Exercise Update

If you squint, this is a treadmill

I've been keeping up with my exercising and boy does it feel good!  When I started my ten week program, I felt like I was going to give it my all, but probably wouldn't manage to make it through the whole thing.  When I was honest with myself, I didn't think I was going to make it past Week 2.  I pushed through, made adjustments, and powered on.

The first few weeks were brutal.  I barely made it through my workouts.  I felt discouraged but tried to think about my goals.  I was determined not to give up.  I had told my parents, friends, and Rudy about my goal.  I posted about it here.  I didn't want to feel like a failure or let anyone down.  So I pushed on.  Around Week 4 my lungs stopped burning.  I stopped paying such strict attention to the clock.  I started to see some major benefits.

Not only did I feel stronger, but I was noticing a major difference.  Others were too and I started getting comments from those who knew what to look for.  My dancing was stronger.  My legs started to plump up.  I was handling stairs much easier.  And I started to feel better mentally too.  I started to have a better attitude, and it was something I noticed a lot.  It started to get easier to relax.  I wasn't as depressed as I had been.  Things started to fall into place.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped counting week numbers.  I have to look it up to see which week I'm on to know how long to run for.  Every week I do another set of intervals until I can run for 20 minutes straight.  I just finished Week 7 out of 10.  I'm getting there, even if I did have to add an extra week (so it's like I'm on Week 8 of 11).

I took a few days off because I didn't feel so great last week.  I had to do all my running back to back three days in a row instead of spreading it out.  I was really nervous about it because I had taken so many days off and it was a considerable jump in how long I was running (which for me is really jogging) verses how much I was walking.  I was nervous.  But I needed to run.  I was so wound up from not running for days that I felt like if I didn't run, I was going to lose my mind.  And I got on the treadmill and started.  I kept going and before I knew it, I was done.  I felt like I could have easily kept going, but I knew to stop so that I wouldn't hurt myself and I'd be alright to run the next night.  It felt great!

Before what had seemed like a crazy goal is now slowly coming into focus as a lifestyle.  It's not just something that I'm doing to prove a point, but rather something that I can do for me.  The more I run, the better I'm getting at recovering afterward.  I used to run and feel like I couldn't do anything for a long time afterward because my legs were so tired.  The other night I ran and then cleaned my entire room (which hadn't been really cleaned in weeks).  Tonight my plan is to run and go through some paperwork I've been avoiding.  I'm trying to accomplish one extra thing after I run so we'll see how that goes.  Maybe I'll start to feel more productive.

I'm taking advantage of the extra energy I have from the nerves and excitement of meeting my first mother.  If I have extra energy from this, then I'm going to use it to benefit me.  I'm not going to let it ruin my life for the next week or so.  I feel like that happened a bit before I met my first father.  I feel like I lost that time.  I'm determined not to let that happen again.  I'm going to be healthy about it this time.  And after I meet her, well, then I'll figure the rest of this stuff out.  I'll save that for after my face to face reunion with her.  Until then, I'll be running and thinking about when I'm going to run my 5K.  I'm getting closer and now I can actually feel in my heart that I can do it!  Wish me luck!

Nervous

This is where I am in my mind

I'm back to listening to my white noise of the beach.  I'm back to taking deep breaths and trying to calm myself with herbal tea.  My schedule has been awful this past week for running and I'm realizing how much I need it now.  I need to run.  It's making a much bigger difference than I realized and I can't handle this stress without it.  And what kills me is that it has nothing to do with my adoption or anything that I can control.

My adoptive family is fantastic.  They are wonderful.  They have my back.  I love them so much.  And some of them are hurting right now.  Badly.  And there's nothing I can do about it except to be there for them.  So I am.  I'm there.  I'm present.  I offer hugs when they want it.  I offer an ear if they need it.  And I back off and disappear if they need that too.  I wish I could wrap my arms around them and make the hurt go away.  I wish for that so badly.  But I can't, so instead I drive an hour to a hockey game and cheer as loudly as I can from the stands and take pictures to remind them of their glory days once we've gotten past this mess.  And I take a deep breath as life continues on.  C'est la vie.

My relationship with Rudy has evened out again.  All relationships have some ups and downs.  We needed to readjust and we did.  We wrote out a list of things that we need to work on and get better at and we're sticking to the list.  I'm really lucky to have found such a great guy who is willing to do things like that for me.  Especially when that means some sacrifices on his part.  I wish he didn't have to sacrifice as much as he does, but it happens.  We grew up two hours apart.  We call two very different places home.  We can't do anything about that.  So we must learn to deal with it and make the best decision we can, realizing that not everyone is going to be happy.  Because that's just how it is.  And other people don't get a say.  As my grandmother would say, "I'm just saying..."

I can't make everyone happy about our decision to live together in Massachusetts in the near future (as in within the next year).  I learned a long time ago that I can't live my life for other people, I can only live it for myself.  I'm tired of making decisions based on what other people think.  It's time to do what's right for me and Rudy, rather than what's right for our parents or grandparents.  It's just a stressful position to be in to feel like I have to defend our decision to live here.  It shouldn't need to be defended.  I shouldn't need to tell people the why.  Rudy and I decided.  End of story.  And the thing is, people know that my mom is sick.  They maybe don't know how sick she is, but I shouldn't have to defend the decision to spend any of her remaining time with her.  People should get it.  They should get that my mom has terminal cancer and so I don't want to move away from her.  It's stressful for me to even think about.

Deep breaths.  Calming sounds.  Warm showers with fancy soap.  Running (lots and lots of running).  I will get through this.

Preparation

I drink lots of tea

I'm starting to get into preparation mode for my upcoming face to face.  I slightly remember this from a year ago.  In a way, I'm glad that I had that face-to-face to sort of prepare me for this one.  I know not to expect anything because it's so unpredictable.

I know that my first mother won't be concerned really with how I look.  It doesn't matter what I wear, or how I do my hair because that's not what she's meeting me for.  That being said, because first impressions are the most lasting, I want to look nice when I meet her.  I know that I can't prepare for the emotional stuff, but if I can feel good about myself, maybe it will help a little bit, especially with my own self-esteem.

I'm going to get a new outfit.  I did that when I met my first father, and it made me happy.  I don't want to dress up too much, because that's a pain and it's not a job interview.  I don't want to show up in a sweatshirt either.  When I met SinginInTheRain, I wore nice jeans and a sweatery thing (I'm so fashion forward I know what to call everything...).  I wore my ballet flats because I knew he wasn't much taller than me and I didn't want to wear my four inch heals.  I wasn't too concerned about it because in general, guys don't judge women's clothing the way that women tend to (and I knew my first father was that type of guy... he wears white socks with black sneakers).  Knowing me, I'll probably get a nice new top, wear my nice jeans (I have a new pair of nice jeans now), and a nice pair of shoes.  I have a ton of shoes to pick from, so I'm sure I'll find something to wear.

I'm debating on getting a haircut.  I'm trying to grow out my hair and its in that annoying in-between stage.  It's not short, but it's not long either.  Also, because my hair is so curly I have to straighten it or it turns into a triangle shape that looks awful.  I could get it cut so that it looks really nice for when I meet her, but lose a few months worth of work (and I consider growing my hair out lots of work), or I can leave it the way that it is and pray that I have a good hair day.  I'm leaning towards praying for a good day.  I just really hope it doesn't rain...

I'm also finishing up a pack of Crest white strips.  It's about that time of year to use them again anyway so it's not a big deal.  I drink tea which isn't as bad as coffee, but white teeth make me happy so I'm going to finish up the pack before I meet her.  At least I'll have white teeth!

I'm taking the day off of work for when I meet her. If I meet her in the afternoon and I try to work in the morning, I'll be stressed and watching the clock the whole time to make sure I don't miss it.  I won't get anything done and I'd feel badly for my coworkers for having to deal with me.  I'm not going to want to go back to work afterward either.  I have a feeling I'll be way too worked up.  Last time I saw my first father I planned a massage afterward.  It was great because I knew I had something to look forward to after he left.  I just may do something similar this time around.

In the morning, I'll go and get my car washed.  I'm going to clean out my car on the inside this weekend anyway (it badly needs to be done) so I'll just have a nice outer shine to match the inner shine!  Anything to make me feel more prepared for the un-preparable.

Thank goodness for my running.  It's not that I needed to run to lose weight.  Running for me is more to tone up and gain some muscle weight.  However, running's been my key to sleeping lately.  I'm so tired by the time I hit my pillow I'm out like a light.  I haven't been plagued with my normal insomnia for a while now (since I started running actually) so that's been a good thing.  It's also keeping me less stressed so I'm better able to handle all these things.

Looking in the Mirror

The Mirror

I've been trying to pamper myself lately.  I don't always take the time to stop and think about how far I've come.  When I look in the mirror I tend to see the faults and flaws, and not the positives.  The other day I caught my reflection in the mirror and I actually stopped.  I realized that I'm too hard on myself sometimes.  It's funny, but I see myself in a completely different light than I used to.

When I used to look in the mirror, I'd only see question marks.  I didn't know where my skin tone came from or where my curly hair came from.  I had no clue who else had the same brown eyes.  I couldn't see the history that was written on my own face.  It was frustrating to have my lack of knowledge of where I came from thrown in my face.  Every.  Single.  Day.  And when I was so frustrated, I'd nitpick.  My nose is too big.  My skin likes to throw temper tantrums a lot (especially right before something where lots of pictures are going to be taken).  My hair and I have a love/hate relationship.  My face has a funny shape.  My teeth are OK thanks to braces, but they could be whiter.

I didn't see those things in the mirror the other day.  My skin is clearing up from it's most recent tantrum and is looking good again.  My hair was having a good day and was cooperating.  My teeth are looking a lot whiter thanks to some great new whitening toothpaste.  And I know that my facial structure comes from my first father and my first mother.  I've always loved my eyes, but now there's another reason why I love them.  When I met my first father, the first thing I noticed was that he has the exact same eyes as me.  It's like looking in the mirror.  What an odd feeling.  Now when I look in the mirror I see that history there.  I see my heritage and my biological family reflected in my face.  I know this is a huge reason why I want to meet my first mother, so that I can see for myself our similarities.  Pictures just don't cut it.

I've been trying to be better to myself these past few weeks.  When I was looking in the mirror, I realized that I'm a lot more put together than I used to be just a few months ago.  I'm exercising.  My anxiety levels are a lot lower.  I'm more relaxed because I'm getting out my pent up energy.  I need to work on the sleep thing, but I'm getting there.  I've been a friendly person to be around and I'm more likely to smile on my own rather than forcing it.  I'm eating right.  I'm putting on (good) weight.  Meals are no longer an epic battle.  How exhausting that was...  I'm doing things that I enjoy and spending more time with my extended family.  I have my hard days for sure and I'll always have my hard days.  But I'm managing a lot better.

It really is true.  I got some great advice about being happy.  "Fake it 'til you make it".  I never thought it would work.  But I tried.  I made myself smile more.  I faked a good mood even when I really didn't feel like it.  I forced positive energy into my life when I wanted to lie down and give up.  And suddenly, I seem to find myself happier without really trying.  The changes I've been making in my life recently are starting to pay off.  I'm trimming out the negativity and added in things that are good for me in their place.  It's working so far, and I hope to keep it up.

I like the girl in the mirror these days.  I want to keep liking her...

Patience

I just need to hit Send

I'm not the world's most patient person.  It's something that I have to work on in myself.  When I set a goal, I want to complete it yesterday.  I love the thrill of tackling something and getting it done.  But I can be a little bit lazy and not want to put in the work, or the time.  I like it when people get right back to me.  That's probably why I have a hard time waiting around for responses from people.  Like I said, I need to work on that.

I've been pretty proud of myself.  I set a goal to run a 5K in the spring.  Now, I still have a long way to go.  I started a 10 week training program which is going to take me longer than ten weeks.  However, I'm now done with Week 3 and I'm doing pretty well with the whole thing.  I'll admit to feeling like I was never going to make it this far.  I'm determined to finish this program out, even if it's a week longer right now because I couldn't handle the jump this week.  But I just need to keep reminding myself that this is about me and nobody else.  If I need to slow it down a bit, it's only going to affect me.  Running nearly a mile (not counting walking breaks) is pretty amazing.  I'll get there eventually.  And I'm sticking with it.  I'm learning to be patient.  You see, I want to run a 5K tomorrow.  I want to be in shape, yesterday.  I want to be able to throw on a pair of running shoes and get out there on the road and not feel like my lungs are going to burst.  Because I'm pretty sure that's what it would feel like if I did that today.  So I have to keep reminding myself that I need to get my lungs into shape and pump up my legs a bit before I can just go for a run without so much structure.  I'll get there.  I'm making huge strides.  My dance teacher noticed this week and commented about how I was a lot stronger than even last week.  I have more energy and I overall feel better.  I feel so much better on days when I run.  But I tend to forget that at times because it doesn't always feel like I'm progressing when I struggle to run for more than two minutes at a time.

I'm similarly impatient with myself lately.  I wrote that email to my first mother.  And then I hit "Save" rather than "Send".  It's been sitting in my draft folder for a while now.  I've even gone back to rewrite a few bits and pieces of it.  I want to have the courage to send it now and get it over with.  I'm not an indecisive person.  However, with this, I just can't seem to hit the send button and it has be wondering.  Maybe it's that I know I'll be waiting around to hear from her.  I know that it's silly, but sometimes I have to wait a week and other times a month before she gets back to me.  And that really can test my patience.  I also don't know how the whole thing is going to work with my first father.  He's been a bit MIA lately, but I don't know if he'll be even more MIA if I upset my first mother, which this email has the potential to do.  He's made it very clear to me that when it comes down to picking sides, he'll pick her's every time.  That's hard to hear, but completely true and understandable.  I haven't asked him to pick sides yet.  I've pushed at times for sure, but I've always backed down.  I don't think there's ever been a real situation where he's had to figure out how to deal with my first mother and I on a serious level, like me asking her to meet would do.  I don't want him involved at all, but I know that he's going to be.

I need to figure out if I want to send that email.  I can't have it chilling in my drafts folder, glaring at me every time I check my email.  I need to work on my patience, but I don't want to push it too much.  OK, I'm going to stop rambling right now and go stretch out for a bit.  If I can't make progress on one part of my life, at least I have other goals and things to work towards!

Being in "Adoption Shape"

I'm getting there

Every day, I take another step forward.  Some days, it feels like I'm getting nowhere.  I feel sometimes like I'm stuck on the treadmill, running but getting nowhere.  It can be a frustrating feeling at times, to wonder what the point is.  I go for a run on the treadmill and I am tired.  I'm hot because it's next to the boiler.  I'm sore because I'm still getting into shape.  Not in pain, but still a bit sore.  And everything feels the same when I go on with my life, I'm just a more tired version.

But.  There is a major but here.  I did accomplish something.  A lot actually.  For starters, I'm working towards a goal.  I'm trying to stick with it.  I'm trying to finish something.  And every time I get on that treadmill, I'm getting a little closer to my goal.  Yes, I'm sore and tired.  But that's a good thing.  Because it means that I'm making progress.  I might be running in place, but I'm still running.  I'm a little stronger every day.  I go just a bit further, run just a bit longer, and improve just a little bit.  I just need to keep at it.  Maybe one day there will come a day when I don't hurt as much, or I don't get as tired as quickly.  That would be fantastic.  But I need to put in the work now.  I need to start somewhere.  And once the weather is a bit nicer, I'll be running outside.  I'll see where I'm going and will be able to look back where I've been.

This is a lot like my adoption process.  I've been hurt.  I've been tired.  And some days I really don't want to deal with all of this.  There are days when I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.  My first mother hasn't agreed to meet me.  My siblings don't know about me (heck, nobody knows about me in my first family).  It's frustrating.  But then I take a look back and see how far I've come.  Every email, every book, every blog post... Those are my days on the treadmill.  And each one of those things helps me get a little bit stronger.  I need to put in the work now.  I'll be dealing with this my whole life.  This is one thing that won't go away no matter how much I ignore it.  So if I do the work now, I'll be in shape for the hard things on the horizon.  I'll be in better "adoption shape" for when I have children.  I'll be in better "adoption shape" for when I lose my adoptive parents.  I'll be in better "adoption shape" for dealing with relationships with people in general.  All of these things are huge triggers that I've been warned about by some fabulous people.  I can't make those things any easier.  And they're going to be hard.  There's not much I can do about that.  But I can get into good "adoption shape".  I can exercise my adopted self and hope that I'm on the right training program.

I'm very proud of me for making it this far with my exercising.  And its helping me in more ways than one.  Wish me continued luck!

Reevaluating My Goals

I was proud of this picture lol

I have a thing about goals.  I feel they need to be reevaluated every once and a while to keep them relevant.  And to hold myself accountable...  I have a problem with that.  Lately I've been noticing that I have a problem with finishing things.  I don't know if this has been going on for a while and I never noticed it, or if it's a new thing.  But as a way to keep myself on track, I'm going to do my best to reevaluate my goals at the start of each month and possibly change them if they need tweeking.  Again, I'm a work in progress.

1. Read at least one book a month - Read several in January
2. Take my cousins to the movies just because
3. Do yoga Exercise at least three times a week - Tweeking this one, adding in running to my exercise routine
4. Comment on each blog that I follow at least once a month - May have missed a few but I stepped up my commenting
5. Meet my first mother
6. Clean out my closet, including the back shelves
7. Go on an amazing vacation - Booked and half planned
8. Learn to cook three dinner dishes really well - Chicken Parm
9. Learn two new skills
10. Post several book reviews on the blog - Found was posted this month
11. Relax more
12. Be more creative with my photography - I'm getting there
13. Visit a new place I've never been to
14. Meet new people and make new friends
15. Go out on the town one night I feel like staying in
16. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
17. Pay off at least half of my loans - Getting there
18. Get an apartment - Looking into condos
19. Learn the names of the people who sit around me at work
20. Live life to the fullest

I have twenty goals and I've managed to make progress on nine of them.  I'd say that that's a pretty successful month!  This next month I'm focusing on getting back into shape.  I've started running (barely) but at least I have a schedule.  My exercise goal is to be in 5K running shape by May.  If I can do that, I'll count running as a skill.  We'll see how that one goes.

My book this month is going to be an adoption related book.  I want to post a review about it and update the resource page.  I have a bunch of books that I ordered and got, but I got sucked into the drama of my non-reunion so I put them away for now.  I think it's time to break them back out and hit the pavement again.  I don't want to take a break from this stuff because it's helping.  And it's a long term thing that I need to work on.  I have to put the work in now with this adoption crap so I'll do better tomorrow.  That's what I tell myself anyway.

Seeing as it's February (and the second anniversary of sending that first letter to my first mother), I'm going to be writing my first mother an email asking her to consider meeting me.  I've never actually asked her to meet me, so I'm going to put it out there.  I have a feeling she'll say no.  And then I'm going to have to ask again, only a bit more forcefully.  But I think it's time that I put it out there to her.  So I'm going to start working on it.  It's been two years.  It's time for us to meet.

So I'm making progress.  I still have a long way to go.  Maybe this month I'll actually get something crossed off my list.  Wish me luck!

Exercising!

Looking at my life, it's pretty clear to me that I need to make a change.  Exercise used to be a legit part of my life.  When I was a kid, I was always in a sport.  Always.  I played soccer in the fall and spring, skied in the winter, played softball in the spring, and swam in the summer.  Plus there was bike riding, running around, you name it, we did it.  And of course there was the ever present dance.  I used to dance at least three days a week, reaching the five days a week level at one point.  For hardcore dancers that's nothing, but I wasn't a hardcore dancer.  So basically I had lots of exercise.

At one point, I had to learn how to run for soccer.  They used to make us run about three miles during practice a few days a week.  Good conditioning they would tell us.  For me it was a bit pointless because I was the goalie who never really had to run anywhere.  But at least I could run there fast!  Then eventually I gave up soccer (it got way to competitive and I didn't like my teammates), gave up softball because I never really liked it, and wasn't as active during the summer because I had jobs.  Then after high school I stopped dancing.  I tried to get back into it after a year but it just didn't work out.  I think the thing was that all my activities ended slowly so I didn't realize that I'd eliminated most exercise from my daily routine until it was a huge problem.

Two years ago I decided to make a change.  It was right around the time of my first reunion and I knew that something had to give.  I wasn't sleeping, and I was constantly on edge.  My stress level was through the roof and I couldn't handle my life.  I found my first mother and while that helped a little bit, I was sent into the spinning vortex that is reunion.  And I had a lot of free time on my hands.  So I got a Wii Fit.  And I started working out everyday.  And then I started to feel better about myself.  I didn't think I could get in shape using a Wii Fit but it was perfect for me and what I was trying to do.  I actually noticed a difference.  And then the summer hit and I gave it up until I could go back to school.  When I went back, I had a job.  Between my nearly full time job and more than full time graduate program, I didn't have time to sleep, let alone exercise.  So out of shape I fell again.

Now that I'm just working full time (no more school!) I've been trying to think of ways to be more healthy.  I tried the Yoga thing and did OK with it, but it wasn't enough exercise for me to get all my pent up energy out.  I'm taking a dance class which is really intense (an hour of tap dancing - trust me it's not easy!) but that's only one day a week, and it's not enough.

So I decided that I'm going to start running.  Before this turns into yet another thing I start but don't finish, I did my homework.  I figured out the best way to start training (running for 30 seconds to a minute, and then walking for two minutes for about a half hour).  If I run three days a week (totally doable with our treadmill in the basement) I think I can be in decent running shape in about three weeks, as in I should be able to run for about ten minutes.  Once I get to that point, I can start working towards my new goal, to run a 5K.  There's a 5K in May that I have my eye set on.  It's two towns over and the registration fee isn't bad at all.  I think I can do it.  I'm going to give it my best shot anyway.

I'm hoping that running will become fun the way that it used to be.  It's not fun for me when I start out.  I don't like trying to get into shape.  But once I'm there, it becomes so much fun that I look forward to it.  Or so I remember.  So I want to get to that point.  I'm going to give it my best effort.  We'll see how this one goes...