A Place To Meet?

Maybe a place similar to this?

I still don't know where I'll be meeting my first mother and father.  However, I did finally hear back from him and he's going to call me at the end of the week (I guess tomorrow or Friday... weird).  Deep breaths.  I haven't talked to him since the beginning of December.  Deep breaths.  I can do this.  Before I'd gotten an email back, I mentioned to Rudy that I hadn't heard from either one of them.  His response is exactly why I love him:

"If they don't show, I'm gonna drive down there and give them a piece of my mind!" (said with his cute angry face).

He's the best!  He's got my back in this even though I gave him the opportunity to back out.  I know it's not going to be fun for him.  I know it's probably going to be really awkward.  But even after I gave him an out, he still wants to come.  Though he did admit it's partially selfish.  He wants to meet them too because I come from them.  They are a part of my history, and should we have kids, their history as well.  He wants to meet them himself and see who these people that he's been hearing so much about are.  He's read some of the emails (and some of my responses), seen the pictures, and even seen a video but like me, he wants more.  It's actually really validating to me that I'm not the only one.

My first father said he doesn't think my first mother would "do well" in a coffee shop.  It sounded like he wanted to meet up at the reservation near my house.  As in my hometown.  I don't know if that's a good idea. It took a lot for me to invite him up to see my hometown on my birthday.  We'd met up twice before.  And the situation was a bit different.

My mom wants to meet my first mother.  She's told me so much, and asked if she could come with me way back when I first found my first mother.  I was vague, and pushed everything off because I don't want my adoptive mother there.  Too many emotions to deal with and it's way too much.  I am going to tell her that I'm meeting with my first mother because I made a promise that I would, but I have to be careful about when I do so because my mom's health is so-so.  She didn't care so much when it was my first father.  My first mother is a whole different story.  My adoptive mother cannot be there.  I can't handle it.  Even if I could, my mom's health wouldn't allow her to meet my first mother at this time.  Probably not ever.

I could justify my first father coming to my hometown.  I just can't justify my first mother.  She'd be too close.  It's too personal.  And lets not forget that I can't go there, to their hometown and where I was born.  It feels like a power imbalance.  And after things went south with my first father, I realized that I don't really feel comfortable with the idea of him knowing what my house looks like but I don't know what his looks like.  Or the fact that he's driven by my house (well I was driving but he got to see it) and I haven't had the same opportunity.

I emailed back and asked if we could meet at a different reservation that's about a half hour away from my house.  It's about 40 minutes or so from them, and it would be highly unlikely for us to run into anyone they know there, or that I know there.  There's a little loop around a pond that is less than a mile long, so we could just walk the loop for as long as we wanted.  They have picnic areas there too with places to sit and because it's still March, I don't think many people will be there on a random Monday.  We'll see how he responds to that.  The weather is supposed to be really nice on Monday, although we'll have to wait and see.  If the weather changes, we may not have a choice and might have to meet at a coffee shop.

I think it's time for me to start planning an outfit to wear...

Diving Back In

I've gotten away from my adoption related reading lately.  I ordered a bunch of books, got them, and then my reunion came crashing to a halt back in December.  I put the books away in the back of my closet, and put them out of my mind.  Lately I've found some spare time and things are going a lot better.  I think I'm ready to try another book.  I loved Lost and Found by Betty J. Lifton, so I decided to give Journey of an Adopted Self a shot.  So far I'm loving it!

I think that reading books about adoption while in the right frame of mind is a great exercise.  For me, reading Lost and Found was like a light bulb going off.  All of these complex things that I felt were right there in black and white text published in a book!  I saw my history written for me in a way that I could understand and now verbalize.  And there were things in that book that I didn't identify with either.  No two adoptees are the same though so that made a lot of sense to me too.

Reading that book helped me so much.  It was the right time for me to read it though.  I was going through my reunion and saw how things could end badly after my first mother pulled back.  The fantasy was gone and I was ready to accept the truth, rather than this idea I had built in my head about what adoption is.  I was ready to hear some of the cons.  I'd been working towards that for a while and this book was the final push to make my views more realistic.

When my reunion with my first father was going well, I read those books because it was important for me to understand what was happening in my life.  I'd read that it was nearly impossible to find a good councilor versed in adoption issues.  So it was a way to see from an outside some of the things that were going on in my head.  It helped me so much and it's hard to put into words what it felt like to realize that I was normal.  Well, normal for an adoptee ;-)

Once things fell apart, I couldn't deal with the adoption stuff anymore.  I was still posting here, but it was really hard.  I really struggled back in December.  I was depressed, started battling an eating disorder, and really struggled with the point of it all.  It was a dark time for me.  I had to put everything aside and try to move on with my life.  It wasn't easy.  In January, I made a vow to myself to get better and I started working hard at it.  I stood up for myself with my first father and decided that I was going to take control of my own life.

I made some key decisions and slowly started to pull myself out of the ditch I had found myself in.  It was one of the hardest things I've done in a while, but I got through it.  I finally feel like the bulk of that drama is behind me and I'm ready to move forward.  I'm so much happier these days and I love feeling this way.  I've gained nearly five pounds, which is huge for me.  Things aren't perfect, but they never will be.

Perhaps before I was a bit too obsessive over all this stuff.  Now, I'm at a place where my adoption stuff fits into my life as it should.  It's a major part of my life.  There's no getting away from that.  Just like being a woman is a huge part of my life, or being an engineer.  Adoption will always be a part of who I am.  I can't change that.  But I can embrace it.  That being said, I don't want it to be my whole life.  I think I'm starting to find a good balance for everything.  So I'm going to read this book and see what happens.  I'm liking it so far and I hope to have a review up soon.

Luck o' the Irish

Happy St. Patrick's Day!  If you're Irish, have a wonderful day celebrating your pride!  If you're not Irish but adopted into an Irish family (like me), have a great day celebrating your family's pride!  If you're not Irish, then have a fantastic day wishing you were Irish ;-)

I'm hoping that my proximity to real live Irish decedents will cause me to have good luck.  My mom is over 50% Irish and my dad is exactly 50% Irish.  If I was their biological kid, I'd be over 50% Irish.  And lets not forget that my sister is part Irish as well.  I'm surrounded by them.  And I might be English... Hehe!

Some luck might be nice.  I do have some major life events coming up and it's going to take a little bit of luck for them to go swimmingly.  So I need some of the luck of the Irish...  There are plenty of things that could go wrong when I meet my first mother in a little over a week, but so much that could go right too.  I'm going to focus on those things today!

Meeting my first mother could be the best thing that's ever happened.  I might see her and just know she's my mother.  I might feel connected to her in a way I've never felt before, something that non-adopted people take for granted.  Or I might not.  But with some luck, I'll at least feel something towards her.  I could see her and see all these  similarities between us.  Or maybe not.  I am a lot like my first father.  But still, he said there are some decent similarities between us, strong ones even, so perhaps that will be clear to me.  It might be really cool to see my two parents together.  I'm going to ask for a picture.  It might be the only chance I'll get.  Something could go wrong (like that time I forgot to ask for a picture when I was with my first father).  But with some luck Rudy will be able to take a nice picture.  So that could go really really well.  But most of all, I'm really hoping that my first mother and I get to connect as people.  There's something missing from the emails we shared over the past two years, even when things were good, and I'm hoping to find that at our face to face meeting.

With some luck we'll have good weather.  Nice weather as in the we can go for a walk outside somewhere kind of weather.  I don't do well sitting still.  At all.  It seems my first father doesn't do so great with that either. Actually, Rudy doesn't either.  So at least three of the four of us would feel better if we were moving as far as I can tell.  So nice weather would be appreciated.  Also, I can get a bit nervous sometimes, so it would be nice if I was able to control my nerves.  I'm working hard now to prepare.  I'm running, working on being relaxed, and preparing with Rudy.  All of these things are seriously helping my anxiety and I feel ten times better than I did before I met my first father.  I'm hoping to keep these things up.  The last thing I want to do is go to meet her with huge black circles under my eyes, tired and wound-up, and lose my ability to stay present in the moment.  So with a little luck I'll be well rested, calm with an appropriate level of excitement (enough for a healthy glow, not enough to scare her off), and the mental awareness to actually enjoy what's going on and remember it.

I'm not sure if my first mother will want anything to do with me after she meets me.  According to her, it's not me.  So it doesn't matter what I do, she's not going to want anything to do with me.  She's meeting me because she feels like I deserve at least that much.  She's not a bad person at all.  But she's coming because I asked her to.  And once we met, that could very well be it.  It'd be nice if it wasn't, but I have to respect her desire to not have anything to do with me after we meet.  So if that's what she wants, that's what she'll get.  She can control our relationship in the sense that it takes two to be in a relationship of any sort.  She can't control my other relationships though.  Those are mine and mine alone.

With a little luck, next week will go well and things will fall into place.  I hope and wish and pray that it does.  Maybe I'll just borrow some of the luck from my Irish family to get through it :-)

I Have A Date!

My first father finally got back to me.  He did apologize for not emailing sooner.  So that was good.  He gave me two options for dates and I emailed him back asking for the first one.  He said they could meet me anywhere and that the earlier in the day the better.  Fine by me!

I took a big step for me, though I don't think he's going to get it.  I told him that it might be easier to figure things out over the phone.  I asked him to call me about a week beforehand.  Or I told him if email was easier for him he could do that as well.

No big deal right?  Well here's the thing.  The last time I spoke to my first father on the phone, he threw me under the bus and told me that he couldn't talk to me anymore and destroyed the trust that we'd been building up for just over a year.  Just like that, everything was changed.  My faith in our relationship was gone and I will possibly never fully forgive him for it.  The thought of talking to him on the phone causes ripples of anxiety down my spine and I actually tense up.  Even typing it out is hard.  But I'm going to have to face him in a few weeks.  I'm going to have to find a way to move past it.  Joy.  I'm just so happy that I will have Rudy next to me when I do it.  That's the only way I'm going to be able to face this situation....

We'll see if he calls.  He gets out of work when I'm leaving for work at this point so we'll see how that goes.  In a way it works out well because I'll have to go in to work and can't get stuck on the phone.  I've had a few tense phone conversations in the morning and I've gotten really good and brushing it off when I walk through the door at work.  So we'll see...  He may not even call.  He might just email.

It's real.  It's happening.  And ironically it's not the biggest source of stress in my life right now.  I've been deleting blog posts like crazy because I'm steaming mad about something that happened this past weekend with an issue outside of adoption.  Someone tried to inject themselves into my relationship and force my hand about where I'm going to live.  Um, not ok.  So I'm stressed to the max now about that.  This other stuff?  Just icing on the proverbial cake.  Yum.

Adoption Baggage Go Away

I decided to take a chance and emailed my first parents.  I asked them for an update in a light, fluffy way.  It's the first email I've ever written and sent to them together.  Usually I deal with them completely separately, but because they want to meet me together, I have to deal with them as a unit.  I didn't want to have to do that, but who knows?  Maybe it will work out in an unexpected way.  I have a feeling it's the best way to approach this situation and I'm going to go with my gut on this one.  The way things have been lately, I'm sort of beyond the point of obsessing.  The chips are going to fall where they may.  Though I did email them yesterday and now it's today and I haven't heard back... So maybe this won't go my way after all.

I have some stuff going on in my life outside of adoption and my adoption baggage is getting in the way.  Ugh.  Thank you so much adoption baggage for making me feel insecure and for losing sight of the things that really matter.  Thank you so much adoption baggage for making me doubt the one person I shouldn't be doubting.  And thank you so much adoption baggage for adding an extra layer to an already layered life.  I so appreciate it.

However, to give myself lots of credit, I realized (a little late I know) that my adoption baggage was playing a role that I did not want it to play.  As in it was playing a major role in the shotgun position giving me bad directions and trying to get me lost when really I'd like it to be strapped on the roof of the car.  Sometimes it's all about realizing you have a problem.  Without admitting you have a problem, you can't work to fix it.  You can't work to make things better.  I know now that it's there.  Before I was listening to the bad directions.  Now I'm not.  I'm working on it.  I won't let it steer me in a bad direction.  I'm stronger than that.  I can handle anything.  I can handle my mom being so sick.  I can handle my dad being a jerk to me.  I can handle my first parents rejecting me for a second (and possibly third time).  I can handle family problems.  I can handle long distance problems.  I can do it.  I am stronger than I realize sometimes.

I am a fighter.  I will not let this baggage get the best of me.  It's not going to happen.  I won't let it.  Can I get a "Hell yeah!"? :-)

Getting Frustrated

So over the cycle

My first mother agreed to meet me the day that I asked her.  She emailed me back within a few hours and told me that she was going to discuss it with my first father.  I emailed her back a few days later and told her I was thrilled, and that I would like to bring my boyfriend if that was OK.  I framed it as a question.  My first father emailed me a few days later, and I emailed him back right away with some specifics.  I emailed him back my normal email a few days later.  I haven't heard back from either one of them at this point.

Sigh.  I wish I could say I was surprised.  I keep going over the situation in my mind, turning it around, wondering if I did something wrong or wasn't clear enough.  Each time, I come to the same conclusion.  I ended my last email to my first mother with a question.  It was clear that it was up to her to email me back.  My first father was clear; he'd let me know.  And I can hear the crickets.

The only thing I can think of is that I told my first parents that Rudy wasn't able to come up for a visit until the end of March.  So maybe they just figure they have a lot of time to get back to me.  Who knows?  I just wish I had a date.  I have to put in for a day off.  If I had known a few days ago, it would have been easier for Rudy to get the day off.  Now, he's going to have to call in sick.  Not good.  I'm getting a new boss in one week.  I sort of need to know the date.  Ugh.

I'm going to have to email to ask.  Which makes me look pushy I know.  I didn't want to have to push.  I was hoping that we'd be able to work this thing out without all the drama.  Whoops!  I should have known...  Chances are, I'm going to get an email from one or both of them saying that they've talked about it and it just isn't a good idea.  It's happened before.  My first mother with the phone call and my first father with telling my sisters about me.  Both times they strung me along and I had to ask them about it.  Neither one of them had the courage to come out and tell me outright, I had to ask them for that information.

I'm frustrated.  I asked a question, told her to take her time thinking it over, and she responded right away.  He followed up.  Now nothing.  I feel like I want to bang my head against the wall over and over and over.  I've been patient.  I've been understanding.  I've been forgiving.  I've bent over backwards to make things work for them.  But after all that, I still don't get an answer.  I'm still left hanging, wondering what's going on.  And I'm still left in the dark, the position they put me in all those years ago.

This isn't necessarily a reunion issue.  It's a people issue.  If a friend asked me to meet up for lunch, I emailed back saying yes, and they emailed me and asked for a date, then it would only be polite for me to email them back with the answer within a reasonable amount of time.  Internet etiquette states you have three business days.  While I get there's a gray area, it's been over two weeks.  At this point, it's rude.  Adoption/reunion aside, it's common curtsy not to leave someone hanging for two weeks.  If they couldn't figure out a date, one of them should have emailed me and let me know they were having trouble.  Bah.

Though I will say this about this situation: a year ago, I'd be completely obsessing over this.  It would be the main focus of my life.  But right now, I'm not.  I think about it when I check my email and realize there's nothing new at the beginning of the day (when I'd probably get an email from my first father with his new schedule) and I wonder about it when I blog (because that's sort of the status right now), but otherwise I'm able to set it aside for the most part. It's not ruling my life the way that my reunion used to.  I'd call that progress.

Bringing Rudy With Me

I'm excited to bring Rudy with me when I meet my first parents.  For starters, I love hanging out with him anyway and always jump at the chance to see him during the week if we can make it work.  Long distance is hard, so it's those unexpected moments (though this is planned) that are so sweet.  The more relevant reason though is that I want him to meet my first parents too.

I've let Rudy read some of my first mother's emails, especially the ones that I needed a second opinion on.  Sometimes I'm too far into something to see it clearly, and so he's been great about offering a second opinion from an "outsider" perspective.  He's had some interesting perspectives that really helped me a lot through my reunion with her.  He had a great way of being on my side, yet guiding me back to calmer waters when I needed calming.  Rudy's also read a few of my first father's emails for the same reason.  He accidentally saw a video my first father sent me once too.  The video was on my i.Pad and he was playing around on it one day while visiting and stumbled upon it in my pictures.  It's not that I had a problem with him seeing it, it's just probably not something that I would have shared with him right at that moment.  And I think it worked out better where he just found it because he was surprised and watched without having time to think about what he was going to see.  It was pretty amazing actually.  He so clearly saw me in my first father that I could see the light bulb go off in his head.  For the first time, I think he started to really understand why it was so important to me and why I wanted to get to know this man.  So Rudy knows a little bit about both of them already.  While he's never met my first father, he does know what he looks like and sounds like.  He's seen the pictures of my first mother and first father.  And he knows the story already, even the stuff I don't share here.  He knows the history.

This is both a good and bad thing.  Rudy was very upset when SinginInTheRain ended contact back in December.  For starters, he was angry that I was hurt.  Also, he was mad because he didn't understand why my first father made the choices that he did.  He couldn't understand why someone would treat another person that way, let alone someone who had done the things that I had done to make things easier for him.  Here comes the interesting part.  I've been trying to get better about venting.  While it might make me feel better for a little while, it could affect the person I've vent to, in this situation Rudy.  Rudy wasn't involved in my relationship with SinginInTheRain.  He heard about it from my point of view.  He never talked to SinginInTheRain to find out his side of things.  So Rudy already has an established perspective on SinginInTheRain, and it's slightly negative right now.  I don't blame him one bit for this.  He'll get to form his own opinion when we all meet up.

Oh the plus side, Rudy knows how I feel about everything.  He knows me better than anyone.  He knows my cues.  He knows when I'm overwhelmed.  He knows when I need a minute.  He knows how I shut down, and he knows what that looks like.  When I met SinginInTheRain alone, it was hard because I didn't have anyone to provide a distraction.  I was so thrown when I realized just how alike me and SinginInTheRain are.  Who knows what will happen when I meet my first mother.  It will be really nice to have someone else there who knows when I need a break and can jump into the conversation.

Rudy and I have already started talking about expectations.  Rudy isn't a mind reader, though he does know me really well.  He's also a naturally shy person, but he's able to be outgoing and friendly when he needs to be. He's another person thrown into the mix, so I need to keep that in mind.  I'm just really happy that he's agreed to come with me.  I know it's going to be really awkward for him.  And I know that it's going to be strange for my first parents, who are there to see me, and not my boyfriend.  Oh well.  I'm sure it will all work itself out.  Besides, it's probably time for him to be a more active participant.

Preparation

I drink lots of tea

I'm starting to get into preparation mode for my upcoming face to face.  I slightly remember this from a year ago.  In a way, I'm glad that I had that face-to-face to sort of prepare me for this one.  I know not to expect anything because it's so unpredictable.

I know that my first mother won't be concerned really with how I look.  It doesn't matter what I wear, or how I do my hair because that's not what she's meeting me for.  That being said, because first impressions are the most lasting, I want to look nice when I meet her.  I know that I can't prepare for the emotional stuff, but if I can feel good about myself, maybe it will help a little bit, especially with my own self-esteem.

I'm going to get a new outfit.  I did that when I met my first father, and it made me happy.  I don't want to dress up too much, because that's a pain and it's not a job interview.  I don't want to show up in a sweatshirt either.  When I met SinginInTheRain, I wore nice jeans and a sweatery thing (I'm so fashion forward I know what to call everything...).  I wore my ballet flats because I knew he wasn't much taller than me and I didn't want to wear my four inch heals.  I wasn't too concerned about it because in general, guys don't judge women's clothing the way that women tend to (and I knew my first father was that type of guy... he wears white socks with black sneakers).  Knowing me, I'll probably get a nice new top, wear my nice jeans (I have a new pair of nice jeans now), and a nice pair of shoes.  I have a ton of shoes to pick from, so I'm sure I'll find something to wear.

I'm debating on getting a haircut.  I'm trying to grow out my hair and its in that annoying in-between stage.  It's not short, but it's not long either.  Also, because my hair is so curly I have to straighten it or it turns into a triangle shape that looks awful.  I could get it cut so that it looks really nice for when I meet her, but lose a few months worth of work (and I consider growing my hair out lots of work), or I can leave it the way that it is and pray that I have a good hair day.  I'm leaning towards praying for a good day.  I just really hope it doesn't rain...

I'm also finishing up a pack of Crest white strips.  It's about that time of year to use them again anyway so it's not a big deal.  I drink tea which isn't as bad as coffee, but white teeth make me happy so I'm going to finish up the pack before I meet her.  At least I'll have white teeth!

I'm taking the day off of work for when I meet her. If I meet her in the afternoon and I try to work in the morning, I'll be stressed and watching the clock the whole time to make sure I don't miss it.  I won't get anything done and I'd feel badly for my coworkers for having to deal with me.  I'm not going to want to go back to work afterward either.  I have a feeling I'll be way too worked up.  Last time I saw my first father I planned a massage afterward.  It was great because I knew I had something to look forward to after he left.  I just may do something similar this time around.

In the morning, I'll go and get my car washed.  I'm going to clean out my car on the inside this weekend anyway (it badly needs to be done) so I'll just have a nice outer shine to match the inner shine!  Anything to make me feel more prepared for the un-preparable.

Thank goodness for my running.  It's not that I needed to run to lose weight.  Running for me is more to tone up and gain some muscle weight.  However, running's been my key to sleeping lately.  I'm so tired by the time I hit my pillow I'm out like a light.  I haven't been plagued with my normal insomnia for a while now (since I started running actually) so that's been a good thing.  It's also keeping me less stressed so I'm better able to handle all these things.

Question: Adoptee's Place In Both Families

I got a great comment from Trish, a new reader on my post I'm "That" Adoptee.  I felt it warranted it's own blog post!

I just found your blog and it was interesting that the first post I read was about something that has concerned me. My little girl is 2 years old now and we are in an open adoption situation where we have visited with the birthparents and have regular contact with them, and her birthmother's extended family as well. I really want my daughter to embrace both of her families and I think that she will have some opportunities to have that "oh you look like..." experience since we have pictures (she could be her birthmother's twin at the same age) and she will have regular contact with her biological family as she grows. Is there any advice you could give me that would help us balance her life so that she grows up feeling secure about her place in both families?

For starters, I think that you're on the right track by reading adult adoptee blogs and asking questions.  Growing up, I wish my adoptive parents had done more at times to try to understand what it meant for me to be adopted.  I love my adoptive parents and think they did a great job, except for that one thing.  So coming here and asking questions gets you a big thumbs up from me!

I wish I had an open adoption.  Mine was closed, so any advice comes from my perception of how open adoption works as an adoptee from a closed system.  However, I do think that all you can really do as an adoptive parent is to make sure that your daughter feels secure in your family.

You can't control her first family and how they treat her.  You can hope that they are going to help her feel secure in their relationship.  You can encourage the relationship and be supportive of that relationship.  You can maintain your own relationship with her first family as well, even though it might be really hard.  I used to look to my parents for cues as to how I should feel about my first family.  When I was younger, they said wonderful things about them and so therefore, I felt great about my first family.  Then as I got older, outside influences started to effect that view because I was told a different story.  When I asked my adoptive parents about my first parents when I started to question things, they didn't jump in with "Oh they were wonderful people" but rather "Well, they were young and you know they probably don't want to be found".  Even though my "relationship" with my first parents was in my head, that relationship still suffered when my adoptive parents weren't encouraging a positive thought process.  Maybe my adoptive parents wanted me to be realistic about my first parents.  Who knows?  Here's the thing.  Your daughter will have a relationship with her first family.  Fantastic!  But she's going to look to you for guidance now and then.  If you show her that you have a good relationship with them, she'll know that it's OK.  Sort of like, lead by example.

That's just my take on it.  Let her feel secure about her place in your family, which is the environment that you control.  As for her first family, if you maintain a positive relationship with them and encourage (not force) her relationship with them, then I think you're doing great.  Thanks for the great question!  You really made me think!

Any other adoptees have their own answers to give?

I've Got a Great Person In My Corner

Rudy and I have been pretty lucky lately.  We're figuring out how to make things work better in our relationship.  We're learning how to work around his busy schedule and my busy schedule and make time for each other.  We're learning how to keep the spark alive over 170 miles.  We're going to have some bumps in the road.  We've already gotten over a few major hurdles.  But overall, we're doing really well.

I'm noticing a trend.  It seems like when things are good, everything is good.  When things are bad, everything is bad.  When Rudy and I were trying to figure things out before and it wasn't going well, that's when I started to have some major problems with my reunion.  And my mom wasn't doing so great.  Now that things are better between me and Rudy, my reunion seems to have leveled out a bit and my mom's doing better.  You would think that one would be connected to another, but that's not really the case.

I have no control over my mother's health issues, nor what happened in my reunion.  I did not have control over the fact that my first father made the choices that he did based on his other daughter picking up his cell phone and looking at a text message.  Those things happened to me, not because of me.  Me and Rudy on the other hand... that I have some sort of control over.  Not that I have complete control because it's another person that I'm dealing with.  But I can control how I react and how I respond to things.  And maybe there was a little bit of "my life sucks" that was coming into play back then.  And I'm sure it will come up again.  But you know what?  We're going to weather that storm too.

I'm really lucky to have a guy in my life who is willing to wait out the storm.  He's willing to listen to me talk about my reunion, even though he doesn't get it.  He's never met SinginInTheRain, so I'm sure that's hard for him.  I wanted them to meet, but when I was going to ask my first father, he sort of "dumped" me.  So much for that idea...

I've got my fingers crossed that we have some smooth sailing up ahead.  I know there are a few clouds on the horizon, but I'll deal with it when I get there.  And I know I've got some great people behind me, supporting me, to make the best of it.

Ability and Willingness

I love comments.  Like seriously.  Because sometimes, wonderful things come out of comments.  Other times not so much, but hey, it happens.  I learn a lot from comments that are left here.  Sometimes it's another adult adoptee commenting.  I love those comments because they make me feel connection to "my people".  Other times it's first mothers, and I love those comments because I've met some kick ass first mothers who offer a great perspective.  And they make me feel less crazy and like my first mother maybe isn't the majority (which would make me sad).  And sometimes, its adoptive parents, and those comments often make me think.  I've gotten some great support from some adoptive mom's (haven't had an adoptive dad yet, but who knows?) and I've gotten some great comments.

Adoptive Mom Lavender Luz left this fantastic comment that really got me thinking on my last post responding to comments:

I have often wondered about the different circumstances surrounding placement and how they might affect the child placed. Such as babyscooped, or if the mother WANTED to parent but wasn't able to for whatever reason, or if she COULD have but wouldn't. The question of ability vs willingness -- which would be more difficult to face?

Thank you for responding to Esperanza's question. Lots to think about with adoption reform and finding a home for a child rather than a child for a home.

I am so sad that your mother has never told you she loves you. How do you fill that hole. Can you?

See?  What a great comment!  One that really got me thinking.  And when I think, I blog.  So you get this nice blog post about ability vs. willingness.  Which would be more difficult to face?  Now I've only really faced one but my story isn't really cut and dry.  There was a lot going on at the time.

Here's what happened with me.  My first parents got pregnant.  My first father didn't know, went away for training.  I was born.  My first mother decided to put me up for adoption (at this point, nobody knew about me).  My first grandparents found out about me and told my first mother she could either continue with her adoption plans or she could move out.  My first father returned home and found out about me.  A week later, my parents terminated their rights and put me up for adoption.

Sounds simple right?  Well, my maternal grandparents may not have been wealthy, but they've done very well for themselves.  They were young (in their late 40's) when I was born.  They had a house, lived comfortably, and had the resources to raise another child should they wanted to.  But they didn't.  And they had no warning. They found out about me the day after I was born.

My paternal grandmother was older.  She raised several of her grandchildren.  In her family, children stay in the family.  However, she probably wouldn't have been able to take me in.  I have an aunt who was looking into adopting a child around that time.  She could have taken me in (according to my first father).  Only my first father did not want me to stay in the family because he didn't agree with the way his nieces and nephews were being raised and didn't want his kids to be raised that way.  I guess he wanted how I was raised to be completely unknown.

Also, my first parents got engaged less than a year after my birth.  Maybe that wouldn't have happened if they had kept me.  But they did stay together.  So did they have the ability?  Probably.  My maternal grandparents could have stepped up and supported their daughter.  They could have raised me.  My paternal family could have raised me as well (and probably would have wanted to had they known about me).  My first parents could have gotten an apartment together and tried to work it out.  It would have been scary and hard, but they wouldn't be the first 21-year-old's to be in that position.  I'm not saying that's the right answer, just that they may have had the ability to raise me.

However, they ultimately didn't want to.  If they wanted to, they would have asked my first father's family for help.  They were afraid their relationship wouldn't survive the struggles of having a child.  My first father didn't have a job and was debating enlisting.  My first mother already had separated herself mentally from me and saw me as someone else's child.  They chose not to parent.

That was really hard to face.  They could have kept me but they didn't.  Everything that I've written above, the fact that it wasn't black and white, did not matter to me when I first realized that.  It didn't matter to my inner child, the one who had questioned why I was given away ever since I can remember.  It didn't matter to the person who often wondered what was wrong with me as a baby for someone to give me away.  There is no easy way to take the fact that your parents did not want to raise you.  My first parents did not move mountains to try to parent me.  That honor goes to my adoptive parents who jumped through every hoop.  But for my adoptive parents, any baby would have done the job.  That wasn't personal.  For my first parents, it was.  The two do not balance each other out.

I would have preferred for the problem to have been with ability.  That's just me though.  Maybe it's a grass is always greener thing.  I'm happy that I know the truth.  I'm glad that I know why.  But it doesn't make it hurt any less.  I would rather be able to feel badly for my first mother and be able to say, "She did everything she could to keep me" rather than "She didn't want to parent me".  Again, that's just me though.

As for the last part of the comment, I don't think there is a way to completely fill that hole.  I think I will be able to more fully heal after I meet her.  I feel like I'll be able to walk away.  I feel like I'll never fully understand her, but I'll always love her.  To me, love isn't about being loved in return.  That's the beauty of it.  I can love her without being loved back.  And loving her is a huge part of my life, and it somehow makes it better.

Sometimes It's Better Not to Share

I was asked not to talk about my reunion at home.  Actually, I was asked not to talk about "those people" around my mother.  I say asked but it really wasn't like that.  I was told.  But I'm 24 years old.  Nobody tells me what to do.  And I never promised that I wouldn't.  Before I saw my first father on my birthday, I told my mother about it.  I did make a promise to her not to keep things like that from her a while back.  I plan on keeping that promise.

However, I haven't told her about anything that's happened recently.  In an odd turn of events, my sister knows more about my reunion than my mother does.  The person who was least supportive at this point knows the most.  And her least supportiveness (ha, I made up a word!) is now the most supportive that anyone is my family is being.  Go figure.

My adoptive family has no idea what has happened with my first father.  I told my mentor about it, and her reaction was enough for me.  She was very upset that it had happened (I don't blame her) and she immediately went after both of my first parents.  She was being protective of me.  I get that.  And to her, it makes complete sense for me to cut off all contact and never look back.  She doesn't think I should even consider making contact with my sisters, even ten years down the line, because they were raised by "those people" and why would I want anything to do with them?

So I'm not talking about it in real life anymore.  I'm running scared.  I'm back in the reunion closet.  Well, it's not a reunion anymore, so I'll have to come up with another name for it.  I worked so hard to get out of that closet too.  Yet back in I go.  Though I'll admit, this time to door is open a crack.  I think my new response to people is going to be that I know my biological parents and leave it at that.  They don't need to know that my only contact with them right now is holiday emails.  Two line emails (ouch).  But I do know my biological father.  I know him.  I've met him.  I've talked to him about all sorts of stuff.  So I'll fudge it a bit and make it seem like I know her too.  And I sort of do if you can know someone through email.

I'm just learning not to share.  Because honestly?  I feel like I have to defend them.  Because they are my family.  They always will be.  They are where I come from.  I love them.  They are my parents.  I have four parents, not just two.  And I love all four of them.  So when I share my story to my friends and family and they react to defend me, I get put in this super awkward position because I feel the need to defend them, but then I'm defending people who really hurt me.  Badly.  Which sucks.  So I'm just keeping things private.  And I know it will break my mother's heart.  She never wanted me to be hurt.  She was so cautious before and wanted to be there along the way with me because she had a feeling that this would happen to me.  So she doesn't need to know.  She doesn't remember to ask me about them anymore.  The Grinch won't bring them up, ever.  Or if he did, it would just be to remind me how much he doesn't want to talk about it.  And my sister, well, it's a sore spot for us so we avoid it if we can.

So I'm here.  Not talking in real life.  With the exception of a friend or two (you know who you are...).  But I am blogging.  Because that's all I can do right now.  I can't make them change their minds.  I can't give them resources because they are so private that if I explained that I knew people they could talk to they would flip out.  I can't fix this situation without completely compromising myself. And as much as I'd like to, I just can't right now.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  It has to be.

Found Book Tour Discussion

I participated in the Found Book Tour.  I read Found by Jennifer Lauck along with other adoption bloggers and submitted several discussion questions.  I was given a list of discussion questions of which I picked three to answer here.  Others have been posting their own answers to these and other questions.  I'd love to hear what you have to say down in the comments section!

As someone who does not have living children, I felt a little dissed by the author's assertions that being a mother brings clarity that is otherwise impossible to have. Did others read this the same way? Do you agree? Disagree?

I do not have children either; however, I did not feel dissed in the least by those assertions.  I’m an adoptee who was separated from her mother immediately after birth.  My mother did not hold me.  She did not even see me.  Despite the nurses encouraging her to hold me, she refused and asked that I be taken away for fear she would change her mind about giving me up.  I know these things from her.  As an adoptee who did not know where she came from until two years ago, I can attest to feeling lost and alone.  I had a feeling like I just emerged in this world.  I was not “born” in my eyes.  I used to call myself a stork baby, someone who was just dropped on my parents’ doorstep at two months old.  I have nothing, no pictures, no stories, nothing, from the time before my life with them.  It is from this perspective that I understood that as an adoptee without children, I know nothing of that bond.  I suspect that should I have children someday, I’ll have that clarity.  I’ll understand what it is that as a baby I lost.  Do I think that having a child will change the way that I see the world?  Most defiantly.  Do I think that I can’t be a person without one?  Not at all.  Only time will tell I suppose.

Who would you suggest should read this memoir, and why?

I think that anyone connected to adoption should read this memoir.  And I don’t mean connected as in just adoptive parents, prospective adoptive parents, first parents, and adoptees.  I’m talking people who have friends who are adopted.  I’m talking about people who have nieces, nephews, grandchildren, neighbors, husbands, wives, etc. who are adopted.  I think there are a lot of misconceptions about adopted people out there, and I think this memoir challenges a lot of those misconceptions.  I also think that the author speaks with a great voice, one that should be listened to.  As a society, we accept adoption as a wonderful thing.  As a society, we tend to not listen to adult adoptees.  Their voices (my own included) are often silenced because we don’t always speak what everyone wants to hear.  Things that other people take for granted we are denied and told we cannot speak about.  We are told by people who know their biology and history that biology and history don’t matter.  People will access to their original birth certificates tells us that we shouldn’t have access to ours.  I think that memoirs like this are the key to getting others to take a step back and start listening to the voices of those who are arguably the most affected by adoption.

On pp 17-18, Jennifer talks about a baby searching for her mother after being born. How did this sensory-rich passage strike you? What thoughts did it trigger about the role you play in adoption?

I’ll admit, I cried when I read these pages and had to put the book down.  I never had that with my mother.  I was completely overwhelmed reading this and had to walk away for days before I had the courage to pick up the book again.  I could see myself as a baby looking for my mother, someone I couldn’t find and was separated from.  It broke my heart that I went through that as a child.  It made me yearn for my mother all over again.  I have yet to meet her.  Reading this just makes me want to meet her even more.  As I read this, my role was more defined for me than ever.  I was the helpless baby looking for my mother.  I was the one without a choice.  As a baby, I would have chosen my mother.  Nothing else mattered to me.  I didn’t know anything else.  I just knew her.  I knew her voice, her smell, her being.  And she was gone.  I was born and that was it.  I didn’t have a say in it.  My wants weren’t taken into consideration.  My mother could have kept me.  It would have been hard.  It would have been challenging.  But she could have made it work.  She chose not to.  It was about her.  Just like my adoptive parents adopted me for them.  It wasn’t about giving a baby a home; it was about finding a baby for their home.  My adoption wasn’t about me.  It was about everyone else.  This passage made that pretty clear to me all over again.  It helped me to realize that I do need to spend more time thinking about this and working on these issues before I have my own children.

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.

What's OK To Blog About?

Some interesting stuff has been going on in blogland.  I wanted to write about it last week, but I hesitated because of some real world drama I was dealing with regarding this blog.  But I think it's important to discuss.

The big question seems to be: what is it OK to blog about and what isn't?  I don't have an answer for this question.  I wish I did.  It's not a land of black and white.  It's a land filled with grays of every shade.  It's a minefield and nobody it seems agrees on exactly what's OK and what crosses "the line".  Because nobody really can say where that line is.

To me, adoption is very personal.  It took a lot for me to open up about, and a lot to post about it on a public blog, because this is after all a public blog.  I don't use real names, I keep things vague, and I don't post photographs of people.  The photos that I post of myself are obscured to the point where I don't think you'd know it was me if you passed me on the street (big sunglasses anyone?).  So I post publicly about a personal subject.  What's fair game?  It's something that I'm learning as time goes on.

My first parents don't know about this blog.  I've tried to be respectful of their privacy here.  I've never posted their pictures.  I don't use their names.  Most of the posts that reveal anything that's even close to a detail about this is located on a private blog.  If one of my first parent's family members found this blog, I've done everything I can to make it so that they wouldn't be able to figure it out.  I'm very careful of their privacy.  But at the same time, I know it might make them feel uncomfortable to find out I was blogging about our reunion, especially my first mother who is very very private.  Do I have a right to blog about what happened with her?

For me, I do think I can blog about it.  I've really struggled with this however.  I've questioned myself a lot about my motivations.  But while I'm not perfect and sometimes I move things over to the private site, I continue to blog.  It's my way of connecting with my larger community.  I have connected with others who are able to help me understand what she's going through better.  And I think it would be different if I used her name, if this blog was connected to me in real life, or if I was saying nasty things about her.  But I try to be positive.  I try to keep things neutral (though I know they aren't always).  I don't call her names.  I don't bash either of my first parents though sometimes I'd like to.  This happened to me.  I didn't have a say in it.  And this is about my life and how I see it.

The thing is, adoption is a part of my life.  But it's not my entire life.  So sometimes I post about other things, things that aren't 100% adoption related.  It happens.  I'm a person, I'm human, and I want at times to show my readers that "Look!  I'm a real boy!" kind of thing.  I know I have a number of non-adopted readers here.  Do you go out with your friends?  I do to!  Do you have family drama not related to adoption?  I do to!  Do you have trials in your life that aren't adoption related?  Me too!  Look!  We're more alike than you think!  I don't mean that meanly.  It's my way of trying to connect.  I hope I succeed, but I know that sometimes posts fall flat.  For that, I'm sorry.

Joy had some great advice over on Joy's Division.  Defiantly worth a read!  Also, some other lovely ladies posted similar topics last week too... Suz at Writing My Wrongs and Lorraine on FMF.  Check it out!

Decision Made About Sisters

I know, I know...

I've been thinking a lot about my sisters.  And how far I'm willing to go when it comes to them.  I've gotten a lot of advice.  There is a camp out there who thinks I should wait until they are older and then get in touch with them.  This group says that the girls are young right now (14 and 17) and that I should give them some time to grow up a bit before I come charging into their lives.  And there is another camp (slightly larger) that says I should do it now, because they are old enough, and they deserve to know about me.  So I've been listening to each side, thinking about the options, and trying to figure out what to do.

And in this process, I started to think about what it would eventually look like after they know about me.  And if they wanted anything to do with me.  And no matter how hard I try, I don't see it ending all that well.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe it could be wonderful.  But we have some major obstacles in our way.

For starters, even if they were able to get past the fact they have a sister they never knew about, I could see it being a major challenge to build a relationship with me while still living at home.  I don't have contact with our mother.  She doesn't want to meet me, she doesn't even want to talk about me with my first father, so I don't see that changing any time soon.  If my sisters wanted to discuss me with her, she wouldn't want to.  It would hurt her.  And I don't like the idea of my sisters being put in the middle.

Next up, we were raised very differently.  And I think it would be very hard for them to understand that I wasn't giving a better life, just a different one.  I know that from the outside my life at times looks perfect.  My adoptive family works very hard on appearances.  And I also know that I grew up "lucky".  I didn't have a horrible childhood.  But at the same time, who knows what my life could have been with my biological family?  And honestly, I wish I had known them growing up.  I struggle with identity, self-esteem, and relationships because of my adoption.  To a sister who only sees the world in black and white, I can see this being a problem.  I can see jealously in our future, on my part and on theirs.  It's not something that we couldn't overcome, but it would be a major challenge.

Then we have the extended family problem.  My first father does not think it would be a good idea for me to meet his family.  Now, if you know me at all, you know that doesn't mean anything to me.  If I want to get to know them, I'm going to.  So that's not the issue.  I'm an adult.  I can make my own decisions Thank You Very Much.  The issue is more that when my first father's family (and mine) finds out about me, there's going to be a lot of drama.  And my sisters are going to have to deal with all of it.  Which could cause further problems.  And on my first mother's side, we have the grandparent issue.  Because my grandparents were in a position to support her in keeping me and they didn't.  They encouraged the adoption.  But to my sisters, they were the best grandparents in the world.  So I can see that being a major problem as well when dealing with people who are very focused on seeing the world in black and white.  And I can see my sisters being defensive.  Heck, I would be too if I were in that position.

Then again, all of these assumptions could be wrong.  I could meet them, things could work themselves out, and in the end I could have a wonderful relationship with two more sisters.  We don't share a history but if we could get over that, maybe we could share a future.  However, nothing in either of my reunions went the way I had hoped for it to go.  And I honestly can't see it happening, not without my first parents cooperation.  Which I'm realizing the more time goes on, I'm not going to get.

I'm slowly getting used to the idea.  I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I'm letting it go.  It's taken a lot for me to get to this place.  But I'm working hard to grieve the loss of the fantasy and deal with my reality.  Someday they will find out about me.  And maybe we'll talk a few times, even meet a time or two.  But that's probably all that will happen.  And even that might not materialize.  So I'm moving on.  I'm accepting that this is the hand that was dealt to me.

I'm not going to "out" myself to my sisters.  I don't see the point.  I'm not really going to gain anything other than heartbreak.  And I'm not ready for more heartbreak right now.  It's going to take years before I'm in a place for that.  So thank you to everyone who has supported me in this.  It really means a lot to me.

I don't see myself as giving up, just realizing the reality of the situation and getting to a place where I'm ok with that.  It's working well for now.

Lost Daughters: Ask An Adoptee: Married First Parents

Lost Daughters: Ask An Adoptee: Married First Parents: I have often wondered how adoptees feel about learning that their first parents have married after giving them up? Would you be comfortabl...

Shaping Up

I've been working on putting together all of my emails for a while now.  I made a huge effort last winter and printed everything through February 5th.  But then I did nothing until about a month ago.  And I started to add more emails to the ever growing document.  And then I gave up for a while.  Because there were so many of them.  Then I decided to look into a blog book.  And that got me to thinking that I'd really like all the emails in a book too.  Something nice, something bound.  So I got my butt in gear and got to work.  I'm proud to say that I got the entire first year of emails from my first father put together in a document.  I even started another one for year two.  So I'm up to date.

It didn't take me long at all to update the emails with my first mother because there weren't a whole lot there since last year.  I decided to include all of the ones from her because I don't see myself getting enough post by next February to start another book.  And it would be depressing to end on a bad note.  Lately her emails have been a lot more upbeat and she's been responding to them.  So that's always a good thing.  The only bad thing was that I didn't have an electronic copy of the first or second letter/email that she sent me.  So I started to type them out.  Because I needed them to be electronic.  And then I got depressed again.  So I stopped.  And then I found a program that would turn the image into text.  So I used that and BOM!  I have everything in digital format ready to go.  Just waiting on one more email...

I can't get over the fact that I have 130 pages of emails between me and SinginInTheRain from one year of correspondence.  It feels like a lot.  When I put it into book form (9" by 6") it came out to 226 pages.  That's a lot.  But I'm glad I took the time to put it together.  It's sort of amazing thinking about it.  And I'm excited to have it all together.  Something that I can go back and reread someday.  I'm not ready to reread now.  Some time needs to go by before I'm at that stage.  But it will be really nice to have it.

I was really worried about the cost before.  Because I had seen that some of these books cost upwards of $100 and I wanted three of them (one of my emails with SinginInTheRain, one of my emails with NeverTooLate, and one of my first year of blogging) and I don't have $300 to spend on these books right now.  So here's where I started jumping up and down for joy.  My email books don't include pictures (I chose not to include them in the books because I can always make a photo book later with better color options) so that means I can print them in black and white.  And I don't need a fancy cover, just a normal one (hardcover though, I want these to last).  So guess what?  My first book (SinginInTheRain) I can get for $30!  How awesome is that?  So it's ordered.  I should have it within the next two weeks!  Yay!

So now I have a new plan.  Order lots of books.  Because I can.  And I want to.  And they are keeping my mind off of other things.

1. Emails from SinginInTheRain - ordered
2. Emails from NeverTooLate - waiting on one more email, and then I will order
3. First year of blogging - waiting until January (January 2011-December 2011)
4. Adoption story!  Need to work on this.  It will include the story of how I was adopted, some details about NeverTooLate and SinginInTheRain, why I decided to search, pictures, non-identifying information, basic family tree data, and pictures!!!

I was going to put my adoption story in with the emails from NeverTooLate. But because I have a separate book for SinginInTheRain's emails, I feel the need to keep them separate.  My adoption story belongs in it's own book.  With color.  And pictures.  And wonderful goodness.

I keep going back to that first letter.  Which is awful to reread, especially after having a heart to heart with SinginInTheRain on my birthday, and how he brought up NeverTooLate.  I guess I'm seeing her in a new light, and understanding things a lot better.  Her first letter makes a lot more sense, but it's so painful!  I'm just glad it's done and over with.

So I have a lot of work to do.  Which is great.  Because I need to be distracted.  You know from all this adoption crap lately.  I hate November...

Coming Apart

The Kitchen Sink

Wow Jenn.  That's an... interesting photo you have there.  Is that the kitchen sink?

Good eye!  It is the kitchen sink!  And it's coming apart...

My grandparent's kitchen sink was about to explode a few months ago.  Like it was coming apart faster than they could tie rags to it to hold everything together.  Even without the sink "on" water would fly everywhere to the point where they nearly had to shut off the water flow completely to the kitchen.  For my grandparents, this was not only a pain, it also became a huge problem as they wash all their dishes by hand.  Not having a kitchen sink was not an option for them and they had to get a new facet ASAP.

What does this have to do with adoption?  Good question!  It has a lot to do with adoption.  More specifically, it has a lot to do with my recent reunion.

When I was adopted, there was a little hole in the facet.  It was easily patched and everyone moved on with their lives, for a while.  I lived with my adoptive parents, who cared and raised me, and my first parents went on with their lives as if I hadn't been born (or at least they tired).  I went to school, made friends, took ballet lessons, and they got married, had other children, changed jobs, etc.  My adoptive parents got to raise a child, something they had always wanted to do, and my larger adoptive family got another member.  Things seemed to be going really well for a while.  The leak was patched.

And then I started to get older and I started to wonder about my first parents.  I wanted to know who they were, why they put me up for adoption, and where I came from.  My adoptive parents didn't have those answers, and tried to patch up my questions by adding another layer.

What if they don't want to be found?

You could ruin their lives you know.

You already have a family.  Why not be happy with them/us?

On and on it went.  The patches continued.  And we went on with our lives, but the patches weren't holding up as much.  As for me, it became pretty clear that my adoption story was being covered up by all of these obscuring pieces of cloth trying to hold the dam back.

Turning off the "water", or the fact that I was adopted, wasn't an option for me.  I've always known I was adopted, and I couldn't change that fact.  No matter how badly I wanted to, it just wasn't possible for me to make believe that I was my parents biological daughter.  I wish that I could be so many times.  But I'm not.  And I will never be.  So I have to find another solution.

Entering into reunion, was my way of starting over.  It was my way of getting a new facet.  And while not perfect (there are still a few leaks in the new facet), I feel like my identity as a person is much more solid now.  I feel as though things are going better for me to the point where I'm not afraid to turn the water on.  It's a work in progress, but I don't take a bath anymore when exploring those issues.  I still get "wet" and emotional from time to time.  I still hurt from time to time.  But overall, I'm so happy that I'm not dealing with the bad patches and the makeshift sink.  I deserve better.

PS- Happy birthday Rudy!

What Am I Supposed To Call You?

A Rose By Any Other Name...

Interesting discussion last week regarding names and what to call first parents when in reunion.  It's actually something I've had discussions about before, but I've never posted about it.  It's one of those things that is different for each reunion and subsequent relationship.  Just because something works for me and my first family doesn't mean that it's going to work for all adoptees and their first families.  It's still a good topic though.

I call my first parents by their first names.  I have a few reasons for this.  For starters, this is how I grew up.  I never knew my first father's name, but I did know my first mother's.  I think that it re-enforced that she wasn't my "mother" because my adoptive parents would rather I call her by her first name (which was odd because all the other adults in my life were Mr. or Mrs. Or Miss except her because we didn't know her last name) than for me to call her my "birthmother", which contains the word "mother".  Also, even if we did know her last name, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss are all signs of respect.  There wasn't a whole lot of respect for her at times in our home.

When I got in touch with my first mother, I wasn't sure how to handle the situation.  In my first letter, I addressed it to her using her first name.  I didn't know anything about her, so I figured I'd try to be respectful.  Using Mrs. [insert last name here] seemed too formal and I wasn't sure if she was still married.  She wrote back and signed using her first name.  So that's how I addressed her.  She called my first father by his first name so I got used to thinking of him in that way.

When I got in touch with my first father, he seemed pretty comfortable with me calling him by his first name.  We were strangers.  I wasn't going to call him "Dad" because I didn't know him.  I would have been the first to say "I have a dad already thank you!"  Then I started to get to know him.  And we started to build a father-daughter relationship.  If he asked me to call him "Dad" tomorrow, while it might feel a bit uncomfortable at first, I would.  Now I'd be the first to say "I have two dads, so deal with it."  It's taken me a long time to get to say that.  And no, the two will never be equal, never be the same.

With one, I share a family history with.  With the other, I share a biological connection.  I love both of them.  I talk to both of them.  I ask them both for advice.  I am both of their daughters.  I don't have a problem with having two dads.  I don't have a problem acknowledging that.  I don't have a problem talking about it.  It's just a bit uncomfortable at times because not everyone has caught up with the times.

I don't call my first parents by their names to make them uncomfortable.  I call them by their first names because I believe if I didn't they would be uncomfortable.  I can only imagine if I called my first mother "Mom" or any other form of the word.  She's not my mother according to her.  So I could see a freak out.  I think that my first father would eventually get comfortable with the idea, but it might be hard for him.  After all, he doesn't want anyone to know I'm his daughter.  So while I haven't asked about the whole name thing, I've asked questions along that train of thought and been slapped down every time.  As much as he cares about me, I think it would make things harder for him to balance how I honestly feel about him with the fact that he is living with this huge secret at home.  I don't want to stress him out.  I don't want to make things harder.  Things will change eventually.

I don't see a huge problem with the whole "Mom" and "Dad" thing.  My father calls my mother's parents "Mom" and "Dad".  My mother calls my father's parents "Mom" and "Dad" (or she did while my grandfather was alive).  So if they can have two sets of parents in their lives (through marriage) then I don't see how I can't.  I don't see why it needs to be a big deal.  Sometimes I think that the whole adoption thing just needs to be simplified.  Use the KISS method - keep it simple stupid!  Until then, I'll be calling them by their first names and wishing things were different.