Future Worth Fighting For

It's taken me a few days to write about it, but this weekend was really really hard.  A person that I'm very close to decided that life wasn't worth living anymore.  I saw him mere hours before he tried to end it all.  He's still alive thanks to some quick thinking by a relative and a responsive paramedic team.  We have to wait and see how this all plays out over the next few days.  If you're a praying type of person, his family could really use the prayers.

I'm struggling to comprehend how it got to that point.  I knew things weren't going so well for him, but lately it seemed like things were going a lot better.  I saw him that day.  I can't get it out of my head.  I knew that something was wrong.  I knew it wasn't right, and I left.  I didn't want to embarrass him and I knew that his wife and children were home.

I've been trying to accept that there was nothing that I could have done.  I gave him a hug.  I told him I loved him.  And I left.  There was no way to know what he was going to do.  And he wasn't alone.  It was in no way my fault, but I still replay those moments over and over again.  I wasn't paying attention the way that I normally do.  I realized later that it wouldn't have made a difference even if I had.

It's made me realize how lucky I am.  Life isn't always easy, but I have hope for the future.  I can think of about ten things that he has to look forward to, but clearly he couldn't in that moment.  That's a sad thing.  I'm hoping that in time he comes to see how much he does have to look forward to, and that he fights for it.  I'm so thankful to have a future worth fighting for.

Here's a list as a reminder to myself of all the things that I have to look forward to:

1. Meeting my first family: With each new person I meet, there's so many new possibilities.  I'm sure that I won't get along with some, some relationships just won't pan out, and it's all going to be hard.  However, there's a good chance that some of those new relationships might work out.  And with each new connection, I learn more about myself and the person that I want to be.
2. Maintaining good friendship: I have a lot of friends out there.  I think of all the fun times that we've had, and I think about all the things we're going to do in the future.  I can't wait to share more nights that we'll never forever.
3. Restoring rights to adoptees: We're getting there.  With each state that opens records, we're getting closer.  No matter how small, I'm doing my part, including traveling to Chicago this summer.  I tell myself that blogging my story helps too, in the sense that maybe it's helping dismiss some of the stereotypes.  Maybe it does.  Anyway, this is something that I can continue to fight for and a legacy to leave behind for other adoptees.
4. All those question marks:  I don't know where my life is going to take me.  Who knows?  I'd like to end up in a nice house with a few kids, and live out my dreams.  I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm excited to have the future wide open ahead of me.  I can't wait to find out!

I'm going to try to live my life the way that it should be lived.  I'm going to fight for all my new beginnings and wonderful stories.  I believe in angels and I know that I have a few watching over me.  I don't want to give them a bad show...

I'm Really Going To Meet Her...

It's been a week and I'm still processing that I'm going to meet my first mother.  I always knew that someday I'd meet her, even if it meant that I'd have to show up on her doorstep.  However, this isn't a theory anymore.  This is actually happening.  Like we're going to see each other face to face for the first time.  Ever.  Because she didn't see me when I was a baby.  Wow.  Deep breath.

She wants to bring my first father.  I have mixed feelings for several reasons.  For starters, I've always kept my relationship with her and my relationship with him as separate as I could.  They are two individuals and so I've done my best to treat them that way.  NeverTooLate has come up in conversations with SinginInTheRain, and he's been mentioned in the emails that I sometimes exchange with her.  It's sort of an awkward position to be in but then again the whole situation is awkward so that's nothing new.  Meeting her with him there... well that's going to merge the two.  All three of us are going to share the same experience.  Before the other was merely mentioned, the third did not participate.  This is uncharted territory for all three of us.

My next concern is that I'm still angry with my first father from last December.  I haven't spoken to him since then, though we have emailed a bunch of times since then.  I'll admit to listening to an old voice mail from time to time when I have a hard day.  I'm working so hard on forgiving him, but I know that I'll never really be able to trust him again.  It's so hard for me at times because he really did hurt me, more than I think he realizes.  It's going to be hard for me to see him.  It's going to be hard to put a smile on my face and pretend that I'm happy he's there.  However, I'm scared of what happens if I can't pull it off.  I don't want to give my first parents any reason not to tell my sisters about me.  I'm really hoping that this is going to help speed things up a bit in that regard and I don't want them to think that I hate him.  I don't hate him.  I'm hugely disappointed and hurt.  That makes me angry.  However, I still don't hate him, though I could see people being confused by that.  I'm starting to wonder if I should talk to him on the phone beforehand...  We'll see.

Finally, I'm nervous about the two of them being there to my one person.  As my first father told me several times, if it comes down to me or her, he picks her.  Which I understand.  She's his wife and partner in life.  He's known her forever.  I've dealt with this with my adoptive parents too.  If it was between me and my adoptive mother, my adoptive father would pick my adoptive mother every time.  It's not always the nicest feeling, but it's the truth and I've learned to accept it.  I know that meeting my first mother is going to be emotional for me.  I had a hard time meeting my first father, so I'm expecting it to be a million times harder.  We have so much more history between us and we haven't spoken on the phone.  It will be the first time I will hear her voice since the day I was born.  It's going to be hard and overwhelming.  There's no getting around that.  I have no idea how I'm going to react.  I'm sure this is going to be very hard for her as well.  Only she's going to have him there with her.  She's going to have her life's partner there to hold her hand.  I can't go alone into that situation.

I've asked Rudy to come with me.  For starters, he's been with me through this whole process.  He read my first letter before I sent it.  He held me when I cried when she told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore.  He smiled and laughed with me when I told him that my first father wanted to meet me.  He's spent hours on the phone with me listening to the latest news.  He got angry for me when my first father threw me under the bus.  He was angrier than I was at the time and he helped me to see that the decision my first father made had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with him.  Rudy is my life's partner and my support.  If that isn't enough of a reason, he isn't connected to my adoption the same way that my adoptive family is and therefore won't bring those emotions into the meeting.  His concern with this meeting is because it's so important to me, his girlfriend of five and a half years.  Plus, with him there, I have someone who can distract them if I need a minute to collect myself, and I have someone there who can take a picture!

We're still working out details.  My first parents are on the same page with this and I've already gotten an email from my first father going over a few things.  I didn't think she'd let me know so fast so I assumed that by the time she figured it out we'd be past Rudy's busy season.  He's busy until the end of March and I really need him there with me.  I know I met SinginInTheRain alone, and that was the best choice at the time.  This time is different and I simply need someone else there.  I'm going to make this work.  And I'm not driving.  I'm making Rudy drive.  I'm not letting my nightmare come true!  So right now, I'm waiting for my first parents to give me a date (after Rudy's busy season) and hopefully I'll know within the next few days!  Wish me luck!

Goals For 2012

Happy New Year Everyone!

In honor of the New Year, I'm going to post some goals for 2012.  I never seem to do well with resolutions, so instead I'm going to post goals for the year and see how many of them I can make come true!  I know it's going to be a great year.  For starters, my favorite number is 12, so bring it on 20-12!  So here are my goals in no particular order.

1. Read at least one book a month
2. Take my cousins to the movies just because
3. Do yoga at least three times a week
4. Comment on each blog that I follow at least once a month
5. Meet my first mother
6. Clean out my closet, including the back shelves
7. Go on an amazing vacation
8. Learn to cook three dinner dishes really well
9. Learn two new skills
10. Post several book reviews on the blog
11. Relax more
12. Be more creative with my photography
13. Visit a new place I've never been to
14. Meet new people and make new friends
15. Go out on the town one night I feel like staying in
16. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
17. Pay off at least half of my loans
18. Get an apartment
19. Learn the names of the people who sit around me at work
20. Live life to the fullest

I'm going to do my hardest to work at all of these goals.  Some are a lot easier than others!  I've read four books this month, so I'm not worried about that goal.  Other things I can easily get done once and cross them off the list.  Other things are going to take some persistence (like commenting on blogs and doing yoga).  Others are more of a mindset, like learning to relax and living life to the fullest.  However, I believe in myself so I'm going to give it my all!

So here's to 2012!  May you best the best year ever!

Another Letter

Dear KungFuPanda,

First of all, congratulations!  I'm so excited that you've been accepted into college and that you received a scholarship!  It's an amazing accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself.  I've heard it all through the grapevine and there's nothing I want more than to share in this joy with you.  But since I cannot, I'm writing you a letter on a public blog instead.

I have some sisterly advice for you when it comes to college.  Take what you can from it and throw out the rest.  Which oddly how you should take all advice...  Back to the point!

College is different than high school.  You're parents aren't going to be around.  You're truly on your own.  You have your friends, but you probably won't know many people at first.  It's scary to face a room full of people and to not know anyone.  But remember that they are scared too.  They don't know anyone either.  So be open.  Be friendly.  And you'll find your friends.  Sometimes all it takes is a smile and a kind word.  You'll quickly find that your friends become your family in college.  Be good to them and they'll be good to you.

You're going to have a lot of time on your hands.  More time than you've ever had before.  You no longer are sitting in a classroom from eight until two every day.  You probably only have about fifteen hours of class a week.  Use that extra time wisely.  I don't mean lock yourself up in the library either.  Sometimes the best things that you can learn in college are discovered by getting out there and meeting new people.  Join a club you never would have considered in high school.  Attend a religious ceremony for a religion you know nothing about (try to find a friend to go with though so they can explain it to you).  Volunteer.  Play video games with the kid down the hall.  Learn about life.  Study so you do well in your classes.

Now for the not so much fun stuff.  Be careful.  Be safe.  Not everybody you meet is going to be a good person.  So you're going to need to exercise some judgement and have some common sense.  If you go out with your girlfriends, come home with your girlfriends.  Keep your cell phone with you at all times and make sure you charge it before you go out.  Always have an emergency $20 for a cab in case you need it.  Learn your school's safety system and put the number for the college police in your cell phone.  You've probably been told this a million times, but it's worth being said again.  Watch your drink.  Watch it while the bartender is pouring it.  If you put it down and walk away, get a new drink.  Know your limits and stick to them.  Water in a red solo cup is a great way to stop people from bugging you to drink more.  It's better to be prepared and not need it than to be unprepared and get yourself accidentally in trouble.  You're smart.  I know you have the tools to keep yourself safe.

You're a bright girl.  You're going to go far.  It may seem scary at first and out of reach, but I know that you can accomplish anything you set your mind too.  And trust me, these next four years are going to fly by.  You'll look back someday and wonder where your college years went.  So live in the moment.  Have fun!  You've got a big sister out there somewhere who's silently supporting and praying for you.  You can do this kid!

Your big sister,

Disney Planning

Things have been a little bit hectic this past year.  There were a lot of changes in my life, a lot of challenges I never thought I'd have to face, and a lot of hurdles that I'm still trying to get past.  Life threw up some serious road blocks!  Some of those challenges are ongoing, but I find that the best way to deal with a dark time is to plan for the future.  So planning for the future I'm going to do!

When I was five, my family took a vacation to Disney World.  I was in my element!  As a Cinderella OBSESSED little girl, seeing the castle, just like it looked in the movie, was a dream come true.  I hate the movie Dumbo, but I loved the ride.  I had seen so many TV shows with the Dumbo ride, my friends had all been on it, and I just had to ride it.  So that was another dream come true after waiting for over an hour in line. It was a magical vacation, for me anyway.  However, we went during April Vacation week and the park was packed!  Plus our travel group consisted of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  And traveling with fourteen people isn't the most relaxing way to have a vacation.  Thus, at the end of the trip the Grinch declared he was never going back.  We begged.  We pleaded.  It didn't matter; we never went back.

Rudy and I decided that we are going to go away on vacation this spring.  In the past we've gone away to a tropical island (my idea of a fantastic vacation) but Rudy asked to do something a bit more exciting this year.  He's been all over the country and seen almost everything there is to see while I've barely left New England.  We tossed around a few ideas and when I tentatively suggested maybe Disney would be fun, Rudy was so excited we realized we had to go.  Why was Rudy, the person who's been there a large number of times, so excited to go?  Because he knew that I'm essentially like a first-timer.  I don't remember anything other than the Dumbo ride and "It's a Small World".  So going with me is like seeing the magic again for the first time.  I.  Can't.  Wait.

So I'm planning our vacation now.  I've been told to plan six months in advance, so I'm going to do my best to plan it all out now.  I have the time, so I'm looking into the best deals, figuring out where to stay, and trying to get a good price on flights.  I've been doing research into what week to go, and where to stay.  Rudy had one place to cross off the list.  He's stayed at that hotel three times.  The first time, his brother got the flu for the whole week (the flu while at Disney?  What a nightmare!).  The second time Rudy broke his hand (his brother was involved that time too... hmmm).  And the third time, after being there for one day they got the call that Rudy's grandfather had died and they had to fly home.

We also made a list of all the things that we really wanted to do.  We can't do all the parks in one week, so we're going to have to spend our time wisely.  Because I've never done a lot of the rides (five was too young for thrilling rides) I made a list and Rudy and I broke them down into parks.  Plus we both really want to do the Harry Potter theme park (that's a first for both of us!).  I'm so excited!

I feel like a little kid again!  Wish me luck in my planning adventures!

Dream Turned Nightmare

My Poor Car
Side Note: I wish my car was purple!

I had a dream the other night.  An adoption dream.  I have them from time to time when I'm super stressed out about things or when I have a lot on my mind.  I had one before the adoption protest where I showed up and was made to park on the street, and then nobody showed up.  Classic adoptee dream or so I've been told.  Feeling adopted much?

So anyway, this dream was different.  I had emailed my first mother and invited her to come with SinginInTheRain to meet up with me on my birthday.  She decided to come!  But rather than coming to me, we met where they live.  In my dream, this place was horrible!  Crime ridden, grey, ugly.  I know it's not really like that, but I think I was making it so horrible in my head because I'm afraid of it.  Go figure.  The best way to describe it is that it was like Gotham in a Bat.man movie.  You know, when it looks like the apocalypse is happening because everything is grey and there's steam coming off the streets and trash everywhere.  Welcome to my dream!

So anyway, I valet my car at the movie theater.  I didn't know where I was going so I figured I'd just valet it.  By the way, the movie theater was up high and I had to drive around these big circular ramps just to get to the valet.  I handed my keys over, and waited, looking down the stairs wondering what would happen.  Then my first father and first mother slowly walked up and came over to me.  My first father gave me a hug and my first mother hung back a little bit.  She looked just like her picture and she was smiling, a big huge grin because she was happy to see me.  I was so thrilled to see the smile!  I ran up to her and gave her a hug.  She hugged me back and then we just started to stare at each other.  So awkward but it didn't matter.  My first father suggested that we go into the movie theater but I remembered that I forgot my jacket in my car. I felt like I needed a breather too.  So I told them I'd just run to the car and get my jacket and I'd be right back.  They said that was fine and went into the theater together.

I had to run down the ramps (which was like running in a circle) all the way to the basement floor where my car was parked.  The valet people tell me that I never valeted my car.  I told them I did and showed them the slip.  They kept saying, nope, didn't happen!  So I ran through the garage and sure enough there was my car.  Then when I pointed it out to the valet people, they told me it wasn't my car, it was their car.  It was being sold!  I was told that I had to prove that it was my car because according to them it was theirs.  I reached into my pocket and pulled out the receipt for the car (which apparently I had been carrying around for five years... lol!).  They were upset because nobody can ever prove it before the car is sold.  So now I have proven that it's my car and I'm telling a nice policeman about my story.  But at the same time, my first parents are in the theater waiting for me.  But I can't leave to see them because I'm stuck filing a police report in the middle of a parking garage.

In the end, I missed my whole visit.  I woke up disappointed because in my dream, my first mother had finally changed her mind about me and wanted to spend time with me and get to know me.  I was also disappointed because she felt so real in my dream.  So incredibly real that I woke up remembering how it felt in my dream to give her a hug.

NeverTooLate told me that she hopes all my dreams come true when she said her goodbye.  Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I hope that someday part of this dream comes true.  Not the whole car part, but the meeting her part.  It's a huge wish and dream of mine and it always has been.  I'm just so thrilled that I actually can put a face to a name now, even if only through pictures.

Two days left...