Things Are Different... Good thing?

Things have been a little bit different lately. It's been almost a full year since I got in touch with my first father. I figured I'd blog about it today because I've been thinking about the state of things for awhile as things are slowly changing.

I had just moved back to school at the end of August after an extremely stressful summer at home. My sister and I had gotten into a blow up fight, which in part was related to the fact I had found my first family. Ever since I told her about finding them, our relationship hasn't been the same. I hadn't had time to deal with my issues with my first mother and the fact that things weren't going well. I was getting frustrated, and decided I needed to come up with a plan of action because I now had time to figure some things out. Mid-way through September, my friend came down to visit me. She had been through a lot with me, and happens to be a great outside perspective. She's amazing at balancing things, and she's great at getting me to calm down. She agreed that I needed to come up with a plan and helped me to figure things out. She was with me when I got that fated email from NeverTooLate and she agreed with me that it was permission to get in touch with my first father. She had no motivation other than wanting me to be happy, and she knew how important NeverTooLate was to me. So I know that she honestly thought it was permission too.

When I got in touch with my first father, I was in a very hard place. After my first mother blew up at me, I was devastated. I missed her and couldn't believe that things were over and she didn't want anything to do with me anymore. I cried, got angry, and went back to feeling sorry for myself. I finally pushed it aside, and tried to focus on what I had gained rather than what I had lost. So then I started emailing SinginInTheRain. Things went well, and I was determined not to get into the same trap that had happened before. Turns out he was on the same page and suggested a phone call. So by November, we were talking on the phone once a week. That's still the same. I can't believe we've kept it up so long. I figured eventually he'd get bored but I guess not. We always come up with things to talk about. Some days are harder than others, but we keep it going.

Next we agreed to meet. And we've met, twice now. The second time was by far better than the first. The nervousness was a bit easier to control. So that was awesome. And I think we'll probably meet up again soon now that his other children are back in school and he has a little bit more freedom. So that's pretty exciting.

It's been hard for me to accept that it's not just me that wants a relationship. I think it's further complicated in that while I've told nearly everyone in my adoptive family that I'm in a reunion mode, he hasn't. His family (other than his wife and in-laws) don't know about me, so therefore they don't know about reunion. It's just hard for me to see where I fit in his life sometimes. But things seem to be changing lately. It's just an odd feeling I'm getting. I think that I'm starting to accept that while he's not willing to share with his family, he is willing to be a part of my life. Maybe he's more than willing, maybe that's what he wants too. I don't know. We'll just have to see how this one plays out.