Future Worth Fighting For

It's taken me a few days to write about it, but this weekend was really really hard.  A person that I'm very close to decided that life wasn't worth living anymore.  I saw him mere hours before he tried to end it all.  He's still alive thanks to some quick thinking by a relative and a responsive paramedic team.  We have to wait and see how this all plays out over the next few days.  If you're a praying type of person, his family could really use the prayers.

I'm struggling to comprehend how it got to that point.  I knew things weren't going so well for him, but lately it seemed like things were going a lot better.  I saw him that day.  I can't get it out of my head.  I knew that something was wrong.  I knew it wasn't right, and I left.  I didn't want to embarrass him and I knew that his wife and children were home.

I've been trying to accept that there was nothing that I could have done.  I gave him a hug.  I told him I loved him.  And I left.  There was no way to know what he was going to do.  And he wasn't alone.  It was in no way my fault, but I still replay those moments over and over again.  I wasn't paying attention the way that I normally do.  I realized later that it wouldn't have made a difference even if I had.

It's made me realize how lucky I am.  Life isn't always easy, but I have hope for the future.  I can think of about ten things that he has to look forward to, but clearly he couldn't in that moment.  That's a sad thing.  I'm hoping that in time he comes to see how much he does have to look forward to, and that he fights for it.  I'm so thankful to have a future worth fighting for.

Here's a list as a reminder to myself of all the things that I have to look forward to:

1. Meeting my first family: With each new person I meet, there's so many new possibilities.  I'm sure that I won't get along with some, some relationships just won't pan out, and it's all going to be hard.  However, there's a good chance that some of those new relationships might work out.  And with each new connection, I learn more about myself and the person that I want to be.
2. Maintaining good friendship: I have a lot of friends out there.  I think of all the fun times that we've had, and I think about all the things we're going to do in the future.  I can't wait to share more nights that we'll never forever.
3. Restoring rights to adoptees: We're getting there.  With each state that opens records, we're getting closer.  No matter how small, I'm doing my part, including traveling to Chicago this summer.  I tell myself that blogging my story helps too, in the sense that maybe it's helping dismiss some of the stereotypes.  Maybe it does.  Anyway, this is something that I can continue to fight for and a legacy to leave behind for other adoptees.
4. All those question marks:  I don't know where my life is going to take me.  Who knows?  I'd like to end up in a nice house with a few kids, and live out my dreams.  I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm excited to have the future wide open ahead of me.  I can't wait to find out!

I'm going to try to live my life the way that it should be lived.  I'm going to fight for all my new beginnings and wonderful stories.  I believe in angels and I know that I have a few watching over me.  I don't want to give them a bad show...

I'm "That" Adoptee - The "Hairdresser" Conversation

My Attempt at a Hairdresser Picture

Once you've been around adoption blog land for a bit, or you participate in adoption forums, or you have any conversations with anyone about adoption, you usually hear a pretty similar story.  It comes from all over.  Sometimes it comes from a person without a major adoption connection.  Other times it comes from an adoptive parent or a first parent.  It's what I like to call the "hairdresser" conversation.  You know, the one where the other person says "Well my hairdresser's cousin's friend adopted a little girl and she's happy as can be!  There's nothing wrong with adoption; you must have just had a bad experience."  Yes, people actually say things like that to adoptees.  Because one adoptee is happy, then that means that adoption is always a good thing and all adoptees should feel that way.  Or that the ones who aren't happy just came from bad situations.

But the thing is, not all adoptees like to talk about that painful part of their lives.  I don't.  I don't like to bring it up around my adoptive family if I can help it.  I have several reasons.  For starters, members of my adoptive family with the exception of my sister and I are biologically related to each other.  They know what it's like to be raised by people who they look like, act like, and share history through blood.  My mother's heritage is their heritage too.  Same with my dad's side.  They know they look like Aunt Jane on this side or that their nose comes from Uncle Fred.  To them, that's what family is.  I may not look like them, but I was raised that way.  So to them, they know how I was raised and what kind of family I have because it's their family too.  But they don't get that huge difference between us.  They don't get that I'm not Irish and Italian.  They don't get how I felt excluded when they'd talk about how they all look the same or laugh the same (they all have the exact same laugh).  I'm so happy they don't feel that way.  I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone, let alone people I love.  So they can be supportive (and they are so supportive), but they are never going to understand.  They don't get what I went through growing up in that family.  And the biggest part is that I don't want to hurt them.  I don't want them to think that they aren't good enough for me.  I don't want them to think that they did anything wrong because they haven't.  They didn't pick this for me either (as in my extended adoptive family) but they have done everything they could to welcome me as if "born to".  They have loved me from the beginning and been there for me.  They are a great family, and they're my family.  But I have another family too, and I wanted to find out about them.  I don't want my family to have to deal with the issues and pain that I do have from this whole situation.  So I don't bring it up.

If you were to ask a family member of mine, chances are they would tell you that I'm happy with being adopted.  I have a large family and not everyone knows that I've searched and found.  So there are relatives of mine that would say that I never felt inclined to search.  They'd be wrong.  They could say the same about my adoptive sister, but they might be wrong again there too.  My parent's friends don't all know.  My parents did not broadcast it, and really, my search and reunion doesn't come up very often with them.  So if one of them told their hairdresser about me, they'd say something like "Oh, my friends adopted a little girl and she's very happy to be adopted.  She's never searched and she's an engineer now and doing very well!"  Sigh.  They don't know my inner brain, and they don't know what's going on in my personal life.  And that's OK.  But I'd be upset if I found out that I was being used in a conversation like that and completely misrepresented.

There are adoptees out there who are happy about their adoptions.  I've met a few.  And I firmly believe that it's up to them to feel however they feel about it.  But that being said, its not everyone.  And honestly?  I'd rather those people speak for themselves in a safe environment.  Being adopted is deeply personal.  It's like talking about your sex life with a random person in a very public place.  Most people don't do it.  They talk about stuff like that with people who they are very close with and in a private place.  And then there are those who blog about it.  I blog publicly but I keep things private as much as I can.

So yes, the girl who blogs about her issues and challenges and pain publicly is the same adoptee that these hairdressers are probably talking about.  You never know someone's story until you talk to that person.

Roller Coaster Ride

Reunion can be a roller coaster ride.  There are times when things are fantastic, and other times when things aren't so great.  Want to read more?  Email me if you need the password for my private blog.  *Note: All the posts have the same password.

This post can be located here: http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/11/03/roller-coaster-ride/

ETA: Fixed the broken link!

Spectrum

I tend to come in late to the party. I think this is because I often read blog postings on Google Reader and so I miss comments unless I have time to visit each individual blog and check out the comments. So if there are great comments on blogs, I tend to miss them unless I feel the need to comment on that particular post. I've been trying to catch up on some of the comments lately because I think some of the best stuff comes from the comments. I get the most insights reading what people have to post. I'll admit that I read some blogs simply for the comments.

Anyway, I was reading one batch of comments the other day and a point came up that really got me thinking. The comment was about the spectrum. There most certainly is a spectrum. Not every adoptee feels the same way about adoption. Put three random adoptees in a room and chances are they have three different opinions. I think part of the problem with adoption reform is that adoptees have a hard time agreeing on things and then we get upset because we each have our own truths and sometimes adoptees try to tell others that their truth isn't THE truth.

Confusing I know. I truly believe there is a spectrum. On one side, you have adoptees who are able to deal with the loss of adoption and it does not affect their lives. I think that adoption does involve loss for all adoptees, but some deal with it a lot better than others and it is extremely minimal in their lives. For these adoptees, that is their truth. Their truth means they are able to function in their lives without searching, without feeling pain from adoption, and without having to blog about it. They do exist and their feelings are real. And these are the adoptees that Adoptive Parents in the online world seem to hold up like trophies and say "See!? This is what my child is going to be like!" That's just one side of the spectrum. There's another side. The other side is the side that feels the crippling pain that can come from adoption and has trouble living their lives with that pain. Some of these adoptees are prime examples of the Primal Wound theory (which I have not read and thus add this disclaimer though I've heard it debated enough I get the gist of it). These adoptees I've found have a very strong voice online as they are trying to figure it out. Then you have those of us who fall in the middle. There is a huge range on this middle. And each adoptee is different.

I haven't been able to figure out what makes adoptees more inclined on one side or the other. I think some of it has to do with adoptive parents, but that's not the whole story. I had great adoptive parents, but I'm leaning more towards the painful side. I did search, and my adoptive parents supported those efforts. They weren't super involved, by my choice, but they did support me. So I can't say that's the sole trigger. In fact, I think because my adoptive parents are supportive, I've been able to explore my issues.

I've met people who are all over the spectrum. I've met people who are completely comfortable with their adoptions and don’t feel the loss of their first family. They don’t want to search, and I don't really think they are in denial. I also have met people who have searched and still feel a horrible pain they are not able to reconcile. They aren't imagining it either. I've also met people who are more in the middle. They know that there is pain from adoption, but they may not dedicate their lives to it. I don't think it's a one size fits all kind of thing. I think this is something that adoptees need to start to figure out. We need to acknowledge the spectrum. And we need to understand that it's not static. It changes over time. I used to be able to deal with the loss of adoption. Then I entered reunion and realized that I hadn't been dealing with it as well as I thought. I hope someday to get to a place where my pain and loss isn't always towards the front of my mind. Someday….

Adoption Truth: Oh Baby, Baby

Adoption Truth: Oh Baby, Baby

Amazing post that made me cry. I wish my grandmother had felt that way about me. Maybe one of em would have if shed known...

Connections

This post is mostly about NeverTooLate. Check it out here: http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/06/06/connections/

Loss

Some pretty powerful emotions that I blogged about, so this post has been moved here: http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/05/03/loss/