Writing an Email

I'm working on an email to my first father.  Boy, this isn't easy.  The way they stand right now is that we're emailing until this month when I'll let him know if things can go back to the way they were before.  Which is what he wants.  I know this because he told me so.

I've been doing a lot of thinking.  And it's so hard.  Because I miss him.  Even though I know I deserve better.  Even though I know having a secret relationship is hard.  Even though I know it's hurting me in the long run and that it makes me unhappy.  Even though things went south to the point I know I'll never be able to fully trust him again, not after him throwing me under the bus with such easy last month.  Even after all that, I miss him.  I miss talking to him.  I miss laughing with him.  I miss the funny text messages.  I miss having him in my corner.  I miss the support.  I even miss hearing about my first mother from him.  It's strange.  She wasn't always so nice to me, but he loves her.  She's his best friend.  And I love hearing about her through that lens.  He describes her so differently and it makes me see her in a different light.  It makes me see her as a good and kind person.  I like seeing my mother that way.  I've always loved her, and it was so hard to justify that after the way she treated me.  I liked hearing about her from him because it made things easier.  And I miss hearing about my sisters.  I've always been torn about that, but I do miss it.  But mostly I miss hearing from my biological father, the person who I'm so alike.  It's hard.

But I can't abide by his rules.  I can't only text him before noon.  And only on days when he texts me first because his schedule keeps changing and I never know when he's working anymore.  And I won't participate in a huge lie like this.  It was different before.  I wish I could put my finger on it and describe the difference but I can't.  Maybe now because it's gone from a lie of omission to a real, honest-to-goodness lie.  I don't really know.

In my heart of hearts, I know this is for the best for now.  I know that asking for either all or nothing is a better solution to me.  I'm an all or nothing sort of girl.  I don't do things halfway.  I either want everything or nothing in all aspects of my life.  I may hem and haw for a while at first, but in the end once I make up my mind I go for it, whatever it's going to be.  That's just who I am.  My first father once described me as determined.  When I want something, I don't stop until I have it.  Only he said it in a more flattering way.  He hit the nail on the head with one of my biggest flaws.  I don't know when to stop sometimes.  I think that this is my way of realizing that right now, I may need to stop.  I can't make him tell people about me.  I can't make him change.  I can't change the situation without hurting a lot of people.  And there isn't a clear answer here.

So I'm going to tell him that we can text and talk, but that I won't do it on a set schedule.  I won't agree to only text on his days at work and while he's at work.  I won't be a slave to the clock.  It's not fair to me.  So it's going to be up to him.  And I already know what he's going to say.  He won't be able to text me or talk to me if that's the case.

It's such a hard email to write.  I want to make sure I'm clear and that I pick the right words.  I don't want to come off like an angry crazy adoptee who's withdrawing.  But I also don't want him to think that it's OK for him to make up rules that aren't fair to me.  So we'll see how this all goes.  Wish me luck!