I Love The Internet

The Internet lets me share things
like this

What would be do with the Internet?  Seriously!  A random statement, I know, but I swear I have a point here.  Music has always been a huge part of my life.  It's something that has gotten me through a lot, and will help me get through the challenges that I've been facing lately.  When I say music has been a huge part of my life, I should clarify.  I've been dancing since I was two.  At the time of writing this post, I'm twenty-four... (wow, just got distracted by the fact I'm an adult!).  I've been dancing for twenty-two years.  That's almost 92% of my life.  If I was still in school, I'd know that's an A-, a pretty big deal.  Without music, I couldn't dance (and trip over my own feet).  So it's been super important.

Before the Internet, I would listen to tapes and CDs.  My parents were really into tapes, so I used to have a tape player.  Then when CD players became popular, I asked for CDs but my parents didn't really trust them.  And they were expensive!  So most of the time, I was limited to radio.  Don't get me wrong.  I love the radio.  It's fantastic.  I have my favorite stations.  But sometimes you just want to hear that ONE song that you know is going to turn your day around.  Before I had nothing.

Now, I have YouTube!  I want to hear Brown Eyed Girl and I don't have my iPod, I just plug it into YouTube and I can hear several different versions (which I don't really care about because we all know the original is the best).  And I'm instantly in a good mood.

But sometimes I'm not in the mood to just hear a specific song.  And while I now have all my music on my magical cell phone, sometimes I just want to hear something different.  So I recently jumped on the Pandora Radio bandwagon.  I went there.  It's amazing!  I love how it seems to read my mind and send me songs that I've never heard before but LOVE all while mixing in some old favorites and current hits.  Plus I'm one of those weird people who use too much data for the smaller data plan but comes no where close to the limit of data I pay for.  So I love listening to my Pandora Radio to up my data out of principle.  Yeah, I'm odd like that.

I have a few other Internet loves.  I recently was invited to Pinterest and I'm obsessed!  I'm totally loving it and it's a new distraction when I don't have anything going on and need to relax.  I have a board that's filled with beach pictures, and it's my new relaxing board for when I need to take a chill pill.  I love it!  I'm also actually liking the new Twitter (didn't think I would at first), and I switched to Timeline on Facebook the minute I could so I'm not phased by it.

And my number one reason to be thankful for the Internet?  My Internet peeps!  Between blogging, my support forum, my new friends on Facebook, and all that other goodness, I've found a way to connect to so many people who are going through similar things.  There's nothing sweeter...

Thanksgiving!

I'm Thankful For Apple Pie

Thanksgiving, a day when we give thanks for everything that we have been given in this life.  Interesting concept.  There are a lot of places I could go with this post, but I'm going to keep it positive today.

I am thankful for...

Spending another holiday with my mom.  She always goes above and beyond on the holidays and I'm glad that I get to share this one with her.  My mom is my rock and she keeps me sane.  She's the best mom I could have asked for and I'm thankful for the time that I do get to spend with her.  I'm thankful that she's starting to do better and she remembers who I am now.  I'm thankful that she can carry a conversation and understands what's going on around her in the morning.

Seeing Rudy on Thanksgiving.  Being in a long distance relationship is very hard.  We've done it before, but only for three months at a time.  We're now deep into month six, and working toward a new goal of living together next fall.  Being apart so much makes things like the holidays hard.  So seeing each other is a real blessing this year.  We're working through our problems together, and finding a way to make it work right now.  I'm very thankful that I will get to see him not only on Thanksgiving, but Christmas and New Years too.  Hopefully next year it won't be as much of an issue.

My friends.  Particularly the ones who have gone out of their way to be there for me lately.  You know who you are.  Everyone has crap going on in their own lives.  That's just how life works.  But I have a handful of friends who push their own crap aside to help me deal with mine.  And for that I am eternally grateful.  I'm very lucky to have made such great friends.

My blog-peeps.  I can't say it enough.  The people who read, comment, give feedback, email, or just drive up my page views are amazing.  If you're reading this, you're amazing.  Whenever I'm feeling particularly down, I come here and reread some of my favorite comments.  Or I look at my stats and feel more connected.  And then I go visit other blogs and feel less alone.  And see that these people have survived, so I can too.  I'm starting to love November because so many of my favorites are blogging more, every day in some cases.  Only you could turn the month of November around for me.

My mentor.  She's been amazing these last few months.  I've been struggling, and she noticed.  She reached out a hand to help me up.  She gave me a creative outlet, a place to leave it all behind and get my frustrations out of my system.  I'm so thankful to have her in my life.

My camera.  It's become so important to me these past few weeks.  I can hardly go a day without taking pictures of something.  And I don't just take pictures, I take LOTS of pictures.  I'm learning a new skill and slowly starting to get better at it.  And it's a break that I need.  I'm grateful that I've had my camera in my hands during some tough times these past few weeks.  And nobody can take it away from me.  It's a skill that's all mine.

My first father.  We've had our ups and downs, but he's been there for me as best he can.  He's making a serious effort and it means the world to me.  He's the father I didn't have growing up, and the father I don't have otherwise in my life right now.  To know I can send a text message and get one back is amazing.  He makes me laugh when nobody else is even trying because they don't care.  Someday, things will be different and I'll have to share our relationship more.  Right now it's just the two of us but someday others will be there in the background when they know about me.  So I'm going to be thankful for what we have right now, because it's what I need at this particular moment at this particular time.  I'm going to enjoy it for now and we'll see what happens in the future.

For all of these things I'm thankful.  And I'm thankful that I'm smart enough to see that changes do need to be made in my life and for making some steps in the right direction.  I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

Learning to Fall

It's hard to stare off the cliff...

I'm taking a break from Quotable Wednesdays because my stats on those posts are awful. Like nobody reads them. So rather than writing them every week, I'm going to just write them every once and a while on Wednesdays. Like maybe I'll just do them the first week of the month or something. We'll see.

This isn't the first time nor the last time that I've tried something that didn't work. I'm not perfect. I make lots of mistakes. I frequently fail at things. But I'm ok with that. If every time I tried something new it worked without a hitch, I'd never learn anything. Sometimes you have to fall in order to appreciate what you have and to learn to pick yourself back up.

When I was two, I started my first dance class. Yes, I've been dancing since I could walk. Anyway, one of the first things we learned to do was fall. From age two and up, I've had to know how to fall property, so that I wouldn't seriously hurt myself. It's a simple lesson (protect your head) but a hard one to come to terms with when you are instructed to nearly throw yourself on the ground. It's a lesson that I didn't think much about until I started some more advanced classes and I fell a lot more. It became a common sight to see me on the floor. I'm sort of a klutz (which you wouldn't expect from someone who's been in ballet classes practically all their life). However, after picking myself up, I'd do whatever move or sequence I was trying to master flawlessly. I'd learned my lesson and I was ready to go at it again.

My reunion with my first mother didn't go the way I wanted it to. It happens. It wasn't her fault, it wasn't mine, it was just a bad situation. Sometimes there is nothing you can do about it. We have to accept that, and pick ourselves back up. Knowing what I knew about my first attempt at reunion, I started a relationship with my first father. I was able to take what I learned and apply it the second time around. This time, things are a lot better (not perfect, but what relationship is?). I wouldn't say that it is just because I act differently, but my first father is a different person with different emotions. He didn't carry me for nine months in secret. His family viewed children born out of wedlock differently. He's more accepting because he was accepted, unlike my first mother who grew up a lot differently than he did and who had other issues to deal with.

I don’t like thinking about what would have happened if I didn't pick myself back up. I didn't need to reach out to my first father. I didn't have to trust him and give him time when he said he needed it. I didn't need to open myself up. I didn't have to forge a relationship with him that hopefully will last. We've been taking the time to build the foundation. I know we have a rocky path ahead. Right now it's just the two of us, but someday my sisters will be added into the mix. I'm hoping my first mother changes her mind about me. My extended family will learn about me someday. Those may or may not be good things for him. Only time will tell. But we have a solid foundation, or at least we are getting there.

But the thing is, the last paragraph wouldn't be there if I hadn't decided to try again. I put myself out there, got hurt, learned from it, and tried again for a much better result. It's always going to be a work in progress. And I'm always going to have hard times. It's a roller coaster after all. But hopefully I will always bounce back, to greater and higher peaks. So don't be afraid to try something new, to put yourself out there, or to build something that might fall down. You never know what could happen.

I'm not all adoption you know...

Though at times it does seem like my entire life is about adoption, it really isn't.  I swear!  I'm a normal person too!  I have interests!  I do stuff!  And if you met me on the street, I could have whole conversations with you and you'd never know I was adopted.  I promise.

One of my interests is dance.  I love dance.  I used to live for it.  I would be at the studio teaching two, three times a week, took my own lessons twice a week, and ran a dance team practice once a week as well.  I practically lived there.  It was OK because it was across the street so I could come and go as I pleased.  Something about dance kept me going.  It never mattered what happened at school that day, how crappy I felt, or whatever else was going on in life.  When I was out on the floor, either in pointe shoes, jazz boots, or tap shoes, it never mattered.  It was just me and the music and my fellow dancers.  It was magical when things went right.  It was painful when they went wrong.  But I learned so much in that studio.  I learned that there is no such word as "can't".  It's "I'm unable to do it at the moment but I will keep trying".  I learned that when you fall down, you get back up and try it again.  And I learned that you are only as strong as your weakest dancer, so you build each other up.  All very important life lessons.  The studio has closed it's doors and I miss it so much.  I miss my students, I miss seeing their progress, and I miss hugs after class because they had a good time.  I'm starting to work my way back into dance.  I might not be able to do what I used to, but there's no excuse for being out of shape.  Times have been stressful lately and I've turned my back on the one thing that used to keep me going.  I think life is trying to tell me something.

I also love technology.  I think if you haven't figured that out yet, you haven't been paying attention on my blog. I've always been great with computers, and I have made them my career.  I do have a love/hate relationship at time and I want to throw my old laptop out the window sometimes (I can't, I haven't moved everything over yet), but at the end of the day, I don't hate my job or my career.  And it's like Christmas morning when I get a new piece of technology.  So awesome :-)

Next, I love TV.  Growing up, my mom was super anti-TV.  We were only allowed to watch Saturday morning cartoons and a movie here or there on rainy days.  Instead, we read, we went outside to play, and we had a lot of dolls.  We had closets full of dolls.  All sort of dolls.  It was amazing.  I still have some of them so I can maybe pass them on someday.  Anyway, we never watched TV.  We didn't have cable until I was in high school.  Now, I'm a huge TV fan.  I get lost in books very easily and I need something that has a set end time, like a TV show.  I'm a big junkie.  I love Hu.lu.  Go figure.

So now you know about three of my interests that are not adoption related.  You learn something new every day!

A Quote About Something You Love

"You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like there's nobody listening, and live like it's heaven on earth." ~William W. Purkey

I've been dancing since I was two and a half years old.  I was barely walking, and I was in those tap shoes tapping away.  We have videos from my first dance recital of me in my blue tutu, smiling as I dance away on the stage.  As I got older, my friends slowly stopped dancing to try other things, but I kept going.  I danced my heart out.  I got old enough to work at the studio, and I was there three days a week.  I helped the little girls tie on their shoes, I did warm up exercises at the barre, and I lead the four year old tap class.  My star students.  By the end of the year, they were in a straight line, somewhat synchronized, and looking at me.  That last one is huge.  Usually a four year old only has eyes for Mommy, not the teacher at the front of the room.

Now that I don't have my classes as an outlet, I can often be found randomly dancing around my room.  I'll admit it.  It's fun.  I got new speakers for Christmas so I blast my iPod, put on some Lady Gaga, and let 'er rip!  I'm a huge fan of dance games for my Wii.  Just Dance, Zumba, Gold's Work Out Dance Game, I've got 'em all.  I even made my boyfriend learn how to waltz with me using a DVD I got at the bookstore.  We waltz now.  Not well, but good enough.  It's fun.

I love this quote because it's not just about dance; it's a way to live life.  I think that if everyone did this and wasn't so concerned about what other people thought about them, then this world would be a better place.

Take NeverTooLate for instance.  She's so concerned about what other people thing.  She's been living with her shame for years and years and years.  Maybe if she just let it go, she'd be a happier person.  She is her own worst enemy and it's not good for her.  Looking at SinginInTheRain, he needs to learn how to let go too.  Keeping secrets is stressful and hard, and I worry about him now.  That's the downside of having more parents.  There are more people to worry about...

I'm convinced that everyone needs to take a chill pill and go dance.  Does it solve problems?  No.  But it does make you feel more relaxed, and then you are more likely to solve problems in a better way.  I know I always do better when I've danced it out first.  Don't have space to dance around?  That's OK, you can dance in the car.  Put on a song with a good beat and dance it out.  Head bobbing is a requirement.  There are no other rules.  Do what feels best.

Dance as if nobody is watching.  Dance your heart out.  Dance like it can save the world.  Dance for you.