I Have Options

I've been thinking a lot about options.  I'm starting to realize that I now have a lot more options than I used to.  It's just funny because my reunion has been completely stale for the last three months.  Things weren't changing and they didn't look promising for a while.  Actually, it was getting really hard to blog because I wasn't sure what to write about.  There are only so many posts you can do on general adoption every day before you start to run out of ideas.  My style is to write about my own experiences with adoption but with almost no new experiences, it was getting a little rough.  So now I've got plenty!  Hehe!

The obvious change is that I will be meeting my first mother.  This is huge.  I have always hoped that someday it would happen, and I'm thrilled that it's happening now.  I feel better than I've felt for a very long time and for the first time in a long time, I feel secure with my life in a way I haven't before.  I have a plan, I know where it is that I want to go, and I'm making steps toward that future.  Meeting my mother was one of my goals for the year.  In fact, it was the biggest goal for the year.  I just feel like this is the right time for me and who knows what could happen from here?  This could open up doors or close them.  Either way, loose ends are going to be tied up and we'll both be able to move on finally.

For the first time, I have the ability to be found.  I have several first family members on Ancestry.com.  They have the ability to find me if I make my tree public.  I currently have the tree set to private.  I was going to change the setting, but now I'm waiting to see how my meeting goes.  I'm going to make it public eventually, I just don't want to overwhelm myself.  I don't want to meet my first mother and then be found immediately afterward and thrown into another reunion without fulling processing the big one (or to be found before I meet her and to have her change her mind... that would be very bad).  I want to give myself some time to sort through anything that meeting my first mother will stir up.  If I assume that nothing is going to come out of it, then that's just naive on my part.  So while it's an option, one that I had in my back pocket if my first mother said no, I'll probably not exercise my right to make my tree public for a little while longer.  I don't want to overwhelm myself, and I know it doesn't take much to do that.

KungFuPanda also turns eighteen within the next few weeks.  Before, my hands were tied as she was a minor.  I couldn't contact her or hope to be found.  That was very hard for me.  My sister will soon be a legal adult, and therefore I have nothing holding me back from contacting her.  I still think that it's best coming from my first parents.  I'm hoping to figure some things out with them when I meet them (pinch me!).  We'll see what happens.  I'm really hoping that after meeting me, my first mother will be able to set some of her fears aside and realize that it doesn't have to be a bad thing.  This is another area where I have to be really careful not to overwhelm myself.  I have to carefully balance everything and not jump into something when I'm not prepared to deal with it.  Before I was thinking that I'd contact her this summer.  Now I'm thinking I'm going to put that plan to rest until the dust settles from meeting my first mother.  I have to do what's best for me and I'm struggling with what that might be.

I have options.  I can make changes if I want.  My hands aren't as tied as they used to be.  It's just funny to me that all of these options opened up at the same time.  I think that if things hadn't worked out with the whole meeting my first mother thing, than I'd be seriously looking into other options.  As it is, I'm going to sit back and see where this ride takes me for now.

I Love Technology

A Picture of my Stylus
Drawn with my Stylus!

I've been having some fun with technology lately.  Seriously.  I'm a technology girl and I always have been.  I used to think it was sort of weird because I had no clue where it came from, but now I know that it's a family trait.  I have some great products that I have fun playing with.  I recently got a stylus for my tablet.  I didn't have one before because I didn't think I needed one.  But I'm having a tough time with the on-screen keyboard because I'm a "touch typist" so I don't look down when I type, I just feel for the keys.  You can't do that on an on-screen keyboard so I'm having a rough time with it.  Because keyboards are so expensive, I figured that maybe it would be nice to get a stylus and write instead of typing.  It was worth a shot.

I found a stylus online for less than $10 with shipping and ordered it.  Writing is great, but I'm a perfectionist so it takes me longer to write than type on that keyboard because I'm always going back and rewriting so it will look neater.  Whoops!  It was worth a shot.  I did however realize that the stylus makes it a lot easier for me to draw on my tablet and phone.  Which is how I used to draw my pictures for the blog.  So in case you haven't noticed, I'm back to drawing the pictures on my blog and I've come up with some new art.  I'm always going to try new things for the illustrations.  That's just how I am.  But I'm pretty excited about having a new way of drawing.

I used to draw a lot.  I took art classes for a long time, even one in college.  It was a big hobby of mine.  At one point I thought about art school.  Then I gave up on that to pursue other things.  It happens.  I haven't had a pencil in my hand and a sketch book for a long time.  The stuff that I had been posting on here were drawn using my finger or the mouse.  Recently, I've had a stylus to help so it's a lot more like the drawing that I used to do.  It's going to take me a while to get used to the feel and the new pressure and such, but I'm having fun.

Technology is so cool like that.  There's always something new to explore or some new way to apply old tricks.  I never thought that I'd be illustrating blog posts on a tablet.  And I can't believe it didn't dawn on me earlier that it's a great way to express myself in a way that I feel more comfortable.  Go figure.

Another great thing about technology is that it's black and white.  A computer can do certain things, and it can't do other things.  You write a program and if it's written well, it works or it doesn't.  Any flaws come from the people who wrote it.  You punch into a calculator 2 + 2 and you'll always get 4.  If you get a different answer, go back and you'll find that you typed in the wrong thing, like maybe 2+1 to get a different answer.  It's the human that's flawed, not the calculator.  Computers are binary.  It's either true or false, 1 or 0.  There is no analog signal.  I tend to trust technology more than people.  Technology doesn't lie.  People do.

I'm going to have some fun drawing on my phone and tablet.  I'm having fun with the bright colors and the new graphics!

How Blogging Fits Into My Life

Blogging isn't something for the weak of heart.  I'm not talking about people who blog privately for their family and friends.  It's a fantastic way to keep people updated, but it's not quite the same thing as blogging publicly when your readers probably don't know you in real life.  It's not something that you can take on without being willing to put yourself out there.  I have strangers reading about some of the most personal things about me.  And they have the all powerful choice of commenting.  And they can say whatever they want about my very personal thoughts.  I've been very lucky that my readers have been kind to me in the comments thus far.  But that doesn't mean it will always be that way...

I've had a few discussions lately about blogging and how it fits into my life.  For me, this is a blog about my life as an adopted person.  The adopted part is what I write about most frequently, but that doesn't mean that I never blog about other things in my life.  Or the people in it.  That being said, I do my best to keep things private as much as I can. I'm somewhat anonymous here and I don't use real names.  Yes, I use nicknames but unless you know me in real life, you'd have no way of knowing who those people are.  It's just a lot easier to write "Rudy" than "my boyfriend" (and so on and so forth).

As in any adoption blog, I'm going to blog about my family.  My adoption is surrounded by family.  One family gave me away and another family took me in (in one manner of speaking).  So that means that my first parents are going to be a frequent topic, you know, because they are the ones who put me up for adoption.  Just like my adoptive parents are going to be frequent topics of discussion, you know, being the ones who took me in and all.  As for the rest of my family, yes, they are going to come up.  They play a part in my adoption story.  My sister is the one who gave me the information I needed to complete my search.  My aunts have been super supportive when I've needed to talk about my adoption issues.  My first uncle and I share a profession (how random is that?), which is probably going to come up.  Otherwise, what would I write about?

I'm not just about adoption.  I have other things going on with my life.  I have a boyfriend.  I have friends.  I have a job.  All of these things may or may not come up in my blog.  I'm human.  I'm a person.  I have a life.  That's the thing about adoption.  It's always there.  It's always present.  And adoptees have to live with that each and every single day.

Rudy knows that I blog here.  He picked his own nickname.  He sometimes reads here.  I have two friends that I gave this blog address too.  One from my hometown (the only one from my hometown with the URL other than me) and one from college.  That's it.  Three people from my "real" life.  I haven't passed out the URL because I don't like the idea of writing thinking that my entire family is reading over my shoulder.  I don't think I could be as personal.  It's too intense for me to think about that.  And honestly?  I don't think I could handle having such intense conversations about adoption with my adoptive family (or my first family for that matter).  They don't know how painful my adoption has been for me, and it would hurt them to find out.  So I keep my happy adoptee face on when I'm around them, and write about my pain here.

I've been debating going private lately.  I'm still debating, but I'm airing on the side of keeping this public after I read something on Facebook last week about not letting one person ruin your day if there are almost 7 billion other people out there.  I just don't want to deal with drama.  I'll probably keep it public.  We'll see.

Thanks for reading,

Being in "Adoption Shape"

I'm getting there

Every day, I take another step forward.  Some days, it feels like I'm getting nowhere.  I feel sometimes like I'm stuck on the treadmill, running but getting nowhere.  It can be a frustrating feeling at times, to wonder what the point is.  I go for a run on the treadmill and I am tired.  I'm hot because it's next to the boiler.  I'm sore because I'm still getting into shape.  Not in pain, but still a bit sore.  And everything feels the same when I go on with my life, I'm just a more tired version.

But.  There is a major but here.  I did accomplish something.  A lot actually.  For starters, I'm working towards a goal.  I'm trying to stick with it.  I'm trying to finish something.  And every time I get on that treadmill, I'm getting a little closer to my goal.  Yes, I'm sore and tired.  But that's a good thing.  Because it means that I'm making progress.  I might be running in place, but I'm still running.  I'm a little stronger every day.  I go just a bit further, run just a bit longer, and improve just a little bit.  I just need to keep at it.  Maybe one day there will come a day when I don't hurt as much, or I don't get as tired as quickly.  That would be fantastic.  But I need to put in the work now.  I need to start somewhere.  And once the weather is a bit nicer, I'll be running outside.  I'll see where I'm going and will be able to look back where I've been.

This is a lot like my adoption process.  I've been hurt.  I've been tired.  And some days I really don't want to deal with all of this.  There are days when I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.  My first mother hasn't agreed to meet me.  My siblings don't know about me (heck, nobody knows about me in my first family).  It's frustrating.  But then I take a look back and see how far I've come.  Every email, every book, every blog post... Those are my days on the treadmill.  And each one of those things helps me get a little bit stronger.  I need to put in the work now.  I'll be dealing with this my whole life.  This is one thing that won't go away no matter how much I ignore it.  So if I do the work now, I'll be in shape for the hard things on the horizon.  I'll be in better "adoption shape" for when I have children.  I'll be in better "adoption shape" for when I lose my adoptive parents.  I'll be in better "adoption shape" for dealing with relationships with people in general.  All of these things are huge triggers that I've been warned about by some fabulous people.  I can't make those things any easier.  And they're going to be hard.  There's not much I can do about that.  But I can get into good "adoption shape".  I can exercise my adopted self and hope that I'm on the right training program.

I'm very proud of me for making it this far with my exercising.  And its helping me in more ways than one.  Wish me continued luck!

I Like Writing

I was at lunch the other day and someone started talking about the importance of writing.  We were discussing college classes and how even computer people have to take English classes and do lots of writing.  Bet you didn't know that engineers are expected to be writers, did you?  Anyway, it got me thinking about my own writing and all the writing I do.  I do a lot of writing here.  Some posts are short, some are long, but there's a post (almost) everyday.  And you know what?  It's a lot easier now than it used to be.  I look back at some of the earlier posts and see how far I've come.  It's a great exercise and I'm really enjoying it.

This isn't my only blog either.  I have a blog that for now is private about my relationship with Rudy.  It's private because I want to make it look awesome before I give out the address and I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it.  It's a personal blog that I'm going to be sharing with my family and friends but I'm not sure if anyone really wants to read it.  In actuality, it's more for just the two of us as a chronicle of our relationship so we'll have the memories someday (like a live scrapbook that's always being added to).  So even though I don't write there everyday, it's a completely different experience to write for myself in the future.  If that makes sense.

I also started a super private blog.  I've decided to let the sister thing go for now.  But because I'm me, I can't really let anything go.  So I've started a super private blog where I'm writing them letters everyday.  Sometimes I write about me and my history, sometimes I write advice I wish I could give them.  I don't ever write about our parents.  Some posts are pictures I want to share with them.  Sometimes I just post a quote.  But everyday there's something there.  They might never see the blog.  It's more for me to feel like I'm doing something.  If we do get in touch, I can either give them access or I can chose from my letters and send a few to them.  We'll see.

That's a lot of writing.  Lots and lots of writing.  I'm glad I have the time now.  I don't think I always will.  So I'm going to keep writing as much as I can right now and keep going for as long as I can.  And because I'm in the habit of writing everyday, I hope that when things get crazy again (and we all know they will), I'll still be able to write and keep it up.

Plus all this writing means that my typing has gotten a lot faster.  Which is amazing.  My goal is to get up to 75 WPM by the end of the winter.  I can do it.  I'm floating around 72 right now.  Hehe!

Ability and Willingness

I love comments.  Like seriously.  Because sometimes, wonderful things come out of comments.  Other times not so much, but hey, it happens.  I learn a lot from comments that are left here.  Sometimes it's another adult adoptee commenting.  I love those comments because they make me feel connection to "my people".  Other times it's first mothers, and I love those comments because I've met some kick ass first mothers who offer a great perspective.  And they make me feel less crazy and like my first mother maybe isn't the majority (which would make me sad).  And sometimes, its adoptive parents, and those comments often make me think.  I've gotten some great support from some adoptive mom's (haven't had an adoptive dad yet, but who knows?) and I've gotten some great comments.

Adoptive Mom Lavender Luz left this fantastic comment that really got me thinking on my last post responding to comments:

I have often wondered about the different circumstances surrounding placement and how they might affect the child placed. Such as babyscooped, or if the mother WANTED to parent but wasn't able to for whatever reason, or if she COULD have but wouldn't. The question of ability vs willingness -- which would be more difficult to face?

Thank you for responding to Esperanza's question. Lots to think about with adoption reform and finding a home for a child rather than a child for a home.

I am so sad that your mother has never told you she loves you. How do you fill that hole. Can you?

See?  What a great comment!  One that really got me thinking.  And when I think, I blog.  So you get this nice blog post about ability vs. willingness.  Which would be more difficult to face?  Now I've only really faced one but my story isn't really cut and dry.  There was a lot going on at the time.

Here's what happened with me.  My first parents got pregnant.  My first father didn't know, went away for training.  I was born.  My first mother decided to put me up for adoption (at this point, nobody knew about me).  My first grandparents found out about me and told my first mother she could either continue with her adoption plans or she could move out.  My first father returned home and found out about me.  A week later, my parents terminated their rights and put me up for adoption.

Sounds simple right?  Well, my maternal grandparents may not have been wealthy, but they've done very well for themselves.  They were young (in their late 40's) when I was born.  They had a house, lived comfortably, and had the resources to raise another child should they wanted to.  But they didn't.  And they had no warning. They found out about me the day after I was born.

My paternal grandmother was older.  She raised several of her grandchildren.  In her family, children stay in the family.  However, she probably wouldn't have been able to take me in.  I have an aunt who was looking into adopting a child around that time.  She could have taken me in (according to my first father).  Only my first father did not want me to stay in the family because he didn't agree with the way his nieces and nephews were being raised and didn't want his kids to be raised that way.  I guess he wanted how I was raised to be completely unknown.

Also, my first parents got engaged less than a year after my birth.  Maybe that wouldn't have happened if they had kept me.  But they did stay together.  So did they have the ability?  Probably.  My maternal grandparents could have stepped up and supported their daughter.  They could have raised me.  My paternal family could have raised me as well (and probably would have wanted to had they known about me).  My first parents could have gotten an apartment together and tried to work it out.  It would have been scary and hard, but they wouldn't be the first 21-year-old's to be in that position.  I'm not saying that's the right answer, just that they may have had the ability to raise me.

However, they ultimately didn't want to.  If they wanted to, they would have asked my first father's family for help.  They were afraid their relationship wouldn't survive the struggles of having a child.  My first father didn't have a job and was debating enlisting.  My first mother already had separated herself mentally from me and saw me as someone else's child.  They chose not to parent.

That was really hard to face.  They could have kept me but they didn't.  Everything that I've written above, the fact that it wasn't black and white, did not matter to me when I first realized that.  It didn't matter to my inner child, the one who had questioned why I was given away ever since I can remember.  It didn't matter to the person who often wondered what was wrong with me as a baby for someone to give me away.  There is no easy way to take the fact that your parents did not want to raise you.  My first parents did not move mountains to try to parent me.  That honor goes to my adoptive parents who jumped through every hoop.  But for my adoptive parents, any baby would have done the job.  That wasn't personal.  For my first parents, it was.  The two do not balance each other out.

I would have preferred for the problem to have been with ability.  That's just me though.  Maybe it's a grass is always greener thing.  I'm happy that I know the truth.  I'm glad that I know why.  But it doesn't make it hurt any less.  I would rather be able to feel badly for my first mother and be able to say, "She did everything she could to keep me" rather than "She didn't want to parent me".  Again, that's just me though.

As for the last part of the comment, I don't think there is a way to completely fill that hole.  I think I will be able to more fully heal after I meet her.  I feel like I'll be able to walk away.  I feel like I'll never fully understand her, but I'll always love her.  To me, love isn't about being loved in return.  That's the beauty of it.  I can love her without being loved back.  And loving her is a huge part of my life, and it somehow makes it better.

What's OK To Blog About?

Some interesting stuff has been going on in blogland.  I wanted to write about it last week, but I hesitated because of some real world drama I was dealing with regarding this blog.  But I think it's important to discuss.

The big question seems to be: what is it OK to blog about and what isn't?  I don't have an answer for this question.  I wish I did.  It's not a land of black and white.  It's a land filled with grays of every shade.  It's a minefield and nobody it seems agrees on exactly what's OK and what crosses "the line".  Because nobody really can say where that line is.

To me, adoption is very personal.  It took a lot for me to open up about, and a lot to post about it on a public blog, because this is after all a public blog.  I don't use real names, I keep things vague, and I don't post photographs of people.  The photos that I post of myself are obscured to the point where I don't think you'd know it was me if you passed me on the street (big sunglasses anyone?).  So I post publicly about a personal subject.  What's fair game?  It's something that I'm learning as time goes on.

My first parents don't know about this blog.  I've tried to be respectful of their privacy here.  I've never posted their pictures.  I don't use their names.  Most of the posts that reveal anything that's even close to a detail about this is located on a private blog.  If one of my first parent's family members found this blog, I've done everything I can to make it so that they wouldn't be able to figure it out.  I'm very careful of their privacy.  But at the same time, I know it might make them feel uncomfortable to find out I was blogging about our reunion, especially my first mother who is very very private.  Do I have a right to blog about what happened with her?

For me, I do think I can blog about it.  I've really struggled with this however.  I've questioned myself a lot about my motivations.  But while I'm not perfect and sometimes I move things over to the private site, I continue to blog.  It's my way of connecting with my larger community.  I have connected with others who are able to help me understand what she's going through better.  And I think it would be different if I used her name, if this blog was connected to me in real life, or if I was saying nasty things about her.  But I try to be positive.  I try to keep things neutral (though I know they aren't always).  I don't call her names.  I don't bash either of my first parents though sometimes I'd like to.  This happened to me.  I didn't have a say in it.  And this is about my life and how I see it.

The thing is, adoption is a part of my life.  But it's not my entire life.  So sometimes I post about other things, things that aren't 100% adoption related.  It happens.  I'm a person, I'm human, and I want at times to show my readers that "Look!  I'm a real boy!" kind of thing.  I know I have a number of non-adopted readers here.  Do you go out with your friends?  I do to!  Do you have family drama not related to adoption?  I do to!  Do you have trials in your life that aren't adoption related?  Me too!  Look!  We're more alike than you think!  I don't mean that meanly.  It's my way of trying to connect.  I hope I succeed, but I know that sometimes posts fall flat.  For that, I'm sorry.

Joy had some great advice over on Joy's Division.  Defiantly worth a read!  Also, some other lovely ladies posted similar topics last week too... Suz at Writing My Wrongs and Lorraine on FMF.  Check it out!

Goals For 2012

Happy New Year Everyone!

In honor of the New Year, I'm going to post some goals for 2012.  I never seem to do well with resolutions, so instead I'm going to post goals for the year and see how many of them I can make come true!  I know it's going to be a great year.  For starters, my favorite number is 12, so bring it on 20-12!  So here are my goals in no particular order.

1. Read at least one book a month
2. Take my cousins to the movies just because
3. Do yoga at least three times a week
4. Comment on each blog that I follow at least once a month
5. Meet my first mother
6. Clean out my closet, including the back shelves
7. Go on an amazing vacation
8. Learn to cook three dinner dishes really well
9. Learn two new skills
10. Post several book reviews on the blog
11. Relax more
12. Be more creative with my photography
13. Visit a new place I've never been to
14. Meet new people and make new friends
15. Go out on the town one night I feel like staying in
16. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
17. Pay off at least half of my loans
18. Get an apartment
19. Learn the names of the people who sit around me at work
20. Live life to the fullest

I'm going to do my hardest to work at all of these goals.  Some are a lot easier than others!  I've read four books this month, so I'm not worried about that goal.  Other things I can easily get done once and cross them off the list.  Other things are going to take some persistence (like commenting on blogs and doing yoga).  Others are more of a mindset, like learning to relax and living life to the fullest.  However, I believe in myself so I'm going to give it my all!

So here's to 2012!  May you best the best year ever!

2011: A Year In Review

Looking back on the year 2011, it was a big year.  It was filled with hidden joys, big challenges, and several life changing events.

In the month of January, I started blogging.  It was something that I wanted to try for a long time but it wasn't until January that I took that plunge.  This was also the month when I reached out to my first mother to try to start over, and was then ignored.  And I started my last semester of college.  We can't forget that one!

In February, I planned my first face to face.  I put together a book with all my emails and everything I knew about my first parents.

March was a fun month and a life changing one.  At the beginning of the month, I met my first father for the first time.  It was the first time I've met someone I'm biologically related to.  It was the first time I saw myself reflected in someone else.  Talk about unsettling!  As if that wasn't enough, my mom and I went on vacation together to Punta Cana.  We had the best time and I know it's something that I'm always going to look back on and smile.  What a busy month!

April was hard.  For starters, my sister and I got into a huge fight.  She wasn't supportive of me meeting my first father and was hurt that I hadn't told her sooner.  Then life changed completely when we learned that my mother had another brain tumor, only this time looked different from her last time.  I moved home the last week of the month.

May got harder.  My mother had four brain surgeries in three weeks.  She was diagnosed with brain cancer and her tumor was deemed inoperable.  I met my first father again, and this time went a little better.  We actually relaxed and had fun hanging out.  And then I graduated college with my bachelor and masters degrees, an event that my parents watched on a laptop in the ICU back in Boston.

June rolled around and my mom started her chemotherapy and radiation.  My life became all about my mother as I tried to adjust to living at home.  Lost Daughters started.  I saw Taylor Swift with my cousin, a girl who is like a sister to me.

July saw the end of radiation for my mom and a break in chemotherapy.  I got a job offer which I accepted and my mom and I went on vacation for a week on Cape Cod.  It was my last month of freedom before starting my job.  My first father started texting me, something that we hadn't really done before.

August started with my job.  Literally, my first day was August 1st.  It was a huge adjustment for me.  My first father started a short trend of sending me videos from his new phone.  Various summer fun was had by me and my boyfriend on the weekends.  August was anything but a lazy summer.

September rolled around and I got a new computer and a new phone in the same week.  I settled into work and my boyfriend started his job (so started spending less time with me).  I jumped on Twitter and tried to improve my blog.  I decided to be more open in my life about my reunion and stop treating it like a huge secret.

October brought more changes.  I started my Picture Sunday postings.  My attempt to be more open blew up in my face.  Steve Jobs died, and the Internet blew up with adoption stories.  My mother spent another week in the hospital.  My first father came up to visit me on my birthday and told me that he was thinking about telling my first sisters about me.

November was hard.  My first father told me he wasn't ready to tell my first sisters, which I was OK with because of the other insanity going on in my life.  I bought a new camera.  My cousin got married and my entire adoptive family got together to celebrate.  I had my high school reunion.  I nearly moved out of my house.  I sent my first father a text message that was spotted by my older kept sister.

December brought more changes.  My first father ended our reunion, except for an occasional email.  He changed his mind a week later after talking to my first mother who stood up for me.  I opted not to continue with reunion under his new rules, but to get back in touch in the new year.  I prepared for Christmas by myself.  The year came to a close.

What a year...  It feels like January was a lifetime ago!

Housekeeping

Just a few housekeeping items today.

In case you didn't notice, I've created a Google+ account for this blog!  Exciting I know!  Not really...  Actually, there's a rumor around that Google is going to kill Google Friend Connect (GFC) and switch to Google+.  So in an effort to guard myself from that, if you have a Google+ account, feel free to follow me over there.

Here's the button (click and you'll get to the page):



So give it a click to check it out.  I haven't had time to really update the page but I'm slowly working on it.  I'll get there eventually.

I've added a few pages up top as well.  I figured this is as good a time as any to go through them in a post.

• Read Me First : This is my standard disclaimer.  It roughly outlines my stance, my blog rules, and my comment policy.  It's meant to be read first (duh!).  I change it every now and then.  It's been updated a few times this past month.
• Open Letter : This is a letter written by another adult adoptee (ie - not me) that I believe is a powerful read.  It's something that I believe everyone should read in an attempt to understand where a lot of adult adoptee bloggers are coming from.
• My Adoption Story : This is a work in progress.  I plan on majorly re-hauling it over the next few weeks seeing as my story has drastically changed once again.
• Resources : This is another work in progress.  I ordered a bunch of books that I want to read and review and post here.  So that's going to be a common place to keep all that information together.  I also have several good links for search and reunion posted up there.  If you have any other good resources for me, let me know!
• Private Blog : This is the explanation and link to my private blog.  So if you've ever wondered why some of my posts link elsewhere, that's a good place to start.
• Picture Sundays : This is a list of all my Picture Sunday posts.  A girl's got to have a hobby!

I'm also working on my sidebars.  I want a full cast list soon (my mom and sister both need nicknames) and I'm thinking of trying to improve some of my graphics.  We'll see.

Yay for housekeeping!

Shifting Thinking

I'm having a hard time dealing with everything.  I know it's going to take me some time, but it's so hard on top of everything else.  I've had to shift my thinking and make some changes in my life and in my plans.

I had a book made of all the emails in the first year between me and my first father.  I thought we'd have a second year to add to it later.  There have been a grand total of four emails from him since them, and they are all very short.  So I guess no more second book.  It was next to my bed before because I was reading it at night.  I had to move it I was so upset, so under my bed it went.  That only lasted a day and I put it up in the attic  buried as deep as I could get it without looking at the cover (which is a picture of the two of us).

I deleted all the text messages out of my phone (but took screen shots of the last few days) and moved all the pictures to a separate part of the phone in storage (that I need to actively look for and put in a password for).  I deleted the picture out of his contact information and wiped the call log of his name.  He was removed from my favorites.  I'd delete him completely but I need to know when not to answer the phone.  I'll probably change his name to "Do Not Answer" instead.

A filter was added to my inbox so any email will bypass it and therefore not end up on my phone.  I'd kept an email in my inbox from last March after we first met, and that was moved out and away so I won't have to look at it anymore unless I go seeking it out.

My plan was to order a book for all the emails with my first mother.  I was going to try to do that sooner rather than later.  I'm still going to do it, but I'll probably let some time go by to give myself some time to heal.  I've decided to get a storage box that I can put everything in and seal it up.  I'll store it all in the attic together, where I don't have to look at the remnants of a failed reunion.  Someday I'll go back through it, maybe when I have my own kids and they start asking questions, but right now I want nothing to do with it.  I won't get rid of it because it's important to me to have some answers for any children I might have, but I can't bear the thought of even having it around me.

Honestly, I don't care anymore if I accidentally out my first family here.  That was my major concern before.  That someone they knew would find out because of me.  But now I'm not interested in keeping their secret.  So I'm here, publicly.  And if anyone finds this, then so be it.

I'm going to make an honest go at the email thing next month.  I said I would, so I will.  But it's never going to be quite the same.  I've lost my faith in my reunion.  I don't think I'm ever going to be able to get it back.  And I'm so hurt over this still, even after an apology.  I'm hoping that with time, I'll start to heal, but for now I can't even look at an email or a book.

Thank You Fellow Bloggers

One of my monitors

I never thought I'd write this... but I'm kind of sad that November is over.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that the onslaught of sickening promotion of adoption in any form that focuses on finding a child for the family rather than a family for a child.  But I'm sad because for a whole month some of my favorite bloggers were blogging everyday.  I would wake up and find that I had ten new blog posts in my reader.  I'd have so much fun reading them all.  And then at lunch, I'd have another five.  And then before bed there'd be another six.  You get the picture.  Full reader = happy Jenn.

Naturally we had some drama.  It happens.  But I loved reading my fellow bloggers.  I felt I got to know them better.  And in a way, I felt like I was invited into their lives.  When blogging everyday, you have to dig deep to find something worth blogging about.  And sometimes you don't find too much (have you read some of my posts?).  So little details are blogged about here and there that maybe stray a little bit off topic.  I'm sure some people hate that.  I mean, you read a themed blog for the theme right?  I read for the blogger.  So any details they choose to share is appreciated.  It's just that a lot of those details happen to be about something that I enjoy reading about (maybe enjoy is the wrong word... read as a sense of therapy maybe?).  It took me a while (um, nine days maybe?) to figure out what felt so wrong about December.  I'm not the brightest bulb apparently... But I started to realize that the people I've so enjoyed reading are posting less frequently because they have actual lives.  Whoops!  Guess I should have realized that!

I love my fellow bloggers.  And my sidebar has been getting a pretty good workout last month.  So that's really cool.  And honestly?  I walked away feeling like I learned a lot.  There are some really smart people out there blogging.  They are smart in different ways.  Some of them are amazingly intelligent when it comes to academics.  They read these books and get so much out of them, things that I have no hope of understanding.  There are others who have this fantastic ability to read people.  A few of my bloggers notice things about other bloggers that I never picked up on.  I'm not super great at reading people all the time.  So it's amazing to read their insights.  And don't let me forget those who so eloquently put into words what I'm feeling as if they are reading my mind.  I'm not a word person.  I never have been.  You aren't going to find amazing sentences here.  I try so hard but there are typos all over the place.  I'm an engineer.  I'm not known for my writing skills.  So these people who are such amazing writers blow my mind away.  And there are loads of other categories of "smart" I'm just having a hard time coming up with them at this moment (I need caffeine).  And in case you were wondering, my smartness comes from the ability to tell you what everything means if you right click on this page and click "View Source".  See that giant mess?  That's one of the things I'm crazy good at.  Thus why I get annoyed when things don't work the way they are supposed to.  Moving on...

So this is my tribute to you my fellow bloggers.  Thank you for writing.  Thank you for helping me along this journey.  I wouldn't be blogging if it wasn't for you leading the way.  Thank you for inspiring me with your thoughtful posts, your dedication to the next generation of adoptees, and your fearless pursuit of justice for all adoptees.  Your courage and determination is something to be admired.  Thank you.

Blog Drama

Rainbow after a Storm

It's taken me a while to write this post.  I take time to process things and loads has been going on the past few weeks in my life which gives me less time to think things through.  Thank God I have this blog or I'd be nuts!  When things are going well and I have time, I tend to write out a bunch of easy blog posts that I keep on stand-bye for the crazy times.  It helped a lot when my mom got sick.  I don't write them out a month in advanced, but sometimes I'll write a post and hold onto it for a week or two until I need a break from blogging for a few days.  It helps to keep me sane but allows for me to still post everyday.  I ran out of those posts after the craziness that has hit my life over the past month or so.  So if I need a break now, I have to write fluff.  Which usually means I pull something out of my butt.

Last week, I was loosing my mind and I needed to write a post for the next day (I write better in the afternoon but like to put the post up in the morning.  I'm weird, I know).  So I noticed I had an Ancestry.com tab open on my browser and it was a stroke of inspiration.  I wrote about my adoptive family tree.  Easy post to write.  Didn't have a lot to do with adoption.  But I made a statement that I felt I didn't belong on it.  And I don't.  But whatever, no big deal.

So then another adoptee commented on how they felt comfortable on their adoptive parent's tree.  While we don't agree, the comment was respectful and showed that no two adoptees feel the same way.  I don't have any problem with comments like that.  In fact, I welcome them.  Bring it.  This adoptee was polite, non-inflammatory, and was simply stating their story as it related to mine.  In my mind, it was a great comment to leave on a blog.  Wonderful.

And then an Anonymous comment followed.  They clearly brought in drama from another blog.  So I started to internally debate what to do.  I could take down the offending comment, which had nothing to do with what I posted, just attacked the first commenter, or I could leave it up.  Then others started to respond to the Anonymous comment so I decided to leave it up.  Because it's proof that nastiness exists out there.  In the form of anonymous comments.  I don't particularly like them, but I get that some people would rather use them.  I've used them before on other blogs if I don't feel comfortable.  Sometimes I'll post on a first mother blog or an adoptive parent blog using just my name and not a URL because I know we don't agree 100% and I'm scared of the other commenters.  I've seen it happen to a lot of good bloggers.  So I've left it open on my blog.

I felt like there was a great discussion.  I wish I had been closer to a computer and had been able to comment more, but I was following along on my cell phone.  A few blog posts went up on other blogs that referenced mine and the discussion that followed.  Cool!  I love getting traffic from these awesome people!

And then Anonymous came back and started posting threats in regards to the other bloggers.  Anonymous posted stuff here that had NOTHING to do with the blog post.  It was in regards to something that another blogger said on a different blog.  Wrong place to complain.  So I deleted my first ever comment.  Because honestly, I don't like drama from other blogs coming over here.  If I blog about it, then fine.  But I hate it when the comments get nasty over other people's words, and not mine.  If I deserve it because of the original post, then fine.  But if I didn't post it, don't bring it here.

Every blog has it's own energy.  I love blogs with different energy than mine.  I read them and love them.  But I have my own energy here, and I don't like it when it's polluted by anonymous comments that bring other energies over here.

I've decided to keep the anonymous option open for now.  But I will shut it down if it gets to be a problem.  And by problem, I mean bringing nastiness here from other places that has NOTHING to do with the original post.

And thanks to my readers who don't post nasty comments about irrelevant stuff.  I really do appreciate you, even more now, and you help keep me going!

Thanksgiving!

I'm Thankful For Apple Pie

Thanksgiving, a day when we give thanks for everything that we have been given in this life.  Interesting concept.  There are a lot of places I could go with this post, but I'm going to keep it positive today.

I am thankful for...

Spending another holiday with my mom.  She always goes above and beyond on the holidays and I'm glad that I get to share this one with her.  My mom is my rock and she keeps me sane.  She's the best mom I could have asked for and I'm thankful for the time that I do get to spend with her.  I'm thankful that she's starting to do better and she remembers who I am now.  I'm thankful that she can carry a conversation and understands what's going on around her in the morning.

Seeing Rudy on Thanksgiving.  Being in a long distance relationship is very hard.  We've done it before, but only for three months at a time.  We're now deep into month six, and working toward a new goal of living together next fall.  Being apart so much makes things like the holidays hard.  So seeing each other is a real blessing this year.  We're working through our problems together, and finding a way to make it work right now.  I'm very thankful that I will get to see him not only on Thanksgiving, but Christmas and New Years too.  Hopefully next year it won't be as much of an issue.

My friends.  Particularly the ones who have gone out of their way to be there for me lately.  You know who you are.  Everyone has crap going on in their own lives.  That's just how life works.  But I have a handful of friends who push their own crap aside to help me deal with mine.  And for that I am eternally grateful.  I'm very lucky to have made such great friends.

My blog-peeps.  I can't say it enough.  The people who read, comment, give feedback, email, or just drive up my page views are amazing.  If you're reading this, you're amazing.  Whenever I'm feeling particularly down, I come here and reread some of my favorite comments.  Or I look at my stats and feel more connected.  And then I go visit other blogs and feel less alone.  And see that these people have survived, so I can too.  I'm starting to love November because so many of my favorites are blogging more, every day in some cases.  Only you could turn the month of November around for me.

My mentor.  She's been amazing these last few months.  I've been struggling, and she noticed.  She reached out a hand to help me up.  She gave me a creative outlet, a place to leave it all behind and get my frustrations out of my system.  I'm so thankful to have her in my life.

My camera.  It's become so important to me these past few weeks.  I can hardly go a day without taking pictures of something.  And I don't just take pictures, I take LOTS of pictures.  I'm learning a new skill and slowly starting to get better at it.  And it's a break that I need.  I'm grateful that I've had my camera in my hands during some tough times these past few weeks.  And nobody can take it away from me.  It's a skill that's all mine.

My first father.  We've had our ups and downs, but he's been there for me as best he can.  He's making a serious effort and it means the world to me.  He's the father I didn't have growing up, and the father I don't have otherwise in my life right now.  To know I can send a text message and get one back is amazing.  He makes me laugh when nobody else is even trying because they don't care.  Someday, things will be different and I'll have to share our relationship more.  Right now it's just the two of us but someday others will be there in the background when they know about me.  So I'm going to be thankful for what we have right now, because it's what I need at this particular moment at this particular time.  I'm going to enjoy it for now and we'll see what happens in the future.

For all of these things I'm thankful.  And I'm thankful that I'm smart enough to see that changes do need to be made in my life and for making some steps in the right direction.  I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

300

Yup, welcome to post #300.  Wow.  I'm in shock.  Are you?  I nearly missed it.  I just happened to catch my eye when I looked at my number of posts.  Go figure.

I never saw myself as the kind of person who could just put their life out there.  Yet I did.  And I do.  And lately I've been getting a lot of great feedback.  I can't tell you all how good that makes me feel.  So I'm going to pimp out my ego.  Any lurkers out there who want to say hi?  I won't bite.  I promise!

I've never been good at keeping up with New Years resolutions.  But somehow I've made this one work.  I've kept up at it nearly every day.  We'll ignore those summer months, shall we?  In the past 300 posts, I've come to learn about myself and others in ways I never thought possible.  My views have changed over 300 posts.  My ideas have matured over 300 posts.  I now know the value of placing a picture in the post!  Hehe :-)

So thanks for sticking around.  And here's to another 300!

Never seen this movie, but the trailer still felt appropriate...

Another To Do List

I've got lots of things to work on and not enough time to do it all.  That's ok, I'm sure this stuff will get done at one point or another.  And the nice thing about this list is that every item is a nice-to-have, not a need-to-have (with the exception of the 2011 Interview Project).  Need-to-have's are a lot more stressful.  Like seriously stressful.  I can get this stuff done at my own pace.  I do have some ideas as to when I want to get it done, but it's not like I'm under the wire.  I really like this whole no-deadline thing.  I'm not used to it.  I'm used to churning out a ten page paper in two days because it's due in two days.  I'm used to banging out a coding project because I have to get it done by Friday OR ELSE.  So this is nice.  Sort of.

Note: I got paired up with Unofficial Mom for the Interview Project!  Check out her blog if you have a minute (very cute)!  http://unofficialmom.blogspot.com/ I'm working on my interview questions to send soon and I'm happy with the way my list is shaping up so far.  Nearly there!

Shaping Up

I've been working on putting together all of my emails for a while now.  I made a huge effort last winter and printed everything through February 5th.  But then I did nothing until about a month ago.  And I started to add more emails to the ever growing document.  And then I gave up for a while.  Because there were so many of them.  Then I decided to look into a blog book.  And that got me to thinking that I'd really like all the emails in a book too.  Something nice, something bound.  So I got my butt in gear and got to work.  I'm proud to say that I got the entire first year of emails from my first father put together in a document.  I even started another one for year two.  So I'm up to date.

It didn't take me long at all to update the emails with my first mother because there weren't a whole lot there since last year.  I decided to include all of the ones from her because I don't see myself getting enough post by next February to start another book.  And it would be depressing to end on a bad note.  Lately her emails have been a lot more upbeat and she's been responding to them.  So that's always a good thing.  The only bad thing was that I didn't have an electronic copy of the first or second letter/email that she sent me.  So I started to type them out.  Because I needed them to be electronic.  And then I got depressed again.  So I stopped.  And then I found a program that would turn the image into text.  So I used that and BOM!  I have everything in digital format ready to go.  Just waiting on one more email...

I can't get over the fact that I have 130 pages of emails between me and SinginInTheRain from one year of correspondence.  It feels like a lot.  When I put it into book form (9" by 6") it came out to 226 pages.  That's a lot.  But I'm glad I took the time to put it together.  It's sort of amazing thinking about it.  And I'm excited to have it all together.  Something that I can go back and reread someday.  I'm not ready to reread now.  Some time needs to go by before I'm at that stage.  But it will be really nice to have it.

I was really worried about the cost before.  Because I had seen that some of these books cost upwards of $100 and I wanted three of them (one of my emails with SinginInTheRain, one of my emails with NeverTooLate, and one of my first year of blogging) and I don't have $300 to spend on these books right now.  So here's where I started jumping up and down for joy.  My email books don't include pictures (I chose not to include them in the books because I can always make a photo book later with better color options) so that means I can print them in black and white.  And I don't need a fancy cover, just a normal one (hardcover though, I want these to last).  So guess what?  My first book (SinginInTheRain) I can get for $30!  How awesome is that?  So it's ordered.  I should have it within the next two weeks!  Yay!

So now I have a new plan.  Order lots of books.  Because I can.  And I want to.  And they are keeping my mind off of other things.

1. Emails from SinginInTheRain - ordered
2. Emails from NeverTooLate - waiting on one more email, and then I will order
3. First year of blogging - waiting until January (January 2011-December 2011)
4. Adoption story!  Need to work on this.  It will include the story of how I was adopted, some details about NeverTooLate and SinginInTheRain, why I decided to search, pictures, non-identifying information, basic family tree data, and pictures!!!

I was going to put my adoption story in with the emails from NeverTooLate. But because I have a separate book for SinginInTheRain's emails, I feel the need to keep them separate.  My adoption story belongs in it's own book.  With color.  And pictures.  And wonderful goodness.

I keep going back to that first letter.  Which is awful to reread, especially after having a heart to heart with SinginInTheRain on my birthday, and how he brought up NeverTooLate.  I guess I'm seeing her in a new light, and understanding things a lot better.  Her first letter makes a lot more sense, but it's so painful!  I'm just glad it's done and over with.

So I have a lot of work to do.  Which is great.  Because I need to be distracted.  You know from all this adoption crap lately.  I hate November...

Taking Back November

I will be joining in with some of my fellow bloggers in taking back the month of November!  November is National Adoption Month.  What started as a way to promote foster care adoption has now warped into something else.

For the record, while I don't consider myself to be "anti-adoption", I do consider myself to be pro-family preservation.  So while there are a lot of kids out there who do need loving homes, I think that as a society we need to work harder to keep families together.  A lot of times adoption is seen as a solution to temporary problems.  We grow older ever second so I don't think that age is a great reason to give up your kid.  Wealth is something that fluctuates over time.  I think as a society, we need to help these people out.  Marriage is another thing that seems to change over time (or it could).  Over half of marriages now are expected to fail.  Who's to say that adoptive parents won't end up single themselves?

At the same time, there are people out there who simply don't want to parent.  They have their reasons.  My first mother's situation was interesting.  She had a lot of societal pressure to give me up.  She was scared of what people would think.  But nobody coerced her.  She didn't wish to parent me.  She wanted to go back to her normal life.  That doesn't make her a bad person.  I write this because it's to illustrate the point that not all people want to parent, and not all people should parent either.  So we do need a system for those children.  Children who do need loving parents.  But I don't think it's our current system.  I don't think that sealing records is the way to go.  I don't think that falsifying documents so that my adoptive mother is listed as the woman who gave birth to me is the right way to handle children who do need parents.

I will be blogging this month about issues surrounding adoption from an adoptee point of view.  Hope you enjoy!

Blog Book?

I have a very good friend who sometimes reads my blog.  She's been a fantastic support system for me, listens to me rant from time to time (sorry about that!) and she's always calm, cool, and collected about everything.  She's helped me get through some rough times, provides an outside perspective, and offers some great advice.  She's also one of the people I trust to read emails and to help me figure out the right thing to do (like that first message I sent my first father).  I'm so lucky to have a great friend in my life like that (and I'm very lucky for some of my other friends too!!!).

Anyway, a while back, she asked a question of me that I didn't know how to answer.  She told me that she enjoys reading from time to time, and that she wonders if I would ever consider turning my musings into a book.  I laughed at the time, but it's come up again.  Not that I would seriously consider this at this point in my life (I now have a job, I have nearly three hundred posts and some are LONG, and I don't like where the story would end right now) but it got me thinking.  I started this blog as a sort of online journal and I love going back and reading old posts.  It's going to sound weird, but I don't always remember writing every post.  A good number of them I do, but some of them I sit there and wonder… "Did I really write that?"  Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes not so much! :-)

Anyway, I started hunting around on Google and I found a few cool sites that let you turn your blog into a book.  It's expensive, but it just turns the blog into print form.  Not a big deal.  I'm actually thinking about doing this at the end of the year.  I started blogging in January, and I think it might be nice to have all the blog postings from the year in a nice bound book.  I think it pulls all the comments too.  And one of the sites lets you edit it.  So I can do some minor editing if I want and make it look pretty.  And take out the random posts that I do when I can't think of anything to write.

So I think I'm going to start working on this.  Like I said, it's a huge project.  But I'm taking some time off at the end of the year, so it might be the perfect time to sit back, watch a movie with my laptop, and slowly start to do my editing.  Happy New Year present to me!

This got me thinking though.  So I made an adoption book for myself.  And I keep adding to it.  I'm still working on a major update.  But now I'm wondering if it might be nice to have that printed and bound too.  So rather than just a binder with pages in it, I'd have everything in a nicely bound book.  It's something to think about.  The hard part would be where to break it off.  I have over two hundred pages worth of emails and they keep coming every week.  I think I'd just do it for a year.  Like "Jenn and SinginInTheRain Emails Year 1 2010-2011".  And then maybe next year or something I could do another book if it's still a lot of emails.  We'll see.

It's just something I've been thinking about.  But it did occur to me that I'm going to have a mini-library if I really go for it.  I could see one book (big book) with the first year of my blog posts.  Another book with my adoption background information and NeverTooLate's emails.  And a third with the first year of my emails with SinginInTheRain.  And oh, btw, these all cost nearly $100.  I don't really have all that money saved up right now, but maybe I could start a fund aka "Jenn would really like cash for her birthday and Christmas!".  I don't know, I'll figure something out!

Like I said, I'm thinking about it.  We'll see!

Adoption Connection Poll Results

I struggled with the decision to search.  A lot.  I found my non-identifying information in August and didn't sleep for months.  I ran a few late night Google searches and got nothing.  I didn't really pursue it though.  I didn't understand when it started to take over my life.  Going to the doctors and being told that I couldn't be diagnosed because of the lack of a family medical history and my trip to New Orleans finally sparked action.  I started to read blogs and I started to gather as much information as I could.  I'm all for education and I educated myself like you wouldn't believe.

Things didn't turn out so well the first time around.  Whatever.  They started to go better the second time around.  Yay!  And I started to think about writing a blog around the time my first father and I started talking on the phone.  Naturally, I started doing research about blogging.  All the sites I read suggested figuring out how often I wanted to post (I wanted to try to post everyday because I liked those blogs a lot and liked having something to read all the time, plus this was sort of going to be an online journal so it made sense to blog everyday) and to have about a months worth of blog entries stored up before you start publishing.  So I started working on writing down my story in the middle of finals.  It helped.  A lot.  And then I started posting.  I never dreamed that people would actually really want to read it.  I figured I'd see how things went.  And then I got a reader.  And then another.  And then another.  I'm not the most popular blog out there.  Nowhere close in fact.  But I have way more people following me than I ever dreamed possible (and only three of them know me in real life!).

So when I started blogging I figured that only adoptees would want to read my posts.  It was about my search and reunion, and how an adoptee felt about adoption.  Why would anyone else want to read that?  And then a few first mothers started commenting.  I guess I could sort of understand that.  So I started to read their blogs too.  And I started to really enjoy reading the other side of things.  And I started to "get it" more.  Cool.  And then I got a few comments from APs.  Weird.  A lot of them didn't leave links back to their blogs, but for the heck of it, I started to read a few AP blogs.  And weird, I actually liked a few of them.  There are some APs out there who really "get it".  Sweet.

Then I went semi-private.  And told readers to email me for a password.  The majority of people who emailed me?  APs and PAPs.  I don't have one iota of an issue giving them the password.  But it surprised me.  Were those most of my readers?  I've also noticed that sometimes I get a lot of comments and other times I can go a long time without any.  There's lots of reasons for this (mainly that my "good" posts are usually close together and my "bad" posts are grouped together too!) so I wasn't concerned, but that meant I couldn't figure out who was reading.  So maybe those were my main readers.  That's... different.  Not what I expected.  And while I'd like to think that wouldn't change the way I blog, I do take a certain approach when dealing with adoptees verses first parents verses adoptive parents.  Adoptees usually "get it" so I don't always explain things fully.  When dealing with APs, I tend to explain things more and put on more disclaimers to be clear.  Some posts I write with adoptees in mind, others I write with first parents in mind, and still others I write with adoptive parents in mind.  And most of my posts I write with nobody in mind.  But I still wonder about who's reading...

So I put up a poll.  What's your adoption connection?  And I'm sorry I forgot to let people choose more than one answer.  That was my bad (because I do have a few readers who identify with two or more groups).  And low and behold, the majority of readers are adoptees, followed closely by first parents, with a small number of APs and Friends/family (probably mine) and nobody who didn't have a connection (Quelle surprise!).  So that was interesting.  I feel like my world has been re-righted.  And I was also blown away that at least 25 people have visited this blog in the past few weeks and voted in the poll.  Wow.  Pretty amazed at that!

So thanks for reading!  And for taking my poll.  It's provided me with some food for thought and some new blog post ideas!  So thanks for that!  I might put up another poll at some point, who knows?  Thanks again!