Checking Things Off The List

I have a pretty extensive To-Do list that I've been avoiding for the past few weeks.  It happens.  I've been so wrapped up on surviving that I put things off.  After a wonderful talk with Rudy, I decided that it's time to start living my life and putting the rest of it into prospective.  And so I jumped on  my To-Do list with a vengeance, and even managed to tackle a major goal on my bucket list.

I had a minor freak out this past weekend.  It was to be expected.  I had a lot of things on my plate that weekend.  I didn't communicate that well at all.  I told Rudy that I was struggling, but I never took the time to explain why.  I just figured he'd get it and give me some breathing room to figure it out.  Naturally that didn't happen because he had a completely different take on what was going on.  So he pushed thinking that I was just being weird about coming to visit him.  And I pushed back because that's what I do.  And he pushed some more.  And I snapped.  I don't think he's had an "Oh Shit" moment like that in a long time.  It wasn't his fault at all, nor was it my fault.  If I had communicated better, he would have backed way off and provided support a long time ago.  Slap me on the wrist.  It's a live and learn kind of thing.

Because I'm an adoptee, I didn't trust that Rudy really wasn't mad at me.  Seriously, I thought he was just covering up that he was mad because he didn't want me to start sobbing hysterically again.  It happens.  So last night we talked about it.  And boy do I feel a lot better.  He told me that yes, he was mad at first.  He didn't get why I wasn't coming to visit him and why I wasn't doing him a favor that he thought was a small one.  He didn't realize I was as stressed out as I am.  I show my stress in different ways, but he isn't here with me to see those signs.  He only has our phone conversations and I'm not always great at telling him about stuff that stresses me out.  So he didn't see the signs.  He didn't realize I was that close to the edge.  Once he realized that, he took a step back and realized that it wasn't worth it.  He wasn't mad when he realized that I had a really good reason for not wanting to drive to Connecticut for the weekend.  And I was willing to meet him halfway on Sunday for dinner.  So I still got to see him, I was less stressed out, and I will deal with the stresses in Connecticut at a later date when I don't have so much on my plate.  And Rudy also agreed to read Lost and Found by BJ Lifton.  How amazing is that?

I booked our hotel and flight to Chicago for the Adoptee Rights Protest.  I can't wait!  It will cross on my goal to visit one place that I've never been this year.  I can't wait to see Chicago and I'm always up for a weekend away with my amazing boyfriend.  Plus I'll get to meet a lot of the bloggers and adoptees that I've met online who have seriously helped me the past year.  I've been meaning to get on booking the flights and hotel, but I just hadn't gotten around to it.  A part of me was scared.  I decided today that I was done being scared and booked it.  I'll be there with bells and whistles on.

I was sort of ridding off that high when something came up on Groupon.  I'm now self-banned from that site.  I'm going to learn how to fly a plane.  It's on my bucket list.  I've always wanted to learn and there was a deal that I just couldn't pass up.  It's a once in a lifetime opportunity and I can do it!  I'm tired of living life scared.  I'm going to do something that I've always wanted to do.  I'm going to go up in a plane with a FAA-certified instructor and learn the basics.  I can't wait!

I was in the middle of putting together all my emails with my first mother so I could send away for a printed book (like I did with my first father) when my reunion with him ended very quickly.  I put it all away for the time being because it was too painful to deal with.  Now that I'm meeting her, I feel like I ended things in a good place via email.  I finished putting together the first two years of emails from the two of us (February 2010 through February 2012) and I've ordered the book.  I can check that off my list too.  Score!

No matter what happens with my reunion on Monday, I've got plenty in my life to look forward to.  I'll be learning how to fly and fulfilling my life long dream of flying a plane (even if there's a guy next to me who's really in control and it's for ten minutes...).  I'll be going on an amazing vacation to Disney with my boyfriend and we're going to ride all the scary rides together and have a blast.  I'll be headed to Chicago, a city I've always wanted to visit, to meet up with some amazing people to fight for an amazing cause!  And you know what?  I can't wait!

One Year Reunion Anniversary!

One year ago today I met my first father for the first time.  He was the first relative that I ever met who was biologically related to me.  It was the first time I'd ever seen someone I looked like.  I saw my features in his face and noticed my own mannerisms reflected back at me.  I saw bits and pieces of my personality in his stories.  I finally knew what people had been talking about all those years about the apple not falling far from the tree when describing family relationships.  Nobody had ever said that about me.  Clearly I was his daughter through and through.

I'll never forget that feeling.  I will never forget how overwhelming yet wonderful everything was.  I'll never forget the time that we spent together, getting to know one another, and the time that we spent laughing together.  Once I got over the initial shock (and it was a soul shaking shock), I had the best time of my life.

In the days, weeks, and then months that followed, I let the visit sink in and started to recover.  That's really the only way I can describe it.  It felt like a dream at the time, and I had to unravel everything that had happened.  I wasn't the same person I used to be anymore, and I had to get to know the new me.  I had made some huge realizations that shook me to my core.  After all of those years not knowing where my personality and quirks came from, I finally had a much better idea and it rocked me.  I was no longer ashamed of what I had considered flaws.  It took seeing those same things in another person and realizing they weren't flaws, more like quirks, to realize that maybe it was OK to like myself.  Maybe I could cut myself some slack.  For the first time ever, I started to like myself for me.  I saw who I was in the mirror, not the slightly out of reach version of myself that I thought I had to be.  I was just me.  Flaws and all.  Quirks and all.  And it felt so good.

As more time went by, things settled down.  I learned to live with this new idea of who I am and this new sense of identity.  It became a part of who I am, something that I learned over time to accept.  I'm not there 100%, but I'm getting there.  It's a journey.

We've met twice since after that first meeting a year ago today.  I even saw my first father on my birthday, a wonderful gift!  He's seen my hometown and we've laughed in the mall (which looking back was a really bad place to meet up seeing as neither one of us really likes shopping).  I will always have those memories, no matter how things are going forward.  Things may not have turned out the way I wanted them too, but that's just life for you.

As I prepare to meet my first mother, I can't help but think of all the unexpected ways my life changed after meeting my first father.  I'm more excited I think than nervous.  If this past year has been any indication, I know that the journey will be one worth taking, obstacles and all.

What a year!

New Toys!

So I had some computer problems. And some phone problems. And my life was kind of shitty. My response? I went on a shopping binge with my paycheck. I'm all for responsible spending. But sometimes you just have to be a little irresponsible.

I started by getting a new phone. I got an i.Phone. It's pretty sweet. I wasn't going to get one, and I know the i.Phone.5 is probably coming out in a month and I won't have the latest phone, but really? I don’t care. I wanted it and I wanted it now. And I had a friend who encouraged me to get it. And my old phone was not going to make it to the mysterious i.Phone.5 release. So whatever. And you know what? I love it. And my first father has one too. And now I hear from him more (at least over the last few days because texting is easier). So a win's a win.

Then I got a new computer. It was a bit of an adventure. Long story short, I got a computer, changed my mind when I got home, and returned it the next day to get a better computer for an extra $25. It was a good time. BUT I do love my new computer. It's going to take me forever to move stuff over, but I'm getting there. My computer is my life because of my job. And the fact that I'm a software engineer. Side story: the woman who sold me the computer I returned asked if I wanted to buy the protection plan. I answered very clearly no. So she decides to ask me rather rudely if I have someone who will fix it for me if it breaks. Um, excuse me? I just told you I didn't want the stupid plan. I don't have to explain to you that I'm a software engineer who used to work in IT and I would never pay someone else to mess with my computer. I mess with my own computer. And I answered no. I wouldn't answer no if I wanted it. So annoying. Just because I am a female and I don't look like a computer geek, does not mean I'm not technical. So save your judgments please. I was annoyed.

Moving on. I've been having fun with my new toys. My friends were making fun of me because I had my iPhone on one side of me, my iPad on the other, and my computer on my lap last night. It was funny. I laughed.
Good times!