I have some unwelcome distractions in my life right now. Perhaps the silver lining is that it's keeping me from seriously freaking out about next week. I feel like I've been waiting for this moment for forever. Having to wait a month to meet her after she agreed didn't exactly help the situation. It's frustrating at times because she's only an hour away. Just one hour. I could drive there tomorrow and see her. Heck I could go right now. I would never do that, but still. It adds another layer.
I'm working on being a more patient person. I am. I haven't emailed my first father and demanded that he email me back and figure all this stuff out right now. I didn't push to get the date moved up even though I wanted to. I'm stressing quietly on my own.
It may not even happen. She could still back out. It's happened before. I'm going to email her a pre-visit email this week. I'm going to ask her if there's anything she would like me to bring with me. I'm going to keep it super friendly and upbeat. And I'm going to thank her again for agreeing to meet with me. If that scares her off, then she wouldn't have showed up anyway. My worst fear is that I'm going to get there and he'll be the only person there. I know my first father wouldn't stand me up for anything. He knows that if neither one of them showed up, I'd go find them and we all know they don't want that. But I'm prepared to show up and hear him tell me excuses. It could happen. I'm only writing about it because I want to get it out there. I want to purge my worries and set them aside. And so that when I read back someday, I'll remember where my head was at. You'd be amazed at how much I got wrong the last time. I know I am anyway when I look back at the posts right before I met my first father (though to be fair, I had just started blogging and I've learned a lot since then).
What's more likely to happen is that I'll get there and she'll be there. We'll smile, hug each other, and have a nice conversation. I don't know what we'll talk about. It doesn't even matter. I'll hear more about how they don't want to tell my siblings. I'll smile and nod, and Rudy will take over the conversation for a while while I regain my footing. Then we'll hug each other goodbye and I won't want to leave. Rudy and I will drive away with me not saying anything. I'll either cry or not be able to stop smiling. I'll get an email from my first father shortly thereafter and probably nothing from her. And then I'll start to readjust.
Maybe there's a chance that things will change in the future. Perhaps. Life is a river, and I can't see up around this next bend. We'll have to wait and see. I have the highest hopes.
As for now, I'm going to enjoy this week. Right now my first mother isn't a real person. I can hold on to what's left of the fantasy (most of it's been destroyed already but some parts remain). I'm going to say goodbye to who I am today and prepare to meet the new me in a week. I know it's coming and I'll be prepared for that. Thanks for reading!
This is so unbelievably hard for me to understand, yet in a backwards way I do.
ReplyDeleteThe idea that you feel like you are a secret, not a person to her. That simply breaks my heart for you.
I read the same words that you write here that I write in my world too. Where we talk about being the bigger person. That we hold on to hope that this will get better and that the person we so dearly want to have a relationship with will one day want one with us too. And not just a "let's try this again someday" kind of relationship. But a "I want to be part of your life" relationship.
We walk on eggshells so as not to destroy the precarious balance of relationship that we do have now. We think through every word, so as not to offend or come off as pushy.
Jenn, I will be thinking and praying for you this week. And I will carry the hope for you that others carry for me too, that someday this will get better. And instead of trepidation, you will experience true contentment and joy knowing everyone who has made you who you are. And the hope that someday everyone is proud to claim you as their daughter. You deserve that.
Good luck to you in this final week before meeting her.....Thanks for taking us all along for your journey.
ReplyDeleteI remember how overjoyed I felt anticipating my first meeting with my lost daughter. You know so much more than I did about reunions--the ups and the downs. I hope that will help you stay grounded during this emotionally charged time.
ReplyDeleteSending good wishes your way, Jenn. I do hope your mother will see the lovely young woman you are--I know it will forever impact her heart. Don't forget to B R E A T H E!
I am so excited for you. I hope this week go fast for you and that everything goes smoothly. I wish that instead of excuses why they can't tell your sisters that they have decided it would be best to be honest with them. I firmly believe once they accept to telling them the truth and do it and get past the hardest hurdle of telling them about you that they will find some peace in them that maybe even them didn't was hurting them.
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