Future Worth Fighting For

It's taken me a few days to write about it, but this weekend was really really hard.  A person that I'm very close to decided that life wasn't worth living anymore.  I saw him mere hours before he tried to end it all.  He's still alive thanks to some quick thinking by a relative and a responsive paramedic team.  We have to wait and see how this all plays out over the next few days.  If you're a praying type of person, his family could really use the prayers.

I'm struggling to comprehend how it got to that point.  I knew things weren't going so well for him, but lately it seemed like things were going a lot better.  I saw him that day.  I can't get it out of my head.  I knew that something was wrong.  I knew it wasn't right, and I left.  I didn't want to embarrass him and I knew that his wife and children were home.

I've been trying to accept that there was nothing that I could have done.  I gave him a hug.  I told him I loved him.  And I left.  There was no way to know what he was going to do.  And he wasn't alone.  It was in no way my fault, but I still replay those moments over and over again.  I wasn't paying attention the way that I normally do.  I realized later that it wouldn't have made a difference even if I had.

It's made me realize how lucky I am.  Life isn't always easy, but I have hope for the future.  I can think of about ten things that he has to look forward to, but clearly he couldn't in that moment.  That's a sad thing.  I'm hoping that in time he comes to see how much he does have to look forward to, and that he fights for it.  I'm so thankful to have a future worth fighting for.

Here's a list as a reminder to myself of all the things that I have to look forward to:

1. Meeting my first family: With each new person I meet, there's so many new possibilities.  I'm sure that I won't get along with some, some relationships just won't pan out, and it's all going to be hard.  However, there's a good chance that some of those new relationships might work out.  And with each new connection, I learn more about myself and the person that I want to be.
2. Maintaining good friendship: I have a lot of friends out there.  I think of all the fun times that we've had, and I think about all the things we're going to do in the future.  I can't wait to share more nights that we'll never forever.
3. Restoring rights to adoptees: We're getting there.  With each state that opens records, we're getting closer.  No matter how small, I'm doing my part, including traveling to Chicago this summer.  I tell myself that blogging my story helps too, in the sense that maybe it's helping dismiss some of the stereotypes.  Maybe it does.  Anyway, this is something that I can continue to fight for and a legacy to leave behind for other adoptees.
4. All those question marks:  I don't know where my life is going to take me.  Who knows?  I'd like to end up in a nice house with a few kids, and live out my dreams.  I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm excited to have the future wide open ahead of me.  I can't wait to find out!

I'm going to try to live my life the way that it should be lived.  I'm going to fight for all my new beginnings and wonderful stories.  I believe in angels and I know that I have a few watching over me.  I don't want to give them a bad show...

Blog Drama

Rainbow after a Storm

It's taken me a while to write this post.  I take time to process things and loads has been going on the past few weeks in my life which gives me less time to think things through.  Thank God I have this blog or I'd be nuts!  When things are going well and I have time, I tend to write out a bunch of easy blog posts that I keep on stand-bye for the crazy times.  It helped a lot when my mom got sick.  I don't write them out a month in advanced, but sometimes I'll write a post and hold onto it for a week or two until I need a break from blogging for a few days.  It helps to keep me sane but allows for me to still post everyday.  I ran out of those posts after the craziness that has hit my life over the past month or so.  So if I need a break now, I have to write fluff.  Which usually means I pull something out of my butt.

Last week, I was loosing my mind and I needed to write a post for the next day (I write better in the afternoon but like to put the post up in the morning.  I'm weird, I know).  So I noticed I had an Ancestry.com tab open on my browser and it was a stroke of inspiration.  I wrote about my adoptive family tree.  Easy post to write.  Didn't have a lot to do with adoption.  But I made a statement that I felt I didn't belong on it.  And I don't.  But whatever, no big deal.

So then another adoptee commented on how they felt comfortable on their adoptive parent's tree.  While we don't agree, the comment was respectful and showed that no two adoptees feel the same way.  I don't have any problem with comments like that.  In fact, I welcome them.  Bring it.  This adoptee was polite, non-inflammatory, and was simply stating their story as it related to mine.  In my mind, it was a great comment to leave on a blog.  Wonderful.

And then an Anonymous comment followed.  They clearly brought in drama from another blog.  So I started to internally debate what to do.  I could take down the offending comment, which had nothing to do with what I posted, just attacked the first commenter, or I could leave it up.  Then others started to respond to the Anonymous comment so I decided to leave it up.  Because it's proof that nastiness exists out there.  In the form of anonymous comments.  I don't particularly like them, but I get that some people would rather use them.  I've used them before on other blogs if I don't feel comfortable.  Sometimes I'll post on a first mother blog or an adoptive parent blog using just my name and not a URL because I know we don't agree 100% and I'm scared of the other commenters.  I've seen it happen to a lot of good bloggers.  So I've left it open on my blog.

I felt like there was a great discussion.  I wish I had been closer to a computer and had been able to comment more, but I was following along on my cell phone.  A few blog posts went up on other blogs that referenced mine and the discussion that followed.  Cool!  I love getting traffic from these awesome people!

And then Anonymous came back and started posting threats in regards to the other bloggers.  Anonymous posted stuff here that had NOTHING to do with the blog post.  It was in regards to something that another blogger said on a different blog.  Wrong place to complain.  So I deleted my first ever comment.  Because honestly, I don't like drama from other blogs coming over here.  If I blog about it, then fine.  But I hate it when the comments get nasty over other people's words, and not mine.  If I deserve it because of the original post, then fine.  But if I didn't post it, don't bring it here.

Every blog has it's own energy.  I love blogs with different energy than mine.  I read them and love them.  But I have my own energy here, and I don't like it when it's polluted by anonymous comments that bring other energies over here.

I've decided to keep the anonymous option open for now.  But I will shut it down if it gets to be a problem.  And by problem, I mean bringing nastiness here from other places that has NOTHING to do with the original post.

And thanks to my readers who don't post nasty comments about irrelevant stuff.  I really do appreciate you, even more now, and you help keep me going!

I will not blog about this...

My messed up attempt
at an apple...

I will not blog about this... I will not blog about this... I will not blog about this...

I will not blog about a certain person who passed away last week....

I will not blog about possibly the world's most famous adoptee at the moment...

I will not blog about the idiocy of some of the statements about if he could have been aborted...

I will not blog about the debate if we would have iProducts if he hadn't been adopted...

I will not blog about a book and possibly a movie coming out about his life and how I highly doubt either will show adoption issues realistically...

I will not blog about his behavior and how sometimes it was classic adoptee behavior...

I will not blog about nature vs. nurture and how it shaped him...

I will not blog about this... I will not blog about this... I will not blog about this...

(I wonder if I type it enough times it will work and I won't blog about it???  Or maybe I'll just give myself credit that I waited a week!)

Education and Responsibility

I've been thinking about responsibility lately.  It came up on another blog.  I'm not going to link because I don't want to stir up drama and send traffic that way, but it was an interesting situation and it's really got me thinking.

Basically, a first mother is talking to an adult adoptee who has not searched.  She explains how things were for her and apparently it comes across that she loves her child (who she has now reunited with) and has some sort of mother/child relationship.  It was very vague in this blog post and I wasn't able to find the post it was referring to.  I realize I'm doing the same to my readers, so please forgive me.

Anyway, what followed were comments that the first mother should not have told the adult adoptee her story without telling him that not all mothers feel the same way she does.  It was her responsibility to educate the adoptee about all first mother issues.  Another point was made that there isn't just one story.

I agree, there isn't just one story out there.  There are a lot of stories.  There are a lot of different ways of looking at things.  Even among adoptees, there is a spectrum.  Some of us are happy we are adopted, some of us aren't.  There isn't a right or wrong answer.  It is what it is.  I would guess it's the same for adoptive parents and first mothers.  I'm sure there are first mothers who wish they had never places (I've read some of their blogs) and there are first mothers who are happy they have placed (I've read those blogs too, just less frequently because they are a bit too triggering for me).  I'm sure there are adoptive parents who are thrilled they adopted (I like to think mine are some of them) while I know there are others who aren't (though they don't talk about it as often, I do have adoptee friends who have parents like this).  We all have different perspectives and different experiences.  It is up to us to share that or not.

What I do not agree with it the need for each person to put a disclaimer on everything that they say.  I'm sorry, but if someone asks me about my reunion, I'm going to tell them my truth.  I will not explain to whoever that "While some adoptees like me were happy they searched, there are others out there who don't want to search and never will".  That's not my story.  I will not speak for those adoptees.  I would assume that whoever asks me for my story understands that I'm not speaking for everyone.  That's why I use language like "me" and "I", not "we", "all", and "defiantly".  I learned that lesson in school.  Never use absolutes (I just giggled).  If you ask to hear my story and I tell you, and you take it to be the whole truth, well, then that's on you.  As a person you need to educate yourself.

Along those lines, when I was thinking about searching, I did a lot of research.  I didn't just listen to one story of an adoptee who searched, found, and was happy, I listened to a number of stories of people from all sides of the spectrum.  I read a lot of books, read a lot of blogs, and learned before I searched that everyone feels differently.  I knew it was like throwing darts while blindfolded and praying to hit the target.  If I didn't, that was my own fault.

I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to educate on the entire issue while telling their story.  That first mother's story was her truth.  She shouldn't speak for anyone else.  She can tell the adoptee if she wants, "That's just my story however" but I don't think it's mandatory.  I certainly don't tell people "Not all adoptees want to search" because I don't personally feel like I should speak for anyone else.  I will tell people if I think they are looking for a more general answer that no two stories are the same, and to take it with a grain of salt.  But that's when I have my education hat on.  My education hat is never on when I tell my personal story.  I don't think it has a place there.

Telling of my story is just that.  MY STORY.  Nobody else's.  And it's not my responsibility to disclaimer that. As I mentioned in the comments:

My dog Roxy!

"I don't know about this... If I have a dog and I love my dog and I'm telling someone else about my dog, do I have to tell them that not everyone else feels the same way about dogs so they don't go out and buy one based on my experience?

Everything I say to another person is from my own perspective. I perceive the world in my own way, and nobody else will perceive things the exact same way. I don't put a disclaimer in every conversation I have because that's just not practical. I can see a mother talking about her experience. It's not her responsibility to education about all adoption issues.

While I 100% agree that you have to consider all different sides, and making generalizations is BAD, I'd would say that it's up to the adoptee to figure out the other side of it, not the first mother.

That's just my take on it. I think that a person should be able to share their own experiences without putting a disclaimer on them. It's a casual conversation after all (or at least that's what I'm assuming).

Though I guess it would matter if she told him that ALL first mothers feel this way. That would be a different situation. But if she's merely saying I feel this way, then no disclaimer needed."

The response I got back to this was that I was right except when it came to adoption.  Especially when talking to an adoptee.  It just seems to me like that's labeling us again as different.  We are different, but do we really need to be treated like people who can't reason on their own?

I don't want to stir up drama, but I was really upset about this.  I just don't think it's right for an adoptee (the blog author) to tell a first mother that it's on her to educate all adoptees.  It's like saying we aren't smart enough to figure things out for ourselves.  That was my take on it anyway.  It almost seemed like this adoptee was urging mothers to tell their stories only if it was negative so that the adoptee won't search.  Should people only be able to influence negatively?  I know when I was thinking about searching, I wanted to hear about a variety of view points, not just one.  Sometimes we have to take a step back from our agendas (even if that's blogging about adoption from a "pro" position) and realize that you can't have it one way or another.  This first mother was telling her truth.  The adoptees mother might feel the same way.  She might not.  He should get to hear both sides of the story before deciding to search or not.  And I doubt one first mother is going to sway him one way or another.  I doubt that one story is going to make him rush into a reunion and he will look back later in life and blame all of his problems on this first mother.  If he does, well then there's just something not quite right there.

Where do you think the responsibility lies?

The Blame Game

I've been reflecting lately on the whole Blame Game that I think sometimes gets played by adoptees and first parents. It bothers me that such a game exists, and that groups feel the need to demand that their pain count for more than the other groups. I'm no saint and I've participated before (though I usually manage to reign it in). I think that both groups sometimes come from very different places and it's hard to see where the other person is coming from. I will never know what it feels like to be a first mother. I can't know her pain. I can empathize, I can feel badly for what she went though, but I will never truly understand. Just like she (the generic first mother) will never know my pain, my loss, my thoughts unless she too is an adoptee. So we run into problems right off the bat.

I think that it's hard for adoptees like myself, ones who have mothers who were not coerced, tricked, or bullied into giving a child up, to sometimes see eye to eye with mothers from the Baby Scoop Era. They did not choose in many cases to give their children away. Their children were taken away. I'm so thankful adoption isn't practiced that way anymore. It's not much better, but still…

As an adoptee, I feel (and this is a feeling, rather than based on any fact) like I was given away. I feel like my mother (and father) walked out on me. I feel that I was handed over to strangers because they didn't want me. This may or may not be the actual facts of the situation (there's a spectrum I believe) but that's how I grew up feeling. As the product as a closed adoption, I didn't know my story. Now this is totally different from blaming one group. I don't blame all first mother's for this. I KNOW that some of them did not have a choice. I know that a lot of them would gladly enter into reunion with their children. And I think some of the best people I have met here on blogland are first mothers. But that will never change how I grew up feeling… like I was a throw away baby to my first family. I may have an adoptive family that loves me but that will never make up for my blood rejecting me. It's just a fact of life for me.

We adoptees have a ton of issues. We bring baggage to the table. And I think that sometimes we do project a little bit. I know that I've taken offense to things that first mothers have said that I shouldn't because I have these horrible feelings toward Nicole from time to time. I know I've projected her hurtful behavior on good people, and I hate that I do that sometimes. Lately, I've been counting to ten and then reexamining to make sure I'm not overreacting. It still happens, but I'm getting better.

I guess my point is, blame games are no fun. There are no winners. We all get hurt and nobody comes out on top. Now I'm going to go sing Black Eyed Peas, "Where Is The Love?"