at the same time, who knows what my life could have been with my biological family?  And honestly, I wish I had known them growing up.  I struggle with identity, self-esteem, and relationships because of my adoption.  To a sister who only sees the world in black and white, I can see this being a problem.  I can see jealously in our future, on my part and on theirs.  It's not something that we couldn't overcome, but it would be a major challenge.

Then we have the extended family problem.  My first father does not think it would be a good idea for me to meet his family.  Now, if you know me at all, you know that doesn't mean anything to me.  If I want to get to know them, I'm going to.  So that's not the issue.  I'm an adult.  I can make my own decisions Thank You Very Much.  The issue is more that when my first father's family (and mine) finds out about me, there's going to be a lot of drama.  And my sisters are going to have to deal with all of it.  Which could cause further problems.  And on my first mother's side, we have the grandparent issue.  Because my grandparents were in a position to support her in keeping me and they didn't.  They encouraged the adoption.  But to my sisters, they were the best grandparents in the world.  So I can see that being a major problem as well when dealing with people who are very focused on seeing the world in black and white.  And I can see my sisters being defensive.  Heck, I would be too if I were in that position.

Then again, all of these assumptions could be wrong.  I could meet them, things could work themselves out, and in the end I could have a wonderful relationship with two more sisters.  We don't share a history but if we could get over that, maybe we could share a future.  However, nothing in either of my reunions went the way I had hoped for it to go.  And I honestly can't see it happening, not without my first parents cooperation.  Which I'm realizing the more time goes on, I'm not going to get.

I'm slowly getting used to the idea.  I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I'm letting it go.  It's taken a lot for me to get to this place.  But I'm working hard to grieve the loss of the fantasy and deal with my reality.  Someday they will find out about me.  And maybe we'll talk a few times, even meet a time or two.  But that's probably all that will happen.  And even that might not materialize.  So I'm moving on.  I'm accepting that this is the hand that was dealt to me.

I'm not going to "out" myself to my sisters.  I don't see the point.  I'm not really going to gain anything other than heartbreak.  And I'm not ready for more heartbreak right now.  It's going to take years before I'm in a place for that.  So thank you to everyone who has supported me in this.  It really means a lot to me.

I don't see myself as giving up, just realizing the reality of the situation and getting to a place where I'm ok with that.  It's working well for now.

How It All Ties In

I love how I get to make these posts every now and then.  Not really.  I know I've been blogging about adoptive family drama a lot lately.  And while it might be a bit annoying to some, I see it as adoption related.  Here's why.  Stories have been coming out about the Grinch lately.  I've been a lot more open about my reunion with the people in my life.  I'm working on being completely open.  This is something that I've kept bottled up for so long that it's not easy to open up about it.  It's taken a lot of courage to open myself up to criticism and negative reactions (of which I've received a few).  But at the same time, I can't expect SinginInTheRain or NeverTooLate to be open in their lives if I'm not open in mine.  I feel that's hypocritical.  So I'm working on it.  But that means that I'm having some interesting conversations.

So I start chatting with someone.  And somehow my reunion comes up.  I don't usually just bring it up, it comes up naturally.  Someone might ask me about my birthday and I'll mention that I spent part of the day with my first father.  Which leads to the abbreviated story.  And then the look.  And then the question: "And what does your father think about that?"  To which I respond: "Why do you ask it like that?" To which they respond: "Because of how protective he was of you and your sister!" Which is then followed with an explanation that usually ends with me trying to remain calm in the face of this well meaning person so they don't know that my blood is boiling.

When I was adopted, the Grinch told everyone that if my first parents showed up, he'd run away with me to Canada.  He was dead serious.  I was his daughter, and his alone.  Nobody else was going to take me from him.  My adoption wasn't what was best for me, it was all about him and his need to have children.  He loves me, don't get me wrong.  But he never once considered that if my first family showed up looking for me, it might be in my best interest to integrate them into my life.  When I was a baby, it was easy for him to pretend I was his.  He bought into the whole blank slate theory.  As I got older and learned how to talk, it became pretty clear that I'm nothing like him.  At all.  And no matter how hard he tried, I never would be.  I sort of look a bit like him (we have the same hair color and similar skin tones) but other than that, we have almost nothing in common.  So it was hard for him to deal with that.  I wasn't just his daughter.  If I was, I'd be more like him.

When my sister was adopted, my uncle flew out to Michigan to rent a car (I have a feeling the same was done for me).  My uncle (not sure which one, but one of the ones with a different last name than us) drove it back to Massachusetts to pick my sister up from the hospital/agency/where ever (I was three, I don't remember).  He didn't want the car to be traced back to us.  Keep in mind, my sister has a semi-open adoption.  My parents knew her first parents' names and addresses.  But he wanted to make sure that they couldn't trace the car back to him so they'd never know where we lived or our last name.

So a lot of his recent behavior makes some sense.  Things have gotten ten times worse for me ever since I mentioned the whole bed bug incident.  So the Grinch's possessive behavior and subsequent anger at me isn't completely unexpected as others tell me stories that help me to understand him better.

So my dear readers, it all ties in.  It's not pretty at all.  But such is adoption.  Joy.

Well I wish I could say I was surprised

She's Gonna Blow!

For once, it was super nice not to have to worry about the state of my reunion.  Things were going fantastic.  They almost felt, dare I say it... normal.  In the beginning, we had a set day to talk on the phone.  I could count on emails coming in once a week (usually late on Tuesday nights after a show my first father likes to watch).  Once I moved home, things got a bit more sporadic because I was dealing with my mom's health issues.  But eventually we figured out when to talk and the emails were still pretty consistent.  We met up a few times, but kept up with everything.  Great.

Then I started my job in August.  So I no longer had a day off during the week.  Which meant that I couldn't talk to my first father in the morning on his day off because I was working and busy.  So our once a week phone conversation was in jeopardy.  But here's the thing.  My first father and I get out of work around the same time when he works overtime.  So if he was going to work overtime, he would text me and we'd chat on my way home.  We both got home around the same time, so it worked out well.  There were a few issues with this though.  We never knew when he'd be working overtime.  So if he didn't get overtime, we could go a while without talking.  When it got bad, I tried to put time aside on the weekend when he'd be  leaving work so I could talk to him then, but it didn't always work out, seeing as my weekends were/are very busy.  Weekends are the only time I get to see Rudy, so every other weekend is spent with him and I pack normal weekend activity into the other weeks.  So I'm rarely hanging out at home with nothing to do.

And then the emails all but stopped.  I used to get one a week, or roughly four a month.  Now I only get one a month.  I've been apologized to.  The last email I got was only because I told him I had pictures to send him and wouldn't until I got the email he owed me.  All of this was done in a joking manner, but the point is that I shouldn't have had to do that.  Oh well.

But throughout all of this, the phone calls continued.  And we found a way to make it work.  And lets not forget the text messages.  In fact, when we didn't talk it seems like we texted more.  I'd prefer talking on the phone or an email to text messages, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

And then I hit a bunch of drama.  So I wasn't around as much.  I let SinginInTheRain know it wasn't him.  I've read on other blogs that sometimes adoptees pull away, the first parent thinks it's them and finds out later that it was because something else was going on in the adoptee's life.  So I didn't want him to think that.  In fact, I asked him for advice and he felt honored.  I texted him on Wednesday that I hoped he was having a nice day on his day off because I didn't want him to think I was ignoring him.  One text message.  Whatever, not a big deal, nor out of the ordinary.

Then I only got a few sporadic text messages, and they were one word mostly (not his MO).  Ok, he'd been working a lot and it's a busy time of year where he works.  Fine.  Didn't worry about it.  And then he had two days off.  We don't usually text those days only because more often than not, he leaves his phone in one room and watches TV another.  Or he's insanely busy and doesn't check his phone.  It's not that he ignores me on his days off, he ignores everyone.  I've been known to not answer my phone or return text messages on my days off.  Unplugging can be great.  So I didn't think anything of it.  I've been busy.  He's been busy.  I feel secure enough in our relationship that I didn't think anything of it.  Which really is pretty cool.  But on his day off Tuesday he had texted me first, so Wednesday I figured I'd reciprocate.  So I texted him "Hope you're having a good day off!"  And I never heard back.  Whatever, again, didn't think anything of it.  And then the next day I got a text message.  Rephrase: I got a cryptic text message.

"Sorry haven't texted.  Not having good days.  Will explain later."

Hm.  Ok.  Whatever.  I knew that things with his job were getting a little bit intense.  I also knew that things with Sandlot weren't going so great.  I figured that's what everything was about.  So he called me the other day on his way home.  He didn't sound like himself.  I told him about my day so he could sort of gather his thoughts.  Then I asked him what was up.  So he's been having a hard time at work.  What I expected.  And Sandlot, well, she's been hiding work and not doing it for school.  So they are having a hard time and don't know what to do about it.  What I expected.  And KungFuPanda saw the text message I sent on Wednesday and asked who I was.  And why I texted he so much.

Yeah.  Deep breath.  Bomb dropped.  Mind reeling.  And then some more.  I was asked not to text him anymore and that the phone calls were going to have to stop, except every once and a while.  He'll still email me, but he has to be super careful because she might start to figure things out.  Oh, and he's sorry. Oh, and his mother is visiting for a whole month.  And guess what?  She has early Alzheimer's.  Wonderful.  Any more bad news?  Oh yeah, he most certainly won't be able to call again until January.  Fantastic.  Merry Christmas!

I wish I could say I was surprised.  I have three posts I wrote Friday while I had time at work, so those are going to run while I process.  And then I'm going to figure out how to handle this.  Thanks for reading.

Organizing My Life

Tree from a few years back

Happy December!  Thank goodness we've gotten through November - Adoption Bewareness Month.  I've been busy getting organized and figuring out my life.  It's not easy, but I'm working at it pretty hard.  I used to be super organized and I lost track of it somehow.  So I'm trying to get it back, get back into the swing of things, and get productive again.  I was on a good streak a few weeks ago (Yoga everyday, getting stuff done after work) but then stuff happened and I lost track of things again.  Now I'm realizing that I have to force myself into it.  So I'm back to making lists and figuring stuff out.

I've been meaning to figure out my loan situation for a while now.  I've been getting stuff in the mail (I go into repayment mode next month as it's officially December now!) but it all comes in separately.  I have three different companies for loans (but only two websites to visit - one has two tabs which made me feel stupid when I couldn't find two of my loans).  With the whole apartment thing, I figured that I should really see what I can afford and what I can't.  And I discovered a few things.

First of all, because I've been sending in checks and big chunks of change every time I start to build up some savings, I've whittled down some of my loans already (saving everything last year helped too).  I discovered that I've already paid a very large sum and when I did the math (I'm a math geek) I have already managed to pay 27% of my loans off.  That's almost a third.  Almost.  Considering my loans are huge I'm pretty excited about the whole thing.  So that made me feel better.

I figured out that if I stay at home, I can pay my loans off in two years if I put all my extra money towards them.  Obviously, this is the most ideal situation.  If I have to get an apartment, I can pay them off in three.  So it's a difference of about a year.  This is assuming I don't get a raise (and I've been told I can expect one come the spring) and that I don't pick up an extra job (which is always an option for the weekends) and that there aren't any major financial issues that come up (which could always happen).

I'm going to stay home for now.  I have a few other options to make my life better.  I'm going to start staying with my grandmother on the weekends.  Had I gotten a job in Boston I would have moved in with her during the week to save on gas and the commute, plus she's lonely and 80 and could use some company.  So it's a good solution.  I'm also going to start pointing out when my father is treating me like crap.  I've been biting my tongue, but I think that if it's said out loud, he'll start to see that he's not being respectful or kind to me.  It probably won't work, but I need to try.  And I have places I can go for the night if things get really bad.  It's not ideal, but it will work for now until I can better figure out my situation and see how things go with Rudy.  If he transfers his job, I need to make sure that I'm not stuck in a lease.  If he doesn't, then I have more freedom.

On top of that, I did out my Christmas list and started shopping hardcore.  I have most of my gifts taken care of at this point.  I have a few more things to pick up, but I'm pretty sure I can get it all finished this weekend.  That only leaves wrapping.  Plus I was able to pick up a bunch of stuff for my mom too, so she'll be able to get all of her stuff wrapped next week so by the time Christmas rolls around, she won't stress.  We have a saying in my house.  My mother goes crazy two times a year.  Self-evaluation time for work (which isn't an issue anymore) and Christmas (which I'm trying to make as stress free as possible).  So we'll see how that goes.

I've got a lot going on right now, but I'm processing and dealing with things.  I cleaned my room last night, did a bunch of laundry, and organized my space.  That makes me feel better.  I have a few more things that I need to do, but overall I'm pretty happy with things right now.  I hope it stays that way.

My Pine Cone

I'm very proud of my pine cone
picture

I've been trying to figure out why I value pictures so much.  I can't figure out if it's an adoptee thing, or a "Jenn" thing.  It's driving me crazy, especially seeing as I've gotten into photography lately.  Not seriously, but I'm starting a new hobby.  It's fun and I'm working at it.  I read somewhere the best way to get better is to take pictures everyday.  I've been giving it an honest go.  Blogging started as a hobby, something I was skeptical about, but now a year later I still post once a day.  I have my lapses (cough July) but it's been working out so far really well.  So if blogging worked out, maybe photography will too.  I've only had my camera for two weeks and already I feel lost if I'm not holding it in my hands.  I see things differently these days; it's like I'm always looking for a good shot and I see them everywhere, even if I don't have my camera in my hands.  It's been driving me crazy trying to figure out why that is (I'm a need to know kind of person).

Part of it is that I'm a creative person.  You probably wouldn't know it looking at my blog but I used to be really into art.  I always took art classes in high school (and college too) and I actually know how to draw.  Maybe not people, but give me a pencil and I can make a mean sketch of that fruit over there.  I haven't been doing a lot of that lately.  Ever since I stopped taking classes, I've found that I don't take time to foster my creative side.  Even with dance.  I used to live for it, but now I barely have time.  My creativity has suffered, and I feel like I'm stuck in a rut.  So I'm trying to pull myself out by learning a new skill.  One that would be very helpful.  And great when it comes time to give gifts.  Can you say picture frames anyone?

Part of it is that I want to document things.  I want to document what I see, what I feel, and what is going on around me.  For too much of my life, I don't have that documentation.  My first two months are in the shadows.  The first baby picture I have is one they sent my parents to show what I looked like at two months old.  I'm not even looking at the camera.  It's a horrible picture, and I hate it.  I can't go back and recreate those pictures.  I'll never know what I looked like at a week, or a month, or two.  I'll never have a picture of my first Christmas.  There are no pictures that exist of me and my first mother because she refused to even look at me.  Wonderful huh?  But I can make sure that I have pictures from the rest of my life.  I can make sure that I can look back years from now and say, "See?  I was a person.  I existed.  And I lived."  I want my family to look back and see how many nice memories we made.  My latest group of pictures on Facebook came out really nice from the family wedding this weekend.  I know they appreciated it (they said so) and a few Christmas card pictures could potentially be used.  So that was pretty cool that I had documented that.

I took about twenty pictures of a pine cone last week.  Go figure.  But it finally came out the way I wanted it to.  It took patience.  It took practice.  And I couldn't give up on it.  And the best shot?  It was somewhere in the middle.  I had to go through each and every shot a few times to find it.  And it's not perfect.  I'm sure that if anyone reading is a serious photographer, they can see the flaws in the picture.  But that's ok.  It's a start.  I'm learning a lot, and not just about taking pictures.  I'm learning about life, and the best way to live it, aware of my surroundings and looking for the beauty in all things.

Preparations Part 2

Hope I'm not left out in the Cold!

See Part 1 Here

Yesterday's post was so long I had to break it up in two.  I'm preparing for my third visit with my first father.  Which happens to fall on my birthday.  This could go amazingly well, or really really wrong.  I'm trying to prepare for all the ways it could go wrong.

Now there are several things that could go wrong.  I'm being open about stuff right?  Well I know for a fact that my adoptive father has withdrawn his support.  He's taking everything out on me these days and I hate that, but there's not a lot I can do about it.  I'm the emotional punching bag, the person who stops him from exploding at my mother, and the peace keeper.  I hate that role but it is what it is.

I'm going to tell my mother about meeting up with SinginInTheRain because I promised her that I would.  I'm just going to wait until my dad isn't around.  Mentally, she's a lot more there now than she was a few weeks ago.  Like it's amazing the progress that she's made.  She's almost back to being her old self.  So while she might not remember, she'll almost defiantly remember if I don't tell her. So I'm going to keep my promise and let her know that I'm meeting up with him.  She might freak out and ask that I not go.  I highly doubt it, but it could happen.  More likely than not she'll just be like "Ok whatever" and that will be the end of it.  She might ask to meet him.  If that's the case, things could get complicated.  But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.  I'm not going to worry about that right now because I actually think her meeting him would be a good thing.  But I doubt it's going to happen.

My grandmother is going to be at my house for the day. You know, THAT grandmother.  Now I've sworn to be honest if I'm asked, but I can't see this ending well for me so I'm going to the "spa" as far as she's concerned.  Which is true because that's what I've decided to do after my visit.  I'm going to need to relax.  But there's a chance she might not come to hang out with my mom.  And because I have the day off, that would be bad because it's a lot harder to find a replacement for her if everyone knows I'm off.  Which they all do.  So if she doesn't show because her leg has been bothering her and she doesn't like driving, I might be stuck.  It's happened before.  The back up plan is to play the birthday card.  Hard.

"It's my birthday and I made plans to go to the spa!  I really was looking forward to this, can you PLEASE help me out and come watch Mom for a few hours?  I just really need a day for myself and it's my birthday and I need to relax."  

It might work.  I hope.  Wow, rereading that I realize I need to clarify.  I love spending time with my adoptive mom.  But it's stressful and challenging.  I don't want to spend my birthday feeling stressed and challenged.  I'd rather be at work than watching my mom by myself all day (she sleeps a lot too so I'd have to keep busy doing other things by myself at my house... not so much fun).  I'm not a heartless witch.  I was told that I'm not allowed to hang out with my mom that day by my aunt who has become like a second mom to me through all of this.  Because she wants me to be relaxed and enjoy my birthday.  It's the one day of the year I get to make it all about me.  So I will.

I could naturally run into problems with my adoptive father.  Who knows where his mind is at these days?  He will probably be coming home to see my mom around the time that I'm leaving.  Because it's my birthday, there's a chance he might want to hang out with me or take me to lunch.  I highly doubt it, but it could happen.  Or he could run to the mall to get something for my birthday and I could run into him there.  It could happen.  How awkward would that be?

"Oh hi Dad.  What are you doing here?  Oh, shopping for my birthday?  Um, cool.  So this is SinginInTheRain, you know, the person I'm not supposed to talk about or mention in any way because you feel threatened?  Well, this is him!  We're having lunch, on my birthday...  So yeah.  Well, we're gonna go.  Me and my birth father [first father].  Love you!  See you at home for dinner!"

Yikes!  That would be bad.  But it's a possibility.  To avoid super awkward situations like this one, I'm going to let him know beforehand I think.  I'm waiting until he's calm.  After I talk to my mom.  So I'll know how she feels first, and then I'm just going to mention it to him.  But he's going to have to be alone.  And I have to have a game plan.  And I need to be prepared to run out of there quick.  And I need to be ready to laugh it off.  I need to be mentally prepared.  And I have to figure that all out QUICK because I'm seeing SinginInTheRain in a matter of DAYS. (Eee!)

Most likely out of all these scenarios is that I'm going to run into someone I know.  This is not just likely, I'd be floored if it didn't happen.  So I'm going to have to introduce SinginInTheRain to someone I know.  Which is going to be interesting because I've never done that before.  And it's going to get back to my parents.  That's just how my hometown is.  You know how there are all these little towns across America where everyone knows each other's business?  I think that we place these towns geographically in our minds in the southern part of the country, or the western part of the country, or at least I do anyway.  Turns out we have them in the East as well!  So that ought to be interesting.  I'm still working on wrapping my head around this one.

Why post about this?  Because I'm preparing for the worst.  I'm preparing for hell.  That way, if something does go wrong, I'll either have a backup plan already in place or at the very least, be mentally prepared for it.  So that's why I'm blogging about this.  Getting ready for failure.  Because then if things go wonderful, it's even better.

Fingers crossed!

Fear

I've found a new adoption blogs lately. I've had people email and request passwords that I had no idea were following my blog. I can't even describe how good it made me feel to know that there are people out there who actually want to read my ramblings. Anyway, this has led me to some new blogs, which for me is like Christmas come early. I love hearing different ideas and different perspectives. I may not agree with everything that I read, but I respect that people have a lot of courage to put their thoughts and ideas out there.

I was reading one blog that really made me start to think about what made me overcome my fear of searching. I found my non-identifying information in August of 2009. I read the file through three times. I wrote down everything (my mind was in overdrive so it didn't occur to me to just photocopy the pages) on a tissue (yes, you read that right) and brought it with me to school. I put the tissue under my keyboard where nobody could see it and figured I'd start searching. After three months I typed up the information just in case something happened to the tissue.

Yet I didn't search. Sure, I made a few runs at Google, but never seriously. I never even tried my first mother's name and the last name of my original name. This would have given me a direct hit on WhitePages.com, another site I gave a go at 2:30am one morning when I couldn't sleep (the insomnia was killing me). I think that I didn't seriously try for a while because I was scared. My adoptive mother always cautioned me against searching. "What if she doesn't want to be found?" That thought kept going through my head. What if I was rejected? What if I ruined her life? I was so scared, I was paralyzed for months.

I wasn't sleeping. I love sleep. I need eight hours to function properly. I go to bed super early. My dad calls me an old lady. So for me not to be sleeping is a huge thing. What was I going to do? Could I find her? How would I do so? What if she didn't want to be found? These questions kept going through my mind over and over and over. I nearly went crazy from lack of sleep. I was a zombie at work, a zombie in class, and my friends started to notice.

Finally, I knew I needed to make a change. So rather than trying to find my first parents online, I tried to find some support. Over to adoption.com I went. Didn't have all that much luck there. But it did lead me to a few adoptee blogs. And I started reading. And I realized that I could hope. I could hope for a positive response. I could hope that things would go well. And I could hope that things would work out alright in the end. Reading those blogs helped me to overcome my fear. And if things didn't work out, well, I'd be joining a long line of people who went before me. At least I'd be in good company.

So I was able to overcome the fear. And I was able to send that letter. And I was able to start blogging myself. While maybe things didn't work out the way I wanted them too, they have managed to work themselves out in their own way. I have hope for the future. There's a lot of future left for us (I hope, I mean anyone could get hit by a bus tomorrow) and I'm going to try to stay positive about everything. So I guess I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks to my friends for letting me know I was worth it. Thanks to the bloggers out there who gave me hope. And thanks to everyone who has helped me on this journey. I wouldn't be where I am now without you!

Internal Debate

I've been in a funk. I feel bad for people who have had to deal with me this past week. Things have just been "off". I have a decision to make. It shouldn't be a hard one. It shouldn't be a big deal. Yet it is. I've been invited to my high school's fifth reunion. I know, I know. Nobody likes reunions. It's hell for everyone. If I don't want to go, I shouldn't. It’s a bit more complicated for me.

For me, high school was hell. I don't think I'm alone in this at all. I had problems with friends for a long time. I have trust issues with girls. I'm not sure if they stem from adoption (which is a definite possibility) or if it's because the girls I was friends with and I had problems. A lot of problems. I was the girl that got kicked out of the lunch table. To this day I can't help but wonder why a middle school would have a table policy where only so many people can sit at one table at lunch. And why teachers would make just one student move. A teacher told my table that one person had to move and watched me move alone, watched nobody volunteer to go with me, and watched me eat alone. This teacher did nothing. I don't blame those girls. They were 13 and 14. What did they know? I do blame the adults. Anyway, I didn't really have a core group of girlfriends that I could trust in high school. The people I did put my trust in probably weren't the best people to trust. So I was doomed from the start.

Added to that was the fact I wasn't popular by any means. While we lived in a nice house, it was nothing compared to the other homes in my town. My parents were good at putting on a good show, but they couldn't afford the latest clothes so I was never "in style". I was smart. Too smart sometimes. I did well in class and the teachers loved me. I was labeled a nerd and therefore untouchable. By the time my senior year rolled around, I was miserable and couldn't wait to get out. I was having trouble with my mom at home, I was pissed off because my "best friend" started dating the guy I liked, and my friends all forgot my 18th birthday, a day that was really hard for me to begin with. So great senior year.

I wasn't smart when it came to social stuff. I liked a boy who got picked on. I stood up for him, which was the right thing to do. I called a few boys on their crap. And it worked, they stopped picking on the boy. Instead they turned to me. Instead of calling him stupid, they told me I was stupid because I was a girl. My ideas were instantly shot down in my engineering classroom. I was bullied, harassed, and messed with. I was cornered in a closet. I was attacked from behind. And NOBODY stood up for me. They sat back and watched it happen. The teacher was never around. I had the option of reporting it, which at my school would have been taken seriously (though not as seriously as it would be taken now). Yet the main boy who was bullying me was a popular guy. And his best friend was a bitchy girl who reveled in making other girls miserable. Think that movie Mean Girls. So I didn't say anything. I was at the bottom of the totem pole, but kept a low profile so I wasn't too miserable. I knew if I reported what was happening to me, they would make my life a living hell. I had nobody to turn to so I kept it to myself. I didn't tell my friends, I didn’t tell any teachers, and I didn't tell my family. My grades went from As to Ds and nobody questioned it. I withdrew, they thought it was typical teenage drama. It happens.

My boyfriend was the first person I told about what happened to me. I had to explain why I don't like people sneaking up behind me and why his innocent gesture was met by a panic attack. Telling him gave me the courage to tell two of my friends. One knew me in high school, but not well enough. She was amazed that something like that actually happened in our high school and she didn't know about it. I'm sure a lot more than that went on and I'm sure that worse things happened to good people. I don't think what happened to me was the worse thing in the world, but it was bad enough that five years later I still try to block it out.

I haven't seen those boys since I graduated. I'd be happy never to see them again. I hope karma comes around and gets them. I'm usually a nice person. But not when it comes to them. They most certainly will be at this reunion. If I want to avoid them, I wouldn't go. But is that giving them power over me? It's been five years. I'm not the same girl. I can turn and walk away now. I can stand up for myself. And I have a fantastic group of friends that I connected with after graduation that totally have my back. I'm not at the bottom of the totem pole anymore. I'm worth more than that and I know it.

So to go, and deal with seeing them and the possible panic attacks that will ensure, or to stay home and try to recover. I don't know. At least I have until November to figure it out!