The Cycle Could Continue

Something that has always struck me was when one member of the "Triad" (stupid name, makes me think of a gang) participates in adoption as second time around.  They continue the cycle so to speak.  I'm not saying it's a bad thing; I'm choosing to withhold judgement.  I do think that an adoptee would make a better adoptive parent in that they in theory should understand what the adoptee is going through.  Rebecca over at Love Is Not a Pie is someone who comes to mind.  Another part of me wonders though if every adoptee things about adoption differently (of this I am convinced) then who's to say that an adoptee adoptive parent won't force their views on an adoptling?  It could happen.  Anyway, that is why I withhold judgement.  I can see pros and cons.  Moving on....

So it's an interesting concept.  And something that I think about from time to time.  I don't know enough about it.  And then I was rereading some old emails and letters and something that NeverTooLate emailed me stopped me dead in my tracks.

"[The girls] both say they don’t want to get married.  The funny thing is that they both talk about adopting a baby and not having one the other way."

Interesting.  Very interesting.  My sisters both talk about adopting a baby.  Now, the first thing that came into my head is that they were 12 and 15 at the time.  What 12 year old wants to get married?  I probably said the same thing at that age.  But I keep thinking about how that conversation must have gone down in their house.  How painful it must have been for NeverTooLate to have that conversation and know that she was hiding a huge adoption secret from them.  What could have been a teachable moment was instead probably an uncomfortable one.

My sisters, my full biological sisters who do not know how adoption has already touched their family, might continue the cycle without realizing it.  They might adopt without knowing that they have a sister they lost through adoption.  Because they did lose.  Those two girls lost the older sister they could have grown up with.  They lost having a big sister to cheer them on when they accomplished things, like KungFuPanda's acceptance into college this week, or Sandlot's softball win last year.  They lost having someone with a similar personality hanging around the house.  KungFuPanda lost dating advice and Sandlot lost someone to share her favorite candy with (again, arguably better for her that way -- more candy for her!).  No matter what way you look at it, they lost something because of adoption.  Would they feel the same way about adopting if they knew that?

Would they see a child who is a blank slate, or would they be more likely to see the family behind the child who lost the ability to raise them?  Would they see the need for a child (not the old fashioned way) or would they see a child who had a need for a family?  Would they feel differently about the whole thing?  I'm guessing probably.

I hope they know about me before it gets to that point.  I hope I've had the opportunity to talk to them and to be a part of their lives by the time they start thinking of having children.  I hope that by getting to know me, and learning about the loss in their own lives, they may start to see that adoption is not black and white.  While I would support my sisters in anything, even if I didn't approve, I would hope they would understand that their family has suffered, and take that into consideration.  If they chose to adopt, I would hope it was because they truly needed to, rather than because they just didn't feel like having kids "the other way".

First Letter

It's a rocky path

I'm still waiting for my first mother to email me back after I emailed her two weeks ago.  I've gotten emails back from her a month after my email, so it's not super odd.  It's just annoying this time because I want to order my email book from my first mother.  I love the one that I got of the emails between my first father and I, and I want that for my first mother.

I've been reading through some of the old emails and boy is it interesting.  I do that every once and a while but each time I remember a new snippet or gain a new insight.  I feel like I understand her a lot better now.  It would be so much easier if I could hate her.  It really would.  But I can't.  And I didn't understand why when my first father told me she was a great person, I understood.  Because she didn't treat me very well at the end.  But then I went back and reread some things, and I knew why it made sense to me when he said that.  Because the woman who started emailing me back in February of 2010 was very different than the one who closed the door on me.  It was nice to see the happy, and good side of her, even if just through those first emails.

I also can't believe how much I've grown over the last (nearly) two years.  I don't think I would have written the first letter the same way.  For kicks, here's a part of what I wrote:

My mother and I recently had a conversation where she offered to help me find you. She confessed it was partially selfish on her part as she wanted the opportunity to thank you for everything that you have given her. It made me think about how much I wanted to thank you for what you did for me. This was something that I needed to do on my own, but it made me realize just how much support I have. I guess what it comes down to is that I need you to know that I grew up loved and safe, and I can never thank you enough for this gift.

I don't think that I would have written that part the same way.  Then again, maybe I would have.  I don't know.  I've learned a lot over the last year or so.  I've gotten to know more adoptees, more adoptive parents, and more first mothers.  I've learned about issues surrounding adoption, and I've learned how to handle things in my own life better.  I may not be able to fix them, but recognizing you have a problem is the first big hurdle to cross.

It's been a long journey.  And it's not over.  This is something that I will be dealing with for the rest of my life.  I can only hope that the work that I have put in, and will continue to put into it will eventually help to smooth the way.  I've gotten a few of the big rocks cleared, a few of the little ones, but there's a lot more work to be done.  There are more hurdles to jump.  I just keep reminding myself that it's a marathon, not a sprint, and I have a long road ahead.  But I know I'm not in it alone, no matter how much it can feel like that some days.  I have some great people supporting me, who are behind me.  My letter reminded me of that.  So I'll come out a stronger person.  I know I will.  And I will survive this mess.

Letters

I was referred to a great letter today here and I wanted to share it.

When I was trying to get in touch with my first mother, I decided that I would write a letter.  I was going to write a letter so great it was going to make her love me instantly and she would know right away that I was an amazing person that she would love to get to know and to be a part of my life.  I laugh at myself now.  Anyway, I wanted to do some research because that's what college students are trained to do.  Have a problem?  Research it!  You can learn anything by doing research in college, or so our professors would tell us.

So off I go on Google (our library had very slim pickings when it came to adoption literature) and I start searching for how to write a letter to a birthmother (yes I used that term back them).  That's when I discovered the wonderful "Dear Birthmother" letters that adoptive parents write to expectant mothers in hopes of stealing adopting their baby.  The whole thing left a sick taste in my mouth.

Seeing this letter, a letter written from an "Adoptable Baby" made me realize how lucky I am that I have found a way to deal with my adoption at what I consider to be a young age.  I think that all potential adoptive parents and adoptive parents should take the time to read this letter because it could be your child.  I won't speak for adoptees who aren't me (because we all have different opinions) and sure maybe your child won't feel this way.  But then again maybe they will.  Seems to me like you should be prepared for both options just in case...

Letter Series: Dear Sisters

This post has been moved to: http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/letter-series-dear-sisters/

Letter Series: Dear Grandmother

This post has been moved to http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/04/11/letter-series-dear-grandmother/

Letter Series: Dear Grandparents

This post has been moved to: http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/04/10/letter-series-dear-grandparents/

Letter Series: Dear NeverTooLate

This post has been moved to: http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/04/09/letter-series-dear-n/

My First Letter

So I made it this far, now I had to decide what I wanted to do with my newly found information. Because I’m me, I did lots of research. I poured over books I found online about adoption and reunion. I learned that a lot of people felt the way I did. They went through the same emotions, dealt with the same things, and didn’t want to hurt their adoptive families either. On the other hand, I learned there were a lot of people who were not like me. They weren’t happy people and really struggled with everything. I still felt like I knew who I was. I didn’t need to get in touch with my natural parents to know who I was as a person. That wasn’t my issue, or so I thought at the time in my little bubble. I also wasn’t looking for a new family, just trying to get in touch with the family that would always be family purely for the blood that runs through my veins.  You can’t pick your family, so like it or not, they were mine as much as I was theirs even if they did give me away. If they didn’t want to talk to me, then that would hurt but not all that much because it wouldn’t really change my life. I was ok with where I was in my life; I just wanted to know more about my past and didn’t really want to wait. One woman wrote about finding her biological parents mere weeks after they died in a car accident. I didn’t want to be in her shoes. I decided to write a letter.

I sent it to NeverTooLate because SinginInTheRain wasn’t listed on WhitePages.com. I didn’t know where he was. He could have still been there and just kept a low profile online. He could have divorced her for whatever reason, which statistically I figured was very possible. 50% of marriages fail and my parents are still going strong, what are the odds so were my natural parents? I took two days to craft the letter to NeverTooLate. I mailed it from school and calculated how long it was going to take to get to her. I gave her my email address to respond, and I started checking my email account like crazy. I waited for two weeks. I feel bad for my boyfriend, because he had to listen to it. I also told my parents. It didn’t go over very well that I had kept it from them for a while that I had that information and made a decision all by myself. They didn’t want me to get hurt. At the same time, I really didn’t know what to expect back.

Sending that letter was one of the hardest and easiest things I’ve ever done.  It was so hard to drop it off in the box, but I never questioned if I could do it.  There was no question, I knew I had to send that letter, I had to make contact.  I couldn’t live with myself and with my life the way things were.  I needed more…