The Ground Isn't Shaking As Much

I feel better about things.  I made my decision.  The ball is no longer in my court when it comes to reunion at this moment.  While I love being in control, I also hate the stress.  I don't like wondering what I should do and trying to make up my mind.  I forget sometimes how much power I have or that really it can be up to me.  So it's been stressful because I told my first father I'd think about what I wanted going forward and I'd get back to him.

Now that I've responded, I feel a huge weight off my shoulders.  I don't know how he's going to take my response to all of this.  I have a very good guess.  I can see him saying that he either just wants to email or nothing at all.  I don't see him wanting to text anymore if I won't abide by his new contact rules.  So I can see things continuing as just emails for now.  Or not at all.  We'll see.  I'm surprisingly OK with things.  Or I will be once I hear back from him.  We've now passed his normal "I'm writing you a response" time.  As in normally he would have emailed me back at this point.  But I guess I can see why he hasn't.  I took some time to think things through.  So I think he's probably doing the same.  That or he doesn't want to put the final nail in the coffin.  But feels like he has to.  Stinks being the one who has to end things.  But I'll get there.  I'm getting there.  One small step at a time.

We got amazing news about my mom last week.  Her new scans are better than ever.  I'm really happy about how things have been going lately with my mom.  She's doing better.  So much better in fact.  For the first time in months I have hope.  I know things won't stay like this forever.  Her cancer isn't curable.  But it feels like this current treatment is buying her a lot of time, time we didn't think we'd have.  So I'll take it.

My sister is starting to come around.  We were talking about a hypothetical situation (I got into an argument with an aunt over a hypothetical situation and I was telling my sister about the ridiculousness of it all) when she asked about my first father.  She just wanted to know how things were going.  It was a simple question, I gave an honest answer.  I asked her if she ever thought about looking and when she answered sometimes, I offered her help if she ever wanted it.  Then we moved on to a different topic.  It's a small step, but a step none the less.  I'll take what I can get.

I keep telling myself that things have to be bad sometimes for the good things to seem extra special.  That makes a lot of sense when I say it in my head anyway...

2011: A Year In Review

Looking back on the year 2011, it was a big year.  It was filled with hidden joys, big challenges, and several life changing events.

In the month of January, I started blogging.  It was something that I wanted to try for a long time but it wasn't until January that I took that plunge.  This was also the month when I reached out to my first mother to try to start over, and was then ignored.  And I started my last semester of college.  We can't forget that one!

In February, I planned my first face to face.  I put together a book with all my emails and everything I knew about my first parents.

March was a fun month and a life changing one.  At the beginning of the month, I met my first father for the first time.  It was the first time I've met someone I'm biologically related to.  It was the first time I saw myself reflected in someone else.  Talk about unsettling!  As if that wasn't enough, my mom and I went on vacation together to Punta Cana.  We had the best time and I know it's something that I'm always going to look back on and smile.  What a busy month!

April was hard.  For starters, my sister and I got into a huge fight.  She wasn't supportive of me meeting my first father and was hurt that I hadn't told her sooner.  Then life changed completely when we learned that my mother had another brain tumor, only this time looked different from her last time.  I moved home the last week of the month.

May got harder.  My mother had four brain surgeries in three weeks.  She was diagnosed with brain cancer and her tumor was deemed inoperable.  I met my first father again, and this time went a little better.  We actually relaxed and had fun hanging out.  And then I graduated college with my bachelor and masters degrees, an event that my parents watched on a laptop in the ICU back in Boston.

June rolled around and my mom started her chemotherapy and radiation.  My life became all about my mother as I tried to adjust to living at home.  Lost Daughters started.  I saw Taylor Swift with my cousin, a girl who is like a sister to me.

July saw the end of radiation for my mom and a break in chemotherapy.  I got a job offer which I accepted and my mom and I went on vacation for a week on Cape Cod.  It was my last month of freedom before starting my job.  My first father started texting me, something that we hadn't really done before.

August started with my job.  Literally, my first day was August 1st.  It was a huge adjustment for me.  My first father started a short trend of sending me videos from his new phone.  Various summer fun was had by me and my boyfriend on the weekends.  August was anything but a lazy summer.

September rolled around and I got a new computer and a new phone in the same week.  I settled into work and my boyfriend started his job (so started spending less time with me).  I jumped on Twitter and tried to improve my blog.  I decided to be more open in my life about my reunion and stop treating it like a huge secret.

October brought more changes.  I started my Picture Sunday postings.  My attempt to be more open blew up in my face.  Steve Jobs died, and the Internet blew up with adoption stories.  My mother spent another week in the hospital.  My first father came up to visit me on my birthday and told me that he was thinking about telling my first sisters about me.

November was hard.  My first father told me he wasn't ready to tell my first sisters, which I was OK with because of the other insanity going on in my life.  I bought a new camera.  My cousin got married and my entire adoptive family got together to celebrate.  I had my high school reunion.  I nearly moved out of my house.  I sent my first father a text message that was spotted by my older kept sister.

December brought more changes.  My first father ended our reunion, except for an occasional email.  He changed his mind a week later after talking to my first mother who stood up for me.  I opted not to continue with reunion under his new rules, but to get back in touch in the new year.  I prepared for Christmas by myself.  The year came to a close.

What a year...  It feels like January was a lifetime ago!

Taking Back Control Part 1

Trying to get back to peacefullness

I know I've said this before and failed miserably, but I've decided to take control of my life.  I think that life in general (and mine more specifically) is very complicated.  There are so many different layers and conditions and parts that it's hard to take control of them all.  And then there are certain things that are out of our control.  What's that saying again?  Thanks to Google and Wikipedia we have:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

There you have it.  But there are things that I can change.  I just haven't been recognizing that lately.  So I'm going to break it down and figure out what I need to work at a little harder right now.

Mom situation
My mother is really holding her own.  She's been doing great and improving.  Her doctors finally found a good combination for her medication and she's able to do more these days than in the past.  She's acting more like her old self during the day.  There's nothing I can do to control this situation, but I am able to make things easier for her at home.  I do have control over the little things.  And I do those things.  Which means Christmas shopping and leaving laundry out for her to do (it's her one chore and makes her happy -- weird right?).  So control?  I'll call that a check!

Sister
We're finally starting to get along better.  We have a common enemy in the Grinch.  So things are a lot less stressful when she's around.  I still stand by the fact we get along better when we don't live together, but she's finally back in her own apartment.  So hopefully things will continue to go well.  I have managed to control my reaction to her.  I treat her with indifference and make my expectations clear.  Example: I made it very clear she is not to drive my car.  I'm indifferent to the situation as long as she doesn't touch my car.  That being said, last time she tried, she called me a bitch and refused to speak to me for two weeks.  I treated that situation with indifference.  She knows the expectation and knows she can't rattle me for attention.  Therefore, when I asked if she wanted to go to a concert with me in the spring, she agreed.  I wasn't holding onto the car thing, she saw that, and we moved on.  It's a much better situation.

Rudy
Oh boy.  How to tackle this one... We have a rough plan.  He knows that our current situation isn't working for me.  He knows I'm not going to budge on that.  He also knows that while he's the most important person to me, I've been very clear from day one about my expectations about certain things (like geography).  We're working through it.  I'm not sure how things are going to turn up.  All I know is I'm not going to make it over two years of long distance.  I'm done with the whole thing and it's only been six months.  I used to tell people that if you really care about a person, you find a way to make it work.  And I still believe that to some extent.  But I also believe that it's extremely hard to go through the toughest part of your life to date alone because your significant other is living three hours away and can't be there.  I've also learned that it takes two to tango.  We're still up in the air.  We have a lot to figure out.  And my situation at home isn't helping.  Neither are his parents who have been trying to control his life.  But we're working.  So I'd say this is half way under control.  Not quite there, but getting there.

The Grinch
I've decided that's his new nickname.  It's a movie and sums up how I feel about him these days.  This post is already long, so I'm tackling this one in it's own post tomorrow.  I have lots to say.

Christmas To Do List

Just so you can all see the insanity that I have going right now.  These are actual screen shots of my current To-Do List for the holidays.  Shoot me now...  I just changed some of the names and took off what I'm actually getting my friends and Rudy so if they read it here, they still don't know what's happening.  I'm sneaky like that. It's funny, but in the past my Christmas List was about what I wanted for Christmas.  Now it's all about what I want to get others for Christmas.  Wow, I feel like such a grownup!

So there you have it.  The plan is to get the the gifts purchased first.  I know what I'm getting everyone so I can run into each store and then run out.  So that's the whole top of the list.  And then I'm going to handle the house thing.  And then the Christmas Cards.  And I'm leaving the wrapping for my mom (I just need to wait for a few things to get to my house so I can wrap my own gifts).  And we'll deal with the tree when he deal with it.  And the baking is just for fun for me.  So I can get it done.  I know I can!  Besides I might be going to my grandmother's so she'll bake with me!  Yay!

Today's musical choice is the Nutcracker soundtrack.  It's amazing.  We used to go every year when I was a kid.

Hope you're To-Do Lists aren't that long!

Christmas Decorations and Music

My Favorite Ornament

Enough with the drama that is my life the past two weeks.  Today's post is about something fun!

I've been blasting Christmas music ever since Thanksgiving.  Confession.  I really like Jessica Simpson's Christmas music.  I don't know what it is about her.  I just really like the music.  Oh Jess and Nick.  Baby It's Cold Outside was a wonderful song.  So nice.  You made wonderful music together.  And entertained me with mindless fluff.  And Jessica, you made me laugh...  So much more funny than the whole Kim/Kris drama.

Moving on.  The decorating hasn't been done yet.  I'm starting to stress about it.  I'm not going to lie.  I wanted to do it the weekend after Thanksgiving.  Rudy was visiting and my sister was home.  Which meant there were three of us because we all know that the Grinch isn't going to help us and my mom can't.  So the goal is to find a way to get it done this weekend.  But I also have to finish my shopping.  And do the Christmas cards.  I've been criticized again for not dong the Thank You Notes, even though nobody made a list for me.  It's a bit hard to get on that, seeing as it's a daunting task.  Maybe when I have some time off in a few weeks.

I need to get it done.  I don't want my mom to get stressed.  She's got a few jobs to do herself over the next few weeks.  I will have all the gifts, but they need to be wrapped.  She's good at wrapping and it gives her something to do other than watch TV.  It's going to take her a while, but it's something to do while people are visiting.  They keep saying they want to help out, and this is a way to do so.  Plus I hate wrapping....

I just need to get the stupid decorations up.  Stupid decorations.  And we need a tree.  Good grief.  The whole thing is compounded by the fact that I'm going away next weekend.  It's a much deserved break.  Much much deserved.  And needed.  Oh how badly I need this.  I'm going to see my school mommy and sister!  I miss them so much and I can't wait to hang out with them for a whole weekend!  I get to act like a normal person without all the responsibility for a few days.  My school mommy will make sure I'm fed, I'm rested, and she'll ask me about my life and offer good advice.  She'll do what my mom isn't able to do right now.  And that's just what I need.

So my list now includes putting up the decorations in record time (three hours is totally doable if I scale back slightly).  I'm a speed cleaner (it's a form of exercise if you clean the way I do) and putting up decorations is like cleaning in that you have to put everything back in it's place.  We decorate nearly every room in the house. No joke.  But I can clear the dining room in about twenty minutes (it's small), the living room in 30 (we do a lot of decorations in there normally but less so this year because nobody goes into that room unless its our open house which we canceled this year), and an hour on the kitchen and family room each, the two most used rooms in the house.  Each bedroom gets a few small decorations (more in my room than the others).  We do lights in the windows which takes about a half hour because we have to check all the bulbs and make sure they stick to the windows (PITA).

But while I'm doing all of this, I'll be listening to my Christmas music.  Which makes me super happy!  Yay!  Right now I'm listening to Harry Connick, Jr. It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas.  I used to love him on Will and Grace.  And I got my mom an early Christmas present, which I may have put on my iPod; the Micheal Bubble Christmas Album.  Haven't listened to the whole thing yet, but so far it's amazing.

Side note: I've already broken the cardinal rule of Christmas shopping: don't buy yourself stuff.  I just couldn't not get the Shirley Temple Box Set Volume One.  How could I walk away from it?  I adored Shirley Temple as a child.  She had curly hair like me.  She danced like me.  She could sing, something I wished I could do.  And we would watch her movies at my grandparents, so I have wonderful memories there.  Oh well, some rules are meant to be broken...

All over the place today I know.  It's just that time of year...

Happy Holiday Season

Christmas 2006

It's now officially the Christmas season.  I love this time of year.  And as a disclaimer, I'm not going to be PC about the holidays on my blog.

When I was little, my mom would go all out.  The house would be decorated from top to bottom.  There were always cookies in the oven.  The house smelled like evergreen.  Our stereo would always have on a Christmas carol.  And the lights!  Don't even get me started on the beautiful lights that graced our house.

It wasn't about Christmas morning, it was about the season.  Spending time with family.  Enjoying each other.  And celebrating a very special birthday.  That's just how I was raised.  Sure, Christmas morning was fun, but I do think if I had to pick between the season or just Christmas morning, I'd pick the season.

As I've gotten older, things have changed around our house.  The decorations are fewer in number.  We get our tree later and take it down earlier.  Christmas music is more likely to be coming out of a bedroom radio rather than the main stereo.  We go to less parties, and see less people.  The Christmas card numbers are declining.  And this year it's only going to get worse.

I've decided that I'm not going to let the Grinch steal Christmas.  Normally my mom will stand up to the Grinch and make Christmas special.  This year she just doesn't have it in her.  So I've decided that it's up to me.  Which is a lot of work for one person, but I'll find a way to make it happen.  I'm going to decorate the house tomorrow while I have Rudy visiting and an extra pair of hands (preferably while the Grinch is at work).  I've ordered Christmas cards and will be sending them out.  I'm setting up my old iPod with as much Christmas music as I can find and leaving it plugged into the stereo. 

I'm going shopping this week to buy the most special present.  At Church, we have a giving tree.  I got a six year old girl who requested Princess Dolls.  I can't wait to go find something for this little girl.  I was obsessed with princess dolls when I was a kid.  I loved princesses, loved my dolls, and loved Christmas.  Lately I haven't had any little kids to buy gifts for, so this is special.  It's funny, but it's selfish.  I think I'm going to get more enjoyment out of this than she will.

I've already started my shopping.  I bought my sister a gift already, and bought a few things for my mom to give me and my sister.  I went outlet shopping and saved about $600.  No joke.  Spent $400 and saved $600.  I was pretty excited.  So my mom's shopping is done.  She can wrap up the boxes and feel like she contributed. I just need to get a few things for the Grinch from her (his main gift has been ordered already) and pick up stoking stuffers.  I plan on taking care of some of that this week and next.  Just after the rush of the holiday weekend.

I know it sounds shallow, but I need to get this stuff done.  I'm worried about it and stressing out.  But once it's finished, I'll really be able to get down and enjoy the holiday.  I'm traveling (hopefully) in a few weeks to spend time with my "other" family from school.  We're going to look at Christmas Trees (for a charity) which is kind of funny because they are Jewish.  I'm going to spend as much time with my family as I can.  And by that I mean my extended family.  I haven't had time to see a lot of them and I miss them.

So now this rambling post has kicked off the season.  Wish me luck in getting up the decorations!  Hopefully by next week I'll have some great pictures for Picture Sunday in order to get in the spirit.  Until then, Happy Holidays!

Thanksgiving!

I'm Thankful For Apple Pie

Thanksgiving, a day when we give thanks for everything that we have been given in this life.  Interesting concept.  There are a lot of places I could go with this post, but I'm going to keep it positive today.

I am thankful for...

Spending another holiday with my mom.  She always goes above and beyond on the holidays and I'm glad that I get to share this one with her.  My mom is my rock and she keeps me sane.  She's the best mom I could have asked for and I'm thankful for the time that I do get to spend with her.  I'm thankful that she's starting to do better and she remembers who I am now.  I'm thankful that she can carry a conversation and understands what's going on around her in the morning.

Seeing Rudy on Thanksgiving.  Being in a long distance relationship is very hard.  We've done it before, but only for three months at a time.  We're now deep into month six, and working toward a new goal of living together next fall.  Being apart so much makes things like the holidays hard.  So seeing each other is a real blessing this year.  We're working through our problems together, and finding a way to make it work right now.  I'm very thankful that I will get to see him not only on Thanksgiving, but Christmas and New Years too.  Hopefully next year it won't be as much of an issue.

My friends.  Particularly the ones who have gone out of their way to be there for me lately.  You know who you are.  Everyone has crap going on in their own lives.  That's just how life works.  But I have a handful of friends who push their own crap aside to help me deal with mine.  And for that I am eternally grateful.  I'm very lucky to have made such great friends.

My blog-peeps.  I can't say it enough.  The people who read, comment, give feedback, email, or just drive up my page views are amazing.  If you're reading this, you're amazing.  Whenever I'm feeling particularly down, I come here and reread some of my favorite comments.  Or I look at my stats and feel more connected.  And then I go visit other blogs and feel less alone.  And see that these people have survived, so I can too.  I'm starting to love November because so many of my favorites are blogging more, every day in some cases.  Only you could turn the month of November around for me.

My mentor.  She's been amazing these last few months.  I've been struggling, and she noticed.  She reached out a hand to help me up.  She gave me a creative outlet, a place to leave it all behind and get my frustrations out of my system.  I'm so thankful to have her in my life.

My camera.  It's become so important to me these past few weeks.  I can hardly go a day without taking pictures of something.  And I don't just take pictures, I take LOTS of pictures.  I'm learning a new skill and slowly starting to get better at it.  And it's a break that I need.  I'm grateful that I've had my camera in my hands during some tough times these past few weeks.  And nobody can take it away from me.  It's a skill that's all mine.

My first father.  We've had our ups and downs, but he's been there for me as best he can.  He's making a serious effort and it means the world to me.  He's the father I didn't have growing up, and the father I don't have otherwise in my life right now.  To know I can send a text message and get one back is amazing.  He makes me laugh when nobody else is even trying because they don't care.  Someday, things will be different and I'll have to share our relationship more.  Right now it's just the two of us but someday others will be there in the background when they know about me.  So I'm going to be thankful for what we have right now, because it's what I need at this particular moment at this particular time.  I'm going to enjoy it for now and we'll see what happens in the future.

For all of these things I'm thankful.  And I'm thankful that I'm smart enough to see that changes do need to be made in my life and for making some steps in the right direction.  I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

Life Is Like A River

Things are a little dark

I'm really hoping this week goes better than last.  I was sick last week.  I had a horrible headache that kept coming and going.  I was hot, then cold.  I'd take a hot shower and my teeth would chatter.  Everything hurt.  I'd lie in bed and finally get comfortable enough to drift off to sleep and something else would start to hurt and I'd have to shift to get comfortable again.  So the result was that I was exhausted, but unable to sleep.  My stomach was bothering me too.  I used to get abdominal migraines as a kid, and this wasn't as bad, but still uncomfortable.  I'm just glad I managed to keep the little food I was able to eat down.

So I was banished to my bedroom for a few days.  I went to work two of the three days, but it wasn't so much fun.  I guess the interesting thing was that I texted my first father when I had enough energy to pick up my phone so he wouldn't think I was upset with him if I didn't text him.  Turns out he was sick too.  And Sandlot was sick.  I don't know of anyone else who's been sick lately.  Weird, right?

On top of it all, my relationship has hit yet another rough patch.  I don't know if we're going to survive this one. So I was sick, curled up in the fetal position, feeling more alone than I've ever felt in my life.  My mom couldn't come near me because her immune system isn't what it used to be.  My dad didn't really care, as long as I stayed away from everyone else.  And Rudy is over two hours away and I wasn't speaking to him anyway.  Seriously, if someone tells you that long distance relationships work, they don't.

This week has to be better.  I'm finally starting to feel better.  I feel like I'm back to normal with SinginInTheRain after the whole "not telling" thing came out.  He didn't get that I was seriously OK with it.  I didn't tell him I was happy, but I let him know it was OK.  A few months ago, I would have been pissed.  So I get why he didn't/doesn't totally buy it, but things are different right now.  Things keep changing.  That's life.

Life isn't static.  It doesn't stand still, it changes like a river.  And that's just how it is.  We can't stop things from changing.  We can't stop the river.  We can either adapt and move with the current, or we can fight it and drown.  I personally would rather swim than sink.  I've gotten really good at adapting to change over the last few years.  I've had to.

If you had told me two years ago that I would not only find my first parents, but that they would be married and have two children who don't know about me, I wouldn't have believed you.

If you had told me two years ago that nearly two years after initial contact, my sisters would still not know about me, I wouldn't have believed you.

If you had told me two years ago that my mother who was almost never sick would be fighting a battle she can't win, I wouldn't have believed you.

If you had told me two years ago that my father would tell me that I don't have a right to be overwhelmed about my mother's illness because he's known her longer so his needs trump mine (yes, he's supposed to be the parent), I wouldn't have believed you (though I guess it wouldn't have been a complete shocker after he told me four times over the past ten years that I was the reason my mom had epilepsy).

If you had told me two years ago that after five years my boyfriend wouldn't be able to make up his mind if he wanted to be with me or not, and would tell me that moving forward with me was a "compromise", I wouldn't have believed you.

If you had told me two years ago that the kindest words that someone had said to me all week came in the form of blog comments from people I've never met, I wouldn't have believed you.

Sink or swim.  I'm choosing to swim.  And to say thank you to the people who have kept me going these past few weeks.  This post probably should be private, but I wanted to publicly thank everyone for being so nice to me and for giving me the strength to continue.  Thank you,

I've Got A Problem

I've decided to make some changes in my life.  I can't let my life get back to that point again.  I just won't let it happen.  So that means that I've got some work to do.  I still don't know about my sister situation, but I'm making these changes for me.  I need to be more in control, more the captain of my own ship type of thing.  And the first step to making changes so that my life gets better is to figure out where things went so wrong before.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this.  Because things got ten times worse after my birthday.  So then I thought about my wonderful visit.  And it was wonderful.  But my first father threw me for a loop, and he brought up my first mother.  And what a wonderful person she is.  Which prompted me to reread her first few emails.  Which sent me further into a tail spin.  And I think I found my issue.

I want to meet my first mother.  I've always wanted to meet her.  I've always wanted to just sit down and talk to her.  See her in person.  Hear her voice.  I don't care what we talk about, I just want to talk to her.  I want to fill in those missing pieces that emails just don't fill.  I've always known this.

But here's what I figured out.  I want to meet her while my mom is still alive.  I want to be able to go home to my mom and know that it all worked out in the end.  I want that support from my mom, who's always been there for me.  I need my mom to be there for me, even if she can't come and meet my first mother with me like she always promised she would.

I don't know how much time my mom has left.  It could be a year, it could be ten years from now.  She could die tomorrow if she suffers another complication.  Then again, we all could get hit by a bus tomorrow (or even today).  My point is, this whole "You'll get to meet everyone, it just might take some time" thing isn't working out very well for me.  It's a marathon and not a sprint, but this one thing just seems so big and so important.  It feels like I've already run three marathons and ended on the last mile without finishing.

I want to meet my first mother and I want to meet her within the next year.  That's just not going to happen.  Once again, I'm getting the short end of the stick here.  At least now I've figured out my problem.  I just need to figure out what to do about it.  I need to find a way to not let it get me down again.  I need to find a way to put it behind me and move on.  Some dreams just aren't meant to come true.  Then again, you never know...

Conversations With Mom

I was thinking the other day about adult adoptees and adoptive parents.  Lots of drama has been happening lately, but what really got to me was the way that some adoptive parents reacted to adult adoptees.  These adoptees, who have been there for me when I was free falling after a stalled reunion a year ago, were dismissed, called names, and told they were unwanted.  By adoptive parents.  I was stunned.  I'd heard of this happening before, but had never witnessed it.  I never thought that adoptive parents would treat adoptees that way.  Adoption is supposed to be about adoptees, isn't it?  Adoptive parent should respect adoptees, adult or not, as someone who was adopted and therefore shares something with their children.  We may not all think alike, but we do deserve to be respected enough as people.

I was blown away.  Mostly because I know some amazing adoptive parents.  My own being some of them.  My mother NEVER would have spoken to these adoptees the way some of the APs were attacking Joy and Von.  She would have been horrified.  My mother is near sainthood in my book.  Not because of adopting me.  Side story time!

A healing statue was brought to a Church near where we live.  Naturally, we want to bring my mother there.  So off we go, even though it's not her best time of day.  We get to the Church, say a prayer, make a donation, have our rosary beads blessed, and sit for a few minutes in quiet reflection.  My mother starts to fade a bit, so it is time to leave while she still has the ability to walk by herself.  As we get ready to go, a family walks in the side door.  They have a little boy who very clearly was sick.  The family is there to pray and hope for a miracle.  My mother sees them walk in and refuses to leave.  She wants to make sure she can say a prayer for the little boy.  She is exhausted.  She hasn't left the house in days.  She feels horrible.  We are drenched from the rain.  But she stays on that uncomfortable Church bench because she wants to say a prayer for that little boy.  He is more important to her, someone she's never met, than the nice warm car.  She's amazing.

Moving on.  Back in July, my mom and I went on vacation.  More like she went on vacation and I continued my attempt at nursing duties.  It was right before the Adoptee Rights Protest, and I was sad to be missing it.  My mother was with it enough to notice I was sad.  She asked me about it, and we had the following conversation.

Mom: Jenn, what's up?  You don't seem yourself.

Jenn:  Oh, I'm fine Mom.  I'm just a little bummed.  My friends are going to a protest in San Antonio but I couldn't go.  I'm just sad to miss it.

Mom: A protest?  What for?

Jenn:  Well, it's to petition the government to unseal birth certificates for adult adoptees.  When you adopted me, my original birth certificate was sealed, and I can't get it without a court order because of the year I was born.  Had I been born before 1972 or after 2008, I would have been able to get that document at 18.  But myself and the majority of adult adoptees in the country cannot access our birth information.  We're the only group in the US who cannot access that information.  I know several people who can't even get passports or driver's licenses because they can't prove they were born in the US.  They need a document for the government that the government prohibits them from having.

Mom:  Well that's… that's just not right.  It's not, you know, fair! (for my mother who suffers from word aphasia, the fact she got these words right is amazing)

Jenn:  I know.  It's not fair.

Mom:  I'm glad your friends are protesting.

Jenn:  Me too Mom.

My mother believes that people should be on equal footing.  She raised me that way.  She believes in equality.  She was the first person to tell me I wasn't "less then" for being adopted.  She taught me to stand up for what I believe in.  She's my biggest fan, and my fiercest defender.  At least she was…  If she doesn't agree with someone, she at least respects the other person as a person, a human, and hears them out.  Without calling them names.  Or telling them they were unwanted. Or saying other nasty things.  I know she isn't the only adoptive parent out there who feels that way.  I've been lucky enough to meet some others floating around online in adoptoland.  And I'm really happy that they exist.  So if you are one of those adoptive parents, thank you for being out there.

I'm very lucky to have my adoptive mother as my mother.  I'm glad that my mother supports me.  She backs me up.  Even when she's sick, she puts others first.  Because that's who she is.  And she's on my side.  For that, I'll always be thankful.

Really Mom?

As per yesterday's post, today's post is all about how my adoptive mother dressed me as a child.  I look back at old pictures, and think "Really Mom?" all the time!

First Day of  Kindergarten

Lets take a look at this picture.  It's my first day of kindergarten.  The first day of my education.  It's a pretty big day.  I mean, it's the first time I'm going to see a lot of the kids that I'm going to graduate high school with.  I think I did graduate with about 80% of my kindergarten class.  So it's important that I start off the school year right.  White socks with black shoes?  Really Mom?  I was five.  I didn't know how to dress myself back then. Have a heart and at least match the socks with the shoes.  And they were ankle socks.  With BOWS on them.  YUCK!  Added to the fact that I mixed pink in my backpack with a bright red umbrella.  At least the umbrella goes with the dress.  But that backpack needs to go....

Birthday Party

And here we are at someone's birthday party.  I'm a sailor.  Ok.  It happens.  But what really stands out to me in this picture is not the two cute little kids.  It's the BEER that clearly takes center stage here.  Apparently that's what Miller Lite looked like back in 1988.  But really?  It's a picture of two little kids (me and my cousin).  At least move the beer can out of the way.  Really Mom?

Look at that smile!

And finally, we have this one.  I was a cute kid.  And at least my mom got the outfit right this time.  The pink was cute.  Very classy.  And the shoes, well, at least I don't have socks on this time.  Clearly I'm very excited about whatever.  Or maybe the GIANT BOW on my head it pulling up the corners of my mouth.  It's like a mini-face lift!  Oh for the love of BOWS!  AND OMG I JUST NOTICED THE BACKGROUND PICTURE!  That picture must have disappeared.  They dressed me up in a red Santa suit like get-up for fun???  Really Mom???  REALLY?!?!

There.  Now you all know why I was traumatized as a child.  The end.

Side note: Just to be clear I was really bored and this is my sad attempt at humor :-)

Mad at the Health System

I'm annoyed.  Like seriously annoyed.  I need a good old vent, and I'm going to do so publicly because sometimes that's the best way to handle things.

So in the non-adoption world, I've been dealing with my mother's failing health.  It's not fun, but I feel like it's something I have to do.  Not because I'm adopted, not because my mother "saved" me, not because I'm "grateful", but because she is my mother, I love her, and she needs me.  My mother was always the mother who was the first to rush to my defense, to pick me up when I feel down, and to put my needs before her own. She was just that kind of mother.  Now that she's the one who needs a hand, I want to be there for her.  It's a mother daughter thing.  Just wanted to throw that one out there.

Anyway, my world has quickly become all about health related stuff.  I know more about cancer now than I ever wanted to know.  I also know a lot about how our brains work.  As an FYI, you're brain is SUPER important.  And if just one little thing is off, you could be dealing with A LOT of consequences.  End of my PSA for today...

So we had a set back last week.  It wasn't fun to deal with, but we were overly cautious because we weren't before and bad things happened.  The doctor said to come into the ER, so we did.  And then they couldn't figure out what was going on.  Which lead to her doctor finally explaining that this is probably just a side effect of the radiation and we have to wait it out.

Excuse me?  She ended radiation ten weeks ago.  Why is this side effect hitting now?  Turns out that this can happen to patients six weeks to six months out of radiation.  Um, ok.  So why weren't we told this could happen?  This frustrates me to no end.  I am not an oncologist.  I'm not a nurse.  My mom is the nurse in the family and she can't remember her own birthday let alone advocate for herself (Note: most hospitals use a person's name and birth date to ensure they have the right person.  Before my mom has her blood drawn, she needs to tell the tech her name and birthday... Problem, she doesn't remember those things!  Yikes!).

Moving along...  As her family, it's really hard to see my mom struggle the way she is struggling.  So when you can give us some information and let us know to be on the lookout for some strange symptoms that could hit anywhere from six weeks to six months post-treatment, we probably wouldn't flip out the way we did.  The last time my mother was acting this way she nearly died.  I will never forget the panic in her nurses voice when they sent my mom to pre-op instead of right to the OR, which is what she needed.  I thought I was never going to see her alive again.  So excuse me if I want to know what to expect, even if not all patients exhibit that behavior.

I know that she has some amazing doctors.  They really are some of the best.  And I know they are doing their best for her. She's been a mystery from day one.  She doesn't react to things normally.  She had four brain surgeries in three weeks, when she should have only needed one.  So I get that this is a challenge.  But I'm still annoyed.  I think as her daughter, I should be annoyed.  And I'll get over it.  But I needed to get it out there.

And as a side rant, if you are at the hospital with my mother and I am at work, please don't blow me off all day.  I shouldn't have to wait until 3:30 (and call the hospital myself and get directed to my mother's room) before someone tells me what is going on.  I don't care if there isn't any new information.  I still want to know that things are ok.  I don't think that's a lot to ask.  I think that as her daughter that was in the ER with my mother the night before, I should be able to know what's going on.  It's common sense that I would want an update.  And turning your phone off so you don't have to talk to anyone is a crappy thing to do.  At least check your messages.  I left three.

End rant.  Back to your regularly scheduled program tomorrow.

Wishes Checklist

Here are a bunch of things that I wish for.  In no particular order.  And it's just a partial list.  But it's still a list