Making Decisions

It's been a week and I'm still processing.  I think it's going to take me a while.  I was cut off cold turkey so that was hard.  At least with my first mother, contact slowed down near the end.  I could see the writing on the wall.  I had an active part in ending things.  But this time around, I had no warning.  I went from at least a text message every day and talking at least once a week to nothing.

Last Sunday I watched the Patriots game and thought "I should text SinginInTheRain and see what he thought of that play!" because he's the only person I really talk football too.  Then I remembered I couldn't.  I volunteered at a Christmas party for 100 autistic kids and nearly texted him again with a funny story before I remembered once again, I can't do that anymore.

The thing is, it took me forever to trust him.  I mean really trust him.  For the longest time I'd hold my breath and wonder if each email would be the last, if each phone call would be the last.  I double checked all my text messages to make sure I wouldn't offend him.  I was so careful.

Then my mom got sick in the spring, and my first father was there for me.  And I started to trust him a little more.  Then my first father asked to introduce me as his niece and I was upset.  I told him I was upset and we talked it out.  We didn't solve anything, but things got better.  I started to trust him a little bit more because he hadn't turned and run.  And then my birthday rolled around and he made every effort to come and see me.  And after that, I fully trusted him.  Things finally felt normal.

And just like that it all went away.  To be clear, my first father didn't cut off all contact.  He told me he'd still make an effort to call me every once and a while, and he would still email me whenever he could.  Gee.  How generous of him.  Here's the thing.  It's not hard to clear the text messages on the phone.  I typically don't text him when he's at home.  So really, not my fault that he kept things on his phone.  It's super easy to delete a call from the log on the phone.  He's got a smart phone.  A monkey could do it.  So that's silly too.  And the whole email pops up JUST LIKE a text message, so really, there's no difference there, just that he moves them over on the computer and doesn't leave them on his phone.  No reason to end text messages.  Oh, and he had three days to think about it.  While that's not years, it wasn't like he got caught and then called me an hour later.  He did have some time to think about it.  And that was the best solution he could come up with.  And I wasn't included.  I was told this is how it's going to be.

I don't have to take that, and I won't.  I can't ever trust him again.  He knew it was going to hurt me, but honestly, he was more concerned about himself.  He lied to my sister's face.  I'm so angry on her behalf. And if he could lie to her, it's not a huge leap to see that he could lie to me.  So I'm done.  I'd be very happy never to see or hear from him again.  I've felt that way since I hung up the phone last week.  But I did want that email he promised me.  Because I wanted to see how much of an ass he is.  I got my email, the one I was promised six days after "The Call".  The way I see it, he could either have sent me a nice long apology email and try to patch things up, or he could have just pretended everything is ok.  Guess which one I got?  Apparently it was more important for him to tell me about how much he hates this weather than to say he's sorry.

I will meet my first mother someday.  I feel like I need to for me.  And I was worried that I would put it off because of him.  So that's one good thing.  I was going to wait to contact my siblings.  I don't have to anymore.  I'm going to contact them when I'm ready.  I might not be ready for a long time.  I don't know what I'm going to do because I don't want anything to be reactionary; it has to be well thought out.  So that's another positive.

I'm still processing.  And I'm so hurt by everything.  I didn't do anything wrong and I don't deserve this.  I don't deserve to be forced into a closet.  And my first family will eventually learn that living and breathing skeletons are the worst kind to have because eventually they set themselves free.