Checking Things Off The List

I have a pretty extensive To-Do list that I've been avoiding for the past few weeks.  It happens.  I've been so wrapped up on surviving that I put things off.  After a wonderful talk with Rudy, I decided that it's time to start living my life and putting the rest of it into prospective.  And so I jumped on  my To-Do list with a vengeance, and even managed to tackle a major goal on my bucket list.

I had a minor freak out this past weekend.  It was to be expected.  I had a lot of things on my plate that weekend.  I didn't communicate that well at all.  I told Rudy that I was struggling, but I never took the time to explain why.  I just figured he'd get it and give me some breathing room to figure it out.  Naturally that didn't happen because he had a completely different take on what was going on.  So he pushed thinking that I was just being weird about coming to visit him.  And I pushed back because that's what I do.  And he pushed some more.  And I snapped.  I don't think he's had an "Oh Shit" moment like that in a long time.  It wasn't his fault at all, nor was it my fault.  If I had communicated better, he would have backed way off and provided support a long time ago.  Slap me on the wrist.  It's a live and learn kind of thing.

Because I'm an adoptee, I didn't trust that Rudy really wasn't mad at me.  Seriously, I thought he was just covering up that he was mad because he didn't want me to start sobbing hysterically again.  It happens.  So last night we talked about it.  And boy do I feel a lot better.  He told me that yes, he was mad at first.  He didn't get why I wasn't coming to visit him and why I wasn't doing him a favor that he thought was a small one.  He didn't realize I was as stressed out as I am.  I show my stress in different ways, but he isn't here with me to see those signs.  He only has our phone conversations and I'm not always great at telling him about stuff that stresses me out.  So he didn't see the signs.  He didn't realize I was that close to the edge.  Once he realized that, he took a step back and realized that it wasn't worth it.  He wasn't mad when he realized that I had a really good reason for not wanting to drive to Connecticut for the weekend.  And I was willing to meet him halfway on Sunday for dinner.  So I still got to see him, I was less stressed out, and I will deal with the stresses in Connecticut at a later date when I don't have so much on my plate.  And Rudy also agreed to read Lost and Found by BJ Lifton.  How amazing is that?

I booked our hotel and flight to Chicago for the Adoptee Rights Protest.  I can't wait!  It will cross on my goal to visit one place that I've never been this year.  I can't wait to see Chicago and I'm always up for a weekend away with my amazing boyfriend.  Plus I'll get to meet a lot of the bloggers and adoptees that I've met online who have seriously helped me the past year.  I've been meaning to get on booking the flights and hotel, but I just hadn't gotten around to it.  A part of me was scared.  I decided today that I was done being scared and booked it.  I'll be there with bells and whistles on.

I was sort of ridding off that high when something came up on Groupon.  I'm now self-banned from that site.  I'm going to learn how to fly a plane.  It's on my bucket list.  I've always wanted to learn and there was a deal that I just couldn't pass up.  It's a once in a lifetime opportunity and I can do it!  I'm tired of living life scared.  I'm going to do something that I've always wanted to do.  I'm going to go up in a plane with a FAA-certified instructor and learn the basics.  I can't wait!

I was in the middle of putting together all my emails with my first mother so I could send away for a printed book (like I did with my first father) when my reunion with him ended very quickly.  I put it all away for the time being because it was too painful to deal with.  Now that I'm meeting her, I feel like I ended things in a good place via email.  I finished putting together the first two years of emails from the two of us (February 2010 through February 2012) and I've ordered the book.  I can check that off my list too.  Score!

No matter what happens with my reunion on Monday, I've got plenty in my life to look forward to.  I'll be learning how to fly and fulfilling my life long dream of flying a plane (even if there's a guy next to me who's really in control and it's for ten minutes...).  I'll be going on an amazing vacation to Disney with my boyfriend and we're going to ride all the scary rides together and have a blast.  I'll be headed to Chicago, a city I've always wanted to visit, to meet up with some amazing people to fight for an amazing cause!  And you know what?  I can't wait!

A Place To Meet?

Maybe a place similar to this?

I still don't know where I'll be meeting my first mother and father.  However, I did finally hear back from him and he's going to call me at the end of the week (I guess tomorrow or Friday... weird).  Deep breaths.  I haven't talked to him since the beginning of December.  Deep breaths.  I can do this.  Before I'd gotten an email back, I mentioned to Rudy that I hadn't heard from either one of them.  His response is exactly why I love him:

"If they don't show, I'm gonna drive down there and give them a piece of my mind!" (said with his cute angry face).

He's the best!  He's got my back in this even though I gave him the opportunity to back out.  I know it's not going to be fun for him.  I know it's probably going to be really awkward.  But even after I gave him an out, he still wants to come.  Though he did admit it's partially selfish.  He wants to meet them too because I come from them.  They are a part of my history, and should we have kids, their history as well.  He wants to meet them himself and see who these people that he's been hearing so much about are.  He's read some of the emails (and some of my responses), seen the pictures, and even seen a video but like me, he wants more.  It's actually really validating to me that I'm not the only one.

My first father said he doesn't think my first mother would "do well" in a coffee shop.  It sounded like he wanted to meet up at the reservation near my house.  As in my hometown.  I don't know if that's a good idea. It took a lot for me to invite him up to see my hometown on my birthday.  We'd met up twice before.  And the situation was a bit different.

My mom wants to meet my first mother.  She's told me so much, and asked if she could come with me way back when I first found my first mother.  I was vague, and pushed everything off because I don't want my adoptive mother there.  Too many emotions to deal with and it's way too much.  I am going to tell her that I'm meeting with my first mother because I made a promise that I would, but I have to be careful about when I do so because my mom's health is so-so.  She didn't care so much when it was my first father.  My first mother is a whole different story.  My adoptive mother cannot be there.  I can't handle it.  Even if I could, my mom's health wouldn't allow her to meet my first mother at this time.  Probably not ever.

I could justify my first father coming to my hometown.  I just can't justify my first mother.  She'd be too close.  It's too personal.  And lets not forget that I can't go there, to their hometown and where I was born.  It feels like a power imbalance.  And after things went south with my first father, I realized that I don't really feel comfortable with the idea of him knowing what my house looks like but I don't know what his looks like.  Or the fact that he's driven by my house (well I was driving but he got to see it) and I haven't had the same opportunity.

I emailed back and asked if we could meet at a different reservation that's about a half hour away from my house.  It's about 40 minutes or so from them, and it would be highly unlikely for us to run into anyone they know there, or that I know there.  There's a little loop around a pond that is less than a mile long, so we could just walk the loop for as long as we wanted.  They have picnic areas there too with places to sit and because it's still March, I don't think many people will be there on a random Monday.  We'll see how he responds to that.  The weather is supposed to be really nice on Monday, although we'll have to wait and see.  If the weather changes, we may not have a choice and might have to meet at a coffee shop.

I think it's time for me to start planning an outfit to wear...

One Week!

This is the last week of my life as it is.  This time next week I'll be sitting at a coffee shop (probably Starbucks or something) at some yet unknown town across from my first parents.  Both of them.  Gulp.

I have some unwelcome distractions in my life right now.  Perhaps the silver lining is that it's keeping me from seriously freaking out about next week.  I feel like I've been waiting for this moment for forever.  Having to wait a month to meet her after she agreed didn't exactly help the situation.  It's frustrating at times because she's only an hour away.  Just one hour.  I could drive there tomorrow and see her.  Heck I could go right now.  I would never do that, but still.  It adds another layer.

I'm working on being a more patient person.  I am.  I haven't emailed my first father and demanded that he email me back and figure all this stuff out right now.  I didn't push to get the date moved up even though I wanted to.  I'm stressing quietly on my own.

It may not even happen.  She could still back out.  It's happened before.  I'm going to email her a pre-visit email this week.  I'm going to ask her if there's anything she would like me to bring with me.  I'm going to keep it super friendly and upbeat.  And I'm going to thank her again for agreeing to meet with me.  If that scares her off, then she wouldn't have showed up anyway.  My worst fear is that I'm going to get there and he'll be the only person there.  I know my first father wouldn't stand me up for anything.  He knows that if neither one of them showed up, I'd go find them and we all know they don't want that.  But I'm prepared to show up and hear him tell me excuses.  It could happen.  I'm only writing about it because I want to get it out there.  I want to purge my worries and set them aside.  And so that when I read back someday, I'll remember where my head was at.  You'd be amazed at how much I got wrong the last time.  I know I am anyway when I look back at the posts right before I met my first father (though to be fair, I had just started blogging and I've learned a lot since then).

What's more likely to happen is that I'll get there and she'll be there.  We'll smile, hug each other, and have a nice conversation.  I don't know what we'll talk about.  It doesn't even matter.  I'll hear more about how they don't want to tell my siblings.  I'll smile and nod, and Rudy will take over the conversation for a while while I regain my footing.  Then we'll hug each other goodbye and I won't want to leave.  Rudy and I will drive away with me not saying anything.  I'll either cry or not be able to stop smiling.  I'll get an email from my first father shortly thereafter and probably nothing from her.  And then I'll start to readjust.

Maybe there's a chance that things will change in the future.  Perhaps.  Life is a river, and I can't see up around this next bend.  We'll have to wait and see.  I have the highest hopes.

As for now, I'm going to enjoy this week.  Right now my first mother isn't a real person.  I can hold on to what's left of the fantasy (most of it's been destroyed already but some parts remain).  I'm going to say goodbye to who I am today and prepare to meet the new me in a week.  I know it's coming and I'll be prepared for that.  Thanks for reading!

Luck o' the Irish

Happy St. Patrick's Day!  If you're Irish, have a wonderful day celebrating your pride!  If you're not Irish but adopted into an Irish family (like me), have a great day celebrating your family's pride!  If you're not Irish, then have a fantastic day wishing you were Irish ;-)

I'm hoping that my proximity to real live Irish decedents will cause me to have good luck.  My mom is over 50% Irish and my dad is exactly 50% Irish.  If I was their biological kid, I'd be over 50% Irish.  And lets not forget that my sister is part Irish as well.  I'm surrounded by them.  And I might be English... Hehe!

Some luck might be nice.  I do have some major life events coming up and it's going to take a little bit of luck for them to go swimmingly.  So I need some of the luck of the Irish...  There are plenty of things that could go wrong when I meet my first mother in a little over a week, but so much that could go right too.  I'm going to focus on those things today!

Meeting my first mother could be the best thing that's ever happened.  I might see her and just know she's my mother.  I might feel connected to her in a way I've never felt before, something that non-adopted people take for granted.  Or I might not.  But with some luck, I'll at least feel something towards her.  I could see her and see all these  similarities between us.  Or maybe not.  I am a lot like my first father.  But still, he said there are some decent similarities between us, strong ones even, so perhaps that will be clear to me.  It might be really cool to see my two parents together.  I'm going to ask for a picture.  It might be the only chance I'll get.  Something could go wrong (like that time I forgot to ask for a picture when I was with my first father).  But with some luck Rudy will be able to take a nice picture.  So that could go really really well.  But most of all, I'm really hoping that my first mother and I get to connect as people.  There's something missing from the emails we shared over the past two years, even when things were good, and I'm hoping to find that at our face to face meeting.

With some luck we'll have good weather.  Nice weather as in the we can go for a walk outside somewhere kind of weather.  I don't do well sitting still.  At all.  It seems my first father doesn't do so great with that either. Actually, Rudy doesn't either.  So at least three of the four of us would feel better if we were moving as far as I can tell.  So nice weather would be appreciated.  Also, I can get a bit nervous sometimes, so it would be nice if I was able to control my nerves.  I'm working hard now to prepare.  I'm running, working on being relaxed, and preparing with Rudy.  All of these things are seriously helping my anxiety and I feel ten times better than I did before I met my first father.  I'm hoping to keep these things up.  The last thing I want to do is go to meet her with huge black circles under my eyes, tired and wound-up, and lose my ability to stay present in the moment.  So with a little luck I'll be well rested, calm with an appropriate level of excitement (enough for a healthy glow, not enough to scare her off), and the mental awareness to actually enjoy what's going on and remember it.

I'm not sure if my first mother will want anything to do with me after she meets me.  According to her, it's not me.  So it doesn't matter what I do, she's not going to want anything to do with me.  She's meeting me because she feels like I deserve at least that much.  She's not a bad person at all.  But she's coming because I asked her to.  And once we met, that could very well be it.  It'd be nice if it wasn't, but I have to respect her desire to not have anything to do with me after we meet.  So if that's what she wants, that's what she'll get.  She can control our relationship in the sense that it takes two to be in a relationship of any sort.  She can't control my other relationships though.  Those are mine and mine alone.

With a little luck, next week will go well and things will fall into place.  I hope and wish and pray that it does.  Maybe I'll just borrow some of the luck from my Irish family to get through it :-)

Two Week Countdown

Two weeks from now I'm going to meet my first mother.  It's a pretty amazing feeling.  I've been waiting for this moment my entire life.  I've dreamed of it for endless hours, both awake and asleep.  I've pictured meeting her in so many different ways.  I've seen her in my mind for so long and wondered what it would be like to meet her.  In two weeks, I'll find out.

When I was younger, she didn't have a face.  She had long brown hair like me, only her's was stick straight.  Her features were blurred, but I knew she had brown eyes just like me.  She was young because in my mind, she was trapped at the age at which she surrendered me.  She would forever be the twenty-one year old that put me up for adoption because she was young and poor.

Later, once I'd gotten in touch with her at 22, I'd see pictures and be amazed that I did get some things right.  She was beautiful.  She is beautiful.  She has brown hair like me and it's straight, but it wasn't as dark or as long as I'd pictured.  Her eyes are in fact brown like mine, nothing like the blue eyes of my adoptive mother or hazel of my adoptive father (though his sometimes look brown in the right light).  She wasn't the skinny free spirit I had always imagined, but instead your average body type conservative Catholic.

The biggest shock to seeing her picture was that she's not the twenty-one year old I had always pictured her to be.  She is still young compared to the parents who raised me don't get me wrong.  And she's aged very well in that I wouldn't think she was as old as she is unless you told me.  And to a certain extent, she does look like me.  I'm a pretty good mix of my first father and my first mother, but I think if you saw the three of us together (which is actually happening in two weeks!) you'd probably say that I take after him.  Then again I've never met her so maybe I take more after her.  My first father was amazed at how similar I am to my first mother and sisters.  He said he couldn't get over that I did some of the same things that she does without ever meeting her.  Apparently my first mother and I act the same way when we're nervous.  And we hold ourselves the same way.  So it's going to be interesting to see, and I'm sure it's going to be a sight to watch.  I can't wait to see what Rudy thinks.

It's funny, but I always pictured that I'd meet her in a coffee shop.  I don't drink coffee.  She doesn't either.  I drink tea, but she doesn't.  I've been thinking of all the different places we could meet realistically.  We could meet at a park or something.  This might work out very well because usually there aren't a lot of people around and we could walk which is perfect for me because I have to be moving when I'm nervous.  I'm sure we could find a decent park somewhere and meet up there.  The only downside is that we're meeting in March.  And I'm always cold.  So if the weather isn't great, then so much for that thought.  I think that's going to be my first plan and the backup will be a coffee shop maybe.  It would just have to be the right kind of place at the right time.  Because we're meeting during the week, as long as we meet in between breakfast and lunch, it shouldn't be too crowded and somewhat private.  So it might be a good setting.  We'll see.  We'll have Rudy and my first father with us so it's almost like a double date.  Weird.

Rudy suggested Starbucks and though I'm a Dunkin Donuts girl through and through, it might work out well there.  Some Starbucks have great places to sit.  Plus if I could find one near a park it would be perfect because if the weather was nice we could go for a walk outside or something.

If anyone has any suggestions feel free to sound off in the comments!

Nervous

This is where I am in my mind

I'm back to listening to my white noise of the beach.  I'm back to taking deep breaths and trying to calm myself with herbal tea.  My schedule has been awful this past week for running and I'm realizing how much I need it now.  I need to run.  It's making a much bigger difference than I realized and I can't handle this stress without it.  And what kills me is that it has nothing to do with my adoption or anything that I can control.

My adoptive family is fantastic.  They are wonderful.  They have my back.  I love them so much.  And some of them are hurting right now.  Badly.  And there's nothing I can do about it except to be there for them.  So I am.  I'm there.  I'm present.  I offer hugs when they want it.  I offer an ear if they need it.  And I back off and disappear if they need that too.  I wish I could wrap my arms around them and make the hurt go away.  I wish for that so badly.  But I can't, so instead I drive an hour to a hockey game and cheer as loudly as I can from the stands and take pictures to remind them of their glory days once we've gotten past this mess.  And I take a deep breath as life continues on.  C'est la vie.

My relationship with Rudy has evened out again.  All relationships have some ups and downs.  We needed to readjust and we did.  We wrote out a list of things that we need to work on and get better at and we're sticking to the list.  I'm really lucky to have found such a great guy who is willing to do things like that for me.  Especially when that means some sacrifices on his part.  I wish he didn't have to sacrifice as much as he does, but it happens.  We grew up two hours apart.  We call two very different places home.  We can't do anything about that.  So we must learn to deal with it and make the best decision we can, realizing that not everyone is going to be happy.  Because that's just how it is.  And other people don't get a say.  As my grandmother would say, "I'm just saying..."

I can't make everyone happy about our decision to live together in Massachusetts in the near future (as in within the next year).  I learned a long time ago that I can't live my life for other people, I can only live it for myself.  I'm tired of making decisions based on what other people think.  It's time to do what's right for me and Rudy, rather than what's right for our parents or grandparents.  It's just a stressful position to be in to feel like I have to defend our decision to live here.  It shouldn't need to be defended.  I shouldn't need to tell people the why.  Rudy and I decided.  End of story.  And the thing is, people know that my mom is sick.  They maybe don't know how sick she is, but I shouldn't have to defend the decision to spend any of her remaining time with her.  People should get it.  They should get that my mom has terminal cancer and so I don't want to move away from her.  It's stressful for me to even think about.

Deep breaths.  Calming sounds.  Warm showers with fancy soap.  Running (lots and lots of running).  I will get through this.

Bringing Rudy With Me

I'm excited to bring Rudy with me when I meet my first parents.  For starters, I love hanging out with him anyway and always jump at the chance to see him during the week if we can make it work.  Long distance is hard, so it's those unexpected moments (though this is planned) that are so sweet.  The more relevant reason though is that I want him to meet my first parents too.

I've let Rudy read some of my first mother's emails, especially the ones that I needed a second opinion on.  Sometimes I'm too far into something to see it clearly, and so he's been great about offering a second opinion from an "outsider" perspective.  He's had some interesting perspectives that really helped me a lot through my reunion with her.  He had a great way of being on my side, yet guiding me back to calmer waters when I needed calming.  Rudy's also read a few of my first father's emails for the same reason.  He accidentally saw a video my first father sent me once too.  The video was on my i.Pad and he was playing around on it one day while visiting and stumbled upon it in my pictures.  It's not that I had a problem with him seeing it, it's just probably not something that I would have shared with him right at that moment.  And I think it worked out better where he just found it because he was surprised and watched without having time to think about what he was going to see.  It was pretty amazing actually.  He so clearly saw me in my first father that I could see the light bulb go off in his head.  For the first time, I think he started to really understand why it was so important to me and why I wanted to get to know this man.  So Rudy knows a little bit about both of them already.  While he's never met my first father, he does know what he looks like and sounds like.  He's seen the pictures of my first mother and first father.  And he knows the story already, even the stuff I don't share here.  He knows the history.

This is both a good and bad thing.  Rudy was very upset when SinginInTheRain ended contact back in December.  For starters, he was angry that I was hurt.  Also, he was mad because he didn't understand why my first father made the choices that he did.  He couldn't understand why someone would treat another person that way, let alone someone who had done the things that I had done to make things easier for him.  Here comes the interesting part.  I've been trying to get better about venting.  While it might make me feel better for a little while, it could affect the person I've vent to, in this situation Rudy.  Rudy wasn't involved in my relationship with SinginInTheRain.  He heard about it from my point of view.  He never talked to SinginInTheRain to find out his side of things.  So Rudy already has an established perspective on SinginInTheRain, and it's slightly negative right now.  I don't blame him one bit for this.  He'll get to form his own opinion when we all meet up.

Oh the plus side, Rudy knows how I feel about everything.  He knows me better than anyone.  He knows my cues.  He knows when I'm overwhelmed.  He knows when I need a minute.  He knows how I shut down, and he knows what that looks like.  When I met SinginInTheRain alone, it was hard because I didn't have anyone to provide a distraction.  I was so thrown when I realized just how alike me and SinginInTheRain are.  Who knows what will happen when I meet my first mother.  It will be really nice to have someone else there who knows when I need a break and can jump into the conversation.

Rudy and I have already started talking about expectations.  Rudy isn't a mind reader, though he does know me really well.  He's also a naturally shy person, but he's able to be outgoing and friendly when he needs to be. He's another person thrown into the mix, so I need to keep that in mind.  I'm just really happy that he's agreed to come with me.  I know it's going to be really awkward for him.  And I know that it's going to be strange for my first parents, who are there to see me, and not my boyfriend.  Oh well.  I'm sure it will all work itself out.  Besides, it's probably time for him to be a more active participant.

I'm Really Going To Meet Her...

It's been a week and I'm still processing that I'm going to meet my first mother.  I always knew that someday I'd meet her, even if it meant that I'd have to show up on her doorstep.  However, this isn't a theory anymore.  This is actually happening.  Like we're going to see each other face to face for the first time.  Ever.  Because she didn't see me when I was a baby.  Wow.  Deep breath.

She wants to bring my first father.  I have mixed feelings for several reasons.  For starters, I've always kept my relationship with her and my relationship with him as separate as I could.  They are two individuals and so I've done my best to treat them that way.  NeverTooLate has come up in conversations with SinginInTheRain, and he's been mentioned in the emails that I sometimes exchange with her.  It's sort of an awkward position to be in but then again the whole situation is awkward so that's nothing new.  Meeting her with him there... well that's going to merge the two.  All three of us are going to share the same experience.  Before the other was merely mentioned, the third did not participate.  This is uncharted territory for all three of us.

My next concern is that I'm still angry with my first father from last December.  I haven't spoken to him since then, though we have emailed a bunch of times since then.  I'll admit to listening to an old voice mail from time to time when I have a hard day.  I'm working so hard on forgiving him, but I know that I'll never really be able to trust him again.  It's so hard for me at times because he really did hurt me, more than I think he realizes.  It's going to be hard for me to see him.  It's going to be hard to put a smile on my face and pretend that I'm happy he's there.  However, I'm scared of what happens if I can't pull it off.  I don't want to give my first parents any reason not to tell my sisters about me.  I'm really hoping that this is going to help speed things up a bit in that regard and I don't want them to think that I hate him.  I don't hate him.  I'm hugely disappointed and hurt.  That makes me angry.  However, I still don't hate him, though I could see people being confused by that.  I'm starting to wonder if I should talk to him on the phone beforehand...  We'll see.

Finally, I'm nervous about the two of them being there to my one person.  As my first father told me several times, if it comes down to me or her, he picks her.  Which I understand.  She's his wife and partner in life.  He's known her forever.  I've dealt with this with my adoptive parents too.  If it was between me and my adoptive mother, my adoptive father would pick my adoptive mother every time.  It's not always the nicest feeling, but it's the truth and I've learned to accept it.  I know that meeting my first mother is going to be emotional for me.  I had a hard time meeting my first father, so I'm expecting it to be a million times harder.  We have so much more history between us and we haven't spoken on the phone.  It will be the first time I will hear her voice since the day I was born.  It's going to be hard and overwhelming.  There's no getting around that.  I have no idea how I'm going to react.  I'm sure this is going to be very hard for her as well.  Only she's going to have him there with her.  She's going to have her life's partner there to hold her hand.  I can't go alone into that situation.

I've asked Rudy to come with me.  For starters, he's been with me through this whole process.  He read my first letter before I sent it.  He held me when I cried when she told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore.  He smiled and laughed with me when I told him that my first father wanted to meet me.  He's spent hours on the phone with me listening to the latest news.  He got angry for me when my first father threw me under the bus.  He was angrier than I was at the time and he helped me to see that the decision my first father made had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with him.  Rudy is my life's partner and my support.  If that isn't enough of a reason, he isn't connected to my adoption the same way that my adoptive family is and therefore won't bring those emotions into the meeting.  His concern with this meeting is because it's so important to me, his girlfriend of five and a half years.  Plus, with him there, I have someone who can distract them if I need a minute to collect myself, and I have someone there who can take a picture!

We're still working out details.  My first parents are on the same page with this and I've already gotten an email from my first father going over a few things.  I didn't think she'd let me know so fast so I assumed that by the time she figured it out we'd be past Rudy's busy season.  He's busy until the end of March and I really need him there with me.  I know I met SinginInTheRain alone, and that was the best choice at the time.  This time is different and I simply need someone else there.  I'm going to make this work.  And I'm not driving.  I'm making Rudy drive.  I'm not letting my nightmare come true!  So right now, I'm waiting for my first parents to give me a date (after Rudy's busy season) and hopefully I'll know within the next few days!  Wish me luck!

My Heritage On Paper

Rudy and I were driving around the other day when an interesting topic came up.  We drove through this town and Rudy commented that three out of five people in the town were of Irish decent according to census data.  We laughed over what St. Patrick's Day must look like in the town.  And then I started to think.  Both of my adoptive parents are of Irish decent.  And legally, I'm their daughter.  And legally, there's no public record of me being anyone else's daughter.  So legally, I suppose I'm of Irish decent.

Only I'm not.  I'm of English decent.  And French decent.  And mostly Portuguese decent.  It took me a long time to figure out what my ancestry was.  I waited over 22 years to have my answers.  So I guess it was just a bit of a blow when I realized sitting in the car there with Rudy that just because I know my truth doesn't mean that everyone else does, legally that is.

Some of my ancestors did come from an island, just not the same island my parents.  My ancestors came from the Azores.  Yet nowhere in any census would you see me reported as Portuguese until I start filling out my own data.  How odd.  I mean, thinking about it, there is no connection anywhere to me belong to that ethnicity. I don't know this for sure because my state won't let me see my  OBC, but I'm pretty sure that I'm listed as Baby [Insert Letter Here] on my original birth certificate.  I don't think that my first father is listed, but I could be wrong about that.  So even if I did get my OBC, I don't know what information is on there or how accurate it is.  Then there's the fact that I'd have to get it unsealed and even then it's not official.  My adoption null and voided my OBC.  My new one has my adoptive name on it and my adoptive parents listed as my natural parents.  As in sharing DNA, which I don't.  There's not a single legal document out there that could stand in a court of law that ties me to my original ancestry.  I'm guessing the only thing I could do to prove where I come from is to get a DNA test.

I've been thinking about it for a while.  I still have a lot of loans to pay off.  It's a pain.  But I'm doing pretty well with them so far and I might try to pick up some side work soon.  So maybe that's something that I need to start saving for.  I think I can have the money set aside by Spring and I could take one of those tests that traces back my maternal line and links me to whatever ancestry I really am.  I may need to keep my eyes open for a special.

I'm not Irish and I have no problem stating that.  I may have an Irish last name, but that's not who I am.  That history belongs to my parents, and my parents alone.  I'm proud of my own heritage and I'm sticking to it.  I respect and value my parents' heritage, don't get me wrong.  I love Irish music, will probably hang an Irish blessing in my future home, and I have Irish jewelry up the wazoo.  Just like I will eventually learn how to make the family Italian sauce (or "gravy") and can bake some mean Italian pastries.  Lucky for me, Rudy's heritage happens to be the same as my adoptive family's heritage.  Funny how that all worked out.  As I said, I respect it and it played a big part of my childhood, but it's not who I am and I'm OK with that.  I'm just glad that now I know my own heritage and I can be thankful for that.  Even if the government has no way of knowing...

I've Got a Great Person In My Corner

Rudy and I have been pretty lucky lately.  We're figuring out how to make things work better in our relationship.  We're learning how to work around his busy schedule and my busy schedule and make time for each other.  We're learning how to keep the spark alive over 170 miles.  We're going to have some bumps in the road.  We've already gotten over a few major hurdles.  But overall, we're doing really well.

I'm noticing a trend.  It seems like when things are good, everything is good.  When things are bad, everything is bad.  When Rudy and I were trying to figure things out before and it wasn't going well, that's when I started to have some major problems with my reunion.  And my mom wasn't doing so great.  Now that things are better between me and Rudy, my reunion seems to have leveled out a bit and my mom's doing better.  You would think that one would be connected to another, but that's not really the case.

I have no control over my mother's health issues, nor what happened in my reunion.  I did not have control over the fact that my first father made the choices that he did based on his other daughter picking up his cell phone and looking at a text message.  Those things happened to me, not because of me.  Me and Rudy on the other hand... that I have some sort of control over.  Not that I have complete control because it's another person that I'm dealing with.  But I can control how I react and how I respond to things.  And maybe there was a little bit of "my life sucks" that was coming into play back then.  And I'm sure it will come up again.  But you know what?  We're going to weather that storm too.

I'm really lucky to have a guy in my life who is willing to wait out the storm.  He's willing to listen to me talk about my reunion, even though he doesn't get it.  He's never met SinginInTheRain, so I'm sure that's hard for him.  I wanted them to meet, but when I was going to ask my first father, he sort of "dumped" me.  So much for that idea...

I've got my fingers crossed that we have some smooth sailing up ahead.  I know there are a few clouds on the horizon, but I'll deal with it when I get there.  And I know I've got some great people behind me, supporting me, to make the best of it.

The Darker Side of Reunion

Sometimes people tend to forget that there were unintended consequences for me when I entered into reunion.  Obviously being adopted in the first place had some major consequences (my name, identity, family, friends, history, etc).  But my reunion sparked it's own set of consequences, some of which I think its easy not to think about. (Note: this is about my reunion. These are my consequences.  Not all reunions are like this)

For starters, I opened up to my family about my reunion.  It started with my parents and my sister.  My adoptive parents at first were supportive, but it's strained our relationship.  I've noticed that I've been treated differently since I told them I had found my biological family.  The Grinch felt betrayed.  My mom was hurt I hadn't included her in the search.  Both of them struggled with what my reunion meant to them, and to me.  They both worried about me, knowing the back-story that I didn't.  And my sister seemed OK at first, and then became jealous of both my sisters (just the fact that she had to share me with two people I've never met) and my reunion in general.  We went from being close to barely speaking and borderline hating each other.  She's finally starting to come around, but it's been a rough few years and I've had to get through them without my sister.

As I opened up to my extended family, they were supportive.  They still are.  But it's not something that they understand or really want to.  It's not discussed.  Things do get a bit more tense.  I do get treated a little bit differently.  And I notice.  Or maybe it's just my perception that's changed.  Maybe it isn't them, maybe it's me who treats things differently.  Either way, it's a consequence of my reunion.  While still close to my family, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in all the time, rather than just every once and a while like when I was a kid.

My reunion changed my relationship with Rudy.  Rather than being able to focus on us, I've had to spend a lot more time focusing on myself.  More time than I'd like.  While I know that it's better for us in the long run if I deal with this now, it's frustrating sometimes to spend so much time and energy on my reunion.  I've invested a lot of my life in these relationships that are still secret on their end.  And that's a lot to handle.  I'm so fortunate to have a supportive boyfriend.  And he's been amazing.  But I would still much rather spend the time I've spent on two failed reunions with my boyfriend and other friends.

There are a lot of positives too.  I don't want to discredit them.  I've met some fantastic people.  I've been inspired by the stories I've read.  I better understand myself, and I don't feel so alone.  Knowing my truth and my history has been an amazing things.  Before all this started two years ago, I had no idea where I came from.  I was ashamed of a history I didn't know.  I didn't know who I looked like.  I didn't know my own birth story.  I felt like I didn't know who I was as a person.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  I would search and contact all over again if I had the choice knowing what I know now.  I wouldn't hesitate.

But overall, there were a lot of things that this reunion has changed in my life because I was open about it.  I took a chance in opening up about it.  I'm glad that I did, but I think that often people forget that when an adoptee opens up about a reunion to adoptive family members and others, it can be a huge challenge and things do change.  It affects a lot of different relationships and it takes a long time to process.  Adoption reunion isn't always rainbows and butterflies.  Sometimes there is a darker side of reunion that gets glossed over.

So it's something to consider.  Something to keep in mind.  Adoption doesn't just affect the adoptee, adoptive parents, and first parents.  It affects extended families, friends, and others.  It affects future spouses, and future children.  And while being open is in my honest opinion the best way to handle things, it doesn't mean that it's always a walk in the park.  For me, I cared enough about my first parents to be open about our relationship and to take the negative consequences with the positive ones.  C'est la vie.

Being Busy Isn't Helping

I'm being buried alive in paperwork!  My company updates its training records every few years and this is one of those years.  Because I'm the new girl, I have a lot to update.  So guess who's reading hundreds of pages of procedures?  You're looking at her!

It's also self-evaluation time.  My mother used to go crazy when she had to do her self-evaluation.  Mine isn't as complicated as hers.  Plus it really helps that I type all day long so I crank out paragraphs like it's nothing.  But it's still stressful trying to figure out the best way to sell myself, the girl who's only been there for a few months and still trying to figure out where all the bathrooms are (to be fair, this building is MASSIVE.  It's a half a mile long.  Literally).

One good thing about all this paperwork is that it's taking my mind off of other things.  And I've been pretty busy at home too.  My first father hasn't emailed me back yet.  Which is fine.  I shouldn't expect him to.  After all, I did change things up.  I had every right to.  I was justified.  But that still doesn't mean that he's not going to be hurt by it.  So I have to give him time to deal with it.  And I honestly don't know what's going on in his life.  So there could be a lot going on that I don't know about.  So that could be holding up his response.

I got some new furniture for my bedroom.  It's been a long time coming.  My clothes have literally been stacked on the floor in piles for about two months because I have no place to put them after the Grinch requested my old dresser for the guest bedroom.  I finally got my new dresser but that means that I have to organize everything again.  Joy.  Oh well!  Something to do!

I'm working on a few Valentine's Day surprises for Rudy.  He's been a bit stressed out lately and I want to give him a pick me up.  Part of his gift is here already but the other part needs to be ordered far in advance.  And it's going to take a pretty significant time to get to my house.  So my goal is to be finished by Friday so I don't have to worry about it.

If I can keep busy, maybe I won't check my email as much.  Maybe I won't feel the sting of rejection, which really makes no sense seeing as I want to end things, every time there is no email.  Really, I shouldn't feel this way.  But I do.  There's a part of me, a stupid part, that desperately wants him to write back and say that he's sorry and I'm right and I'm not going to be a secret anymore.  Not going to happen.  Not in a million years.  I know this.  But I still hope.  It's a huge flaw...

So here's to hoping that today will bring a change.  That today he'll get back to me and let me know that he at least doesn't hate me.  It shouldn't matter to me.  I shouldn't care about what other people think.  He didn't raise me and he made it perfectly clear that while I'm his daughter, I don't matter as much as his other daughters.  I'm not on equal footing as them because he chose not to raise me.  So what he thinks of me shouldn't matter.  But somehow it does.  (Note to self: Work on that)

The Ground Isn't Shaking As Much

I feel better about things.  I made my decision.  The ball is no longer in my court when it comes to reunion at this moment.  While I love being in control, I also hate the stress.  I don't like wondering what I should do and trying to make up my mind.  I forget sometimes how much power I have or that really it can be up to me.  So it's been stressful because I told my first father I'd think about what I wanted going forward and I'd get back to him.

Now that I've responded, I feel a huge weight off my shoulders.  I don't know how he's going to take my response to all of this.  I have a very good guess.  I can see him saying that he either just wants to email or nothing at all.  I don't see him wanting to text anymore if I won't abide by his new contact rules.  So I can see things continuing as just emails for now.  Or not at all.  We'll see.  I'm surprisingly OK with things.  Or I will be once I hear back from him.  We've now passed his normal "I'm writing you a response" time.  As in normally he would have emailed me back at this point.  But I guess I can see why he hasn't.  I took some time to think things through.  So I think he's probably doing the same.  That or he doesn't want to put the final nail in the coffin.  But feels like he has to.  Stinks being the one who has to end things.  But I'll get there.  I'm getting there.  One small step at a time.

We got amazing news about my mom last week.  Her new scans are better than ever.  I'm really happy about how things have been going lately with my mom.  She's doing better.  So much better in fact.  For the first time in months I have hope.  I know things won't stay like this forever.  Her cancer isn't curable.  But it feels like this current treatment is buying her a lot of time, time we didn't think we'd have.  So I'll take it.

My sister is starting to come around.  We were talking about a hypothetical situation (I got into an argument with an aunt over a hypothetical situation and I was telling my sister about the ridiculousness of it all) when she asked about my first father.  She just wanted to know how things were going.  It was a simple question, I gave an honest answer.  I asked her if she ever thought about looking and when she answered sometimes, I offered her help if she ever wanted it.  Then we moved on to a different topic.  It's a small step, but a step none the less.  I'll take what I can get.

I keep telling myself that things have to be bad sometimes for the good things to seem extra special.  That makes a lot of sense when I say it in my head anyway...

Wearing Big Girl Panties

I don't always feel like a grown up.  There are several reasons for this.  It's a problem.

For starters, I live at home.  With my parents.  Who don't view me as an adult.  So it's pretty hard to feel like a grown up when your parents are telling you what to do from the moment you walk through the door after work (a big girl job too!) until you go to bed (and they tell you when that is).  Sigh.  It's not their fault.  It's a common thing that parents don't see their adult children as adults.  Especially when they are still living at home.  So I'll always be their little girl.  It just gets annoying.  That's not going to change until I move out.  Which can't happen for a least a few more months.  Oh well.  I'll get there!

Next, this whole reunion thing sent be backwards a bit.  Something about connecting with a parent.  It's hard to do so as an adult.  So it's easier to think about when I was a kid and try to relate to my first parents from that point of view.  I'm not saying I acted like a kid around them.  Not at all.  But it made me take a step back into childhood and revisit a lot of those memories.  It's hard to move forward when you're looking back.  But at the same time, I had to look back.  I just got a bit stuck there.  I'll get over it.

The majority of my friends are my own age or younger.  We're all in various stages in terms of where we're living, our states of employment, and where we are with school.  The best way for everyone to connect is to act like we're still in college at times.  Because that's the thing that we all have in common.  But it doesn't make one feel horribly grown up.  I'm having a lot of fun with them.  And I'm not going to give that up.  But still, doesn't make one feel like a mature college graduate.  And let's not forget that Rudy lives at home as well.  So even when I visit him, it's not the same as if one of us had our own apartment.

It's not a huge problem, but at this point in my life, I do feel ready for more.  I do have a big girl job.  I'm making plans to have my own big girl place.  My boyfriend and I are talking about our future together, something that might actually materialize in the next year or two.  And I'm starting to think about what it is that I want out of life.  It's time to make some big girl decisions.  I can't imagine that I graduated high school six years ago (nearly).  It's unbelievable to me.  Time flew by so fast.  So I don't want to spend the next six years or so in a state of fogginess.

The purpose of my search and reunion was so that I could feel more complete.  So that I could get my answers and live a better life.  To figure out my past so I could enjoy the present and the future.  And I learned some hard lessons.  But I'm putting my big girl panties on.  I've decided that if I want to be more grown up, I have to act that way.  And that means standing up for myself.  That means treating me the way I deserve, rather than pushing me aside and letting other people do whatever they want and walk all over me.  I'm not the same girl I was two years ago.  I'm no where close to being the same girl I was six years ago.  I realized that six years ago I let other people walk all over me and didn't do anything about it because I was scared.  Now I'm letting two people walk all over me and I'm justifying it because I think it's the "right" thing to do.  So I'm not going to justify it anymore.  I won't tolerate it.  Nobody else is going to stand up for me.  So I'm going to have to do it myself.

Different Sides of Me

It's me!

There are so many different sides of me as a person.  It really all depends on my mood.

Some days I'm a happy person.  I can't stop smiling and I love to laugh.  I crack jokes that really aren't that funny, but the right people laugh anyway because I tried.  Simple things amuse me and I feel high on life.  These days often involve music, lots of music.  And dancing.  And photos.  And people.

Some days, I'm a thoughtful person.  These are days when I tend to be productive blogging.  I like to think things through.  I like to plan.  I'm careful, methodical, and I pay attention to detail.  If I have a problem, I'll plan out several scenarios.  I want to know my options.  I come up with creative solutions.  I discuss with others who know more than I do.  I research.  My computer is my friend.  I'm quiet, lost in thought.

Other days I'm sad.  I'm grieving the loss of the mother I knew.  I'm learning to live with my family again.  I'm missing my partner and the ease we had in college seeing each other every day.  I check my phone for messages every half hour.  I look for distractions.  I watch a lot of TV, read books, and sometimes I even try working out.

Then there are the days when I'm hyper.  I exercise and feel good afterward.  I organize.  Closets get cleaned out, laundry gets done, and to-do lists are made.  I shop for things I need, spend money I shouldn't, and often walk away with something I really should return.  I bounce off walls, I talk on the phone, and I do way too much at once.  Sometimes I'm productive, sometimes I'm not.  I lose my focus, but can often gain it back.  I eat sugar on those days.  It's probably not a good idea.

Let's not forget when I'm in my control mode.  I am a go-getter.  I make things happen.  I take a crappy situation, find a solution, and go for it.  I thrive off actions.  I'm productive.  I explain to people what they need to do to get things done.  I take complete charge.

And sometimes, just sometimes, I'm just me.  I'm the girl who takes care of everyone else but just wants someone to take care of me.  I'm the girl who spends a vacation planning another vacation, only the next one is with a special someone.  I'm the girl who loves Dunkin Donut's Raspberry Iced Tea.  I'm the girl who lives to dance and laugh, letting the music take over.  I love my family, enjoy my friends, and adore my dog.

I am all of these things, all of these sides of my personality.  My personality at times can be like New England weather.  If you don't like it, wait until tomorrow; it will change.

Disney Vacation Booked!

My vacation is officially booked.  I can't wait for May to hurry up and get here so I can go to Disney already!  It's going to be a lot of fun.  I can tell already!

Funny vacation planning story.  So I was going to book it a few times, but I wanted Rudy to look everything over.  If I made a mistake somehow, I didn't want to be blamed.  Not that Rudy would blame me for something like that.  But his parents might.  So I wanted to cover my bases.  We have really bad luck with stuff like this.  So I went over everything before I clicked "Make a Reservation" and then again before I clicked "Confirm".  He approved everything and we made a few decisions together.  Booked the trip, end of story right?

Turns out we booked over Mother's Day weekend.  Whoops!  What a disaster...  So first thing the next day Rudy had to call up the nice Disney people and ask them to switch some things around.  What a great way to start a vacation!  Thank goodness he called when he did.  He called before the airport got our reservations from Disney.  They hadn't processed it yet.  So we didn't have to pay a change fee, just a difference in flight prices, which wasn't that much.  So now we're booked for the right week.  I'll miss my parents anniversary, but I don't think they care about that.  Mother's Day was way more important!

So we're going.  And it will be amazing.  And I bought insurance just in case... I feel like such a responsible adult now... That is, a responsible adult going to a children's theme park.  Hehe!

Vacation Recap

I need a vacation from my vacation!  I got a lot accomplished, but not nearly enough.  I did however watch lots of TV.  While a part of me thinks "What a waste of a week" another part of me is happy I got to relax.  I saw lots of friends, loads of family, and had a great time overall.  I even took a trip to Connecticut to see Rudy which is a coin toss.  This time it was a fantastic visit, even though the air mattress I was sleeping on got a hole in it so I woke up in the middle of my last night on the floor.  Oh well!

Rudy and I made a game time decision and decided not to go to Times Square.  Instead, we sat around watching TV and movies all day in our PJs.  I can now say I've seen three of the four Die Hard movies (Live Free or Die Hard is still on my list).  Thanks to a new Netflix account I now have a way of slowly getting through my list of movies.  We also discovered Storage Wars.  It's pretty epic.  Though I do think it would be weird to go through someone else's stuff like that after buying a storage locker.  I can't get over it.  If you have something of major value in your storage locker and you were falling behind in your payments, why wouldn't you sell something to come up with the money to pay for it?  I've only seen a few episodes but one locker contained items estimated at $90,000.  That's a lot of money!

My friends and I had some great times too.  We went out a few times and hung out like we used to before we all had jobs.  What a nice life we all had back then!  One of my friends got great news this break too.  She not only got the job she applied for (how exciting!) but her boyfriend passed a major test and is able to move forward with his career.  So it was a good vacation for her.  My other friend started a new job after two years of searching.  While it's hard to be the new girl, she's adjusting well and finally doing what she went to school for.  So it was fantastic to see her and hear all about it.

We had a bunch of family parties this break too.  I saw the majority of my cousins (which is no small task as I have 27 of them...), aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  Next weekend I have another family party as three of my cousins will be playing in the same high school hockey game (on different teams no less!).  So there's been loads of extended family time.  Which is fun.  I'm sure after next weekend though I'll need a break!

Back to work and back to normal life I guess.  Did everyone have a great holiday season?

Disney Planning

Things have been a little bit hectic this past year.  There were a lot of changes in my life, a lot of challenges I never thought I'd have to face, and a lot of hurdles that I'm still trying to get past.  Life threw up some serious road blocks!  Some of those challenges are ongoing, but I find that the best way to deal with a dark time is to plan for the future.  So planning for the future I'm going to do!

When I was five, my family took a vacation to Disney World.  I was in my element!  As a Cinderella OBSESSED little girl, seeing the castle, just like it looked in the movie, was a dream come true.  I hate the movie Dumbo, but I loved the ride.  I had seen so many TV shows with the Dumbo ride, my friends had all been on it, and I just had to ride it.  So that was another dream come true after waiting for over an hour in line. It was a magical vacation, for me anyway.  However, we went during April Vacation week and the park was packed!  Plus our travel group consisted of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  And traveling with fourteen people isn't the most relaxing way to have a vacation.  Thus, at the end of the trip the Grinch declared he was never going back.  We begged.  We pleaded.  It didn't matter; we never went back.

Rudy and I decided that we are going to go away on vacation this spring.  In the past we've gone away to a tropical island (my idea of a fantastic vacation) but Rudy asked to do something a bit more exciting this year.  He's been all over the country and seen almost everything there is to see while I've barely left New England.  We tossed around a few ideas and when I tentatively suggested maybe Disney would be fun, Rudy was so excited we realized we had to go.  Why was Rudy, the person who's been there a large number of times, so excited to go?  Because he knew that I'm essentially like a first-timer.  I don't remember anything other than the Dumbo ride and "It's a Small World".  So going with me is like seeing the magic again for the first time.  I.  Can't.  Wait.

So I'm planning our vacation now.  I've been told to plan six months in advance, so I'm going to do my best to plan it all out now.  I have the time, so I'm looking into the best deals, figuring out where to stay, and trying to get a good price on flights.  I've been doing research into what week to go, and where to stay.  Rudy had one place to cross off the list.  He's stayed at that hotel three times.  The first time, his brother got the flu for the whole week (the flu while at Disney?  What a nightmare!).  The second time Rudy broke his hand (his brother was involved that time too... hmmm).  And the third time, after being there for one day they got the call that Rudy's grandfather had died and they had to fly home.

We also made a list of all the things that we really wanted to do.  We can't do all the parks in one week, so we're going to have to spend our time wisely.  Because I've never done a lot of the rides (five was too young for thrilling rides) I made a list and Rudy and I broke them down into parks.  Plus we both really want to do the Harry Potter theme park (that's a first for both of us!).  I'm so excited!

I feel like a little kid again!  Wish me luck in my planning adventures!

Boy Drama

So Rudy and I had a rough month.  The distance thing is awful.  We never planned on spending this much time away from each other after graduation.  We figured we'd have more freedom when we weren't tied down to getting our degrees.  We both stayed at school for an extra year for our masters and graduated at the same time.  We're both finished with our education unless I decide to go back someday (unlikely).  I was going to try to stay there for a year while he worked toward his CPA licence.  Then we were going to move together up near my family.  God's cracking up at our plans right now!  A pesky brain tumor wormed its way into the best laid plans and boom!  I'm home taking care of my sick mommy and Rudy's stuck in another state trying to get his licence and working for a company I'm starting to view as the Evil Empire.

Long distance relationships are hard.  They aren't for the weak.  You have to trust the other person 100% in order for it to work.  I had a friend point out once that Rudy could be doing whatever he wanted because I'd have no way of knowing.  A) My boyfriend isn't like that and B) I'd know.  That's the benefit of having loads of friends down there.  One of them would slip.  Something would come out.  And Rudy's either at work, talking to me on the phone, or with his family.  And we see each other nearly every weekend.  So in that sense I do trust him 100%.  You also have to know when it's going to be over.  You have to have a time in mind when you aren't going to be long distance and you're going to start being in a "normal" relationship.  Long distance isn't a permanent thing, at least not in my mind.  It's temporary.  So you have to have a rough idea as to when.  Rudy and I are having issues with that.  His job makes it nearly impossible for him to move, or have an idea as to when he's going to move.  He can either quit his job in a year and risk not being hired by someone else (he'd be short his licence) or he can wait it out a lot longer than we had planned and move up here in two years.  Two years, after already being apart for a half of a year, is a lot longer than we thought.  I can't move.  It's not an option with my mom being the way that she is.  So we're at a standstill.  I'm not 100% sure of how things are going to work out.

At the same time, I know that he's the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with.  We've been together coming up on five and a half years.  I know him backwards and forwards.  I can tell when he's annoyed with me.  I can tell when he's trying not to laugh and failing.  I can tell when he's sad.  I can tell when he's thrilled.  I can tell when he's frustrated at the situation too.  These are all things I can pick up over the phone.  I've gotten so good at reading him because that's our major form of communication.  I know him backward and forward and I know who he is.  I know the essential parts of Rudy.  He's my other half.  He's my best friend.  He's the person first think of in the morning, and the last person I think of as I'm falling asleep.

So we're starting to plan for our future together.  Because if we don't, I'm going to lose my mind.  First step, plan a vacation for next year.  After all our time apart, we need some time together just the two of us.  I can't wait!

Goals for the Week

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!  Today continues my vacation that I started last Friday.  Thanks to my company giving us all some time off (Friday and today, plus the Monday after New Years) and my remaining vacation time, I'm able to enjoy this whole week off (which turned out to be 11 days).  So ten points to me!  I have a few goals for this very busy week.

My first goal is to clean out the trunk of my car.  It's full right now.  Mostly with jackets, shoes, and books.  So I need to bring in all the jackets and hang them in the closet, put the shoes away in the bin under my bed, and get the books back into the bookcase.  That's the plan for today.  I know I can get it done!

My next goal is to order my new dresser.  My dad took my old one for the guest bedroom and promised to buy me a new one, one that I can take with me when I move.  So I picked out the one I want, I just need to order it online using my dad's credit card.  That's another goal that I think I can accomplish today.  I'm determined.

I'm pretty sure I can get both of these things done in time to go visit with an old friend.  She was my neighbor growing up (and my mentor's daughter).  I was the flower girl in her wedding.  Her oldest daughter just got into college this month (and is the same age as KungFuPanda).  I didn't know this until recently, but her husband is an adoptee.  Go figure...  We've been trying to meet up forever but it just hasn't worked out.  Seeing her is a top goal for the week!

Tomorrow I have the annual Christmas party for my mom's side of the family.  The kids do a gift grab and the adults do a Yankee Swap.  It's pretty funny.  One of my uncle's in notorious for stopping somewhere to get a gift card on the way to the party where the rest of us plan for weeks as to what to get.  Naturally everyone wants the gift card he buys and his gift is the most popular swapped item.  Nice...

Wednesday is my "down day".  My mom had a baby book that she made for me.  It's all about my adoption with cute baby pictures of me.  I have mixed feelings about it.  Some of the language isn't so great to deal with but at the same time, it's a part of my history.  My mom used to read it to me as a bedtime story.  A few years ago the pages started to yellow so my mom ripped it apart to save the pictures.  She promised to put it back together again but never got around to it.  I found a few websites that will let me put it back together again as long as I scan the photos.  No more yellow pages!  So the goal for Wednesday is to put the book back together again online and order it.  My mom is going to help me so it should be a lot of fun to spend some time with her.

Thursday I will probably go to Connecticut to spend some time with my "school" family.  It ought to be a fun time.  I'm planning on celebrating New Years in Times Square (I'm crazy I know) and coming home Sunday night.  That leaves Monday to finish anything that I didn't get done over the week.  It's not much of a vacation (though the weekend will be) but I put so much off for "when I have time" that I really need to get done this week to start the year off right!

Wish me luck!  I'm going to need it...