Being Busy Isn't Helping

I'm being buried alive in paperwork!  My company updates its training records every few years and this is one of those years.  Because I'm the new girl, I have a lot to update.  So guess who's reading hundreds of pages of procedures?  You're looking at her!

It's also self-evaluation time.  My mother used to go crazy when she had to do her self-evaluation.  Mine isn't as complicated as hers.  Plus it really helps that I type all day long so I crank out paragraphs like it's nothing.  But it's still stressful trying to figure out the best way to sell myself, the girl who's only been there for a few months and still trying to figure out where all the bathrooms are (to be fair, this building is MASSIVE.  It's a half a mile long.  Literally).

One good thing about all this paperwork is that it's taking my mind off of other things.  And I've been pretty busy at home too.  My first father hasn't emailed me back yet.  Which is fine.  I shouldn't expect him to.  After all, I did change things up.  I had every right to.  I was justified.  But that still doesn't mean that he's not going to be hurt by it.  So I have to give him time to deal with it.  And I honestly don't know what's going on in his life.  So there could be a lot going on that I don't know about.  So that could be holding up his response.

I got some new furniture for my bedroom.  It's been a long time coming.  My clothes have literally been stacked on the floor in piles for about two months because I have no place to put them after the Grinch requested my old dresser for the guest bedroom.  I finally got my new dresser but that means that I have to organize everything again.  Joy.  Oh well!  Something to do!

I'm working on a few Valentine's Day surprises for Rudy.  He's been a bit stressed out lately and I want to give him a pick me up.  Part of his gift is here already but the other part needs to be ordered far in advance.  And it's going to take a pretty significant time to get to my house.  So my goal is to be finished by Friday so I don't have to worry about it.

If I can keep busy, maybe I won't check my email as much.  Maybe I won't feel the sting of rejection, which really makes no sense seeing as I want to end things, every time there is no email.  Really, I shouldn't feel this way.  But I do.  There's a part of me, a stupid part, that desperately wants him to write back and say that he's sorry and I'm right and I'm not going to be a secret anymore.  Not going to happen.  Not in a million years.  I know this.  But I still hope.  It's a huge flaw...

So here's to hoping that today will bring a change.  That today he'll get back to me and let me know that he at least doesn't hate me.  It shouldn't matter to me.  I shouldn't care about what other people think.  He didn't raise me and he made it perfectly clear that while I'm his daughter, I don't matter as much as his other daughters.  I'm not on equal footing as them because he chose not to raise me.  So what he thinks of me shouldn't matter.  But somehow it does.  (Note to self: Work on that)