I Have Options

I've been thinking a lot about options.  I'm starting to realize that I now have a lot more options than I used to.  It's just funny because my reunion has been completely stale for the last three months.  Things weren't changing and they didn't look promising for a while.  Actually, it was getting really hard to blog because I wasn't sure what to write about.  There are only so many posts you can do on general adoption every day before you start to run out of ideas.  My style is to write about my own experiences with adoption but with almost no new experiences, it was getting a little rough.  So now I've got plenty!  Hehe!

The obvious change is that I will be meeting my first mother.  This is huge.  I have always hoped that someday it would happen, and I'm thrilled that it's happening now.  I feel better than I've felt for a very long time and for the first time in a long time, I feel secure with my life in a way I haven't before.  I have a plan, I know where it is that I want to go, and I'm making steps toward that future.  Meeting my mother was one of my goals for the year.  In fact, it was the biggest goal for the year.  I just feel like this is the right time for me and who knows what could happen from here?  This could open up doors or close them.  Either way, loose ends are going to be tied up and we'll both be able to move on finally.

For the first time, I have the ability to be found.  I have several first family members on Ancestry.com.  They have the ability to find me if I make my tree public.  I currently have the tree set to private.  I was going to change the setting, but now I'm waiting to see how my meeting goes.  I'm going to make it public eventually, I just don't want to overwhelm myself.  I don't want to meet my first mother and then be found immediately afterward and thrown into another reunion without fulling processing the big one (or to be found before I meet her and to have her change her mind... that would be very bad).  I want to give myself some time to sort through anything that meeting my first mother will stir up.  If I assume that nothing is going to come out of it, then that's just naive on my part.  So while it's an option, one that I had in my back pocket if my first mother said no, I'll probably not exercise my right to make my tree public for a little while longer.  I don't want to overwhelm myself, and I know it doesn't take much to do that.

KungFuPanda also turns eighteen within the next few weeks.  Before, my hands were tied as she was a minor.  I couldn't contact her or hope to be found.  That was very hard for me.  My sister will soon be a legal adult, and therefore I have nothing holding me back from contacting her.  I still think that it's best coming from my first parents.  I'm hoping to figure some things out with them when I meet them (pinch me!).  We'll see what happens.  I'm really hoping that after meeting me, my first mother will be able to set some of her fears aside and realize that it doesn't have to be a bad thing.  This is another area where I have to be really careful not to overwhelm myself.  I have to carefully balance everything and not jump into something when I'm not prepared to deal with it.  Before I was thinking that I'd contact her this summer.  Now I'm thinking I'm going to put that plan to rest until the dust settles from meeting my first mother.  I have to do what's best for me and I'm struggling with what that might be.

I have options.  I can make changes if I want.  My hands aren't as tied as they used to be.  It's just funny to me that all of these options opened up at the same time.  I think that if things hadn't worked out with the whole meeting my first mother thing, than I'd be seriously looking into other options.  As it is, I'm going to sit back and see where this ride takes me for now.

I Like Writing

I was at lunch the other day and someone started talking about the importance of writing.  We were discussing college classes and how even computer people have to take English classes and do lots of writing.  Bet you didn't know that engineers are expected to be writers, did you?  Anyway, it got me thinking about my own writing and all the writing I do.  I do a lot of writing here.  Some posts are short, some are long, but there's a post (almost) everyday.  And you know what?  It's a lot easier now than it used to be.  I look back at some of the earlier posts and see how far I've come.  It's a great exercise and I'm really enjoying it.

This isn't my only blog either.  I have a blog that for now is private about my relationship with Rudy.  It's private because I want to make it look awesome before I give out the address and I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it.  It's a personal blog that I'm going to be sharing with my family and friends but I'm not sure if anyone really wants to read it.  In actuality, it's more for just the two of us as a chronicle of our relationship so we'll have the memories someday (like a live scrapbook that's always being added to).  So even though I don't write there everyday, it's a completely different experience to write for myself in the future.  If that makes sense.

I also started a super private blog.  I've decided to let the sister thing go for now.  But because I'm me, I can't really let anything go.  So I've started a super private blog where I'm writing them letters everyday.  Sometimes I write about me and my history, sometimes I write advice I wish I could give them.  I don't ever write about our parents.  Some posts are pictures I want to share with them.  Sometimes I just post a quote.  But everyday there's something there.  They might never see the blog.  It's more for me to feel like I'm doing something.  If we do get in touch, I can either give them access or I can chose from my letters and send a few to them.  We'll see.

That's a lot of writing.  Lots and lots of writing.  I'm glad I have the time now.  I don't think I always will.  So I'm going to keep writing as much as I can right now and keep going for as long as I can.  And because I'm in the habit of writing everyday, I hope that when things get crazy again (and we all know they will), I'll still be able to write and keep it up.

Plus all this writing means that my typing has gotten a lot faster.  Which is amazing.  My goal is to get up to 75 WPM by the end of the winter.  I can do it.  I'm floating around 72 right now.  Hehe!

Sometimes It's Better Not to Share

I was asked not to talk about my reunion at home.  Actually, I was asked not to talk about "those people" around my mother.  I say asked but it really wasn't like that.  I was told.  But I'm 24 years old.  Nobody tells me what to do.  And I never promised that I wouldn't.  Before I saw my first father on my birthday, I told my mother about it.  I did make a promise to her not to keep things like that from her a while back.  I plan on keeping that promise.

However, I haven't told her about anything that's happened recently.  In an odd turn of events, my sister knows more about my reunion than my mother does.  The person who was least supportive at this point knows the most.  And her least supportiveness (ha, I made up a word!) is now the most supportive that anyone is my family is being.  Go figure.

My adoptive family has no idea what has happened with my first father.  I told my mentor about it, and her reaction was enough for me.  She was very upset that it had happened (I don't blame her) and she immediately went after both of my first parents.  She was being protective of me.  I get that.  And to her, it makes complete sense for me to cut off all contact and never look back.  She doesn't think I should even consider making contact with my sisters, even ten years down the line, because they were raised by "those people" and why would I want anything to do with them?

So I'm not talking about it in real life anymore.  I'm running scared.  I'm back in the reunion closet.  Well, it's not a reunion anymore, so I'll have to come up with another name for it.  I worked so hard to get out of that closet too.  Yet back in I go.  Though I'll admit, this time to door is open a crack.  I think my new response to people is going to be that I know my biological parents and leave it at that.  They don't need to know that my only contact with them right now is holiday emails.  Two line emails (ouch).  But I do know my biological father.  I know him.  I've met him.  I've talked to him about all sorts of stuff.  So I'll fudge it a bit and make it seem like I know her too.  And I sort of do if you can know someone through email.

I'm just learning not to share.  Because honestly?  I feel like I have to defend them.  Because they are my family.  They always will be.  They are where I come from.  I love them.  They are my parents.  I have four parents, not just two.  And I love all four of them.  So when I share my story to my friends and family and they react to defend me, I get put in this super awkward position because I feel the need to defend them, but then I'm defending people who really hurt me.  Badly.  Which sucks.  So I'm just keeping things private.  And I know it will break my mother's heart.  She never wanted me to be hurt.  She was so cautious before and wanted to be there along the way with me because she had a feeling that this would happen to me.  So she doesn't need to know.  She doesn't remember to ask me about them anymore.  The Grinch won't bring them up, ever.  Or if he did, it would just be to remind me how much he doesn't want to talk about it.  And my sister, well, it's a sore spot for us so we avoid it if we can.

So I'm here.  Not talking in real life.  With the exception of a friend or two (you know who you are...).  But I am blogging.  Because that's all I can do right now.  I can't make them change their minds.  I can't give them resources because they are so private that if I explained that I knew people they could talk to they would flip out.  I can't fix this situation without completely compromising myself. And as much as I'd like to, I just can't right now.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  It has to be.

Got My Email (Finally)

Well, I'm please to report that I got my email.  And I'm also pleased to report that I did not go crazy and it was not at all what I expected.  For starters, my first father apologized for not getting back to me sooner.  He's not mad at me.  And he said that he understands and gets why I feel that way.  He's happy that we can still email.  He's going to let me know when things are going to move forward but he's not going to bring it up until he knows for sure next time (so we avoid the whole Thanksgiving thing).

So after me freaking out and thinking he hated me, it turns out he just needed some extra time to email me.  I wish he had sent that last week.  It would have made things so much easier on me.  And would have eliminated a week of major stress and serious sleep deprivation.

So I guess we're going to email each other like we used to in the beginning.  It's a major step backwards, but its something.  I'll still roughly know what's going on.  I can look forward to the emails.  I'll still be in the back of his mind and I won't be going away anytime soon.  I'm making the assumption (which can be bad) that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  Eventually they have to be more open about me.  And they can't ignore me if at least one of them is getting an email from me every week.

I want to know what's going on.  It's hard to explain.  But I guess if I had to try, I would say that I have a feeling that eventually, they are going to tell my sisters.  I don't think it's going to be anytime soon.  I wouldn't be surprised if it's not ten or so years down the line.  I have a feeling that I'll snap long before then.  So what we are left with is that it's going to take a while.

Now is not a good time for me.  This was figured out Thanksgiving.  And who knows what's going to happen next?  I have to believe that if it really wasn't a good time for me, I could speak up about it.  They could still tell my sisters, but they could ask that I be given some space before my sisters contact me if that's what they want. Because reunions are completely and totally overwhelming.  And all consuming.  No matter what.  Even when prepared, even when you are the one initiating it, it's still something that you lose control over.  Or at least I do. It took me a solid two months with each parent for the world to even feel like it wasn't spinning so much.  Crazy scary.  I couldn't sleep, I could eat, and I neglected my friends, family, boyfriend, everything.  And that's OK if I'm in a place where I can better handle things.  And if my life doesn't totally suck, then I can handle the rejection better.

Right now, I'm in a so-so place.  My mother is doing very well.  I'm adjusting.  I'm grieving, but it's going a lot better.  Rudy and I worked out a lot.  So things are better between us.  And things are getting better living at home.  With my sister home, it won't be long before I'm making plans, but I have a rough idea already that includes me looking for a new apartment in two months.  So that's OK too.

But I know that I have some major life changes up the road.  For starters, a new apartment.  Next, Rudy and I are talking about taking a step forward in our relationship which is going to reek major havoc on my life (in a very good and positive way).  And I have no idea how long things are going to stay like this with my mom.  That could change at anytime.  So I wouldn't want my first parents to tell my sisters about me right before a major event.  Or during a major change.  Or at least I'd want to have an idea that it was coming to mentally prepare myself.

Then again, I could be worrying about nothing.  Seriously.  Probably never going to happen.  But you never know.  So I'm preparing for the worst, but still hoping for the best.  And that means emailing my first father every now and then.  We'll see where this one goes.

The Ground Isn't Shaking As Much

I feel better about things.  I made my decision.  The ball is no longer in my court when it comes to reunion at this moment.  While I love being in control, I also hate the stress.  I don't like wondering what I should do and trying to make up my mind.  I forget sometimes how much power I have or that really it can be up to me.  So it's been stressful because I told my first father I'd think about what I wanted going forward and I'd get back to him.

Now that I've responded, I feel a huge weight off my shoulders.  I don't know how he's going to take my response to all of this.  I have a very good guess.  I can see him saying that he either just wants to email or nothing at all.  I don't see him wanting to text anymore if I won't abide by his new contact rules.  So I can see things continuing as just emails for now.  Or not at all.  We'll see.  I'm surprisingly OK with things.  Or I will be once I hear back from him.  We've now passed his normal "I'm writing you a response" time.  As in normally he would have emailed me back at this point.  But I guess I can see why he hasn't.  I took some time to think things through.  So I think he's probably doing the same.  That or he doesn't want to put the final nail in the coffin.  But feels like he has to.  Stinks being the one who has to end things.  But I'll get there.  I'm getting there.  One small step at a time.

We got amazing news about my mom last week.  Her new scans are better than ever.  I'm really happy about how things have been going lately with my mom.  She's doing better.  So much better in fact.  For the first time in months I have hope.  I know things won't stay like this forever.  Her cancer isn't curable.  But it feels like this current treatment is buying her a lot of time, time we didn't think we'd have.  So I'll take it.

My sister is starting to come around.  We were talking about a hypothetical situation (I got into an argument with an aunt over a hypothetical situation and I was telling my sister about the ridiculousness of it all) when she asked about my first father.  She just wanted to know how things were going.  It was a simple question, I gave an honest answer.  I asked her if she ever thought about looking and when she answered sometimes, I offered her help if she ever wanted it.  Then we moved on to a different topic.  It's a small step, but a step none the less.  I'll take what I can get.

I keep telling myself that things have to be bad sometimes for the good things to seem extra special.  That makes a lot of sense when I say it in my head anyway...

Secret Relationship

I have an aunt who always has a quote up her sleeve.  It doesn't matter what the situation, she always has a quote that fits and gives good advice.  She's the aunt I call when I'm having a bad day because she picks me back up again.  She's been so good to me the last few months, becoming like a second mother to me as I've struggled with my own mother not being there for me due to her illness.  And she's also the first person in my family outside of my parents I told about my reunion.  She was so supportive.  But she didn't like the situation I was in.  The reason I know this?  Some well meaning quotes were left where I could see them.  Gifts turned into packets of quotes she thought I would like.  When she knew I'd be visiting, she'd leave out scraps of paper where I could see them.  Subtle?  No.  Effective?  Yes.  The one that clearly spoke to me was:

If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

And you know what?  That's a true story.  My secret relationship with my first father feels wrong.  It feels like I'm a little kid with my hand caught in the cookie jar.  I feel like the other woman, which I can guarantee you is the oddest feeling when you're talking about your father.  I deserve better than that.

The thing is, I'm an adult.  I may not feel that way sometimes, but I've been an adult for a while.  I make my own decisions and I don't need my first parents permission to do anything.  They signed away their rights to make any sort of demands on me or have any sort of control over me as a person 24 years and 11 days ago.

I respect them as people.  I wouldn't "out" myself to their two minor daughters because my sisters are their children and I respect that.  But, that doesn't mean I don't have the right to contact anyone else, any other adult.  There are no rules against it, no laws to stop one adult from contacting another for the first time.  I'm not a stalker, I don't intend to harm anyone, and I have the right to contact someone I'm related to if that's what I want.  I'm not saying I'd do it.  I seriously doubt I would.  But if I don't, it's because I made that decision, not my first parents.

And I'm not going to enter willingly into a relationship where I have to check the time before texting like a mistress or something.  I'm sorry, but I deserve better.  I get that he's in a bad situation.  I don't know how he does it.  Before, I would try to be mindful of the time.  I tried not to text him on a day off.  But he was the one texting me on his days off.  He initiated it.  I followed unspoken rules before to try to make things easier.  But I won't follow dictated ones for the sake of making things easier for him when it comes to people who should already know about me.

It's not fair to me.  It's not right.  And I won't have anything to do with it.  I won't be in a secret relationship like that.  So I'm going to take my aunt's advice.  I'm going to do what's best for me at this point.  Here's a quote to leave you with:

If I don't see myself as a victim, then I'm not a victim. 
~Noomi Rapace

Decision Made About Sisters

I know, I know...

I've been thinking a lot about my sisters.  And how far I'm willing to go when it comes to them.  I've gotten a lot of advice.  There is a camp out there who thinks I should wait until they are older and then get in touch with them.  This group says that the girls are young right now (14 and 17) and that I should give them some time to grow up a bit before I come charging into their lives.  And there is another camp (slightly larger) that says I should do it now, because they are old enough, and they deserve to know about me.  So I've been listening to each side, thinking about the options, and trying to figure out what to do.

And in this process, I started to think about what it would eventually look like after they know about me.  And if they wanted anything to do with me.  And no matter how hard I try, I don't see it ending all that well.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe it could be wonderful.  But we have some major obstacles in our way.

For starters, even if they were able to get past the fact they have a sister they never knew about, I could see it being a major challenge to build a relationship with me while still living at home.  I don't have contact with our mother.  She doesn't want to meet me, she doesn't even want to talk about me with my first father, so I don't see that changing any time soon.  If my sisters wanted to discuss me with her, she wouldn't want to.  It would hurt her.  And I don't like the idea of my sisters being put in the middle.

Next up, we were raised very differently.  And I think it would be very hard for them to understand that I wasn't giving a better life, just a different one.  I know that from the outside my life at times looks perfect.  My adoptive family works very hard on appearances.  And I also know that I grew up "lucky".  I didn't have a horrible childhood.  But at the same time, who knows what my life could have been with my biological family?  And honestly, I wish I had known them growing up.  I struggle with identity, self-esteem, and relationships because of my adoption.  To a sister who only sees the world in black and white, I can see this being a problem.  I can see jealously in our future, on my part and on theirs.  It's not something that we couldn't overcome, but it would be a major challenge.

Then we have the extended family problem.  My first father does not think it would be a good idea for me to meet his family.  Now, if you know me at all, you know that doesn't mean anything to me.  If I want to get to know them, I'm going to.  So that's not the issue.  I'm an adult.  I can make my own decisions Thank You Very Much.  The issue is more that when my first father's family (and mine) finds out about me, there's going to be a lot of drama.  And my sisters are going to have to deal with all of it.  Which could cause further problems.  And on my first mother's side, we have the grandparent issue.  Because my grandparents were in a position to support her in keeping me and they didn't.  They encouraged the adoption.  But to my sisters, they were the best grandparents in the world.  So I can see that being a major problem as well when dealing with people who are very focused on seeing the world in black and white.  And I can see my sisters being defensive.  Heck, I would be too if I were in that position.

Then again, all of these assumptions could be wrong.  I could meet them, things could work themselves out, and in the end I could have a wonderful relationship with two more sisters.  We don't share a history but if we could get over that, maybe we could share a future.  However, nothing in either of my reunions went the way I had hoped for it to go.  And I honestly can't see it happening, not without my first parents cooperation.  Which I'm realizing the more time goes on, I'm not going to get.

I'm slowly getting used to the idea.  I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I'm letting it go.  It's taken a lot for me to get to this place.  But I'm working hard to grieve the loss of the fantasy and deal with my reality.  Someday they will find out about me.  And maybe we'll talk a few times, even meet a time or two.  But that's probably all that will happen.  And even that might not materialize.  So I'm moving on.  I'm accepting that this is the hand that was dealt to me.

I'm not going to "out" myself to my sisters.  I don't see the point.  I'm not really going to gain anything other than heartbreak.  And I'm not ready for more heartbreak right now.  It's going to take years before I'm in a place for that.  So thank you to everyone who has supported me in this.  It really means a lot to me.

I don't see myself as giving up, just realizing the reality of the situation and getting to a place where I'm ok with that.  It's working well for now.

Another Letter

Dear KungFuPanda,

First of all, congratulations!  I'm so excited that you've been accepted into college and that you received a scholarship!  It's an amazing accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself.  I've heard it all through the grapevine and there's nothing I want more than to share in this joy with you.  But since I cannot, I'm writing you a letter on a public blog instead.

I have some sisterly advice for you when it comes to college.  Take what you can from it and throw out the rest.  Which oddly how you should take all advice...  Back to the point!

College is different than high school.  You're parents aren't going to be around.  You're truly on your own.  You have your friends, but you probably won't know many people at first.  It's scary to face a room full of people and to not know anyone.  But remember that they are scared too.  They don't know anyone either.  So be open.  Be friendly.  And you'll find your friends.  Sometimes all it takes is a smile and a kind word.  You'll quickly find that your friends become your family in college.  Be good to them and they'll be good to you.

You're going to have a lot of time on your hands.  More time than you've ever had before.  You no longer are sitting in a classroom from eight until two every day.  You probably only have about fifteen hours of class a week.  Use that extra time wisely.  I don't mean lock yourself up in the library either.  Sometimes the best things that you can learn in college are discovered by getting out there and meeting new people.  Join a club you never would have considered in high school.  Attend a religious ceremony for a religion you know nothing about (try to find a friend to go with though so they can explain it to you).  Volunteer.  Play video games with the kid down the hall.  Learn about life.  Study so you do well in your classes.

Now for the not so much fun stuff.  Be careful.  Be safe.  Not everybody you meet is going to be a good person.  So you're going to need to exercise some judgement and have some common sense.  If you go out with your girlfriends, come home with your girlfriends.  Keep your cell phone with you at all times and make sure you charge it before you go out.  Always have an emergency $20 for a cab in case you need it.  Learn your school's safety system and put the number for the college police in your cell phone.  You've probably been told this a million times, but it's worth being said again.  Watch your drink.  Watch it while the bartender is pouring it.  If you put it down and walk away, get a new drink.  Know your limits and stick to them.  Water in a red solo cup is a great way to stop people from bugging you to drink more.  It's better to be prepared and not need it than to be unprepared and get yourself accidentally in trouble.  You're smart.  I know you have the tools to keep yourself safe.

You're a bright girl.  You're going to go far.  It may seem scary at first and out of reach, but I know that you can accomplish anything you set your mind too.  And trust me, these next four years are going to fly by.  You'll look back someday and wonder where your college years went.  So live in the moment.  Have fun!  You've got a big sister out there somewhere who's silently supporting and praying for you.  You can do this kid!

Your big sister,

Making Decisions

It's been a week and I'm still processing.  I think it's going to take me a while.  I was cut off cold turkey so that was hard.  At least with my first mother, contact slowed down near the end.  I could see the writing on the wall.  I had an active part in ending things.  But this time around, I had no warning.  I went from at least a text message every day and talking at least once a week to nothing.

Last Sunday I watched the Patriots game and thought "I should text SinginInTheRain and see what he thought of that play!" because he's the only person I really talk football too.  Then I remembered I couldn't.  I volunteered at a Christmas party for 100 autistic kids and nearly texted him again with a funny story before I remembered once again, I can't do that anymore.

The thing is, it took me forever to trust him.  I mean really trust him.  For the longest time I'd hold my breath and wonder if each email would be the last, if each phone call would be the last.  I double checked all my text messages to make sure I wouldn't offend him.  I was so careful.

Then my mom got sick in the spring, and my first father was there for me.  And I started to trust him a little more.  Then my first father asked to introduce me as his niece and I was upset.  I told him I was upset and we talked it out.  We didn't solve anything, but things got better.  I started to trust him a little bit more because he hadn't turned and run.  And then my birthday rolled around and he made every effort to come and see me.  And after that, I fully trusted him.  Things finally felt normal.

And just like that it all went away.  To be clear, my first father didn't cut off all contact.  He told me he'd still make an effort to call me every once and a while, and he would still email me whenever he could.  Gee.  How generous of him.  Here's the thing.  It's not hard to clear the text messages on the phone.  I typically don't text him when he's at home.  So really, not my fault that he kept things on his phone.  It's super easy to delete a call from the log on the phone.  He's got a smart phone.  A monkey could do it.  So that's silly too.  And the whole email pops up JUST LIKE a text message, so really, there's no difference there, just that he moves them over on the computer and doesn't leave them on his phone.  No reason to end text messages.  Oh, and he had three days to think about it.  While that's not years, it wasn't like he got caught and then called me an hour later.  He did have some time to think about it.  And that was the best solution he could come up with.  And I wasn't included.  I was told this is how it's going to be.

I don't have to take that, and I won't.  I can't ever trust him again.  He knew it was going to hurt me, but honestly, he was more concerned about himself.  He lied to my sister's face.  I'm so angry on her behalf. And if he could lie to her, it's not a huge leap to see that he could lie to me.  So I'm done.  I'd be very happy never to see or hear from him again.  I've felt that way since I hung up the phone last week.  But I did want that email he promised me.  Because I wanted to see how much of an ass he is.  I got my email, the one I was promised six days after "The Call".  The way I see it, he could either have sent me a nice long apology email and try to patch things up, or he could have just pretended everything is ok.  Guess which one I got?  Apparently it was more important for him to tell me about how much he hates this weather than to say he's sorry.

I will meet my first mother someday.  I feel like I need to for me.  And I was worried that I would put it off because of him.  So that's one good thing.  I was going to wait to contact my siblings.  I don't have to anymore.  I'm going to contact them when I'm ready.  I might not be ready for a long time.  I don't know what I'm going to do because I don't want anything to be reactionary; it has to be well thought out.  So that's another positive.

I'm still processing.  And I'm so hurt by everything.  I didn't do anything wrong and I don't deserve this.  I don't deserve to be forced into a closet.  And my first family will eventually learn that living and breathing skeletons are the worst kind to have because eventually they set themselves free.

Taking Back Control Part 1

Trying to get back to peacefullness

I know I've said this before and failed miserably, but I've decided to take control of my life.  I think that life in general (and mine more specifically) is very complicated.  There are so many different layers and conditions and parts that it's hard to take control of them all.  And then there are certain things that are out of our control.  What's that saying again?  Thanks to Google and Wikipedia we have:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

There you have it.  But there are things that I can change.  I just haven't been recognizing that lately.  So I'm going to break it down and figure out what I need to work at a little harder right now.

Mom situation
My mother is really holding her own.  She's been doing great and improving.  Her doctors finally found a good combination for her medication and she's able to do more these days than in the past.  She's acting more like her old self during the day.  There's nothing I can do to control this situation, but I am able to make things easier for her at home.  I do have control over the little things.  And I do those things.  Which means Christmas shopping and leaving laundry out for her to do (it's her one chore and makes her happy -- weird right?).  So control?  I'll call that a check!

Sister
We're finally starting to get along better.  We have a common enemy in the Grinch.  So things are a lot less stressful when she's around.  I still stand by the fact we get along better when we don't live together, but she's finally back in her own apartment.  So hopefully things will continue to go well.  I have managed to control my reaction to her.  I treat her with indifference and make my expectations clear.  Example: I made it very clear she is not to drive my car.  I'm indifferent to the situation as long as she doesn't touch my car.  That being said, last time she tried, she called me a bitch and refused to speak to me for two weeks.  I treated that situation with indifference.  She knows the expectation and knows she can't rattle me for attention.  Therefore, when I asked if she wanted to go to a concert with me in the spring, she agreed.  I wasn't holding onto the car thing, she saw that, and we moved on.  It's a much better situation.

Rudy
Oh boy.  How to tackle this one... We have a rough plan.  He knows that our current situation isn't working for me.  He knows I'm not going to budge on that.  He also knows that while he's the most important person to me, I've been very clear from day one about my expectations about certain things (like geography).  We're working through it.  I'm not sure how things are going to turn up.  All I know is I'm not going to make it over two years of long distance.  I'm done with the whole thing and it's only been six months.  I used to tell people that if you really care about a person, you find a way to make it work.  And I still believe that to some extent.  But I also believe that it's extremely hard to go through the toughest part of your life to date alone because your significant other is living three hours away and can't be there.  I've also learned that it takes two to tango.  We're still up in the air.  We have a lot to figure out.  And my situation at home isn't helping.  Neither are his parents who have been trying to control his life.  But we're working.  So I'd say this is half way under control.  Not quite there, but getting there.

The Grinch
I've decided that's his new nickname.  It's a movie and sums up how I feel about him these days.  This post is already long, so I'm tackling this one in it's own post tomorrow.  I have lots to say.

No Go

My attempt at a bag...
No wonder they won't say
anything about me :-) 

So I finally asked my first father about the status of letting me out of the bag.  I got the answer I was expecting. It's a no go.  He feels like crap.  Blah blah blah.  I'm handling it better than I thought I would.  I actually was secretly hoping that they wouldn't tell my sisters about me right now.  I'm not ready.  And I'm not in a good place.  I'd never bring that up and give them (my first parents) fodder to drag things out.  I could see them using it as an excuse for years if they wanted.  I don't want any of that on me.  But I don't think I can handle another added thing in my life right now.  I honestly don't.

I have my mother's health to deal with.  I have my father treating me like a stranger, only talking to me when he wants something or when he has another rule to dictate (the latest was no food in my room after I had an unopened bag of potato chips).  I have my sister who is not talking to me again because I wouldn't let her borrow my car one night when it was my only way to get to work the next morning (as in if something happened to my car, I'd have to call in sick because I couldn't get to work).  I have my boyfriend who lives two and a half hours away who I never get to talk to anymore because he's so busy (twelve hour work days suck) and he's not treating me the way I deserve.  And I have a lot of other stress from various things.  My to-do list has reached epic proportions.

I've also dropped five pounds in the last three weeks.  I'm not in a great place.  I'm working on digging myself out of it.  I'm exercising more (not helping the weight thing, but helping the mental thing which I hope in turn will help the weight thing).  I'm learning more about photography and playing with my new camera.  I'm reading more and watching TV less (though I have discovered Once Upon a Time and I highly recommend it).  I'm taking time to email my long lost friends.  I'm working on a scrapbook using the new pictures I'm taking.  So I'm learning to move forward with my life.  It's working, but slowly.  It's just all hit me at once.  And I'm trying to focus more on me as a person.  I've given so much of myself to others, which is the way I like to be.  But I haven't taken the time to focus on just me.  And I'm stretched too thin these days in more ways than one.  I'm slowly being pulled apart and I can't continue this way.  I need to get better before I'm in a position to have an all encompassing reunion with two sisters.  Who may not want a reunion.  I just can't handle that at this particular time.

I don't know how long it's going to take me to pull myself out of this depression I seem to find myself in.  In the past, it's only taken a few days.  I'm now closing in on week three.  This is different for me.  I'm not used to feeling like this for extended amounts of time.  I'm working on it.  I have some wonderful people helping me and supporting me.  I'm determined to get through this in one piece.

I feel selfish for not being more upset.  My sisters finding out about me is something that I've wanted since the minute I found out about them.  But I can't handle it right now.  I honestly think I'd have a mental break down if one more thing gets added to my plate right now.  I just can't deal with one more person depending on me to get them through hard times.

I can hear my friend Christina's question right now.  What's the ideal situation that you envision?  So to answer you my dear friend (because I know you read this blog all the time these days or lots of people from an obscure African country have managed to find my blog), the ideal would be that I'd dig myself out of this hole over the next few weeks.  I'm giving myself time to deal.  Then I'd maintain being mentally together for a few months.  I need to feel stable for a bit.  And then I'd start to entertain the idea of a reunion.  Maybe in the spring.  Hopefully I'll have some other things worked out by then.  That's my ideal.  A spring reveal.  Where I'm more together.  And I'm happier.  And I've got more things worked out.  And my life is more stable.  That's what I'm working towards.  Naturally, I have no say.  But a girl can dream.

The Cycle Could Continue

Something that has always struck me was when one member of the "Triad" (stupid name, makes me think of a gang) participates in adoption as second time around.  They continue the cycle so to speak.  I'm not saying it's a bad thing; I'm choosing to withhold judgement.  I do think that an adoptee would make a better adoptive parent in that they in theory should understand what the adoptee is going through.  Rebecca over at Love Is Not a Pie is someone who comes to mind.  Another part of me wonders though if every adoptee things about adoption differently (of this I am convinced) then who's to say that an adoptee adoptive parent won't force their views on an adoptling?  It could happen.  Anyway, that is why I withhold judgement.  I can see pros and cons.  Moving on....

So it's an interesting concept.  And something that I think about from time to time.  I don't know enough about it.  And then I was rereading some old emails and letters and something that NeverTooLate emailed me stopped me dead in my tracks.

"[The girls] both say they don’t want to get married.  The funny thing is that they both talk about adopting a baby and not having one the other way."

Interesting.  Very interesting.  My sisters both talk about adopting a baby.  Now, the first thing that came into my head is that they were 12 and 15 at the time.  What 12 year old wants to get married?  I probably said the same thing at that age.  But I keep thinking about how that conversation must have gone down in their house.  How painful it must have been for NeverTooLate to have that conversation and know that she was hiding a huge adoption secret from them.  What could have been a teachable moment was instead probably an uncomfortable one.

My sisters, my full biological sisters who do not know how adoption has already touched their family, might continue the cycle without realizing it.  They might adopt without knowing that they have a sister they lost through adoption.  Because they did lose.  Those two girls lost the older sister they could have grown up with.  They lost having a big sister to cheer them on when they accomplished things, like KungFuPanda's acceptance into college this week, or Sandlot's softball win last year.  They lost having someone with a similar personality hanging around the house.  KungFuPanda lost dating advice and Sandlot lost someone to share her favorite candy with (again, arguably better for her that way -- more candy for her!).  No matter what way you look at it, they lost something because of adoption.  Would they feel the same way about adopting if they knew that?

Would they see a child who is a blank slate, or would they be more likely to see the family behind the child who lost the ability to raise them?  Would they see the need for a child (not the old fashioned way) or would they see a child who had a need for a family?  Would they feel differently about the whole thing?  I'm guessing probably.

I hope they know about me before it gets to that point.  I hope I've had the opportunity to talk to them and to be a part of their lives by the time they start thinking of having children.  I hope that by getting to know me, and learning about the loss in their own lives, they may start to see that adoption is not black and white.  While I would support my sisters in anything, even if I didn't approve, I would hope they would understand that their family has suffered, and take that into consideration.  If they chose to adopt, I would hope it was because they truly needed to, rather than because they just didn't feel like having kids "the other way".

Out of My Rut

What an interesting week.  Last week, everything I touched turned to poop.  I was super stressed, and it seemed that everything I tried failed.  It didn't matter if it was professional, personal, whatever.  I wasn't in a good place.  I had a feeling the week wasn't going to be so great because I was expecting a crash after my birthday.  Whatever.

So I had a shitty week.  It happens.  And then things started to get better.  I cleaned.  I organized.  I took pictures.  I not only talked to one of my best friend's in Africa, but I got an email from the other.  I got an email from my first father after a month of silence on that front.  My email book was delivered over a week early.  I got to pick out new furniture for my room.  I got to put together a few nice gifts for people.  I got to hang out with my family who always makes me laugh.  I put together my mother's family tree and discovered a few interesting things.  And I felt like my life was a lot more organized.

It's amazing to me how things can go so badly one week, and bounce back so quickly.  I can feel so out of it and only a week later, I'm feel more like my old self.  I'm not there 100% (I did have a minor freak out the day KungFuPanda got into college and I couldn't share that moment with her) but I'm getting there.  I seriously hate this stupid month, but I've made a few decisions.  I'm asking about the whole letting me out of the closet thing.  I think that's part of the reason I've been having such a rough time lately.  I don't like things hanging over my head.  I want to know what's going on.  And if it hasn't been decided yet, then I'm letting my first father know that I want to know when it's been decided.  I don't like feeling like a spectator in my life.  I want to be a participant.

It's funny but by shifting my attitude and making a decision, my whole body feels better.  I feel like this giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I feel freer.  I'm taking my life back.  I want to be happy.  I want to feel peace.  I want to feel like my life is my own.

When I was cleaning, I found a card in an old wallet.  It's a card I used to carry around with me until I changed purses and it didn't make it over to the new purse.  It helped me to get out of my most recent rut.  I figured I'd share it here with you:

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

"You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,

"The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints,

is when I carried you."

~Mary Stevenson

So I hope that none of my readers are stuck in a rut.  But if you are, I have confidence that you'll pull yourself out.

Wish I Could Fast Forward

Fast Forward Please?

I can't help but feeling that things are changing once again.  There's been a lot of changes in my life lately, including today when I head over to my cousin's wedding, the first cousin to be married (on my adoptive mom's side anyway).  One change is that we got new furniture for our family room and kitchen so our whole living space looks different.  Another change is that my friends have jobs now so I see them less often.  And my adoptive sister has moved back home and is causing problems again.  Though the problems part isn't a change, her living back at home is.  My stress level has gone through the roof because I can't handle the toxic environment in that house.  Everyone hates each other.  I swear, it's so bad you could cut the tension with a knife.  I digress...

My reunion feels like it's changing.  There's talk of me potentially being let out of the closet a little bit.  I really don't want to get my hopes up.  A few months ago, I would have been absolutely thrilled at the idea of anyone finding out about me.  I would have been so thrilled to feel like I was moving forward in some way.  But right now, I can't imagine any other changes in my life.  What if my family, who for now doesn't know about me, doesn't want to meet me?  What if they are so hurt by the whole thing they don't want to deal with me?  Then because they know about me, it's really up to them when to get in touch with me.  So I have to have the idea of reunion floating over my head?

I don't want to sound whiny.  That's not my intention.  It's just that when I've entered into a reunion relationship with someone new (and so far it's only been two people), it's been all consuming.  It's all I can think about for days.  I write and rewrite emails.  I ponder over every message, every picture.  I wonder where things are going to go.  And I can't help but think about how things could end so badly.  It's stressful and amazing all at the same time.  On one hand I get to know my family, something that I've always wanted.  Missing puzzle pieces aren't so missing anymore.  And I am a new person now that I finally feel like I have a background I can be proud of.  But at the same time, I've got so much on my plate right now.  So so much.

All of these changes keep happening and I have no control over it.  I know that if I asked SinginInTheRain for some space, he'd back off ASAP.  I know he would.  I still might not be a secret, but I could request for some more time before starting to build any new relationships.  But we all know that I would never forgive myself if I did that.  And we all know that's not going to work for me.

So it looks like I'm going to have to get on board and deal with this now.  I'm going to have to organize my life in such a way that I can deal with a possible new reunion (or two) within the next month.  Who knows?  It could go wonderfully.  A lot of times I go back and reread my posts where I had a minor flip out and I can't help but laugh because I was worried over nothing.  I'm hoping that this turns out to be nothing.

At the same time, nothing is set in stone.  Plans could change.  Plans probably will change.  More likely, Thanksgiving break will come and go and it won't be any different.  I also don't think that I'd even be told if the possibility of telling is put off.  I think it would just be glossed over.  I'd have to ask, and how does one ask about that?  Can you imagine it?  "Hey um, so you mentioned before that I wasn't going to be a big secret anymore, just maybe a medium sized secret.  Um, yeah, so how's that going?"  Pretty sure if I have to ask, I'm going to do it just like that! ;-)

To end this post on a good note, my life could change for the better.  It really could.  I could end up with a new relationship that makes my life better.  It could be amazing.  It could be the start of something that will continue for the rest of my life.  A wonderful thing.  Maybe that's why I'm so scared.  Because right now I can dream of that.  Come this time next month, I may know if it's not going to come to pass.  Sigh.  Wish life has a fast forward button sometimes!

Roller Coaster Ride

Reunion can be a roller coaster ride.  There are times when things are fantastic, and other times when things aren't so great.  Want to read more?  Email me if you need the password for my private blog.  *Note: All the posts have the same password.

This post can be located here: http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/11/03/roller-coaster-ride/

ETA: Fixed the broken link!

Adoption Checklist

I like these posts... Here's one just about adoption.

Sometimes adoption is a roller-coaster I just want off of.  C'est la vie!

Oh the Drama!

Not about my first family, but a vent. Read here: http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/08/12/oh-the-drama/

A letter to my secret siblings - The Guardian

Except for the part about the grandmother and the sisters being adults, this letter is creepy it's so close to how I feel some days. My sisters are a bit younger though which makes it a little bit harder to come out of the adoption closet.

Letter to My Secret Siblings

Also, I came across this blog this morning.  For an non-adoptee, this is right on.  I believe everyone should have to read this.  Truly.

Adoption Sometimes Gets All Fucked Up 101

Different, Not Better

This post has been moved to http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/06/11/different-not-better/

My Sister Is Not Happy With Me...

So I told my adoptive family about finding my natural family.  And they all took it very well.  I didn't tell my grandmother because she's a special case.  I love her to death, but she's just not going to get it.  Honestly?  I don't want to deal with her drama.  I deserve better than trying to contain her.  So I told others instead and I'm just hoping news doesn't get back to her.  Or that if it does, they will do my job for me.  Is it the easy way out?  Yes.  I admit it.  I should face her and do the right thing and tell her myself.  It's a mistake in the making.  Will I call her tomorrow?  No.  My reason?  My sister.

My sister was OK with things when I talked to her.  We don't have the best relationship.  We used to fight all the time.  I went away to college, and that seemed to get better.  We started getting along really well.  We learned that we just don't do so well when we are in the same house.  Things were fantastic.  And then things changed.  She started dating a guy who was more important to her than her sister was.  All of a sudden I wasn't worth a phone call or an evening out with.  Whatever.  I can handle that.  But what I can't handle is her telling my intensely personal stuff to said boyfriend, who I don't know.  Before my parents knew about my discovery of NeverTooLate and SinginInTheRain, the boyfriend knew.  I was so hurt and I made a huge mistake.  I didn't tell her how hurt I was.  I felt betrayed, but I didn't speak up.  I figured that it wouldn't change anything and I was afraid that she would be mad at me for being upset.  So I kept my mouth shut. 

The summer was awful for me.  I needed my sister, but she didn't have time for me.  We grew further apart.  I was dealing with stuff with NeverTooLate and I had nobody in my family to turn too.  My adoptive mother didn't understand what I was going through and she always picked NeverTooLate's side.  It never seemed like she was on my side.  I couldn't talk to her.  My adoptive father was not a choice either because we don't have the best relationship to begin with.  I wouldn't have liked what he had to say so I didn't tell him what I was going through.  My boyfriend didn't get it.  He tried, and I love him for it, but he was up that good ol' creek without a paddle.  I needed my sister and she wasn't there.  I had to deal with it on my own and I started to really turn to my friends for the help in processing things that I needed.

Then the end of the summer rolled around and we got into a huge fight.  I was tired of being the only person who was making an effort.  That's what I was doing with NeverTooLate, and other people in my life, I felt like my sister should be making at least half of the effort with me, not no effort at all.  I blew up at her.  She didn't see it coming, and I was so upset that I left.  I realize now what that must have been like for her, a fellow adoptee.  This was a huge mistake too.  Our relationship hasn't been the same.  It's been tense, which isn't helped by my parents who keep trying to push us together and make us work it out.  It's something that is going to take a lot of time to heal.  We need time and space and I think both of us need to figure out our own stuff first.

I cut her out of my reunion story.  I didn't fill her in on any of it.  I didn't want her to know because I was afraid she would use that information against me.  I don't really trust her.  At the same time, I knew that I couldn't told my other relatives and not tell her.  So I called her last and told her what was going on.  I needed to work my way up to it.  Looking back on it, it may have been the wrong thing to do.  She's mad at me now because I didn't tell her sooner.  I got a scathing email a few weeks back from her.  I sent a response.  I told her that I was sorry for my mistakes but that she needed to take some responsibility for hers.  It takes two to tango.  She doesn't feel that way and doesn't feel the need to apologise.  She is totally in the clear here according to her.  It's all my fault and I'm "on my high horse" and "being a drama queen".  I've made mistakes, and I'm sorry for them, but I can't change them.  And you know what?  It wasn't all my fault.  I was the bigger person and apologized.  I did the best that I can do at this point.  I do feel bad for her.  She is so wrapped up in her own drama that she can't see how she's really hurting herself in the long run.

My sister has a very different adoption story than I do.  She could find her natural mother tomorrow if she wanted to and would be received in theory with open arms.  She knows this, or at least I think she knows this.  However, she isn't sure if she is ready for this.  I don't know if she will ever be ready.  Knowing my sister the way I do, I think she's very angry about being given up.  I think she's upset that her mother wasn't too young, had a job, and had already raised a child.  I think she's angry that her mother didn't give up smoking or drinking when she was pregnant because she was going to give the baby away anyway.  At least I would be pissed.  I think that my reunion triggered something in her and she didn't know how to deal.  I think that her solution was to push me away rather than allowing me to help her out.  It's so hard when two adoptees try to solve things on their own rather than helping each other out.  We are such a small group we should be helping each other, yet we don't always provide the right kind of support.  It's so hard.  I digress.  My sister has some serious issues out, but she's chosen me to be her scapegoat.  I'll probably be in this position for a while.  I don't really care at this point.  I've moved on with my life.  If she decides she's ready for a better relationship with me, then I'm here for her.  If not, I'm not holding my breath.

This whole thing has made me realize something though.  It made me realize that really, who I tell and when is all up to me.  I was so mad when she told me that she had a right to know about my reunion story.  I'm sorry, but that's no body's right.  I have a right to share when I see fit.  I have a right to blog about it if I want (she doesn't know about this blog as far as I know).  I have a right to not share with someone that I don't trust.  It's up to me.  I haven't always had control, but in this I do.  And I'm sorry if I've upset anyone, but really, it's not about my sister or my grandmother, or anyone else for that matter.  This is about me and how comfortable I feel.  So my grandmother is going to have to wait to hear about this from me.  I'm not ready.  I don't have to tell her and I am choosing not to.  If someone else does, well, that's out of my hands.  But I do have a say in who I tell.