Request to Meet

It continues...

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm working on an email to my first mother asking her to meet.  It's been two years (weird) as of yesterday from when I sent my first letter to her.  We started emailing shortly thereafter (well, it took a month) and it lasted through the end of the summer.  In all that time, I never asked her to meet.

While that may sound weird, I did ask for other things.  I was taking baby steps.  First, I asked her to tell my first father about me.  She didn't.  Next, I asked her to speak to me on the phone.  She said she would, but didn't.  Each time she'd apologize and I honestly think she was being sincere.  She's not a bad person, just unsure of what to do next.  She was afraid of how her life could change and could only focus on the bad stuff.  She told me this (I add this so that people don't think that I'm trying to guess what she was thinking - this isn't a blog about my first mother's thoughts and feelings, it's about my thoughts and feelings and my perception of things).  Anyway, I asked to talk on the phone and when she finally told me she couldn't do it, things ended shortly thereafter.  I always assumed that we'd have to talk on the phone first before meeting.  I'm realizing now that doesn't have to happen. Nothing has to happen.  There are no rules.  We make it up as we go along.

I never explained to my first mother why I want to meet her.  I never actually went there.  I was so caught up in the phone call thing and trying to move forward that I never took the time to explain to her why it was so important.  Who knows what she's thinking or feeling about it, but she never heard from me why it's so important that I meet her.  It might not make one bit of a difference.  But maybe, just maybe it will.

I love my first mother very much.  I've been hurt by her actions before, badly.  I've been told things that I never wanted to be told, and I've had to face some harsh truths.  Yet, I still love her.  I still want to meet her.  And I still dream about her.  In the latest dream I met her in a coffee shop.  She was with KungFuPanda and they just happened to wander into the same coffee shop as me.  I don't like coffee.  NeverTooLate told me she doesn't like it either.  So weird.

My point being, I'm working on that email.  I'm going to tell her why it's so important for me to meet her, and why it can't wait.  I have to believe that if nothing else, at least I'll know that I gave it my all.  I tried everything.  I made every attempt, and I told her how I felt.  I can't believe I never told her why it was so important before. I'm going to fix that now.  It might have an impact, but I'm not going to hold my breath.  It doesn't mean that I can't try thought...