Working For A Living

I'm pretty excited today.  I've been working really hard to pay off my school loans which were pretty high coming out of school.  Going to a private university really kicked my butt.  My high school was all about the college thing.  It was all about getting into a good school and moving on in education.  As I mentioned yesterday, we were told as eighth graders that if we weren't planning on college, we should find another high school.  Yes, this is a public school system.  They just wanted to be the best public school system.  They are one of the top 200 high schools in the country so something's working, but still.  It was a bit much.

Anyway, I went to college because that's what was expected of me. My parents hadn't gone and had no idea how things should go down, but they knew I was smart and pushed me to take advantage of it.  They wanted me to go further in life (in terms of careers) than they did.  They didn't want me to work from pay check to pay check like they had done for a long time.  They let me pick any school I wanted, which was a nice private school that I was steered to by my high school.  Nobody tells you that tuition goes up but the scholarships don't.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I went to the college I did.  I met Rudy there.  I made some fantastic friends.  I have memories that I'll have forever of my fun days on [Insert College Here]'s campus.  But I'm in a deep hole of debt that I have to climb out of.  Joy.  I probably should have thought that one through, especially when I got an amazing scholarship to the University of Massachusetts.  I could have gone tuition free.  I turned that down for this crazy debt.  Oh well, can't change it now!

I'm living at home with my parents in part to help take care of my mom, and in part to put the money I would be spending on rent towards my loans.  It's not a great situation, but I'm finding a way to make it work (running helps - a lot).  I've been putting a lot away towards my loans.  Initially I figured that I could live like a pauper for two years and come out debt free.  Literally, I'd never eat or I'd bum food off my parents to make this one work.  I realized pretty quickly that wasn't a good way to live.  So then I decided that maybe I'd do it in three years and include a food budget.  But then I realized I'd be living a shell of a life.  So now I'm living my life as I see fit (and taking vacations when I want them) and paying off the loans as I can.  Because I don't have a lot of expenses, I'm able to put a lot of my paycheck towards my loans without feeling the belt tightening.  It's nice.  Thank goodness some good comes out of living at home!

My goal is to pay half my loans off by the end of the year.  At the end of the year, I'll be moving out and will no longer have all that extra income to go towards loans rather than rent.  I figure half is a good number.  The reason I'm really excited?  I hit the half way point to that goal this week.  I've been putting money towards some of my loans every two weeks when I get my paycheck and it seems like it's finally paid off.  Slow and steady wins the race.  And tax refunds.  Those help too.

I'm a quarter of the way there with my school loans.  While it doesn't seem like a lot, it's a pretty significant amount of money so I'm celebrating.  I'm going to treat myself to some candy today to celebrate.  I deserve it :-)  Reese's Peanut Butter Cups anyone?

Another Letter

Dear KungFuPanda,

First of all, congratulations!  I'm so excited that you've been accepted into college and that you received a scholarship!  It's an amazing accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself.  I've heard it all through the grapevine and there's nothing I want more than to share in this joy with you.  But since I cannot, I'm writing you a letter on a public blog instead.

I have some sisterly advice for you when it comes to college.  Take what you can from it and throw out the rest.  Which oddly how you should take all advice...  Back to the point!

College is different than high school.  You're parents aren't going to be around.  You're truly on your own.  You have your friends, but you probably won't know many people at first.  It's scary to face a room full of people and to not know anyone.  But remember that they are scared too.  They don't know anyone either.  So be open.  Be friendly.  And you'll find your friends.  Sometimes all it takes is a smile and a kind word.  You'll quickly find that your friends become your family in college.  Be good to them and they'll be good to you.

You're going to have a lot of time on your hands.  More time than you've ever had before.  You no longer are sitting in a classroom from eight until two every day.  You probably only have about fifteen hours of class a week.  Use that extra time wisely.  I don't mean lock yourself up in the library either.  Sometimes the best things that you can learn in college are discovered by getting out there and meeting new people.  Join a club you never would have considered in high school.  Attend a religious ceremony for a religion you know nothing about (try to find a friend to go with though so they can explain it to you).  Volunteer.  Play video games with the kid down the hall.  Learn about life.  Study so you do well in your classes.

Now for the not so much fun stuff.  Be careful.  Be safe.  Not everybody you meet is going to be a good person.  So you're going to need to exercise some judgement and have some common sense.  If you go out with your girlfriends, come home with your girlfriends.  Keep your cell phone with you at all times and make sure you charge it before you go out.  Always have an emergency $20 for a cab in case you need it.  Learn your school's safety system and put the number for the college police in your cell phone.  You've probably been told this a million times, but it's worth being said again.  Watch your drink.  Watch it while the bartender is pouring it.  If you put it down and walk away, get a new drink.  Know your limits and stick to them.  Water in a red solo cup is a great way to stop people from bugging you to drink more.  It's better to be prepared and not need it than to be unprepared and get yourself accidentally in trouble.  You're smart.  I know you have the tools to keep yourself safe.

You're a bright girl.  You're going to go far.  It may seem scary at first and out of reach, but I know that you can accomplish anything you set your mind too.  And trust me, these next four years are going to fly by.  You'll look back someday and wonder where your college years went.  So live in the moment.  Have fun!  You've got a big sister out there somewhere who's silently supporting and praying for you.  You can do this kid!

Your big sister,

Found: First Thoughts

I recently finished reading Jennifer Lauck's Found for the book tour.  I'm going to save a lot about this for the book tour post, which will be coming in January.  But there are a few things that I wanted to say first.

For starters, I couldn't make it through the first chapter without crying.  Yes, I went there.  I had to put the book down and I'll admit to not picking it up again for several weeks.  It was amazing to read, but so hard to get through because I haven't met my first mother and understood exactly what Ms. Lauck was talking about in terms of a lack of connection.

Then all the drama happened with my first father.  And as far as I was concerned, my reunion was over.  I was devastated.  I considered dropping out of the book tour.  It was too hard.  It was too much.  But something made me stop from sending that email and waiting a few days.  I had training at work the next week and due to the location of the training, I was on my own for lunch.  So I threw Found in my bag and figured if I had time, I'd do some reading and give it a try.  If it didn't work out, it didn't work out.

I spent the next few days with my nose buried in those pages during my lunch breaks and after work.  I read the book in three days in my spare time.  I had to put it down a few times and walk away, but I couldn't stay away.  There were several parts where I swear it was like Ms. Lauck was in my head and had read my innermost thoughts.  I understood so much of this book because I felt some of those same emotions.

I had it easy compared to Ms. Lauck, but the basic feelings of abandonment, the need to know the past, and the feeling of constantly searching for something more are things that I fight with everyday.  I belong to a forum of mostly adult adoptees (though we do have several other members of the so called triad on there, as well as a few others).  I love that forum for the same reason that I loved this book.  The act of hearing other stories and thoughts of others who are adopted makes me feel less alone.  We're all in this together in a way.  We support each other, get each other through.  By reading books like Found and others, we realize that we aren't alone.  We aren't fighting this battle alone.  There are others fighting it with us.

No two adoptees feel the same way about adoption.  And we all have different stories.  We have different experiences.  But sometimes, we find someone who we can relate to.  I can't wait for January now!

Organizing My Life

Tree from a few years back

Happy December!  Thank goodness we've gotten through November - Adoption Bewareness Month.  I've been busy getting organized and figuring out my life.  It's not easy, but I'm working at it pretty hard.  I used to be super organized and I lost track of it somehow.  So I'm trying to get it back, get back into the swing of things, and get productive again.  I was on a good streak a few weeks ago (Yoga everyday, getting stuff done after work) but then stuff happened and I lost track of things again.  Now I'm realizing that I have to force myself into it.  So I'm back to making lists and figuring stuff out.

I've been meaning to figure out my loan situation for a while now.  I've been getting stuff in the mail (I go into repayment mode next month as it's officially December now!) but it all comes in separately.  I have three different companies for loans (but only two websites to visit - one has two tabs which made me feel stupid when I couldn't find two of my loans).  With the whole apartment thing, I figured that I should really see what I can afford and what I can't.  And I discovered a few things.

First of all, because I've been sending in checks and big chunks of change every time I start to build up some savings, I've whittled down some of my loans already (saving everything last year helped too).  I discovered that I've already paid a very large sum and when I did the math (I'm a math geek) I have already managed to pay 27% of my loans off.  That's almost a third.  Almost.  Considering my loans are huge I'm pretty excited about the whole thing.  So that made me feel better.

I figured out that if I stay at home, I can pay my loans off in two years if I put all my extra money towards them.  Obviously, this is the most ideal situation.  If I have to get an apartment, I can pay them off in three.  So it's a difference of about a year.  This is assuming I don't get a raise (and I've been told I can expect one come the spring) and that I don't pick up an extra job (which is always an option for the weekends) and that there aren't any major financial issues that come up (which could always happen).

I'm going to stay home for now.  I have a few other options to make my life better.  I'm going to start staying with my grandmother on the weekends.  Had I gotten a job in Boston I would have moved in with her during the week to save on gas and the commute, plus she's lonely and 80 and could use some company.  So it's a good solution.  I'm also going to start pointing out when my father is treating me like crap.  I've been biting my tongue, but I think that if it's said out loud, he'll start to see that he's not being respectful or kind to me.  It probably won't work, but I need to try.  And I have places I can go for the night if things get really bad.  It's not ideal, but it will work for now until I can better figure out my situation and see how things go with Rudy.  If he transfers his job, I need to make sure that I'm not stuck in a lease.  If he doesn't, then I have more freedom.

On top of that, I did out my Christmas list and started shopping hardcore.  I have most of my gifts taken care of at this point.  I have a few more things to pick up, but I'm pretty sure I can get it all finished this weekend.  That only leaves wrapping.  Plus I was able to pick up a bunch of stuff for my mom too, so she'll be able to get all of her stuff wrapped next week so by the time Christmas rolls around, she won't stress.  We have a saying in my house.  My mother goes crazy two times a year.  Self-evaluation time for work (which isn't an issue anymore) and Christmas (which I'm trying to make as stress free as possible).  So we'll see how that goes.

I've got a lot going on right now, but I'm processing and dealing with things.  I cleaned my room last night, did a bunch of laundry, and organized my space.  That makes me feel better.  I have a few more things that I need to do, but overall I'm pretty happy with things right now.  I hope it stays that way.

The B Word

Scarlet B

When I started to "get in touch" with my adoptee issues, it dawned on me that insults I'd been hearing my whole life (never aimed at me) actually were a slur against me and others who were not born to married parents.  I never considered myself to be illegitimate or a bastard because I never really took the time to think about what those words meant.  I never took the time to realize that those words are not just insults that are thrown around, they imply things about the person, mainly, that their parents were not married and that's a bad thing.  While I can understand that our society thinks all people should be married before having children, our world is not like that today.  Children are born out of wedlock.  Men marry men, women marry women.  There are single mothers, and single fathers.  It happens.  It's something that I learned in school.  There are many ways to have a family and not all families look alike.  So if that's the message we are trying to teach, then why does society hold on to insults like "bastard"?

I've become more aware of this slur ever since I started to hear other adoptees claim the world as their own.  It wasn't until then that I really started to think about how it applied to me and how before I could "take it back" and claim it as my own, I needed to understand what it meant and why I even had the right to claim it.  I started hearing it everywhere.  My family has used it.  My friends have used it.  Rudy even used it.  And it's on TV as one of the worst insults you can hurl at people.  It keeps cropping up.

I've always tried to be careful about what words I use.  Words can hurt.  And you never know who around you could be offended.  I have a cousin who was a bit behind in development when he was a baby.  He's fine now, all caught up, but there was a time when we weren't sure if was a bigger problem.  All of a sudden, "retard" and "retarded" as slurs started to jump out at me.  I started calling my friends on it and asked them not to use that language.  They didn’t get it (they were mostly boys).  I finally flipped out on them after one trying day and told them that my cousins could possibly be "retarded" and it was disrespectful to him, to my family, and therefore to me to make light of the challenges he might face.  They were surprised because they didn't think anyone around them had a connection.  Yet I did.  Rudy did.

I've started calling people out on the word "bastard".  When I hear that word used as a slur, I just say "ouch".  If it's someone that knows about my adoption connection, they immediately apologize because they, like me a year ago, don't understand what the word means and what it implies.  It's just something they picked up from society like "jerk" and "asshole".  If they don't know about my adoption connection, I simply state that my parents were not married when I was born, so therefore I could be considered a bastard and that language is offensive to me.  I haven't run into anyone who hasn’t apologized yet.  I'm sure that day will come though because there are some nasty people out there.

My point is, words can hurt.  I'm not perfect.  I slip up from time to time.  I say things that come out wrong, I do and say things that hurt others, and it's not something that I'm proud of.  I'm working on it.  I consider myself in general to be a work in progress.  My progress today is to educate that words matter.  So think twice please before you use the B word.  You never know who's standing behind you...

Oh and...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!!!

Education and Responsibility

I've been thinking about responsibility lately.  It came up on another blog.  I'm not going to link because I don't want to stir up drama and send traffic that way, but it was an interesting situation and it's really got me thinking.

Basically, a first mother is talking to an adult adoptee who has not searched.  She explains how things were for her and apparently it comes across that she loves her child (who she has now reunited with) and has some sort of mother/child relationship.  It was very vague in this blog post and I wasn't able to find the post it was referring to.  I realize I'm doing the same to my readers, so please forgive me.

Anyway, what followed were comments that the first mother should not have told the adult adoptee her story without telling him that not all mothers feel the same way she does.  It was her responsibility to educate the adoptee about all first mother issues.  Another point was made that there isn't just one story.

I agree, there isn't just one story out there.  There are a lot of stories.  There are a lot of different ways of looking at things.  Even among adoptees, there is a spectrum.  Some of us are happy we are adopted, some of us aren't.  There isn't a right or wrong answer.  It is what it is.  I would guess it's the same for adoptive parents and first mothers.  I'm sure there are first mothers who wish they had never places (I've read some of their blogs) and there are first mothers who are happy they have placed (I've read those blogs too, just less frequently because they are a bit too triggering for me).  I'm sure there are adoptive parents who are thrilled they adopted (I like to think mine are some of them) while I know there are others who aren't (though they don't talk about it as often, I do have adoptee friends who have parents like this).  We all have different perspectives and different experiences.  It is up to us to share that or not.

What I do not agree with it the need for each person to put a disclaimer on everything that they say.  I'm sorry, but if someone asks me about my reunion, I'm going to tell them my truth.  I will not explain to whoever that "While some adoptees like me were happy they searched, there are others out there who don't want to search and never will".  That's not my story.  I will not speak for those adoptees.  I would assume that whoever asks me for my story understands that I'm not speaking for everyone.  That's why I use language like "me" and "I", not "we", "all", and "defiantly".  I learned that lesson in school.  Never use absolutes (I just giggled).  If you ask to hear my story and I tell you, and you take it to be the whole truth, well, then that's on you.  As a person you need to educate yourself.

Along those lines, when I was thinking about searching, I did a lot of research.  I didn't just listen to one story of an adoptee who searched, found, and was happy, I listened to a number of stories of people from all sides of the spectrum.  I read a lot of books, read a lot of blogs, and learned before I searched that everyone feels differently.  I knew it was like throwing darts while blindfolded and praying to hit the target.  If I didn't, that was my own fault.

I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to educate on the entire issue while telling their story.  That first mother's story was her truth.  She shouldn't speak for anyone else.  She can tell the adoptee if she wants, "That's just my story however" but I don't think it's mandatory.  I certainly don't tell people "Not all adoptees want to search" because I don't personally feel like I should speak for anyone else.  I will tell people if I think they are looking for a more general answer that no two stories are the same, and to take it with a grain of salt.  But that's when I have my education hat on.  My education hat is never on when I tell my personal story.  I don't think it has a place there.

Telling of my story is just that.  MY STORY.  Nobody else's.  And it's not my responsibility to disclaimer that. As I mentioned in the comments:

My dog Roxy!

"I don't know about this... If I have a dog and I love my dog and I'm telling someone else about my dog, do I have to tell them that not everyone else feels the same way about dogs so they don't go out and buy one based on my experience?

Everything I say to another person is from my own perspective. I perceive the world in my own way, and nobody else will perceive things the exact same way. I don't put a disclaimer in every conversation I have because that's just not practical. I can see a mother talking about her experience. It's not her responsibility to education about all adoption issues.

While I 100% agree that you have to consider all different sides, and making generalizations is BAD, I'd would say that it's up to the adoptee to figure out the other side of it, not the first mother.

That's just my take on it. I think that a person should be able to share their own experiences without putting a disclaimer on them. It's a casual conversation after all (or at least that's what I'm assuming).

Though I guess it would matter if she told him that ALL first mothers feel this way. That would be a different situation. But if she's merely saying I feel this way, then no disclaimer needed."

The response I got back to this was that I was right except when it came to adoption.  Especially when talking to an adoptee.  It just seems to me like that's labeling us again as different.  We are different, but do we really need to be treated like people who can't reason on their own?

I don't want to stir up drama, but I was really upset about this.  I just don't think it's right for an adoptee (the blog author) to tell a first mother that it's on her to educate all adoptees.  It's like saying we aren't smart enough to figure things out for ourselves.  That was my take on it anyway.  It almost seemed like this adoptee was urging mothers to tell their stories only if it was negative so that the adoptee won't search.  Should people only be able to influence negatively?  I know when I was thinking about searching, I wanted to hear about a variety of view points, not just one.  Sometimes we have to take a step back from our agendas (even if that's blogging about adoption from a "pro" position) and realize that you can't have it one way or another.  This first mother was telling her truth.  The adoptees mother might feel the same way.  She might not.  He should get to hear both sides of the story before deciding to search or not.  And I doubt one first mother is going to sway him one way or another.  I doubt that one story is going to make him rush into a reunion and he will look back later in life and blame all of his problems on this first mother.  If he does, well then there's just something not quite right there.

Where do you think the responsibility lies?