No Go

My attempt at a bag...
No wonder they won't say
anything about me :-) 

So I finally asked my first father about the status of letting me out of the bag.  I got the answer I was expecting. It's a no go.  He feels like crap.  Blah blah blah.  I'm handling it better than I thought I would.  I actually was secretly hoping that they wouldn't tell my sisters about me right now.  I'm not ready.  And I'm not in a good place.  I'd never bring that up and give them (my first parents) fodder to drag things out.  I could see them using it as an excuse for years if they wanted.  I don't want any of that on me.  But I don't think I can handle another added thing in my life right now.  I honestly don't.

I have my mother's health to deal with.  I have my father treating me like a stranger, only talking to me when he wants something or when he has another rule to dictate (the latest was no food in my room after I had an unopened bag of potato chips).  I have my sister who is not talking to me again because I wouldn't let her borrow my car one night when it was my only way to get to work the next morning (as in if something happened to my car, I'd have to call in sick because I couldn't get to work).  I have my boyfriend who lives two and a half hours away who I never get to talk to anymore because he's so busy (twelve hour work days suck) and he's not treating me the way I deserve.  And I have a lot of other stress from various things.  My to-do list has reached epic proportions.

I've also dropped five pounds in the last three weeks.  I'm not in a great place.  I'm working on digging myself out of it.  I'm exercising more (not helping the weight thing, but helping the mental thing which I hope in turn will help the weight thing).  I'm learning more about photography and playing with my new camera.  I'm reading more and watching TV less (though I have discovered Once Upon a Time and I highly recommend it).  I'm taking time to email my long lost friends.  I'm working on a scrapbook using the new pictures I'm taking.  So I'm learning to move forward with my life.  It's working, but slowly.  It's just all hit me at once.  And I'm trying to focus more on me as a person.  I've given so much of myself to others, which is the way I like to be.  But I haven't taken the time to focus on just me.  And I'm stretched too thin these days in more ways than one.  I'm slowly being pulled apart and I can't continue this way.  I need to get better before I'm in a position to have an all encompassing reunion with two sisters.  Who may not want a reunion.  I just can't handle that at this particular time.

I don't know how long it's going to take me to pull myself out of this depression I seem to find myself in.  In the past, it's only taken a few days.  I'm now closing in on week three.  This is different for me.  I'm not used to feeling like this for extended amounts of time.  I'm working on it.  I have some wonderful people helping me and supporting me.  I'm determined to get through this in one piece.

I feel selfish for not being more upset.  My sisters finding out about me is something that I've wanted since the minute I found out about them.  But I can't handle it right now.  I honestly think I'd have a mental break down if one more thing gets added to my plate right now.  I just can't deal with one more person depending on me to get them through hard times.

I can hear my friend Christina's question right now.  What's the ideal situation that you envision?  So to answer you my dear friend (because I know you read this blog all the time these days or lots of people from an obscure African country have managed to find my blog), the ideal would be that I'd dig myself out of this hole over the next few weeks.  I'm giving myself time to deal.  Then I'd maintain being mentally together for a few months.  I need to feel stable for a bit.  And then I'd start to entertain the idea of a reunion.  Maybe in the spring.  Hopefully I'll have some other things worked out by then.  That's my ideal.  A spring reveal.  Where I'm more together.  And I'm happier.  And I've got more things worked out.  And my life is more stable.  That's what I'm working towards.  Naturally, I have no say.  But a girl can dream.