I Love The Internet

The Internet lets me share things
like this

What would be do with the Internet?  Seriously!  A random statement, I know, but I swear I have a point here.  Music has always been a huge part of my life.  It's something that has gotten me through a lot, and will help me get through the challenges that I've been facing lately.  When I say music has been a huge part of my life, I should clarify.  I've been dancing since I was two.  At the time of writing this post, I'm twenty-four... (wow, just got distracted by the fact I'm an adult!).  I've been dancing for twenty-two years.  That's almost 92% of my life.  If I was still in school, I'd know that's an A-, a pretty big deal.  Without music, I couldn't dance (and trip over my own feet).  So it's been super important.

Before the Internet, I would listen to tapes and CDs.  My parents were really into tapes, so I used to have a tape player.  Then when CD players became popular, I asked for CDs but my parents didn't really trust them.  And they were expensive!  So most of the time, I was limited to radio.  Don't get me wrong.  I love the radio.  It's fantastic.  I have my favorite stations.  But sometimes you just want to hear that ONE song that you know is going to turn your day around.  Before I had nothing.

Now, I have YouTube!  I want to hear Brown Eyed Girl and I don't have my iPod, I just plug it into YouTube and I can hear several different versions (which I don't really care about because we all know the original is the best).  And I'm instantly in a good mood.

But sometimes I'm not in the mood to just hear a specific song.  And while I now have all my music on my magical cell phone, sometimes I just want to hear something different.  So I recently jumped on the Pandora Radio bandwagon.  I went there.  It's amazing!  I love how it seems to read my mind and send me songs that I've never heard before but LOVE all while mixing in some old favorites and current hits.  Plus I'm one of those weird people who use too much data for the smaller data plan but comes no where close to the limit of data I pay for.  So I love listening to my Pandora Radio to up my data out of principle.  Yeah, I'm odd like that.

I have a few other Internet loves.  I recently was invited to Pinterest and I'm obsessed!  I'm totally loving it and it's a new distraction when I don't have anything going on and need to relax.  I have a board that's filled with beach pictures, and it's my new relaxing board for when I need to take a chill pill.  I love it!  I'm also actually liking the new Twitter (didn't think I would at first), and I switched to Timeline on Facebook the minute I could so I'm not phased by it.

And my number one reason to be thankful for the Internet?  My Internet peeps!  Between blogging, my support forum, my new friends on Facebook, and all that other goodness, I've found a way to connect to so many people who are going through similar things.  There's nothing sweeter...

Follow Up: NeverTooLate

Thank you all for your support these last few weeks.  I've gotten lots of feedback (and not just here).  I was really nervous last week about posting about potentially forcing NeverTooLate's hand.  I was afraid of what a lot of first mothers and adoptive parents would think about that idea.  I figured that no first mother would think it was a good idea.  And that adoptive parents would say to err on the side of caution.  It was really mind blowing to me when it seemed like everyone was behind me.  And everyone was on my side!  I don't typically get that in my life.  My mom is amazing, but she never took my side before.  My aunts are great (and are the new role models in my life) but they never took my side either.  Everyone in real life has been telling me to be patient.  And to wait.  And that I don't have a right to barge into her life.  So it was different for me to see that at least a few people think that I deserve to have the opportunity to meet my first mother on my terms.

It also blew me away that so many people took the time to comment and email me.  It showed me that random strangers (well, not super random and not exactly "strangers" anymore) cared enough to reach out and offer words of support and helpful suggestions.  It really means/meant a lot to me!

So I wanted to say thanks.  As I said before, I'm not in a position to make that move right now.  But I'm hoping to be in a better place by the summer.  And I'm not letting anyone stop me once I make up my mind.  I don't care if my first father flips out.  I don't care in my first mother never wants to see me again afterward.  I want to move forward with my life, and the only way I can do that is to meet her.

For now, I'm shelving this.  I've got loads of stuff going on right now.  I'm hoping that some stuff works itself out, I work out some other stuff, and I can get to a better place.  Once that happens (and some of it is completely dependent on other people), then I'm going to write my first mother an email and let her know how I feel.  I'm going to tell her why I want to meet her, and why I'd rather not wait.  I'm going to flat out ask her to meet me.  And I'm going to send it and see if she responds.  I'm going to give her a month to write me back.  If she doesn't respond or responds badly, then I'm going to either show up, or try to email her one more time and tell her that she can either meet me in a way that works for her, or I'll just show up.  I haven't decided yet, and I'll probably figure it out based on the response.  We'll see.

Should it come down to me just showing up, I don't think I'll go to their house.  Sandlot is 14.  She'll be 15 over the summer, but she's still very young.  And my maternal grandparents live in the same house, just a different apartment.  And I don't want to deal with them right now.  So showing up at the house probably would be a horrible horrible idea.  I know where she works, so I could always show up there.  Problem in that is that she's afraid she'll lose her job if they find out about me (oh the joys of being Catholic).  So she could flip out A LOT if I show up at her work, even if I claim to be a niece (which I could do if I meant I got to meet her).  But I do have options.  Lots of options.  So we'll see.  I'll figure it out eventually.  Like I said, it's going on the mental shelf right now and it will be pulled out again, probably in a few months.

Thank you again for reading and commenting and emailing.  I so honestly appreciate it!  You guys are the best!

Thanksgiving!

I'm Thankful For Apple Pie

Thanksgiving, a day when we give thanks for everything that we have been given in this life.  Interesting concept.  There are a lot of places I could go with this post, but I'm going to keep it positive today.

I am thankful for...

Spending another holiday with my mom.  She always goes above and beyond on the holidays and I'm glad that I get to share this one with her.  My mom is my rock and she keeps me sane.  She's the best mom I could have asked for and I'm thankful for the time that I do get to spend with her.  I'm thankful that she's starting to do better and she remembers who I am now.  I'm thankful that she can carry a conversation and understands what's going on around her in the morning.

Seeing Rudy on Thanksgiving.  Being in a long distance relationship is very hard.  We've done it before, but only for three months at a time.  We're now deep into month six, and working toward a new goal of living together next fall.  Being apart so much makes things like the holidays hard.  So seeing each other is a real blessing this year.  We're working through our problems together, and finding a way to make it work right now.  I'm very thankful that I will get to see him not only on Thanksgiving, but Christmas and New Years too.  Hopefully next year it won't be as much of an issue.

My friends.  Particularly the ones who have gone out of their way to be there for me lately.  You know who you are.  Everyone has crap going on in their own lives.  That's just how life works.  But I have a handful of friends who push their own crap aside to help me deal with mine.  And for that I am eternally grateful.  I'm very lucky to have made such great friends.

My blog-peeps.  I can't say it enough.  The people who read, comment, give feedback, email, or just drive up my page views are amazing.  If you're reading this, you're amazing.  Whenever I'm feeling particularly down, I come here and reread some of my favorite comments.  Or I look at my stats and feel more connected.  And then I go visit other blogs and feel less alone.  And see that these people have survived, so I can too.  I'm starting to love November because so many of my favorites are blogging more, every day in some cases.  Only you could turn the month of November around for me.

My mentor.  She's been amazing these last few months.  I've been struggling, and she noticed.  She reached out a hand to help me up.  She gave me a creative outlet, a place to leave it all behind and get my frustrations out of my system.  I'm so thankful to have her in my life.

My camera.  It's become so important to me these past few weeks.  I can hardly go a day without taking pictures of something.  And I don't just take pictures, I take LOTS of pictures.  I'm learning a new skill and slowly starting to get better at it.  And it's a break that I need.  I'm grateful that I've had my camera in my hands during some tough times these past few weeks.  And nobody can take it away from me.  It's a skill that's all mine.

My first father.  We've had our ups and downs, but he's been there for me as best he can.  He's making a serious effort and it means the world to me.  He's the father I didn't have growing up, and the father I don't have otherwise in my life right now.  To know I can send a text message and get one back is amazing.  He makes me laugh when nobody else is even trying because they don't care.  Someday, things will be different and I'll have to share our relationship more.  Right now it's just the two of us but someday others will be there in the background when they know about me.  So I'm going to be thankful for what we have right now, because it's what I need at this particular moment at this particular time.  I'm going to enjoy it for now and we'll see what happens in the future.

For all of these things I'm thankful.  And I'm thankful that I'm smart enough to see that changes do need to be made in my life and for making some steps in the right direction.  I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

200th Post

This is my 200th post!  I'm very proud of me for making it this far.  Back when I started blogging, I didn't publish anything at first.  I was scared of putting my story out there.  I was afraid that nobody would want to hear what I had to say.  If you had told me a year ago I'd have 200 posts before I even hit my one year blog-iversary I wouldn't have believed you.

I have learned after two-hundred posts that I would continue to blog even if I had no readers.  It makes me feel better, gives me an outlet, and helps me to contain my thoughts.  It's been good therapy in a way.  At the same time, I will say that it's so much more fun to have readers to try to entertain/inspire/make think.

Thank you to all my readers out there, especially the people who comment.  You make it all worth it and much more fun!

First week of work

I survived my first week of work!  I'm exhausted, my brain is fried, and I've had more information thrown at me the past week then I can handle, but I haven't been this happy for a long time.  Every person I met was friendly and welcoming.  They all answered questions, told me they were happy I was there, and they were all excited to get to know me.  Or at least they were good at acting like they were.  People who I will probably never work with came over to introduce themselves and let me know if I needed anything to just ask.  This adoptee was blow out of the water.

It's funny, but nothing else in my life is going the way it "normally" should.  I guess I was just expecting that this would be another one of those things.  My family isn't what I consider "normal".  I have four parents.  That's just not right.  My boyfriend lives in another state.  That's not normal (though it's getting more and more normal with the Internet and online dating).  But still...  My friends live in Africa.  That's definitely not normal.  I could keep going, but I'll stop there.

I didn't have high expectations.  I was prepared for the worst, but hopeful for the best.  It worked out this time.  So at least I now have a good job.  It's something.  And of course I have my online community.  I can't ever forget that.  You don't know how much you all mean to me.  I wouldn't be here without you, and I really mean that.  Thank you :-)

Thankful

I'm feeling very thankful today.  I'm so lucky in life and I'm starting to realize just how lucky lately.  I have a number of things going for me and I'm so happy to be in this place.  Of course things could be better but things are good enough right now and they could be so much worse.

First, I'm thankful for knowing the basics of where I come from.  Two years ago I didn't.  I had no clue and I was floating around in the fog.  I've been so blessed to know my first parents' names, to have gotten to know NeverTooLate on some level, and to have a wonderful relationship with SinginInTheRain.  I have two sisters and I know that they are out there.  That's more than I could say two years ago.  I feel like I know who I am now, where I come from.  I have gained another father figure, and I've gained an understanding of where some of my personality comes from.

Next, I'm thankful for the friends I have made online through this adoption community.  I remember stumbling across Linda's Blog Real Daughter and that was my introduction to the online community and started to slowly come out of the fog.  I started to realize that some of my issues that never made sense before actually came from adoption.  Things started to click and fall into place for me.

I'm thankful for having my words.  I have the ability to write about what I'm thinking.  I've been watching my mother struggle to come up with words (a side effect of the tumor in her brain) and it's so frustrating for her.  She knows what she wants to say but does not have the ability to communicate it.  I can't imagine being stuck in my own brain.  I'm so thankful that I can tell the world what I'm thinking and I can come up with words.  I think that people take that for granted sometimes.  I know I do.  So I'm thankful for something that a rare few are denied.

Finally, I'm thankful for knowing mostly healthy people.  Yes, my mother is sick, but as bad as that is, I saw the most heartbreaking sight the other day at the hospital.  While we were waiting for my mom's appointment, there was a five year old girl with her father waiting for her last treatment before surgery.  She was all dressed in pink and had tubes coming out of her.  She told the nurse that it was her seven year old brother's birthday the next day and that they were having a fundraiser for her the following week.  It was heartbreaking.  I nearly started crying right there thinking about what that poor innocent girl and her family must be going through.  I can handle my mother being sick, but I don't think I'd be able to handle having a child with a deadly disease and trying to keep a family going.

I'm thankful for a lot of things.  I'm thankful for life, I'm thankful for health, and I'm thankful to have the chance to blog another day...