One Week!

This is the last week of my life as it is.  This time next week I'll be sitting at a coffee shop (probably Starbucks or something) at some yet unknown town across from my first parents.  Both of them.  Gulp.

I have some unwelcome distractions in my life right now.  Perhaps the silver lining is that it's keeping me from seriously freaking out about next week.  I feel like I've been waiting for this moment for forever.  Having to wait a month to meet her after she agreed didn't exactly help the situation.  It's frustrating at times because she's only an hour away.  Just one hour.  I could drive there tomorrow and see her.  Heck I could go right now.  I would never do that, but still.  It adds another layer.

I'm working on being a more patient person.  I am.  I haven't emailed my first father and demanded that he email me back and figure all this stuff out right now.  I didn't push to get the date moved up even though I wanted to.  I'm stressing quietly on my own.

It may not even happen.  She could still back out.  It's happened before.  I'm going to email her a pre-visit email this week.  I'm going to ask her if there's anything she would like me to bring with me.  I'm going to keep it super friendly and upbeat.  And I'm going to thank her again for agreeing to meet with me.  If that scares her off, then she wouldn't have showed up anyway.  My worst fear is that I'm going to get there and he'll be the only person there.  I know my first father wouldn't stand me up for anything.  He knows that if neither one of them showed up, I'd go find them and we all know they don't want that.  But I'm prepared to show up and hear him tell me excuses.  It could happen.  I'm only writing about it because I want to get it out there.  I want to purge my worries and set them aside.  And so that when I read back someday, I'll remember where my head was at.  You'd be amazed at how much I got wrong the last time.  I know I am anyway when I look back at the posts right before I met my first father (though to be fair, I had just started blogging and I've learned a lot since then).

What's more likely to happen is that I'll get there and she'll be there.  We'll smile, hug each other, and have a nice conversation.  I don't know what we'll talk about.  It doesn't even matter.  I'll hear more about how they don't want to tell my siblings.  I'll smile and nod, and Rudy will take over the conversation for a while while I regain my footing.  Then we'll hug each other goodbye and I won't want to leave.  Rudy and I will drive away with me not saying anything.  I'll either cry or not be able to stop smiling.  I'll get an email from my first father shortly thereafter and probably nothing from her.  And then I'll start to readjust.

Maybe there's a chance that things will change in the future.  Perhaps.  Life is a river, and I can't see up around this next bend.  We'll have to wait and see.  I have the highest hopes.

As for now, I'm going to enjoy this week.  Right now my first mother isn't a real person.  I can hold on to what's left of the fantasy (most of it's been destroyed already but some parts remain).  I'm going to say goodbye to who I am today and prepare to meet the new me in a week.  I know it's coming and I'll be prepared for that.  Thanks for reading!

Two Week Countdown

Two weeks from now I'm going to meet my first mother.  It's a pretty amazing feeling.  I've been waiting for this moment my entire life.  I've dreamed of it for endless hours, both awake and asleep.  I've pictured meeting her in so many different ways.  I've seen her in my mind for so long and wondered what it would be like to meet her.  In two weeks, I'll find out.

When I was younger, she didn't have a face.  She had long brown hair like me, only her's was stick straight.  Her features were blurred, but I knew she had brown eyes just like me.  She was young because in my mind, she was trapped at the age at which she surrendered me.  She would forever be the twenty-one year old that put me up for adoption because she was young and poor.

Later, once I'd gotten in touch with her at 22, I'd see pictures and be amazed that I did get some things right.  She was beautiful.  She is beautiful.  She has brown hair like me and it's straight, but it wasn't as dark or as long as I'd pictured.  Her eyes are in fact brown like mine, nothing like the blue eyes of my adoptive mother or hazel of my adoptive father (though his sometimes look brown in the right light).  She wasn't the skinny free spirit I had always imagined, but instead your average body type conservative Catholic.

The biggest shock to seeing her picture was that she's not the twenty-one year old I had always pictured her to be.  She is still young compared to the parents who raised me don't get me wrong.  And she's aged very well in that I wouldn't think she was as old as she is unless you told me.  And to a certain extent, she does look like me.  I'm a pretty good mix of my first father and my first mother, but I think if you saw the three of us together (which is actually happening in two weeks!) you'd probably say that I take after him.  Then again I've never met her so maybe I take more after her.  My first father was amazed at how similar I am to my first mother and sisters.  He said he couldn't get over that I did some of the same things that she does without ever meeting her.  Apparently my first mother and I act the same way when we're nervous.  And we hold ourselves the same way.  So it's going to be interesting to see, and I'm sure it's going to be a sight to watch.  I can't wait to see what Rudy thinks.

It's funny, but I always pictured that I'd meet her in a coffee shop.  I don't drink coffee.  She doesn't either.  I drink tea, but she doesn't.  I've been thinking of all the different places we could meet realistically.  We could meet at a park or something.  This might work out very well because usually there aren't a lot of people around and we could walk which is perfect for me because I have to be moving when I'm nervous.  I'm sure we could find a decent park somewhere and meet up there.  The only downside is that we're meeting in March.  And I'm always cold.  So if the weather isn't great, then so much for that thought.  I think that's going to be my first plan and the backup will be a coffee shop maybe.  It would just have to be the right kind of place at the right time.  Because we're meeting during the week, as long as we meet in between breakfast and lunch, it shouldn't be too crowded and somewhat private.  So it might be a good setting.  We'll see.  We'll have Rudy and my first father with us so it's almost like a double date.  Weird.

Rudy suggested Starbucks and though I'm a Dunkin Donuts girl through and through, it might work out well there.  Some Starbucks have great places to sit.  Plus if I could find one near a park it would be perfect because if the weather was nice we could go for a walk outside or something.

If anyone has any suggestions feel free to sound off in the comments!

Reality's Sinking In

What a week.  There's no other way to define it.  So many things are changing.  I can feel the earth shifting under my feet and I'm waiting for things to settle down so I can return to solid ground.

My upcoming face-to-face really rattled me.  I was convinced that my first mother would say no.  I thought, "Never in a million years will she agree to this."  I was so set on protecting myself that I never allowed myself to dream of a world where she would say yes.  You see, my mother is a wonderful person.  She's kind, beautiful, compassionate, and good.  I know these things because that's what she was like when we started communicating two years ago.  She was generous.  She was excited to be talking to me.  She was never perfect.  She avoided hard situations.  At times she was melodramatic (her word not mine).  She wasn't honest about me, and that hurt.  But overall, she did the best she could.  And I appreciated her for that.  I respected her.  I love her, and I always will.  She's my mother.  The other stuff?  All water under the bridge.  Then I asked for too much.  And she started to protect herself more.  I was hurt by that.  We had come to far, hadn't we?  It seemed like the secret was becoming too much for her to bear.  She withdrew, something that's normal for reunion relationships.  We had a miscommunication which then lead to her withdrawing completely.  Gone was the woman I loved who told me funny stories about her past and made me smile.  In her place was someone else, someone who didn't email me back, said hurtful things, and said goodbye with a line that could have come out of a D.isney movie.

I wrote that email asking her to meet me not expecting a reply, or at least not expecting a positive one.  I wrote it more for me, so that I could feel like I gave it every effort.  So that I could know that I'd done everything I could.  And I got a response back that I'd never imagined.  It's funny, but I shared that note with my mentor, one of four people I shared my news with outside the online community.  She's been a major supporter of me and it was important for me to get her opinion on the email.  She was surprised because "she sounds like a good person!"  After everything I had told her about the actions of my first mother, she never believed me when I would tell her that NeverTooLate is actually a wonderful person when it comes to anything other than me.  I wouldn't have communicated like that for nearly a year with a woman who wasn't wonderful.

My first father emailed me and told me that his schedule was changing.  He and NeverTooLate were going to talk about everything that day.  He'd get back to me once things settled down.  I responded right back and told him about the Rudy situation.  I haven't heard back yet.  I'm not going to lie and say I'm not nervous.  This happened before you see.  NeverTooLate did say yes to a phone call initially.  She backed down two months later when I questioned her about it.  I'm nervous that it's going to happen again.  This time, my first father is involved.  I'm hoping that he'll help the situation.  I also took the time to explain why I wanted to meet her.  I didn't do that as well with the phone call email.  I'm hoping that makes a difference.  I'll just feel better once I have a date.  If I haven't heard by next week, I'm going to email them both (I've never done that before) and ask for an update.  Fingers crossed!

To top it all off, I'm still dealing with so much from last weekend.  It's finally starting to sink in, the gravity of the situation.  Not that I didn't know it was so serious before.  It's just that I'm starting to think about the long term consequences and I'm scared about what's going to happen.  There are certain areas of my life that are going to be changed forever, because of the actions of one person.  His decision to attempt to take his life has set off a domino reaction that's going to continue for a while.  Things will never go back to the way they were before.  All we can hope for is a better and stronger future after we put in the work to clean up this giant and complicated mess.

Talk about a roller coaster!

I'm Really Going To Meet Her...

It's been a week and I'm still processing that I'm going to meet my first mother.  I always knew that someday I'd meet her, even if it meant that I'd have to show up on her doorstep.  However, this isn't a theory anymore.  This is actually happening.  Like we're going to see each other face to face for the first time.  Ever.  Because she didn't see me when I was a baby.  Wow.  Deep breath.

She wants to bring my first father.  I have mixed feelings for several reasons.  For starters, I've always kept my relationship with her and my relationship with him as separate as I could.  They are two individuals and so I've done my best to treat them that way.  NeverTooLate has come up in conversations with SinginInTheRain, and he's been mentioned in the emails that I sometimes exchange with her.  It's sort of an awkward position to be in but then again the whole situation is awkward so that's nothing new.  Meeting her with him there... well that's going to merge the two.  All three of us are going to share the same experience.  Before the other was merely mentioned, the third did not participate.  This is uncharted territory for all three of us.

My next concern is that I'm still angry with my first father from last December.  I haven't spoken to him since then, though we have emailed a bunch of times since then.  I'll admit to listening to an old voice mail from time to time when I have a hard day.  I'm working so hard on forgiving him, but I know that I'll never really be able to trust him again.  It's so hard for me at times because he really did hurt me, more than I think he realizes.  It's going to be hard for me to see him.  It's going to be hard to put a smile on my face and pretend that I'm happy he's there.  However, I'm scared of what happens if I can't pull it off.  I don't want to give my first parents any reason not to tell my sisters about me.  I'm really hoping that this is going to help speed things up a bit in that regard and I don't want them to think that I hate him.  I don't hate him.  I'm hugely disappointed and hurt.  That makes me angry.  However, I still don't hate him, though I could see people being confused by that.  I'm starting to wonder if I should talk to him on the phone beforehand...  We'll see.

Finally, I'm nervous about the two of them being there to my one person.  As my first father told me several times, if it comes down to me or her, he picks her.  Which I understand.  She's his wife and partner in life.  He's known her forever.  I've dealt with this with my adoptive parents too.  If it was between me and my adoptive mother, my adoptive father would pick my adoptive mother every time.  It's not always the nicest feeling, but it's the truth and I've learned to accept it.  I know that meeting my first mother is going to be emotional for me.  I had a hard time meeting my first father, so I'm expecting it to be a million times harder.  We have so much more history between us and we haven't spoken on the phone.  It will be the first time I will hear her voice since the day I was born.  It's going to be hard and overwhelming.  There's no getting around that.  I have no idea how I'm going to react.  I'm sure this is going to be very hard for her as well.  Only she's going to have him there with her.  She's going to have her life's partner there to hold her hand.  I can't go alone into that situation.

I've asked Rudy to come with me.  For starters, he's been with me through this whole process.  He read my first letter before I sent it.  He held me when I cried when she told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore.  He smiled and laughed with me when I told him that my first father wanted to meet me.  He's spent hours on the phone with me listening to the latest news.  He got angry for me when my first father threw me under the bus.  He was angrier than I was at the time and he helped me to see that the decision my first father made had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with him.  Rudy is my life's partner and my support.  If that isn't enough of a reason, he isn't connected to my adoption the same way that my adoptive family is and therefore won't bring those emotions into the meeting.  His concern with this meeting is because it's so important to me, his girlfriend of five and a half years.  Plus, with him there, I have someone who can distract them if I need a minute to collect myself, and I have someone there who can take a picture!

We're still working out details.  My first parents are on the same page with this and I've already gotten an email from my first father going over a few things.  I didn't think she'd let me know so fast so I assumed that by the time she figured it out we'd be past Rudy's busy season.  He's busy until the end of March and I really need him there with me.  I know I met SinginInTheRain alone, and that was the best choice at the time.  This time is different and I simply need someone else there.  I'm going to make this work.  And I'm not driving.  I'm making Rudy drive.  I'm not letting my nightmare come true!  So right now, I'm waiting for my first parents to give me a date (after Rudy's busy season) and hopefully I'll know within the next few days!  Wish me luck!

Good News!

It's taken me a while to write this post because I've sort of been waiting for the dust to settle.  I'm realizing that's going to take some more time but I really wanted to update my readers who have been so supportive.  Last Friday morning I worked up the courage to send my email to my first mother asking her to meet me.  I figured I'd have to wait the weekend to hear back, but to my shock, she answered me by Friday afternoon.

My first mother has agreed to meet me.  Not only that, but she sounded excited at the idea!  We're still working out details.  She wants to bring my first father with her which I understand completely.  I however do not want to be "outnumbered" so I've asked Rudy to come with me.  His work schedule is a little crazy right now but should ease up at the end of next month.  I didn't think she'd respond back so soon so I didn't think that would be an issue!

I'm thrilled, nervous, excited, scared, you name it, I feel it.  I've waited my entire life for this.  I've wanted to meet her since I was three years old and we adopted my little sister.  That's when it finally became real to me that I had another mother out there somewhere.  I loved my mommy with everything I had, and I still do, but I wanted to meet this woman who gave birth to me.  She was my mother too.

My first mother never saw me at the hospital.  This is the first time we'll be "face-to-face" ever.  I'm on cloud nine and I can't wait until we hammer out the details!  I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say on the subject as time move forward and we figure more stuff out!

Thanks for reading and for being so supportive!

Email Sent...

This time I hit the right button

I did it.  I sent the email to my first mother.  I asked her to meet with me within the next year.  I put myself out there.  And you know what?  I feel good about it!  I realized (with the help of some amazing people) that it was something that I should do for myself.  So that I'll stop wondering if I didn't do everything I could.  I gave it one more go.  I gave it one last effort.  One final chance.  It was more about me than her.  I want to meet her.  And I will.  If I need to show up eventually, then I will.  I'm not saying that's going to happen tomorrow.  It may never happen.  But it's an option and I have it in my back pocket for when I'm ready.

My first parents have made it very clear to me that when it comes to our relationship(s), it's about them.  It's about their other daughters.  It's about their family unit.  I can have scraps when they are willing to give them to me.  I can hear stories about my sisters and my other relatives.  They'll answer the questions they feel like and ignore the other ones.  They'll email when they feel like it.  And they will do what they think is best for them.  I guess I can't really blame them.  They bought into the adoption myth that once they signed the paperwork I would go away forever, never to been seen or heard from again.  They bought into the myth that they would be able to move on with their lives as if I never happened, as if I don't exist.  But you see, that's the problem with the myth.  I was born.  I do exist.  And as a person, I'm not willing to lay down and play the good adoptee.  I have feelings and wants and needs as well, and as an adult, I have a say in how I conduct my life.  Which includes my biological family.  Not just my first parents, but the rest of them as well.

For a long time, I played their games.  I played by their rules.  I did what they expected of me.  I was the good adoptee.  I emailed when I should have.  I answered their questions about my life.  I let my first father get to know me as a daughter.  He's seen me.  He knows that I share similar quirks with my sisters.  He knows that I look like my first mother.  That we share mannerisms.  And he's even seen my hometown (if I could go back, I'd probably rethink that one).  I gave myself freely in this who experience because that's just the kind of person that I am.  I thought that eventually things would change.  Eventually things would turn around.  Eventually.  I'm tired of waiting for eventually.  So I'm going to push a little and see what happens.

If my first mother won't meet me, the world won't end.  I won't lose anything.  She doesn't email me anymore anyway.  She has almost no contact.  And my first father... well that relationship is reduced to a short email every other week.  When he feels like it.  That's it.  I used to love him.  He was a second dad to me.  He didn't raise me, but he was giving what felt like a great effort to get to know me.  I thought he cared about me.  Maybe he does.  He just cares about his life right now more.  So I have nothing to lose.  I'm moving on.  I'm healing.  And I'd rather get this over with.  So my email is sent.  Now I just have to wait and see what happens.

Looking in the Mirror

The Mirror

I've been trying to pamper myself lately.  I don't always take the time to stop and think about how far I've come.  When I look in the mirror I tend to see the faults and flaws, and not the positives.  The other day I caught my reflection in the mirror and I actually stopped.  I realized that I'm too hard on myself sometimes.  It's funny, but I see myself in a completely different light than I used to.

When I used to look in the mirror, I'd only see question marks.  I didn't know where my skin tone came from or where my curly hair came from.  I had no clue who else had the same brown eyes.  I couldn't see the history that was written on my own face.  It was frustrating to have my lack of knowledge of where I came from thrown in my face.  Every.  Single.  Day.  And when I was so frustrated, I'd nitpick.  My nose is too big.  My skin likes to throw temper tantrums a lot (especially right before something where lots of pictures are going to be taken).  My hair and I have a love/hate relationship.  My face has a funny shape.  My teeth are OK thanks to braces, but they could be whiter.

I didn't see those things in the mirror the other day.  My skin is clearing up from it's most recent tantrum and is looking good again.  My hair was having a good day and was cooperating.  My teeth are looking a lot whiter thanks to some great new whitening toothpaste.  And I know that my facial structure comes from my first father and my first mother.  I've always loved my eyes, but now there's another reason why I love them.  When I met my first father, the first thing I noticed was that he has the exact same eyes as me.  It's like looking in the mirror.  What an odd feeling.  Now when I look in the mirror I see that history there.  I see my heritage and my biological family reflected in my face.  I know this is a huge reason why I want to meet my first mother, so that I can see for myself our similarities.  Pictures just don't cut it.

I've been trying to be better to myself these past few weeks.  When I was looking in the mirror, I realized that I'm a lot more put together than I used to be just a few months ago.  I'm exercising.  My anxiety levels are a lot lower.  I'm more relaxed because I'm getting out my pent up energy.  I need to work on the sleep thing, but I'm getting there.  I've been a friendly person to be around and I'm more likely to smile on my own rather than forcing it.  I'm eating right.  I'm putting on (good) weight.  Meals are no longer an epic battle.  How exhausting that was...  I'm doing things that I enjoy and spending more time with my extended family.  I have my hard days for sure and I'll always have my hard days.  But I'm managing a lot better.

It really is true.  I got some great advice about being happy.  "Fake it 'til you make it".  I never thought it would work.  But I tried.  I made myself smile more.  I faked a good mood even when I really didn't feel like it.  I forced positive energy into my life when I wanted to lie down and give up.  And suddenly, I seem to find myself happier without really trying.  The changes I've been making in my life recently are starting to pay off.  I'm trimming out the negativity and added in things that are good for me in their place.  It's working so far, and I hope to keep it up.

I like the girl in the mirror these days.  I want to keep liking her...

Patience

I just need to hit Send

I'm not the world's most patient person.  It's something that I have to work on in myself.  When I set a goal, I want to complete it yesterday.  I love the thrill of tackling something and getting it done.  But I can be a little bit lazy and not want to put in the work, or the time.  I like it when people get right back to me.  That's probably why I have a hard time waiting around for responses from people.  Like I said, I need to work on that.

I've been pretty proud of myself.  I set a goal to run a 5K in the spring.  Now, I still have a long way to go.  I started a 10 week training program which is going to take me longer than ten weeks.  However, I'm now done with Week 3 and I'm doing pretty well with the whole thing.  I'll admit to feeling like I was never going to make it this far.  I'm determined to finish this program out, even if it's a week longer right now because I couldn't handle the jump this week.  But I just need to keep reminding myself that this is about me and nobody else.  If I need to slow it down a bit, it's only going to affect me.  Running nearly a mile (not counting walking breaks) is pretty amazing.  I'll get there eventually.  And I'm sticking with it.  I'm learning to be patient.  You see, I want to run a 5K tomorrow.  I want to be in shape, yesterday.  I want to be able to throw on a pair of running shoes and get out there on the road and not feel like my lungs are going to burst.  Because I'm pretty sure that's what it would feel like if I did that today.  So I have to keep reminding myself that I need to get my lungs into shape and pump up my legs a bit before I can just go for a run without so much structure.  I'll get there.  I'm making huge strides.  My dance teacher noticed this week and commented about how I was a lot stronger than even last week.  I have more energy and I overall feel better.  I feel so much better on days when I run.  But I tend to forget that at times because it doesn't always feel like I'm progressing when I struggle to run for more than two minutes at a time.

I'm similarly impatient with myself lately.  I wrote that email to my first mother.  And then I hit "Save" rather than "Send".  It's been sitting in my draft folder for a while now.  I've even gone back to rewrite a few bits and pieces of it.  I want to have the courage to send it now and get it over with.  I'm not an indecisive person.  However, with this, I just can't seem to hit the send button and it has be wondering.  Maybe it's that I know I'll be waiting around to hear from her.  I know that it's silly, but sometimes I have to wait a week and other times a month before she gets back to me.  And that really can test my patience.  I also don't know how the whole thing is going to work with my first father.  He's been a bit MIA lately, but I don't know if he'll be even more MIA if I upset my first mother, which this email has the potential to do.  He's made it very clear to me that when it comes down to picking sides, he'll pick her's every time.  That's hard to hear, but completely true and understandable.  I haven't asked him to pick sides yet.  I've pushed at times for sure, but I've always backed down.  I don't think there's ever been a real situation where he's had to figure out how to deal with my first mother and I on a serious level, like me asking her to meet would do.  I don't want him involved at all, but I know that he's going to be.

I need to figure out if I want to send that email.  I can't have it chilling in my drafts folder, glaring at me every time I check my email.  I need to work on my patience, but I don't want to push it too much.  OK, I'm going to stop rambling right now and go stretch out for a bit.  If I can't make progress on one part of my life, at least I have other goals and things to work towards!

Request to Meet

It continues...

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm working on an email to my first mother asking her to meet.  It's been two years (weird) as of yesterday from when I sent my first letter to her.  We started emailing shortly thereafter (well, it took a month) and it lasted through the end of the summer.  In all that time, I never asked her to meet.

While that may sound weird, I did ask for other things.  I was taking baby steps.  First, I asked her to tell my first father about me.  She didn't.  Next, I asked her to speak to me on the phone.  She said she would, but didn't.  Each time she'd apologize and I honestly think she was being sincere.  She's not a bad person, just unsure of what to do next.  She was afraid of how her life could change and could only focus on the bad stuff.  She told me this (I add this so that people don't think that I'm trying to guess what she was thinking - this isn't a blog about my first mother's thoughts and feelings, it's about my thoughts and feelings and my perception of things).  Anyway, I asked to talk on the phone and when she finally told me she couldn't do it, things ended shortly thereafter.  I always assumed that we'd have to talk on the phone first before meeting.  I'm realizing now that doesn't have to happen. Nothing has to happen.  There are no rules.  We make it up as we go along.

I never explained to my first mother why I want to meet her.  I never actually went there.  I was so caught up in the phone call thing and trying to move forward that I never took the time to explain to her why it was so important.  Who knows what she's thinking or feeling about it, but she never heard from me why it's so important that I meet her.  It might not make one bit of a difference.  But maybe, just maybe it will.

I love my first mother very much.  I've been hurt by her actions before, badly.  I've been told things that I never wanted to be told, and I've had to face some harsh truths.  Yet, I still love her.  I still want to meet her.  And I still dream about her.  In the latest dream I met her in a coffee shop.  She was with KungFuPanda and they just happened to wander into the same coffee shop as me.  I don't like coffee.  NeverTooLate told me she doesn't like it either.  So weird.

My point being, I'm working on that email.  I'm going to tell her why it's so important for me to meet her, and why it can't wait.  I have to believe that if nothing else, at least I'll know that I gave it my all.  I tried everything.  I made every attempt, and I told her how I felt.  I can't believe I never told her why it was so important before. I'm going to fix that now.  It might have an impact, but I'm not going to hold my breath.  It doesn't mean that I can't try thought...

Reevaluating My Goals

I was proud of this picture lol

I have a thing about goals.  I feel they need to be reevaluated every once and a while to keep them relevant.  And to hold myself accountable...  I have a problem with that.  Lately I've been noticing that I have a problem with finishing things.  I don't know if this has been going on for a while and I never noticed it, or if it's a new thing.  But as a way to keep myself on track, I'm going to do my best to reevaluate my goals at the start of each month and possibly change them if they need tweeking.  Again, I'm a work in progress.

1. Read at least one book a month - Read several in January
2. Take my cousins to the movies just because
3. Do yoga Exercise at least three times a week - Tweeking this one, adding in running to my exercise routine
4. Comment on each blog that I follow at least once a month - May have missed a few but I stepped up my commenting
5. Meet my first mother
6. Clean out my closet, including the back shelves
7. Go on an amazing vacation - Booked and half planned
8. Learn to cook three dinner dishes really well - Chicken Parm
9. Learn two new skills
10. Post several book reviews on the blog - Found was posted this month
11. Relax more
12. Be more creative with my photography - I'm getting there
13. Visit a new place I've never been to
14. Meet new people and make new friends
15. Go out on the town one night I feel like staying in
16. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
17. Pay off at least half of my loans - Getting there
18. Get an apartment - Looking into condos
19. Learn the names of the people who sit around me at work
20. Live life to the fullest

I have twenty goals and I've managed to make progress on nine of them.  I'd say that that's a pretty successful month!  This next month I'm focusing on getting back into shape.  I've started running (barely) but at least I have a schedule.  My exercise goal is to be in 5K running shape by May.  If I can do that, I'll count running as a skill.  We'll see how that one goes.

My book this month is going to be an adoption related book.  I want to post a review about it and update the resource page.  I have a bunch of books that I ordered and got, but I got sucked into the drama of my non-reunion so I put them away for now.  I think it's time to break them back out and hit the pavement again.  I don't want to take a break from this stuff because it's helping.  And it's a long term thing that I need to work on.  I have to put the work in now with this adoption crap so I'll do better tomorrow.  That's what I tell myself anyway.

Seeing as it's February (and the second anniversary of sending that first letter to my first mother), I'm going to be writing my first mother an email asking her to consider meeting me.  I've never actually asked her to meet me, so I'm going to put it out there.  I have a feeling she'll say no.  And then I'm going to have to ask again, only a bit more forcefully.  But I think it's time that I put it out there to her.  So I'm going to start working on it.  It's been two years.  It's time for us to meet.

So I'm making progress.  I still have a long way to go.  Maybe this month I'll actually get something crossed off my list.  Wish me luck!

Response to Comments From Found

Last Sunday I posted about Found by Jennifer Lauck.  Amazing book!  Recommend it to everyone!  I really enjoyed the book tour (my first one) and I learned a lot reading all the posts and comments.  I've been avoiding a lot of adoption stuff this week but I'm starting to feel better about things after getting my email so I'm trying to go back through all the blogs on the tour (there were thirty) and comments (I missed a bunch the first time around).

It took me three browsers (thanks Mozilla for finally working!) before I could respond to each comment (thanks Blogger for making that change) but there were a few comments that I thought deserved their own blog post.

For starters, Melynda from Letters to Ms Feverfew (awesome first mom!) sent this over:

"Just making the rounds to all of the participants in the book tour so please forgive the copy and paste job. :)
As I have read every single book tour participant's blog posts (haven't commented on all of them, but I have read them all!), I have been longing for a way that we could standardize our impressions, etc. Would you be willing to rate this book on a scale from one to five, one being the lowest and five being the highest. Also, would you recommend this book to others? Who? Can you sum up your feelings about the book in two or three sentences?
I can't help myself...I'm a mixed methods researchers and love to have numbers to go along with people's experiences!
Thanks so much for humoring me on this one.

Melynda"

 You're always forgiven Melynda!  If I had to rate this book, I'd give it a five.  My reasoning is this: it's not supposed to make you feel comfortable with adoption.  It's supposed to challenge the idea that adoption is always a wonderful thing.  It's the story of Jennifer's life.  You can't rewrite history.  It happened.  This book is Jennifer's truth.  So even though it might make some feel uncomfortable or make them question their views, it's Jennifer's truth and thus should be read as such.  How can you not read a book about someone's truth?  Highest recommendation from me to everyone (as I mentioned in my post).

Finally, I got this comment from Esperanza, and I really wanted to give it a good answer because it's such a good comment.

"Dear Jenn,
Thank you so much for your thoughts and experiences on this. I found them incredibly insightful and well spoken. It is so important for everyone who is touched by adoption (which is everyone really, as we all know someone who has been adopted) to hear the words of adult (and child) adoptees. Thank you for your brave words.
I must admit, I found this section to be very thought provoking and I've been thinking about it a lot since I read it:
'My mother could have kept me. It would have been hard. It would have been challenging. But she could have made it work. She chose not to. It was about her. Just like my adoptive parents adopted me for them. It wasn’t about giving a baby a home; it was about finding a baby for their home. My adoption wasn’t about me. It was about everyone else.'
Ever since I read this part my head has been full of questions: Are there any situations in which an adoption is about the adoptee or is it inherently about all the other people involved? How is having a biological child about the child and not about having a child for a couple's home? Can a birth mother really never give up her child as an act of love or is it always selfish? I'm not trying to challenge your feelings on this I'm just curious what someone who has personal experience with the situation thinks about all of this. I have so many questions.
Thank you again for your brave words. They have touched me in ways I can't articulate."

OK, so lots to think about here, and I'm going to do my best to answer thoughtfully.  I do think that there are situations where adoption can be about the adoptee.  It happens.  I think it happens a lot in family adoptions.  Say I have kids.  And then the father and I tragically die.  And my sister adopts my kids so that they can stay in our family and not go to the foster system.  That's one example of when adoption is about the kids.  Unless my sister is the one who killed me so that she could adopt them.  I don't think she'd do that... Hehe!  Lots of examples here, but that's just one of them.  I just think that the majority of adoptions today are not about the adoptee.

Fantastic point about having a biological child!  You're 100% right that having a biological child isn't about the child, it's about the parents wanting a child, which is very similar to adoptive parents wanting a child and adopting for them rather than the child.  Great question to think about.  I offer this though... Have you ever heard a parent raising their biological child state that they had the child for that child's benefit?  I haven't.  It sounds very odd to me and ridiculous.  I have however heard adoptive parents say that they adopted to "save" the adoptee and that they sacrificed a lot for the adoptee.  I've also heard adoptive parents raise themselves up akin to sainthood for adopting.  Not all adoptive parents are like this (THANK GOODNESS!) and I have to say that I've met some amazing adoptive parents who aren't like this and I love them so much for it.  But there's a special bunch out there (who I highly doubt are reading this).  So I think that's the major difference to me.  As an adoptee, I'm supposed to be grateful for things that other people aren't.  I'm supposed to be grateful for having good parents.  I've never heard that statement made to someone who wasn't adopted.

I do think there are first mothers out there who give up their child and it comes from a loving place.  Or that at least they think it's coming from a loving place at the time.  I've heard stories of mothers who had health reasons and felt they couldn't give their child a mother for a long time.  It happens.  That's just one example.  I do however think that a lot of mothers assume that their children are better off without them.  I think this is a bad assumption.  And on the other hand, there are plenty of mother's out there who are selfish.

My mother didn't give me away as an act of love.  She didn't want to parent me.  She never seriously considered parenting me.  I don't assume this.  She told me.  I have proof (just not going to post her words here because I don't want to invade her privacy).  She told me that she didn't want to hold me even though the nurses encouraged her to.  She told me that she never saw me because she didn't want to.  She told me that she wasn't my mother.  She gave birth to me, yes, but no, she wasn't my "mother".  In the two years I've "known" her, she has never once said that she loves me.  The closest she ever got was telling me that she hopes all my dreams come true.  And that she prays for me.  She refused to talk to me on the phone.  She won't meet me.  Having me was the biggest mistake of her life, and giving me away was the best thing she could have done for both her and me.  Yes, she said all of this more than once.  Yes, my first father confirmed later that that's how she really feels, she wasn't just saying those things.  We don't want to think about "those" mothers, but they are out there.  Mine's one of them.  Does that make her a bad person?  Not at all.  In fact, I think she's a fantastic person when it comes to anything other than me.  Add me to the mix, and she turns into someone else.  C'est la vie.

So those are my thoughts in an extremely long blog post.  But I felt like an amazing comment deserved at least a full answer because those questions really got me thinking and I wanted to respond.  Thank you for your thoughts and for asking questions!  I appreciate it so much that you took the time to ask.  Not everyone would have.

Follow Up: NeverTooLate

Thank you all for your support these last few weeks.  I've gotten lots of feedback (and not just here).  I was really nervous last week about posting about potentially forcing NeverTooLate's hand.  I was afraid of what a lot of first mothers and adoptive parents would think about that idea.  I figured that no first mother would think it was a good idea.  And that adoptive parents would say to err on the side of caution.  It was really mind blowing to me when it seemed like everyone was behind me.  And everyone was on my side!  I don't typically get that in my life.  My mom is amazing, but she never took my side before.  My aunts are great (and are the new role models in my life) but they never took my side either.  Everyone in real life has been telling me to be patient.  And to wait.  And that I don't have a right to barge into her life.  So it was different for me to see that at least a few people think that I deserve to have the opportunity to meet my first mother on my terms.

It also blew me away that so many people took the time to comment and email me.  It showed me that random strangers (well, not super random and not exactly "strangers" anymore) cared enough to reach out and offer words of support and helpful suggestions.  It really means/meant a lot to me!

So I wanted to say thanks.  As I said before, I'm not in a position to make that move right now.  But I'm hoping to be in a better place by the summer.  And I'm not letting anyone stop me once I make up my mind.  I don't care if my first father flips out.  I don't care in my first mother never wants to see me again afterward.  I want to move forward with my life, and the only way I can do that is to meet her.

For now, I'm shelving this.  I've got loads of stuff going on right now.  I'm hoping that some stuff works itself out, I work out some other stuff, and I can get to a better place.  Once that happens (and some of it is completely dependent on other people), then I'm going to write my first mother an email and let her know how I feel.  I'm going to tell her why I want to meet her, and why I'd rather not wait.  I'm going to flat out ask her to meet me.  And I'm going to send it and see if she responds.  I'm going to give her a month to write me back.  If she doesn't respond or responds badly, then I'm going to either show up, or try to email her one more time and tell her that she can either meet me in a way that works for her, or I'll just show up.  I haven't decided yet, and I'll probably figure it out based on the response.  We'll see.

Should it come down to me just showing up, I don't think I'll go to their house.  Sandlot is 14.  She'll be 15 over the summer, but she's still very young.  And my maternal grandparents live in the same house, just a different apartment.  And I don't want to deal with them right now.  So showing up at the house probably would be a horrible horrible idea.  I know where she works, so I could always show up there.  Problem in that is that she's afraid she'll lose her job if they find out about me (oh the joys of being Catholic).  So she could flip out A LOT if I show up at her work, even if I claim to be a niece (which I could do if I meant I got to meet her).  But I do have options.  Lots of options.  So we'll see.  I'll figure it out eventually.  Like I said, it's going on the mental shelf right now and it will be pulled out again, probably in a few months.

Thank you again for reading and commenting and emailing.  I so honestly appreciate it!  You guys are the best!

What to Do About NeverTooLate?

Ugly topic needs a pretty picture

I've been thinking about what this whole not caring anymore thing means to me.  There were a lot of things that I couldn't do before because I didn't want to upset my first father.  Having a relationship with him was more important to me that accomplishing some of my other goals because I made him a top priority.  But now that I don't particularly care about the whole thing the way that I used to, I have a whole lot of other options that have been opened up for me.  I'm not going to act on anything right now (anything I do should be for the right reason, not as a reaction to him hurting me the way he did).  But I still have several options to consider.

First of all, I want to meet my first mother.  I couldn't force her hand before because of my first father.  Well, I don't have to worry about that anymore.  I was willing to wait a long time to meet her.  I don't have to now.  I'm thinking that this summer is an option.  As I've said before, I want to meet my first mother while my adoptive mother is still alive.  I want to be able to go home to see my mom, the one who raised me and who means the world to me.  And I do feel that I need to meet my first mother in order to move forward with my life.  I need to be able to move on and I can't do that without meeting her.  It will always be hanging over my head.  And I'm just a little be encouraged by the fact that she stood up for me.  Maybe she doesn't hate me after all...

So I am considering my options.  I just might pull a "We're going to meet.  We could do this so that it works for you and meet somewhere you won't be recognized and when you can get away from your family without them asking major questions, or I could just show up.  You're choice".  I couldn't do that before because it would seriously tick off my first father, who's protective of her, but not me.  Yes, he went there once and told me that.  But now I don't have to worry about him.  To be clear, I never wanted it to come down to this.  I never wanted that.  I wanted her to want to meet me.  I wanted to wait.  But I can't have this hanging over my head.  I want it done and over with.  I want to move on.

I feel like I need to move on from this place.  I feel like this whole experiment failed.  I made an honest go with NeverTooLate, and she didn't want to know me.  She doesn't want to hear my voice.  She doesn't want to see me.  She just wants to pretend I don't exist, except apparently on the holidays when the guilt gets to her.  I tried again with my first father, even though I'd been warned that married first parents are less likely to want contact. For over a year, I gave it my all.  I broke down walls that I had put in place to protect myself from getting hurt. And it only took him a little over a month to completely crush me.

Going back isn't an option.  The only thing to do is to move forward.  I'll always be adopted.  I'll always deal with these core issues.  And I'll always have another family out there.  But I'm also always going to be someone's dirty little secret, their source of shame.  I didn't do anything wrong.  I never asked for this.  And I certainly shouldn't have to deal with such a horrible fall out all because I wanted to know where I came from.  I truly believe that the best way to move forward is to meet my first mother and move on with my life.  If the email thing works with my first father, we'll see what happens.  But I honestly don't know how much more heartache I can take.

We'll see what happens.  Like I said, I don't want to be reactionary.  I just want to be able to move on.

Apology Email

So I wrote yesterday's post on Friday so that I could take a break for the weekend and go away for a mini-vacation with my school family.  I had a wonderful talk with my school Mommy on Saturday night.  I told her what's been going on and she helped me to figure a lot of things out.  She had some amazing advice for me.  She told me that I was taking on too much.  It's too much for a normal person to handle.  So she suggested that I take a break from things for a while and focus on myself.  She could see that I'm not doing to well with the whole reunion and other issues, and she wants me to take better care of me.

So I decided that I'm going to make a huge effort to do that from here on out.  She liked that I made it so that my emails wouldn't come through to my inbox.  She liked that I was going to deal with my reunion in small doses rather than big disappointing ones.  And she got 100% why I was upset.  I love my school Mommy.

So we had this lovely talk.  And when I woke up the next morning, I checked my special folder one more time to say goodbye in a way for a little while.  I wasn't planning on it, but I needed to put it to rest so I could really make a fresh start.  And naturally there was an apology email in there, that had been sent the morning before.

My first mother it seems stood up for me.  SinginInTheRain told NeverTooLate what had gone down between us (I'm guessing this happened Friday night).  She told him he was an idiot.  She explained that there were other solutions.  He could delete text messages.  Ask that I only text him while he's at work.  The light bulb went off and he knows he's an idiot.  He said he was sorry.  He explained that he's new to this and it's hard for him.  He understood if I didn't want to talk to him.

Wow.  I was amazed.  It was exactly what he should have sent a week earlier.  But at least he sent it.  And my first mother stood up for me.  That was pretty amazing too.  Because I don't trust her I'm inclined to think she had an ulterior motive (as long as I'm talking to one of them they have the upper hand) but I can pretend for a little bit.

I emailed him back yesterday morning.  I thanked him for the email and told him I appreciated the apology.  I explained that yes I had been hurt and that it had taken me a long time to trust him.  So it was a double wammy for me.  I also explained that I have a lot going on right now, and I'm not in a great place.  I asked him to give me a little space for now and maybe we can try the email thing and see how it goes.  I asked him what he thought about that, and hit send.

We'll see.  I can't text him right now.  Just the idea hurts too much.  And I have so much going on.  I'm making some changes in my life regarding my boyfriend.  I can't deal with boyfriend drama and reunion drama at the same time.  Add to this that my sister moved home for good this past weekend.  That's a blog post in itself.  I have a funny feeling I'll be moving out by Spring.  The point is, it's too much for right now.  It's too much right before the holidays.  We've given up on the decorations.  It's not going to happen this year.  We'll probably get a tree, but it won't be the same as usual.  I've got two more gifts to buy and the shopping will be done, but everything needs to be wrapped.  And soon.

Too much drama, too much to handle, and not enough time in the day to figure it all out.  So I'm putting my reunion on the back burner for the rest of the month.  I think it can sit for a month.  And honestly I don't know how to handle it.  There's no possibility of a phone call those weeks either.  My first father is going to be off for the last week or so, which means no calls, texting, or emails anyway.

I'm wiped out...

Taking Back Control Part 1

Trying to get back to peacefullness

I know I've said this before and failed miserably, but I've decided to take control of my life.  I think that life in general (and mine more specifically) is very complicated.  There are so many different layers and conditions and parts that it's hard to take control of them all.  And then there are certain things that are out of our control.  What's that saying again?  Thanks to Google and Wikipedia we have:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

There you have it.  But there are things that I can change.  I just haven't been recognizing that lately.  So I'm going to break it down and figure out what I need to work at a little harder right now.

Mom situation
My mother is really holding her own.  She's been doing great and improving.  Her doctors finally found a good combination for her medication and she's able to do more these days than in the past.  She's acting more like her old self during the day.  There's nothing I can do to control this situation, but I am able to make things easier for her at home.  I do have control over the little things.  And I do those things.  Which means Christmas shopping and leaving laundry out for her to do (it's her one chore and makes her happy -- weird right?).  So control?  I'll call that a check!

Sister
We're finally starting to get along better.  We have a common enemy in the Grinch.  So things are a lot less stressful when she's around.  I still stand by the fact we get along better when we don't live together, but she's finally back in her own apartment.  So hopefully things will continue to go well.  I have managed to control my reaction to her.  I treat her with indifference and make my expectations clear.  Example: I made it very clear she is not to drive my car.  I'm indifferent to the situation as long as she doesn't touch my car.  That being said, last time she tried, she called me a bitch and refused to speak to me for two weeks.  I treated that situation with indifference.  She knows the expectation and knows she can't rattle me for attention.  Therefore, when I asked if she wanted to go to a concert with me in the spring, she agreed.  I wasn't holding onto the car thing, she saw that, and we moved on.  It's a much better situation.

Rudy
Oh boy.  How to tackle this one... We have a rough plan.  He knows that our current situation isn't working for me.  He knows I'm not going to budge on that.  He also knows that while he's the most important person to me, I've been very clear from day one about my expectations about certain things (like geography).  We're working through it.  I'm not sure how things are going to turn up.  All I know is I'm not going to make it over two years of long distance.  I'm done with the whole thing and it's only been six months.  I used to tell people that if you really care about a person, you find a way to make it work.  And I still believe that to some extent.  But I also believe that it's extremely hard to go through the toughest part of your life to date alone because your significant other is living three hours away and can't be there.  I've also learned that it takes two to tango.  We're still up in the air.  We have a lot to figure out.  And my situation at home isn't helping.  Neither are his parents who have been trying to control his life.  But we're working.  So I'd say this is half way under control.  Not quite there, but getting there.

The Grinch
I've decided that's his new nickname.  It's a movie and sums up how I feel about him these days.  This post is already long, so I'm tackling this one in it's own post tomorrow.  I have lots to say.

I've Got A Problem

I've decided to make some changes in my life.  I can't let my life get back to that point again.  I just won't let it happen.  So that means that I've got some work to do.  I still don't know about my sister situation, but I'm making these changes for me.  I need to be more in control, more the captain of my own ship type of thing.  And the first step to making changes so that my life gets better is to figure out where things went so wrong before.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this.  Because things got ten times worse after my birthday.  So then I thought about my wonderful visit.  And it was wonderful.  But my first father threw me for a loop, and he brought up my first mother.  And what a wonderful person she is.  Which prompted me to reread her first few emails.  Which sent me further into a tail spin.  And I think I found my issue.

I want to meet my first mother.  I've always wanted to meet her.  I've always wanted to just sit down and talk to her.  See her in person.  Hear her voice.  I don't care what we talk about, I just want to talk to her.  I want to fill in those missing pieces that emails just don't fill.  I've always known this.

But here's what I figured out.  I want to meet her while my mom is still alive.  I want to be able to go home to my mom and know that it all worked out in the end.  I want that support from my mom, who's always been there for me.  I need my mom to be there for me, even if she can't come and meet my first mother with me like she always promised she would.

I don't know how much time my mom has left.  It could be a year, it could be ten years from now.  She could die tomorrow if she suffers another complication.  Then again, we all could get hit by a bus tomorrow (or even today).  My point is, this whole "You'll get to meet everyone, it just might take some time" thing isn't working out very well for me.  It's a marathon and not a sprint, but this one thing just seems so big and so important.  It feels like I've already run three marathons and ended on the last mile without finishing.

I want to meet my first mother and I want to meet her within the next year.  That's just not going to happen.  Once again, I'm getting the short end of the stick here.  At least now I've figured out my problem.  I just need to figure out what to do about it.  I need to find a way to not let it get me down again.  I need to find a way to put it behind me and move on.  Some dreams just aren't meant to come true.  Then again, you never know...

The Cycle Could Continue

Something that has always struck me was when one member of the "Triad" (stupid name, makes me think of a gang) participates in adoption as second time around.  They continue the cycle so to speak.  I'm not saying it's a bad thing; I'm choosing to withhold judgement.  I do think that an adoptee would make a better adoptive parent in that they in theory should understand what the adoptee is going through.  Rebecca over at Love Is Not a Pie is someone who comes to mind.  Another part of me wonders though if every adoptee things about adoption differently (of this I am convinced) then who's to say that an adoptee adoptive parent won't force their views on an adoptling?  It could happen.  Anyway, that is why I withhold judgement.  I can see pros and cons.  Moving on....

So it's an interesting concept.  And something that I think about from time to time.  I don't know enough about it.  And then I was rereading some old emails and letters and something that NeverTooLate emailed me stopped me dead in my tracks.

"[The girls] both say they don’t want to get married.  The funny thing is that they both talk about adopting a baby and not having one the other way."

Interesting.  Very interesting.  My sisters both talk about adopting a baby.  Now, the first thing that came into my head is that they were 12 and 15 at the time.  What 12 year old wants to get married?  I probably said the same thing at that age.  But I keep thinking about how that conversation must have gone down in their house.  How painful it must have been for NeverTooLate to have that conversation and know that she was hiding a huge adoption secret from them.  What could have been a teachable moment was instead probably an uncomfortable one.

My sisters, my full biological sisters who do not know how adoption has already touched their family, might continue the cycle without realizing it.  They might adopt without knowing that they have a sister they lost through adoption.  Because they did lose.  Those two girls lost the older sister they could have grown up with.  They lost having a big sister to cheer them on when they accomplished things, like KungFuPanda's acceptance into college this week, or Sandlot's softball win last year.  They lost having someone with a similar personality hanging around the house.  KungFuPanda lost dating advice and Sandlot lost someone to share her favorite candy with (again, arguably better for her that way -- more candy for her!).  No matter what way you look at it, they lost something because of adoption.  Would they feel the same way about adopting if they knew that?

Would they see a child who is a blank slate, or would they be more likely to see the family behind the child who lost the ability to raise them?  Would they see the need for a child (not the old fashioned way) or would they see a child who had a need for a family?  Would they feel differently about the whole thing?  I'm guessing probably.

I hope they know about me before it gets to that point.  I hope I've had the opportunity to talk to them and to be a part of their lives by the time they start thinking of having children.  I hope that by getting to know me, and learning about the loss in their own lives, they may start to see that adoption is not black and white.  While I would support my sisters in anything, even if I didn't approve, I would hope they would understand that their family has suffered, and take that into consideration.  If they chose to adopt, I would hope it was because they truly needed to, rather than because they just didn't feel like having kids "the other way".

First Letter

It's a rocky path

I'm still waiting for my first mother to email me back after I emailed her two weeks ago.  I've gotten emails back from her a month after my email, so it's not super odd.  It's just annoying this time because I want to order my email book from my first mother.  I love the one that I got of the emails between my first father and I, and I want that for my first mother.

I've been reading through some of the old emails and boy is it interesting.  I do that every once and a while but each time I remember a new snippet or gain a new insight.  I feel like I understand her a lot better now.  It would be so much easier if I could hate her.  It really would.  But I can't.  And I didn't understand why when my first father told me she was a great person, I understood.  Because she didn't treat me very well at the end.  But then I went back and reread some things, and I knew why it made sense to me when he said that.  Because the woman who started emailing me back in February of 2010 was very different than the one who closed the door on me.  It was nice to see the happy, and good side of her, even if just through those first emails.

I also can't believe how much I've grown over the last (nearly) two years.  I don't think I would have written the first letter the same way.  For kicks, here's a part of what I wrote:

My mother and I recently had a conversation where she offered to help me find you. She confessed it was partially selfish on her part as she wanted the opportunity to thank you for everything that you have given her. It made me think about how much I wanted to thank you for what you did for me. This was something that I needed to do on my own, but it made me realize just how much support I have. I guess what it comes down to is that I need you to know that I grew up loved and safe, and I can never thank you enough for this gift.

I don't think that I would have written that part the same way.  Then again, maybe I would have.  I don't know.  I've learned a lot over the last year or so.  I've gotten to know more adoptees, more adoptive parents, and more first mothers.  I've learned about issues surrounding adoption, and I've learned how to handle things in my own life better.  I may not be able to fix them, but recognizing you have a problem is the first big hurdle to cross.

It's been a long journey.  And it's not over.  This is something that I will be dealing with for the rest of my life.  I can only hope that the work that I have put in, and will continue to put into it will eventually help to smooth the way.  I've gotten a few of the big rocks cleared, a few of the little ones, but there's a lot more work to be done.  There are more hurdles to jump.  I just keep reminding myself that it's a marathon, not a sprint, and I have a long road ahead.  But I know I'm not in it alone, no matter how much it can feel like that some days.  I have some great people supporting me, who are behind me.  My letter reminded me of that.  So I'll come out a stronger person.  I know I will.  And I will survive this mess.

Another To Do List

I've got lots of things to work on and not enough time to do it all.  That's ok, I'm sure this stuff will get done at one point or another.  And the nice thing about this list is that every item is a nice-to-have, not a need-to-have (with the exception of the 2011 Interview Project).  Need-to-have's are a lot more stressful.  Like seriously stressful.  I can get this stuff done at my own pace.  I do have some ideas as to when I want to get it done, but it's not like I'm under the wire.  I really like this whole no-deadline thing.  I'm not used to it.  I'm used to churning out a ten page paper in two days because it's due in two days.  I'm used to banging out a coding project because I have to get it done by Friday OR ELSE.  So this is nice.  Sort of.

Note: I got paired up with Unofficial Mom for the Interview Project!  Check out her blog if you have a minute (very cute)!  http://unofficialmom.blogspot.com/ I'm working on my interview questions to send soon and I'm happy with the way my list is shaping up so far.  Nearly there!