Checking Things Off The List

I have a pretty extensive To-Do list that I've been avoiding for the past few weeks.  It happens.  I've been so wrapped up on surviving that I put things off.  After a wonderful talk with Rudy, I decided that it's time to start living my life and putting the rest of it into prospective.  And so I jumped on  my To-Do list with a vengeance, and even managed to tackle a major goal on my bucket list.

I had a minor freak out this past weekend.  It was to be expected.  I had a lot of things on my plate that weekend.  I didn't communicate that well at all.  I told Rudy that I was struggling, but I never took the time to explain why.  I just figured he'd get it and give me some breathing room to figure it out.  Naturally that didn't happen because he had a completely different take on what was going on.  So he pushed thinking that I was just being weird about coming to visit him.  And I pushed back because that's what I do.  And he pushed some more.  And I snapped.  I don't think he's had an "Oh Shit" moment like that in a long time.  It wasn't his fault at all, nor was it my fault.  If I had communicated better, he would have backed way off and provided support a long time ago.  Slap me on the wrist.  It's a live and learn kind of thing.

Because I'm an adoptee, I didn't trust that Rudy really wasn't mad at me.  Seriously, I thought he was just covering up that he was mad because he didn't want me to start sobbing hysterically again.  It happens.  So last night we talked about it.  And boy do I feel a lot better.  He told me that yes, he was mad at first.  He didn't get why I wasn't coming to visit him and why I wasn't doing him a favor that he thought was a small one.  He didn't realize I was as stressed out as I am.  I show my stress in different ways, but he isn't here with me to see those signs.  He only has our phone conversations and I'm not always great at telling him about stuff that stresses me out.  So he didn't see the signs.  He didn't realize I was that close to the edge.  Once he realized that, he took a step back and realized that it wasn't worth it.  He wasn't mad when he realized that I had a really good reason for not wanting to drive to Connecticut for the weekend.  And I was willing to meet him halfway on Sunday for dinner.  So I still got to see him, I was less stressed out, and I will deal with the stresses in Connecticut at a later date when I don't have so much on my plate.  And Rudy also agreed to read Lost and Found by BJ Lifton.  How amazing is that?

I booked our hotel and flight to Chicago for the Adoptee Rights Protest.  I can't wait!  It will cross on my goal to visit one place that I've never been this year.  I can't wait to see Chicago and I'm always up for a weekend away with my amazing boyfriend.  Plus I'll get to meet a lot of the bloggers and adoptees that I've met online who have seriously helped me the past year.  I've been meaning to get on booking the flights and hotel, but I just hadn't gotten around to it.  A part of me was scared.  I decided today that I was done being scared and booked it.  I'll be there with bells and whistles on.

I was sort of ridding off that high when something came up on Groupon.  I'm now self-banned from that site.  I'm going to learn how to fly a plane.  It's on my bucket list.  I've always wanted to learn and there was a deal that I just couldn't pass up.  It's a once in a lifetime opportunity and I can do it!  I'm tired of living life scared.  I'm going to do something that I've always wanted to do.  I'm going to go up in a plane with a FAA-certified instructor and learn the basics.  I can't wait!

I was in the middle of putting together all my emails with my first mother so I could send away for a printed book (like I did with my first father) when my reunion with him ended very quickly.  I put it all away for the time being because it was too painful to deal with.  Now that I'm meeting her, I feel like I ended things in a good place via email.  I finished putting together the first two years of emails from the two of us (February 2010 through February 2012) and I've ordered the book.  I can check that off my list too.  Score!

No matter what happens with my reunion on Monday, I've got plenty in my life to look forward to.  I'll be learning how to fly and fulfilling my life long dream of flying a plane (even if there's a guy next to me who's really in control and it's for ten minutes...).  I'll be going on an amazing vacation to Disney with my boyfriend and we're going to ride all the scary rides together and have a blast.  I'll be headed to Chicago, a city I've always wanted to visit, to meet up with some amazing people to fight for an amazing cause!  And you know what?  I can't wait!

Music Sooths

I've been listening to a lot of music lately.  I love music and it's always been a huge part of my life.  I was dancing shortly after I learned to walk, so from an early age I was exposed to music in a way that not everyone is.  I learned to play the flute (not for me), the drums (loved 'em, hated the people I had to deal with to play), and the piano (my favorite).  I sang in the choir for a while before realizing that everyone would be better off it I spent my time doing something else.  I have a special talent for sight reading music.  I can read music and play it on the piano without too much trouble.  It may take me a while to get up to speed, but the first time I'd run through the piece wasn't as bad as it could have been.

With things feeling like they're a bit unstable at the moment, my poor i.Pod has been getting a serious work out.  I've been listening to all sort of music lately.  I've been working on branching out from my normal genre and seeing what else is out there.  I've grown to enjoy other genres lately and I've enjoyed getting to know other kinds of music.

I've become a huge L.ady G.aga.  I've been listening to her music a lot lately.  The melodies are catchy and I love some of the lyrics.  I think that some of her songs have a fantastic message and I listen to my favorites when I'm feeling particularly blue.

I've also been listening to a lot of music that's on my i.Pod from when I was younger.  I have "middle school" music on my i.Pod and I've been taking a trip down memory lane a lot lately.  It's funny because back then those songs were everything to me.  Now while they still bring a smile to my face, I don't feel compelled to play them over and over again like I did back then.

What's on your playlist these days?

It's All About the Attitude

I'm learning that sometimes it's all about the attitude.  I think my favorite part of philosophy in college was when we learned that there isn't really a reality.  It's all about perception.  No two people perceive the world in the same way.  So there is not one reality, no one right way, no one absolute.  Two people will view the same thing from different perspectives with different past experiences.  I will always view things from the point of view of an adult adoptee who was born and raised in Massachusetts, went to a private college. and has a degree in engineering.  Each life experience also shapes me so I'll see things differently from another adult adoptee born and raised in Massachusetts, who went to a private college, and has a degree in engineering.  So we all see things differently.  If each person sees things from their own perspective, then there cannot be one absolute reality.  Just a blending of how we all see things.  And I'm learning that how I see things is all dependent on my attitude.

I'm super into self-help books these days.  Some of it's crap.  This I acknowledge.  So I read with a skeptical eye.  Sometimes though you stumble across something great.  And those gems are starting to help me through this rough patch.  For starters, I'm starting to accept what happened to me.  I phrase it that was because adoption is not something that I chose.  It was chosen for me.  It happened to me, without my consent.  And there are times when it really does suck.  I love my adoptive family.  Don't get me wrong.  But I wish I was their biological daughter.  I wish I didn't have to deal with these issues.  I wish I could be the same as everyone else.  But I'm not.  And I'm starting to accept that.  It's a process and I'm not 100% there yet, but I'm working on it.

Next, I'm working on my attitude towards things.  I'm learning that I need to be flexible and bend as life changes.  That being said, I'm learning not to bend so far that I break.  It's a fine line and I'm learning how to manage.  I'm learning to accept that life isn't always fair.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people.  I can sit around and feel badly about it, or I can dust myself off, pick myself back up, and move forward.  Being sucked down by something because it's unfair doesn't make things better, it just makes me feel worse.  I'm also figuring out that I need to take care of myself.  Sometimes I tend to put the needs of others first and then dealing with my own needs and wants second.  I need to learn to take care of myself because if I'm not at my best, I can't do much for others (mental note: schedule yearly physical - no more putting it off because Mom's sick).  So I'm working on fixing my attitude.  It's a work in progress, but then again, isn't that what life's about?

My new favorite saying is that I'm a work in progress.  I'll always be growing and learning and changing.  Life isn't static.  I'm trying to maintain a good attitude about everything.  There are certain things in life that I can't change, so the only thing in my control is my attitude.

2011: A Year In Review

Looking back on the year 2011, it was a big year.  It was filled with hidden joys, big challenges, and several life changing events.

In the month of January, I started blogging.  It was something that I wanted to try for a long time but it wasn't until January that I took that plunge.  This was also the month when I reached out to my first mother to try to start over, and was then ignored.  And I started my last semester of college.  We can't forget that one!

In February, I planned my first face to face.  I put together a book with all my emails and everything I knew about my first parents.

March was a fun month and a life changing one.  At the beginning of the month, I met my first father for the first time.  It was the first time I've met someone I'm biologically related to.  It was the first time I saw myself reflected in someone else.  Talk about unsettling!  As if that wasn't enough, my mom and I went on vacation together to Punta Cana.  We had the best time and I know it's something that I'm always going to look back on and smile.  What a busy month!

April was hard.  For starters, my sister and I got into a huge fight.  She wasn't supportive of me meeting my first father and was hurt that I hadn't told her sooner.  Then life changed completely when we learned that my mother had another brain tumor, only this time looked different from her last time.  I moved home the last week of the month.

May got harder.  My mother had four brain surgeries in three weeks.  She was diagnosed with brain cancer and her tumor was deemed inoperable.  I met my first father again, and this time went a little better.  We actually relaxed and had fun hanging out.  And then I graduated college with my bachelor and masters degrees, an event that my parents watched on a laptop in the ICU back in Boston.

June rolled around and my mom started her chemotherapy and radiation.  My life became all about my mother as I tried to adjust to living at home.  Lost Daughters started.  I saw Taylor Swift with my cousin, a girl who is like a sister to me.

July saw the end of radiation for my mom and a break in chemotherapy.  I got a job offer which I accepted and my mom and I went on vacation for a week on Cape Cod.  It was my last month of freedom before starting my job.  My first father started texting me, something that we hadn't really done before.

August started with my job.  Literally, my first day was August 1st.  It was a huge adjustment for me.  My first father started a short trend of sending me videos from his new phone.  Various summer fun was had by me and my boyfriend on the weekends.  August was anything but a lazy summer.

September rolled around and I got a new computer and a new phone in the same week.  I settled into work and my boyfriend started his job (so started spending less time with me).  I jumped on Twitter and tried to improve my blog.  I decided to be more open in my life about my reunion and stop treating it like a huge secret.

October brought more changes.  I started my Picture Sunday postings.  My attempt to be more open blew up in my face.  Steve Jobs died, and the Internet blew up with adoption stories.  My mother spent another week in the hospital.  My first father came up to visit me on my birthday and told me that he was thinking about telling my first sisters about me.

November was hard.  My first father told me he wasn't ready to tell my first sisters, which I was OK with because of the other insanity going on in my life.  I bought a new camera.  My cousin got married and my entire adoptive family got together to celebrate.  I had my high school reunion.  I nearly moved out of my house.  I sent my first father a text message that was spotted by my older kept sister.

December brought more changes.  My first father ended our reunion, except for an occasional email.  He changed his mind a week later after talking to my first mother who stood up for me.  I opted not to continue with reunion under his new rules, but to get back in touch in the new year.  I prepared for Christmas by myself.  The year came to a close.

What a year...  It feels like January was a lifetime ago!

Interview Project 2011

When I signed up for this project, I was a little bit nervous.  OK, I was a lot nervous.  I wasn't sure who I'd be paired with, but I had a feeling chances were it was going to be an AP or first parent.  But I do feel strongly that these things need to include adoptee voices, so I was going to take one for the team.  Um, yeah, didn't happen that way. I was paired up with a kick ass adoptive mom over at Unofficial Mom.  I've had fun emailing back and forth with Sara the past week or so.  We discovered we had a ton in common, both being from the same area, working in a similar field, and other similarities.

Sara and her husband have an interesting adoption story.  They couldn't have babies the old fashioned way and adopted Pie (possibly one of the cutest kids ever) privately.  There story starts like this: "My husband went into a Chipotle for a burrito and came out with a baby."

So we had some fun interviewing each other.  Here's my interview with Sara.  Enjoy and check out her blog!

How'd you come up with the nickname Pie?

She ended up Pie completely by chance. When we were in the hospital with her, and my husband said, “She’s such a little love pie” and it stuck. So she’s Pie, Love Pie, PiePie and about a million others. We even had a special plaque made for her room and we talk about it each night before bed. She just started saying Love Pie herself and it’s maybe the cutest thing ever.

The whole school, work, mother thing sounds like it can be a bit demanding. What do you do for YOU to relax and recharge?
Relax? What’s that? In all seriousness I don’t get to do a ton of that right now. If I happen to have a few minutes while I’m out of the house I’ll run into Target usually and wander around a bit (read buy something for Pie). And if I’m at home, I try to catch up on the ridiculous play list on my DVR. I used to read. All the time. I really miss it, but now when I pick up a book I’m asleep within a page or two.

If you could wipe the slate blank and start over from scratch, what would your perfect open adoption look like?
In all honesty I wouldn’t really change anything about my adoption. Since her birth, I think we’ve all been really good about contact. I send pictures and updates, we have visits. They spend the day with us on Pie’s birthday. And now that she’s older, I’ve started randomly sending coloring pages and crafts she does to her first parents. And they randomly have things they pick up for her too. Open adoption is such a fluid thing, and you really have to stay flexible to move with it as it changes. Now, that being said, I would change things about the pregnancy. I would have preferred the prenatal care be better, and obviously, that there was no drug use.

You mentioned that you would like to adopt again. Should that happen, knowing what you know now, would you rather participate in an open or closed adoption the second time around?
Open all the way. I can’t imagine it being anything else. Granted we knew Pie’s first parents before the pregnancy, much less the adoption, so that one is always going to be a little different. But I truly can’t imagine a child not having access to his/her biological information. Before I learned about open adoption, I worried about it being confusing for the child to have two sets of parents present, or the first parents wanting to take over or any other number of crazy things. But I think if anything nutty happens, the things a child gets from an open adoption far outweigh any bumps in the road that the adults may encounter.

What's your favorite food in the whole world? If you could eat it everyday, would you?
Pizza. And I do eat it far more than I should. I’m a bit of a weirdo here though, because my favorite pizza is the frozen Tombstone kind. There are a handful of other, fancier pizzas I love, but I don’t have all that often. But throw a good old Tombstone in the oven and I’m a happy girl.

What motivated you to start blogging? What's kept you motivated to stick with it?
I started blogging as a way to process the adoption. I think it’s really hard to fully grieve infertility, and the loss of the family you thought you would have. I’m still not sure I really have. And I don’t know anyone who has been involved with an open adoption. There are other adoptions in my family, but they are international and totally closed because of it. I guess I thought I could put all my ramblings out into space and it would make me feel better. I never in a million years thought I would gain the information, support, and friends that I have through this process. I’m in awe everyday of the people who share their lives with me, and want to share mine. And that’s the reason I continue. I don’t think I’ll ever stop learning about adoption, and having such an amazing network of people to teach me is invaluable.

We have the same camera... What's your favorite picture that you've taken with it?
It’s a copout I know, but anything with Pie in it. If you were twisting my arm I’d have to say this one is near the top. It’s a perfect capture of a completely ordinary day. Pie is a water baby through and through, she would spend every waking moment in water if she could. So the summer is pool time, pool time and more pool time. This was just a quick shot after she had worn herself out in the pool…her chunky cheeks, the water droplets, her gorgeous eyes…it all just makes me smile.

If you could give your daughter only one piece of advice for the rest of her life, what would it be?
This one is so hard! But I think it would be something along the lines of the fact that she is amazing and special and anyone who doesn’t treat her accordingly isn’t worth her time.

What's the biggest thing you've learned from another blogger?

I think the best thing I’ve learned is that it’s okay to not always know what you’re doing in regards to adoption. You do your best and you ask for help or advice when you need it.

What's something that you've learned from this Interview Project?
Another good one. I think this Interview Project has reminded me how much I can gain from getting to know people in different adoption roles. Being able to have the insight into other perspectives is amazing. And I learned that you are one cool chick J