Reminder

I moved to: http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com

Thanks for following!

Moving!

I'm moving to Wordpress.  It's a pain I know.  Sorry about that!  I'm working on making that site the best that I can before I disable this blog but I figured I'd give people warning.

You can find my blog at : http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/

Checking Things Off The List

I have a pretty extensive To-Do list that I've been avoiding for the past few weeks.  It happens.  I've been so wrapped up on surviving that I put things off.  After a wonderful talk with Rudy, I decided that it's time to start living my life and putting the rest of it into prospective.  And so I jumped on  my To-Do list with a vengeance, and even managed to tackle a major goal on my bucket list.

I had a minor freak out this past weekend.  It was to be expected.  I had a lot of things on my plate that weekend.  I didn't communicate that well at all.  I told Rudy that I was struggling, but I never took the time to explain why.  I just figured he'd get it and give me some breathing room to figure it out.  Naturally that didn't happen because he had a completely different take on what was going on.  So he pushed thinking that I was just being weird about coming to visit him.  And I pushed back because that's what I do.  And he pushed some more.  And I snapped.  I don't think he's had an "Oh Shit" moment like that in a long time.  It wasn't his fault at all, nor was it my fault.  If I had communicated better, he would have backed way off and provided support a long time ago.  Slap me on the wrist.  It's a live and learn kind of thing.

Because I'm an adoptee, I didn't trust that Rudy really wasn't mad at me.  Seriously, I thought he was just covering up that he was mad because he didn't want me to start sobbing hysterically again.  It happens.  So last night we talked about it.  And boy do I feel a lot better.  He told me that yes, he was mad at first.  He didn't get why I wasn't coming to visit him and why I wasn't doing him a favor that he thought was a small one.  He didn't realize I was as stressed out as I am.  I show my stress in different ways, but he isn't here with me to see those signs.  He only has our phone conversations and I'm not always great at telling him about stuff that stresses me out.  So he didn't see the signs.  He didn't realize I was that close to the edge.  Once he realized that, he took a step back and realized that it wasn't worth it.  He wasn't mad when he realized that I had a really good reason for not wanting to drive to Connecticut for the weekend.  And I was willing to meet him halfway on Sunday for dinner.  So I still got to see him, I was less stressed out, and I will deal with the stresses in Connecticut at a later date when I don't have so much on my plate.  And Rudy also agreed to read Lost and Found by BJ Lifton.  How amazing is that?

I booked our hotel and flight to Chicago for the Adoptee Rights Protest.  I can't wait!  It will cross on my goal to visit one place that I've never been this year.  I can't wait to see Chicago and I'm always up for a weekend away with my amazing boyfriend.  Plus I'll get to meet a lot of the bloggers and adoptees that I've met online who have seriously helped me the past year.  I've been meaning to get on booking the flights and hotel, but I just hadn't gotten around to it.  A part of me was scared.  I decided today that I was done being scared and booked it.  I'll be there with bells and whistles on.

I was sort of ridding off that high when something came up on Groupon.  I'm now self-banned from that site.  I'm going to learn how to fly a plane.  It's on my bucket list.  I've always wanted to learn and there was a deal that I just couldn't pass up.  It's a once in a lifetime opportunity and I can do it!  I'm tired of living life scared.  I'm going to do something that I've always wanted to do.  I'm going to go up in a plane with a FAA-certified instructor and learn the basics.  I can't wait!

I was in the middle of putting together all my emails with my first mother so I could send away for a printed book (like I did with my first father) when my reunion with him ended very quickly.  I put it all away for the time being because it was too painful to deal with.  Now that I'm meeting her, I feel like I ended things in a good place via email.  I finished putting together the first two years of emails from the two of us (February 2010 through February 2012) and I've ordered the book.  I can check that off my list too.  Score!

No matter what happens with my reunion on Monday, I've got plenty in my life to look forward to.  I'll be learning how to fly and fulfilling my life long dream of flying a plane (even if there's a guy next to me who's really in control and it's for ten minutes...).  I'll be going on an amazing vacation to Disney with my boyfriend and we're going to ride all the scary rides together and have a blast.  I'll be headed to Chicago, a city I've always wanted to visit, to meet up with some amazing people to fight for an amazing cause!  And you know what?  I can't wait!

A Place To Meet?

Maybe a place similar to this?

I still don't know where I'll be meeting my first mother and father.  However, I did finally hear back from him and he's going to call me at the end of the week (I guess tomorrow or Friday... weird).  Deep breaths.  I haven't talked to him since the beginning of December.  Deep breaths.  I can do this.  Before I'd gotten an email back, I mentioned to Rudy that I hadn't heard from either one of them.  His response is exactly why I love him:

"If they don't show, I'm gonna drive down there and give them a piece of my mind!" (said with his cute angry face).

He's the best!  He's got my back in this even though I gave him the opportunity to back out.  I know it's not going to be fun for him.  I know it's probably going to be really awkward.  But even after I gave him an out, he still wants to come.  Though he did admit it's partially selfish.  He wants to meet them too because I come from them.  They are a part of my history, and should we have kids, their history as well.  He wants to meet them himself and see who these people that he's been hearing so much about are.  He's read some of the emails (and some of my responses), seen the pictures, and even seen a video but like me, he wants more.  It's actually really validating to me that I'm not the only one.

My first father said he doesn't think my first mother would "do well" in a coffee shop.  It sounded like he wanted to meet up at the reservation near my house.  As in my hometown.  I don't know if that's a good idea. It took a lot for me to invite him up to see my hometown on my birthday.  We'd met up twice before.  And the situation was a bit different.

My mom wants to meet my first mother.  She's told me so much, and asked if she could come with me way back when I first found my first mother.  I was vague, and pushed everything off because I don't want my adoptive mother there.  Too many emotions to deal with and it's way too much.  I am going to tell her that I'm meeting with my first mother because I made a promise that I would, but I have to be careful about when I do so because my mom's health is so-so.  She didn't care so much when it was my first father.  My first mother is a whole different story.  My adoptive mother cannot be there.  I can't handle it.  Even if I could, my mom's health wouldn't allow her to meet my first mother at this time.  Probably not ever.

I could justify my first father coming to my hometown.  I just can't justify my first mother.  She'd be too close.  It's too personal.  And lets not forget that I can't go there, to their hometown and where I was born.  It feels like a power imbalance.  And after things went south with my first father, I realized that I don't really feel comfortable with the idea of him knowing what my house looks like but I don't know what his looks like.  Or the fact that he's driven by my house (well I was driving but he got to see it) and I haven't had the same opportunity.

I emailed back and asked if we could meet at a different reservation that's about a half hour away from my house.  It's about 40 minutes or so from them, and it would be highly unlikely for us to run into anyone they know there, or that I know there.  There's a little loop around a pond that is less than a mile long, so we could just walk the loop for as long as we wanted.  They have picnic areas there too with places to sit and because it's still March, I don't think many people will be there on a random Monday.  We'll see how he responds to that.  The weather is supposed to be really nice on Monday, although we'll have to wait and see.  If the weather changes, we may not have a choice and might have to meet at a coffee shop.

I think it's time for me to start planning an outfit to wear...

Diving Back In

I've gotten away from my adoption related reading lately.  I ordered a bunch of books, got them, and then my reunion came crashing to a halt back in December.  I put the books away in the back of my closet, and put them out of my mind.  Lately I've found some spare time and things are going a lot better.  I think I'm ready to try another book.  I loved Lost and Found by Betty J. Lifton, so I decided to give Journey of an Adopted Self a shot.  So far I'm loving it!

I think that reading books about adoption while in the right frame of mind is a great exercise.  For me, reading Lost and Found was like a light bulb going off.  All of these complex things that I felt were right there in black and white text published in a book!  I saw my history written for me in a way that I could understand and now verbalize.  And there were things in that book that I didn't identify with either.  No two adoptees are the same though so that made a lot of sense to me too.

Reading that book helped me so much.  It was the right time for me to read it though.  I was going through my reunion and saw how things could end badly after my first mother pulled back.  The fantasy was gone and I was ready to accept the truth, rather than this idea I had built in my head about what adoption is.  I was ready to hear some of the cons.  I'd been working towards that for a while and this book was the final push to make my views more realistic.

When my reunion with my first father was going well, I read those books because it was important for me to understand what was happening in my life.  I'd read that it was nearly impossible to find a good councilor versed in adoption issues.  So it was a way to see from an outside some of the things that were going on in my head.  It helped me so much and it's hard to put into words what it felt like to realize that I was normal.  Well, normal for an adoptee ;-)

Once things fell apart, I couldn't deal with the adoption stuff anymore.  I was still posting here, but it was really hard.  I really struggled back in December.  I was depressed, started battling an eating disorder, and really struggled with the point of it all.  It was a dark time for me.  I had to put everything aside and try to move on with my life.  It wasn't easy.  In January, I made a vow to myself to get better and I started working hard at it.  I stood up for myself with my first father and decided that I was going to take control of my own life.

I made some key decisions and slowly started to pull myself out of the ditch I had found myself in.  It was one of the hardest things I've done in a while, but I got through it.  I finally feel like the bulk of that drama is behind me and I'm ready to move forward.  I'm so much happier these days and I love feeling this way.  I've gained nearly five pounds, which is huge for me.  Things aren't perfect, but they never will be.

Perhaps before I was a bit too obsessive over all this stuff.  Now, I'm at a place where my adoption stuff fits into my life as it should.  It's a major part of my life.  There's no getting away from that.  Just like being a woman is a huge part of my life, or being an engineer.  Adoption will always be a part of who I am.  I can't change that.  But I can embrace it.  That being said, I don't want it to be my whole life.  I think I'm starting to find a good balance for everything.  So I'm going to read this book and see what happens.  I'm liking it so far and I hope to have a review up soon.