I think that reading books about adoption while in the right frame of mind is a great exercise. For me, reading Lost and Found was like a light bulb going off. All of these complex things that I felt were right there in black and white text published in a book! I saw my history written for me in a way that I could understand and now verbalize. And there were things in that book that I didn't identify with either. No two adoptees are the same though so that made a lot of sense to me too.
Reading that book helped me so much. It was the right time for me to read it though. I was going through my reunion and saw how things could end badly after my first mother pulled back. The fantasy was gone and I was ready to accept the truth, rather than this idea I had built in my head about what adoption is. I was ready to hear some of the cons. I'd been working towards that for a while and this book was the final push to make my views more realistic.
When my reunion with my first father was going well, I read those books because it was important for me to understand what was happening in my life. I'd read that it was nearly impossible to find a good councilor versed in adoption issues. So it was a way to see from an outside some of the things that were going on in my head. It helped me so much and it's hard to put into words what it felt like to realize that I was normal. Well, normal for an adoptee ;-)
Once things fell apart, I couldn't deal with the adoption stuff anymore. I was still posting here, but it was really hard. I really struggled back in December. I was depressed, started battling an eating disorder, and really struggled with the point of it all. It was a dark time for me. I had to put everything aside and try to move on with my life. It wasn't easy. In January, I made a vow to myself to get better and I started working hard at it. I stood up for myself with my first father and decided that I was going to take control of my own life.
I made some key decisions and slowly started to pull myself out of the ditch I had found myself in. It was one of the hardest things I've done in a while, but I got through it. I finally feel like the bulk of that drama is behind me and I'm ready to move forward. I'm so much happier these days and I love feeling this way. I've gained nearly five pounds, which is huge for me. Things aren't perfect, but they never will be.
Perhaps before I was a bit too obsessive over all this stuff. Now, I'm at a place where my adoption stuff fits into my life as it should. It's a major part of my life. There's no getting away from that. Just like being a woman is a huge part of my life, or being an engineer. Adoption will always be a part of who I am. I can't change that. But I can embrace it. That being said, I don't want it to be my whole life. I think I'm starting to find a good balance for everything. So I'm going to read this book and see what happens. I'm liking it so far and I hope to have a review up soon.
