Checking Things Off The List

I have a pretty extensive To-Do list that I've been avoiding for the past few weeks.  It happens.  I've been so wrapped up on surviving that I put things off.  After a wonderful talk with Rudy, I decided that it's time to start living my life and putting the rest of it into prospective.  And so I jumped on  my To-Do list with a vengeance, and even managed to tackle a major goal on my bucket list.

I had a minor freak out this past weekend.  It was to be expected.  I had a lot of things on my plate that weekend.  I didn't communicate that well at all.  I told Rudy that I was struggling, but I never took the time to explain why.  I just figured he'd get it and give me some breathing room to figure it out.  Naturally that didn't happen because he had a completely different take on what was going on.  So he pushed thinking that I was just being weird about coming to visit him.  And I pushed back because that's what I do.  And he pushed some more.  And I snapped.  I don't think he's had an "Oh Shit" moment like that in a long time.  It wasn't his fault at all, nor was it my fault.  If I had communicated better, he would have backed way off and provided support a long time ago.  Slap me on the wrist.  It's a live and learn kind of thing.

Because I'm an adoptee, I didn't trust that Rudy really wasn't mad at me.  Seriously, I thought he was just covering up that he was mad because he didn't want me to start sobbing hysterically again.  It happens.  So last night we talked about it.  And boy do I feel a lot better.  He told me that yes, he was mad at first.  He didn't get why I wasn't coming to visit him and why I wasn't doing him a favor that he thought was a small one.  He didn't realize I was as stressed out as I am.  I show my stress in different ways, but he isn't here with me to see those signs.  He only has our phone conversations and I'm not always great at telling him about stuff that stresses me out.  So he didn't see the signs.  He didn't realize I was that close to the edge.  Once he realized that, he took a step back and realized that it wasn't worth it.  He wasn't mad when he realized that I had a really good reason for not wanting to drive to Connecticut for the weekend.  And I was willing to meet him halfway on Sunday for dinner.  So I still got to see him, I was less stressed out, and I will deal with the stresses in Connecticut at a later date when I don't have so much on my plate.  And Rudy also agreed to read Lost and Found by BJ Lifton.  How amazing is that?

I booked our hotel and flight to Chicago for the Adoptee Rights Protest.  I can't wait!  It will cross on my goal to visit one place that I've never been this year.  I can't wait to see Chicago and I'm always up for a weekend away with my amazing boyfriend.  Plus I'll get to meet a lot of the bloggers and adoptees that I've met online who have seriously helped me the past year.  I've been meaning to get on booking the flights and hotel, but I just hadn't gotten around to it.  A part of me was scared.  I decided today that I was done being scared and booked it.  I'll be there with bells and whistles on.

I was sort of ridding off that high when something came up on Groupon.  I'm now self-banned from that site.  I'm going to learn how to fly a plane.  It's on my bucket list.  I've always wanted to learn and there was a deal that I just couldn't pass up.  It's a once in a lifetime opportunity and I can do it!  I'm tired of living life scared.  I'm going to do something that I've always wanted to do.  I'm going to go up in a plane with a FAA-certified instructor and learn the basics.  I can't wait!

I was in the middle of putting together all my emails with my first mother so I could send away for a printed book (like I did with my first father) when my reunion with him ended very quickly.  I put it all away for the time being because it was too painful to deal with.  Now that I'm meeting her, I feel like I ended things in a good place via email.  I finished putting together the first two years of emails from the two of us (February 2010 through February 2012) and I've ordered the book.  I can check that off my list too.  Score!

No matter what happens with my reunion on Monday, I've got plenty in my life to look forward to.  I'll be learning how to fly and fulfilling my life long dream of flying a plane (even if there's a guy next to me who's really in control and it's for ten minutes...).  I'll be going on an amazing vacation to Disney with my boyfriend and we're going to ride all the scary rides together and have a blast.  I'll be headed to Chicago, a city I've always wanted to visit, to meet up with some amazing people to fight for an amazing cause!  And you know what?  I can't wait!

A Place To Meet?

Maybe a place similar to this?

I still don't know where I'll be meeting my first mother and father.  However, I did finally hear back from him and he's going to call me at the end of the week (I guess tomorrow or Friday... weird).  Deep breaths.  I haven't talked to him since the beginning of December.  Deep breaths.  I can do this.  Before I'd gotten an email back, I mentioned to Rudy that I hadn't heard from either one of them.  His response is exactly why I love him:

"If they don't show, I'm gonna drive down there and give them a piece of my mind!" (said with his cute angry face).

He's the best!  He's got my back in this even though I gave him the opportunity to back out.  I know it's not going to be fun for him.  I know it's probably going to be really awkward.  But even after I gave him an out, he still wants to come.  Though he did admit it's partially selfish.  He wants to meet them too because I come from them.  They are a part of my history, and should we have kids, their history as well.  He wants to meet them himself and see who these people that he's been hearing so much about are.  He's read some of the emails (and some of my responses), seen the pictures, and even seen a video but like me, he wants more.  It's actually really validating to me that I'm not the only one.

My first father said he doesn't think my first mother would "do well" in a coffee shop.  It sounded like he wanted to meet up at the reservation near my house.  As in my hometown.  I don't know if that's a good idea. It took a lot for me to invite him up to see my hometown on my birthday.  We'd met up twice before.  And the situation was a bit different.

My mom wants to meet my first mother.  She's told me so much, and asked if she could come with me way back when I first found my first mother.  I was vague, and pushed everything off because I don't want my adoptive mother there.  Too many emotions to deal with and it's way too much.  I am going to tell her that I'm meeting with my first mother because I made a promise that I would, but I have to be careful about when I do so because my mom's health is so-so.  She didn't care so much when it was my first father.  My first mother is a whole different story.  My adoptive mother cannot be there.  I can't handle it.  Even if I could, my mom's health wouldn't allow her to meet my first mother at this time.  Probably not ever.

I could justify my first father coming to my hometown.  I just can't justify my first mother.  She'd be too close.  It's too personal.  And lets not forget that I can't go there, to their hometown and where I was born.  It feels like a power imbalance.  And after things went south with my first father, I realized that I don't really feel comfortable with the idea of him knowing what my house looks like but I don't know what his looks like.  Or the fact that he's driven by my house (well I was driving but he got to see it) and I haven't had the same opportunity.

I emailed back and asked if we could meet at a different reservation that's about a half hour away from my house.  It's about 40 minutes or so from them, and it would be highly unlikely for us to run into anyone they know there, or that I know there.  There's a little loop around a pond that is less than a mile long, so we could just walk the loop for as long as we wanted.  They have picnic areas there too with places to sit and because it's still March, I don't think many people will be there on a random Monday.  We'll see how he responds to that.  The weather is supposed to be really nice on Monday, although we'll have to wait and see.  If the weather changes, we may not have a choice and might have to meet at a coffee shop.

I think it's time for me to start planning an outfit to wear...

Diving Back In

I've gotten away from my adoption related reading lately.  I ordered a bunch of books, got them, and then my reunion came crashing to a halt back in December.  I put the books away in the back of my closet, and put them out of my mind.  Lately I've found some spare time and things are going a lot better.  I think I'm ready to try another book.  I loved Lost and Found by Betty J. Lifton, so I decided to give Journey of an Adopted Self a shot.  So far I'm loving it!

I think that reading books about adoption while in the right frame of mind is a great exercise.  For me, reading Lost and Found was like a light bulb going off.  All of these complex things that I felt were right there in black and white text published in a book!  I saw my history written for me in a way that I could understand and now verbalize.  And there were things in that book that I didn't identify with either.  No two adoptees are the same though so that made a lot of sense to me too.

Reading that book helped me so much.  It was the right time for me to read it though.  I was going through my reunion and saw how things could end badly after my first mother pulled back.  The fantasy was gone and I was ready to accept the truth, rather than this idea I had built in my head about what adoption is.  I was ready to hear some of the cons.  I'd been working towards that for a while and this book was the final push to make my views more realistic.

When my reunion with my first father was going well, I read those books because it was important for me to understand what was happening in my life.  I'd read that it was nearly impossible to find a good councilor versed in adoption issues.  So it was a way to see from an outside some of the things that were going on in my head.  It helped me so much and it's hard to put into words what it felt like to realize that I was normal.  Well, normal for an adoptee ;-)

Once things fell apart, I couldn't deal with the adoption stuff anymore.  I was still posting here, but it was really hard.  I really struggled back in December.  I was depressed, started battling an eating disorder, and really struggled with the point of it all.  It was a dark time for me.  I had to put everything aside and try to move on with my life.  It wasn't easy.  In January, I made a vow to myself to get better and I started working hard at it.  I stood up for myself with my first father and decided that I was going to take control of my own life.

I made some key decisions and slowly started to pull myself out of the ditch I had found myself in.  It was one of the hardest things I've done in a while, but I got through it.  I finally feel like the bulk of that drama is behind me and I'm ready to move forward.  I'm so much happier these days and I love feeling this way.  I've gained nearly five pounds, which is huge for me.  Things aren't perfect, but they never will be.

Perhaps before I was a bit too obsessive over all this stuff.  Now, I'm at a place where my adoption stuff fits into my life as it should.  It's a major part of my life.  There's no getting away from that.  Just like being a woman is a huge part of my life, or being an engineer.  Adoption will always be a part of who I am.  I can't change that.  But I can embrace it.  That being said, I don't want it to be my whole life.  I think I'm starting to find a good balance for everything.  So I'm going to read this book and see what happens.  I'm liking it so far and I hope to have a review up soon.

One Week!

This is the last week of my life as it is.  This time next week I'll be sitting at a coffee shop (probably Starbucks or something) at some yet unknown town across from my first parents.  Both of them.  Gulp.

I have some unwelcome distractions in my life right now.  Perhaps the silver lining is that it's keeping me from seriously freaking out about next week.  I feel like I've been waiting for this moment for forever.  Having to wait a month to meet her after she agreed didn't exactly help the situation.  It's frustrating at times because she's only an hour away.  Just one hour.  I could drive there tomorrow and see her.  Heck I could go right now.  I would never do that, but still.  It adds another layer.

I'm working on being a more patient person.  I am.  I haven't emailed my first father and demanded that he email me back and figure all this stuff out right now.  I didn't push to get the date moved up even though I wanted to.  I'm stressing quietly on my own.

It may not even happen.  She could still back out.  It's happened before.  I'm going to email her a pre-visit email this week.  I'm going to ask her if there's anything she would like me to bring with me.  I'm going to keep it super friendly and upbeat.  And I'm going to thank her again for agreeing to meet with me.  If that scares her off, then she wouldn't have showed up anyway.  My worst fear is that I'm going to get there and he'll be the only person there.  I know my first father wouldn't stand me up for anything.  He knows that if neither one of them showed up, I'd go find them and we all know they don't want that.  But I'm prepared to show up and hear him tell me excuses.  It could happen.  I'm only writing about it because I want to get it out there.  I want to purge my worries and set them aside.  And so that when I read back someday, I'll remember where my head was at.  You'd be amazed at how much I got wrong the last time.  I know I am anyway when I look back at the posts right before I met my first father (though to be fair, I had just started blogging and I've learned a lot since then).

What's more likely to happen is that I'll get there and she'll be there.  We'll smile, hug each other, and have a nice conversation.  I don't know what we'll talk about.  It doesn't even matter.  I'll hear more about how they don't want to tell my siblings.  I'll smile and nod, and Rudy will take over the conversation for a while while I regain my footing.  Then we'll hug each other goodbye and I won't want to leave.  Rudy and I will drive away with me not saying anything.  I'll either cry or not be able to stop smiling.  I'll get an email from my first father shortly thereafter and probably nothing from her.  And then I'll start to readjust.

Maybe there's a chance that things will change in the future.  Perhaps.  Life is a river, and I can't see up around this next bend.  We'll have to wait and see.  I have the highest hopes.

As for now, I'm going to enjoy this week.  Right now my first mother isn't a real person.  I can hold on to what's left of the fantasy (most of it's been destroyed already but some parts remain).  I'm going to say goodbye to who I am today and prepare to meet the new me in a week.  I know it's coming and I'll be prepared for that.  Thanks for reading!

Luck o' the Irish

Happy St. Patrick's Day!  If you're Irish, have a wonderful day celebrating your pride!  If you're not Irish but adopted into an Irish family (like me), have a great day celebrating your family's pride!  If you're not Irish, then have a fantastic day wishing you were Irish ;-)

I'm hoping that my proximity to real live Irish decedents will cause me to have good luck.  My mom is over 50% Irish and my dad is exactly 50% Irish.  If I was their biological kid, I'd be over 50% Irish.  And lets not forget that my sister is part Irish as well.  I'm surrounded by them.  And I might be English... Hehe!

Some luck might be nice.  I do have some major life events coming up and it's going to take a little bit of luck for them to go swimmingly.  So I need some of the luck of the Irish...  There are plenty of things that could go wrong when I meet my first mother in a little over a week, but so much that could go right too.  I'm going to focus on those things today!

Meeting my first mother could be the best thing that's ever happened.  I might see her and just know she's my mother.  I might feel connected to her in a way I've never felt before, something that non-adopted people take for granted.  Or I might not.  But with some luck, I'll at least feel something towards her.  I could see her and see all these  similarities between us.  Or maybe not.  I am a lot like my first father.  But still, he said there are some decent similarities between us, strong ones even, so perhaps that will be clear to me.  It might be really cool to see my two parents together.  I'm going to ask for a picture.  It might be the only chance I'll get.  Something could go wrong (like that time I forgot to ask for a picture when I was with my first father).  But with some luck Rudy will be able to take a nice picture.  So that could go really really well.  But most of all, I'm really hoping that my first mother and I get to connect as people.  There's something missing from the emails we shared over the past two years, even when things were good, and I'm hoping to find that at our face to face meeting.

With some luck we'll have good weather.  Nice weather as in the we can go for a walk outside somewhere kind of weather.  I don't do well sitting still.  At all.  It seems my first father doesn't do so great with that either. Actually, Rudy doesn't either.  So at least three of the four of us would feel better if we were moving as far as I can tell.  So nice weather would be appreciated.  Also, I can get a bit nervous sometimes, so it would be nice if I was able to control my nerves.  I'm working hard now to prepare.  I'm running, working on being relaxed, and preparing with Rudy.  All of these things are seriously helping my anxiety and I feel ten times better than I did before I met my first father.  I'm hoping to keep these things up.  The last thing I want to do is go to meet her with huge black circles under my eyes, tired and wound-up, and lose my ability to stay present in the moment.  So with a little luck I'll be well rested, calm with an appropriate level of excitement (enough for a healthy glow, not enough to scare her off), and the mental awareness to actually enjoy what's going on and remember it.

I'm not sure if my first mother will want anything to do with me after she meets me.  According to her, it's not me.  So it doesn't matter what I do, she's not going to want anything to do with me.  She's meeting me because she feels like I deserve at least that much.  She's not a bad person at all.  But she's coming because I asked her to.  And once we met, that could very well be it.  It'd be nice if it wasn't, but I have to respect her desire to not have anything to do with me after we meet.  So if that's what she wants, that's what she'll get.  She can control our relationship in the sense that it takes two to be in a relationship of any sort.  She can't control my other relationships though.  Those are mine and mine alone.

With a little luck, next week will go well and things will fall into place.  I hope and wish and pray that it does.  Maybe I'll just borrow some of the luck from my Irish family to get through it :-)

The "Look"

I come from a different tree

My adoptive family is huge.  And nearly everyone looks alike.  Most have the same face shape, similar hair, and the same laugh.  Even I have a hard time telling my mom and her sisters apart from their laughs and I've been with the family for twenty-four years.  They are just that similar.  Most of my cousins look alike too, which means that when we get together, you'd be able to tell we're a family (with the exception of a handful of us, mainly me).

I have a group of cousins who look very much like my mom.  They have the same facial shape, use the same expressions, have the same hair, and their eyes are like carbon copies of my mom's.  It's interesting to see how genetics come into play, especially when they have a father who clearly isn't genetically related to my mom.  It's different.  Anyway, we've been spending a lot of time together lately and when that happens, things come up.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone comment on the [insert last name here] look.  It's the "look" that clues everyone in that we're a family.  Well, that they're a family anyway.  I have to wait to be introduced and then it's assumed that I take after my father.  I do, just not the father they're thinking of.

Oddly enough, it hasn't happened as often over the past few years.  I think it probably has something to do with the fact that we're growing up and don't spend as much time together as we used to.  We don't have the same amount of family fun time that we used to, plus I've been living in another state for five years.  I haven't even been home a year, but I'm reintegrating with my family and getting back into the swing of things.

Back to the family fun time that we've been having lately.  We've been together a lot in public places and meeting new people.  And new people love to comment.  And thus the "look" was brought up again.  Only this time, it didn't bother me so much.  I didn't feel like there was a knife sticking out of my back and being twisted. It didn't hurt as badly as before.  Before it had been a reminder that I was different, that I wasn't "one of them" and that I didn't have people that I looked like.  Now, I see it as a celebration of those differences and I know that had my first family been there, those people would be saying the same things about us.  What a difference it makes knowing where my own "look" comes from.

This is just another example of how reunion has allowed me to start to heal and to live a happier life.  It's certainly one with fewer questions and more awareness of self.  Yay! :-)

Hockey Tournament Mind Blown

My adoptive family is a hockey family.  My mom's family hails from Boston and if you weren't aware that Boston is a hockey town, then I'm letting you know that it is.  My uncles all played hockey growing up and all had a decent amount of skill.  All of my cousins (myself included) tied on their first ice skates once they could walk.  I remember being three and learning how to skate (and I was a "late bloomer" in our family).  Skating lessons followed for years.  I chose the figuring skating route, but most of my cousins (girls included) have chosen to play hockey.  And here's the thing.  They are all amazing at it.  My four year old cousin just got her first skating medal this month.  She's four.  A medal.  And not a participation one either.  When I say they are amazing, I mean it.

Here's another thing about my adoptive family.  My mother is one of eight siblings.  There is not one sibling who lives further than one hour away from my mother's parents.  Not one.  There are 23 first cousins.  Only one lives more than an hour away (and is planning on moving back soon).  Two of us went "away" for school and we've both moved home.  That's just how we are.  Two of my aunts are neighbors.  Not like in-the-general-area neighbors, but honest to goodness next-door-sharing-property-lines neighbors.  And my grandparents about a mile away.  And we live seven minutes up the street.  And my other cousins are 12 minutes in the other direction.  To say we're close is an understatement.

How are the two related?  Well, my cousins are amazing at hockey.  Which means that they've all been making their high schools' varsity teams since they were freshmen.  And because they live close, but in different towns, the two teams end up playing each other.  A lot.  And because it's fun to watch, the rest of the family shows up for support.  And to give them credit, my cousins are incredibly supportive of one another, even when their teams are playing each other.  I have some great photos I took at the games this season of all three boys on the ice at the same time.  How amazing!  I've watched them pond skate since they were little kids so it's not an unusual sight, just a different one as they were wearing different jerseys this time.

I've been going to a lot of the games lately because it is tournament time.  I have cousins on two different teams, plus my home town is in the same league.  So I've been cheering them on, driving an hour to the rink after work and on weekends, and screaming for hours as one team and then another would play.  Sadly, that journey has come to an end for one team, but not before they took out my hometown.  I was actually cheering against my hometown.  Weird.

So I was looking back through the pictures and reflecting on the season they had.  This particular team is losing nine seniors and will probably have to build themselves back up.  Their amazing goalie is graduating, a tough loss for the team next year.  I was looking over the bracket, amazed at how far they'd come.  I saw where they beat my hometown, where they beat another, and where they finally fell.  They were the top team going into the tournament which I knew, but never really thought about.  As a side note, the other team won the tournament.  Great talent I know!

Gee, I wonder how my team ranking coming into the tournament?  Down the list I go.  Wow, there's a lot of teams on here!  Oh look!  There's my hometown!  Only 1, 2, 3... 6 from the bottom.  Wait a minute.  Wait just one minute!  What team was that three from the bottom?  Oh.  My.  God.

My sisters' school was in the tournament.  The high school that both of my first parents graduated from.  The school that KungFuPanda is about to graduate from.  And where Sandlot plans on attending next year.  There they were.  Right there.  Lost in the preliminaries.  But still.  Could you imagine the possibilities there?  What a small world.  What if they had made it to the game against my cousins?  Stranger things have happened.  What if my sister and I had both been at that ice rink at the same time?  What if my first parents had?  They are proud alumnus after all.  Freaky.  As in twilight freaky.

Even though they were in the same tournament, it turns out that my cousins never played my sister's school.  Neither did my hometown.  But still.  I was not expecting to see them in the same bracket and it threw me for a major loop.  Our paths could have crossed.  When I was driving home from the game the other night, I probably did cross paths with my first father.  We were on the same highway at the same time, me on my way home and him on his way to work.  I'm never on that particular highway ever, so it was sort of unnerving knowing that he was probably just ten minutes behind me.  So many what ifs and possibilities.

Be Grateful! Yeah Right...

I don't think there isn't a searching or reunited adoptee out there who hasn't been told at some point or another that they should be grateful for what they have.  I hate that word.  Grateful for what?  Having two parents who decided that they didn't want to raise me?  Or having two parents who chose to raise me?  It was their decision, not mine.  Had they not raised me, someone else would have.  Should I be grateful they were good parents?  Shouldn't everyone be grateful for that?  I didn't have a choice in the matter.  I didn't pick them.  I had no say.  Just like a person raised by their biological parents had no say in the matter of being born.  It just doesn't work that way.  If I should be grateful, then so should they.  But somehow I doubt that someone who was not adopted who didn't have a horribly traumatic childhood would be told to be grateful at any point.  Because why should they be?

I consider myself to be lucky to have ended up with the family that I did.  I love them very much and I am glad that if I had to be adopted, that I was adopted by them.  But I am not grateful for being adopted.  I'm grateful to my parents for putting a roof over my head after I graduated from college so that I could put that money towards my loans (and at the end of the year towards a down-payment on a condo).  They didn't have to do that for me.  My adoption had nothing to do with it.  They would have done that for me if I was their biological daughter.  And I would have been grateful all the same.  See the difference?  It's a nuance that not everyone picks up on, but it's there.  But nothing changes the fact that I will never be grateful for being born and ending up with the family I was placed with.  Those things just happened.  That's just how it goes.

Regardless of adoption, I don't think that children should have to be grateful to their parents for bringing them into this world.  Here's my reasoning.  Most people have children because they want them.  There are people out there who do not want children (my first parents fell into that category when I was born).  Some of those children are adopted, some are raised poorly, and others are raised well.  But for the majority of people, their parents wanted to have children.  I know that out of all my cousins (who are all biologically related), only one of them (that I know of) wasn't planned on and that cousin isn't loved any differently than anybody else.  A few may have been one too many than originally planned on (there are two sets of twins), but my aunts and uncles were all trying to have kids, with the exception of one, possibly two.  So what that means is that they weren't brought into the world because it was what was best for them.  After all, until they were born they didn't really exist anyway (you can replace born with whatever you feel appropriate; I just don't feel like getting into those semantics here).  So should they feel grateful that their parents wanted children?  I don't think that's a fair thing to say.

I also think that for any child who was intentionally added to a family, either through birth or adoption, the stakes are higher.  The parents made a decision to add to their family.  They knew that would mean putting a roof over their child's head.  They knew it would mean feeding and clothing them.  They knew it would mean teaching them right from wrong and everything in between.  They knew it would be a huge responsibility.  So I don't think they should get to whine and complain about it later.  I don't think that they should get to tell their children "After all I've done for you..."  It's just not fair.

I'm not talking about being disrespectful to your parents.  And I'm not talking about not being thankful for what you have if you have a good situation.  I'm all for that.  But that's up to the person.  I can feel thankful but I would never tell someone else that they have to feel that way too.  It's just not how it all works.  So I don't think that any parent should be able to tell their children that they should be grateful for how they were raised.  Especially their adult children.  I just don't think it's right.

I don't think it's fair for my friend's mother's cousin to tell me that I should be grateful for my adoptive parents.  Who they do not know.  Because that's just how adoption is.  I automatically should be grateful.  But here's the thing.  I'm not automatically grateful.  If you want me to be grateful for you, you need to work at it.  You have to do something above and beyond.  My parents did not adopt me for my sake.  They adopted because they wanted a child.  That's the simple truth.  They are fantastic people, but they are not saviors, nor have they ever expected to be treated that way.  I was the solution to their fertility issues.  And to their credit, they've never asked me to be grateful for my adoption.  Not once.  I've been told to be grateful for other things (like the annoying itchy sweaters I was given as a gift as a small child but didn't like), but never for my own adoption.  So I do not appreciate other people telling me to be grateful.  It's unwanted and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop.

And before you assume that this post is because I don't have good adoptive parents, I'm coming to see that I'm very lucky with the parents that I have.  My parents freely gave me things, without strings.  They moved to a suburban town so that my sister and I could get a good education.  They made sacrifices for us.  Later, my mother confessed that looking back, she would do things differently because the town we moved to was a tough town to grow up in at times.  The point is, my parents made a lot of choices for me and my sister and sacrificed.  They drove further to work and worked longer hours so that my sister and I could get the best start and have the best chance to make something of ourselves.  They wanted to open as many doors as they could for us.  And they never once have told me that I "owe" them for any of it.  I'm not expected to pay them back.  I'm not expected to do anything.  I've never been spoken down to because I made a decision my parents didn't like.  And I know people (adoptive and biologically related to the parents who raised them) where this is not the case.  And I'm thankful that I have a good set of parents, but please never tell me to be grateful for them without knowing anything.

I guess my point is, telling another person to be grateful is probably not the best way to make friends.  And it's probably not going to actually make them feel grateful.

Two Week Countdown

Two weeks from now I'm going to meet my first mother.  It's a pretty amazing feeling.  I've been waiting for this moment my entire life.  I've dreamed of it for endless hours, both awake and asleep.  I've pictured meeting her in so many different ways.  I've seen her in my mind for so long and wondered what it would be like to meet her.  In two weeks, I'll find out.

When I was younger, she didn't have a face.  She had long brown hair like me, only her's was stick straight.  Her features were blurred, but I knew she had brown eyes just like me.  She was young because in my mind, she was trapped at the age at which she surrendered me.  She would forever be the twenty-one year old that put me up for adoption because she was young and poor.

Later, once I'd gotten in touch with her at 22, I'd see pictures and be amazed that I did get some things right.  She was beautiful.  She is beautiful.  She has brown hair like me and it's straight, but it wasn't as dark or as long as I'd pictured.  Her eyes are in fact brown like mine, nothing like the blue eyes of my adoptive mother or hazel of my adoptive father (though his sometimes look brown in the right light).  She wasn't the skinny free spirit I had always imagined, but instead your average body type conservative Catholic.

The biggest shock to seeing her picture was that she's not the twenty-one year old I had always pictured her to be.  She is still young compared to the parents who raised me don't get me wrong.  And she's aged very well in that I wouldn't think she was as old as she is unless you told me.  And to a certain extent, she does look like me.  I'm a pretty good mix of my first father and my first mother, but I think if you saw the three of us together (which is actually happening in two weeks!) you'd probably say that I take after him.  Then again I've never met her so maybe I take more after her.  My first father was amazed at how similar I am to my first mother and sisters.  He said he couldn't get over that I did some of the same things that she does without ever meeting her.  Apparently my first mother and I act the same way when we're nervous.  And we hold ourselves the same way.  So it's going to be interesting to see, and I'm sure it's going to be a sight to watch.  I can't wait to see what Rudy thinks.

It's funny, but I always pictured that I'd meet her in a coffee shop.  I don't drink coffee.  She doesn't either.  I drink tea, but she doesn't.  I've been thinking of all the different places we could meet realistically.  We could meet at a park or something.  This might work out very well because usually there aren't a lot of people around and we could walk which is perfect for me because I have to be moving when I'm nervous.  I'm sure we could find a decent park somewhere and meet up there.  The only downside is that we're meeting in March.  And I'm always cold.  So if the weather isn't great, then so much for that thought.  I think that's going to be my first plan and the backup will be a coffee shop maybe.  It would just have to be the right kind of place at the right time.  Because we're meeting during the week, as long as we meet in between breakfast and lunch, it shouldn't be too crowded and somewhat private.  So it might be a good setting.  We'll see.  We'll have Rudy and my first father with us so it's almost like a double date.  Weird.

Rudy suggested Starbucks and though I'm a Dunkin Donuts girl through and through, it might work out well there.  Some Starbucks have great places to sit.  Plus if I could find one near a park it would be perfect because if the weather was nice we could go for a walk outside or something.

If anyone has any suggestions feel free to sound off in the comments!

One Year Reunion Anniversary!

One year ago today I met my first father for the first time.  He was the first relative that I ever met who was biologically related to me.  It was the first time I'd ever seen someone I looked like.  I saw my features in his face and noticed my own mannerisms reflected back at me.  I saw bits and pieces of my personality in his stories.  I finally knew what people had been talking about all those years about the apple not falling far from the tree when describing family relationships.  Nobody had ever said that about me.  Clearly I was his daughter through and through.

I'll never forget that feeling.  I will never forget how overwhelming yet wonderful everything was.  I'll never forget the time that we spent together, getting to know one another, and the time that we spent laughing together.  Once I got over the initial shock (and it was a soul shaking shock), I had the best time of my life.

In the days, weeks, and then months that followed, I let the visit sink in and started to recover.  That's really the only way I can describe it.  It felt like a dream at the time, and I had to unravel everything that had happened.  I wasn't the same person I used to be anymore, and I had to get to know the new me.  I had made some huge realizations that shook me to my core.  After all of those years not knowing where my personality and quirks came from, I finally had a much better idea and it rocked me.  I was no longer ashamed of what I had considered flaws.  It took seeing those same things in another person and realizing they weren't flaws, more like quirks, to realize that maybe it was OK to like myself.  Maybe I could cut myself some slack.  For the first time ever, I started to like myself for me.  I saw who I was in the mirror, not the slightly out of reach version of myself that I thought I had to be.  I was just me.  Flaws and all.  Quirks and all.  And it felt so good.

As more time went by, things settled down.  I learned to live with this new idea of who I am and this new sense of identity.  It became a part of who I am, something that I learned over time to accept.  I'm not there 100%, but I'm getting there.  It's a journey.

We've met twice since after that first meeting a year ago today.  I even saw my first father on my birthday, a wonderful gift!  He's seen my hometown and we've laughed in the mall (which looking back was a really bad place to meet up seeing as neither one of us really likes shopping).  I will always have those memories, no matter how things are going forward.  Things may not have turned out the way I wanted them too, but that's just life for you.

As I prepare to meet my first mother, I can't help but think of all the unexpected ways my life changed after meeting my first father.  I'm more excited I think than nervous.  If this past year has been any indication, I know that the journey will be one worth taking, obstacles and all.

What a year!

I Have A Date!

My first father finally got back to me.  He did apologize for not emailing sooner.  So that was good.  He gave me two options for dates and I emailed him back asking for the first one.  He said they could meet me anywhere and that the earlier in the day the better.  Fine by me!

I took a big step for me, though I don't think he's going to get it.  I told him that it might be easier to figure things out over the phone.  I asked him to call me about a week beforehand.  Or I told him if email was easier for him he could do that as well.

No big deal right?  Well here's the thing.  The last time I spoke to my first father on the phone, he threw me under the bus and told me that he couldn't talk to me anymore and destroyed the trust that we'd been building up for just over a year.  Just like that, everything was changed.  My faith in our relationship was gone and I will possibly never fully forgive him for it.  The thought of talking to him on the phone causes ripples of anxiety down my spine and I actually tense up.  Even typing it out is hard.  But I'm going to have to face him in a few weeks.  I'm going to have to find a way to move past it.  Joy.  I'm just so happy that I will have Rudy next to me when I do it.  That's the only way I'm going to be able to face this situation....

We'll see if he calls.  He gets out of work when I'm leaving for work at this point so we'll see how that goes.  In a way it works out well because I'll have to go in to work and can't get stuck on the phone.  I've had a few tense phone conversations in the morning and I've gotten really good and brushing it off when I walk through the door at work.  So we'll see...  He may not even call.  He might just email.

It's real.  It's happening.  And ironically it's not the biggest source of stress in my life right now.  I've been deleting blog posts like crazy because I'm steaming mad about something that happened this past weekend with an issue outside of adoption.  Someone tried to inject themselves into my relationship and force my hand about where I'm going to live.  Um, not ok.  So I'm stressed to the max now about that.  This other stuff?  Just icing on the proverbial cake.  Yum.

Adoption Baggage Go Away

I decided to take a chance and emailed my first parents.  I asked them for an update in a light, fluffy way.  It's the first email I've ever written and sent to them together.  Usually I deal with them completely separately, but because they want to meet me together, I have to deal with them as a unit.  I didn't want to have to do that, but who knows?  Maybe it will work out in an unexpected way.  I have a feeling it's the best way to approach this situation and I'm going to go with my gut on this one.  The way things have been lately, I'm sort of beyond the point of obsessing.  The chips are going to fall where they may.  Though I did email them yesterday and now it's today and I haven't heard back... So maybe this won't go my way after all.

I have some stuff going on in my life outside of adoption and my adoption baggage is getting in the way.  Ugh.  Thank you so much adoption baggage for making me feel insecure and for losing sight of the things that really matter.  Thank you so much adoption baggage for making me doubt the one person I shouldn't be doubting.  And thank you so much adoption baggage for adding an extra layer to an already layered life.  I so appreciate it.

However, to give myself lots of credit, I realized (a little late I know) that my adoption baggage was playing a role that I did not want it to play.  As in it was playing a major role in the shotgun position giving me bad directions and trying to get me lost when really I'd like it to be strapped on the roof of the car.  Sometimes it's all about realizing you have a problem.  Without admitting you have a problem, you can't work to fix it.  You can't work to make things better.  I know now that it's there.  Before I was listening to the bad directions.  Now I'm not.  I'm working on it.  I won't let it steer me in a bad direction.  I'm stronger than that.  I can handle anything.  I can handle my mom being so sick.  I can handle my dad being a jerk to me.  I can handle my first parents rejecting me for a second (and possibly third time).  I can handle family problems.  I can handle long distance problems.  I can do it.  I am stronger than I realize sometimes.

I am a fighter.  I will not let this baggage get the best of me.  It's not going to happen.  I won't let it.  Can I get a "Hell yeah!"? :-)

Getting Frustrated

So over the cycle

My first mother agreed to meet me the day that I asked her.  She emailed me back within a few hours and told me that she was going to discuss it with my first father.  I emailed her back a few days later and told her I was thrilled, and that I would like to bring my boyfriend if that was OK.  I framed it as a question.  My first father emailed me a few days later, and I emailed him back right away with some specifics.  I emailed him back my normal email a few days later.  I haven't heard back from either one of them at this point.

Sigh.  I wish I could say I was surprised.  I keep going over the situation in my mind, turning it around, wondering if I did something wrong or wasn't clear enough.  Each time, I come to the same conclusion.  I ended my last email to my first mother with a question.  It was clear that it was up to her to email me back.  My first father was clear; he'd let me know.  And I can hear the crickets.

The only thing I can think of is that I told my first parents that Rudy wasn't able to come up for a visit until the end of March.  So maybe they just figure they have a lot of time to get back to me.  Who knows?  I just wish I had a date.  I have to put in for a day off.  If I had known a few days ago, it would have been easier for Rudy to get the day off.  Now, he's going to have to call in sick.  Not good.  I'm getting a new boss in one week.  I sort of need to know the date.  Ugh.

I'm going to have to email to ask.  Which makes me look pushy I know.  I didn't want to have to push.  I was hoping that we'd be able to work this thing out without all the drama.  Whoops!  I should have known...  Chances are, I'm going to get an email from one or both of them saying that they've talked about it and it just isn't a good idea.  It's happened before.  My first mother with the phone call and my first father with telling my sisters about me.  Both times they strung me along and I had to ask them about it.  Neither one of them had the courage to come out and tell me outright, I had to ask them for that information.

I'm frustrated.  I asked a question, told her to take her time thinking it over, and she responded right away.  He followed up.  Now nothing.  I feel like I want to bang my head against the wall over and over and over.  I've been patient.  I've been understanding.  I've been forgiving.  I've bent over backwards to make things work for them.  But after all that, I still don't get an answer.  I'm still left hanging, wondering what's going on.  And I'm still left in the dark, the position they put me in all those years ago.

This isn't necessarily a reunion issue.  It's a people issue.  If a friend asked me to meet up for lunch, I emailed back saying yes, and they emailed me and asked for a date, then it would only be polite for me to email them back with the answer within a reasonable amount of time.  Internet etiquette states you have three business days.  While I get there's a gray area, it's been over two weeks.  At this point, it's rude.  Adoption/reunion aside, it's common curtsy not to leave someone hanging for two weeks.  If they couldn't figure out a date, one of them should have emailed me and let me know they were having trouble.  Bah.

Though I will say this about this situation: a year ago, I'd be completely obsessing over this.  It would be the main focus of my life.  But right now, I'm not.  I think about it when I check my email and realize there's nothing new at the beginning of the day (when I'd probably get an email from my first father with his new schedule) and I wonder about it when I blog (because that's sort of the status right now), but otherwise I'm able to set it aside for the most part. It's not ruling my life the way that my reunion used to.  I'd call that progress.

Reality's Sinking In

What a week.  There's no other way to define it.  So many things are changing.  I can feel the earth shifting under my feet and I'm waiting for things to settle down so I can return to solid ground.

My upcoming face-to-face really rattled me.  I was convinced that my first mother would say no.  I thought, "Never in a million years will she agree to this."  I was so set on protecting myself that I never allowed myself to dream of a world where she would say yes.  You see, my mother is a wonderful person.  She's kind, beautiful, compassionate, and good.  I know these things because that's what she was like when we started communicating two years ago.  She was generous.  She was excited to be talking to me.  She was never perfect.  She avoided hard situations.  At times she was melodramatic (her word not mine).  She wasn't honest about me, and that hurt.  But overall, she did the best she could.  And I appreciated her for that.  I respected her.  I love her, and I always will.  She's my mother.  The other stuff?  All water under the bridge.  Then I asked for too much.  And she started to protect herself more.  I was hurt by that.  We had come to far, hadn't we?  It seemed like the secret was becoming too much for her to bear.  She withdrew, something that's normal for reunion relationships.  We had a miscommunication which then lead to her withdrawing completely.  Gone was the woman I loved who told me funny stories about her past and made me smile.  In her place was someone else, someone who didn't email me back, said hurtful things, and said goodbye with a line that could have come out of a D.isney movie.

I wrote that email asking her to meet me not expecting a reply, or at least not expecting a positive one.  I wrote it more for me, so that I could feel like I gave it every effort.  So that I could know that I'd done everything I could.  And I got a response back that I'd never imagined.  It's funny, but I shared that note with my mentor, one of four people I shared my news with outside the online community.  She's been a major supporter of me and it was important for me to get her opinion on the email.  She was surprised because "she sounds like a good person!"  After everything I had told her about the actions of my first mother, she never believed me when I would tell her that NeverTooLate is actually a wonderful person when it comes to anything other than me.  I wouldn't have communicated like that for nearly a year with a woman who wasn't wonderful.

My first father emailed me and told me that his schedule was changing.  He and NeverTooLate were going to talk about everything that day.  He'd get back to me once things settled down.  I responded right back and told him about the Rudy situation.  I haven't heard back yet.  I'm not going to lie and say I'm not nervous.  This happened before you see.  NeverTooLate did say yes to a phone call initially.  She backed down two months later when I questioned her about it.  I'm nervous that it's going to happen again.  This time, my first father is involved.  I'm hoping that he'll help the situation.  I also took the time to explain why I wanted to meet her.  I didn't do that as well with the phone call email.  I'm hoping that makes a difference.  I'll just feel better once I have a date.  If I haven't heard by next week, I'm going to email them both (I've never done that before) and ask for an update.  Fingers crossed!

To top it all off, I'm still dealing with so much from last weekend.  It's finally starting to sink in, the gravity of the situation.  Not that I didn't know it was so serious before.  It's just that I'm starting to think about the long term consequences and I'm scared about what's going to happen.  There are certain areas of my life that are going to be changed forever, because of the actions of one person.  His decision to attempt to take his life has set off a domino reaction that's going to continue for a while.  Things will never go back to the way they were before.  All we can hope for is a better and stronger future after we put in the work to clean up this giant and complicated mess.

Talk about a roller coaster!

Bringing Rudy With Me

I'm excited to bring Rudy with me when I meet my first parents.  For starters, I love hanging out with him anyway and always jump at the chance to see him during the week if we can make it work.  Long distance is hard, so it's those unexpected moments (though this is planned) that are so sweet.  The more relevant reason though is that I want him to meet my first parents too.

I've let Rudy read some of my first mother's emails, especially the ones that I needed a second opinion on.  Sometimes I'm too far into something to see it clearly, and so he's been great about offering a second opinion from an "outsider" perspective.  He's had some interesting perspectives that really helped me a lot through my reunion with her.  He had a great way of being on my side, yet guiding me back to calmer waters when I needed calming.  Rudy's also read a few of my first father's emails for the same reason.  He accidentally saw a video my first father sent me once too.  The video was on my i.Pad and he was playing around on it one day while visiting and stumbled upon it in my pictures.  It's not that I had a problem with him seeing it, it's just probably not something that I would have shared with him right at that moment.  And I think it worked out better where he just found it because he was surprised and watched without having time to think about what he was going to see.  It was pretty amazing actually.  He so clearly saw me in my first father that I could see the light bulb go off in his head.  For the first time, I think he started to really understand why it was so important to me and why I wanted to get to know this man.  So Rudy knows a little bit about both of them already.  While he's never met my first father, he does know what he looks like and sounds like.  He's seen the pictures of my first mother and first father.  And he knows the story already, even the stuff I don't share here.  He knows the history.

This is both a good and bad thing.  Rudy was very upset when SinginInTheRain ended contact back in December.  For starters, he was angry that I was hurt.  Also, he was mad because he didn't understand why my first father made the choices that he did.  He couldn't understand why someone would treat another person that way, let alone someone who had done the things that I had done to make things easier for him.  Here comes the interesting part.  I've been trying to get better about venting.  While it might make me feel better for a little while, it could affect the person I've vent to, in this situation Rudy.  Rudy wasn't involved in my relationship with SinginInTheRain.  He heard about it from my point of view.  He never talked to SinginInTheRain to find out his side of things.  So Rudy already has an established perspective on SinginInTheRain, and it's slightly negative right now.  I don't blame him one bit for this.  He'll get to form his own opinion when we all meet up.

Oh the plus side, Rudy knows how I feel about everything.  He knows me better than anyone.  He knows my cues.  He knows when I'm overwhelmed.  He knows when I need a minute.  He knows how I shut down, and he knows what that looks like.  When I met SinginInTheRain alone, it was hard because I didn't have anyone to provide a distraction.  I was so thrown when I realized just how alike me and SinginInTheRain are.  Who knows what will happen when I meet my first mother.  It will be really nice to have someone else there who knows when I need a break and can jump into the conversation.

Rudy and I have already started talking about expectations.  Rudy isn't a mind reader, though he does know me really well.  He's also a naturally shy person, but he's able to be outgoing and friendly when he needs to be. He's another person thrown into the mix, so I need to keep that in mind.  I'm just really happy that he's agreed to come with me.  I know it's going to be really awkward for him.  And I know that it's going to be strange for my first parents, who are there to see me, and not my boyfriend.  Oh well.  I'm sure it will all work itself out.  Besides, it's probably time for him to be a more active participant.

Preparation

I drink lots of tea

I'm starting to get into preparation mode for my upcoming face to face.  I slightly remember this from a year ago.  In a way, I'm glad that I had that face-to-face to sort of prepare me for this one.  I know not to expect anything because it's so unpredictable.

I know that my first mother won't be concerned really with how I look.  It doesn't matter what I wear, or how I do my hair because that's not what she's meeting me for.  That being said, because first impressions are the most lasting, I want to look nice when I meet her.  I know that I can't prepare for the emotional stuff, but if I can feel good about myself, maybe it will help a little bit, especially with my own self-esteem.

I'm going to get a new outfit.  I did that when I met my first father, and it made me happy.  I don't want to dress up too much, because that's a pain and it's not a job interview.  I don't want to show up in a sweatshirt either.  When I met SinginInTheRain, I wore nice jeans and a sweatery thing (I'm so fashion forward I know what to call everything...).  I wore my ballet flats because I knew he wasn't much taller than me and I didn't want to wear my four inch heals.  I wasn't too concerned about it because in general, guys don't judge women's clothing the way that women tend to (and I knew my first father was that type of guy... he wears white socks with black sneakers).  Knowing me, I'll probably get a nice new top, wear my nice jeans (I have a new pair of nice jeans now), and a nice pair of shoes.  I have a ton of shoes to pick from, so I'm sure I'll find something to wear.

I'm debating on getting a haircut.  I'm trying to grow out my hair and its in that annoying in-between stage.  It's not short, but it's not long either.  Also, because my hair is so curly I have to straighten it or it turns into a triangle shape that looks awful.  I could get it cut so that it looks really nice for when I meet her, but lose a few months worth of work (and I consider growing my hair out lots of work), or I can leave it the way that it is and pray that I have a good hair day.  I'm leaning towards praying for a good day.  I just really hope it doesn't rain...

I'm also finishing up a pack of Crest white strips.  It's about that time of year to use them again anyway so it's not a big deal.  I drink tea which isn't as bad as coffee, but white teeth make me happy so I'm going to finish up the pack before I meet her.  At least I'll have white teeth!

I'm taking the day off of work for when I meet her. If I meet her in the afternoon and I try to work in the morning, I'll be stressed and watching the clock the whole time to make sure I don't miss it.  I won't get anything done and I'd feel badly for my coworkers for having to deal with me.  I'm not going to want to go back to work afterward either.  I have a feeling I'll be way too worked up.  Last time I saw my first father I planned a massage afterward.  It was great because I knew I had something to look forward to after he left.  I just may do something similar this time around.

In the morning, I'll go and get my car washed.  I'm going to clean out my car on the inside this weekend anyway (it badly needs to be done) so I'll just have a nice outer shine to match the inner shine!  Anything to make me feel more prepared for the un-preparable.

Thank goodness for my running.  It's not that I needed to run to lose weight.  Running for me is more to tone up and gain some muscle weight.  However, running's been my key to sleeping lately.  I'm so tired by the time I hit my pillow I'm out like a light.  I haven't been plagued with my normal insomnia for a while now (since I started running actually) so that's been a good thing.  It's also keeping me less stressed so I'm better able to handle all these things.

I Have Options

I've been thinking a lot about options.  I'm starting to realize that I now have a lot more options than I used to.  It's just funny because my reunion has been completely stale for the last three months.  Things weren't changing and they didn't look promising for a while.  Actually, it was getting really hard to blog because I wasn't sure what to write about.  There are only so many posts you can do on general adoption every day before you start to run out of ideas.  My style is to write about my own experiences with adoption but with almost no new experiences, it was getting a little rough.  So now I've got plenty!  Hehe!

The obvious change is that I will be meeting my first mother.  This is huge.  I have always hoped that someday it would happen, and I'm thrilled that it's happening now.  I feel better than I've felt for a very long time and for the first time in a long time, I feel secure with my life in a way I haven't before.  I have a plan, I know where it is that I want to go, and I'm making steps toward that future.  Meeting my mother was one of my goals for the year.  In fact, it was the biggest goal for the year.  I just feel like this is the right time for me and who knows what could happen from here?  This could open up doors or close them.  Either way, loose ends are going to be tied up and we'll both be able to move on finally.

For the first time, I have the ability to be found.  I have several first family members on Ancestry.com.  They have the ability to find me if I make my tree public.  I currently have the tree set to private.  I was going to change the setting, but now I'm waiting to see how my meeting goes.  I'm going to make it public eventually, I just don't want to overwhelm myself.  I don't want to meet my first mother and then be found immediately afterward and thrown into another reunion without fulling processing the big one (or to be found before I meet her and to have her change her mind... that would be very bad).  I want to give myself some time to sort through anything that meeting my first mother will stir up.  If I assume that nothing is going to come out of it, then that's just naive on my part.  So while it's an option, one that I had in my back pocket if my first mother said no, I'll probably not exercise my right to make my tree public for a little while longer.  I don't want to overwhelm myself, and I know it doesn't take much to do that.

KungFuPanda also turns eighteen within the next few weeks.  Before, my hands were tied as she was a minor.  I couldn't contact her or hope to be found.  That was very hard for me.  My sister will soon be a legal adult, and therefore I have nothing holding me back from contacting her.  I still think that it's best coming from my first parents.  I'm hoping to figure some things out with them when I meet them (pinch me!).  We'll see what happens.  I'm really hoping that after meeting me, my first mother will be able to set some of her fears aside and realize that it doesn't have to be a bad thing.  This is another area where I have to be really careful not to overwhelm myself.  I have to carefully balance everything and not jump into something when I'm not prepared to deal with it.  Before I was thinking that I'd contact her this summer.  Now I'm thinking I'm going to put that plan to rest until the dust settles from meeting my first mother.  I have to do what's best for me and I'm struggling with what that might be.

I have options.  I can make changes if I want.  My hands aren't as tied as they used to be.  It's just funny to me that all of these options opened up at the same time.  I think that if things hadn't worked out with the whole meeting my first mother thing, than I'd be seriously looking into other options.  As it is, I'm going to sit back and see where this ride takes me for now.

I'm Really Going To Meet Her...

It's been a week and I'm still processing that I'm going to meet my first mother.  I always knew that someday I'd meet her, even if it meant that I'd have to show up on her doorstep.  However, this isn't a theory anymore.  This is actually happening.  Like we're going to see each other face to face for the first time.  Ever.  Because she didn't see me when I was a baby.  Wow.  Deep breath.

She wants to bring my first father.  I have mixed feelings for several reasons.  For starters, I've always kept my relationship with her and my relationship with him as separate as I could.  They are two individuals and so I've done my best to treat them that way.  NeverTooLate has come up in conversations with SinginInTheRain, and he's been mentioned in the emails that I sometimes exchange with her.  It's sort of an awkward position to be in but then again the whole situation is awkward so that's nothing new.  Meeting her with him there... well that's going to merge the two.  All three of us are going to share the same experience.  Before the other was merely mentioned, the third did not participate.  This is uncharted territory for all three of us.

My next concern is that I'm still angry with my first father from last December.  I haven't spoken to him since then, though we have emailed a bunch of times since then.  I'll admit to listening to an old voice mail from time to time when I have a hard day.  I'm working so hard on forgiving him, but I know that I'll never really be able to trust him again.  It's so hard for me at times because he really did hurt me, more than I think he realizes.  It's going to be hard for me to see him.  It's going to be hard to put a smile on my face and pretend that I'm happy he's there.  However, I'm scared of what happens if I can't pull it off.  I don't want to give my first parents any reason not to tell my sisters about me.  I'm really hoping that this is going to help speed things up a bit in that regard and I don't want them to think that I hate him.  I don't hate him.  I'm hugely disappointed and hurt.  That makes me angry.  However, I still don't hate him, though I could see people being confused by that.  I'm starting to wonder if I should talk to him on the phone beforehand...  We'll see.

Finally, I'm nervous about the two of them being there to my one person.  As my first father told me several times, if it comes down to me or her, he picks her.  Which I understand.  She's his wife and partner in life.  He's known her forever.  I've dealt with this with my adoptive parents too.  If it was between me and my adoptive mother, my adoptive father would pick my adoptive mother every time.  It's not always the nicest feeling, but it's the truth and I've learned to accept it.  I know that meeting my first mother is going to be emotional for me.  I had a hard time meeting my first father, so I'm expecting it to be a million times harder.  We have so much more history between us and we haven't spoken on the phone.  It will be the first time I will hear her voice since the day I was born.  It's going to be hard and overwhelming.  There's no getting around that.  I have no idea how I'm going to react.  I'm sure this is going to be very hard for her as well.  Only she's going to have him there with her.  She's going to have her life's partner there to hold her hand.  I can't go alone into that situation.

I've asked Rudy to come with me.  For starters, he's been with me through this whole process.  He read my first letter before I sent it.  He held me when I cried when she told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore.  He smiled and laughed with me when I told him that my first father wanted to meet me.  He's spent hours on the phone with me listening to the latest news.  He got angry for me when my first father threw me under the bus.  He was angrier than I was at the time and he helped me to see that the decision my first father made had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with him.  Rudy is my life's partner and my support.  If that isn't enough of a reason, he isn't connected to my adoption the same way that my adoptive family is and therefore won't bring those emotions into the meeting.  His concern with this meeting is because it's so important to me, his girlfriend of five and a half years.  Plus, with him there, I have someone who can distract them if I need a minute to collect myself, and I have someone there who can take a picture!

We're still working out details.  My first parents are on the same page with this and I've already gotten an email from my first father going over a few things.  I didn't think she'd let me know so fast so I assumed that by the time she figured it out we'd be past Rudy's busy season.  He's busy until the end of March and I really need him there with me.  I know I met SinginInTheRain alone, and that was the best choice at the time.  This time is different and I simply need someone else there.  I'm going to make this work.  And I'm not driving.  I'm making Rudy drive.  I'm not letting my nightmare come true!  So right now, I'm waiting for my first parents to give me a date (after Rudy's busy season) and hopefully I'll know within the next few days!  Wish me luck!