Checking Things Off The List

I have a pretty extensive To-Do list that I've been avoiding for the past few weeks.  It happens.  I've been so wrapped up on surviving that I put things off.  After a wonderful talk with Rudy, I decided that it's time to start living my life and putting the rest of it into prospective.  And so I jumped on  my To-Do list with a vengeance, and even managed to tackle a major goal on my bucket list.

I had a minor freak out this past weekend.  It was to be expected.  I had a lot of things on my plate that weekend.  I didn't communicate that well at all.  I told Rudy that I was struggling, but I never took the time to explain why.  I just figured he'd get it and give me some breathing room to figure it out.  Naturally that didn't happen because he had a completely different take on what was going on.  So he pushed thinking that I was just being weird about coming to visit him.  And I pushed back because that's what I do.  And he pushed some more.  And I snapped.  I don't think he's had an "Oh Shit" moment like that in a long time.  It wasn't his fault at all, nor was it my fault.  If I had communicated better, he would have backed way off and provided support a long time ago.  Slap me on the wrist.  It's a live and learn kind of thing.

Because I'm an adoptee, I didn't trust that Rudy really wasn't mad at me.  Seriously, I thought he was just covering up that he was mad because he didn't want me to start sobbing hysterically again.  It happens.  So last night we talked about it.  And boy do I feel a lot better.  He told me that yes, he was mad at first.  He didn't get why I wasn't coming to visit him and why I wasn't doing him a favor that he thought was a small one.  He didn't realize I was as stressed out as I am.  I show my stress in different ways, but he isn't here with me to see those signs.  He only has our phone conversations and I'm not always great at telling him about stuff that stresses me out.  So he didn't see the signs.  He didn't realize I was that close to the edge.  Once he realized that, he took a step back and realized that it wasn't worth it.  He wasn't mad when he realized that I had a really good reason for not wanting to drive to Connecticut for the weekend.  And I was willing to meet him halfway on Sunday for dinner.  So I still got to see him, I was less stressed out, and I will deal with the stresses in Connecticut at a later date when I don't have so much on my plate.  And Rudy also agreed to read Lost and Found by BJ Lifton.  How amazing is that?

I booked our hotel and flight to Chicago for the Adoptee Rights Protest.  I can't wait!  It will cross on my goal to visit one place that I've never been this year.  I can't wait to see Chicago and I'm always up for a weekend away with my amazing boyfriend.  Plus I'll get to meet a lot of the bloggers and adoptees that I've met online who have seriously helped me the past year.  I've been meaning to get on booking the flights and hotel, but I just hadn't gotten around to it.  A part of me was scared.  I decided today that I was done being scared and booked it.  I'll be there with bells and whistles on.

I was sort of ridding off that high when something came up on Groupon.  I'm now self-banned from that site.  I'm going to learn how to fly a plane.  It's on my bucket list.  I've always wanted to learn and there was a deal that I just couldn't pass up.  It's a once in a lifetime opportunity and I can do it!  I'm tired of living life scared.  I'm going to do something that I've always wanted to do.  I'm going to go up in a plane with a FAA-certified instructor and learn the basics.  I can't wait!

I was in the middle of putting together all my emails with my first mother so I could send away for a printed book (like I did with my first father) when my reunion with him ended very quickly.  I put it all away for the time being because it was too painful to deal with.  Now that I'm meeting her, I feel like I ended things in a good place via email.  I finished putting together the first two years of emails from the two of us (February 2010 through February 2012) and I've ordered the book.  I can check that off my list too.  Score!

No matter what happens with my reunion on Monday, I've got plenty in my life to look forward to.  I'll be learning how to fly and fulfilling my life long dream of flying a plane (even if there's a guy next to me who's really in control and it's for ten minutes...).  I'll be going on an amazing vacation to Disney with my boyfriend and we're going to ride all the scary rides together and have a blast.  I'll be headed to Chicago, a city I've always wanted to visit, to meet up with some amazing people to fight for an amazing cause!  And you know what?  I can't wait!

Things To Look Forward To

While 2011 was an interesting year, 2012 is right around the corner and I'm so looking forward to it!  2012 is going to be a fantastic year for me, I can just tell!

For starters, I have some amazing concerts coming up.  I'm going to see Blake Shelton with my sister and cousins in a few months.  I have a mini-crush (ok, maybe not so mini) and I can't wait to see him in person.  I love his music and I can't wait to see him sing "Honeybee" in person.  In the spring, I'm going with one of my best friends to see Lady Antebellum (for the third time!) and Darius Rucker (who is my second favorite singer these days).  We're going to celebrate my friend's birthday and her graduation.  We both love country music and those artists, so I can't wait to enjoy a fun concert with her!

My two closest friends will be returning to the US after living in Africa.  Both ladies will be home around the summertime.  I can't wait to have them home!  I hate hearing stories about civil unrest and running to the computer to see how far away it is from both of them.  And one friend in particular has gotten sick over there a few times and that's a really scary thing.  So I can't wait until they both come home!  I'm so happy that they are having a great time and learning great things, but coming home is fun too.

It's time for me to get my own place.  I'm going to start looking for an apartment in the spring.  I'll have been home for a year and paid off a good portion of my loans.  So I think it's time for me to think about moving out on my own to start my own life.  I love my parents.  They are awesome.  Sure, the Grinch has been a major pain in my ass the last few months, but he's my dad so I'll always love him.  He means well most of the time.  And my mom is amazing.  She's a saint.  And my sister and I are starting to get along better.  But never the less, I need to start my own life and learn to take care of myself.  So I'll be moving on, while staying close enough to home that I can still visit whenever I want.

The Adoptee Rights Convention is going to be in Chicago in 2012.  I'm determined to be in attendance!  Unfortunately San Antonio didn't work out.  But Chicago is much more manageable and because I know about it a long time in advance, I've already starting putting money aside for it.  I can't wait to meet some of the wonderful people I've met online in person and to move from just being an e-activist to working towards equal rights for adoptees in person.

There's got to be a lot of stuff that I'm missing, but these are the big things that jump out at me.  You never know what the year will bring!  So here's to a fantastic and hopeful 2012!

Santa Baby!

Nearly peed my pants... I love you Bastards!  Thanks for making this and uploading it Linda!

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Conversations With Mom

I was thinking the other day about adult adoptees and adoptive parents.  Lots of drama has been happening lately, but what really got to me was the way that some adoptive parents reacted to adult adoptees.  These adoptees, who have been there for me when I was free falling after a stalled reunion a year ago, were dismissed, called names, and told they were unwanted.  By adoptive parents.  I was stunned.  I'd heard of this happening before, but had never witnessed it.  I never thought that adoptive parents would treat adoptees that way.  Adoption is supposed to be about adoptees, isn't it?  Adoptive parent should respect adoptees, adult or not, as someone who was adopted and therefore shares something with their children.  We may not all think alike, but we do deserve to be respected enough as people.

I was blown away.  Mostly because I know some amazing adoptive parents.  My own being some of them.  My mother NEVER would have spoken to these adoptees the way some of the APs were attacking Joy and Von.  She would have been horrified.  My mother is near sainthood in my book.  Not because of adopting me.  Side story time!

A healing statue was brought to a Church near where we live.  Naturally, we want to bring my mother there.  So off we go, even though it's not her best time of day.  We get to the Church, say a prayer, make a donation, have our rosary beads blessed, and sit for a few minutes in quiet reflection.  My mother starts to fade a bit, so it is time to leave while she still has the ability to walk by herself.  As we get ready to go, a family walks in the side door.  They have a little boy who very clearly was sick.  The family is there to pray and hope for a miracle.  My mother sees them walk in and refuses to leave.  She wants to make sure she can say a prayer for the little boy.  She is exhausted.  She hasn't left the house in days.  She feels horrible.  We are drenched from the rain.  But she stays on that uncomfortable Church bench because she wants to say a prayer for that little boy.  He is more important to her, someone she's never met, than the nice warm car.  She's amazing.

Moving on.  Back in July, my mom and I went on vacation.  More like she went on vacation and I continued my attempt at nursing duties.  It was right before the Adoptee Rights Protest, and I was sad to be missing it.  My mother was with it enough to notice I was sad.  She asked me about it, and we had the following conversation.

Mom: Jenn, what's up?  You don't seem yourself.

Jenn:  Oh, I'm fine Mom.  I'm just a little bummed.  My friends are going to a protest in San Antonio but I couldn't go.  I'm just sad to miss it.

Mom: A protest?  What for?

Jenn:  Well, it's to petition the government to unseal birth certificates for adult adoptees.  When you adopted me, my original birth certificate was sealed, and I can't get it without a court order because of the year I was born.  Had I been born before 1972 or after 2008, I would have been able to get that document at 18.  But myself and the majority of adult adoptees in the country cannot access our birth information.  We're the only group in the US who cannot access that information.  I know several people who can't even get passports or driver's licenses because they can't prove they were born in the US.  They need a document for the government that the government prohibits them from having.

Mom:  Well that's… that's just not right.  It's not, you know, fair! (for my mother who suffers from word aphasia, the fact she got these words right is amazing)

Jenn:  I know.  It's not fair.

Mom:  I'm glad your friends are protesting.

Jenn:  Me too Mom.

My mother believes that people should be on equal footing.  She raised me that way.  She believes in equality.  She was the first person to tell me I wasn't "less then" for being adopted.  She taught me to stand up for what I believe in.  She's my biggest fan, and my fiercest defender.  At least she was…  If she doesn't agree with someone, she at least respects the other person as a person, a human, and hears them out.  Without calling them names.  Or telling them they were unwanted. Or saying other nasty things.  I know she isn't the only adoptive parent out there who feels that way.  I've been lucky enough to meet some others floating around online in adoptoland.  And I'm really happy that they exist.  So if you are one of those adoptive parents, thank you for being out there.

I'm very lucky to have my adoptive mother as my mother.  I'm glad that my mother supports me.  She backs me up.  Even when she's sick, she puts others first.  Because that's who she is.  And she's on my side.  For that, I'll always be thankful.

Things to Look Forward To

I'm at a huge transition point in my life. I have a new job, my first real job, I'm not going back to school in the fall for the first time in nearly twenty years, and I'm adjusting to living at home for a while, rather than just staying for a few months. With that being said, I do have a few things to look forward to.

My job is just starting so I'm in that in-between phase where I don't know enough to really do anything and they have to figure out what to do with me. I'm looking forward to settling in and actually getting to do my job. The stuff is fun and interesting and right up my ally. I get to play around with computers all day and I can't tell you how much I love that. It's in my blood, what can I say?

I've been with my boyfriend for five years now, so we're celebrating in style. I'm really excited and I can't wait! It's our anniversary! Side note: I hate that term for when we started dating because I can never tell what date it's supposed to refer to. Is it when we had our first date? (That's what I'm referring to) Is it when we became official? When was that exactly? I only use that word for lack of a better term. But I still don't like it. I only see anniversaries for people who are married. That makes sense. But we need something to explain how long we've been together. Anyway, after that day, I have my birthday (mixed feelings) but more importantly, my boyfriend's birthday (which I love). So I can't wait for that either. Then we have Christmas, so there's a lot of stuff coming up and it'll be here before you know it!

I'm also excited because SinginInTheRain in coming up to visit me sometime this fall. I was freaked out that it wouldn't happen any time soon because his days off are in the middle of the week and I work during the week. Before, I had a random day off because I only had an internship and my classes were at night so it was no big deal. Loosing that day has made us need to rework some things like our weekly phone call. I figured I'd have to take a day off to see him and I wasn't thrilled because I don't have a lot of vacation time and can't really take any for a while as it's a new job. However, SinginInTheRain came through and suggested that we meet up for lunch near where I work. He'll drive the hour (which is probably better for him) and we can go somewhere (there are a million places to eat lunch around where I work) for a full hour. So that's pretty cool. I'm excited that seeing him almost feels normal. I'm hoping that if things continue to go well that maybe I can take a day off in the Spring and he can come to my hometown and see where I grew up. We'll see.

I've made up my mind to go to the protest next year. I've never been to Chicago and I really want to go. Plus it's cheaper for airfare for me. So I'm going. I've made up my mind. I don't care how many days I have to take off or how much it costs. It's a done deal.

I keep reminding myself about all of these wonderful things, especially when I get yelled at the minute I walk through the door for something I didn't do, or when dealing with a stressful situation at home. I'm so thankful I have a job now and can escape for nine hours (ten if you count the commute) and get away from my house for a bit. I love my family, but its getting old.

Protest!

The San Antonio protest is today!  I wish I could be there, but I'm cheering from a distance this year.  I hope all of my fellow adoptees, my favorite first mothers, and the awesome adoptive parents that are down there have a wonderful day.  I admire everyone who made the trip so much and I'm so thankful that I know some of them (even if it only is online).  I can't wait until next year, when I'll be able to attend myself!