Adoption Baggage Go Away

I decided to take a chance and emailed my first parents.  I asked them for an update in a light, fluffy way.  It's the first email I've ever written and sent to them together.  Usually I deal with them completely separately, but because they want to meet me together, I have to deal with them as a unit.  I didn't want to have to do that, but who knows?  Maybe it will work out in an unexpected way.  I have a feeling it's the best way to approach this situation and I'm going to go with my gut on this one.  The way things have been lately, I'm sort of beyond the point of obsessing.  The chips are going to fall where they may.  Though I did email them yesterday and now it's today and I haven't heard back... So maybe this won't go my way after all.

I have some stuff going on in my life outside of adoption and my adoption baggage is getting in the way.  Ugh.  Thank you so much adoption baggage for making me feel insecure and for losing sight of the things that really matter.  Thank you so much adoption baggage for making me doubt the one person I shouldn't be doubting.  And thank you so much adoption baggage for adding an extra layer to an already layered life.  I so appreciate it.

However, to give myself lots of credit, I realized (a little late I know) that my adoption baggage was playing a role that I did not want it to play.  As in it was playing a major role in the shotgun position giving me bad directions and trying to get me lost when really I'd like it to be strapped on the roof of the car.  Sometimes it's all about realizing you have a problem.  Without admitting you have a problem, you can't work to fix it.  You can't work to make things better.  I know now that it's there.  Before I was listening to the bad directions.  Now I'm not.  I'm working on it.  I won't let it steer me in a bad direction.  I'm stronger than that.  I can handle anything.  I can handle my mom being so sick.  I can handle my dad being a jerk to me.  I can handle my first parents rejecting me for a second (and possibly third time).  I can handle family problems.  I can handle long distance problems.  I can do it.  I am stronger than I realize sometimes.

I am a fighter.  I will not let this baggage get the best of me.  It's not going to happen.  I won't let it.  Can I get a "Hell yeah!"? :-)

Future Worth Fighting For

It's taken me a few days to write about it, but this weekend was really really hard.  A person that I'm very close to decided that life wasn't worth living anymore.  I saw him mere hours before he tried to end it all.  He's still alive thanks to some quick thinking by a relative and a responsive paramedic team.  We have to wait and see how this all plays out over the next few days.  If you're a praying type of person, his family could really use the prayers.

I'm struggling to comprehend how it got to that point.  I knew things weren't going so well for him, but lately it seemed like things were going a lot better.  I saw him that day.  I can't get it out of my head.  I knew that something was wrong.  I knew it wasn't right, and I left.  I didn't want to embarrass him and I knew that his wife and children were home.

I've been trying to accept that there was nothing that I could have done.  I gave him a hug.  I told him I loved him.  And I left.  There was no way to know what he was going to do.  And he wasn't alone.  It was in no way my fault, but I still replay those moments over and over again.  I wasn't paying attention the way that I normally do.  I realized later that it wouldn't have made a difference even if I had.

It's made me realize how lucky I am.  Life isn't always easy, but I have hope for the future.  I can think of about ten things that he has to look forward to, but clearly he couldn't in that moment.  That's a sad thing.  I'm hoping that in time he comes to see how much he does have to look forward to, and that he fights for it.  I'm so thankful to have a future worth fighting for.

Here's a list as a reminder to myself of all the things that I have to look forward to:

1. Meeting my first family: With each new person I meet, there's so many new possibilities.  I'm sure that I won't get along with some, some relationships just won't pan out, and it's all going to be hard.  However, there's a good chance that some of those new relationships might work out.  And with each new connection, I learn more about myself and the person that I want to be.
2. Maintaining good friendship: I have a lot of friends out there.  I think of all the fun times that we've had, and I think about all the things we're going to do in the future.  I can't wait to share more nights that we'll never forever.
3. Restoring rights to adoptees: We're getting there.  With each state that opens records, we're getting closer.  No matter how small, I'm doing my part, including traveling to Chicago this summer.  I tell myself that blogging my story helps too, in the sense that maybe it's helping dismiss some of the stereotypes.  Maybe it does.  Anyway, this is something that I can continue to fight for and a legacy to leave behind for other adoptees.
4. All those question marks:  I don't know where my life is going to take me.  Who knows?  I'd like to end up in a nice house with a few kids, and live out my dreams.  I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm excited to have the future wide open ahead of me.  I can't wait to find out!

I'm going to try to live my life the way that it should be lived.  I'm going to fight for all my new beginnings and wonderful stories.  I believe in angels and I know that I have a few watching over me.  I don't want to give them a bad show...

Making Decisions

It's been a week and I'm still processing.  I think it's going to take me a while.  I was cut off cold turkey so that was hard.  At least with my first mother, contact slowed down near the end.  I could see the writing on the wall.  I had an active part in ending things.  But this time around, I had no warning.  I went from at least a text message every day and talking at least once a week to nothing.

Last Sunday I watched the Patriots game and thought "I should text SinginInTheRain and see what he thought of that play!" because he's the only person I really talk football too.  Then I remembered I couldn't.  I volunteered at a Christmas party for 100 autistic kids and nearly texted him again with a funny story before I remembered once again, I can't do that anymore.

The thing is, it took me forever to trust him.  I mean really trust him.  For the longest time I'd hold my breath and wonder if each email would be the last, if each phone call would be the last.  I double checked all my text messages to make sure I wouldn't offend him.  I was so careful.

Then my mom got sick in the spring, and my first father was there for me.  And I started to trust him a little more.  Then my first father asked to introduce me as his niece and I was upset.  I told him I was upset and we talked it out.  We didn't solve anything, but things got better.  I started to trust him a little bit more because he hadn't turned and run.  And then my birthday rolled around and he made every effort to come and see me.  And after that, I fully trusted him.  Things finally felt normal.

And just like that it all went away.  To be clear, my first father didn't cut off all contact.  He told me he'd still make an effort to call me every once and a while, and he would still email me whenever he could.  Gee.  How generous of him.  Here's the thing.  It's not hard to clear the text messages on the phone.  I typically don't text him when he's at home.  So really, not my fault that he kept things on his phone.  It's super easy to delete a call from the log on the phone.  He's got a smart phone.  A monkey could do it.  So that's silly too.  And the whole email pops up JUST LIKE a text message, so really, there's no difference there, just that he moves them over on the computer and doesn't leave them on his phone.  No reason to end text messages.  Oh, and he had three days to think about it.  While that's not years, it wasn't like he got caught and then called me an hour later.  He did have some time to think about it.  And that was the best solution he could come up with.  And I wasn't included.  I was told this is how it's going to be.

I don't have to take that, and I won't.  I can't ever trust him again.  He knew it was going to hurt me, but honestly, he was more concerned about himself.  He lied to my sister's face.  I'm so angry on her behalf. And if he could lie to her, it's not a huge leap to see that he could lie to me.  So I'm done.  I'd be very happy never to see or hear from him again.  I've felt that way since I hung up the phone last week.  But I did want that email he promised me.  Because I wanted to see how much of an ass he is.  I got my email, the one I was promised six days after "The Call".  The way I see it, he could either have sent me a nice long apology email and try to patch things up, or he could have just pretended everything is ok.  Guess which one I got?  Apparently it was more important for him to tell me about how much he hates this weather than to say he's sorry.

I will meet my first mother someday.  I feel like I need to for me.  And I was worried that I would put it off because of him.  So that's one good thing.  I was going to wait to contact my siblings.  I don't have to anymore.  I'm going to contact them when I'm ready.  I might not be ready for a long time.  I don't know what I'm going to do because I don't want anything to be reactionary; it has to be well thought out.  So that's another positive.

I'm still processing.  And I'm so hurt by everything.  I didn't do anything wrong and I don't deserve this.  I don't deserve to be forced into a closet.  And my first family will eventually learn that living and breathing skeletons are the worst kind to have because eventually they set themselves free.

Apartment Hunting

I thought long and hard about how to handle my situation.  On one hand, I like living at home.  My parents have a very nice house.  I don't pay to live here.  I get to hang out with my mom a lot, and be there for her.  I get to eat yummy goodies that people drop by the house.  My car now has a space in the garage, so no shoveling snow off it come wintertime.  And my dog is here.  All valuable things to consider.

On the other hand, I offered to pay my parents the money they've (well my dad's) been requesting for rent in return for having my privacy in my room.  I was laughed at, mocked, and called crazy (and then "All the Single Ladies" was turned into "All the Crazy Ladies" for my benefit).  I finally got him to understand that it was important to me to have my own space, and he told me I wasn't allowed to speak.  That I would keep my room clean to his standards.  I explained that we had different standards and I wouldn't live like that.  Then he started to compromise.  I was told I could do whatever I wanted but he would check it once a month.  Again, told him that wasn't acceptable.  Finally he agreed that he would give me my privacy but that I'm not allowed to have food or drinks in my room.  To which I replied it's ridiculous to not allow someone water in their own room.

While it seems like progress, he did not understand what the big deal was.  Therefore, I give him two weeks before he changes his mind about the whole thing.  Plus, it's not just the privacy issue.  It's an issue of me walking through the door and being told to make dinner.  No "Hi!  How was your day?"  Just, "You're on supper duty and I'm hungry!"  Nice to see you too.  It's being yelled at for leaving my purse on the kitchen table because "only food belongs on there".  It's being criticized for picking up my phone when he called me at work.  It's being treated like an object, rather than a person.  It's being told that I need to be nicer to him because of "all he's done for me".  After all, he's put food in my mouth (I've been buying the groceries I eat), clothing me (hasn't bought me clothes since I turned 18, but apparently I need to be grateful for the other 18 years), and putting a roof over my head (he has me there).  I just don't think I can take it anymore.

I found a nice apartment.  It's safe, half way between work and home (so my commute would be easier but I could get home any time I wanted), its in my budget, and it's actually really nice.  It's not the Ritz, but it's a first apartment.  And it would be mine.  So I could leave my boots on the floor if I wanted to.  I could have a water bottle in my bedroom if I wanted to.  And I could do what I wanted to.  I'm 24.  It's time for me to move on.

I put in an application.  I have a few more questions for the rental company thanks to my first father (who was honored that I asked him for advice).  I'm still on the fence.  Things have gotten better the last few days at home.  But that doesn't mean they'll stay that way.  But I don't really love the thought of living by myself.  And I think that I'd almost rather stay home for a bit until I find an apartment that's not in a complex.  Those are harder to find, but sometimes work out a little bit better.  We'll see.

My parents don't know about the apartment yet.  I haven't told them because a) I'm not allowed to upset my mother, and b) my parents don't want me to move and therefore will do whatever it takes to keep me at home. So I need to make up my mind about moving before I talk to them.  Because I need to have an out.  I'm 24, they don't control me and I have my own life to live.

We'll see what happens.  I'm not sure.  I might not even get the apartment.  Only time will tell.  But it's guaranteed to be an interesting week.

Drama in Adoptoland

Great post by Von today, as well as several others. In case you missed it, there's been a lot of drama the last few days after an adoptive mother posted a picture of her Asian daughter pulling her eyes back.  Several adoptees, including Von and Mei-Ling, went over to try to respectfully point out how that might be raciest and offensive.  They were told to "take a chill pill" and that the gesture was "cute".  There are some great posts out there who say it better than I would, including:

Once Was Von: Twenty Fun Things To Do With Adoptees: pose your adoptee using a racist gesture which is against her race, make sure you photograph her and post on an open blog and collect commen...

Exile of Xingnan: Being Nice Just Doesn't Work: Suffice to say, I’m exhausted by this. Not just the racist post, but because of the comments going on over at Joy’s blog about the racist post. Someone wrote: If you would just be nice, people would listen to you.

Joy's Division: Adoptive Parents and Moral Imperative: I know you don’t want to hear this, but there is no getting around that I am simply right about this issue in re: the picture of the young girl posted on the internet by her adopter-woman....

iAdoptee: The Ugly American is alive and well: Much chatter has been sparked within the adoptee community this week over a photo that an adoptive mother posted to her blog. The photo features a very young Asian girl using her fingers to pull her eyes back making them appear slanted. The Caucasian adoptive mother captioned the photo with the words "She did this... and then asked 'Mommy, do I look Chinese?'"

Marginal Perspectives: Hubris: I feel as though I cannot escape the hubris of so many pathetic people at the moment. It is horrible and haunting. At the best of times, you...

If I forgot any, please leave them in the comments section!

Preparations Part 2

Hope I'm not left out in the Cold!

See Part 1 Here

Yesterday's post was so long I had to break it up in two.  I'm preparing for my third visit with my first father.  Which happens to fall on my birthday.  This could go amazingly well, or really really wrong.  I'm trying to prepare for all the ways it could go wrong.

Now there are several things that could go wrong.  I'm being open about stuff right?  Well I know for a fact that my adoptive father has withdrawn his support.  He's taking everything out on me these days and I hate that, but there's not a lot I can do about it.  I'm the emotional punching bag, the person who stops him from exploding at my mother, and the peace keeper.  I hate that role but it is what it is.

I'm going to tell my mother about meeting up with SinginInTheRain because I promised her that I would.  I'm just going to wait until my dad isn't around.  Mentally, she's a lot more there now than she was a few weeks ago.  Like it's amazing the progress that she's made.  She's almost back to being her old self.  So while she might not remember, she'll almost defiantly remember if I don't tell her. So I'm going to keep my promise and let her know that I'm meeting up with him.  She might freak out and ask that I not go.  I highly doubt it, but it could happen.  More likely than not she'll just be like "Ok whatever" and that will be the end of it.  She might ask to meet him.  If that's the case, things could get complicated.  But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.  I'm not going to worry about that right now because I actually think her meeting him would be a good thing.  But I doubt it's going to happen.

My grandmother is going to be at my house for the day. You know, THAT grandmother.  Now I've sworn to be honest if I'm asked, but I can't see this ending well for me so I'm going to the "spa" as far as she's concerned.  Which is true because that's what I've decided to do after my visit.  I'm going to need to relax.  But there's a chance she might not come to hang out with my mom.  And because I have the day off, that would be bad because it's a lot harder to find a replacement for her if everyone knows I'm off.  Which they all do.  So if she doesn't show because her leg has been bothering her and she doesn't like driving, I might be stuck.  It's happened before.  The back up plan is to play the birthday card.  Hard.

"It's my birthday and I made plans to go to the spa!  I really was looking forward to this, can you PLEASE help me out and come watch Mom for a few hours?  I just really need a day for myself and it's my birthday and I need to relax."  

It might work.  I hope.  Wow, rereading that I realize I need to clarify.  I love spending time with my adoptive mom.  But it's stressful and challenging.  I don't want to spend my birthday feeling stressed and challenged.  I'd rather be at work than watching my mom by myself all day (she sleeps a lot too so I'd have to keep busy doing other things by myself at my house... not so much fun).  I'm not a heartless witch.  I was told that I'm not allowed to hang out with my mom that day by my aunt who has become like a second mom to me through all of this.  Because she wants me to be relaxed and enjoy my birthday.  It's the one day of the year I get to make it all about me.  So I will.

I could naturally run into problems with my adoptive father.  Who knows where his mind is at these days?  He will probably be coming home to see my mom around the time that I'm leaving.  Because it's my birthday, there's a chance he might want to hang out with me or take me to lunch.  I highly doubt it, but it could happen.  Or he could run to the mall to get something for my birthday and I could run into him there.  It could happen.  How awkward would that be?

"Oh hi Dad.  What are you doing here?  Oh, shopping for my birthday?  Um, cool.  So this is SinginInTheRain, you know, the person I'm not supposed to talk about or mention in any way because you feel threatened?  Well, this is him!  We're having lunch, on my birthday...  So yeah.  Well, we're gonna go.  Me and my birth father [first father].  Love you!  See you at home for dinner!"

Yikes!  That would be bad.  But it's a possibility.  To avoid super awkward situations like this one, I'm going to let him know beforehand I think.  I'm waiting until he's calm.  After I talk to my mom.  So I'll know how she feels first, and then I'm just going to mention it to him.  But he's going to have to be alone.  And I have to have a game plan.  And I need to be prepared to run out of there quick.  And I need to be ready to laugh it off.  I need to be mentally prepared.  And I have to figure that all out QUICK because I'm seeing SinginInTheRain in a matter of DAYS. (Eee!)

Most likely out of all these scenarios is that I'm going to run into someone I know.  This is not just likely, I'd be floored if it didn't happen.  So I'm going to have to introduce SinginInTheRain to someone I know.  Which is going to be interesting because I've never done that before.  And it's going to get back to my parents.  That's just how my hometown is.  You know how there are all these little towns across America where everyone knows each other's business?  I think that we place these towns geographically in our minds in the southern part of the country, or the western part of the country, or at least I do anyway.  Turns out we have them in the East as well!  So that ought to be interesting.  I'm still working on wrapping my head around this one.

Why post about this?  Because I'm preparing for the worst.  I'm preparing for hell.  That way, if something does go wrong, I'll either have a backup plan already in place or at the very least, be mentally prepared for it.  So that's why I'm blogging about this.  Getting ready for failure.  Because then if things go wonderful, it's even better.

Fingers crossed!

The B Word

Scarlet B

When I started to "get in touch" with my adoptee issues, it dawned on me that insults I'd been hearing my whole life (never aimed at me) actually were a slur against me and others who were not born to married parents.  I never considered myself to be illegitimate or a bastard because I never really took the time to think about what those words meant.  I never took the time to realize that those words are not just insults that are thrown around, they imply things about the person, mainly, that their parents were not married and that's a bad thing.  While I can understand that our society thinks all people should be married before having children, our world is not like that today.  Children are born out of wedlock.  Men marry men, women marry women.  There are single mothers, and single fathers.  It happens.  It's something that I learned in school.  There are many ways to have a family and not all families look alike.  So if that's the message we are trying to teach, then why does society hold on to insults like "bastard"?

I've become more aware of this slur ever since I started to hear other adoptees claim the world as their own.  It wasn't until then that I really started to think about how it applied to me and how before I could "take it back" and claim it as my own, I needed to understand what it meant and why I even had the right to claim it.  I started hearing it everywhere.  My family has used it.  My friends have used it.  Rudy even used it.  And it's on TV as one of the worst insults you can hurl at people.  It keeps cropping up.

I've always tried to be careful about what words I use.  Words can hurt.  And you never know who around you could be offended.  I have a cousin who was a bit behind in development when he was a baby.  He's fine now, all caught up, but there was a time when we weren't sure if was a bigger problem.  All of a sudden, "retard" and "retarded" as slurs started to jump out at me.  I started calling my friends on it and asked them not to use that language.  They didn’t get it (they were mostly boys).  I finally flipped out on them after one trying day and told them that my cousins could possibly be "retarded" and it was disrespectful to him, to my family, and therefore to me to make light of the challenges he might face.  They were surprised because they didn't think anyone around them had a connection.  Yet I did.  Rudy did.

I've started calling people out on the word "bastard".  When I hear that word used as a slur, I just say "ouch".  If it's someone that knows about my adoption connection, they immediately apologize because they, like me a year ago, don't understand what the word means and what it implies.  It's just something they picked up from society like "jerk" and "asshole".  If they don't know about my adoption connection, I simply state that my parents were not married when I was born, so therefore I could be considered a bastard and that language is offensive to me.  I haven't run into anyone who hasn’t apologized yet.  I'm sure that day will come though because there are some nasty people out there.

My point is, words can hurt.  I'm not perfect.  I slip up from time to time.  I say things that come out wrong, I do and say things that hurt others, and it's not something that I'm proud of.  I'm working on it.  I consider myself in general to be a work in progress.  My progress today is to educate that words matter.  So think twice please before you use the B word.  You never know who's standing behind you...

Oh and...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!!!

Story time!

Castle in my Imagination

I had an entire post typed out and I deleted the entire thing.  I changed my mind about posting yet another post about my crazy life.  Instead, I'm going to post something silly.  Here's a story I wrote just for you!

Once upon a time in a land far far away, there lived a princess.  She liked doing all the things that other princesses liked to do like hosting tea parties for State Diplomats and dancing with handsome princes at all the balls.  She was pretty like princesses ought to be and loved her parents (the king and queen) like a devoted daughter should.  Her life was perfect.  She even had a white horse that was as pure as she was.

Then one day she woke up, and she wasn't in her princess bed.  She was in a normal house wearing normal clothes.  There was nobody there to make her breakfast, nobody there to help her get dressed, and nobody there to drive her where she needed to go.

"Where am I?  What is this horrid place?" she thought to herself as she ventured out of the room.  Her parents were there, but they weren't the king and queen anymore.  In fact, they were hard working middle class people who needed to get to work in order to put food on the table.

"What am I supposed to do all day?" she asked her mother as she was leaving to pick up an extra shift.

"Homework" said her mother, after quickly kissing her on the forehead and then ran out the door to drive off in a beat up used car.

The princess started to cry.  What happened to her wonderful life?  What happened to her rich and fancy things?  Her tears started to form a pool on the floor and her face was soon reflected back at her.  She looked the same, just without the fancy dresses and sans tiara.

Suddenly the water started to shift and a magical being came out from the depths of the pool.  It was the most beautiful creature the princess had ever seen!  Here, she thought, was the answer to her problems.  This magical being would fix things for her in no time because she was a princess and was owed these things.

The small fairy opened her mouth to speak as the princess waited with hopeful eyes.  The words reverberated throughout the entire two bedroom house.

"Welcome to the real world hon!"

The end.

Education and Responsibility

I've been thinking about responsibility lately.  It came up on another blog.  I'm not going to link because I don't want to stir up drama and send traffic that way, but it was an interesting situation and it's really got me thinking.

Basically, a first mother is talking to an adult adoptee who has not searched.  She explains how things were for her and apparently it comes across that she loves her child (who she has now reunited with) and has some sort of mother/child relationship.  It was very vague in this blog post and I wasn't able to find the post it was referring to.  I realize I'm doing the same to my readers, so please forgive me.

Anyway, what followed were comments that the first mother should not have told the adult adoptee her story without telling him that not all mothers feel the same way she does.  It was her responsibility to educate the adoptee about all first mother issues.  Another point was made that there isn't just one story.

I agree, there isn't just one story out there.  There are a lot of stories.  There are a lot of different ways of looking at things.  Even among adoptees, there is a spectrum.  Some of us are happy we are adopted, some of us aren't.  There isn't a right or wrong answer.  It is what it is.  I would guess it's the same for adoptive parents and first mothers.  I'm sure there are first mothers who wish they had never places (I've read some of their blogs) and there are first mothers who are happy they have placed (I've read those blogs too, just less frequently because they are a bit too triggering for me).  I'm sure there are adoptive parents who are thrilled they adopted (I like to think mine are some of them) while I know there are others who aren't (though they don't talk about it as often, I do have adoptee friends who have parents like this).  We all have different perspectives and different experiences.  It is up to us to share that or not.

What I do not agree with it the need for each person to put a disclaimer on everything that they say.  I'm sorry, but if someone asks me about my reunion, I'm going to tell them my truth.  I will not explain to whoever that "While some adoptees like me were happy they searched, there are others out there who don't want to search and never will".  That's not my story.  I will not speak for those adoptees.  I would assume that whoever asks me for my story understands that I'm not speaking for everyone.  That's why I use language like "me" and "I", not "we", "all", and "defiantly".  I learned that lesson in school.  Never use absolutes (I just giggled).  If you ask to hear my story and I tell you, and you take it to be the whole truth, well, then that's on you.  As a person you need to educate yourself.

Along those lines, when I was thinking about searching, I did a lot of research.  I didn't just listen to one story of an adoptee who searched, found, and was happy, I listened to a number of stories of people from all sides of the spectrum.  I read a lot of books, read a lot of blogs, and learned before I searched that everyone feels differently.  I knew it was like throwing darts while blindfolded and praying to hit the target.  If I didn't, that was my own fault.

I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to educate on the entire issue while telling their story.  That first mother's story was her truth.  She shouldn't speak for anyone else.  She can tell the adoptee if she wants, "That's just my story however" but I don't think it's mandatory.  I certainly don't tell people "Not all adoptees want to search" because I don't personally feel like I should speak for anyone else.  I will tell people if I think they are looking for a more general answer that no two stories are the same, and to take it with a grain of salt.  But that's when I have my education hat on.  My education hat is never on when I tell my personal story.  I don't think it has a place there.

Telling of my story is just that.  MY STORY.  Nobody else's.  And it's not my responsibility to disclaimer that. As I mentioned in the comments:

My dog Roxy!

"I don't know about this... If I have a dog and I love my dog and I'm telling someone else about my dog, do I have to tell them that not everyone else feels the same way about dogs so they don't go out and buy one based on my experience?

Everything I say to another person is from my own perspective. I perceive the world in my own way, and nobody else will perceive things the exact same way. I don't put a disclaimer in every conversation I have because that's just not practical. I can see a mother talking about her experience. It's not her responsibility to education about all adoption issues.

While I 100% agree that you have to consider all different sides, and making generalizations is BAD, I'd would say that it's up to the adoptee to figure out the other side of it, not the first mother.

That's just my take on it. I think that a person should be able to share their own experiences without putting a disclaimer on them. It's a casual conversation after all (or at least that's what I'm assuming).

Though I guess it would matter if she told him that ALL first mothers feel this way. That would be a different situation. But if she's merely saying I feel this way, then no disclaimer needed."

The response I got back to this was that I was right except when it came to adoption.  Especially when talking to an adoptee.  It just seems to me like that's labeling us again as different.  We are different, but do we really need to be treated like people who can't reason on their own?

I don't want to stir up drama, but I was really upset about this.  I just don't think it's right for an adoptee (the blog author) to tell a first mother that it's on her to educate all adoptees.  It's like saying we aren't smart enough to figure things out for ourselves.  That was my take on it anyway.  It almost seemed like this adoptee was urging mothers to tell their stories only if it was negative so that the adoptee won't search.  Should people only be able to influence negatively?  I know when I was thinking about searching, I wanted to hear about a variety of view points, not just one.  Sometimes we have to take a step back from our agendas (even if that's blogging about adoption from a "pro" position) and realize that you can't have it one way or another.  This first mother was telling her truth.  The adoptees mother might feel the same way.  She might not.  He should get to hear both sides of the story before deciding to search or not.  And I doubt one first mother is going to sway him one way or another.  I doubt that one story is going to make him rush into a reunion and he will look back later in life and blame all of his problems on this first mother.  If he does, well then there's just something not quite right there.

Where do you think the responsibility lies?