Things To Look Forward To

While 2011 was an interesting year, 2012 is right around the corner and I'm so looking forward to it!  2012 is going to be a fantastic year for me, I can just tell!

For starters, I have some amazing concerts coming up.  I'm going to see Blake Shelton with my sister and cousins in a few months.  I have a mini-crush (ok, maybe not so mini) and I can't wait to see him in person.  I love his music and I can't wait to see him sing "Honeybee" in person.  In the spring, I'm going with one of my best friends to see Lady Antebellum (for the third time!) and Darius Rucker (who is my second favorite singer these days).  We're going to celebrate my friend's birthday and her graduation.  We both love country music and those artists, so I can't wait to enjoy a fun concert with her!

My two closest friends will be returning to the US after living in Africa.  Both ladies will be home around the summertime.  I can't wait to have them home!  I hate hearing stories about civil unrest and running to the computer to see how far away it is from both of them.  And one friend in particular has gotten sick over there a few times and that's a really scary thing.  So I can't wait until they both come home!  I'm so happy that they are having a great time and learning great things, but coming home is fun too.

It's time for me to get my own place.  I'm going to start looking for an apartment in the spring.  I'll have been home for a year and paid off a good portion of my loans.  So I think it's time for me to think about moving out on my own to start my own life.  I love my parents.  They are awesome.  Sure, the Grinch has been a major pain in my ass the last few months, but he's my dad so I'll always love him.  He means well most of the time.  And my mom is amazing.  She's a saint.  And my sister and I are starting to get along better.  But never the less, I need to start my own life and learn to take care of myself.  So I'll be moving on, while staying close enough to home that I can still visit whenever I want.

The Adoptee Rights Convention is going to be in Chicago in 2012.  I'm determined to be in attendance!  Unfortunately San Antonio didn't work out.  But Chicago is much more manageable and because I know about it a long time in advance, I've already starting putting money aside for it.  I can't wait to meet some of the wonderful people I've met online in person and to move from just being an e-activist to working towards equal rights for adoptees in person.

There's got to be a lot of stuff that I'm missing, but these are the big things that jump out at me.  You never know what the year will bring!  So here's to a fantastic and hopeful 2012!

Found: First Thoughts

I recently finished reading Jennifer Lauck's Found for the book tour.  I'm going to save a lot about this for the book tour post, which will be coming in January.  But there are a few things that I wanted to say first.

For starters, I couldn't make it through the first chapter without crying.  Yes, I went there.  I had to put the book down and I'll admit to not picking it up again for several weeks.  It was amazing to read, but so hard to get through because I haven't met my first mother and understood exactly what Ms. Lauck was talking about in terms of a lack of connection.

Then all the drama happened with my first father.  And as far as I was concerned, my reunion was over.  I was devastated.  I considered dropping out of the book tour.  It was too hard.  It was too much.  But something made me stop from sending that email and waiting a few days.  I had training at work the next week and due to the location of the training, I was on my own for lunch.  So I threw Found in my bag and figured if I had time, I'd do some reading and give it a try.  If it didn't work out, it didn't work out.

I spent the next few days with my nose buried in those pages during my lunch breaks and after work.  I read the book in three days in my spare time.  I had to put it down a few times and walk away, but I couldn't stay away.  There were several parts where I swear it was like Ms. Lauck was in my head and had read my innermost thoughts.  I understood so much of this book because I felt some of those same emotions.

I had it easy compared to Ms. Lauck, but the basic feelings of abandonment, the need to know the past, and the feeling of constantly searching for something more are things that I fight with everyday.  I belong to a forum of mostly adult adoptees (though we do have several other members of the so called triad on there, as well as a few others).  I love that forum for the same reason that I loved this book.  The act of hearing other stories and thoughts of others who are adopted makes me feel less alone.  We're all in this together in a way.  We support each other, get each other through.  By reading books like Found and others, we realize that we aren't alone.  We aren't fighting this battle alone.  There are others fighting it with us.

No two adoptees feel the same way about adoption.  And we all have different stories.  We have different experiences.  But sometimes, we find someone who we can relate to.  I can't wait for January now!

Training Exercise

When I was in college, I became a RA (resident assistant) in order to help offset some of the cost of my education.  The cost of attendance of my university was close to $50,000 my junior year and over $50,000 my senior year.  Oh the joys of a private education.  Side note: Colleges don't warn you that tuition goes up.  And your scholarships don't.  My loans went up every year as did the interest rates.  Welcome to my life as a recent college grad with upwards of $80,000 of debt.

Moving on.  I became a RA because I was going to help offset some of the cost.  And because I had it in my head that maybe I could help someone.  I had a great RA my sophomore year and I wanted to be that RA.  If I knew then what I know now...

When I look back on the experience, I get caught up on this one training exercise senior year.  Various RAs were asked to come up with training exercises.  I was in a bad mood during RA training.  I had been sick for a month.  Try being sick every single minute of a month and then try to put on a happy face and get everyone else motivated.  It was hell.  With me being sent to the ER in a grand finale on move in day.  I had also just seen my non-identifying information.  My identity was rocked to the core.  I didn't know who I was anymore because it was so different than I thought it would be.  I had to question everything my parents had ever told me.  It was a horrible time and I went through it alone.

So that was the frame of mind I was in during this training session.  I say this because what happened turned into a major teaching moment and I didn't take it.  Anyway, a group of RAs decided that it would be a great idea to show everyone that we had a lot of diversity in the room.  I went to a prominently white school.  Our RA staff was mostly white, but we did have a large number of minority students.  Looking around the auditorium with about 75 people in it (all the RAs and supporting staff), the vast majority were white.  And the minority students were all at the front doing a diversity presentation.

The intent was the show that even though most of us were of the same race, there were other things that made us diverse.  So ethnicity came up.  And guess who was the first student that had to stand up and declare their ethnicity to the entire room of 75 people because she foolishly chose a seat in the front of the room so she might learn something?

Faceplam moment.  Here I was, questioning everything, and I have to declare to a whole room that I didn't have a single clue about something that the majority of the room knew their whole life.  I didn't trust the paperwork.  I didn't trust my adoptive parents.  I honestly didn't know.  Everything was a guess on my part.  I failed in that moment.  I said I was white and sat back down.  I had no time to prepare.  I don't think well on my feet.  The exercise was re-clarified because they assumed I thought race and ethnicity was the same thing and it moved on.  How embarrassing.

As far as I know, out of the 75 of us, there were only two adoptees in the auditorium.  The other adoptee was in the back and had more time to think about it.  He stated passionately that he was American rather than list another ethnicity.  However, he was a political science major who is very into politics, so nobody thought any differently about it.

I've replayed that moment over and over in my head.  In my head, I stand up, take a breath, and state "Unknown due to adoption".  A few people would scratch their heads, but I can guarantee that everyone would have thought about it at some point or another.  And the organizers of the exercise would have taken a minute to realize that in their attempt to promote sensitivity for minorities, they were insensitive to another group.

I'm not saying that it was a flawed exercise.  And at some point, any activity is going to have an "ouch" moment for one group of people.  But it's something that will stick with me.  The assumptions that were made about my intelligence (because I didn't "know" the different between race and ethnicity), and the condescending attitudes I had to endure for the remainder of the week for "ruining" their exercise stuck with me.  The fact that nobody took the time at the beginning to give people an out in case they didn't know.  There are plenty of people who may not know their ethnicity.

It's now over two years later, and I'm still thinking about that exercise.  I learned a lot that day and the days that followed.  I'm not the same person anymore.  I would say "Unknown due to adoption" now.  Progress.  That's something right?

Preparations Part 2

Hope I'm not left out in the Cold!

See Part 1 Here

Yesterday's post was so long I had to break it up in two.  I'm preparing for my third visit with my first father.  Which happens to fall on my birthday.  This could go amazingly well, or really really wrong.  I'm trying to prepare for all the ways it could go wrong.

Now there are several things that could go wrong.  I'm being open about stuff right?  Well I know for a fact that my adoptive father has withdrawn his support.  He's taking everything out on me these days and I hate that, but there's not a lot I can do about it.  I'm the emotional punching bag, the person who stops him from exploding at my mother, and the peace keeper.  I hate that role but it is what it is.

I'm going to tell my mother about meeting up with SinginInTheRain because I promised her that I would.  I'm just going to wait until my dad isn't around.  Mentally, she's a lot more there now than she was a few weeks ago.  Like it's amazing the progress that she's made.  She's almost back to being her old self.  So while she might not remember, she'll almost defiantly remember if I don't tell her. So I'm going to keep my promise and let her know that I'm meeting up with him.  She might freak out and ask that I not go.  I highly doubt it, but it could happen.  More likely than not she'll just be like "Ok whatever" and that will be the end of it.  She might ask to meet him.  If that's the case, things could get complicated.  But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.  I'm not going to worry about that right now because I actually think her meeting him would be a good thing.  But I doubt it's going to happen.

My grandmother is going to be at my house for the day. You know, THAT grandmother.  Now I've sworn to be honest if I'm asked, but I can't see this ending well for me so I'm going to the "spa" as far as she's concerned.  Which is true because that's what I've decided to do after my visit.  I'm going to need to relax.  But there's a chance she might not come to hang out with my mom.  And because I have the day off, that would be bad because it's a lot harder to find a replacement for her if everyone knows I'm off.  Which they all do.  So if she doesn't show because her leg has been bothering her and she doesn't like driving, I might be stuck.  It's happened before.  The back up plan is to play the birthday card.  Hard.

"It's my birthday and I made plans to go to the spa!  I really was looking forward to this, can you PLEASE help me out and come watch Mom for a few hours?  I just really need a day for myself and it's my birthday and I need to relax."  

It might work.  I hope.  Wow, rereading that I realize I need to clarify.  I love spending time with my adoptive mom.  But it's stressful and challenging.  I don't want to spend my birthday feeling stressed and challenged.  I'd rather be at work than watching my mom by myself all day (she sleeps a lot too so I'd have to keep busy doing other things by myself at my house... not so much fun).  I'm not a heartless witch.  I was told that I'm not allowed to hang out with my mom that day by my aunt who has become like a second mom to me through all of this.  Because she wants me to be relaxed and enjoy my birthday.  It's the one day of the year I get to make it all about me.  So I will.

I could naturally run into problems with my adoptive father.  Who knows where his mind is at these days?  He will probably be coming home to see my mom around the time that I'm leaving.  Because it's my birthday, there's a chance he might want to hang out with me or take me to lunch.  I highly doubt it, but it could happen.  Or he could run to the mall to get something for my birthday and I could run into him there.  It could happen.  How awkward would that be?

"Oh hi Dad.  What are you doing here?  Oh, shopping for my birthday?  Um, cool.  So this is SinginInTheRain, you know, the person I'm not supposed to talk about or mention in any way because you feel threatened?  Well, this is him!  We're having lunch, on my birthday...  So yeah.  Well, we're gonna go.  Me and my birth father [first father].  Love you!  See you at home for dinner!"

Yikes!  That would be bad.  But it's a possibility.  To avoid super awkward situations like this one, I'm going to let him know beforehand I think.  I'm waiting until he's calm.  After I talk to my mom.  So I'll know how she feels first, and then I'm just going to mention it to him.  But he's going to have to be alone.  And I have to have a game plan.  And I need to be prepared to run out of there quick.  And I need to be ready to laugh it off.  I need to be mentally prepared.  And I have to figure that all out QUICK because I'm seeing SinginInTheRain in a matter of DAYS. (Eee!)

Most likely out of all these scenarios is that I'm going to run into someone I know.  This is not just likely, I'd be floored if it didn't happen.  So I'm going to have to introduce SinginInTheRain to someone I know.  Which is going to be interesting because I've never done that before.  And it's going to get back to my parents.  That's just how my hometown is.  You know how there are all these little towns across America where everyone knows each other's business?  I think that we place these towns geographically in our minds in the southern part of the country, or the western part of the country, or at least I do anyway.  Turns out we have them in the East as well!  So that ought to be interesting.  I'm still working on wrapping my head around this one.

Why post about this?  Because I'm preparing for the worst.  I'm preparing for hell.  That way, if something does go wrong, I'll either have a backup plan already in place or at the very least, be mentally prepared for it.  So that's why I'm blogging about this.  Getting ready for failure.  Because then if things go wonderful, it's even better.

Fingers crossed!

Education and Responsibility

I've been thinking about responsibility lately.  It came up on another blog.  I'm not going to link because I don't want to stir up drama and send traffic that way, but it was an interesting situation and it's really got me thinking.

Basically, a first mother is talking to an adult adoptee who has not searched.  She explains how things were for her and apparently it comes across that she loves her child (who she has now reunited with) and has some sort of mother/child relationship.  It was very vague in this blog post and I wasn't able to find the post it was referring to.  I realize I'm doing the same to my readers, so please forgive me.

Anyway, what followed were comments that the first mother should not have told the adult adoptee her story without telling him that not all mothers feel the same way she does.  It was her responsibility to educate the adoptee about all first mother issues.  Another point was made that there isn't just one story.

I agree, there isn't just one story out there.  There are a lot of stories.  There are a lot of different ways of looking at things.  Even among adoptees, there is a spectrum.  Some of us are happy we are adopted, some of us aren't.  There isn't a right or wrong answer.  It is what it is.  I would guess it's the same for adoptive parents and first mothers.  I'm sure there are first mothers who wish they had never places (I've read some of their blogs) and there are first mothers who are happy they have placed (I've read those blogs too, just less frequently because they are a bit too triggering for me).  I'm sure there are adoptive parents who are thrilled they adopted (I like to think mine are some of them) while I know there are others who aren't (though they don't talk about it as often, I do have adoptee friends who have parents like this).  We all have different perspectives and different experiences.  It is up to us to share that or not.

What I do not agree with it the need for each person to put a disclaimer on everything that they say.  I'm sorry, but if someone asks me about my reunion, I'm going to tell them my truth.  I will not explain to whoever that "While some adoptees like me were happy they searched, there are others out there who don't want to search and never will".  That's not my story.  I will not speak for those adoptees.  I would assume that whoever asks me for my story understands that I'm not speaking for everyone.  That's why I use language like "me" and "I", not "we", "all", and "defiantly".  I learned that lesson in school.  Never use absolutes (I just giggled).  If you ask to hear my story and I tell you, and you take it to be the whole truth, well, then that's on you.  As a person you need to educate yourself.

Along those lines, when I was thinking about searching, I did a lot of research.  I didn't just listen to one story of an adoptee who searched, found, and was happy, I listened to a number of stories of people from all sides of the spectrum.  I read a lot of books, read a lot of blogs, and learned before I searched that everyone feels differently.  I knew it was like throwing darts while blindfolded and praying to hit the target.  If I didn't, that was my own fault.

I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to educate on the entire issue while telling their story.  That first mother's story was her truth.  She shouldn't speak for anyone else.  She can tell the adoptee if she wants, "That's just my story however" but I don't think it's mandatory.  I certainly don't tell people "Not all adoptees want to search" because I don't personally feel like I should speak for anyone else.  I will tell people if I think they are looking for a more general answer that no two stories are the same, and to take it with a grain of salt.  But that's when I have my education hat on.  My education hat is never on when I tell my personal story.  I don't think it has a place there.

Telling of my story is just that.  MY STORY.  Nobody else's.  And it's not my responsibility to disclaimer that. As I mentioned in the comments:

My dog Roxy!

"I don't know about this... If I have a dog and I love my dog and I'm telling someone else about my dog, do I have to tell them that not everyone else feels the same way about dogs so they don't go out and buy one based on my experience?

Everything I say to another person is from my own perspective. I perceive the world in my own way, and nobody else will perceive things the exact same way. I don't put a disclaimer in every conversation I have because that's just not practical. I can see a mother talking about her experience. It's not her responsibility to education about all adoption issues.

While I 100% agree that you have to consider all different sides, and making generalizations is BAD, I'd would say that it's up to the adoptee to figure out the other side of it, not the first mother.

That's just my take on it. I think that a person should be able to share their own experiences without putting a disclaimer on them. It's a casual conversation after all (or at least that's what I'm assuming).

Though I guess it would matter if she told him that ALL first mothers feel this way. That would be a different situation. But if she's merely saying I feel this way, then no disclaimer needed."

The response I got back to this was that I was right except when it came to adoption.  Especially when talking to an adoptee.  It just seems to me like that's labeling us again as different.  We are different, but do we really need to be treated like people who can't reason on their own?

I don't want to stir up drama, but I was really upset about this.  I just don't think it's right for an adoptee (the blog author) to tell a first mother that it's on her to educate all adoptees.  It's like saying we aren't smart enough to figure things out for ourselves.  That was my take on it anyway.  It almost seemed like this adoptee was urging mothers to tell their stories only if it was negative so that the adoptee won't search.  Should people only be able to influence negatively?  I know when I was thinking about searching, I wanted to hear about a variety of view points, not just one.  Sometimes we have to take a step back from our agendas (even if that's blogging about adoption from a "pro" position) and realize that you can't have it one way or another.  This first mother was telling her truth.  The adoptees mother might feel the same way.  She might not.  He should get to hear both sides of the story before deciding to search or not.  And I doubt one first mother is going to sway him one way or another.  I doubt that one story is going to make him rush into a reunion and he will look back later in life and blame all of his problems on this first mother.  If he does, well then there's just something not quite right there.

Where do you think the responsibility lies?

Frequently Asked Questions

I found a great resource that has loads of ideas for blog posts. This is one of them that I haven't done so I figured it's a good way to start. The following is a list of frequently asked questions that I've received in my life. They aren't all from blogging, more from real life. And I get asked these questions A LOT!

Q: Do you mind answering questions about adoption?

A: No, I don't. If those questions are asked in a respectful way. I understand that it is a small percentage of the population that is adopted. There's a large portion that is connected somehow to adoption. For every adoptee there are two biological parents and two (probably) adoptive parents. Each one of these four (probably) people has a family. And sometimes there are siblings involved, either adoptive or biological. Now add in all of the friends of each person connected to the adoption. That's a lot of people. Never mind the adoptee who goes on to make friends (hopefully) and maybe has a family someday of their own. Lots and lots of people become connected to adoption per adoptee. So while we are small population of adoptees, there's a lot of people out there who's hairdressers cousin adopted a baby (who by the way is always happy about their adoption and therefore all adoptees should be and this makes that person an expert in the field). So I guess I can understand the curiosity. If someone is willing to be respectful about it, I'll answer questions. If they aren't, then I start asking questions back. "What's it like to be adopted? Isn't it weird? I would hate to be adopted!" My answer: "I don't know, what's it like not be adopted? I can't imagine actually being related to some of YOUR nasty relatives so tell me what THAT'S been like?"

Q: When did you find out you were adopted?

A: I don’t remember the first time my parents told me. It was just something that was always there. My mother made a scrapbook of pictures from my adoption process and wrote it like a children's book. She would read it to me before bedtime and we would look at all the pictures. The whole "story" was there. When I was two and a half, my parents started the process of adopting my younger sister. It took nearly a year to complete that process (we had to move, meet with social workers, etc.) and I had a much better idea about what adoption was. I understood that I didn't grow in my mommy's tummy and that I had a birthmommy out there somewhere who in theory loved me. As I got older, it was just a part of how our family was created. Our family was just like other people's families, only I didn't look just like my parents and my parents were a little bit older than some of the other parents. It wasn't a big deal, it just was what it was.

Q: Why were you given up for adoption?

A: Somehow this question gets asked a lot, even before I was in reunion. Pre-reunion, I would tell people that my mother was very young and she wanted me to have a mommy and a daddy instead of just a mommy. I would leave out the poor part, even though that's what my parents told me. "She was young and poor. She knew you deserved a better life than she could give you." Post-reunion, I tell people that it was a complicated situation. My parents (yes I include them both now) were young and weren't sure of the direction they wanted to go in life. They didn’t feel it was fair to a child to get stuck in the middle while they figured things out. And I like to add that my father's parents weren't married and he wanted me to have married parents, something that he always wanted. It's a complicated question, yet a question that people love to ask.

Q: If you're adopted, why do you look like your dad?

A: This question I don't get so much now. My adoptive dad and I both have dark hair. We both tan in the summer. So after a summer where we're both tan, my dad and I somewhat would look alike. You wouldn't look at him and then look at me and see a connection, but people look really hard for what they want to see. I've noticed that most people would try to find a family resemblance where there isn't one, and would then get offended after they've convinced themselves that "No they DO look alike!" Not really sure why this is. Let me clarify. My dad's hair is light brown. Mine is nearly black. He has hazel eyes that change color depending on his mood and the weather. Mine are so dark they are nearly black. My dad has a peanut shaped head. Mine's more square. I tan darker than he does. We have none of the same facial structure. His ears are smushed to his head. Mine stick out a little bit. Basically, we don’t look alike. But people look for that connection and then think I'm trying to pull a fast one on them when I tell them I'm adopted. No my dad did not cheat on my mom and then make her raise his lovechild. I really am adopted.

Post Secret

I'm a pretty big fan of PostSecret. I own a few of the books, I've attended a lecture, and I check the website every Sunday religiously. Some people have the Sunday cartoons, I have PostSecret. For anyone who doesn't know the PostSecret story, a guy had a great idea to ask people to mail him one secret they had never told anyone before on the back of a post card. What started as a simple social experiment has now turned into a full career for him. The secrets are like little art projects and they come in from all over the world. Some of them are funny, others heartbreaking, and some are just plain different. I've seen some of my secrets on that site, though I've never sent one.

I joined the online community a while back but don't participate because I saw too much judgment for my liking. I just saw a few secrets get criticized and didn't really want to see that anymore. I still have an account and when I see a secret that I want to see the discussion on, I'll go back to the boards and see what people have to say about it. This maybe happens once a month.

A few weeks ago, a secret was posted on the website on Sunday. It read "My cousin has a brother he doesn't know about and I can't tell him". Naturally, I had to check out the community discussion. I was totally blown away by how many people said they had the same secret or something very similar. Some of it came from adoption, some of it came from remarriage, some of it was because a parent wasn't raising a child… It was so interesting to me that so many people identified.

I am that secret child in my family. My sisters don't know about me. I feel like I type that sentence a lot. It just goes to show how much that statement hurts me. It's nice to know that I'm not along, but heartbreaking that so many others are going through the same thing.

For the record, as someone who's a secret child, I think that if you know about it, you should find a way to tell, especially if that sibling is not a minor. I don't think it would be easy, and I'm not saying this is a black and white area, but I think it's better to know. And I think that in some cases it would alleviate a lot of the pain that comes later. That's just me though.