Exercise Update

If you squint, this is a treadmill

I've been keeping up with my exercising and boy does it feel good!  When I started my ten week program, I felt like I was going to give it my all, but probably wouldn't manage to make it through the whole thing.  When I was honest with myself, I didn't think I was going to make it past Week 2.  I pushed through, made adjustments, and powered on.

The first few weeks were brutal.  I barely made it through my workouts.  I felt discouraged but tried to think about my goals.  I was determined not to give up.  I had told my parents, friends, and Rudy about my goal.  I posted about it here.  I didn't want to feel like a failure or let anyone down.  So I pushed on.  Around Week 4 my lungs stopped burning.  I stopped paying such strict attention to the clock.  I started to see some major benefits.

Not only did I feel stronger, but I was noticing a major difference.  Others were too and I started getting comments from those who knew what to look for.  My dancing was stronger.  My legs started to plump up.  I was handling stairs much easier.  And I started to feel better mentally too.  I started to have a better attitude, and it was something I noticed a lot.  It started to get easier to relax.  I wasn't as depressed as I had been.  Things started to fall into place.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped counting week numbers.  I have to look it up to see which week I'm on to know how long to run for.  Every week I do another set of intervals until I can run for 20 minutes straight.  I just finished Week 7 out of 10.  I'm getting there, even if I did have to add an extra week (so it's like I'm on Week 8 of 11).

I took a few days off because I didn't feel so great last week.  I had to do all my running back to back three days in a row instead of spreading it out.  I was really nervous about it because I had taken so many days off and it was a considerable jump in how long I was running (which for me is really jogging) verses how much I was walking.  I was nervous.  But I needed to run.  I was so wound up from not running for days that I felt like if I didn't run, I was going to lose my mind.  And I got on the treadmill and started.  I kept going and before I knew it, I was done.  I felt like I could have easily kept going, but I knew to stop so that I wouldn't hurt myself and I'd be alright to run the next night.  It felt great!

Before what had seemed like a crazy goal is now slowly coming into focus as a lifestyle.  It's not just something that I'm doing to prove a point, but rather something that I can do for me.  The more I run, the better I'm getting at recovering afterward.  I used to run and feel like I couldn't do anything for a long time afterward because my legs were so tired.  The other night I ran and then cleaned my entire room (which hadn't been really cleaned in weeks).  Tonight my plan is to run and go through some paperwork I've been avoiding.  I'm trying to accomplish one extra thing after I run so we'll see how that goes.  Maybe I'll start to feel more productive.

I'm taking advantage of the extra energy I have from the nerves and excitement of meeting my first mother.  If I have extra energy from this, then I'm going to use it to benefit me.  I'm not going to let it ruin my life for the next week or so.  I feel like that happened a bit before I met my first father.  I feel like I lost that time.  I'm determined not to let that happen again.  I'm going to be healthy about it this time.  And after I meet her, well, then I'll figure the rest of this stuff out.  I'll save that for after my face to face reunion with her.  Until then, I'll be running and thinking about when I'm going to run my 5K.  I'm getting closer and now I can actually feel in my heart that I can do it!  Wish me luck!

Be Grateful! Yeah Right...

I don't think there isn't a searching or reunited adoptee out there who hasn't been told at some point or another that they should be grateful for what they have.  I hate that word.  Grateful for what?  Having two parents who decided that they didn't want to raise me?  Or having two parents who chose to raise me?  It was their decision, not mine.  Had they not raised me, someone else would have.  Should I be grateful they were good parents?  Shouldn't everyone be grateful for that?  I didn't have a choice in the matter.  I didn't pick them.  I had no say.  Just like a person raised by their biological parents had no say in the matter of being born.  It just doesn't work that way.  If I should be grateful, then so should they.  But somehow I doubt that someone who was not adopted who didn't have a horribly traumatic childhood would be told to be grateful at any point.  Because why should they be?

I consider myself to be lucky to have ended up with the family that I did.  I love them very much and I am glad that if I had to be adopted, that I was adopted by them.  But I am not grateful for being adopted.  I'm grateful to my parents for putting a roof over my head after I graduated from college so that I could put that money towards my loans (and at the end of the year towards a down-payment on a condo).  They didn't have to do that for me.  My adoption had nothing to do with it.  They would have done that for me if I was their biological daughter.  And I would have been grateful all the same.  See the difference?  It's a nuance that not everyone picks up on, but it's there.  But nothing changes the fact that I will never be grateful for being born and ending up with the family I was placed with.  Those things just happened.  That's just how it goes.

Regardless of adoption, I don't think that children should have to be grateful to their parents for bringing them into this world.  Here's my reasoning.  Most people have children because they want them.  There are people out there who do not want children (my first parents fell into that category when I was born).  Some of those children are adopted, some are raised poorly, and others are raised well.  But for the majority of people, their parents wanted to have children.  I know that out of all my cousins (who are all biologically related), only one of them (that I know of) wasn't planned on and that cousin isn't loved any differently than anybody else.  A few may have been one too many than originally planned on (there are two sets of twins), but my aunts and uncles were all trying to have kids, with the exception of one, possibly two.  So what that means is that they weren't brought into the world because it was what was best for them.  After all, until they were born they didn't really exist anyway (you can replace born with whatever you feel appropriate; I just don't feel like getting into those semantics here).  So should they feel grateful that their parents wanted children?  I don't think that's a fair thing to say.

I also think that for any child who was intentionally added to a family, either through birth or adoption, the stakes are higher.  The parents made a decision to add to their family.  They knew that would mean putting a roof over their child's head.  They knew it would mean feeding and clothing them.  They knew it would mean teaching them right from wrong and everything in between.  They knew it would be a huge responsibility.  So I don't think they should get to whine and complain about it later.  I don't think that they should get to tell their children "After all I've done for you..."  It's just not fair.

I'm not talking about being disrespectful to your parents.  And I'm not talking about not being thankful for what you have if you have a good situation.  I'm all for that.  But that's up to the person.  I can feel thankful but I would never tell someone else that they have to feel that way too.  It's just not how it all works.  So I don't think that any parent should be able to tell their children that they should be grateful for how they were raised.  Especially their adult children.  I just don't think it's right.

I don't think it's fair for my friend's mother's cousin to tell me that I should be grateful for my adoptive parents.  Who they do not know.  Because that's just how adoption is.  I automatically should be grateful.  But here's the thing.  I'm not automatically grateful.  If you want me to be grateful for you, you need to work at it.  You have to do something above and beyond.  My parents did not adopt me for my sake.  They adopted because they wanted a child.  That's the simple truth.  They are fantastic people, but they are not saviors, nor have they ever expected to be treated that way.  I was the solution to their fertility issues.  And to their credit, they've never asked me to be grateful for my adoption.  Not once.  I've been told to be grateful for other things (like the annoying itchy sweaters I was given as a gift as a small child but didn't like), but never for my own adoption.  So I do not appreciate other people telling me to be grateful.  It's unwanted and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop.

And before you assume that this post is because I don't have good adoptive parents, I'm coming to see that I'm very lucky with the parents that I have.  My parents freely gave me things, without strings.  They moved to a suburban town so that my sister and I could get a good education.  They made sacrifices for us.  Later, my mother confessed that looking back, she would do things differently because the town we moved to was a tough town to grow up in at times.  The point is, my parents made a lot of choices for me and my sister and sacrificed.  They drove further to work and worked longer hours so that my sister and I could get the best start and have the best chance to make something of ourselves.  They wanted to open as many doors as they could for us.  And they never once have told me that I "owe" them for any of it.  I'm not expected to pay them back.  I'm not expected to do anything.  I've never been spoken down to because I made a decision my parents didn't like.  And I know people (adoptive and biologically related to the parents who raised them) where this is not the case.  And I'm thankful that I have a good set of parents, but please never tell me to be grateful for them without knowing anything.

I guess my point is, telling another person to be grateful is probably not the best way to make friends.  And it's probably not going to actually make them feel grateful.

Music Sooths

I've been listening to a lot of music lately.  I love music and it's always been a huge part of my life.  I was dancing shortly after I learned to walk, so from an early age I was exposed to music in a way that not everyone is.  I learned to play the flute (not for me), the drums (loved 'em, hated the people I had to deal with to play), and the piano (my favorite).  I sang in the choir for a while before realizing that everyone would be better off it I spent my time doing something else.  I have a special talent for sight reading music.  I can read music and play it on the piano without too much trouble.  It may take me a while to get up to speed, but the first time I'd run through the piece wasn't as bad as it could have been.

With things feeling like they're a bit unstable at the moment, my poor i.Pod has been getting a serious work out.  I've been listening to all sort of music lately.  I've been working on branching out from my normal genre and seeing what else is out there.  I've grown to enjoy other genres lately and I've enjoyed getting to know other kinds of music.

I've become a huge L.ady G.aga.  I've been listening to her music a lot lately.  The melodies are catchy and I love some of the lyrics.  I think that some of her songs have a fantastic message and I listen to my favorites when I'm feeling particularly blue.

I've also been listening to a lot of music that's on my i.Pod from when I was younger.  I have "middle school" music on my i.Pod and I've been taking a trip down memory lane a lot lately.  It's funny because back then those songs were everything to me.  Now while they still bring a smile to my face, I don't feel compelled to play them over and over again like I did back then.

What's on your playlist these days?

My Take on the Top Five Regrets

Looking At Life

There's a fantastic article floating around on the web about the top five regrets of the dying.  I've read it a few times, and I've seen it posted on Facebook a few times.  It was featured on Lifehacker (my favorite blog for everyday random stuff).  I've been thinking a lot about these top five regrets.  I figured I'd tackle them one by one.

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard. 
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. 
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Sometimes when things like this come around, its helpful to use them as a mirror to life as its currently being lived.  I look at my life through this lens and try to see how I'm holding up verses the life that I want to be living.  I don't think that anyone wants to have these regrets at the end of their lives.  How am I doing with all of this?  I'm only twenty-four years old, but as I've learned the past year, we aren't guaranteed any time here.  I'm learning to live in the moment and not take life for granted.

I certainly have a ways to go with the first one.  I'm learning slowly how to live my authentic life, the life that I want to lead.  My town has a certain reputation and there was a lot of pressure on me to succeed in that environment.  I'll never forget that in eighth grade the guidance councilors from the public high school came to talk to us.  We were told that if we weren't planning on going to college then we should find another high school to go to.  I do think that college was the best choice for me, but I didn't really make that choice for myself.  I was told what to do and I did it.  My current job was the next step.  I like it, don't get me wrong.  But sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't have been better doing something else.

I'm a hard worker.  I go at things 110%.  There is no middle ground for me.  Right now it's not interfering with living my life.  I don't have a lot of commitments so my job doesn't get in the way.  I'm sure that's going to change in the future and I'll have to adjust.

The first step for number three is blogging here.  I'm learning to express what I feel and put complicated ideas into words.  I'm learning how to see things for how they really are and how to be accepting of that.  I can't change the past or undo my adoption or what happened with my first parents.  What I can do is learn to forgive them and heal from the most recent fresh batch of wounds.  I'll always have scars, but a scar is still a lot better than an open festering wound.

Number four is a huge problem for me.  My friends are all over.  I have friends in other continents and other states.  It's challenging to keep in tough with everybody and it's something that I struggle with.  It sounds awful but thank goodness for Facebook.  I'd be even more out of touch without it.

I'm trying so hard to let myself be a happy person.  I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to that.  It's funny because you'd think that I'd want to be happy.  And I do, don't get me wrong.  Somehow though I can't help but feel like I get in my own way.  I'm working on it and lately I seem to be doing a little better with everything.

Love this Video - "Beautiful"

This comes from the new show SM.ASH, which I will not be watching.  But I will be keeping my eyes out on YouTube because I think that a lot of good music will come out of this show...  Like this song:

I'm "That" Adoptee - The "Hairdresser" Conversation

My Attempt at a Hairdresser Picture

Once you've been around adoption blog land for a bit, or you participate in adoption forums, or you have any conversations with anyone about adoption, you usually hear a pretty similar story.  It comes from all over.  Sometimes it comes from a person without a major adoption connection.  Other times it comes from an adoptive parent or a first parent.  It's what I like to call the "hairdresser" conversation.  You know, the one where the other person says "Well my hairdresser's cousin's friend adopted a little girl and she's happy as can be!  There's nothing wrong with adoption; you must have just had a bad experience."  Yes, people actually say things like that to adoptees.  Because one adoptee is happy, then that means that adoption is always a good thing and all adoptees should feel that way.  Or that the ones who aren't happy just came from bad situations.

But the thing is, not all adoptees like to talk about that painful part of their lives.  I don't.  I don't like to bring it up around my adoptive family if I can help it.  I have several reasons.  For starters, members of my adoptive family with the exception of my sister and I are biologically related to each other.  They know what it's like to be raised by people who they look like, act like, and share history through blood.  My mother's heritage is their heritage too.  Same with my dad's side.  They know they look like Aunt Jane on this side or that their nose comes from Uncle Fred.  To them, that's what family is.  I may not look like them, but I was raised that way.  So to them, they know how I was raised and what kind of family I have because it's their family too.  But they don't get that huge difference between us.  They don't get that I'm not Irish and Italian.  They don't get how I felt excluded when they'd talk about how they all look the same or laugh the same (they all have the exact same laugh).  I'm so happy they don't feel that way.  I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone, let alone people I love.  So they can be supportive (and they are so supportive), but they are never going to understand.  They don't get what I went through growing up in that family.  And the biggest part is that I don't want to hurt them.  I don't want them to think that they aren't good enough for me.  I don't want them to think that they did anything wrong because they haven't.  They didn't pick this for me either (as in my extended adoptive family) but they have done everything they could to welcome me as if "born to".  They have loved me from the beginning and been there for me.  They are a great family, and they're my family.  But I have another family too, and I wanted to find out about them.  I don't want my family to have to deal with the issues and pain that I do have from this whole situation.  So I don't bring it up.

If you were to ask a family member of mine, chances are they would tell you that I'm happy with being adopted.  I have a large family and not everyone knows that I've searched and found.  So there are relatives of mine that would say that I never felt inclined to search.  They'd be wrong.  They could say the same about my adoptive sister, but they might be wrong again there too.  My parent's friends don't all know.  My parents did not broadcast it, and really, my search and reunion doesn't come up very often with them.  So if one of them told their hairdresser about me, they'd say something like "Oh, my friends adopted a little girl and she's very happy to be adopted.  She's never searched and she's an engineer now and doing very well!"  Sigh.  They don't know my inner brain, and they don't know what's going on in my personal life.  And that's OK.  But I'd be upset if I found out that I was being used in a conversation like that and completely misrepresented.

There are adoptees out there who are happy about their adoptions.  I've met a few.  And I firmly believe that it's up to them to feel however they feel about it.  But that being said, its not everyone.  And honestly?  I'd rather those people speak for themselves in a safe environment.  Being adopted is deeply personal.  It's like talking about your sex life with a random person in a very public place.  Most people don't do it.  They talk about stuff like that with people who they are very close with and in a private place.  And then there are those who blog about it.  I blog publicly but I keep things private as much as I can.

So yes, the girl who blogs about her issues and challenges and pain publicly is the same adoptee that these hairdressers are probably talking about.  You never know someone's story until you talk to that person.

Picture Sunday: From the Floor

I took all of these pictures in my bedroom from the floor.  It was an interesting perspective to be sure!  I figured I'd try to find as many interesting photos as I could from one spot...  It was pretty interesting to see how much I could twist and turn without moving from that spot just to get an interesting angle.  I don't think it's the best way to take photos, but it was a fun challenge and these could have come out a lot worse!

Yes, that's me in the reflection!

My favorite... I did lots of twisting
to get this composition right.

This was more interesting
than I thought it would be!

Being Busy Isn't Helping

I'm being buried alive in paperwork!  My company updates its training records every few years and this is one of those years.  Because I'm the new girl, I have a lot to update.  So guess who's reading hundreds of pages of procedures?  You're looking at her!

It's also self-evaluation time.  My mother used to go crazy when she had to do her self-evaluation.  Mine isn't as complicated as hers.  Plus it really helps that I type all day long so I crank out paragraphs like it's nothing.  But it's still stressful trying to figure out the best way to sell myself, the girl who's only been there for a few months and still trying to figure out where all the bathrooms are (to be fair, this building is MASSIVE.  It's a half a mile long.  Literally).

One good thing about all this paperwork is that it's taking my mind off of other things.  And I've been pretty busy at home too.  My first father hasn't emailed me back yet.  Which is fine.  I shouldn't expect him to.  After all, I did change things up.  I had every right to.  I was justified.  But that still doesn't mean that he's not going to be hurt by it.  So I have to give him time to deal with it.  And I honestly don't know what's going on in his life.  So there could be a lot going on that I don't know about.  So that could be holding up his response.

I got some new furniture for my bedroom.  It's been a long time coming.  My clothes have literally been stacked on the floor in piles for about two months because I have no place to put them after the Grinch requested my old dresser for the guest bedroom.  I finally got my new dresser but that means that I have to organize everything again.  Joy.  Oh well!  Something to do!

I'm working on a few Valentine's Day surprises for Rudy.  He's been a bit stressed out lately and I want to give him a pick me up.  Part of his gift is here already but the other part needs to be ordered far in advance.  And it's going to take a pretty significant time to get to my house.  So my goal is to be finished by Friday so I don't have to worry about it.

If I can keep busy, maybe I won't check my email as much.  Maybe I won't feel the sting of rejection, which really makes no sense seeing as I want to end things, every time there is no email.  Really, I shouldn't feel this way.  But I do.  There's a part of me, a stupid part, that desperately wants him to write back and say that he's sorry and I'm right and I'm not going to be a secret anymore.  Not going to happen.  Not in a million years.  I know this.  But I still hope.  It's a huge flaw...

So here's to hoping that today will bring a change.  That today he'll get back to me and let me know that he at least doesn't hate me.  It shouldn't matter to me.  I shouldn't care about what other people think.  He didn't raise me and he made it perfectly clear that while I'm his daughter, I don't matter as much as his other daughters.  I'm not on equal footing as them because he chose not to raise me.  So what he thinks of me shouldn't matter.  But somehow it does.  (Note to self: Work on that)

What's OK To Blog About?

Some interesting stuff has been going on in blogland.  I wanted to write about it last week, but I hesitated because of some real world drama I was dealing with regarding this blog.  But I think it's important to discuss.

The big question seems to be: what is it OK to blog about and what isn't?  I don't have an answer for this question.  I wish I did.  It's not a land of black and white.  It's a land filled with grays of every shade.  It's a minefield and nobody it seems agrees on exactly what's OK and what crosses "the line".  Because nobody really can say where that line is.

To me, adoption is very personal.  It took a lot for me to open up about, and a lot to post about it on a public blog, because this is after all a public blog.  I don't use real names, I keep things vague, and I don't post photographs of people.  The photos that I post of myself are obscured to the point where I don't think you'd know it was me if you passed me on the street (big sunglasses anyone?).  So I post publicly about a personal subject.  What's fair game?  It's something that I'm learning as time goes on.

My first parents don't know about this blog.  I've tried to be respectful of their privacy here.  I've never posted their pictures.  I don't use their names.  Most of the posts that reveal anything that's even close to a detail about this is located on a private blog.  If one of my first parent's family members found this blog, I've done everything I can to make it so that they wouldn't be able to figure it out.  I'm very careful of their privacy.  But at the same time, I know it might make them feel uncomfortable to find out I was blogging about our reunion, especially my first mother who is very very private.  Do I have a right to blog about what happened with her?

For me, I do think I can blog about it.  I've really struggled with this however.  I've questioned myself a lot about my motivations.  But while I'm not perfect and sometimes I move things over to the private site, I continue to blog.  It's my way of connecting with my larger community.  I have connected with others who are able to help me understand what she's going through better.  And I think it would be different if I used her name, if this blog was connected to me in real life, or if I was saying nasty things about her.  But I try to be positive.  I try to keep things neutral (though I know they aren't always).  I don't call her names.  I don't bash either of my first parents though sometimes I'd like to.  This happened to me.  I didn't have a say in it.  And this is about my life and how I see it.

The thing is, adoption is a part of my life.  But it's not my entire life.  So sometimes I post about other things, things that aren't 100% adoption related.  It happens.  I'm a person, I'm human, and I want at times to show my readers that "Look!  I'm a real boy!" kind of thing.  I know I have a number of non-adopted readers here.  Do you go out with your friends?  I do to!  Do you have family drama not related to adoption?  I do to!  Do you have trials in your life that aren't adoption related?  Me too!  Look!  We're more alike than you think!  I don't mean that meanly.  It's my way of trying to connect.  I hope I succeed, but I know that sometimes posts fall flat.  For that, I'm sorry.

Joy had some great advice over on Joy's Division.  Defiantly worth a read!  Also, some other lovely ladies posted similar topics last week too... Suz at Writing My Wrongs and Lorraine on FMF.  Check it out!

Special Sunday

I'm taking a break from Picture Sundays.  They'll be back in a few weeks.  I haven't put away my camera by any means.  It's just that I've been so busy taking photos of family events that I haven't had a lot of time to sit down and process them all.  And there are a ton of photos of people and I don't want to post photos of people here (after all you don't know them so why would you want to see that?).  I took a break for Christmas and New Year's Day because things were so crazy.  But soon there won't be any more obstacles.

And next week I'm doing a book tour!  We'll see how that one goes.  I've been assigned the first day, which happens to fall on a Sunday.  So I thought it would be a little pointless to bring back Picture Sunday after the short break just to not run it again next week.

I love my Picture Sunday's though.  I enjoy going through my pictures during the week and figuring out which ones to post.  I have a few new apps on my phone which I've been playing with (mixing black and white with color... it's an interesting concept).  So I'm going to have some great photos to post soon.  And I'm taking the break in these posts to really work on collections of stuff.  I'm going to start naming the collections I post rather than sorting them by weeks.  So the first few are going to be well thought out.  Then knowing me they'll get a bit more scattered.  Oh well!

Hope you all have a great week!

Goals For 2012

Happy New Year Everyone!

In honor of the New Year, I'm going to post some goals for 2012.  I never seem to do well with resolutions, so instead I'm going to post goals for the year and see how many of them I can make come true!  I know it's going to be a great year.  For starters, my favorite number is 12, so bring it on 20-12!  So here are my goals in no particular order.

1. Read at least one book a month
2. Take my cousins to the movies just because
3. Do yoga at least three times a week
4. Comment on each blog that I follow at least once a month
5. Meet my first mother
6. Clean out my closet, including the back shelves
7. Go on an amazing vacation
8. Learn to cook three dinner dishes really well
9. Learn two new skills
10. Post several book reviews on the blog
11. Relax more
12. Be more creative with my photography
13. Visit a new place I've never been to
14. Meet new people and make new friends
15. Go out on the town one night I feel like staying in
16. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
17. Pay off at least half of my loans
18. Get an apartment
19. Learn the names of the people who sit around me at work
20. Live life to the fullest

I'm going to do my hardest to work at all of these goals.  Some are a lot easier than others!  I've read four books this month, so I'm not worried about that goal.  Other things I can easily get done once and cross them off the list.  Other things are going to take some persistence (like commenting on blogs and doing yoga).  Others are more of a mindset, like learning to relax and living life to the fullest.  However, I believe in myself so I'm going to give it my all!

So here's to 2012!  May you best the best year ever!

Disney Planning

Things have been a little bit hectic this past year.  There were a lot of changes in my life, a lot of challenges I never thought I'd have to face, and a lot of hurdles that I'm still trying to get past.  Life threw up some serious road blocks!  Some of those challenges are ongoing, but I find that the best way to deal with a dark time is to plan for the future.  So planning for the future I'm going to do!

When I was five, my family took a vacation to Disney World.  I was in my element!  As a Cinderella OBSESSED little girl, seeing the castle, just like it looked in the movie, was a dream come true.  I hate the movie Dumbo, but I loved the ride.  I had seen so many TV shows with the Dumbo ride, my friends had all been on it, and I just had to ride it.  So that was another dream come true after waiting for over an hour in line. It was a magical vacation, for me anyway.  However, we went during April Vacation week and the park was packed!  Plus our travel group consisted of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  And traveling with fourteen people isn't the most relaxing way to have a vacation.  Thus, at the end of the trip the Grinch declared he was never going back.  We begged.  We pleaded.  It didn't matter; we never went back.

Rudy and I decided that we are going to go away on vacation this spring.  In the past we've gone away to a tropical island (my idea of a fantastic vacation) but Rudy asked to do something a bit more exciting this year.  He's been all over the country and seen almost everything there is to see while I've barely left New England.  We tossed around a few ideas and when I tentatively suggested maybe Disney would be fun, Rudy was so excited we realized we had to go.  Why was Rudy, the person who's been there a large number of times, so excited to go?  Because he knew that I'm essentially like a first-timer.  I don't remember anything other than the Dumbo ride and "It's a Small World".  So going with me is like seeing the magic again for the first time.  I.  Can't.  Wait.

So I'm planning our vacation now.  I've been told to plan six months in advance, so I'm going to do my best to plan it all out now.  I have the time, so I'm looking into the best deals, figuring out where to stay, and trying to get a good price on flights.  I've been doing research into what week to go, and where to stay.  Rudy had one place to cross off the list.  He's stayed at that hotel three times.  The first time, his brother got the flu for the whole week (the flu while at Disney?  What a nightmare!).  The second time Rudy broke his hand (his brother was involved that time too... hmmm).  And the third time, after being there for one day they got the call that Rudy's grandfather had died and they had to fly home.

We also made a list of all the things that we really wanted to do.  We can't do all the parks in one week, so we're going to have to spend our time wisely.  Because I've never done a lot of the rides (five was too young for thrilling rides) I made a list and Rudy and I broke them down into parks.  Plus we both really want to do the Harry Potter theme park (that's a first for both of us!).  I'm so excited!

I feel like a little kid again!  Wish me luck in my planning adventures!

Goals for the Week

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!  Today continues my vacation that I started last Friday.  Thanks to my company giving us all some time off (Friday and today, plus the Monday after New Years) and my remaining vacation time, I'm able to enjoy this whole week off (which turned out to be 11 days).  So ten points to me!  I have a few goals for this very busy week.

My first goal is to clean out the trunk of my car.  It's full right now.  Mostly with jackets, shoes, and books.  So I need to bring in all the jackets and hang them in the closet, put the shoes away in the bin under my bed, and get the books back into the bookcase.  That's the plan for today.  I know I can get it done!

My next goal is to order my new dresser.  My dad took my old one for the guest bedroom and promised to buy me a new one, one that I can take with me when I move.  So I picked out the one I want, I just need to order it online using my dad's credit card.  That's another goal that I think I can accomplish today.  I'm determined.

I'm pretty sure I can get both of these things done in time to go visit with an old friend.  She was my neighbor growing up (and my mentor's daughter).  I was the flower girl in her wedding.  Her oldest daughter just got into college this month (and is the same age as KungFuPanda).  I didn't know this until recently, but her husband is an adoptee.  Go figure...  We've been trying to meet up forever but it just hasn't worked out.  Seeing her is a top goal for the week!

Tomorrow I have the annual Christmas party for my mom's side of the family.  The kids do a gift grab and the adults do a Yankee Swap.  It's pretty funny.  One of my uncle's in notorious for stopping somewhere to get a gift card on the way to the party where the rest of us plan for weeks as to what to get.  Naturally everyone wants the gift card he buys and his gift is the most popular swapped item.  Nice...

Wednesday is my "down day".  My mom had a baby book that she made for me.  It's all about my adoption with cute baby pictures of me.  I have mixed feelings about it.  Some of the language isn't so great to deal with but at the same time, it's a part of my history.  My mom used to read it to me as a bedtime story.  A few years ago the pages started to yellow so my mom ripped it apart to save the pictures.  She promised to put it back together again but never got around to it.  I found a few websites that will let me put it back together again as long as I scan the photos.  No more yellow pages!  So the goal for Wednesday is to put the book back together again online and order it.  My mom is going to help me so it should be a lot of fun to spend some time with her.

Thursday I will probably go to Connecticut to spend some time with my "school" family.  It ought to be a fun time.  I'm planning on celebrating New Years in Times Square (I'm crazy I know) and coming home Sunday night.  That leaves Monday to finish anything that I didn't get done over the week.  It's not much of a vacation (though the weekend will be) but I put so much off for "when I have time" that I really need to get done this week to start the year off right!

Wish me luck!  I'm going to need it...

Learning to Relax Again

I've tried this before and failed miserably, but I'm deciding that I'm going to be happy from here on out.  I'm going to work harder at getting to a better place than I'm at right now.  I'm determined to do it.  I can't keep living like this, and I'm going to deal with it and move on.  So I'm going to try to stay positive, and make some changes in my life to reduce my stress.  I've been browsing around on the web looking for tips and I figured I'd share some of the things I've been doing in my life in an effort to feel better.

Deep Breathing
Megan over at Earth Stains posted this gem a few months back.  I've been practicing and oh boy does it help a lot!  This method of deep breathing is something that I can do anywhere.  When I feel particularly stressed, I start a cycle of this at my desk.  I close all the windows on my computer (leaving only the relaxing background), relax my muscles, focus my eyes on a blank wall in my cube (if I'm not at my desk I close my eyes), and focus on my breathing as I recite the numbers in my head.  I block everything else out other than my breathing to the count.  It's so soothing and it helps me to calm down.  I've learned that deep breathing is a great way to relax and to relieve anxiety.  I highly recommend you check it out.

Organized To-Do List
I've been learning how to better organize my to-do list.  I wish I still had all the wonderful links but I have yet to organize enough to keep track of them!  Basically, it's helpful to keep things written down.  It lessens my anxiety and gives me a place to look when I need to figure out what I should be doing.  I tend to let things stack up and then I worry about them.  By making a to-do list, I'm able to stop worrying about forgetting to do something.  Everything I need is on my list you see...  But a to-do list isn't good enough to cut it for me.  It has to be organized.  Some tips include making things specific (rather than writing "Do Christmas Shopping" I wrote "Go to CVS Saturday to purchase doll for Katie"), organize them by priority (things with higher priority go near the top so I don't loose them in the list), keep separate lists for short term vs long term (certain items are long term goals and I don't want them cluttering up my list everyday), and make sure items move on the list (the point of the list is to get things done; therefore I expect myself to finish at least three things per day and to add new ones as they come up).  Microsoft OneNote has really helped me to work on this goal and it's helped me to be more successful and productive lately.  It's also decreased my anxiety level because I keep a separate list of everything I've accomplished in the past week so I can feel proud of my accomplishments and feel like the list isn't a mountain to climb over.

Headphones
My desk at work isn't in the most ideal place.  It's across from the office printer.  That's right folks.  Every time someone in our department of about seventy-five people prints something, I sit there and listen to the printer.  It's annoying.  And then they walk over to get their printed paper.  And sometimes they bring a friend.  And they talk.  It's maddening.  So I brought my noise reducing headphones to work and put all my music on my phone.  And so the music helped.  But I found that I got distracted by it sometimes.  And I don't always have relaxing music on my phone.  Then I realized that I have a white noise app on my phone that has the sounds of waves crashing on the beach!  The beach is my happy place, and where I feel most relaxed.  Now I listen to the ocean while I'm at work.  I still hear the printer in the background, but the sounds in my headphones help to relieve some of the stress and keep me focused.

Screen Brightness
I lowered the brightness of all my computer screens (yes, I have more than one).  I don't need to be looking at a glaring screen all day if I can read it fine without the bright lights.  The bright light of the screen isn't the greatest for your eyes and it was starting to give me headaches.

Walks
My breaks are now dedicated to walking around the office.  The act of walking around and getting out that pent up energy has started to really help me.  Can I really get in good exercise from walking around work?  Well my building is sort of a half of a mile long from end to end.  And I happen to work on one end.  While I don't have time to walk the mile down and back on a short break, I have plenty of room to walk around and to change some scenery.

Reading
Reading is another stress reducer that I've given another try.  Rather than watching TV before bed, I've started to read.  I've had problems with this before (I tend to get caught up in a good book and can't put it down, thus not sleeping when I should be) but now I'm trying really hard just to stick to two chapters a night (depending on a book).  I heard on the radio that reading is the best stress reliever, and that it's better than watching TV.  I just finished one of my books and I really need to get going on another one.

Well there you have it, some tips and tricks I've been following to help reduce my anixety and to lead a less stressful life!

Picture Sunday: Week 12

Sorry I'm a little late today!  Holiday fun the week before Christmas!  And I did edit these a bit late... Sorry about that!  These pictures are from an event I went to a few weeks ago.  Each company in this office building, as well as surrounding school and business, created a themed Christmas tree which was put up in a raffle.  All the proceeds went to the Ronald McDonald house.  Such a great event and a fun day!

Nice and Red :-)

Peace on Earth Tree

I liked the colors on this white tree

Patriotic Themed Tree!

Picture Sunday: Week 11

Finally I have Thanksgiving pictures!  After months, I finally updated my new computer with my old music and synced it up with my new phone.  Yes, it took me nearly three months to do.  But that's ok, because it's done now and not only do I have all my music on my phone (which is always with me) but I also have a lot of my recent pictures on there as well.  And seeing as I prep my pictures for this blog on my phone, it made it a whole lot easier to post these pictures this week!  Yay!  Lots of food because these come from Thanksgiving.  Enjoy!

Apples Pre-Pie

Going into a Pie

These were so yummy!

My uncle's dog

As always, ask first before using these pictures!

Picture Sunday: Week 10

Wow, week 10 already?  That's sort of impressive for me.  I think I might stop numbering them and naming them instead.  With a theme.  Am I that together?  We'll see.  I had a sort of crazy past few weeks.  So while I've got bunches of photos on my camera, they haven't exactly made it onto my computer.  So you get randoms this week!  Hopefully next week I'll have some wonderful holiday pictures (though they just might be Thanksgiving pictures...)

Coolest tree outside work

Souvenir from Rudy

I found this old picture this week of my dog
Roxy four years ago!

She's a lot bigger now but still a puppy at heart

That's all folks!  Remember to ask if you want to use the photos...

Organizing My Life

Tree from a few years back

Happy December!  Thank goodness we've gotten through November - Adoption Bewareness Month.  I've been busy getting organized and figuring out my life.  It's not easy, but I'm working at it pretty hard.  I used to be super organized and I lost track of it somehow.  So I'm trying to get it back, get back into the swing of things, and get productive again.  I was on a good streak a few weeks ago (Yoga everyday, getting stuff done after work) but then stuff happened and I lost track of things again.  Now I'm realizing that I have to force myself into it.  So I'm back to making lists and figuring stuff out.

I've been meaning to figure out my loan situation for a while now.  I've been getting stuff in the mail (I go into repayment mode next month as it's officially December now!) but it all comes in separately.  I have three different companies for loans (but only two websites to visit - one has two tabs which made me feel stupid when I couldn't find two of my loans).  With the whole apartment thing, I figured that I should really see what I can afford and what I can't.  And I discovered a few things.

First of all, because I've been sending in checks and big chunks of change every time I start to build up some savings, I've whittled down some of my loans already (saving everything last year helped too).  I discovered that I've already paid a very large sum and when I did the math (I'm a math geek) I have already managed to pay 27% of my loans off.  That's almost a third.  Almost.  Considering my loans are huge I'm pretty excited about the whole thing.  So that made me feel better.

I figured out that if I stay at home, I can pay my loans off in two years if I put all my extra money towards them.  Obviously, this is the most ideal situation.  If I have to get an apartment, I can pay them off in three.  So it's a difference of about a year.  This is assuming I don't get a raise (and I've been told I can expect one come the spring) and that I don't pick up an extra job (which is always an option for the weekends) and that there aren't any major financial issues that come up (which could always happen).

I'm going to stay home for now.  I have a few other options to make my life better.  I'm going to start staying with my grandmother on the weekends.  Had I gotten a job in Boston I would have moved in with her during the week to save on gas and the commute, plus she's lonely and 80 and could use some company.  So it's a good solution.  I'm also going to start pointing out when my father is treating me like crap.  I've been biting my tongue, but I think that if it's said out loud, he'll start to see that he's not being respectful or kind to me.  It probably won't work, but I need to try.  And I have places I can go for the night if things get really bad.  It's not ideal, but it will work for now until I can better figure out my situation and see how things go with Rudy.  If he transfers his job, I need to make sure that I'm not stuck in a lease.  If he doesn't, then I have more freedom.

On top of that, I did out my Christmas list and started shopping hardcore.  I have most of my gifts taken care of at this point.  I have a few more things to pick up, but I'm pretty sure I can get it all finished this weekend.  That only leaves wrapping.  Plus I was able to pick up a bunch of stuff for my mom too, so she'll be able to get all of her stuff wrapped next week so by the time Christmas rolls around, she won't stress.  We have a saying in my house.  My mother goes crazy two times a year.  Self-evaluation time for work (which isn't an issue anymore) and Christmas (which I'm trying to make as stress free as possible).  So we'll see how that goes.

I've got a lot going on right now, but I'm processing and dealing with things.  I cleaned my room last night, did a bunch of laundry, and organized my space.  That makes me feel better.  I have a few more things that I need to do, but overall I'm pretty happy with things right now.  I hope it stays that way.

Reunion Fun

My high school reunion was this past weekend.  It was... interesting to say the least.  I surprisingly had a great time.  I went with my friends (who I didn't hang out with in high school - we became friends after we graduated) and Rudy made the trip up for the weekend (and blew off his own reunion).  A few surprises from the night:

1) Senior year, my prom date treated me like crap.  He ignored me, failed to tell me I looked nice (this is a big no-no!  ALWAYS compliment your date no matter what!), and waved at me from the car when he dropped me off.  Not even a hug goodbye or anything.  We hung out once after graduation, and I was invited to dinner with his family via text message after he graduated college, but declined.  He texted me last week to see if I wanted to go to the reunion together.  I politely explained I was going with friends.  I also made sure that he knew when it was because the whole thing was planned and advertised via Facebook and he doesn't have one.  I'm such a nice person.  In the end, he walked up to me, shook my hand, and walked away.  A 20 second encounter.  Rudy says he was watching me the whole night.  Go figure.

2) I had a boy torture me in high school because he was threatened by a smart girl.  Loser.  Anyway, I didn't really want to see him every again.  Sure enough he was there.  Not only was he there, he was in the group behind us in line as we had to wait for a half hour to get into the bar.  Joy.  He was talking to my friend, and another guy.  I went over because I figured it would be good to get it out of the way.  He didn't remember my name but remembered my face apparently, and insisted on giving me a hug.  I gave him a dirty look back.  Then he made some comment about how he wasn't living in our hometown anymore, like it was a bad thing to still live there with my parents.  His friend jumped in and explained that the asshole was living with his parents, just in an apartment in a different town. I said something mean.  I'm not a mean person.  But he's the only one that I think pissed me off enough that I wanted a bit of revenge.  So I said "Wow, that makes me feel a lot happier about my own situation!"  His friend started laughing and wanted to know where this version of me was five years ago.  I smiled and walked away.  I realized that the asshole was just as much a loser now as five years ago.  I mean, who shows up to a five year reunion wearing a Kermit the Frog hat on backwards and a Penn State t-shirt?

3) I saw an old "friend" at a bar a few weeks ago.  Talk about awkward.  She knew all about my mom (but not the details because she assumed my mom's tumor had been removed -- never going to happen) and wanted me to know she was there for me.  Good grief.  Turns out she was too drunk to make it in the bar for the reunion.  Another friend had to put her up in a hotel room for the night so she could sleep it off.  Classy.

So really, it all went pretty well.  The high school popular girls were drinking by themselves, refusing to talk to anyone.  The middle tier was basking in attention from all the popular guys who suddenly noticed them after they had gone off to college girls and come back women.  The bottom tier showed up looking completely different and with social skills to boot.  And then there were the no-shows, a few of which were surprising.  Some people were abroad and unable to attend, but a good amount just didn't show.  I think some of them were scared to face the rest of us after tormenting us in high school.

We'll see how the ten year goes.  I told Rudy we could go to his ten year if he wanted because he came to my five.  He was excited about that.  I can't wait to try to pass off as a student from his high school.  I'll just say I was the triangle player in the band :-)

Picture Sunday: Week 9

We have the last of the fall pictures this week.  It's funny, but we have this great outdoor space near my house and I've never really taken advantage of it before.  We used to go there on class trips and my mom and I would go every now and then for a walk, but lately I've really been enjoying the outdoor space.  It's a great place to take pictures (as you've probably seen over the past few weeks).  Last weekend I went again with Rudy and I was amazed at how different everything looked.  In just two weeks all of the leaves were down off of the trees.  It was a lot different.  I have a feeling I'm going to have to find other things to take pictures of soon.  Though now we're officially into the holiday season so maybe I'll just have to focus on that until January :-)

Not many fall colors left

Leaves

Nothing left on the trees, but still pretty

Some cool rocks

Possibly the last color of the season

Ask first, use second.