Guilt and Shame

I’ve had lots of time to think and reflect these past few weeks and I’ve realized that I haven’t really been fair to myself.  I’ve always been the considerate one, the person who puts others first.  I never brought up my adoption even when I needed to because I didn’t want to make my mother feel bad.  When I started emailing NeverTooLate, I didn’t understand her but I did my best and didn’t ask questions because of what she needed.  She didn’t want me to get in touch with SinginInTheRain, so I didn’t even though I needed to for me.

When you’re a kid, you know that normal people don’t give away their babies.  There needs to be a reason.  I know it’s not my fault that she was too young (insert your own excuse here) but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t know that my origins were something to feel shame for.  I wasn’t proud of my natural parents because I was told there was nothing to be proud of.  I lived with the guilt and shame my whole life for something I had no control over.  When I started my search, I didn’t initially tell my adoptive parents because I was afraid of hurting them.  I feel this tremendous guilt when it comes to giving them any details.

These feels were not helped by NeverTooLate who refused to deal with her new reality and the fact that I got in touch.  She kept me a secret from her husband, my natural father for another nine months.  That only further reinforced the guilt and shame.  When I finally got in touch with him, we have these amazing conversations but I’m still a huge secret.  I’m not good enough to tell people about.

I know I am good enough.  I know I deserve better.  I get that it’s complicated, but sometimes you just need to uncomplicated things.  I’m not perfect, but I’m not a horrible person either and I deserve to be treated like a person, not a thing that can be traded away and then taken back down the road.  So guilt and shame, get ready to take a hike.  I will not be caring you around with me anymore.