I Have A Date!

My first father finally got back to me.  He did apologize for not emailing sooner.  So that was good.  He gave me two options for dates and I emailed him back asking for the first one.  He said they could meet me anywhere and that the earlier in the day the better.  Fine by me!

I took a big step for me, though I don't think he's going to get it.  I told him that it might be easier to figure things out over the phone.  I asked him to call me about a week beforehand.  Or I told him if email was easier for him he could do that as well.

No big deal right?  Well here's the thing.  The last time I spoke to my first father on the phone, he threw me under the bus and told me that he couldn't talk to me anymore and destroyed the trust that we'd been building up for just over a year.  Just like that, everything was changed.  My faith in our relationship was gone and I will possibly never fully forgive him for it.  The thought of talking to him on the phone causes ripples of anxiety down my spine and I actually tense up.  Even typing it out is hard.  But I'm going to have to face him in a few weeks.  I'm going to have to find a way to move past it.  Joy.  I'm just so happy that I will have Rudy next to me when I do it.  That's the only way I'm going to be able to face this situation....

We'll see if he calls.  He gets out of work when I'm leaving for work at this point so we'll see how that goes.  In a way it works out well because I'll have to go in to work and can't get stuck on the phone.  I've had a few tense phone conversations in the morning and I've gotten really good and brushing it off when I walk through the door at work.  So we'll see...  He may not even call.  He might just email.

It's real.  It's happening.  And ironically it's not the biggest source of stress in my life right now.  I've been deleting blog posts like crazy because I'm steaming mad about something that happened this past weekend with an issue outside of adoption.  Someone tried to inject themselves into my relationship and force my hand about where I'm going to live.  Um, not ok.  So I'm stressed to the max now about that.  This other stuff?  Just icing on the proverbial cake.  Yum.

I'm Really Going To Meet Her...

It's been a week and I'm still processing that I'm going to meet my first mother.  I always knew that someday I'd meet her, even if it meant that I'd have to show up on her doorstep.  However, this isn't a theory anymore.  This is actually happening.  Like we're going to see each other face to face for the first time.  Ever.  Because she didn't see me when I was a baby.  Wow.  Deep breath.

She wants to bring my first father.  I have mixed feelings for several reasons.  For starters, I've always kept my relationship with her and my relationship with him as separate as I could.  They are two individuals and so I've done my best to treat them that way.  NeverTooLate has come up in conversations with SinginInTheRain, and he's been mentioned in the emails that I sometimes exchange with her.  It's sort of an awkward position to be in but then again the whole situation is awkward so that's nothing new.  Meeting her with him there... well that's going to merge the two.  All three of us are going to share the same experience.  Before the other was merely mentioned, the third did not participate.  This is uncharted territory for all three of us.

My next concern is that I'm still angry with my first father from last December.  I haven't spoken to him since then, though we have emailed a bunch of times since then.  I'll admit to listening to an old voice mail from time to time when I have a hard day.  I'm working so hard on forgiving him, but I know that I'll never really be able to trust him again.  It's so hard for me at times because he really did hurt me, more than I think he realizes.  It's going to be hard for me to see him.  It's going to be hard to put a smile on my face and pretend that I'm happy he's there.  However, I'm scared of what happens if I can't pull it off.  I don't want to give my first parents any reason not to tell my sisters about me.  I'm really hoping that this is going to help speed things up a bit in that regard and I don't want them to think that I hate him.  I don't hate him.  I'm hugely disappointed and hurt.  That makes me angry.  However, I still don't hate him, though I could see people being confused by that.  I'm starting to wonder if I should talk to him on the phone beforehand...  We'll see.

Finally, I'm nervous about the two of them being there to my one person.  As my first father told me several times, if it comes down to me or her, he picks her.  Which I understand.  She's his wife and partner in life.  He's known her forever.  I've dealt with this with my adoptive parents too.  If it was between me and my adoptive mother, my adoptive father would pick my adoptive mother every time.  It's not always the nicest feeling, but it's the truth and I've learned to accept it.  I know that meeting my first mother is going to be emotional for me.  I had a hard time meeting my first father, so I'm expecting it to be a million times harder.  We have so much more history between us and we haven't spoken on the phone.  It will be the first time I will hear her voice since the day I was born.  It's going to be hard and overwhelming.  There's no getting around that.  I have no idea how I'm going to react.  I'm sure this is going to be very hard for her as well.  Only she's going to have him there with her.  She's going to have her life's partner there to hold her hand.  I can't go alone into that situation.

I've asked Rudy to come with me.  For starters, he's been with me through this whole process.  He read my first letter before I sent it.  He held me when I cried when she told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore.  He smiled and laughed with me when I told him that my first father wanted to meet me.  He's spent hours on the phone with me listening to the latest news.  He got angry for me when my first father threw me under the bus.  He was angrier than I was at the time and he helped me to see that the decision my first father made had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with him.  Rudy is my life's partner and my support.  If that isn't enough of a reason, he isn't connected to my adoption the same way that my adoptive family is and therefore won't bring those emotions into the meeting.  His concern with this meeting is because it's so important to me, his girlfriend of five and a half years.  Plus, with him there, I have someone who can distract them if I need a minute to collect myself, and I have someone there who can take a picture!

We're still working out details.  My first parents are on the same page with this and I've already gotten an email from my first father going over a few things.  I didn't think she'd let me know so fast so I assumed that by the time she figured it out we'd be past Rudy's busy season.  He's busy until the end of March and I really need him there with me.  I know I met SinginInTheRain alone, and that was the best choice at the time.  This time is different and I simply need someone else there.  I'm going to make this work.  And I'm not driving.  I'm making Rudy drive.  I'm not letting my nightmare come true!  So right now, I'm waiting for my first parents to give me a date (after Rudy's busy season) and hopefully I'll know within the next few days!  Wish me luck!

Looking in the Mirror

The Mirror

I've been trying to pamper myself lately.  I don't always take the time to stop and think about how far I've come.  When I look in the mirror I tend to see the faults and flaws, and not the positives.  The other day I caught my reflection in the mirror and I actually stopped.  I realized that I'm too hard on myself sometimes.  It's funny, but I see myself in a completely different light than I used to.

When I used to look in the mirror, I'd only see question marks.  I didn't know where my skin tone came from or where my curly hair came from.  I had no clue who else had the same brown eyes.  I couldn't see the history that was written on my own face.  It was frustrating to have my lack of knowledge of where I came from thrown in my face.  Every.  Single.  Day.  And when I was so frustrated, I'd nitpick.  My nose is too big.  My skin likes to throw temper tantrums a lot (especially right before something where lots of pictures are going to be taken).  My hair and I have a love/hate relationship.  My face has a funny shape.  My teeth are OK thanks to braces, but they could be whiter.

I didn't see those things in the mirror the other day.  My skin is clearing up from it's most recent tantrum and is looking good again.  My hair was having a good day and was cooperating.  My teeth are looking a lot whiter thanks to some great new whitening toothpaste.  And I know that my facial structure comes from my first father and my first mother.  I've always loved my eyes, but now there's another reason why I love them.  When I met my first father, the first thing I noticed was that he has the exact same eyes as me.  It's like looking in the mirror.  What an odd feeling.  Now when I look in the mirror I see that history there.  I see my heritage and my biological family reflected in my face.  I know this is a huge reason why I want to meet my first mother, so that I can see for myself our similarities.  Pictures just don't cut it.

I've been trying to be better to myself these past few weeks.  When I was looking in the mirror, I realized that I'm a lot more put together than I used to be just a few months ago.  I'm exercising.  My anxiety levels are a lot lower.  I'm more relaxed because I'm getting out my pent up energy.  I need to work on the sleep thing, but I'm getting there.  I've been a friendly person to be around and I'm more likely to smile on my own rather than forcing it.  I'm eating right.  I'm putting on (good) weight.  Meals are no longer an epic battle.  How exhausting that was...  I'm doing things that I enjoy and spending more time with my extended family.  I have my hard days for sure and I'll always have my hard days.  But I'm managing a lot better.

It really is true.  I got some great advice about being happy.  "Fake it 'til you make it".  I never thought it would work.  But I tried.  I made myself smile more.  I faked a good mood even when I really didn't feel like it.  I forced positive energy into my life when I wanted to lie down and give up.  And suddenly, I seem to find myself happier without really trying.  The changes I've been making in my life recently are starting to pay off.  I'm trimming out the negativity and added in things that are good for me in their place.  It's working so far, and I hope to keep it up.

I like the girl in the mirror these days.  I want to keep liking her...

Boy Drama

So Rudy and I had a rough month.  The distance thing is awful.  We never planned on spending this much time away from each other after graduation.  We figured we'd have more freedom when we weren't tied down to getting our degrees.  We both stayed at school for an extra year for our masters and graduated at the same time.  We're both finished with our education unless I decide to go back someday (unlikely).  I was going to try to stay there for a year while he worked toward his CPA licence.  Then we were going to move together up near my family.  God's cracking up at our plans right now!  A pesky brain tumor wormed its way into the best laid plans and boom!  I'm home taking care of my sick mommy and Rudy's stuck in another state trying to get his licence and working for a company I'm starting to view as the Evil Empire.

Long distance relationships are hard.  They aren't for the weak.  You have to trust the other person 100% in order for it to work.  I had a friend point out once that Rudy could be doing whatever he wanted because I'd have no way of knowing.  A) My boyfriend isn't like that and B) I'd know.  That's the benefit of having loads of friends down there.  One of them would slip.  Something would come out.  And Rudy's either at work, talking to me on the phone, or with his family.  And we see each other nearly every weekend.  So in that sense I do trust him 100%.  You also have to know when it's going to be over.  You have to have a time in mind when you aren't going to be long distance and you're going to start being in a "normal" relationship.  Long distance isn't a permanent thing, at least not in my mind.  It's temporary.  So you have to have a rough idea as to when.  Rudy and I are having issues with that.  His job makes it nearly impossible for him to move, or have an idea as to when he's going to move.  He can either quit his job in a year and risk not being hired by someone else (he'd be short his licence) or he can wait it out a lot longer than we had planned and move up here in two years.  Two years, after already being apart for a half of a year, is a lot longer than we thought.  I can't move.  It's not an option with my mom being the way that she is.  So we're at a standstill.  I'm not 100% sure of how things are going to work out.

At the same time, I know that he's the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with.  We've been together coming up on five and a half years.  I know him backwards and forwards.  I can tell when he's annoyed with me.  I can tell when he's trying not to laugh and failing.  I can tell when he's sad.  I can tell when he's thrilled.  I can tell when he's frustrated at the situation too.  These are all things I can pick up over the phone.  I've gotten so good at reading him because that's our major form of communication.  I know him backward and forward and I know who he is.  I know the essential parts of Rudy.  He's my other half.  He's my best friend.  He's the person first think of in the morning, and the last person I think of as I'm falling asleep.

So we're starting to plan for our future together.  Because if we don't, I'm going to lose my mind.  First step, plan a vacation for next year.  After all our time apart, we need some time together just the two of us.  I can't wait!

Shifting Thinking

I'm having a hard time dealing with everything.  I know it's going to take me some time, but it's so hard on top of everything else.  I've had to shift my thinking and make some changes in my life and in my plans.

I had a book made of all the emails in the first year between me and my first father.  I thought we'd have a second year to add to it later.  There have been a grand total of four emails from him since them, and they are all very short.  So I guess no more second book.  It was next to my bed before because I was reading it at night.  I had to move it I was so upset, so under my bed it went.  That only lasted a day and I put it up in the attic  buried as deep as I could get it without looking at the cover (which is a picture of the two of us).

I deleted all the text messages out of my phone (but took screen shots of the last few days) and moved all the pictures to a separate part of the phone in storage (that I need to actively look for and put in a password for).  I deleted the picture out of his contact information and wiped the call log of his name.  He was removed from my favorites.  I'd delete him completely but I need to know when not to answer the phone.  I'll probably change his name to "Do Not Answer" instead.

A filter was added to my inbox so any email will bypass it and therefore not end up on my phone.  I'd kept an email in my inbox from last March after we first met, and that was moved out and away so I won't have to look at it anymore unless I go seeking it out.

My plan was to order a book for all the emails with my first mother.  I was going to try to do that sooner rather than later.  I'm still going to do it, but I'll probably let some time go by to give myself some time to heal.  I've decided to get a storage box that I can put everything in and seal it up.  I'll store it all in the attic together, where I don't have to look at the remnants of a failed reunion.  Someday I'll go back through it, maybe when I have my own kids and they start asking questions, but right now I want nothing to do with it.  I won't get rid of it because it's important to me to have some answers for any children I might have, but I can't bear the thought of even having it around me.

Honestly, I don't care anymore if I accidentally out my first family here.  That was my major concern before.  That someone they knew would find out because of me.  But now I'm not interested in keeping their secret.  So I'm here, publicly.  And if anyone finds this, then so be it.

I'm going to make an honest go at the email thing next month.  I said I would, so I will.  But it's never going to be quite the same.  I've lost my faith in my reunion.  I don't think I'm ever going to be able to get it back.  And I'm so hurt over this still, even after an apology.  I'm hoping that with time, I'll start to heal, but for now I can't even look at an email or a book.

Apology Email

So I wrote yesterday's post on Friday so that I could take a break for the weekend and go away for a mini-vacation with my school family.  I had a wonderful talk with my school Mommy on Saturday night.  I told her what's been going on and she helped me to figure a lot of things out.  She had some amazing advice for me.  She told me that I was taking on too much.  It's too much for a normal person to handle.  So she suggested that I take a break from things for a while and focus on myself.  She could see that I'm not doing to well with the whole reunion and other issues, and she wants me to take better care of me.

So I decided that I'm going to make a huge effort to do that from here on out.  She liked that I made it so that my emails wouldn't come through to my inbox.  She liked that I was going to deal with my reunion in small doses rather than big disappointing ones.  And she got 100% why I was upset.  I love my school Mommy.

So we had this lovely talk.  And when I woke up the next morning, I checked my special folder one more time to say goodbye in a way for a little while.  I wasn't planning on it, but I needed to put it to rest so I could really make a fresh start.  And naturally there was an apology email in there, that had been sent the morning before.

My first mother it seems stood up for me.  SinginInTheRain told NeverTooLate what had gone down between us (I'm guessing this happened Friday night).  She told him he was an idiot.  She explained that there were other solutions.  He could delete text messages.  Ask that I only text him while he's at work.  The light bulb went off and he knows he's an idiot.  He said he was sorry.  He explained that he's new to this and it's hard for him.  He understood if I didn't want to talk to him.

Wow.  I was amazed.  It was exactly what he should have sent a week earlier.  But at least he sent it.  And my first mother stood up for me.  That was pretty amazing too.  Because I don't trust her I'm inclined to think she had an ulterior motive (as long as I'm talking to one of them they have the upper hand) but I can pretend for a little bit.

I emailed him back yesterday morning.  I thanked him for the email and told him I appreciated the apology.  I explained that yes I had been hurt and that it had taken me a long time to trust him.  So it was a double wammy for me.  I also explained that I have a lot going on right now, and I'm not in a great place.  I asked him to give me a little space for now and maybe we can try the email thing and see how it goes.  I asked him what he thought about that, and hit send.

We'll see.  I can't text him right now.  Just the idea hurts too much.  And I have so much going on.  I'm making some changes in my life regarding my boyfriend.  I can't deal with boyfriend drama and reunion drama at the same time.  Add to this that my sister moved home for good this past weekend.  That's a blog post in itself.  I have a funny feeling I'll be moving out by Spring.  The point is, it's too much for right now.  It's too much right before the holidays.  We've given up on the decorations.  It's not going to happen this year.  We'll probably get a tree, but it won't be the same as usual.  I've got two more gifts to buy and the shopping will be done, but everything needs to be wrapped.  And soon.

Too much drama, too much to handle, and not enough time in the day to figure it all out.  So I'm putting my reunion on the back burner for the rest of the month.  I think it can sit for a month.  And honestly I don't know how to handle it.  There's no possibility of a phone call those weeks either.  My first father is going to be off for the last week or so, which means no calls, texting, or emails anyway.

I'm wiped out...

Making Decisions

It's been a week and I'm still processing.  I think it's going to take me a while.  I was cut off cold turkey so that was hard.  At least with my first mother, contact slowed down near the end.  I could see the writing on the wall.  I had an active part in ending things.  But this time around, I had no warning.  I went from at least a text message every day and talking at least once a week to nothing.

Last Sunday I watched the Patriots game and thought "I should text SinginInTheRain and see what he thought of that play!" because he's the only person I really talk football too.  Then I remembered I couldn't.  I volunteered at a Christmas party for 100 autistic kids and nearly texted him again with a funny story before I remembered once again, I can't do that anymore.

The thing is, it took me forever to trust him.  I mean really trust him.  For the longest time I'd hold my breath and wonder if each email would be the last, if each phone call would be the last.  I double checked all my text messages to make sure I wouldn't offend him.  I was so careful.

Then my mom got sick in the spring, and my first father was there for me.  And I started to trust him a little more.  Then my first father asked to introduce me as his niece and I was upset.  I told him I was upset and we talked it out.  We didn't solve anything, but things got better.  I started to trust him a little bit more because he hadn't turned and run.  And then my birthday rolled around and he made every effort to come and see me.  And after that, I fully trusted him.  Things finally felt normal.

And just like that it all went away.  To be clear, my first father didn't cut off all contact.  He told me he'd still make an effort to call me every once and a while, and he would still email me whenever he could.  Gee.  How generous of him.  Here's the thing.  It's not hard to clear the text messages on the phone.  I typically don't text him when he's at home.  So really, not my fault that he kept things on his phone.  It's super easy to delete a call from the log on the phone.  He's got a smart phone.  A monkey could do it.  So that's silly too.  And the whole email pops up JUST LIKE a text message, so really, there's no difference there, just that he moves them over on the computer and doesn't leave them on his phone.  No reason to end text messages.  Oh, and he had three days to think about it.  While that's not years, it wasn't like he got caught and then called me an hour later.  He did have some time to think about it.  And that was the best solution he could come up with.  And I wasn't included.  I was told this is how it's going to be.

I don't have to take that, and I won't.  I can't ever trust him again.  He knew it was going to hurt me, but honestly, he was more concerned about himself.  He lied to my sister's face.  I'm so angry on her behalf. And if he could lie to her, it's not a huge leap to see that he could lie to me.  So I'm done.  I'd be very happy never to see or hear from him again.  I've felt that way since I hung up the phone last week.  But I did want that email he promised me.  Because I wanted to see how much of an ass he is.  I got my email, the one I was promised six days after "The Call".  The way I see it, he could either have sent me a nice long apology email and try to patch things up, or he could have just pretended everything is ok.  Guess which one I got?  Apparently it was more important for him to tell me about how much he hates this weather than to say he's sorry.

I will meet my first mother someday.  I feel like I need to for me.  And I was worried that I would put it off because of him.  So that's one good thing.  I was going to wait to contact my siblings.  I don't have to anymore.  I'm going to contact them when I'm ready.  I might not be ready for a long time.  I don't know what I'm going to do because I don't want anything to be reactionary; it has to be well thought out.  So that's another positive.

I'm still processing.  And I'm so hurt by everything.  I didn't do anything wrong and I don't deserve this.  I don't deserve to be forced into a closet.  And my first family will eventually learn that living and breathing skeletons are the worst kind to have because eventually they set themselves free.

Reunion Fun

My high school reunion was this past weekend.  It was... interesting to say the least.  I surprisingly had a great time.  I went with my friends (who I didn't hang out with in high school - we became friends after we graduated) and Rudy made the trip up for the weekend (and blew off his own reunion).  A few surprises from the night:

1) Senior year, my prom date treated me like crap.  He ignored me, failed to tell me I looked nice (this is a big no-no!  ALWAYS compliment your date no matter what!), and waved at me from the car when he dropped me off.  Not even a hug goodbye or anything.  We hung out once after graduation, and I was invited to dinner with his family via text message after he graduated college, but declined.  He texted me last week to see if I wanted to go to the reunion together.  I politely explained I was going with friends.  I also made sure that he knew when it was because the whole thing was planned and advertised via Facebook and he doesn't have one.  I'm such a nice person.  In the end, he walked up to me, shook my hand, and walked away.  A 20 second encounter.  Rudy says he was watching me the whole night.  Go figure.

2) I had a boy torture me in high school because he was threatened by a smart girl.  Loser.  Anyway, I didn't really want to see him every again.  Sure enough he was there.  Not only was he there, he was in the group behind us in line as we had to wait for a half hour to get into the bar.  Joy.  He was talking to my friend, and another guy.  I went over because I figured it would be good to get it out of the way.  He didn't remember my name but remembered my face apparently, and insisted on giving me a hug.  I gave him a dirty look back.  Then he made some comment about how he wasn't living in our hometown anymore, like it was a bad thing to still live there with my parents.  His friend jumped in and explained that the asshole was living with his parents, just in an apartment in a different town. I said something mean.  I'm not a mean person.  But he's the only one that I think pissed me off enough that I wanted a bit of revenge.  So I said "Wow, that makes me feel a lot happier about my own situation!"  His friend started laughing and wanted to know where this version of me was five years ago.  I smiled and walked away.  I realized that the asshole was just as much a loser now as five years ago.  I mean, who shows up to a five year reunion wearing a Kermit the Frog hat on backwards and a Penn State t-shirt?

3) I saw an old "friend" at a bar a few weeks ago.  Talk about awkward.  She knew all about my mom (but not the details because she assumed my mom's tumor had been removed -- never going to happen) and wanted me to know she was there for me.  Good grief.  Turns out she was too drunk to make it in the bar for the reunion.  Another friend had to put her up in a hotel room for the night so she could sleep it off.  Classy.

So really, it all went pretty well.  The high school popular girls were drinking by themselves, refusing to talk to anyone.  The middle tier was basking in attention from all the popular guys who suddenly noticed them after they had gone off to college girls and come back women.  The bottom tier showed up looking completely different and with social skills to boot.  And then there were the no-shows, a few of which were surprising.  Some people were abroad and unable to attend, but a good amount just didn't show.  I think some of them were scared to face the rest of us after tormenting us in high school.

We'll see how the ten year goes.  I told Rudy we could go to his ten year if he wanted because he came to my five.  He was excited about that.  I can't wait to try to pass off as a student from his high school.  I'll just say I was the triangle player in the band :-)

Apartment Hunting

I thought long and hard about how to handle my situation.  On one hand, I like living at home.  My parents have a very nice house.  I don't pay to live here.  I get to hang out with my mom a lot, and be there for her.  I get to eat yummy goodies that people drop by the house.  My car now has a space in the garage, so no shoveling snow off it come wintertime.  And my dog is here.  All valuable things to consider.

On the other hand, I offered to pay my parents the money they've (well my dad's) been requesting for rent in return for having my privacy in my room.  I was laughed at, mocked, and called crazy (and then "All the Single Ladies" was turned into "All the Crazy Ladies" for my benefit).  I finally got him to understand that it was important to me to have my own space, and he told me I wasn't allowed to speak.  That I would keep my room clean to his standards.  I explained that we had different standards and I wouldn't live like that.  Then he started to compromise.  I was told I could do whatever I wanted but he would check it once a month.  Again, told him that wasn't acceptable.  Finally he agreed that he would give me my privacy but that I'm not allowed to have food or drinks in my room.  To which I replied it's ridiculous to not allow someone water in their own room.

While it seems like progress, he did not understand what the big deal was.  Therefore, I give him two weeks before he changes his mind about the whole thing.  Plus, it's not just the privacy issue.  It's an issue of me walking through the door and being told to make dinner.  No "Hi!  How was your day?"  Just, "You're on supper duty and I'm hungry!"  Nice to see you too.  It's being yelled at for leaving my purse on the kitchen table because "only food belongs on there".  It's being criticized for picking up my phone when he called me at work.  It's being treated like an object, rather than a person.  It's being told that I need to be nicer to him because of "all he's done for me".  After all, he's put food in my mouth (I've been buying the groceries I eat), clothing me (hasn't bought me clothes since I turned 18, but apparently I need to be grateful for the other 18 years), and putting a roof over my head (he has me there).  I just don't think I can take it anymore.

I found a nice apartment.  It's safe, half way between work and home (so my commute would be easier but I could get home any time I wanted), its in my budget, and it's actually really nice.  It's not the Ritz, but it's a first apartment.  And it would be mine.  So I could leave my boots on the floor if I wanted to.  I could have a water bottle in my bedroom if I wanted to.  And I could do what I wanted to.  I'm 24.  It's time for me to move on.

I put in an application.  I have a few more questions for the rental company thanks to my first father (who was honored that I asked him for advice).  I'm still on the fence.  Things have gotten better the last few days at home.  But that doesn't mean they'll stay that way.  But I don't really love the thought of living by myself.  And I think that I'd almost rather stay home for a bit until I find an apartment that's not in a complex.  Those are harder to find, but sometimes work out a little bit better.  We'll see.

My parents don't know about the apartment yet.  I haven't told them because a) I'm not allowed to upset my mother, and b) my parents don't want me to move and therefore will do whatever it takes to keep me at home. So I need to make up my mind about moving before I talk to them.  Because I need to have an out.  I'm 24, they don't control me and I have my own life to live.

We'll see what happens.  I'm not sure.  I might not even get the apartment.  Only time will tell.  But it's guaranteed to be an interesting week.

Something's Not Right

Add sweatpants and boots
and this is what I'm talking about

I was dealing with some serious family drama this week.  Seriously.  So I'm going to write about it because it will make me feel better.  It always does.

I'm pretty sure that my adoptive father has OCD.  Naturally I'm not a professional so maybe it's something else.  But there's something not right going on.  My dad has always been clean.  But lately it's been kicked up to a whole new level of insanity, ever since my mom got sick.  Before, he'd deal with the mess.  My mom isn't the most organized person and there were times when we'd have stacks of paper in the kitchen, the laundry would be piled up, and don't even get my started on the guest bedroom (the door was always shut that's how bad it was).  However, my mom no longer handles the bills (so no more stacks of paper), the laundry gets put away the same day its done (it's a good system), and my dad has cleaned out the guest bedroom.  She used to do her arts and crafts in there and she can't do those things anymore so there's no chance for her to mess it up again.

My dad has gone through each and every room in the house.  In each room, he's dusted every item.  He's vacuumed twice.  He's scrubbed the floor with a new favorite cleaning product.  He's moved around the furniture and gone so far as to buy new (cleaner) furniture for almost each room.  All the windows have been scrubbed.  He dusted every fan, as well as polished the wood on the beams in the room with the cathedral ceiling.  Spare sheets have been washed.  Everything is neat and organized.  He's got the basement left.  That's it.  The rest of the house (including my bedroom) he's already cleaned.  It's weird.  It's like he HAS to do it.  He's also manicured the lawn outside to the point where if it's not raining, he's usually in the yard.  That outlet is gone now that the winter is here.

I honestly didn't think much of it.  I knew it was an escape for him, and I figured that if it made him happy, then he should just do it.  Beside, what's wrong with a clean house?  It didn't bother me, it certainly didn't bother my mother, and whatever, we move on.  And then this week happened.

I made a mess in the basement.  I own up to that 100%.  I forgot to fold a blanket I was using and I left a jacket down there.  I had moved some furniture so I could do my yoga and hadn't moved it back because I've been doing yoga everyday.  I figured it's the basement and I'm really the only one who's been going down there.  And I left a food wrapper.  Which really wasn't good.  My bad.

Not only was I yelled at for a good ten minutes, but Rudy (who had nothing to do with the mess) was brought into it.  Then he went after my bedroom.  Apparently two sweatpants and a pair of boots constitutes a pig sty and I needed to grow up and keep my room clean.  To which my response was, it's my room and if it bothers you, don't go in there.  Apparently that's the wrong thing to say.  This is why I seriously think he's got some sort of mental disorder.  A normal rational person would not have flipped out on me the way that he did.  He even followed me to my room later in the night to yell at me some more.  He couldn't handle the things on the floor.  My room is super neat and clean right now.  Two sweatpants and a pair of boots (that my sister had borrowed and returned after I left for work and therefore I had no knowledge of) were enough to set him off.

I'm one of the cleanest people I know.  The sweatpants and boots were not hurting anyone.  They did not impose on anyone's safety.  They weren't affecting the rest of the family in anyway.  The reason my door was open was because I don't have heat in my room and it's freezing in there if I keep the door shut.  I wish I was joking.

I was told that my room isn't really mine.  That it's his house and therefore I need to abide by his rules.  And that means nothing on the floor (keep in mind that these items were far from the door and therefore nothing my mother could have tripped on -- that I could have understood). I was told that I don't have the right to any privacy in the house because it's a family house and therefore we share things as a family.

This whole living at home thing at 24 is new to me.  I'd rather be in an apartment on my own.  I've gone to look at apartments.  But I owed upwards of $80,000 in student loans.  I'd like to pay some of them off before I have to pay serious rent.  I've got it down to $70,000 after working my butt off this summer and I hope to have it down to $65,000 by the new year.  I'm determined.  I do know that after five years of having my own space, I need one room in the house to call my own.

I'm asking my dad for an agreement between us (written).  I'll pay him $300 a month (what he keeps telling everyone I should be paying him to live at home) and in return for that he 1) does not enter my room without my permission 2) does not comment on the status of my room unless it affects someone else in the house with the door closed and 3) I get the cable I've been asking for for six months.  I think that's fair.  In case that doesn't work out, I've been looking at apartments but I'll have to pay at least $1000 a month in rent, and while that's not super bad, I don't really have that money right now to furnish an apartment and I'd like to stay at home to help with my mom.

This is my life.  I need a vacation from the hell hole that I'm living in.  Is it December 9th yet?

Life Is Like A River

Things are a little dark

I'm really hoping this week goes better than last.  I was sick last week.  I had a horrible headache that kept coming and going.  I was hot, then cold.  I'd take a hot shower and my teeth would chatter.  Everything hurt.  I'd lie in bed and finally get comfortable enough to drift off to sleep and something else would start to hurt and I'd have to shift to get comfortable again.  So the result was that I was exhausted, but unable to sleep.  My stomach was bothering me too.  I used to get abdominal migraines as a kid, and this wasn't as bad, but still uncomfortable.  I'm just glad I managed to keep the little food I was able to eat down.

So I was banished to my bedroom for a few days.  I went to work two of the three days, but it wasn't so much fun.  I guess the interesting thing was that I texted my first father when I had enough energy to pick up my phone so he wouldn't think I was upset with him if I didn't text him.  Turns out he was sick too.  And Sandlot was sick.  I don't know of anyone else who's been sick lately.  Weird, right?

On top of it all, my relationship has hit yet another rough patch.  I don't know if we're going to survive this one. So I was sick, curled up in the fetal position, feeling more alone than I've ever felt in my life.  My mom couldn't come near me because her immune system isn't what it used to be.  My dad didn't really care, as long as I stayed away from everyone else.  And Rudy is over two hours away and I wasn't speaking to him anyway.  Seriously, if someone tells you that long distance relationships work, they don't.

This week has to be better.  I'm finally starting to feel better.  I feel like I'm back to normal with SinginInTheRain after the whole "not telling" thing came out.  He didn't get that I was seriously OK with it.  I didn't tell him I was happy, but I let him know it was OK.  A few months ago, I would have been pissed.  So I get why he didn't/doesn't totally buy it, but things are different right now.  Things keep changing.  That's life.

Life isn't static.  It doesn't stand still, it changes like a river.  And that's just how it is.  We can't stop things from changing.  We can't stop the river.  We can either adapt and move with the current, or we can fight it and drown.  I personally would rather swim than sink.  I've gotten really good at adapting to change over the last few years.  I've had to.

If you had told me two years ago that I would not only find my first parents, but that they would be married and have two children who don't know about me, I wouldn't have believed you.

If you had told me two years ago that nearly two years after initial contact, my sisters would still not know about me, I wouldn't have believed you.

If you had told me two years ago that my mother who was almost never sick would be fighting a battle she can't win, I wouldn't have believed you.

If you had told me two years ago that my father would tell me that I don't have a right to be overwhelmed about my mother's illness because he's known her longer so his needs trump mine (yes, he's supposed to be the parent), I wouldn't have believed you (though I guess it wouldn't have been a complete shocker after he told me four times over the past ten years that I was the reason my mom had epilepsy).

If you had told me two years ago that after five years my boyfriend wouldn't be able to make up his mind if he wanted to be with me or not, and would tell me that moving forward with me was a "compromise", I wouldn't have believed you.

If you had told me two years ago that the kindest words that someone had said to me all week came in the form of blog comments from people I've never met, I wouldn't have believed you.

Sink or swim.  I'm choosing to swim.  And to say thank you to the people who have kept me going these past few weeks.  This post probably should be private, but I wanted to publicly thank everyone for being so nice to me and for giving me the strength to continue.  Thank you,

I've Got A Problem

I've decided to make some changes in my life.  I can't let my life get back to that point again.  I just won't let it happen.  So that means that I've got some work to do.  I still don't know about my sister situation, but I'm making these changes for me.  I need to be more in control, more the captain of my own ship type of thing.  And the first step to making changes so that my life gets better is to figure out where things went so wrong before.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this.  Because things got ten times worse after my birthday.  So then I thought about my wonderful visit.  And it was wonderful.  But my first father threw me for a loop, and he brought up my first mother.  And what a wonderful person she is.  Which prompted me to reread her first few emails.  Which sent me further into a tail spin.  And I think I found my issue.

I want to meet my first mother.  I've always wanted to meet her.  I've always wanted to just sit down and talk to her.  See her in person.  Hear her voice.  I don't care what we talk about, I just want to talk to her.  I want to fill in those missing pieces that emails just don't fill.  I've always known this.

But here's what I figured out.  I want to meet her while my mom is still alive.  I want to be able to go home to my mom and know that it all worked out in the end.  I want that support from my mom, who's always been there for me.  I need my mom to be there for me, even if she can't come and meet my first mother with me like she always promised she would.

I don't know how much time my mom has left.  It could be a year, it could be ten years from now.  She could die tomorrow if she suffers another complication.  Then again, we all could get hit by a bus tomorrow (or even today).  My point is, this whole "You'll get to meet everyone, it just might take some time" thing isn't working out very well for me.  It's a marathon and not a sprint, but this one thing just seems so big and so important.  It feels like I've already run three marathons and ended on the last mile without finishing.

I want to meet my first mother and I want to meet her within the next year.  That's just not going to happen.  Once again, I'm getting the short end of the stick here.  At least now I've figured out my problem.  I just need to figure out what to do about it.  I need to find a way to not let it get me down again.  I need to find a way to put it behind me and move on.  Some dreams just aren't meant to come true.  Then again, you never know...

Pick Me Up

Is that floor I see?

November's got me down so I'm trying to pick myself back up.  This is something that I have to do a lot lately, but life goes on.  I've gotten used to putting one foot in front of the other, because really what else am I supposed to do? (Side note: I read somewhere people like subheaders? Gonna give it a try.)

Pictures

I've thrown myself into taking lots of pictures.  I dragged Rudy on a hike with me over the weekend with my camera.  You'll get to see some of those pictures on Sunday (exciting right?).  I'm asking for another lens for Christmas.  One that I can use to Zoom.  Because that's exciting!  Super close ups of things father away?  Yes please!  I also took about a million pictures at my cousin's wedding.  Well, actually I took 200.  And about 100 of them were keepable.  The other's met their fate in the recycle bin.  I'm still getting used to the new complicated camera so a bunch came out blurry.  Also, my cousins took some pictures with it while I was up dancing, and those didn't come out all that great.  At least they tried!

My Room
My room was a mess.  A complete horror show.  My dad told me to tear it apart so he could clean it.  Like spring cleaning clean.  So I did.  And then someone showed up to visit.  So it was put off for a day.  And then we got hit with a huge winter storm in October.  So it was put off again.  And then we had my cousin's wedding.  So my room was pulled apart for nearly a month with no cleaning.  I haven't been able to get into my closet because I was told to store everything there to get as much off the floor as possible.  So my closet has been home to my laundry basket, my organizing shelves, my trash can, and all the bins from under my bed that hold my many shoes.  I finally gave up waiting for my dad and did my own cleaning.  It's not his level of clean, but it's doable.  And I have my closet back.  Thank goodness.

Furniture
And then there was the furniture thing.  Which I tackled the same day.  I've had the same dresser in my room since I was five.  It's never moved.  Well, turns out my dad thought it would go better in the guest bedroom (which used to be a sewing room for my mom, who can't sew anymore, so it's been officially turned into another room for guests seeing as we tend to have a lot of those lately) so I have to get a new one.  But it's going to take a while for it to get here, so I have to wait without a dresser for a few weeks.  That's fine with me.  I rearranged my room because there's a lot less furniture.  Long story short, I've been waiting for cable in my room for two months now and the rearranging means I'll get it sooner.  So yay!  And yay for having my TV easier to see now!

Clothes
Then I cleaned out my clothes.  My summer clothes were still chilling in my closet.  Which was great, but I don't wear them in this weather.  So I packed them up and put all my winter clothes back in the closet.  Which was a good thing because they were all in the now empty dresser that's chilling in the guest bedroom.  I bought space bags so the spring clothes were zipped up and vacuumed into tiny little packets.  I don't need a stinking dresser!  Next spring, they will be unpacked, ironed, and put back in the closet.  It's a new system and I'm hoping it works.

Cleaning Out
All of these things have strangely helped me get back on my feet.  I've started to clean out some stuff.  Cleaning tends to help me move on for some reason.  It's like I clean out the cobwebs in my life and move forward.  I like organizing and the state of my room often is an indicator of my mental level.  If it's clean, my mental state is great!  If it's an unorganized mess, things are not going so well.  I'm hoping to have everything squared away by Saturday.  I know I can make my deadline if I just keep at it!  Yay for organization and determination!

Picking Myself Back Up
Between cleaning, taking pictures with my new camera, reading all of the wonderful blog posts that are happening this month, doing some serious reading (my books all came!), I'm starting to put my life back together after the most recent crash.  It's slow, but it's starting to work.  And I'm feeling better.  It's easier to get out of bed in the morning.  It's easier to smile.  And I feel like I can start to handle my life better.  Which is where I need to be at.  I have to start to deal with things now because they may or may not be getting crazy again by the end of the month.  We'll see.

Wish I Could Fast Forward

Fast Forward Please?

I can't help but feeling that things are changing once again.  There's been a lot of changes in my life lately, including today when I head over to my cousin's wedding, the first cousin to be married (on my adoptive mom's side anyway).  One change is that we got new furniture for our family room and kitchen so our whole living space looks different.  Another change is that my friends have jobs now so I see them less often.  And my adoptive sister has moved back home and is causing problems again.  Though the problems part isn't a change, her living back at home is.  My stress level has gone through the roof because I can't handle the toxic environment in that house.  Everyone hates each other.  I swear, it's so bad you could cut the tension with a knife.  I digress...

My reunion feels like it's changing.  There's talk of me potentially being let out of the closet a little bit.  I really don't want to get my hopes up.  A few months ago, I would have been absolutely thrilled at the idea of anyone finding out about me.  I would have been so thrilled to feel like I was moving forward in some way.  But right now, I can't imagine any other changes in my life.  What if my family, who for now doesn't know about me, doesn't want to meet me?  What if they are so hurt by the whole thing they don't want to deal with me?  Then because they know about me, it's really up to them when to get in touch with me.  So I have to have the idea of reunion floating over my head?

I don't want to sound whiny.  That's not my intention.  It's just that when I've entered into a reunion relationship with someone new (and so far it's only been two people), it's been all consuming.  It's all I can think about for days.  I write and rewrite emails.  I ponder over every message, every picture.  I wonder where things are going to go.  And I can't help but think about how things could end so badly.  It's stressful and amazing all at the same time.  On one hand I get to know my family, something that I've always wanted.  Missing puzzle pieces aren't so missing anymore.  And I am a new person now that I finally feel like I have a background I can be proud of.  But at the same time, I've got so much on my plate right now.  So so much.

All of these changes keep happening and I have no control over it.  I know that if I asked SinginInTheRain for some space, he'd back off ASAP.  I know he would.  I still might not be a secret, but I could request for some more time before starting to build any new relationships.  But we all know that I would never forgive myself if I did that.  And we all know that's not going to work for me.

So it looks like I'm going to have to get on board and deal with this now.  I'm going to have to organize my life in such a way that I can deal with a possible new reunion (or two) within the next month.  Who knows?  It could go wonderfully.  A lot of times I go back and reread my posts where I had a minor flip out and I can't help but laugh because I was worried over nothing.  I'm hoping that this turns out to be nothing.

At the same time, nothing is set in stone.  Plans could change.  Plans probably will change.  More likely, Thanksgiving break will come and go and it won't be any different.  I also don't think that I'd even be told if the possibility of telling is put off.  I think it would just be glossed over.  I'd have to ask, and how does one ask about that?  Can you imagine it?  "Hey um, so you mentioned before that I wasn't going to be a big secret anymore, just maybe a medium sized secret.  Um, yeah, so how's that going?"  Pretty sure if I have to ask, I'm going to do it just like that! ;-)

To end this post on a good note, my life could change for the better.  It really could.  I could end up with a new relationship that makes my life better.  It could be amazing.  It could be the start of something that will continue for the rest of my life.  A wonderful thing.  Maybe that's why I'm so scared.  Because right now I can dream of that.  Come this time next month, I may know if it's not going to come to pass.  Sigh.  Wish life has a fast forward button sometimes!

Birthday Visit Back On!

I spent yesterday feeling pretty sorry for myself.  The truth is, I hadn't heard from my first father other than a text or two over the week.  I haven't talked to him in over a week, and he wasn't getting back to me about my birthday.  I got a text on Monday saying it probably wasn't going to happen, and no mention of it again in the email that he sent this week (which I got yesterday).  So it was frustrating because I was supposed to technically tell my boss by Wednesday if I needed the day off.  So yesterday hit, I hadn't asked for the day, hadn't heard anything new, and figured that there was no way we were going to be able to make things work.  Cue the chocolate.  Sorry Halloween kids, you have a few less Kit Kat bars to choose from this year.

I decided around five o'clock as I was leaving work that I was going to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I was going to pick myself back up and move forward with my life.  Why not take my birthday off anyway?  My first father offered to meet me for lunch where I work so I could still see him without taking a whole day off.  He probably only has a few hours free anyway, so why waste a whole day on that?  I could take my birthday off, hang out with my mom for a few hours, get a massage, and maybe do a little shopping.  I could keep busy enough not to remember what I was missing.  Also, maybe if my first father was stuck at home without a car he could Skype me or something.  That might be fun.  So I picked myself back up, went and got a new haircut (jury's still out on that one) and ate some chocolate.  My favorite TV show came on (Grey's Anatomy, just wish they'd take the adoption story line out), and I was feeling better.  Not fantastic, but a lot better.  And then I got the text.

"Set the date, I can make the 26th!"

So now I AM going to get to see my first father on my birthday.  I have a nice boss.  I'm sure he'll let me take the day off.  It's still over a week before the day and I'm the new kid so maybe he'll go easy on me.  I'm hoping anyway.  So fingers crossed it will all work out alright.

Plans for the day:

Meet at the mall near me because he can park his car there, it's easy to find, and it's a fun place to hang out for a bit (plus I spend a lot of time there).

Go for a drive around my hometown.  Show him where I went to school, where I played soccer, where I used to hang out with my friends (this should take all of about ten minutes because my town is tiny).

Go back to the mall and get lunch.  Most defiantly get some sort of cake for dessert.  There's a Whole Foods there with killer desserts so I'm pretty excited.

So I'm really looking forward to my birthday now.  Like seriously looking forward to it!  Yay!  Doing the happy dance now :-)

Anniversary

I feel like writing fluff today.  Sometimes you just have to write some fluff.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years as of two days ago.  It's a pretty big milestone.  I've now spent five years of my life attached to this person, someone who I'm not legally or genetically related to.  

I met him my first week of college.  I'd never dated anyone before.  I had a few guys I was friends with and one guy I thought maybe something would happen with, but I just wasn't that girl.  Guys just didn't like me, or if they did, they didn't let me know.  I didn't know how to flirt, I didn't know how to let people know I was interested without coming across as a weirdo, and I overall had a bad time in high school.  I'm sure being unhappy didn't help the situation.

Anyway, I decided that college was going to be different.  I wasn't going to be interested in boys.  I was going to focus on doing well in school and making friends.  I would leave college with a great group of friends, girls I would be friends with for the rest of my life.  I would reinvent myself, be a happier person, and I'd walk away from the unpleasantness of my hometown.  Then a week in I met my boyfriend.  We started off as friends, and he actually worked up the nerve to ask me out.  Side note: he asked me to go to a dance with him and I totally didn't get that he was asking me on a date.  I thought he meant as friends, he meant as a date.  I really was clueless!  I'm such a ditz at times!

So we started dating and things were great.  Then things got really hard after a year.  We struggled.  A lot.  We came close to breaking up, and then decided to work things out.  I blame it on being young, stupid, and because neither of us had really ever been in that type of relationship before.  We both made some pretty big mistakes, and we somehow managed to pull it back together.  We gave it another try, and here we are, four years later still going strong.  I don't know what I would do without him in my life.

It's funny but he's been the one constant.  Regardless of having a relationship, I still worked to make friends.  And my girlfriends changed every year.  I just couldn't find a group that I clicked with until my last year at school as an undergrad.  I'm very lucky to have the friends that I do, but the girls I figured would be consistent weren't for me.  My teachers changed.  I changed dorms.  I changed jobs.  Everything was always in a state of flux, just not him.  And he stood by me during my entire search and reunion.  I couldn't ask for a better guy.

It was a big step for me to give him the blog address.  He knew about the blog for sure.  I told him about it and how much it was helping me to deal with things.  He probably thought I was a weirdo but he's cool so he didn't say anything.  I think a lot of the time he just lets me go off and talk and waits for me to stop.  I'm annoying like that! :-)  Anyway, it was huge for me to actually point him in the direction of this blog but I did.  And I know he reads it sometimes.  And I know he ignores it for large chunks of time.  Thank you Google Analytics!  But he's been super supportive.  And I love him for it.

For our five year anniversary, we decided to take a vacation together.  We stayed at a Bed and Breakfast, something I had never done before.  I had a great time, and it was wonderful to spend time with my boyfriend after not seeing him for nearly three weeks.  I'm really hating this whole long distance thing but that's another post for another day.  We went on a whale watch, had a fancy dinner, went shopping, bought art, and hunted down Dunkin Donuts.  Pretty epic weekend!

I asked him about his nickname.  I told him to pick a movie title that started with R.  Turns out one of his favorite movies is Rudy.  So Rudy he is.  I was leaning more towards Rocky (a favorite movie of ours) but he asked for Rudy, so Rudy he will be!

Really Facebook?

Facebook is changing again.  So after every change, I've gotten into a habit of making sure that everything is still OK on my page.  And a part of that is checking my messages.  A while ago I copied the first message that my first father sent me on Facebook, but I really liked having the original.

And now it's gone.  Just not there.  I went back to the date, and it's MISSING.  I am so upset.  It should be there.  It's an important part of my reunion history, and it's just gone.  Deleted.  Never coming back.  I'm so unhappy with Facebook right now, I can barely speak.

I'm so happy that I thought to copy that message.  And I'm so happy that I've printed out all the emails in case technology goes bust and they disappear too.  Stupid Facebook.

I have a feeling I'm going to be muttering under my breath all day.

Things Are Different... Good thing?

Things have been a little bit different lately. It's been almost a full year since I got in touch with my first father. I figured I'd blog about it today because I've been thinking about the state of things for awhile as things are slowly changing.

I had just moved back to school at the end of August after an extremely stressful summer at home. My sister and I had gotten into a blow up fight, which in part was related to the fact I had found my first family. Ever since I told her about finding them, our relationship hasn't been the same. I hadn't had time to deal with my issues with my first mother and the fact that things weren't going well. I was getting frustrated, and decided I needed to come up with a plan of action because I now had time to figure some things out. Mid-way through September, my friend came down to visit me. She had been through a lot with me, and happens to be a great outside perspective. She's amazing at balancing things, and she's great at getting me to calm down. She agreed that I needed to come up with a plan and helped me to figure things out. She was with me when I got that fated email from NeverTooLate and she agreed with me that it was permission to get in touch with my first father. She had no motivation other than wanting me to be happy, and she knew how important NeverTooLate was to me. So I know that she honestly thought it was permission too.

When I got in touch with my first father, I was in a very hard place. After my first mother blew up at me, I was devastated. I missed her and couldn't believe that things were over and she didn't want anything to do with me anymore. I cried, got angry, and went back to feeling sorry for myself. I finally pushed it aside, and tried to focus on what I had gained rather than what I had lost. So then I started emailing SinginInTheRain. Things went well, and I was determined not to get into the same trap that had happened before. Turns out he was on the same page and suggested a phone call. So by November, we were talking on the phone once a week. That's still the same. I can't believe we've kept it up so long. I figured eventually he'd get bored but I guess not. We always come up with things to talk about. Some days are harder than others, but we keep it going.

Next we agreed to meet. And we've met, twice now. The second time was by far better than the first. The nervousness was a bit easier to control. So that was awesome. And I think we'll probably meet up again soon now that his other children are back in school and he has a little bit more freedom. So that's pretty exciting.

It's been hard for me to accept that it's not just me that wants a relationship. I think it's further complicated in that while I've told nearly everyone in my adoptive family that I'm in a reunion mode, he hasn't. His family (other than his wife and in-laws) don't know about me, so therefore they don't know about reunion. It's just hard for me to see where I fit in his life sometimes. But things seem to be changing lately. It's just an odd feeling I'm getting. I think that I'm starting to accept that while he's not willing to share with his family, he is willing to be a part of my life. Maybe he's more than willing, maybe that's what he wants too. I don't know. We'll just have to see how this one plays out.