Reality's Sinking In

What a week.  There's no other way to define it.  So many things are changing.  I can feel the earth shifting under my feet and I'm waiting for things to settle down so I can return to solid ground.

My upcoming face-to-face really rattled me.  I was convinced that my first mother would say no.  I thought, "Never in a million years will she agree to this."  I was so set on protecting myself that I never allowed myself to dream of a world where she would say yes.  You see, my mother is a wonderful person.  She's kind, beautiful, compassionate, and good.  I know these things because that's what she was like when we started communicating two years ago.  She was generous.  She was excited to be talking to me.  She was never perfect.  She avoided hard situations.  At times she was melodramatic (her word not mine).  She wasn't honest about me, and that hurt.  But overall, she did the best she could.  And I appreciated her for that.  I respected her.  I love her, and I always will.  She's my mother.  The other stuff?  All water under the bridge.  Then I asked for too much.  And she started to protect herself more.  I was hurt by that.  We had come to far, hadn't we?  It seemed like the secret was becoming too much for her to bear.  She withdrew, something that's normal for reunion relationships.  We had a miscommunication which then lead to her withdrawing completely.  Gone was the woman I loved who told me funny stories about her past and made me smile.  In her place was someone else, someone who didn't email me back, said hurtful things, and said goodbye with a line that could have come out of a D.isney movie.

I wrote that email asking her to meet me not expecting a reply, or at least not expecting a positive one.  I wrote it more for me, so that I could feel like I gave it every effort.  So that I could know that I'd done everything I could.  And I got a response back that I'd never imagined.  It's funny, but I shared that note with my mentor, one of four people I shared my news with outside the online community.  She's been a major supporter of me and it was important for me to get her opinion on the email.  She was surprised because "she sounds like a good person!"  After everything I had told her about the actions of my first mother, she never believed me when I would tell her that NeverTooLate is actually a wonderful person when it comes to anything other than me.  I wouldn't have communicated like that for nearly a year with a woman who wasn't wonderful.

My first father emailed me and told me that his schedule was changing.  He and NeverTooLate were going to talk about everything that day.  He'd get back to me once things settled down.  I responded right back and told him about the Rudy situation.  I haven't heard back yet.  I'm not going to lie and say I'm not nervous.  This happened before you see.  NeverTooLate did say yes to a phone call initially.  She backed down two months later when I questioned her about it.  I'm nervous that it's going to happen again.  This time, my first father is involved.  I'm hoping that he'll help the situation.  I also took the time to explain why I wanted to meet her.  I didn't do that as well with the phone call email.  I'm hoping that makes a difference.  I'll just feel better once I have a date.  If I haven't heard by next week, I'm going to email them both (I've never done that before) and ask for an update.  Fingers crossed!

To top it all off, I'm still dealing with so much from last weekend.  It's finally starting to sink in, the gravity of the situation.  Not that I didn't know it was so serious before.  It's just that I'm starting to think about the long term consequences and I'm scared about what's going to happen.  There are certain areas of my life that are going to be changed forever, because of the actions of one person.  His decision to attempt to take his life has set off a domino reaction that's going to continue for a while.  Things will never go back to the way they were before.  All we can hope for is a better and stronger future after we put in the work to clean up this giant and complicated mess.

Talk about a roller coaster!

Future Worth Fighting For

It's taken me a few days to write about it, but this weekend was really really hard.  A person that I'm very close to decided that life wasn't worth living anymore.  I saw him mere hours before he tried to end it all.  He's still alive thanks to some quick thinking by a relative and a responsive paramedic team.  We have to wait and see how this all plays out over the next few days.  If you're a praying type of person, his family could really use the prayers.

I'm struggling to comprehend how it got to that point.  I knew things weren't going so well for him, but lately it seemed like things were going a lot better.  I saw him that day.  I can't get it out of my head.  I knew that something was wrong.  I knew it wasn't right, and I left.  I didn't want to embarrass him and I knew that his wife and children were home.

I've been trying to accept that there was nothing that I could have done.  I gave him a hug.  I told him I loved him.  And I left.  There was no way to know what he was going to do.  And he wasn't alone.  It was in no way my fault, but I still replay those moments over and over again.  I wasn't paying attention the way that I normally do.  I realized later that it wouldn't have made a difference even if I had.

It's made me realize how lucky I am.  Life isn't always easy, but I have hope for the future.  I can think of about ten things that he has to look forward to, but clearly he couldn't in that moment.  That's a sad thing.  I'm hoping that in time he comes to see how much he does have to look forward to, and that he fights for it.  I'm so thankful to have a future worth fighting for.

Here's a list as a reminder to myself of all the things that I have to look forward to:

1. Meeting my first family: With each new person I meet, there's so many new possibilities.  I'm sure that I won't get along with some, some relationships just won't pan out, and it's all going to be hard.  However, there's a good chance that some of those new relationships might work out.  And with each new connection, I learn more about myself and the person that I want to be.
2. Maintaining good friendship: I have a lot of friends out there.  I think of all the fun times that we've had, and I think about all the things we're going to do in the future.  I can't wait to share more nights that we'll never forever.
3. Restoring rights to adoptees: We're getting there.  With each state that opens records, we're getting closer.  No matter how small, I'm doing my part, including traveling to Chicago this summer.  I tell myself that blogging my story helps too, in the sense that maybe it's helping dismiss some of the stereotypes.  Maybe it does.  Anyway, this is something that I can continue to fight for and a legacy to leave behind for other adoptees.
4. All those question marks:  I don't know where my life is going to take me.  Who knows?  I'd like to end up in a nice house with a few kids, and live out my dreams.  I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm excited to have the future wide open ahead of me.  I can't wait to find out!

I'm going to try to live my life the way that it should be lived.  I'm going to fight for all my new beginnings and wonderful stories.  I believe in angels and I know that I have a few watching over me.  I don't want to give them a bad show...

How It All Ties In

I love how I get to make these posts every now and then.  Not really.  I know I've been blogging about adoptive family drama a lot lately.  And while it might be a bit annoying to some, I see it as adoption related.  Here's why.  Stories have been coming out about the Grinch lately.  I've been a lot more open about my reunion with the people in my life.  I'm working on being completely open.  This is something that I've kept bottled up for so long that it's not easy to open up about it.  It's taken a lot of courage to open myself up to criticism and negative reactions (of which I've received a few).  But at the same time, I can't expect SinginInTheRain or NeverTooLate to be open in their lives if I'm not open in mine.  I feel that's hypocritical.  So I'm working on it.  But that means that I'm having some interesting conversations.

So I start chatting with someone.  And somehow my reunion comes up.  I don't usually just bring it up, it comes up naturally.  Someone might ask me about my birthday and I'll mention that I spent part of the day with my first father.  Which leads to the abbreviated story.  And then the look.  And then the question: "And what does your father think about that?"  To which I respond: "Why do you ask it like that?" To which they respond: "Because of how protective he was of you and your sister!" Which is then followed with an explanation that usually ends with me trying to remain calm in the face of this well meaning person so they don't know that my blood is boiling.

When I was adopted, the Grinch told everyone that if my first parents showed up, he'd run away with me to Canada.  He was dead serious.  I was his daughter, and his alone.  Nobody else was going to take me from him.  My adoption wasn't what was best for me, it was all about him and his need to have children.  He loves me, don't get me wrong.  But he never once considered that if my first family showed up looking for me, it might be in my best interest to integrate them into my life.  When I was a baby, it was easy for him to pretend I was his.  He bought into the whole blank slate theory.  As I got older and learned how to talk, it became pretty clear that I'm nothing like him.  At all.  And no matter how hard he tried, I never would be.  I sort of look a bit like him (we have the same hair color and similar skin tones) but other than that, we have almost nothing in common.  So it was hard for him to deal with that.  I wasn't just his daughter.  If I was, I'd be more like him.

When my sister was adopted, my uncle flew out to Michigan to rent a car (I have a feeling the same was done for me).  My uncle (not sure which one, but one of the ones with a different last name than us) drove it back to Massachusetts to pick my sister up from the hospital/agency/where ever (I was three, I don't remember).  He didn't want the car to be traced back to us.  Keep in mind, my sister has a semi-open adoption.  My parents knew her first parents' names and addresses.  But he wanted to make sure that they couldn't trace the car back to him so they'd never know where we lived or our last name.

So a lot of his recent behavior makes some sense.  Things have gotten ten times worse for me ever since I mentioned the whole bed bug incident.  So the Grinch's possessive behavior and subsequent anger at me isn't completely unexpected as others tell me stories that help me to understand him better.

So my dear readers, it all ties in.  It's not pretty at all.  But such is adoption.  Joy.

Taking Back Control Part 2

To continue from yesterday, I'm trying to figure out what areas of my life need a bit more work right now so that I can feel happy and be more in control of my own life.  There are certain things and people I can't control, but I can control my reaction to them, and thus be happier and possibly make my situation better.

The Grinch

Things are bad, but I realized that I haven't really been speaking up for myself.  He has no idea how he sounds sometimes.  He's lost control in his life and is trying to get it back by controlling mine.  This isn't acceptable.  I think that by calling attention to that fact will help him to realize that it's not OK.  I went through the last few situations that I've dealt with and realized that I didn't handle them properly.  By figuring out what about the situation made me mad and how to better handle it, I hope if similar situations arise in the future, I'll be better prepared.

"You're on supper duty"

What happened: This statement was made the minute I walked through the door from work.  No "hello" or "how was your day?", just basically a command to make him and my mother dinner.  I didn't correct him, just threw something together.  I was furious for being spoken to that way.  I don't speak to other adults that way, and I don't expect it back.

New Response: "I'm sorry, but I will not be making you dinner.  If you chose to ask me nicely, I'll consider it, but nobody bosses me around that way.  It's rude, inconsiderate, and disrespectful.  I don't treat you that way, and I would appreciate the same courtesy.  If you ask me nicely tomorrow, maybe I'll make dinner then."

"You made a complete mess in the basement.  It's unacceptable.  And I'm nice to your boyfriend when he comes to visit so you should treat me better."

What happened: I apologized multiple times. I picked up the jacket I had left on the chair, folded the blanket, and moved the furniture back into place.  I bit my tongue the whole time.  I fought back later at a different part of the conversation, but I never addressed this issue.  Which is separate.

New Response:  "I'm sorry for making a mess.  I will clean it up.  However, there is no reason to get upset about a small mess.  It's easily rectified.  The basement is messy because I still do not have cable in my room, months after I asked politely for it and was promised it.  If you don't want me hanging out in the basement, then please put cable in my room.  That seems like a fair compromise.  Also, my boyfriend had nothing to do with the mess.  And you should be nice to him no matter what.  He's nice to you.  In fact, last week, I forgot my debt card while buying Mom something and he offered to pay so I could get the jacket she needed for her.  He never complained about it, just stepped up.  He also helps with things around the house, pays attention to your dog when you're out working, and will sit with Mom so I can get other things done around the house.  So hinting that you won't be nice to him anymore isn't really your best option."

"You're a pig!  I can't believe you live in filth!  This is a family house.  Grow up!"

What happened: I lost it.  I completely and totally lost it.  This was all over two sweatpants and a pair of boots.  I kid you not.  He swears there were more things on the floor.  There weren't.  I wish I had picture proof.  It was bad.

New Response: "I'm sorry you feel that way.  This is not in fact a family house because I have no say as to what happens in this house.  So lets find a solution.  I either get a say in how the rest of the house is run, or I get my own space.  So unless I move my things around the house into other rooms, which would include me being able to leave my purse in the kitchen (a no-no at this point), leave my shoes by the front door (another no-no) and leaving a blanket unfolded in the basement, I'd suggest that you let me have my own space.  I am twenty four years old.  And my bedroom isn't hurting anyone in the house.  So you have a choice to make.  Your daughter, or your daughter's room.  You get one.  You can't have both.  So make your pick and be done with it."

"I hear you were in the doghouse this week"

What happened: My father told my entire extended family that we had gotten into a fight.  He told them I acted like a child and that I was a pig.  My extended family passed this story around.  Most parents defend their children.  My mother always did.  But not the Grinch.  He throws me and my sister under the bus repeatedly.  And I let him do it.

New Response: If I hear anything, I'm calling my father up on the spot and demanding an apology.  I will ask him if he would like me to start talking crap about him to everyone, something I don't do in real life because I don't find it fair to only tell one side of the story.  And honestly, I'd tell whoever was gossiping about me that they need to evaluate the source.  They know that I'm not a bad person.  Had they taken the time to think about what I was being accused of, I think they would have realized it was crap.  So I'd probably remind them to think things through next time.  Because if they form a negative opinion on me based on half of a story from someone who is clearly over the edge, then they aren't as supportive or as loving as I thought.  Boom on both fronts!

I can't keep living the way I've been living.  But I also let the Grinch take control over the situation.  And as an adult, it's time for me to take that control back.  He's just going to need to find another outlet.

Adoptive Family Tree

Emotionally I'm pretty washed out.  So I'm writing about something that's completely different today.  My adoptive family tree.

I don't consider it to be my family tree.  In fact, if I haven't met people on the tree, then I don't consider them to be family.  At all..  I never have, and I never will.  Even before I starting dealing with adoption issues, I've never felt connected to them.  Those people are in my parents' pasts, but not mine.  It's interesting for them, but I just find it to be a good story.

When I did my own family tree on Ancestry.com, I felt bad about leaving them out.  Classic adoptee guilt!  Nobody said anything to me, I just internalized it.  So I made one for each of my parents.  Yes, I own four trees on that website.  One's mine, one's Rudy's, one's my mom's, and one's my dad's.  For my adoptive parents, I put in what I knew and worked from there.  I didn't combine them because they don't have biological children to pass that tree onto.  But I figured I could always give it to my cousins and they'd have their tree or at least half of it should they want it.  I digress.

A few weeks ago I got an email that someone private messaged me on Ancestry.com.  Ok, I thought.  It was in regards to my a-dad's family tree.  Which is public.  Turns out this woman had a question about my great-grandmother.  My great-grandmother was a peach.  Not really.  Somehow she grew up with an aunt and uncle.  Nobody knows why that is.  She refused to tell anyone.  Nobody knew anything about her past and if they did, they aren't alive anymore.  All we knew was that she ran off with the butcher boy so her aunt and uncle wouldn't send her to finishing school, had four kids, her only baby girl died, and her husband left her.  She sent her boys off to work at a farm (my grandfather was three at the time) and eventually married the milk man.  I kid you not.  I recently learned that her uncle sent her an allowance every month of $40, which was a lot of money back then.

This person on Ancestry.com was confused because the records show her born to one family, but raised in another.  Sounds an awful lot like adoption to me just without the name change.  In fact, this person would have gotten it completely wrong had my great-grandmother's last name been changed on the records, which would have happened if she was formally adopted.  Go figure.

So I private messaged the lady back and explained that yes, she had the right person and how all those people were connected.  Never heard back.  Rude.

So now that I was back on Ancestry.com after a short break (even though I still pay for it every month), I noticed my mom's family tree had a lot of hints.  So I followed them.  And then holy crap I made a discovery, or what felt like one.  My mom has a very German maiden name.  She's mostly Irish, but the last name is German.  Turns out the name doesn't come from Germany but from Switzerland!  I called my grandfather for confirmation and turns out he knew about it all along.  I guess they just never talked about it.  My dad knew (so my mom knew too) but the younger children in the family didn't.  Because the name is famously German, nobody questioned it.  So naturally I put it up on Facebook and invited everyone to view the tree.  Because a lot of my cousins are about to get to that point where they need it for school.  I'm nothing if not helpful.

No comments thus far on the fact that I didn't list my sister and myself on the tree.  We don't belong there.  I have my own.  But it's not something that we discuss as a family.  So I'm surprised that nobody chose to comment.  I'm also pretty sure some of my cousins have no clue my sister and I are adopted.  So I could see them scratching their heads.

It's a fun hobby.  And I have a few more hints, and I was recently emailed about for Rudy's family tree.  So I have some more fun research ahead of me.  I love this stuff!

Wish I Could Fast Forward

Fast Forward Please?

I can't help but feeling that things are changing once again.  There's been a lot of changes in my life lately, including today when I head over to my cousin's wedding, the first cousin to be married (on my adoptive mom's side anyway).  One change is that we got new furniture for our family room and kitchen so our whole living space looks different.  Another change is that my friends have jobs now so I see them less often.  And my adoptive sister has moved back home and is causing problems again.  Though the problems part isn't a change, her living back at home is.  My stress level has gone through the roof because I can't handle the toxic environment in that house.  Everyone hates each other.  I swear, it's so bad you could cut the tension with a knife.  I digress...

My reunion feels like it's changing.  There's talk of me potentially being let out of the closet a little bit.  I really don't want to get my hopes up.  A few months ago, I would have been absolutely thrilled at the idea of anyone finding out about me.  I would have been so thrilled to feel like I was moving forward in some way.  But right now, I can't imagine any other changes in my life.  What if my family, who for now doesn't know about me, doesn't want to meet me?  What if they are so hurt by the whole thing they don't want to deal with me?  Then because they know about me, it's really up to them when to get in touch with me.  So I have to have the idea of reunion floating over my head?

I don't want to sound whiny.  That's not my intention.  It's just that when I've entered into a reunion relationship with someone new (and so far it's only been two people), it's been all consuming.  It's all I can think about for days.  I write and rewrite emails.  I ponder over every message, every picture.  I wonder where things are going to go.  And I can't help but think about how things could end so badly.  It's stressful and amazing all at the same time.  On one hand I get to know my family, something that I've always wanted.  Missing puzzle pieces aren't so missing anymore.  And I am a new person now that I finally feel like I have a background I can be proud of.  But at the same time, I've got so much on my plate right now.  So so much.

All of these changes keep happening and I have no control over it.  I know that if I asked SinginInTheRain for some space, he'd back off ASAP.  I know he would.  I still might not be a secret, but I could request for some more time before starting to build any new relationships.  But we all know that I would never forgive myself if I did that.  And we all know that's not going to work for me.

So it looks like I'm going to have to get on board and deal with this now.  I'm going to have to organize my life in such a way that I can deal with a possible new reunion (or two) within the next month.  Who knows?  It could go wonderfully.  A lot of times I go back and reread my posts where I had a minor flip out and I can't help but laugh because I was worried over nothing.  I'm hoping that this turns out to be nothing.

At the same time, nothing is set in stone.  Plans could change.  Plans probably will change.  More likely, Thanksgiving break will come and go and it won't be any different.  I also don't think that I'd even be told if the possibility of telling is put off.  I think it would just be glossed over.  I'd have to ask, and how does one ask about that?  Can you imagine it?  "Hey um, so you mentioned before that I wasn't going to be a big secret anymore, just maybe a medium sized secret.  Um, yeah, so how's that going?"  Pretty sure if I have to ask, I'm going to do it just like that! ;-)

To end this post on a good note, my life could change for the better.  It really could.  I could end up with a new relationship that makes my life better.  It could be amazing.  It could be the start of something that will continue for the rest of my life.  A wonderful thing.  Maybe that's why I'm so scared.  Because right now I can dream of that.  Come this time next month, I may know if it's not going to come to pass.  Sigh.  Wish life has a fast forward button sometimes!

Preparations Part 2

Hope I'm not left out in the Cold!

See Part 1 Here

Yesterday's post was so long I had to break it up in two.  I'm preparing for my third visit with my first father.  Which happens to fall on my birthday.  This could go amazingly well, or really really wrong.  I'm trying to prepare for all the ways it could go wrong.

Now there are several things that could go wrong.  I'm being open about stuff right?  Well I know for a fact that my adoptive father has withdrawn his support.  He's taking everything out on me these days and I hate that, but there's not a lot I can do about it.  I'm the emotional punching bag, the person who stops him from exploding at my mother, and the peace keeper.  I hate that role but it is what it is.

I'm going to tell my mother about meeting up with SinginInTheRain because I promised her that I would.  I'm just going to wait until my dad isn't around.  Mentally, she's a lot more there now than she was a few weeks ago.  Like it's amazing the progress that she's made.  She's almost back to being her old self.  So while she might not remember, she'll almost defiantly remember if I don't tell her. So I'm going to keep my promise and let her know that I'm meeting up with him.  She might freak out and ask that I not go.  I highly doubt it, but it could happen.  More likely than not she'll just be like "Ok whatever" and that will be the end of it.  She might ask to meet him.  If that's the case, things could get complicated.  But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.  I'm not going to worry about that right now because I actually think her meeting him would be a good thing.  But I doubt it's going to happen.

My grandmother is going to be at my house for the day. You know, THAT grandmother.  Now I've sworn to be honest if I'm asked, but I can't see this ending well for me so I'm going to the "spa" as far as she's concerned.  Which is true because that's what I've decided to do after my visit.  I'm going to need to relax.  But there's a chance she might not come to hang out with my mom.  And because I have the day off, that would be bad because it's a lot harder to find a replacement for her if everyone knows I'm off.  Which they all do.  So if she doesn't show because her leg has been bothering her and she doesn't like driving, I might be stuck.  It's happened before.  The back up plan is to play the birthday card.  Hard.

"It's my birthday and I made plans to go to the spa!  I really was looking forward to this, can you PLEASE help me out and come watch Mom for a few hours?  I just really need a day for myself and it's my birthday and I need to relax."  

It might work.  I hope.  Wow, rereading that I realize I need to clarify.  I love spending time with my adoptive mom.  But it's stressful and challenging.  I don't want to spend my birthday feeling stressed and challenged.  I'd rather be at work than watching my mom by myself all day (she sleeps a lot too so I'd have to keep busy doing other things by myself at my house... not so much fun).  I'm not a heartless witch.  I was told that I'm not allowed to hang out with my mom that day by my aunt who has become like a second mom to me through all of this.  Because she wants me to be relaxed and enjoy my birthday.  It's the one day of the year I get to make it all about me.  So I will.

I could naturally run into problems with my adoptive father.  Who knows where his mind is at these days?  He will probably be coming home to see my mom around the time that I'm leaving.  Because it's my birthday, there's a chance he might want to hang out with me or take me to lunch.  I highly doubt it, but it could happen.  Or he could run to the mall to get something for my birthday and I could run into him there.  It could happen.  How awkward would that be?

"Oh hi Dad.  What are you doing here?  Oh, shopping for my birthday?  Um, cool.  So this is SinginInTheRain, you know, the person I'm not supposed to talk about or mention in any way because you feel threatened?  Well, this is him!  We're having lunch, on my birthday...  So yeah.  Well, we're gonna go.  Me and my birth father [first father].  Love you!  See you at home for dinner!"

Yikes!  That would be bad.  But it's a possibility.  To avoid super awkward situations like this one, I'm going to let him know beforehand I think.  I'm waiting until he's calm.  After I talk to my mom.  So I'll know how she feels first, and then I'm just going to mention it to him.  But he's going to have to be alone.  And I have to have a game plan.  And I need to be prepared to run out of there quick.  And I need to be ready to laugh it off.  I need to be mentally prepared.  And I have to figure that all out QUICK because I'm seeing SinginInTheRain in a matter of DAYS. (Eee!)

Most likely out of all these scenarios is that I'm going to run into someone I know.  This is not just likely, I'd be floored if it didn't happen.  So I'm going to have to introduce SinginInTheRain to someone I know.  Which is going to be interesting because I've never done that before.  And it's going to get back to my parents.  That's just how my hometown is.  You know how there are all these little towns across America where everyone knows each other's business?  I think that we place these towns geographically in our minds in the southern part of the country, or the western part of the country, or at least I do anyway.  Turns out we have them in the East as well!  So that ought to be interesting.  I'm still working on wrapping my head around this one.

Why post about this?  Because I'm preparing for the worst.  I'm preparing for hell.  That way, if something does go wrong, I'll either have a backup plan already in place or at the very least, be mentally prepared for it.  So that's why I'm blogging about this.  Getting ready for failure.  Because then if things go wonderful, it's even better.

Fingers crossed!

Backlash on Day 2

So I decided to be more open about my reunion in my everyday life.  If you didn't read the post and don't feel like it, I've decided I need less stress in my life and my family is either behind me or not.  And it's not my issue if they aren't.  I can't keep hiding it.  I talk to my first father a lot.  We talk on the phone at least once a week, but lately it's been two shorter conversations twice a week.  So things come up.  I tell him about my life, he tells me about his, and it's usually pretty relevant as to what's going on.  So sometimes things come up.  I don't instigate problems, but if it fits with the conversation I'm not going to hide who I'm talking to.

It blew up in my face last night.  I'm still proud of me though for sticking to my guns.  Here's what happened:

My sister has bedbugs in her apartment.  She didn't have to get an apartment for the school year as her school is close enough to commute, but she didn't want to live at home.  So my parents paid for her to get an apartment, even though things are a little tight now that my mom is out on disability (and not getting a full paycheck) and my dad isn't working overtime.  So now she has to deal with all of that stuff.

While talking to SinginInTheRain yesterday, I told him about the bedbug situation.  My sister was coming home for the night, and was bringing some stuff to wash.  I was a little bit worried about it because I heard that it doesn't take much for them to spread from one house to another.  Anyway, turns out SinginInTheRain's father (my grandfather) had bedbugs in his apartment.  His niece (my cousin) brought them into the first floor of the two family house and it spread throughout the whole house.  He told me what a nightmare it was to get the problem fixed.  They had to hire an exterminator, get new furniture (couch, mattresses, etc), and it was overall a huge hassle.

My sister came home and didn't really get why my dad and I were freaking out about her stuff.  He made her take everything out of her purse in the garage and put her purse, sweatshirt, and shoes in a plastic bag which was emptied into the dryer ASAP.  She went straight into the shower and put the rest of her clothes in the dryer and put it on the highest heat setting it would go.  Hopefully that killed them.  My dad and I were left in the kitchen and he asked me if I thought he should put his clothes in the dryer as well because he had been to her apartment to pick her up.  I didn't think it was a bad idea.

It was like a volcano erupted in our kitchen

So now we're talking about bedbugs.  It's a natural conversation.  And we don't know anyone else who has had to deal with this problem.  So I causally mentioned that I had talked to SinginInTheRain.  "Who?" he asked.  "My biological father" I answered.  My dad and I don't usually talk about him, but we have in the past and my dad knows I'm in touch with SinginInTheRain.  I finish my story about how expensive the exterminator was, how they had to get new furniture, and how we should be extra careful.  Then I got the lecture.

"Don't talk about those people around your mother."

"What?" (thinking I didn't hear him right)

"You heard me.  I said don't talk about those people around your mother.  You'll just upset her and she needs to be able to focus on getting better right now.  She doesn't need added stress.  So enough already."

"Dad, for starters, Mom probably wouldn't know what was going on..."

"Yes, yes she would!  You don't know what she understands and doesn't!" (She called me her sister two days ago and doesn't know my name.  She doesn't remember what she ate for breakfast an hour ago.  Yeah, ok Dad)

"Ok, fine, say she did know what was going on.  Mom and I talk about this stuff all the time.  It's not new, and it's not news to her."

"Did you not hear me?  Enough already!"

At this point the volume was pretty loud so I walked away.  I could have stayed but it wasn't worth it.  I wasn't expecting that so I didn't have my arguments ready.  I was fuming.  Absolutely fuming.  And I don't do well when I'm fuming.

My mom was upset when I told her about meeting SinginInTheRain.  She wasn't mad that I met him.  She was really happy for me.  She was upset that I didn't tell her about it.  She was mad that I kept it from her because I tell her everything, everything that is except this.  She didn't quite get that it wasn't about her, it was about me, but that's another post for another day.  After that, I started to talk to her about it more.  I would tell her funny stories SinginInTheRain had told me, let her know when I met him again (she didn't remember me telling her about it beforehand), and tried to keep her in the loop.  She never asked me to stop.  She never told me she didn't want to hear it.  In fact, she loved that I would talk to her about those things.  It took her mind off of her own problems.

So I'm not very happy that my father is trying to "gag order" me.  I woke up this morning though and realized something.  He can't.  He can put his fingers in his ears and go "La la la!" all he wants for all I care.  I know how my mom feels about this.  He doesn't because he hasn't talked to her about it.  And I'm not going to edit myself.  I'm sticking to my plan.  I'm being more open.  I'm making it not a big deal.  And he wants to be stupid about it, he's only hurting himself.  I live with my parents, but I'd gladly be kicked out.  I'd love to live on my own, but I feel like I can't now because of my mom.  I get kicked out because I won't stop talking about my first family, well, that would be just perfect for me.  I could leave string free and guilt free.

Now I have the added benefit of knowing it's just going to piss him off.  Lately I'm all for pissing him off.  He's been super controlling lately and trying to cut me out of my mom's care.  I stepped up to take care of her this summer.  Apparently he doesn't think he needs me anymore.  I'd love to go back to being a normal 23 year old.  I'd love that.  My mom doesn't remember me anyway.  I'd love to get out of the house and not deal with that on a day to day basis.  And he would be giving me a great out.  He'd be screwing himself over because a) he only has one set of hands and sometimes you need two with my mom b) he'd lose his only help with the housework c) everyone would start calling him instead of me for updates d) I organize everything... he'd be on his own with that and e) I keep track of my mom's medication (she takes seven different medication at different times on different days).  Good luck with that Dad!

More Family Drama

Well, it's been an interesting week.  And for the first time, I feel I've been a bit alienated from my adoptive family.  I'm talking about my extended adoptive family just for clarification.

I always considered myself to be a "lucky one".  Not only do I have great adoptive parents (they have their flaws but who doesn't?) but I also have a big adoptive family which accepted me.  We're all very different, and there were times growing up when I felt very alone, but for the most part, I was never made to feel like an outsider on purpose.  My mom's sisters knew how much she had struggled, and wanted a child, and everyone sort of just jumped right on bored.  Maybe this wasn't the case at first, but by the time I was aware of anything, everyone seemed to be fine with my adoption.  It's never brought up.

I was never treated differently than my other cousins.  As I got older, I was treated differently because I acted differently.  While a number of my cousins (there are a lot of them) don't really go out of their way to stay in touch with my grandparents, I do.  I call once a week, stop in to say hi on my way home from work, and take the time to get to know them.  I have issues with my grandparents in the past (my grandfather and I don't get a long at all), but it's a personality thing, and a generational thing.  Not an adoption thing.  Of this I am sure.

My mom's family has weight issues.  Not major weight issues, but enough that there's a lot of dieting.  Someone is always on a diet.  Someone always looks great one Thanksgiving, and then packs on the pounds the next Thanksgiving.  It's just the way things are.  Thanks to genetics and the fact that I can't eat a lot of foods, I am a thin person.  I wasn't always super thin.  My boyfriend remarked the other day that my high school picture looks different to him.  I told him it was because I was twenty pounds heavier, so my face was rounder.  He couldn't get over it!  After high school, I had to stop eating a lot of my favorite foods because they were making me sick.  I can't eat pizza, ice cream, anything acidic, or drink milk, beer, OJ, soda, or anything with carbonation.  This means that I'm pretty much screwed when it comes to eating.  Sometimes it doesn't matter what I eat, I'm still going to feel sick no matter what. Case and point, I ate breakfast yesterday, managed to get some Cheerios down this morning, and will find a way to get down some food at lunch time.  So that's two days in a row where I've only been able to eat one full meal each day.  Not quite the best way to maintain a healthy weight.  It is what it is and when I feel better I'll go back to my normal diet (I really love food and eat lots of it when I can!) but the result is that I'm barely maintaining a healthy weight.  It's not something that I like to talk about because I know that it's a lot more common for people to loose weight and that a lot of my family members struggle with it.  I don't see them having much sympathy for me, so I keep quiet about it.  Plus there are so many other family members who are a lot sicker than I am.

My cousin is getting married in November.  We're all thrilled (we love his fiancee) and a few cousins decided to do a friendly competition to see who could lose the most weight.  Clearly I'm not joining in on this competition. Yet, I'm getting fifteen emails a day regarding this "friendly competition".  So I figured, I'd change things up a bit for me.  I'd use it as inspiration to get in shape.  I might be thin, but I'm very out of shape.  I can barely run a mile and survive.  So while everyone else is trying to lose weight for the wedding to feel good about themselves, I figured I'd get in shape and feel good about myself too.  So I told them I'd donate a $10 lottery ticket to the winner.  Well, apparently that was the wrong thing to do.  In following emails, I was labeled an "other" along with my uncle's girlfriend (someone else who's an outsider in the family) and it became pretty clear we weren't wanted.  I wrote an email explaining that I wanted to get in shape along with them and while for me that doesn't mean losing weight, I was going to try to add exercise to my day.  Didn't matter, I was still an "other" and they were going to kick me off the email list.  My cousin spoke up for me and let me know that I was more than welcome as long as that one particular aunt didn't care.  Things spiraled out of control from that point on.

I let them know I wasn't happy with the way things were going and asked to be taken off the email list.  My aunt apologized (she was just "joking around") and I've been kept on the list, though I haven't responded back. I think this was just so hard for me because it's the first time I've felt directly labeled as an "other" in my family.  And it didn't take a genius to realize who else was being labeled an "other", the one other person on that list that wasn't considered to be "real family" by a lot of people.

I think that my aunt and I need to have a talk at some point. She's going through a lot right now.  I know she has a lot on her plate.  But I do think she needs to understand how I was reading that email chain.  I don't know if she realized how I would make that jump.  She knows about my reunion, and she said she was supportive, but she's the aunt I was worried about.  I don't want to stir up more drama, but this is my family. I know I could easily let this go, and maybe I will.  And I'm so over it at this point.  But I do think this is something that is going to come up again.  And hopefully next time I won't lose it again.  I don't think my poor boyfriend can handle the tears again lol!

Changes

I've decided to make some changes to my blog.  I really want to let all my readers know what the changes are and why because I feel it's important.  And I'm really sorry I have to change things up.  It's not cool and I know it.  But when it comes down to it, I have to do what I think it best for me and my family.

I blog for a lot of reasons.  Some of the big ones is that it makes me feel better.  Venting and putting myself out there is a good thing.  It helps me a lot to get feedback, and to have people in my corner.  So that's a big thing for me.  I also blog because I think it's a topic that doesn't always get discussed.  Adoptees are expected to be grateful, and they aren't allowed to mourn the loss of their first family.  We need to change the way our society sees adoption and the only way to do that is to get the word out there.  When I was starting the searching process and my reunion, I poured through the web looking for anything that could help.  If someone comes to my blog, I'd want them to see that they aren't alone and it's ok.

Reading back through all of the posts, I realize that there's a lot on here that I would feel uncomfortable about if certain people found.  While I don't use real names, some of the details are a bit too specific.  The names are close enough to real life that it wouldn't take a lot to jump to conclusions.  And while I don't see too many people from my first family finding this, I would hate if one of my first parents found this blog.  I would hate it because there's a lot on here that a) they might feel was too specific and too private and b) I haven't talked to them about all of this stuff and it might be hurtful for them to read about how I really feel.  I would love to have these conversations with them, but I can't always do that.  It stinks.

I also an a bit worried about my adoptive family finding this blog.  There are just too many of them to have these conversations with.  It's totally draining to have some of these talks with two of them.  I have fifty people in my family counting first cousins and aunts and uncles.  That's not counting spouses, children, grandparents, or my immediate family.  That's a lot of people to deal with.

So in order to make myself feel a bit more secure, I've created another blog.  I'm going to start moving blog posts over to that other blog that I feel maybe should be a bit more private.  And they are password protected.  I have NO PROBLEM WHAT SO EVER giving out the password, as long as you promise not to pass it along without permission or post it anywhere.

It's going to take me some time to get this worked out.  I'm also going to change the names once again.  They are going to be nicknames now rather than actual names.  I think that would be for the best.  Again I'm really sorry about any confusion.  I just need to make sure that this blog isn't something that can be used against me in the future.  Nothing like being proactive...

Thanks again for your understanding!

A letter to my secret siblings - The Guardian

Except for the part about the grandmother and the sisters being adults, this letter is creepy it's so close to how I feel some days. My sisters are a bit younger though which makes it a little bit harder to come out of the adoption closet.

Letter to My Secret Siblings

Also, I came across this blog this morning.  For an non-adoptee, this is right on.  I believe everyone should have to read this.  Truly.

Adoption Sometimes Gets All Fucked Up 101

Guilt and Shame

I’ve had lots of time to think and reflect these past few weeks and I’ve realized that I haven’t really been fair to myself.  I’ve always been the considerate one, the person who puts others first.  I never brought up my adoption even when I needed to because I didn’t want to make my mother feel bad.  When I started emailing NeverTooLate, I didn’t understand her but I did my best and didn’t ask questions because of what she needed.  She didn’t want me to get in touch with SinginInTheRain, so I didn’t even though I needed to for me.

When you’re a kid, you know that normal people don’t give away their babies.  There needs to be a reason.  I know it’s not my fault that she was too young (insert your own excuse here) but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t know that my origins were something to feel shame for.  I wasn’t proud of my natural parents because I was told there was nothing to be proud of.  I lived with the guilt and shame my whole life for something I had no control over.  When I started my search, I didn’t initially tell my adoptive parents because I was afraid of hurting them.  I feel this tremendous guilt when it comes to giving them any details.

These feels were not helped by NeverTooLate who refused to deal with her new reality and the fact that I got in touch.  She kept me a secret from her husband, my natural father for another nine months.  That only further reinforced the guilt and shame.  When I finally got in touch with him, we have these amazing conversations but I’m still a huge secret.  I’m not good enough to tell people about.

I know I am good enough.  I know I deserve better.  I get that it’s complicated, but sometimes you just need to uncomplicated things.  I’m not perfect, but I’m not a horrible person either and I deserve to be treated like a person, not a thing that can be traded away and then taken back down the road.  So guilt and shame, get ready to take a hike.  I will not be caring you around with me anymore.