Diving Back In

I've gotten away from my adoption related reading lately.  I ordered a bunch of books, got them, and then my reunion came crashing to a halt back in December.  I put the books away in the back of my closet, and put them out of my mind.  Lately I've found some spare time and things are going a lot better.  I think I'm ready to try another book.  I loved Lost and Found by Betty J. Lifton, so I decided to give Journey of an Adopted Self a shot.  So far I'm loving it!

I think that reading books about adoption while in the right frame of mind is a great exercise.  For me, reading Lost and Found was like a light bulb going off.  All of these complex things that I felt were right there in black and white text published in a book!  I saw my history written for me in a way that I could understand and now verbalize.  And there were things in that book that I didn't identify with either.  No two adoptees are the same though so that made a lot of sense to me too.

Reading that book helped me so much.  It was the right time for me to read it though.  I was going through my reunion and saw how things could end badly after my first mother pulled back.  The fantasy was gone and I was ready to accept the truth, rather than this idea I had built in my head about what adoption is.  I was ready to hear some of the cons.  I'd been working towards that for a while and this book was the final push to make my views more realistic.

When my reunion with my first father was going well, I read those books because it was important for me to understand what was happening in my life.  I'd read that it was nearly impossible to find a good councilor versed in adoption issues.  So it was a way to see from an outside some of the things that were going on in my head.  It helped me so much and it's hard to put into words what it felt like to realize that I was normal.  Well, normal for an adoptee ;-)

Once things fell apart, I couldn't deal with the adoption stuff anymore.  I was still posting here, but it was really hard.  I really struggled back in December.  I was depressed, started battling an eating disorder, and really struggled with the point of it all.  It was a dark time for me.  I had to put everything aside and try to move on with my life.  It wasn't easy.  In January, I made a vow to myself to get better and I started working hard at it.  I stood up for myself with my first father and decided that I was going to take control of my own life.

I made some key decisions and slowly started to pull myself out of the ditch I had found myself in.  It was one of the hardest things I've done in a while, but I got through it.  I finally feel like the bulk of that drama is behind me and I'm ready to move forward.  I'm so much happier these days and I love feeling this way.  I've gained nearly five pounds, which is huge for me.  Things aren't perfect, but they never will be.

Perhaps before I was a bit too obsessive over all this stuff.  Now, I'm at a place where my adoption stuff fits into my life as it should.  It's a major part of my life.  There's no getting away from that.  Just like being a woman is a huge part of my life, or being an engineer.  Adoption will always be a part of who I am.  I can't change that.  But I can embrace it.  That being said, I don't want it to be my whole life.  I think I'm starting to find a good balance for everything.  So I'm going to read this book and see what happens.  I'm liking it so far and I hope to have a review up soon.

Future Worth Fighting For

It's taken me a few days to write about it, but this weekend was really really hard.  A person that I'm very close to decided that life wasn't worth living anymore.  I saw him mere hours before he tried to end it all.  He's still alive thanks to some quick thinking by a relative and a responsive paramedic team.  We have to wait and see how this all plays out over the next few days.  If you're a praying type of person, his family could really use the prayers.

I'm struggling to comprehend how it got to that point.  I knew things weren't going so well for him, but lately it seemed like things were going a lot better.  I saw him that day.  I can't get it out of my head.  I knew that something was wrong.  I knew it wasn't right, and I left.  I didn't want to embarrass him and I knew that his wife and children were home.

I've been trying to accept that there was nothing that I could have done.  I gave him a hug.  I told him I loved him.  And I left.  There was no way to know what he was going to do.  And he wasn't alone.  It was in no way my fault, but I still replay those moments over and over again.  I wasn't paying attention the way that I normally do.  I realized later that it wouldn't have made a difference even if I had.

It's made me realize how lucky I am.  Life isn't always easy, but I have hope for the future.  I can think of about ten things that he has to look forward to, but clearly he couldn't in that moment.  That's a sad thing.  I'm hoping that in time he comes to see how much he does have to look forward to, and that he fights for it.  I'm so thankful to have a future worth fighting for.

Here's a list as a reminder to myself of all the things that I have to look forward to:

1. Meeting my first family: With each new person I meet, there's so many new possibilities.  I'm sure that I won't get along with some, some relationships just won't pan out, and it's all going to be hard.  However, there's a good chance that some of those new relationships might work out.  And with each new connection, I learn more about myself and the person that I want to be.
2. Maintaining good friendship: I have a lot of friends out there.  I think of all the fun times that we've had, and I think about all the things we're going to do in the future.  I can't wait to share more nights that we'll never forever.
3. Restoring rights to adoptees: We're getting there.  With each state that opens records, we're getting closer.  No matter how small, I'm doing my part, including traveling to Chicago this summer.  I tell myself that blogging my story helps too, in the sense that maybe it's helping dismiss some of the stereotypes.  Maybe it does.  Anyway, this is something that I can continue to fight for and a legacy to leave behind for other adoptees.
4. All those question marks:  I don't know where my life is going to take me.  Who knows?  I'd like to end up in a nice house with a few kids, and live out my dreams.  I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm excited to have the future wide open ahead of me.  I can't wait to find out!

I'm going to try to live my life the way that it should be lived.  I'm going to fight for all my new beginnings and wonderful stories.  I believe in angels and I know that I have a few watching over me.  I don't want to give them a bad show...

My Take on the Top Five Regrets

Looking At Life

There's a fantastic article floating around on the web about the top five regrets of the dying.  I've read it a few times, and I've seen it posted on Facebook a few times.  It was featured on Lifehacker (my favorite blog for everyday random stuff).  I've been thinking a lot about these top five regrets.  I figured I'd tackle them one by one.

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard. 
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. 
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Sometimes when things like this come around, its helpful to use them as a mirror to life as its currently being lived.  I look at my life through this lens and try to see how I'm holding up verses the life that I want to be living.  I don't think that anyone wants to have these regrets at the end of their lives.  How am I doing with all of this?  I'm only twenty-four years old, but as I've learned the past year, we aren't guaranteed any time here.  I'm learning to live in the moment and not take life for granted.

I certainly have a ways to go with the first one.  I'm learning slowly how to live my authentic life, the life that I want to lead.  My town has a certain reputation and there was a lot of pressure on me to succeed in that environment.  I'll never forget that in eighth grade the guidance councilors from the public high school came to talk to us.  We were told that if we weren't planning on going to college then we should find another high school to go to.  I do think that college was the best choice for me, but I didn't really make that choice for myself.  I was told what to do and I did it.  My current job was the next step.  I like it, don't get me wrong.  But sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't have been better doing something else.

I'm a hard worker.  I go at things 110%.  There is no middle ground for me.  Right now it's not interfering with living my life.  I don't have a lot of commitments so my job doesn't get in the way.  I'm sure that's going to change in the future and I'll have to adjust.

The first step for number three is blogging here.  I'm learning to express what I feel and put complicated ideas into words.  I'm learning how to see things for how they really are and how to be accepting of that.  I can't change the past or undo my adoption or what happened with my first parents.  What I can do is learn to forgive them and heal from the most recent fresh batch of wounds.  I'll always have scars, but a scar is still a lot better than an open festering wound.

Number four is a huge problem for me.  My friends are all over.  I have friends in other continents and other states.  It's challenging to keep in tough with everybody and it's something that I struggle with.  It sounds awful but thank goodness for Facebook.  I'd be even more out of touch without it.

I'm trying so hard to let myself be a happy person.  I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to that.  It's funny because you'd think that I'd want to be happy.  And I do, don't get me wrong.  Somehow though I can't help but feel like I get in my own way.  I'm working on it and lately I seem to be doing a little better with everything.

Something's Not Right

Add sweatpants and boots
and this is what I'm talking about

I was dealing with some serious family drama this week.  Seriously.  So I'm going to write about it because it will make me feel better.  It always does.

I'm pretty sure that my adoptive father has OCD.  Naturally I'm not a professional so maybe it's something else.  But there's something not right going on.  My dad has always been clean.  But lately it's been kicked up to a whole new level of insanity, ever since my mom got sick.  Before, he'd deal with the mess.  My mom isn't the most organized person and there were times when we'd have stacks of paper in the kitchen, the laundry would be piled up, and don't even get my started on the guest bedroom (the door was always shut that's how bad it was).  However, my mom no longer handles the bills (so no more stacks of paper), the laundry gets put away the same day its done (it's a good system), and my dad has cleaned out the guest bedroom.  She used to do her arts and crafts in there and she can't do those things anymore so there's no chance for her to mess it up again.

My dad has gone through each and every room in the house.  In each room, he's dusted every item.  He's vacuumed twice.  He's scrubbed the floor with a new favorite cleaning product.  He's moved around the furniture and gone so far as to buy new (cleaner) furniture for almost each room.  All the windows have been scrubbed.  He dusted every fan, as well as polished the wood on the beams in the room with the cathedral ceiling.  Spare sheets have been washed.  Everything is neat and organized.  He's got the basement left.  That's it.  The rest of the house (including my bedroom) he's already cleaned.  It's weird.  It's like he HAS to do it.  He's also manicured the lawn outside to the point where if it's not raining, he's usually in the yard.  That outlet is gone now that the winter is here.

I honestly didn't think much of it.  I knew it was an escape for him, and I figured that if it made him happy, then he should just do it.  Beside, what's wrong with a clean house?  It didn't bother me, it certainly didn't bother my mother, and whatever, we move on.  And then this week happened.

I made a mess in the basement.  I own up to that 100%.  I forgot to fold a blanket I was using and I left a jacket down there.  I had moved some furniture so I could do my yoga and hadn't moved it back because I've been doing yoga everyday.  I figured it's the basement and I'm really the only one who's been going down there.  And I left a food wrapper.  Which really wasn't good.  My bad.

Not only was I yelled at for a good ten minutes, but Rudy (who had nothing to do with the mess) was brought into it.  Then he went after my bedroom.  Apparently two sweatpants and a pair of boots constitutes a pig sty and I needed to grow up and keep my room clean.  To which my response was, it's my room and if it bothers you, don't go in there.  Apparently that's the wrong thing to say.  This is why I seriously think he's got some sort of mental disorder.  A normal rational person would not have flipped out on me the way that he did.  He even followed me to my room later in the night to yell at me some more.  He couldn't handle the things on the floor.  My room is super neat and clean right now.  Two sweatpants and a pair of boots (that my sister had borrowed and returned after I left for work and therefore I had no knowledge of) were enough to set him off.

I'm one of the cleanest people I know.  The sweatpants and boots were not hurting anyone.  They did not impose on anyone's safety.  They weren't affecting the rest of the family in anyway.  The reason my door was open was because I don't have heat in my room and it's freezing in there if I keep the door shut.  I wish I was joking.

I was told that my room isn't really mine.  That it's his house and therefore I need to abide by his rules.  And that means nothing on the floor (keep in mind that these items were far from the door and therefore nothing my mother could have tripped on -- that I could have understood). I was told that I don't have the right to any privacy in the house because it's a family house and therefore we share things as a family.

This whole living at home thing at 24 is new to me.  I'd rather be in an apartment on my own.  I've gone to look at apartments.  But I owed upwards of $80,000 in student loans.  I'd like to pay some of them off before I have to pay serious rent.  I've got it down to $70,000 after working my butt off this summer and I hope to have it down to $65,000 by the new year.  I'm determined.  I do know that after five years of having my own space, I need one room in the house to call my own.

I'm asking my dad for an agreement between us (written).  I'll pay him $300 a month (what he keeps telling everyone I should be paying him to live at home) and in return for that he 1) does not enter my room without my permission 2) does not comment on the status of my room unless it affects someone else in the house with the door closed and 3) I get the cable I've been asking for for six months.  I think that's fair.  In case that doesn't work out, I've been looking at apartments but I'll have to pay at least $1000 a month in rent, and while that's not super bad, I don't really have that money right now to furnish an apartment and I'd like to stay at home to help with my mom.

This is my life.  I need a vacation from the hell hole that I'm living in.  Is it December 9th yet?

Guest Post By A First Mother: birthmomtalks

Today's post is from a Guest Blogger, birthmomtalks. I'm a huge fan of her blog and I'm so happy to feature a post by one of my favorite first mom writers!

A little introduction about myself.

I became pregnant at 14 and the father of the baby basically either didn't believe me, was in denial or just plain wasn't around anymore to escape the reality that he helped create life and the Mother also happened to be a miner. I was forced my Mom to place my daughter for adoption. I met and agreed that the couple my Aunt knew could adopt my daughter. It seemed like the lesser of two evils to have someone that family knew compared to complete strangers. My age and lack of knowing anything about adoption was used against me when it came to knowing my rights and my daughter went home with her parents at the age of one day old.
Shortly, after my daughter turned 18 years of age, I found her on a social network site. Halloween will mark the one year anniversary of meeting my daughter face to face for the first time since we parted after she was 24 hours old. I am grateful for the moments I have with my daughter and our communications here and there but I will never be Mom and that is hard pill to swallow. Also, I will never know my daughter like I know my sons that I have raised.

What I have learned from adult adoptees?

I think the biggest thing that I have learned from adult adoptees through blogging is that not ONE adoptee is the same. Some may have similar stories of their beginning of life and how they became to be adopted but just cause one person feels one way doesn't mean that others will feel the same way. However, I have come to think of a couple grown adoptees as friends through reading each other's blogs. They and many other adoptees have given me insight from their side of things and also have reminded me of how some of my daughter's interactions with me can be about her age too. It makes me feel good when they instant message me because of how they feel sad when it comes to something about adoption and/or reunion. Sometimes, they contact me to catch up on how things are doing with the reunion is going with my daughter. I am grateful that blogging my story has connected me to people that I never other wise would have came in contact with.

A little about what has helped me heal a little more through the last few years.

Counseling thru an Adoption Agency has helped quite a bit. I didn't place thru there so I felt like they had nothing to gain from helping me or not helping me. I didn't pay for it. Before counseling, I was not only missing my daughter but I had been feeling very alone. I felt like I was living a double life and was angry at my family for always sweeping my daughter on the rug. I have become stronger and just willing to accept that some of them are just not going to change. I now know that it's not about me or my daughter. It's about them and possible about their guilt. I have been able to accept that the majority of people just don't understand the loss and pain that I have suffered and it's okay. Before counseling I thought only in black and white. I thought mostly negative thoughts about my daughter's parents but during counseling I was able to see that in a lot of ways that they were not all that different than me. I have my own fears and insecurities in life and they have their own fears and insecurities. What I have come to learn that we both are driven by the love that we all have for our daughter. During counseling, I came to see how they treated me has a lot to do with the times. It was what was normal and they are only as good as the education and training they received when they were going the adoption process.

Another major rule in finding healing and acceptance in my role as a birthmother in my life journey has been blogging. It has given me a voice to share my truths about the loss of a child due to adoption. I mentioned above about having been brought together by grown adoptees thru blogging and it's the same with prospective and adoptive couples. I have learned more about the struggles couples go thru leading up to adoption and the roadblocks they must hurdle to be able to adopt. I have read their words of love of gushing over their new babies and my heart has been pulled in many directions. Mostly, I feel for the birthmothers can I can relate to their pain the most. However, I do see the happiness that has been brought to the adoptive couples and the love that they gush on and on has let me see that adoptive parents can and most do love their children just as much as I love mine. I really like it when I see adoptive parents understanding that adoption doesn't just create families that first families are broke part. I hope that when they can accept that part of adoption that they can honor their children's birthparents but more so honor and respect their children's beginnings in life. Because in adoption the adoptees are truly the only party without a say in the matter.

Lastly, if your reading this blog post which I am honored to be able to be a part of to show a different perspective on adoption and my advice to all you bloggers or even non bloggers to let blogs like the one your reading and others be a place where you can grow from other's experiences that they share through blogging. I don't mean to say that as in to develop or sway someone's opinion on something like adoption but more so just so that maybe you can see things in a different light and just maybe you can get a better understanding on why a certain party acted this way or that way. It might not make the hurt go away but just maybe it can ease the pain if you can get a glimpse into someone else' s story.