Be Grateful! Yeah Right...

I don't think there isn't a searching or reunited adoptee out there who hasn't been told at some point or another that they should be grateful for what they have.  I hate that word.  Grateful for what?  Having two parents who decided that they didn't want to raise me?  Or having two parents who chose to raise me?  It was their decision, not mine.  Had they not raised me, someone else would have.  Should I be grateful they were good parents?  Shouldn't everyone be grateful for that?  I didn't have a choice in the matter.  I didn't pick them.  I had no say.  Just like a person raised by their biological parents had no say in the matter of being born.  It just doesn't work that way.  If I should be grateful, then so should they.  But somehow I doubt that someone who was not adopted who didn't have a horribly traumatic childhood would be told to be grateful at any point.  Because why should they be?

I consider myself to be lucky to have ended up with the family that I did.  I love them very much and I am glad that if I had to be adopted, that I was adopted by them.  But I am not grateful for being adopted.  I'm grateful to my parents for putting a roof over my head after I graduated from college so that I could put that money towards my loans (and at the end of the year towards a down-payment on a condo).  They didn't have to do that for me.  My adoption had nothing to do with it.  They would have done that for me if I was their biological daughter.  And I would have been grateful all the same.  See the difference?  It's a nuance that not everyone picks up on, but it's there.  But nothing changes the fact that I will never be grateful for being born and ending up with the family I was placed with.  Those things just happened.  That's just how it goes.

Regardless of adoption, I don't think that children should have to be grateful to their parents for bringing them into this world.  Here's my reasoning.  Most people have children because they want them.  There are people out there who do not want children (my first parents fell into that category when I was born).  Some of those children are adopted, some are raised poorly, and others are raised well.  But for the majority of people, their parents wanted to have children.  I know that out of all my cousins (who are all biologically related), only one of them (that I know of) wasn't planned on and that cousin isn't loved any differently than anybody else.  A few may have been one too many than originally planned on (there are two sets of twins), but my aunts and uncles were all trying to have kids, with the exception of one, possibly two.  So what that means is that they weren't brought into the world because it was what was best for them.  After all, until they were born they didn't really exist anyway (you can replace born with whatever you feel appropriate; I just don't feel like getting into those semantics here).  So should they feel grateful that their parents wanted children?  I don't think that's a fair thing to say.

I also think that for any child who was intentionally added to a family, either through birth or adoption, the stakes are higher.  The parents made a decision to add to their family.  They knew that would mean putting a roof over their child's head.  They knew it would mean feeding and clothing them.  They knew it would mean teaching them right from wrong and everything in between.  They knew it would be a huge responsibility.  So I don't think they should get to whine and complain about it later.  I don't think that they should get to tell their children "After all I've done for you..."  It's just not fair.

I'm not talking about being disrespectful to your parents.  And I'm not talking about not being thankful for what you have if you have a good situation.  I'm all for that.  But that's up to the person.  I can feel thankful but I would never tell someone else that they have to feel that way too.  It's just not how it all works.  So I don't think that any parent should be able to tell their children that they should be grateful for how they were raised.  Especially their adult children.  I just don't think it's right.

I don't think it's fair for my friend's mother's cousin to tell me that I should be grateful for my adoptive parents.  Who they do not know.  Because that's just how adoption is.  I automatically should be grateful.  But here's the thing.  I'm not automatically grateful.  If you want me to be grateful for you, you need to work at it.  You have to do something above and beyond.  My parents did not adopt me for my sake.  They adopted because they wanted a child.  That's the simple truth.  They are fantastic people, but they are not saviors, nor have they ever expected to be treated that way.  I was the solution to their fertility issues.  And to their credit, they've never asked me to be grateful for my adoption.  Not once.  I've been told to be grateful for other things (like the annoying itchy sweaters I was given as a gift as a small child but didn't like), but never for my own adoption.  So I do not appreciate other people telling me to be grateful.  It's unwanted and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop.

And before you assume that this post is because I don't have good adoptive parents, I'm coming to see that I'm very lucky with the parents that I have.  My parents freely gave me things, without strings.  They moved to a suburban town so that my sister and I could get a good education.  They made sacrifices for us.  Later, my mother confessed that looking back, she would do things differently because the town we moved to was a tough town to grow up in at times.  The point is, my parents made a lot of choices for me and my sister and sacrificed.  They drove further to work and worked longer hours so that my sister and I could get the best start and have the best chance to make something of ourselves.  They wanted to open as many doors as they could for us.  And they never once have told me that I "owe" them for any of it.  I'm not expected to pay them back.  I'm not expected to do anything.  I've never been spoken down to because I made a decision my parents didn't like.  And I know people (adoptive and biologically related to the parents who raised them) where this is not the case.  And I'm thankful that I have a good set of parents, but please never tell me to be grateful for them without knowing anything.

I guess my point is, telling another person to be grateful is probably not the best way to make friends.  And it's probably not going to actually make them feel grateful.

The B Word

Scarlet B

When I started to "get in touch" with my adoptee issues, it dawned on me that insults I'd been hearing my whole life (never aimed at me) actually were a slur against me and others who were not born to married parents.  I never considered myself to be illegitimate or a bastard because I never really took the time to think about what those words meant.  I never took the time to realize that those words are not just insults that are thrown around, they imply things about the person, mainly, that their parents were not married and that's a bad thing.  While I can understand that our society thinks all people should be married before having children, our world is not like that today.  Children are born out of wedlock.  Men marry men, women marry women.  There are single mothers, and single fathers.  It happens.  It's something that I learned in school.  There are many ways to have a family and not all families look alike.  So if that's the message we are trying to teach, then why does society hold on to insults like "bastard"?

I've become more aware of this slur ever since I started to hear other adoptees claim the world as their own.  It wasn't until then that I really started to think about how it applied to me and how before I could "take it back" and claim it as my own, I needed to understand what it meant and why I even had the right to claim it.  I started hearing it everywhere.  My family has used it.  My friends have used it.  Rudy even used it.  And it's on TV as one of the worst insults you can hurl at people.  It keeps cropping up.

I've always tried to be careful about what words I use.  Words can hurt.  And you never know who around you could be offended.  I have a cousin who was a bit behind in development when he was a baby.  He's fine now, all caught up, but there was a time when we weren't sure if was a bigger problem.  All of a sudden, "retard" and "retarded" as slurs started to jump out at me.  I started calling my friends on it and asked them not to use that language.  They didn’t get it (they were mostly boys).  I finally flipped out on them after one trying day and told them that my cousins could possibly be "retarded" and it was disrespectful to him, to my family, and therefore to me to make light of the challenges he might face.  They were surprised because they didn't think anyone around them had a connection.  Yet I did.  Rudy did.

I've started calling people out on the word "bastard".  When I hear that word used as a slur, I just say "ouch".  If it's someone that knows about my adoption connection, they immediately apologize because they, like me a year ago, don't understand what the word means and what it implies.  It's just something they picked up from society like "jerk" and "asshole".  If they don't know about my adoption connection, I simply state that my parents were not married when I was born, so therefore I could be considered a bastard and that language is offensive to me.  I haven't run into anyone who hasn’t apologized yet.  I'm sure that day will come though because there are some nasty people out there.

My point is, words can hurt.  I'm not perfect.  I slip up from time to time.  I say things that come out wrong, I do and say things that hurt others, and it's not something that I'm proud of.  I'm working on it.  I consider myself in general to be a work in progress.  My progress today is to educate that words matter.  So think twice please before you use the B word.  You never know who's standing behind you...

Oh and...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!!!

Should Ask Questions

These are questions that maybe I don't get asked, but should be asked.  A lot of people don't ask the important questions so I'm going to make a list and answer them.  I asked fellow adoptees what they think as well and I think it's a great list of questions.  Feel free to add your own in the comments section.

Q: How do you feel about adoption?

This question never gets asked and I think it's because nearly everyone assumes they know how adoptees feel.  I would say the majority of people assume that adoptees are thrilled about their adoption (because we should be grateful we were saved).  There is a group that assumes adoptees are unhappy about this adoption (I've had someone say "I'm sorry" when told I was adopted and I read that lots of adoptive parents get comments all the time).  I know that there are people out there who don't think they know everything (so I apologize if you belong to that tiny tiny group) but the vast majority make assumptions.  I make assumptions all the time.  Sometimes (most of the time) I assume wrong.  It happens.  Anyway, people very rarely ask this question, and I wish they would.

A: My answer is complicated.  I am neither happy, not upset.  On one hand, I have a lot of issues that come along with my adoption.  I never knew where I came from.  That messed with me as a kid.  My adoptive parents never understood me.  I grew up not looking like anyone.  And I have never met the woman who gave birth to me.  These things are something that I would never wish on anyone.  So I'm not "happy" I was adopted.  On the other hand, I do have an amazing adoptive family.  They love and support me no matter what.  And I had a different childhood growing up with them.  While I'm not like my adoptive parents, they still taught me some valuable lessons and I know that I get my moral code from them.  They are great people and I love them very much.  So I'm not upset about that.  I think for me, I feel robbed and cheated.  I am upset about the institution of adoption.  My name was taken away from me.  The identity of my first parents was hid from me and sealed away, and I was never given proper medical information.  That's just wrong!  So it's complicated.  But I'd still love to answer this question because I'm sure that some people would be surprised by the answer.

Q: How is your reunion going?  What's that been like?

I don't get asked this question a lot when I tell people I'm in reunion.  It's funny to me because those would be the FIRST questions I'd ask if I heard someone was in reunion.  I'd want to know how things were.

A: My reunion with my first father is going great.  We talk on the phone every week (mostly), we're getting to know one another, and we have met twice (and will hopefully meet up again at some point soon).  I can't imagine going back to not knowing.  I'm a different person in that before I used to fight who I was at the core of my being.  I was really upset and felt I wasn't "good enough" for my adoptive parents because I wasn't like them.  I'm not like the majority of my extended family, and it was very hard for me growing up.  Knowing someone who clearly I share a lot of personality traits with is fantastic and has helped me to accept who I am to a degree I never imagined possible.

At the same time, it can be extremely frustrating.  I get frustrated at myself for over-analyzing.  Haven't heard from him in a few days?  I must have screwed up.  Nope, his computer has a virus and he's been busy.  It has NOTHING to do with me.  Yet I freak out over it.  It can be frustrating for me because more than anything I want to not only meet my first mother, but to have some sort of relationship with her.  That's not in the cards for us as far as I can tell (now anyway) and I have to deal with that.  But it's still something that I think about from time to time, especially when particular songs come on the radio.

Q: Do you have your OBC and if not, what can I do to help?

Most people don’t know what an OBC is.  They have no clue that there are Americans who are bared from this document.  And they have no clue that they can even help.  It would be amazing if they knew what it was and knew to ask about it.  What would be even more amazing is if BCs were never sealed to begin with and this was a non-issue.  I'm a dreamer, what can I say?

A: I do not have my OBC.  I live in a tiered state (thanks Massachusetts!) and I was born in a blackout year.  So that's amazing and wonderful.  Not really.  Anyway, what you can do is write to your local representative and let them know that the practice of sealing birth certificates is WRONG.  You can let them know that you don't agree that keeping information from ADULT AMERICANS is the right thing to do.  If enough people started to educate themselves on OBC issues, I think it's pretty clear that things would change.  The majority of Americans don't know about OBCs.  I didn't a year ago and I'm someone with a ABC.  I also think that adoptive parents need to be more aware of this as well.  I think they need to be the ones to help push through new laws that give all adult adoptees full access to their birth documentation.

Q: Have you had problems without an accurate family medical history?

A: Yes.  I've had a bunch of problems with this.  I have an undiagnosed medical condition, and a huge part of that is that without a medical history, it's very hard to diagnose me.  I have some of my information now which was able to confirm some ideas and discredit a few others, but at least its something.  I've had to learn to deal with it and hopefully it won't be a huge issue in the future.

Q: What is your preferred adoption language?

A: I prefer to call the family I am genetically related to as my first family.  My language choice has changed over the years.  I was always raised to call them my "birthparents" but I dislike this term because I have a problem saying "birthfather".  He didn't give birth to me.  I don't like that.  I like natural, but I think I like first best.  Though at times I will call them my biological family because I think most people get what I'm talking about.  "First father?  What's that?" is an annoying response to get and I don't want to take the time to explain so I just say my biological father.  Saves me from using the other b word.

My other parents, the one's who raised me are my adoptive parents.  I only use this language when talking about adoption however.  They are my parents the rest of the time, no qualifiers.  I hate qualifiers, but sometimes when dealing with adoption you don't have a choice.

My new thing is to call my adoptive father my dad (he raised me) and my first father my father (he technically is the man who gave me half my DNA).  I find dad more familiar and father more clinical.  I do reserve the right to change this at any time though! :-)