Missing Branches

My "Branch"

If you've been following along, you know that I've been doing a lot of research on Ancestry.com these days.  I got an account about a year ago and I've kept up my membership.  I've had a few people ask me why I keep up the membership.  After all, didn't I find my information already?  The membership doesn't keep the tree, it just allows you access to search the records.  If I cancelled my membership, I'd still keep my tree and everything that's in it right now.  The answer to that question is because new stuff comes up all the time.  I'm always amazed when new leaves appear.  I go through my trees (I have four) all the time and look for new information.  Sometimes there is, and sometimes there isn't.  The newest thing for me is that a lot more people are joining the site so there are more trees to compare mine too.  That's how I found my most recent discovery and was able to trace back my paternal grandmother.  It was pretty amazing actually.

One of my paternal aunts made her tree public, as did one of my paternal cousins.  This is what lead to my history lesson that lead me back to 1419 in France.  How cool is that?  Anyway, I was able to figure out who was who on her public tree.  Anyone that's still alive is marked private (but you can tell their gender), but it wasn't too hard to figure it out due to my first father's family situation (which is different compared to the cookie cutter family picture we imagine when we tend to think of "family").  Anyway, I wasn't listed.  My aunt doesn't know I exist, so it was a natural thing.  Yet, it still shook me.  I'm not sure why it did.  But there it was.  Proof that they don't know about me and don't acknowledge the girl they don't know about.  It was an inaccuracy they won't know about for a while longer.  And it was on paper.  I guess before, it was all theoretical.  This time, I have proof.  Hmm.

I'm the missing branch on their family tree.  This naturally got me to thinking more about it.  I did trace things pretty far back.  The further back I went, the more chance that something wasn't quite right with the dates or the names.  Names slowly changed over time.  Letters were dropped and added.  First names were changed to make them less ethnic.  It's not a new practice, but interesting to see in action.  I wondered how many missing branches there could be.  How many adoptees in the family could be floating around out there?

I couldn't help but think that maybe someday, I'll turn into a full blown branch of the family tree.  I could go on to have children and they will have an accurate tree.  That's one of my major reasons for doing all of this.  I want my children to have what I never did.  I plan on having a family tree in any future children's baby books.  Rudy has one in his, and I want that for any future children I may have.  In theory, I would have children who would go on to have children, who would have children etc.  That's just how life continues on.  And should my branch continue to grow, I have to fight to make sure that the information stays accurate.  Public records will show be as the daughter of my mom and the Grinch, not SinginInTheRain and NeverTooLate.

My aunt's didn't contain me.  It really has me thinking a lot about missing branches.  I think about all my fellow adoptees who do not yet have their answers.  I've been very lucky to learn my truth, and my family will know that truth eventually.  Right now I'm waiting for my sisters to grow up a bit, but my tree will go public eventually.  And perhaps my aunt or my cousin will start asking questions when they realize that there's another tree out there, only that one has three girls listed as children of their youngest brother/uncle and sister-in-law.  I have a feeling that's how I will probably come out in my family.  It's my way of not breaking the promise I foolishly made not to contact anyone else in my family.  I wouldn't be contacting them, just leaving myself open to be found.  My sister turns 18 next month... Who knows?

Unasked Questions

I have a number of questions that I haven't asked my first father.  Each week when we email, we each come up with a question or two for the other person to answer.  These questions are usually "Getting to know you" questions and we answer them for ourselves.  So for example, I might ask my first father what his favorite Christmas gift was and then explain that mine was a dollhouse my grandfather built for me.  I'd then go on to describe why it was so special (it took him hours to finish and it was exactly the kind that I wanted) and how it's one of the few things that I have that reminds me of him.

So most of our emails go back and forth like that.  Sometimes the questions are better than others.  I usually learn things about him that I didn't expect because of the way he answers the question.  So it's an interesting thing.  Also, for a while we were talking on the phone too so our emails were less of "how was your week?" and more "what am I supposed to write about?"  It's a challenge.

That being said, there are questions that I've always wanted to ask but haven't had the chance.  Actually, that's not true.  I've had the chance, but I've been too scared to ask.  I was afraid of scaring him away.  So I kept a few questions to myself.  Hard ones.  Ones that he may not want to answer.  And the truth is, he doesn't have to.  He doesn't have to do anything.  He could ignore them, like he's ignored other questions in the past.  I don't expect him to be a walking encyclopedia and he doesn't have to lay his life bare to me.  He tends to do that anyway, but that's another story for another day.  On the other hand, I'm a naturally curious person and I ask weird questions anyway.  And I've answered every question he's asked me.

I want to know if he's ever planning on telling his/my family about me.  I'm curious.  I want to know what he sees happening when my sisters find out about me.  Are they going to be told they can't talk to their aunts/uncles/grandma about a new addition to the family?  I have these questions because he's made it seem like he never plans on telling them, but he hasn't actually gone that far in saying that.  I know he never expects me to meet them.  So I want to ask realistically how he sees this whole thing going down in the future.

There is no law that says anybody can limit two consenting adults from getting to know each other if they so chose.  So if I want to contact my paternal family (who are adults) I have the ability to do so and my first father doesn't get a say in it.  His actions the past few months have proven to me that he does not have my best interests at heart and that he's putting himself first.  So I've given myself permission to do what I think is best for me.  Right now, what's best for me is to wait.  I don't have time in my life for added drama.  But that doesn't mean it will always be that way.  So someday I'll get in touch when I'm in a good place to handle things.  Right now just isn't that time.

I'm curious as to how he sees the whole thing going down.  I really do wonder sometimes.  I have a feeling that he thinks that he'll tell his daughters someday, maybe ten years or so down the line and that they will keep his secret (or at that point his family won't be around anymore... at least his mother won't).  I'm also curious if that's a part of the decision to wait... he doesn't want his mother to know about me.  So I'm going to ask.  I'm going to wait another week or so (let the old drama settle a bit) and then I'll ask.  He could either answer (and then I'll sort of know depending if he lies or not) or he might not.  At least I'll have tried.

I have a few other questions too.  I'll be asking them over the next few months.  The gloves are off.  I don't owe him anything.  He doesn't owe me anything.  I have nothing to lose at this point.  He's already destroyed my trust.  He has a new nickname in my head (it's the same as my old vice principle, a man who did everything our principle told him like a puppet on a sting).  So I'm asking.  No more nice, obedient adoptee.  Time for the real Jenn to show her face and ask her questions.  I'm done playing a role.  It's time to just be me.

Extended First Family

My Family Tree is a bit bare...

I've been thinking a lot lately about my extended first family.  I don't know why, but I have them stuck in my head these last few days.  I think that a part of it has to do with the fact that my maternal grandfather's birthday just past.  The first one.  My first parents signed my relinquishment papers on his birthday.  What a great gift to him!  Actually, I don't know if it was a gift or not.  He's the grandparent who puzzles me most about this whole thing.

My paternal grandmother wouldn't have approved of my adoption.  We all know it.  That's why she doesn't know about me.  I was going to clue her in, but she's not well according to my first father.  So even if I do tell her, she probably won't remember it.  It's selfish, but I don't think I can handle one more person with serious brain issues in my life.  So I'm not going to "out" myself to her.  It would just cause more harm than good at this point.  If my first father wants to come clean to her, he's going to have to do it himself.

My paternal grandfather wouldn't have approved either.  I just get the sense that he wasn't the kind of guy who would be ok with his family being raised by someone else.  He wasn't the most traditional kind of guy.  He had two kids with one woman, got divorced, and had a companion for the rest of his life, who he never lived with (my grandmother), and had two kids with her.  So not the most traditional guy.  I don't think he would have cared that I was born out of wedlock.  We'll never know.  He passed away four years ago.

My maternal grandmother did not approve of me.  Apparently I caused a lot of issues between my first mother and her.  That's one of the reasons why my first mother doesn't want to tell her parents that I'm back in touch.  Because it will bring up old problems.  I got the feeling that she pushed for my adoption.  My first mother had already made up her mind, but she wouldn't have been able to change it with my grandmother pushing her once she knew about me.  What would the neighbors think?

My maternal grandfather, I just don't know about.  He was with my grandmother.  He knew about me.  But after all the conversations with both first parents, he'd be thrilled if I got back in touch.  No, he didn't fight for me.  No, he didn't tell anyone about me.  But he'd be happy now.  This leads me to think that maybe he wasn't really ok with it back then.  Then again, I won't know unless I meet him.  And he's the one that I want to meet. It's weird, but I went into a similar profession as him.  We're both engineers.  And in all the photos I have of him, he's smiling.  He looks like the kind of grandfather any girl would want.  I know he has a temper.  I've been told stories about it.  But nobody's perfect.  But then again, he might have pushed my first mother to give me up.  What kind of person doesn't support their daughter to keep their child?  I was his granddaughter.  But I know I don't know the whole story here.  I'm trying not the judge, but I really don't know.

As for the rest of them, my first father's family I've been warned about.  They don't seem like the kind of people I'd want to meet.  Or maybe they are and words have been twisted.  Who knows.  My first mother's family is her brother.  Who knows about me.  Who I want to meet.  He's a computer scientist, which is a parallel field to mine.

I have about nineteen cousins floating around out there.  Some are older than my first parents.  Most have their own children at this point.  Out of the nineteen, I'm sure there's someone I would like.  I mean, who knows how many first cousins I have?  But it would take so much to get to know them.  And most of them live in Georgia.  And there would be lots of drama.

I'm curious.  I'll admit that.  I want to know them.  I want to feel like I know my biological family.  But I don't know if I can deal with the rejection that is sure to come from some of them.  Or the drama it's sure to dredge up.  Or the fact that I will most certainly be put in the middle.  So I don't know.

I probably won't ever meet my biological grandmother on my first father's side.  That side of the family may be lost to me forever.  But who knows about the maternal side?  I don't know if it would be worth it.  Ugh.

At What Age Is Grown-up?

This is a question I've been thinking about for a while now.  It started at the beginning of my first reunion when I started emailing my first mother.  At 22, I felt this odd, child-like sensation as I would tell her about my childhood and my favorite memories.  It's such a hard feeling to describe, feeling like a small child again looking for Mother's approval.  As time went on, that feeling faded, only to reemerge when I started talking to my first father, though not as bad the second time around.  Listening to other adult adoptees, it turns out that it's not completely unheard of, the regression I was feeling.

Being back at home with my parents has brought this question up again.  My mother does my laundry (her one household chore).  My parents refuse to accept rent from me (when I offered I was laughed at).  A lot of the same rules are in place for me now as when I was in high school, though in some areas I have a bit more freedom.  It's challenging to step back into that role and still maintain that I'm an adult (which I am).  But my parents don't see me that way, so it gets pretty complicated around our house sometimes.

I can own my own car like an adult, work like an adult, get paid like an adult, be treated like an adult when not with my family, but in the eyes of the state and in the eyes of my adoptive family, I'm still a child.  The state sees me as a child in that they won't give me my birth documentation.  Everyone else has theirs, I just can't get mine because they don't trust me as an adult to make what they see as the "right" decision.  My adoptive family (extended now) also sees me as a child, as witnessed this past weekend.

My uncle adopted two daughters later in life.  Their father died when they were young and he helped to raise them.  He was always their "dad" but nothing was official until both girls were in their 30's.  At that point, it was a step-parent adoption because he married their mother the day before they started the paperwork.  So my grandparents have eight grandchildren and four of us are adopted.

My older cousins do not act like cousins, or at least not in the way that I'm used to.  My family is very close.  We all get together on a regular basis (not just the holidays), call each other, support each other, and are there for each other.  My cousins don't call.  They bail on family parties.  They haven't called my mother once to see how she's doing.  They don't call my grandmother.  They don't act like her grandchildren.  So it's a sore spot in our family.  My uncle is insistent that they be treated like everyone else, but they don't treat the rest of us the way everyone else does.  If that makes sense.

My uncle threw a Christmas party last weekend.  A "family" party.  Which was a big deal because even though he lives less than an hour away, nobody's ever been to his house before.  So like an idiot, I called him to get the details.  I do all the planning in our house and I wanted to know what time so we could plan our weekend around it.  Well.  I was told that I wasn't invited.  I could go to a separate party with my cousins on another day.  It was a party for just his brothers and their wives.  Hm.  Ok.  Fast forward to the actual party.  My younger cousins never got the memo they weren't invited.  So they showed up.  I'm so glad that they did!  But here's the kicker.  My uncle's kids were there.  With their kids.  Who are teenagers.  So basically, my uncle threw a party for his brothers, their wives, and his family, and just excluded his nieces and nephews.  But because my cousins showed up, my entire family was there except for my sister and I.

So at 24, my uncle does not see me as an adult.  It was an "adult" Christmas party, yet at 24, and my cousin at 22, were not invited.  So at what age is grown up?  Eighteen?  Well, that included all the cousins with the exception of one.  Twenty-one?  Still includes my cousin and I.  Twenty-five?  Ok, that would make sense, but how do you come up with that number?  What can't I do at twenty-four that I can't do at twenty-five other than rent a car?

Adoptee triggers galore these days.  Seriously.  Not cool.

Preparations Part 2

Hope I'm not left out in the Cold!

See Part 1 Here

Yesterday's post was so long I had to break it up in two.  I'm preparing for my third visit with my first father.  Which happens to fall on my birthday.  This could go amazingly well, or really really wrong.  I'm trying to prepare for all the ways it could go wrong.

Now there are several things that could go wrong.  I'm being open about stuff right?  Well I know for a fact that my adoptive father has withdrawn his support.  He's taking everything out on me these days and I hate that, but there's not a lot I can do about it.  I'm the emotional punching bag, the person who stops him from exploding at my mother, and the peace keeper.  I hate that role but it is what it is.

I'm going to tell my mother about meeting up with SinginInTheRain because I promised her that I would.  I'm just going to wait until my dad isn't around.  Mentally, she's a lot more there now than she was a few weeks ago.  Like it's amazing the progress that she's made.  She's almost back to being her old self.  So while she might not remember, she'll almost defiantly remember if I don't tell her. So I'm going to keep my promise and let her know that I'm meeting up with him.  She might freak out and ask that I not go.  I highly doubt it, but it could happen.  More likely than not she'll just be like "Ok whatever" and that will be the end of it.  She might ask to meet him.  If that's the case, things could get complicated.  But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.  I'm not going to worry about that right now because I actually think her meeting him would be a good thing.  But I doubt it's going to happen.

My grandmother is going to be at my house for the day. You know, THAT grandmother.  Now I've sworn to be honest if I'm asked, but I can't see this ending well for me so I'm going to the "spa" as far as she's concerned.  Which is true because that's what I've decided to do after my visit.  I'm going to need to relax.  But there's a chance she might not come to hang out with my mom.  And because I have the day off, that would be bad because it's a lot harder to find a replacement for her if everyone knows I'm off.  Which they all do.  So if she doesn't show because her leg has been bothering her and she doesn't like driving, I might be stuck.  It's happened before.  The back up plan is to play the birthday card.  Hard.

"It's my birthday and I made plans to go to the spa!  I really was looking forward to this, can you PLEASE help me out and come watch Mom for a few hours?  I just really need a day for myself and it's my birthday and I need to relax."  

It might work.  I hope.  Wow, rereading that I realize I need to clarify.  I love spending time with my adoptive mom.  But it's stressful and challenging.  I don't want to spend my birthday feeling stressed and challenged.  I'd rather be at work than watching my mom by myself all day (she sleeps a lot too so I'd have to keep busy doing other things by myself at my house... not so much fun).  I'm not a heartless witch.  I was told that I'm not allowed to hang out with my mom that day by my aunt who has become like a second mom to me through all of this.  Because she wants me to be relaxed and enjoy my birthday.  It's the one day of the year I get to make it all about me.  So I will.

I could naturally run into problems with my adoptive father.  Who knows where his mind is at these days?  He will probably be coming home to see my mom around the time that I'm leaving.  Because it's my birthday, there's a chance he might want to hang out with me or take me to lunch.  I highly doubt it, but it could happen.  Or he could run to the mall to get something for my birthday and I could run into him there.  It could happen.  How awkward would that be?

"Oh hi Dad.  What are you doing here?  Oh, shopping for my birthday?  Um, cool.  So this is SinginInTheRain, you know, the person I'm not supposed to talk about or mention in any way because you feel threatened?  Well, this is him!  We're having lunch, on my birthday...  So yeah.  Well, we're gonna go.  Me and my birth father [first father].  Love you!  See you at home for dinner!"

Yikes!  That would be bad.  But it's a possibility.  To avoid super awkward situations like this one, I'm going to let him know beforehand I think.  I'm waiting until he's calm.  After I talk to my mom.  So I'll know how she feels first, and then I'm just going to mention it to him.  But he's going to have to be alone.  And I have to have a game plan.  And I need to be prepared to run out of there quick.  And I need to be ready to laugh it off.  I need to be mentally prepared.  And I have to figure that all out QUICK because I'm seeing SinginInTheRain in a matter of DAYS. (Eee!)

Most likely out of all these scenarios is that I'm going to run into someone I know.  This is not just likely, I'd be floored if it didn't happen.  So I'm going to have to introduce SinginInTheRain to someone I know.  Which is going to be interesting because I've never done that before.  And it's going to get back to my parents.  That's just how my hometown is.  You know how there are all these little towns across America where everyone knows each other's business?  I think that we place these towns geographically in our minds in the southern part of the country, or the western part of the country, or at least I do anyway.  Turns out we have them in the East as well!  So that ought to be interesting.  I'm still working on wrapping my head around this one.

Why post about this?  Because I'm preparing for the worst.  I'm preparing for hell.  That way, if something does go wrong, I'll either have a backup plan already in place or at the very least, be mentally prepared for it.  So that's why I'm blogging about this.  Getting ready for failure.  Because then if things go wonderful, it's even better.

Fingers crossed!

New Era

My Identity Is Top Secret

My ideas are shifting.  That's one of the reasons why I love blogging.  I can go back and look at what I wrote and how I felt several months ago and I can see how my thinking has changed.  This is a good thing as I make progress, and a bad thing when I don't.

I've been thinking lately about my adoptive grandmother.  As a backstory, I have three living grandparents from my adoptive family.  My paternal grandfather died five years ago and I miss him very much.  We were very close and he was a huge part of my life.  Nobody else in my family got the way my mind worked, only him.  I would come to him with a wild idea and he would sit down with me and help me translate it into real life.  If circumstances had been different for him in life, he would have been an engineer.  His mind just worked that way.  Not that I'm not incredibly proud of him.  I am.  I'm proud my grandfather worked on the alarms for Boston Fire Department.  He had a very noble job.  And he worked hard to support his family.  But his mind worked a certain way, and mine was similar.

My maternal grandparents are amazing people.  They raised eight children and have an awesome family.  We're all very close to each other, and I think that's saying a lot.  I haven't always seen eye to eye with them (they come from a different generation) but I love them despite that.  They are there for me in whatever way they can be, and as I gotten older, we've become a lot closer.  I don't know what I would do without them these days.  A while back, I told them I had found my first family.  I didn't give them details, but shared I had found them in order to get medical information.  They were very quiet (which I expected) and I let them know what was going on without sharing too much with them.  They don't want to know.  I get that and respect it 100%.  They don't know that I've met my first father.  We haven't talked about my reunion in a long time.  It's not that I'm not willing to be open about it, I just don't want to shove it down their throats.  And if they ask, or if it were to come up naturally, I'd tell them.  I feel I can be open with them.

My paternal grandmother is a different story.  I love her to death.  I do.  But she can be a challenging person to deal with.  I have lived with her off and on since my grandfather died.  I spend weekends there  now and then (and now that she has wireless, I'll probably be spending a lot of weekends there in the future).  She gives me a nice place to escape to.  However, ever since my grandfather died, she's been different.  My grandmother has a lot of time on her hands.  And she knows how to use the phone.  So if there's any type of news ever, she's on the phone sharing it with others.  And she tends to spin things her own way.  She leaves out key details to make things look horrible for whoever has pissed her off the most lately.  As her family, we know this and know to double check things.  But others don't always know this and we've often had to clean up her messes.  She's an old lady and I don't think she always does it on purpose, but it happens.

I used to be scared of this.  I know how my grandmother feels about my adoption.  She's the only one who remembers my adoption date.  She sends me cards on the day my a-parents brought me home.  She tells me all the time how thankful she is that I came into her life.  I don't see her being happy about me finding my first family.  I decided not to tell her and asked my family members not to say anything to her.  They all agreed.  My adoptive parents were very supportive of everything, but they asked me not to tell my grandmother.  And my aunts and uncles all asked the same thing.  So out of respect for them, I haven't told her.  But I've also decided not to keep it a secret anymore.  I've been spending less time at her house because I don't want her to see a text message, or overhear a phone call between me and my first father.  I've decided this needs to stop.  If she sees something, then she can ask about it.  And I'll explain as best I can.  But I won't lie.  My family will just have to deal with it.

I'm tired of treating this like a secret.  It's not good for me.  I'm too stressed out about it.  So I'm taking that stress off the table.  The chips will fall where they may.  I won't instigate anything, but I won't lie about it either.  From this day on, I'm being 100% open.  No more weirdness, no more awkwardness, and no more hiding things.  Welcome to the new age of Jenn's life.  Enjoy the ride.

Adoption Checklist

I like these posts... Here's one just about adoption.

Sometimes adoption is a roller-coaster I just want off of.  C'est la vie!

Acceptance in an Unlikely Place

So here's a story that I haven't told on here yet.  My boyfriend Rudy and I have been dating for five years (scary) which means that at this point, I know everyone in his family.  His family is a bit scattered, but I've seen them enough to start to get to know them and they live close enough to me that I'm hoping to get to know them even better.  I have a very skewed sense of family thanks to my wonderful adoption (just a hint of sarcasm there) so I tend to accept a lot of people as family pretty quickly.

Rudy's cousin got married last summer (well I guess more like two summers ago now that it's sort of fall) and as the girlfriend for (then three and a half) years, I was invited.  It was a casual outdoor wedding, so I was actually invited by the mother of the groom (Rudy's aunt) and never got a formal invite.  Talk about awkward.  It ended up being fantastic and I had the best time.  I've come to love Rudy's family a lot.  I get along great with his cousins who remind me of my own.  His aunts and uncles have been so welcoming of me.  And don't even get me started on Rudy's grandmother, possibly one of the sweetest women I've ever met.  His other side of the family is great too, just in a different way.  In a "we only see you a few times a year way."  The weirdest part about that is they actually live pretty close, but the family as a whole isn't always that close.  So go figure.

Anyway, back to the point.  Apparently, Rudy's aunt was a little bit of a rebel when she went to college.  She fell in love, dropped out, moved in with her new boyfriend, and never told her parents who continued to pay for school as well as room and board.  Rudy's grandmother is an extreme Catholic, so this was a huge no-no.  Whoops!  Anyway, when there was a marriage in the family, Rudy's now-uncle was still the boyfriend.  When it came time for the family pictures, he was asked to step away.  Even though he was planning on marrying Rudy's aunt, he was not "part of the family" yet and therefore not invited to be in the pictures.  Now I don't know the proper etiquette for this, but that's besides the point.  The point is that he felt left out.

Cue the wedding of the cousin, Rudy's now uncle's son (if you can follow that logic).  I never even got an official invite from the bride and groom (and I sensed that the bride may not have really wanted me there all that much).  So when it came time to take pictures, I offered to hold the jackets.  It was a family moment after all.  Turns out, Rudy's uncle wouldn't have any of that.  He was determined to make sure that everyone knew that while I may not have a ring, I was a part of that family too.  And I was going to be in that family picture.  So into the picture I went.

It was so simple.  It would have been so easy to leave me out, but they didn't.  They wanted me to feel included.  And it wasn't a big deal.  The world didn't end.  The bride and groom didn't freak out.  And over a year later, I'm still in the picture.  I might be in the picture for a long time if the hints I've been getting turn out to be true.

This came up yet again.  Rudy was visiting a few weeks ago and mentioned that his grandmother wanted to give me some jewelry.  Apparently Rudy's brother's girlfriend isn't getting any because she's not sure if they are going to stay together.  But Rudy's grandmother believes in our relationship so much that she'd like to give me family jewelry because she knows it will "stay in the family".  I was so touched when he told me that.  Naturally, I'm now going to avoid any jewelry for a while because it's a bit awkward, but I was touched never the less that she considers me to be family without any pomp and circumstance.  Why can't all family relationships be that simple?  Why can I so easily be accepted into a stranger's family (not really a stranger, but he was to me five years and a month ago) but not the family that I was born into?

These things I don't think I will ever truly understand.  I'm trying really hard.  At the same time, I'm going to love this family who has accepted me the way that the deserve to be loved.  They are special people and I'm very lucky to have them in my life.

Things To Do Checklist

Family Dynamics

This post was moved here: http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/08/19/family-dynamics/

Comfort Level

How comfortable are you with talking about your reunion and or adoption with other people. If you’re uncomfortable explain why?

For me, it really depends on the situation.  It’s an issue for me when to talk about reunion and adoption with other people because it’s hard to know how they are going to react.  I don’t usually talk about it with my family, either family really, because it’s not always something I want to deal with.

I don’t usually talk about my adoption with my first father.  It’s something that we avoid, though every once and a while it comes up.  I think he feels guilty about it, and I know he’s in a hard place.  He feels badly that I’ve gotten the short end of the stick lately, and he knows that I have a lot of other things going on in my life right now.  When we talk about things, we see things very differently, and that’s tough to deal with too.  He has a hard time understanding that I don’t blame him or my first mother for putting me up for adoption.  Was it the best choice for me?  I don’t think there’s a right answer to that.  I don’t have a better life, just a different one now.  I get angry with the situation, and my first mother’s refusal to speak to me.  It’s hard for me to talk about with him, because I don’t want him in the middle.  We can’t go back and change things, and it’s next to impossible for us to move forward while I am still a secret.  So it puts us at an impasse, something that I am willing to deal with now if we avoid the subject.

I don’t tend to talk about my adoption or reunion with my adoptive family either.  No matter how hard I try not to think this way, I tend to think that talking about it could hurt an adoptive family member.  They simply don’t get it because they don’t know what it’s like for me.  They do their best, don’t get me wrong and I love them for trying, but all and all they will never understand where I’m coming from.  They don’t realize that they will always form a club that I will never belong too.  I won’t ever share their DNA even through there are plenty of days where I wish badly that I did.  Especially with everything that’s going on with my adoptive mother these days, it’s just easier not to deal with it.  Everything is about not stressing her out, and I know that talking about my reunion stresses her out.  She’s very angry at times at my first mother because she knows how hurt I was by NeverTooLate's rejection of me.  She doesn’t want to see me hurt.  At the same time, I think there’s a part of her who doesn’t want to see me happy either, because when SinginInTheRain makes me happy, it’s an unintentional slap in the face to her.  So I am caught between a rock and a hard place with my adoptive family.  It’s just easier not to speak of it.

I do talk about my reunion and adoption with certain people in my life.  I talk about it with my boyfriend, who is amazing about listening to me go on and on at times.  I have a few really great friends who put up with me.  They have been great support and I think that their eyes have been opened a bit after talking to me about my issues.  I tend to keep my private life private in certain situations and I don’t feel the need to shout it out from the rooftops, but there are people in my life who I do feel comfortable sharing with.  If I’m uncomfortable, it’s probably because I don’t trust people easily and I know that people can hurt me with information about my adoption.  I tell the wrong people, and they can tell others, and then I can get hurt.  It happened before where a “friend” told my adoptive cousin who I wasn’t ready to talk to yet and I had to “out” myself to my adoptive family (including my sister) before I was ready.  My sister is still not speaking to me months later.

I also talk about adoption on the online community.  At times it does feel like I’m hiding behind a computer screen, but in a way it’s the only way I feel 100% comfortable with all the details.  It’s very easy for me to answer questions from strangers, and it always has been.  Up until last year, I would talk about adoption with anyone that asked, and I’d never edit myself.  My views have changed a lot recently and I have a lot more personal stories that I don’t think I’d share.

So this was a pretty long winded answer to something that could be summed up very easily as: depends on the situation.  I don’t talk about it with my family because it’s too painful for all involved and my friends know the real story while strangers get an edited version (unless I consider you an online friend).

Some People Just Shouldn't Speak

For once, I'm not the person my sister is mad at these days.  This is a rare occurrence, so I'm going to toot my own horn here for a bit.  My sister is superbly angry at my grandmother, and for once, I don't blame her.  In my experience, older people tend to forget that they need to filter what they say.  My grandmother's filter is gone.  You are a little bit overweight?  She'll ask you why you're so fat.  You're a different race?  She'll call you offensive words behind your back.  That's just how she is.  I've learned how to handle her to a certain extent (I play dummie and guilt her into dropping the subject) because confronting her about it never ends well.  My grandmother is also a master of the devastating phone call to all known relatives.  So you don't want to get on Nana's bad side.  That's never a good thing.  But this time she's crossed a line.

Backstory:  My uncle met a woman who had two children.  Their father had died tragically when they were very young.  My uncle moved in and helped to raise them.  This worked for them for a long time.  They called him Dad, but kept their last name and their OBCs.  After they were married and grown with kids of their own, they were formerly adopted by my uncle.  These kids never acted like they were in the family, never called my grandparents anything but their first names, and they never treated me like a cousin.  They never really fit in, but then again they never really tried.  At the same time, they are my cousins.  I have just as much connection with them as I do with my younger cousins.

So now that you have a rough idea of the set up, apparently my grandmother decided to talk about them with my sister.  She told my sister that they don't count as her grandchildren because they were adopted (I love how she says this to my adopted sister).  While she "likes" them, she doesn't "love" them and she doesn't see them as a part of her family.  While it's great that she's being honest, why would you say that to an adoptee?

Now I know that some people would think, well, she's old, she probably didn't realize that your sister was adopted Jenn.  My response?  My grandmother is the only person who acknowledges my "Gottcha Day", which my family always had the class to call "the-day-we-brought-you-home".  She is very aware that we are both adopted, more so than most in my family.  So she knew who she was talking to and what she was talking about.

So now me and my sister are both mad at my grandmother.  But we can't say anything.  I sort of hope that she tries to bring it up with me in the future.  Because I'd love to set her straight and guilt her into giving us both an apology.  I know how to do it because I used to live with her.  My sister doesn't know so she was forced to be silent.  But seriously, some people just shouldn't speak.

Telling Extended Family

I'm starting to think about telling my extended family about my reunion, once again.  I've started to tell more and more people, but it's challenging.  My mom is one of eight siblings and my dad is one of four.  I have 29 first-cousins all together.  Here's where it gets even crazier.  My grandparents were/are best friends.  My grandmothers talk at least once a week on the phone and see each other as often as possible.  The four of them used to take trips together.  Their children are close.  My mom was friends with my dad's brother before she met my dad.  We all vacation together, and my mom's family is included in my dad's family functions and vice versa.  So when one side knows something, the other side finds out fast.

There are limited secrets in our family.  Nobody can keep their mouth shut.  If someone does something that is worthy of being shared, they all know within a few days.  And that's being conservative.  I once got three phone calls an hour after hanging up from one aunt because I had failed to call them with good news too (when I got my job as a RA).  It's very hard to keep anything quiet.  It's not impossible and I've recently been clued in to some major family drama (kept a secret from the majority of our family for three months).  Three months isn't that long though...

When it comes down to it, I would rather tell people myself.  I have some relatives who I know would take things very well.  I have other relatives who I don't think would be so understanding.  There's a cult like mentality sometimes, and I've seen what happens when someone wants out of the cult.  It's not that I want out, that's not what I want at all.  It's just that I know that some of them may see me as wanting out.  And it's perception that matters, reality is nothing.  My fear is that if I tell one of the understanding ones and they call a not so understanding relative to share juicy family drama, then I might not get to explain myself the way I want to.  And then who knows what might happen?

With so much going on, it's been hard.  I need my family's support now more than ever, but it's hard to bring up.  How does one tell a big group of people that they aren't enough?  I needed to find my natural family, it really wasn't an option for me not too.  I am thrilled to get to know them.  I'm happier than I've ever been.  But at the same time, I just feel like my adoptive family may not see it that way.  However, the longer I wait, the harder it's going to be.  I do feel like they need to know.  SinginInTheRain is becoming a part of my life in a way I never thought possible before.  Someday I hope to include my sisters in my family.  I don't want them to think I'm ashamed of them or that they aren't worth it to me.

I'm hoping for a few openings in a few weeks.  We have a bunch of family functions coming up (three in one weekend!) so I'm going to have lots of time to talk to people.  I'm hoping that I have the opportunity to get to them one on one.  I'm going to start at Easter I think.  I'm going to start talking to different realitves (the ones I think will "get it" or at least try to) and have them on my side at larger functions.  That way, if there is backlash, they will hopefully have my back.  They will be able to disfuse the situation.  They can act really happy about things and make the rest of them feel guilty about it.  That's the plan anyway.  Maybe just once the plan will actually work.

My mom thinks I'm being silly about this.  She thinks I'm underestimating my family.  She thinks I'm overreacting.  Maybe I am.  You only have one chance to make a first impression though, and I only have one shot at this.  Things could be different for me forever after this.  We'll see...

Letter Series: Dear Grandmother

This post has been moved to http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/04/11/letter-series-dear-grandmother/

Letter Series: Dear Grandparents

This post has been moved to: http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/04/10/letter-series-dear-grandparents/

Who Do I Want To Meet?

Good old fashioned vent located here: http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/02/18/who-do-i-want-to-meet/

My Other Grandparents

I have moved this post over to http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/02/08/my-other-grandparents/ because it's pretty detailed about the situation with my first grandparents.