When I was younger, she didn't have a face. She had long brown hair like me, only her's was stick straight. Her features were blurred, but I knew she had brown eyes just like me. She was young because in my mind, she was trapped at the age at which she surrendered me. She would forever be the twenty-one year old that put me up for adoption because she was young and poor.
Later, once I'd gotten in touch with her at 22, I'd see pictures and be amazed that I did get some things right. She was beautiful. She is beautiful. She has brown hair like me and it's straight, but it wasn't as dark or as long as I'd pictured. Her eyes are in fact brown like mine, nothing like the blue eyes of my adoptive mother or hazel of my adoptive father (though his sometimes look brown in the right light). She wasn't the skinny free spirit I had always imagined, but instead your average body type conservative Catholic.
The biggest shock to seeing her picture was that she's not the twenty-one year old I had always pictured her to be. She is still young compared to the parents who raised me don't get me wrong. And she's aged very well in that I wouldn't think she was as old as she is unless you told me. And to a certain extent, she does look like me. I'm a pretty good mix of my first father and my first mother, but I think if you saw the three of us together (which is actually happening in two weeks!) you'd probably say that I take after him. Then again I've never met her so maybe I take more after her. My first father was amazed at how similar I am to my first mother and sisters. He said he couldn't get over that I did some of the same things that she does without ever meeting her. Apparently my first mother and I act the same way when we're nervous. And we hold ourselves the same way. So it's going to be interesting to see, and I'm sure it's going to be a sight to watch. I can't wait to see what Rudy thinks.
It's funny, but I always pictured that I'd meet her in a coffee shop. I don't drink coffee. She doesn't either. I drink tea, but she doesn't. I've been thinking of all the different places we could meet realistically. We could meet at a park or something. This might work out very well because usually there aren't a lot of people around and we could walk which is perfect for me because I have to be moving when I'm nervous. I'm sure we could find a decent park somewhere and meet up there. The only downside is that we're meeting in March. And I'm always cold. So if the weather isn't great, then so much for that thought. I think that's going to be my first plan and the backup will be a coffee shop maybe. It would just have to be the right kind of place at the right time. Because we're meeting during the week, as long as we meet in between breakfast and lunch, it shouldn't be too crowded and somewhat private. So it might be a good setting. We'll see. We'll have Rudy and my first father with us so it's almost like a double date. Weird.
Rudy suggested Starbucks and though I'm a Dunkin Donuts girl through and through, it might work out well there. Some Starbucks have great places to sit. Plus if I could find one near a park it would be perfect because if the weather was nice we could go for a walk outside or something.
If anyone has any suggestions feel free to sound off in the comments!
"She was young because in my mind, she was trapped at the age at which she surrendered me."
ReplyDeleteYes!!! I know many first Mothers, including my own, still see us as the babies they left behind. My Mother always said to imagine me any other way made her grief too real.
It's like we're all frozen in time... Sometimes I feel frozen with this whole thing. I'm hoping that meeting her will help both of us thaw. A girl can hope right?
DeleteYes, I did that too with my oldest son. He wasn't a baby, but in my mind he was the five-year old boy from the last picture I received of him.
DeleteHappy hugs for you Jenn!
ReplyDeleteOddly, I never really imagined my birth mom stuck at any age until AFTER we met for the first time. We met and now, when I see sporadic photos of her, I get so freaked out at seeing her age. She isn't aging well... because she's lived a hard life and done some things that didn't exactly add to her health. She actually looks older than my adoptive mom even though my a-mom is 12 years older. It makes me sad sometimes and it's really hard for me to see it.
Well, I'm hoping all goes well for your meeting!
Thanks Litha! Happy hugs back!
DeleteI felt the same way about my daughter. Its so exciting that this is finally happening. I can't wait to read all about it. I don't have any ideas on where to meet.
ReplyDeleteThanks birthmothertalks! I haven't heard back about the Starbucks idea... but then again I wasn't expecting them to be prompt getting back to me. We'll see. I'll meet her somewhere. The where isn't going to matter as much as is the fact that I'm meeting her. I can't wait to write about it lol!
DeleteI understand. I pretty much picture my natural mom as an older, kinder, gentler, wiser, prettier me...in a fairy princess kind of way. It's really hard when you only have fantasies to go on, and I think it has to be kind of hard to let that go in reunion because the fantasy is all the adoptee has had, and even though it isn't real it's something.
ReplyDelete(((WP))) I hope one day you do get to know more.
DeleteI never really had much expectations about what my first mom was like (and will never truly know because she passed away quite young). However, from what I've learnt about her I might be one of those people in which the reality was better than I imagined. I have lots of photos of her and though there are some beautiful ones of her in gowns (looking just like a fairy princess lol), my favourite is one of her husband and her in typical '70s clothes when she is about 36. She will forever look that age in my mind (she only lived a few more years).
I think your idea of a Starbucks with a park nearby is a great idea, especially if you and your mom are the same in needing to move when you get nervous. You will have a warm, comfortable place to sit but also somewhere to move around if you need to.
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking of you!
Jenn:
ReplyDeleteI like your idea of a coffee place with a park nearby....I often wonder about where my son and I would meet when he's ready to do so. I often think a park is best because even though I don't want to be, I fear I will be overly emotional at times and don't want to embarrass him in a public venue. Plus, I sometimes think it's easier for people to really talk while they're doing something else, like walking side by side rather than looking at each other from across a table. Good luck in the planning and keep us posted.
Good luck Jenn when you meet your mother :) I agree that the coffee place with a park sounds lovely - a mixture of company with others to start with and then solitude when you are ready to talk.
DeleteThis so reminds me of meeting my first father. We sat at a diner across from one another and I was so overwhelmed I couldn't even look at him. I felt like he was just staring at me trying to memorize me and it was an odd feeling. Later we went for a walk and I was able to handle walking next to each other. Much better.
Delete:-) You guys are the best!