Luck o' the Irish

Happy St. Patrick's Day!  If you're Irish, have a wonderful day celebrating your pride!  If you're not Irish but adopted into an Irish family (like me), have a great day celebrating your family's pride!  If you're not Irish, then have a fantastic day wishing you were Irish ;-)

I'm hoping that my proximity to real live Irish decedents will cause me to have good luck.  My mom is over 50% Irish and my dad is exactly 50% Irish.  If I was their biological kid, I'd be over 50% Irish.  And lets not forget that my sister is part Irish as well.  I'm surrounded by them.  And I might be English... Hehe!

Some luck might be nice.  I do have some major life events coming up and it's going to take a little bit of luck for them to go swimmingly.  So I need some of the luck of the Irish...  There are plenty of things that could go wrong when I meet my first mother in a little over a week, but so much that could go right too.  I'm going to focus on those things today!

Meeting my first mother could be the best thing that's ever happened.  I might see her and just know she's my mother.  I might feel connected to her in a way I've never felt before, something that non-adopted people take for granted.  Or I might not.  But with some luck, I'll at least feel something towards her.  I could see her and see all these  similarities between us.  Or maybe not.  I am a lot like my first father.  But still, he said there are some decent similarities between us, strong ones even, so perhaps that will be clear to me.  It might be really cool to see my two parents together.  I'm going to ask for a picture.  It might be the only chance I'll get.  Something could go wrong (like that time I forgot to ask for a picture when I was with my first father).  But with some luck Rudy will be able to take a nice picture.  So that could go really really well.  But most of all, I'm really hoping that my first mother and I get to connect as people.  There's something missing from the emails we shared over the past two years, even when things were good, and I'm hoping to find that at our face to face meeting.

With some luck we'll have good weather.  Nice weather as in the we can go for a walk outside somewhere kind of weather.  I don't do well sitting still.  At all.  It seems my first father doesn't do so great with that either. Actually, Rudy doesn't either.  So at least three of the four of us would feel better if we were moving as far as I can tell.  So nice weather would be appreciated.  Also, I can get a bit nervous sometimes, so it would be nice if I was able to control my nerves.  I'm working hard now to prepare.  I'm running, working on being relaxed, and preparing with Rudy.  All of these things are seriously helping my anxiety and I feel ten times better than I did before I met my first father.  I'm hoping to keep these things up.  The last thing I want to do is go to meet her with huge black circles under my eyes, tired and wound-up, and lose my ability to stay present in the moment.  So with a little luck I'll be well rested, calm with an appropriate level of excitement (enough for a healthy glow, not enough to scare her off), and the mental awareness to actually enjoy what's going on and remember it.

I'm not sure if my first mother will want anything to do with me after she meets me.  According to her, it's not me.  So it doesn't matter what I do, she's not going to want anything to do with me.  She's meeting me because she feels like I deserve at least that much.  She's not a bad person at all.  But she's coming because I asked her to.  And once we met, that could very well be it.  It'd be nice if it wasn't, but I have to respect her desire to not have anything to do with me after we meet.  So if that's what she wants, that's what she'll get.  She can control our relationship in the sense that it takes two to be in a relationship of any sort.  She can't control my other relationships though.  Those are mine and mine alone.

With a little luck, next week will go well and things will fall into place.  I hope and wish and pray that it does.  Maybe I'll just borrow some of the luck from my Irish family to get through it :-)

Hockey Tournament Mind Blown

My adoptive family is a hockey family.  My mom's family hails from Boston and if you weren't aware that Boston is a hockey town, then I'm letting you know that it is.  My uncles all played hockey growing up and all had a decent amount of skill.  All of my cousins (myself included) tied on their first ice skates once they could walk.  I remember being three and learning how to skate (and I was a "late bloomer" in our family).  Skating lessons followed for years.  I chose the figuring skating route, but most of my cousins (girls included) have chosen to play hockey.  And here's the thing.  They are all amazing at it.  My four year old cousin just got her first skating medal this month.  She's four.  A medal.  And not a participation one either.  When I say they are amazing, I mean it.

Here's another thing about my adoptive family.  My mother is one of eight siblings.  There is not one sibling who lives further than one hour away from my mother's parents.  Not one.  There are 23 first cousins.  Only one lives more than an hour away (and is planning on moving back soon).  Two of us went "away" for school and we've both moved home.  That's just how we are.  Two of my aunts are neighbors.  Not like in-the-general-area neighbors, but honest to goodness next-door-sharing-property-lines neighbors.  And my grandparents about a mile away.  And we live seven minutes up the street.  And my other cousins are 12 minutes in the other direction.  To say we're close is an understatement.

How are the two related?  Well, my cousins are amazing at hockey.  Which means that they've all been making their high schools' varsity teams since they were freshmen.  And because they live close, but in different towns, the two teams end up playing each other.  A lot.  And because it's fun to watch, the rest of the family shows up for support.  And to give them credit, my cousins are incredibly supportive of one another, even when their teams are playing each other.  I have some great photos I took at the games this season of all three boys on the ice at the same time.  How amazing!  I've watched them pond skate since they were little kids so it's not an unusual sight, just a different one as they were wearing different jerseys this time.

I've been going to a lot of the games lately because it is tournament time.  I have cousins on two different teams, plus my home town is in the same league.  So I've been cheering them on, driving an hour to the rink after work and on weekends, and screaming for hours as one team and then another would play.  Sadly, that journey has come to an end for one team, but not before they took out my hometown.  I was actually cheering against my hometown.  Weird.

So I was looking back through the pictures and reflecting on the season they had.  This particular team is losing nine seniors and will probably have to build themselves back up.  Their amazing goalie is graduating, a tough loss for the team next year.  I was looking over the bracket, amazed at how far they'd come.  I saw where they beat my hometown, where they beat another, and where they finally fell.  They were the top team going into the tournament which I knew, but never really thought about.  As a side note, the other team won the tournament.  Great talent I know!

Gee, I wonder how my team ranking coming into the tournament?  Down the list I go.  Wow, there's a lot of teams on here!  Oh look!  There's my hometown!  Only 1, 2, 3... 6 from the bottom.  Wait a minute.  Wait just one minute!  What team was that three from the bottom?  Oh.  My.  God.

My sisters' school was in the tournament.  The high school that both of my first parents graduated from.  The school that KungFuPanda is about to graduate from.  And where Sandlot plans on attending next year.  There they were.  Right there.  Lost in the preliminaries.  But still.  Could you imagine the possibilities there?  What a small world.  What if they had made it to the game against my cousins?  Stranger things have happened.  What if my sister and I had both been at that ice rink at the same time?  What if my first parents had?  They are proud alumnus after all.  Freaky.  As in twilight freaky.

Even though they were in the same tournament, it turns out that my cousins never played my sister's school.  Neither did my hometown.  But still.  I was not expecting to see them in the same bracket and it threw me for a major loop.  Our paths could have crossed.  When I was driving home from the game the other night, I probably did cross paths with my first father.  We were on the same highway at the same time, me on my way home and him on his way to work.  I'm never on that particular highway ever, so it was sort of unnerving knowing that he was probably just ten minutes behind me.  So many what ifs and possibilities.

Nervous

This is where I am in my mind

I'm back to listening to my white noise of the beach.  I'm back to taking deep breaths and trying to calm myself with herbal tea.  My schedule has been awful this past week for running and I'm realizing how much I need it now.  I need to run.  It's making a much bigger difference than I realized and I can't handle this stress without it.  And what kills me is that it has nothing to do with my adoption or anything that I can control.

My adoptive family is fantastic.  They are wonderful.  They have my back.  I love them so much.  And some of them are hurting right now.  Badly.  And there's nothing I can do about it except to be there for them.  So I am.  I'm there.  I'm present.  I offer hugs when they want it.  I offer an ear if they need it.  And I back off and disappear if they need that too.  I wish I could wrap my arms around them and make the hurt go away.  I wish for that so badly.  But I can't, so instead I drive an hour to a hockey game and cheer as loudly as I can from the stands and take pictures to remind them of their glory days once we've gotten past this mess.  And I take a deep breath as life continues on.  C'est la vie.

My relationship with Rudy has evened out again.  All relationships have some ups and downs.  We needed to readjust and we did.  We wrote out a list of things that we need to work on and get better at and we're sticking to the list.  I'm really lucky to have found such a great guy who is willing to do things like that for me.  Especially when that means some sacrifices on his part.  I wish he didn't have to sacrifice as much as he does, but it happens.  We grew up two hours apart.  We call two very different places home.  We can't do anything about that.  So we must learn to deal with it and make the best decision we can, realizing that not everyone is going to be happy.  Because that's just how it is.  And other people don't get a say.  As my grandmother would say, "I'm just saying..."

I can't make everyone happy about our decision to live together in Massachusetts in the near future (as in within the next year).  I learned a long time ago that I can't live my life for other people, I can only live it for myself.  I'm tired of making decisions based on what other people think.  It's time to do what's right for me and Rudy, rather than what's right for our parents or grandparents.  It's just a stressful position to be in to feel like I have to defend our decision to live here.  It shouldn't need to be defended.  I shouldn't need to tell people the why.  Rudy and I decided.  End of story.  And the thing is, people know that my mom is sick.  They maybe don't know how sick she is, but I shouldn't have to defend the decision to spend any of her remaining time with her.  People should get it.  They should get that my mom has terminal cancer and so I don't want to move away from her.  It's stressful for me to even think about.

Deep breaths.  Calming sounds.  Warm showers with fancy soap.  Running (lots and lots of running).  I will get through this.

Missing Branches

My "Branch"

If you've been following along, you know that I've been doing a lot of research on Ancestry.com these days.  I got an account about a year ago and I've kept up my membership.  I've had a few people ask me why I keep up the membership.  After all, didn't I find my information already?  The membership doesn't keep the tree, it just allows you access to search the records.  If I cancelled my membership, I'd still keep my tree and everything that's in it right now.  The answer to that question is because new stuff comes up all the time.  I'm always amazed when new leaves appear.  I go through my trees (I have four) all the time and look for new information.  Sometimes there is, and sometimes there isn't.  The newest thing for me is that a lot more people are joining the site so there are more trees to compare mine too.  That's how I found my most recent discovery and was able to trace back my paternal grandmother.  It was pretty amazing actually.

One of my paternal aunts made her tree public, as did one of my paternal cousins.  This is what lead to my history lesson that lead me back to 1419 in France.  How cool is that?  Anyway, I was able to figure out who was who on her public tree.  Anyone that's still alive is marked private (but you can tell their gender), but it wasn't too hard to figure it out due to my first father's family situation (which is different compared to the cookie cutter family picture we imagine when we tend to think of "family").  Anyway, I wasn't listed.  My aunt doesn't know I exist, so it was a natural thing.  Yet, it still shook me.  I'm not sure why it did.  But there it was.  Proof that they don't know about me and don't acknowledge the girl they don't know about.  It was an inaccuracy they won't know about for a while longer.  And it was on paper.  I guess before, it was all theoretical.  This time, I have proof.  Hmm.

I'm the missing branch on their family tree.  This naturally got me to thinking more about it.  I did trace things pretty far back.  The further back I went, the more chance that something wasn't quite right with the dates or the names.  Names slowly changed over time.  Letters were dropped and added.  First names were changed to make them less ethnic.  It's not a new practice, but interesting to see in action.  I wondered how many missing branches there could be.  How many adoptees in the family could be floating around out there?

I couldn't help but think that maybe someday, I'll turn into a full blown branch of the family tree.  I could go on to have children and they will have an accurate tree.  That's one of my major reasons for doing all of this.  I want my children to have what I never did.  I plan on having a family tree in any future children's baby books.  Rudy has one in his, and I want that for any future children I may have.  In theory, I would have children who would go on to have children, who would have children etc.  That's just how life continues on.  And should my branch continue to grow, I have to fight to make sure that the information stays accurate.  Public records will show be as the daughter of my mom and the Grinch, not SinginInTheRain and NeverTooLate.

My aunt's didn't contain me.  It really has me thinking a lot about missing branches.  I think about all my fellow adoptees who do not yet have their answers.  I've been very lucky to learn my truth, and my family will know that truth eventually.  Right now I'm waiting for my sisters to grow up a bit, but my tree will go public eventually.  And perhaps my aunt or my cousin will start asking questions when they realize that there's another tree out there, only that one has three girls listed as children of their youngest brother/uncle and sister-in-law.  I have a feeling that's how I will probably come out in my family.  It's my way of not breaking the promise I foolishly made not to contact anyone else in my family.  I wouldn't be contacting them, just leaving myself open to be found.  My sister turns 18 next month... Who knows?

My Heritage On Paper

Rudy and I were driving around the other day when an interesting topic came up.  We drove through this town and Rudy commented that three out of five people in the town were of Irish decent according to census data.  We laughed over what St. Patrick's Day must look like in the town.  And then I started to think.  Both of my adoptive parents are of Irish decent.  And legally, I'm their daughter.  And legally, there's no public record of me being anyone else's daughter.  So legally, I suppose I'm of Irish decent.

Only I'm not.  I'm of English decent.  And French decent.  And mostly Portuguese decent.  It took me a long time to figure out what my ancestry was.  I waited over 22 years to have my answers.  So I guess it was just a bit of a blow when I realized sitting in the car there with Rudy that just because I know my truth doesn't mean that everyone else does, legally that is.

Some of my ancestors did come from an island, just not the same island my parents.  My ancestors came from the Azores.  Yet nowhere in any census would you see me reported as Portuguese until I start filling out my own data.  How odd.  I mean, thinking about it, there is no connection anywhere to me belong to that ethnicity. I don't know this for sure because my state won't let me see my  OBC, but I'm pretty sure that I'm listed as Baby [Insert Letter Here] on my original birth certificate.  I don't think that my first father is listed, but I could be wrong about that.  So even if I did get my OBC, I don't know what information is on there or how accurate it is.  Then there's the fact that I'd have to get it unsealed and even then it's not official.  My adoption null and voided my OBC.  My new one has my adoptive name on it and my adoptive parents listed as my natural parents.  As in sharing DNA, which I don't.  There's not a single legal document out there that could stand in a court of law that ties me to my original ancestry.  I'm guessing the only thing I could do to prove where I come from is to get a DNA test.

I've been thinking about it for a while.  I still have a lot of loans to pay off.  It's a pain.  But I'm doing pretty well with them so far and I might try to pick up some side work soon.  So maybe that's something that I need to start saving for.  I think I can have the money set aside by Spring and I could take one of those tests that traces back my maternal line and links me to whatever ancestry I really am.  I may need to keep my eyes open for a special.

I'm not Irish and I have no problem stating that.  I may have an Irish last name, but that's not who I am.  That history belongs to my parents, and my parents alone.  I'm proud of my own heritage and I'm sticking to it.  I respect and value my parents' heritage, don't get me wrong.  I love Irish music, will probably hang an Irish blessing in my future home, and I have Irish jewelry up the wazoo.  Just like I will eventually learn how to make the family Italian sauce (or "gravy") and can bake some mean Italian pastries.  Lucky for me, Rudy's heritage happens to be the same as my adoptive family's heritage.  Funny how that all worked out.  As I said, I respect it and it played a big part of my childhood, but it's not who I am and I'm OK with that.  I'm just glad that now I know my own heritage and I can be thankful for that.  Even if the government has no way of knowing...

Family Stuff

I've been doing a lot of family stuff lately.  My cousins have been busy with sports and I've been in the stands cheering them on.  It's been a lot of fun and I've been taking lots of pictures.  That's why I haven't been doing Picture Sundays because I've been busy taking photos of my cousins.  I hope to get going with my other photography soon.  I'm a huge fan of outdoor photography and there hasn't been a lot to photograph lately outside.  There are no flowers, no pretty trees, and even no snow.  Just blah.  Hopefully spring will get here soon!

I was really lucky and got to hang out with one of my uncles this past weekend.  I haven't seen him as much lately so it was a lot of fun to watch Saturday Night Live with him and play with his dog.  We had some good laughs and caught up.  My uncle was there for me as a kid a lot and stepped up to teach me about sports when I showed an interest.

I also got to spend some time with Rudy's family this weekend too, which is always a lot of fun.  It's so cool to see another family's dynamic and to sort of find a way to fit in.  His family is awesome and it's great that I got to hang out with them for a bit.  It's very interesting for several reasons.

For starters, I'm not like the people in my adoptive family.  Sure, we have a few similarities.  But because I'm supposed to be "one of them", the differences are glaring.  Out of the twenty-three cousins on one side, I think three of us have dark hair.  And the other two are very young and weren't around when I was growing up.  I have a different skill set, and I act differently than my adoptive family.  My adoptive family is amazing and I wish I could be more like them at times.  It's taken a lot for me to realize that it's OK to be different.  Now I'm slowly learning how to embrace the differences and to love myself for my uniqueness in my family.  I'm not the only unique one and I'm learning to love it.

Now, when it comes to Rudy's family, I'm not expected to be like them.  I'm not "one of them" in the sense that I am supposed to fit in immediately into the family.  They get that I'm different, that I have another set of genes, that I'm not supposed to act as if "born to" them.  Instead, they expect me to be different, to act differently, and to think differently.  There's no pressure.  I like them a lot, they like me, and we get along really well.  I don't have to "fit in" and when I do, it's even better.  We share a lot of laughs and good times.  And at the end of the day, I usually leave smiling (except when my team blows a big game, but we're not going to go there, and that has nothing to do with Rudy's family).

It's interesting to see how that all comes into play.  Rudy's family is a lot like my adoptive family in certain ways and its been fantastic for me to be around that without any added pressure.  It makes for a nice visit when we manage to make it up to see them.

I'm "That" Adoptee - The "Hairdresser" Conversation

My Attempt at a Hairdresser Picture

Once you've been around adoption blog land for a bit, or you participate in adoption forums, or you have any conversations with anyone about adoption, you usually hear a pretty similar story.  It comes from all over.  Sometimes it comes from a person without a major adoption connection.  Other times it comes from an adoptive parent or a first parent.  It's what I like to call the "hairdresser" conversation.  You know, the one where the other person says "Well my hairdresser's cousin's friend adopted a little girl and she's happy as can be!  There's nothing wrong with adoption; you must have just had a bad experience."  Yes, people actually say things like that to adoptees.  Because one adoptee is happy, then that means that adoption is always a good thing and all adoptees should feel that way.  Or that the ones who aren't happy just came from bad situations.

But the thing is, not all adoptees like to talk about that painful part of their lives.  I don't.  I don't like to bring it up around my adoptive family if I can help it.  I have several reasons.  For starters, members of my adoptive family with the exception of my sister and I are biologically related to each other.  They know what it's like to be raised by people who they look like, act like, and share history through blood.  My mother's heritage is their heritage too.  Same with my dad's side.  They know they look like Aunt Jane on this side or that their nose comes from Uncle Fred.  To them, that's what family is.  I may not look like them, but I was raised that way.  So to them, they know how I was raised and what kind of family I have because it's their family too.  But they don't get that huge difference between us.  They don't get that I'm not Irish and Italian.  They don't get how I felt excluded when they'd talk about how they all look the same or laugh the same (they all have the exact same laugh).  I'm so happy they don't feel that way.  I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone, let alone people I love.  So they can be supportive (and they are so supportive), but they are never going to understand.  They don't get what I went through growing up in that family.  And the biggest part is that I don't want to hurt them.  I don't want them to think that they aren't good enough for me.  I don't want them to think that they did anything wrong because they haven't.  They didn't pick this for me either (as in my extended adoptive family) but they have done everything they could to welcome me as if "born to".  They have loved me from the beginning and been there for me.  They are a great family, and they're my family.  But I have another family too, and I wanted to find out about them.  I don't want my family to have to deal with the issues and pain that I do have from this whole situation.  So I don't bring it up.

If you were to ask a family member of mine, chances are they would tell you that I'm happy with being adopted.  I have a large family and not everyone knows that I've searched and found.  So there are relatives of mine that would say that I never felt inclined to search.  They'd be wrong.  They could say the same about my adoptive sister, but they might be wrong again there too.  My parent's friends don't all know.  My parents did not broadcast it, and really, my search and reunion doesn't come up very often with them.  So if one of them told their hairdresser about me, they'd say something like "Oh, my friends adopted a little girl and she's very happy to be adopted.  She's never searched and she's an engineer now and doing very well!"  Sigh.  They don't know my inner brain, and they don't know what's going on in my personal life.  And that's OK.  But I'd be upset if I found out that I was being used in a conversation like that and completely misrepresented.

There are adoptees out there who are happy about their adoptions.  I've met a few.  And I firmly believe that it's up to them to feel however they feel about it.  But that being said, its not everyone.  And honestly?  I'd rather those people speak for themselves in a safe environment.  Being adopted is deeply personal.  It's like talking about your sex life with a random person in a very public place.  Most people don't do it.  They talk about stuff like that with people who they are very close with and in a private place.  And then there are those who blog about it.  I blog publicly but I keep things private as much as I can.

So yes, the girl who blogs about her issues and challenges and pain publicly is the same adoptee that these hairdressers are probably talking about.  You never know someone's story until you talk to that person.

The Darker Side of Reunion

Sometimes people tend to forget that there were unintended consequences for me when I entered into reunion.  Obviously being adopted in the first place had some major consequences (my name, identity, family, friends, history, etc).  But my reunion sparked it's own set of consequences, some of which I think its easy not to think about. (Note: this is about my reunion. These are my consequences.  Not all reunions are like this)

For starters, I opened up to my family about my reunion.  It started with my parents and my sister.  My adoptive parents at first were supportive, but it's strained our relationship.  I've noticed that I've been treated differently since I told them I had found my biological family.  The Grinch felt betrayed.  My mom was hurt I hadn't included her in the search.  Both of them struggled with what my reunion meant to them, and to me.  They both worried about me, knowing the back-story that I didn't.  And my sister seemed OK at first, and then became jealous of both my sisters (just the fact that she had to share me with two people I've never met) and my reunion in general.  We went from being close to barely speaking and borderline hating each other.  She's finally starting to come around, but it's been a rough few years and I've had to get through them without my sister.

As I opened up to my extended family, they were supportive.  They still are.  But it's not something that they understand or really want to.  It's not discussed.  Things do get a bit more tense.  I do get treated a little bit differently.  And I notice.  Or maybe it's just my perception that's changed.  Maybe it isn't them, maybe it's me who treats things differently.  Either way, it's a consequence of my reunion.  While still close to my family, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in all the time, rather than just every once and a while like when I was a kid.

My reunion changed my relationship with Rudy.  Rather than being able to focus on us, I've had to spend a lot more time focusing on myself.  More time than I'd like.  While I know that it's better for us in the long run if I deal with this now, it's frustrating sometimes to spend so much time and energy on my reunion.  I've invested a lot of my life in these relationships that are still secret on their end.  And that's a lot to handle.  I'm so fortunate to have a supportive boyfriend.  And he's been amazing.  But I would still much rather spend the time I've spent on two failed reunions with my boyfriend and other friends.

There are a lot of positives too.  I don't want to discredit them.  I've met some fantastic people.  I've been inspired by the stories I've read.  I better understand myself, and I don't feel so alone.  Knowing my truth and my history has been an amazing things.  Before all this started two years ago, I had no idea where I came from.  I was ashamed of a history I didn't know.  I didn't know who I looked like.  I didn't know my own birth story.  I felt like I didn't know who I was as a person.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  I would search and contact all over again if I had the choice knowing what I know now.  I wouldn't hesitate.

But overall, there were a lot of things that this reunion has changed in my life because I was open about it.  I took a chance in opening up about it.  I'm glad that I did, but I think that often people forget that when an adoptee opens up about a reunion to adoptive family members and others, it can be a huge challenge and things do change.  It affects a lot of different relationships and it takes a long time to process.  Adoption reunion isn't always rainbows and butterflies.  Sometimes there is a darker side of reunion that gets glossed over.

So it's something to consider.  Something to keep in mind.  Adoption doesn't just affect the adoptee, adoptive parents, and first parents.  It affects extended families, friends, and others.  It affects future spouses, and future children.  And while being open is in my honest opinion the best way to handle things, it doesn't mean that it's always a walk in the park.  For me, I cared enough about my first parents to be open about our relationship and to take the negative consequences with the positive ones.  C'est la vie.

What Do I Call This Limbo?

Am I in a reunion?  Or is it a non-reunion?  Is it a relationship?  How do I define it?

How complicated things seem to have gotten.  I don't even know the status of my own "reunion" or what to call it.  Before, we were talking, texting, and emailing.  We may not have seen each other that much (three times in a year, which is alright considering we live an hour away from each other) but it was still something.

To me, there are people in your life you meet once, you maybe share a moment, and then that's it.  You may never see them again.  Sometimes you meet someone, get to know them, become friends, and for some reason they are no longer in your life after that period of time.  I have friends that I made in England that I never expect to see again.  We were temporary friends.  We knew it at the time.  I have other friends I didn't expect to be  temporary but it happens.  I've given up feeling guilty about that.

Then there are other people I have relationships with.  I have family members I make an effort to see.  This means stopping by after work, checking in, and making plans.  Other family members I make an effort to spend time with when they are in the area.  One aunt lives over an hour away so when she's in town I make an effort to spend time with her.  But I don't stress about it.  She's my aunt.  She's not going to disappear on me.  If I don't talk to her in a month, it's not really a big deal because at some point I will.  She cares about me, I care about her, because at the end of the day we're family.  Other family members and I don't have a meaningful relationship for whatever reason.  What's that they say about not being able to pick your family?

It was very hard for me to define my relationship with my first father.  Extremely hard.  Because he's not my father, not in the same way that the Grinch is.  No matter how frustrated I get with the Grinch, not matter how much we butt heads, he is and always will be my father.  He may not have always been around on a day to day basis when I was growing up, may not ask me how I'm doing, may not act like he cares at times, but deep down I know he loves me and wants me to do well.  And he's the one who worked overtime on the weekends so that I could play soccer, take piano lessons, and grow up in a nice town (though the status of my town is certainly debatable).  That's been pounded into my head from a young age.  He'll always be my dad.  He's the one I told my kindergarten teacher I wanted to marry someday.  And nothing will every change that.  So my first father and I could never fully have a father-daughter relationship because someone else in my life will always have that role.

I'm close with a few of my uncles, one in particular.  My parents were never into sports, but I was.  So I desperately wanted to learn about football, but the Grinch didn't know and didn't care to know.  My uncle stepped up to the plate and taught me everything I know.  I learned about my favorite sport from him, and we'd watch the games together.  Then one day we were hanging out at the beach.  My uncle asked my cousin if he wanted to play catch but my cousin wasn't interested.  I told my uncle that I would, but I didn't know how to throw a football.  My uncle was shocked because he knew how much I loved watching the games.  So he "fixed" that problem.  Rudy still can't get over that I throw a football better than he does.  So my uncle and I are close.  But I don't call him every week.  I don't text him all the time (though I will admit to saving his text messages because they make me laugh).  So my first father and I were closer than that.  In fact, my first father and I didn't have a relationship that was like any of the other relationships in my life.  Very hard to define and hard to figure out.

Now, I don't know what's going on.  I haven't heard back from him after sending my email.  I left things up to him, but I guess he's taking some time to think things over.  We all know what his response is going to be, but now I'm not talking to him.  Or texting.  Or making plans to meet up.  Before I'd ask him for advice.  I'd look forward to our phone conversations.  Now, the thought of dealing with him makes me start to freak out.  I don't want to see him.  I don't want to hear his voice.  I don't want to listen to his excuses.  Don't get me wrong, I'll always love him and my first mother.  They are my biological parents.  They'll always be family.  But I just because I love them doesn't mean that I have to like this situation or even them at this very moment.

I know that eventually my heart will heal.  And I'll move on.  And maybe then I'll want back what I had, even though that's not possible.  Things can never go back.  I trusted him and he destroyed that.  I'll always wonder if he's going to do it again.  That's twice now that he's effectively given me away and chosen a different path, one that doesn't include me.  So for now, I need to focus on healing.  I'm getting there.  Every day that passes, it gets easier.  I'm just being dragged back into this because I sent that email.  And I'm waiting on hearing back.  I think I made a mistake in telling him that I don't mind getting emails.  Because I should have just stopped everything.  It would have been easier.  But I was OK a few weeks ago.  So I'll get back to that point eventually.  Until then, I'll be here, healing.

The Ground Isn't Shaking As Much

I feel better about things.  I made my decision.  The ball is no longer in my court when it comes to reunion at this moment.  While I love being in control, I also hate the stress.  I don't like wondering what I should do and trying to make up my mind.  I forget sometimes how much power I have or that really it can be up to me.  So it's been stressful because I told my first father I'd think about what I wanted going forward and I'd get back to him.

Now that I've responded, I feel a huge weight off my shoulders.  I don't know how he's going to take my response to all of this.  I have a very good guess.  I can see him saying that he either just wants to email or nothing at all.  I don't see him wanting to text anymore if I won't abide by his new contact rules.  So I can see things continuing as just emails for now.  Or not at all.  We'll see.  I'm surprisingly OK with things.  Or I will be once I hear back from him.  We've now passed his normal "I'm writing you a response" time.  As in normally he would have emailed me back at this point.  But I guess I can see why he hasn't.  I took some time to think things through.  So I think he's probably doing the same.  That or he doesn't want to put the final nail in the coffin.  But feels like he has to.  Stinks being the one who has to end things.  But I'll get there.  I'm getting there.  One small step at a time.

We got amazing news about my mom last week.  Her new scans are better than ever.  I'm really happy about how things have been going lately with my mom.  She's doing better.  So much better in fact.  For the first time in months I have hope.  I know things won't stay like this forever.  Her cancer isn't curable.  But it feels like this current treatment is buying her a lot of time, time we didn't think we'd have.  So I'll take it.

My sister is starting to come around.  We were talking about a hypothetical situation (I got into an argument with an aunt over a hypothetical situation and I was telling my sister about the ridiculousness of it all) when she asked about my first father.  She just wanted to know how things were going.  It was a simple question, I gave an honest answer.  I asked her if she ever thought about looking and when she answered sometimes, I offered her help if she ever wanted it.  Then we moved on to a different topic.  It's a small step, but a step none the less.  I'll take what I can get.

I keep telling myself that things have to be bad sometimes for the good things to seem extra special.  That makes a lot of sense when I say it in my head anyway...

Decision Made About Sisters

I know, I know...

I've been thinking a lot about my sisters.  And how far I'm willing to go when it comes to them.  I've gotten a lot of advice.  There is a camp out there who thinks I should wait until they are older and then get in touch with them.  This group says that the girls are young right now (14 and 17) and that I should give them some time to grow up a bit before I come charging into their lives.  And there is another camp (slightly larger) that says I should do it now, because they are old enough, and they deserve to know about me.  So I've been listening to each side, thinking about the options, and trying to figure out what to do.

And in this process, I started to think about what it would eventually look like after they know about me.  And if they wanted anything to do with me.  And no matter how hard I try, I don't see it ending all that well.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe it could be wonderful.  But we have some major obstacles in our way.

For starters, even if they were able to get past the fact they have a sister they never knew about, I could see it being a major challenge to build a relationship with me while still living at home.  I don't have contact with our mother.  She doesn't want to meet me, she doesn't even want to talk about me with my first father, so I don't see that changing any time soon.  If my sisters wanted to discuss me with her, she wouldn't want to.  It would hurt her.  And I don't like the idea of my sisters being put in the middle.

Next up, we were raised very differently.  And I think it would be very hard for them to understand that I wasn't giving a better life, just a different one.  I know that from the outside my life at times looks perfect.  My adoptive family works very hard on appearances.  And I also know that I grew up "lucky".  I didn't have a horrible childhood.  But at the same time, who knows what my life could have been with my biological family?  And honestly, I wish I had known them growing up.  I struggle with identity, self-esteem, and relationships because of my adoption.  To a sister who only sees the world in black and white, I can see this being a problem.  I can see jealously in our future, on my part and on theirs.  It's not something that we couldn't overcome, but it would be a major challenge.

Then we have the extended family problem.  My first father does not think it would be a good idea for me to meet his family.  Now, if you know me at all, you know that doesn't mean anything to me.  If I want to get to know them, I'm going to.  So that's not the issue.  I'm an adult.  I can make my own decisions Thank You Very Much.  The issue is more that when my first father's family (and mine) finds out about me, there's going to be a lot of drama.  And my sisters are going to have to deal with all of it.  Which could cause further problems.  And on my first mother's side, we have the grandparent issue.  Because my grandparents were in a position to support her in keeping me and they didn't.  They encouraged the adoption.  But to my sisters, they were the best grandparents in the world.  So I can see that being a major problem as well when dealing with people who are very focused on seeing the world in black and white.  And I can see my sisters being defensive.  Heck, I would be too if I were in that position.

Then again, all of these assumptions could be wrong.  I could meet them, things could work themselves out, and in the end I could have a wonderful relationship with two more sisters.  We don't share a history but if we could get over that, maybe we could share a future.  However, nothing in either of my reunions went the way I had hoped for it to go.  And I honestly can't see it happening, not without my first parents cooperation.  Which I'm realizing the more time goes on, I'm not going to get.

I'm slowly getting used to the idea.  I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I'm letting it go.  It's taken a lot for me to get to this place.  But I'm working hard to grieve the loss of the fantasy and deal with my reality.  Someday they will find out about me.  And maybe we'll talk a few times, even meet a time or two.  But that's probably all that will happen.  And even that might not materialize.  So I'm moving on.  I'm accepting that this is the hand that was dealt to me.

I'm not going to "out" myself to my sisters.  I don't see the point.  I'm not really going to gain anything other than heartbreak.  And I'm not ready for more heartbreak right now.  It's going to take years before I'm in a place for that.  So thank you to everyone who has supported me in this.  It really means a lot to me.

I don't see myself as giving up, just realizing the reality of the situation and getting to a place where I'm ok with that.  It's working well for now.

Trying to Figure Out What Next

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my current situation.  As a summary, my first father and I went from emailing/texting/talking/meeting up once in a while to emailing.  And by emailing I mean he emails me once a week from his cell phone if I'm lucky.  So it's a short email, but he does his best.  Over vacation he emailed me two lines on Christmas and a few more on New Years.  But other than that, things aren't what they used to be.

He ended our reunion except for occasional emails.  I have that with my first mother.  It's not going so hot with her right now.  I don't know what happened but all the progress I thought we'd made ended at the end of September.  So I don't have a lot of hope for an occasional email relationship.  And then a week later, he changed his mind and said we could go back to the way things were, just with some new rules, like I could only text him when he's at work.  I responded back that I needed some time to think things over and wanted to stick with just emails.  I told him I'd get back to him in January.  It's now a week into January and I know he thinks I have an answer for him.  I think I have another few weeks to make up my mind.

In his email this week, he said that he's glad I'm happy (my emails to him are upbeat while I try to figure things out) and that he's sorry again for what happened "before".  And that he hopes things can get back to the way they were.

And that's the thing.  I don't want them back the way they were before.  I'm tired of being a secret.  I don't want to have a relationship with a parent that's defined by rules.  I don't want to have to check the clock to see if it's appropriate to text him (because I couldn't text him after noon).  I don't think I could handle it again if he tried to put the blame on me if something went wrong.  My aunt's favorite saying is true: If something feels wrong, it probably is.  I deserve better than to be someone's secret shame.  I have nothing to be ashamed of. And he made it very clear where I stand in everything.  I don't want to risk getting hurt like that again.

This has been coming for a long time.  I was going to wait until the end of the month, but I don't think I will now that he's brought it up.  So I'm starting to work on an email to him this week.  I'm going to let him know that I want to have a relationship with him as he is my biological father, but I'm not willing to have a relationship with someone who isn't willing to be honest about who I am.  So when he's ready to not hide me anymore, I'm willing to work through things.  But until then, I'd prefer to focus on my life with people who aren't ashamed of me and what I represent.

Nobody else is going to stand up for me.  I'm the only one who can.  And honestly, after the first few weeks (which were really hard), it's gotten easier and easier not to check for messages.  And I've been thinking about it less.  I've had more time to concentrate on other things.  And I've had more time to focus on being happy.  So while this is going to be hard, I know that I'm going to survive it.  And I know that it isn't forever.  Eventually he'll tell my sisters about me.  I doubt I'll have a relationship with them, but it will at least make it so that I don't need to be hidden away anymore.  And then the option is there.  We'll see.

Today's the day my parents brought me home.  It's the day "we became a family".  In my house, it's just my "special day".  I don't see it as the day I was separated from my first parents.  That day was my birthday.  My first parents signed their rights away on New Years Eve of 1987.  What a great way to start over.  Lovely.  Instead, I really do see it as a day I gained a family to replace the one I had already lost.  I'm spending today with my family.  The ones who love me, care about me, and aren't ashamed of me.  I deserve at least that.

Different Sides of Me

It's me!

There are so many different sides of me as a person.  It really all depends on my mood.

Some days I'm a happy person.  I can't stop smiling and I love to laugh.  I crack jokes that really aren't that funny, but the right people laugh anyway because I tried.  Simple things amuse me and I feel high on life.  These days often involve music, lots of music.  And dancing.  And photos.  And people.

Some days, I'm a thoughtful person.  These are days when I tend to be productive blogging.  I like to think things through.  I like to plan.  I'm careful, methodical, and I pay attention to detail.  If I have a problem, I'll plan out several scenarios.  I want to know my options.  I come up with creative solutions.  I discuss with others who know more than I do.  I research.  My computer is my friend.  I'm quiet, lost in thought.

Other days I'm sad.  I'm grieving the loss of the mother I knew.  I'm learning to live with my family again.  I'm missing my partner and the ease we had in college seeing each other every day.  I check my phone for messages every half hour.  I look for distractions.  I watch a lot of TV, read books, and sometimes I even try working out.

Then there are the days when I'm hyper.  I exercise and feel good afterward.  I organize.  Closets get cleaned out, laundry gets done, and to-do lists are made.  I shop for things I need, spend money I shouldn't, and often walk away with something I really should return.  I bounce off walls, I talk on the phone, and I do way too much at once.  Sometimes I'm productive, sometimes I'm not.  I lose my focus, but can often gain it back.  I eat sugar on those days.  It's probably not a good idea.

Let's not forget when I'm in my control mode.  I am a go-getter.  I make things happen.  I take a crappy situation, find a solution, and go for it.  I thrive off actions.  I'm productive.  I explain to people what they need to do to get things done.  I take complete charge.

And sometimes, just sometimes, I'm just me.  I'm the girl who takes care of everyone else but just wants someone to take care of me.  I'm the girl who spends a vacation planning another vacation, only the next one is with a special someone.  I'm the girl who loves Dunkin Donut's Raspberry Iced Tea.  I'm the girl who lives to dance and laugh, letting the music take over.  I love my family, enjoy my friends, and adore my dog.

I am all of these things, all of these sides of my personality.  My personality at times can be like New England weather.  If you don't like it, wait until tomorrow; it will change.

Vacation Recap

I need a vacation from my vacation!  I got a lot accomplished, but not nearly enough.  I did however watch lots of TV.  While a part of me thinks "What a waste of a week" another part of me is happy I got to relax.  I saw lots of friends, loads of family, and had a great time overall.  I even took a trip to Connecticut to see Rudy which is a coin toss.  This time it was a fantastic visit, even though the air mattress I was sleeping on got a hole in it so I woke up in the middle of my last night on the floor.  Oh well!

Rudy and I made a game time decision and decided not to go to Times Square.  Instead, we sat around watching TV and movies all day in our PJs.  I can now say I've seen three of the four Die Hard movies (Live Free or Die Hard is still on my list).  Thanks to a new Netflix account I now have a way of slowly getting through my list of movies.  We also discovered Storage Wars.  It's pretty epic.  Though I do think it would be weird to go through someone else's stuff like that after buying a storage locker.  I can't get over it.  If you have something of major value in your storage locker and you were falling behind in your payments, why wouldn't you sell something to come up with the money to pay for it?  I've only seen a few episodes but one locker contained items estimated at $90,000.  That's a lot of money!

My friends and I had some great times too.  We went out a few times and hung out like we used to before we all had jobs.  What a nice life we all had back then!  One of my friends got great news this break too.  She not only got the job she applied for (how exciting!) but her boyfriend passed a major test and is able to move forward with his career.  So it was a good vacation for her.  My other friend started a new job after two years of searching.  While it's hard to be the new girl, she's adjusting well and finally doing what she went to school for.  So it was fantastic to see her and hear all about it.

We had a bunch of family parties this break too.  I saw the majority of my cousins (which is no small task as I have 27 of them...), aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  Next weekend I have another family party as three of my cousins will be playing in the same high school hockey game (on different teams no less!).  So there's been loads of extended family time.  Which is fun.  I'm sure after next weekend though I'll need a break!

Back to work and back to normal life I guess.  Did everyone have a great holiday season?

2011: A Year In Review

Looking back on the year 2011, it was a big year.  It was filled with hidden joys, big challenges, and several life changing events.

In the month of January, I started blogging.  It was something that I wanted to try for a long time but it wasn't until January that I took that plunge.  This was also the month when I reached out to my first mother to try to start over, and was then ignored.  And I started my last semester of college.  We can't forget that one!

In February, I planned my first face to face.  I put together a book with all my emails and everything I knew about my first parents.

March was a fun month and a life changing one.  At the beginning of the month, I met my first father for the first time.  It was the first time I've met someone I'm biologically related to.  It was the first time I saw myself reflected in someone else.  Talk about unsettling!  As if that wasn't enough, my mom and I went on vacation together to Punta Cana.  We had the best time and I know it's something that I'm always going to look back on and smile.  What a busy month!

April was hard.  For starters, my sister and I got into a huge fight.  She wasn't supportive of me meeting my first father and was hurt that I hadn't told her sooner.  Then life changed completely when we learned that my mother had another brain tumor, only this time looked different from her last time.  I moved home the last week of the month.

May got harder.  My mother had four brain surgeries in three weeks.  She was diagnosed with brain cancer and her tumor was deemed inoperable.  I met my first father again, and this time went a little better.  We actually relaxed and had fun hanging out.  And then I graduated college with my bachelor and masters degrees, an event that my parents watched on a laptop in the ICU back in Boston.

June rolled around and my mom started her chemotherapy and radiation.  My life became all about my mother as I tried to adjust to living at home.  Lost Daughters started.  I saw Taylor Swift with my cousin, a girl who is like a sister to me.

July saw the end of radiation for my mom and a break in chemotherapy.  I got a job offer which I accepted and my mom and I went on vacation for a week on Cape Cod.  It was my last month of freedom before starting my job.  My first father started texting me, something that we hadn't really done before.

August started with my job.  Literally, my first day was August 1st.  It was a huge adjustment for me.  My first father started a short trend of sending me videos from his new phone.  Various summer fun was had by me and my boyfriend on the weekends.  August was anything but a lazy summer.

September rolled around and I got a new computer and a new phone in the same week.  I settled into work and my boyfriend started his job (so started spending less time with me).  I jumped on Twitter and tried to improve my blog.  I decided to be more open in my life about my reunion and stop treating it like a huge secret.

October brought more changes.  I started my Picture Sunday postings.  My attempt to be more open blew up in my face.  Steve Jobs died, and the Internet blew up with adoption stories.  My mother spent another week in the hospital.  My first father came up to visit me on my birthday and told me that he was thinking about telling my first sisters about me.

November was hard.  My first father told me he wasn't ready to tell my first sisters, which I was OK with because of the other insanity going on in my life.  I bought a new camera.  My cousin got married and my entire adoptive family got together to celebrate.  I had my high school reunion.  I nearly moved out of my house.  I sent my first father a text message that was spotted by my older kept sister.

December brought more changes.  My first father ended our reunion, except for an occasional email.  He changed his mind a week later after talking to my first mother who stood up for me.  I opted not to continue with reunion under his new rules, but to get back in touch in the new year.  I prepared for Christmas by myself.  The year came to a close.

What a year...  It feels like January was a lifetime ago!

Goals for the Week

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!  Today continues my vacation that I started last Friday.  Thanks to my company giving us all some time off (Friday and today, plus the Monday after New Years) and my remaining vacation time, I'm able to enjoy this whole week off (which turned out to be 11 days).  So ten points to me!  I have a few goals for this very busy week.

My first goal is to clean out the trunk of my car.  It's full right now.  Mostly with jackets, shoes, and books.  So I need to bring in all the jackets and hang them in the closet, put the shoes away in the bin under my bed, and get the books back into the bookcase.  That's the plan for today.  I know I can get it done!

My next goal is to order my new dresser.  My dad took my old one for the guest bedroom and promised to buy me a new one, one that I can take with me when I move.  So I picked out the one I want, I just need to order it online using my dad's credit card.  That's another goal that I think I can accomplish today.  I'm determined.

I'm pretty sure I can get both of these things done in time to go visit with an old friend.  She was my neighbor growing up (and my mentor's daughter).  I was the flower girl in her wedding.  Her oldest daughter just got into college this month (and is the same age as KungFuPanda).  I didn't know this until recently, but her husband is an adoptee.  Go figure...  We've been trying to meet up forever but it just hasn't worked out.  Seeing her is a top goal for the week!

Tomorrow I have the annual Christmas party for my mom's side of the family.  The kids do a gift grab and the adults do a Yankee Swap.  It's pretty funny.  One of my uncle's in notorious for stopping somewhere to get a gift card on the way to the party where the rest of us plan for weeks as to what to get.  Naturally everyone wants the gift card he buys and his gift is the most popular swapped item.  Nice...

Wednesday is my "down day".  My mom had a baby book that she made for me.  It's all about my adoption with cute baby pictures of me.  I have mixed feelings about it.  Some of the language isn't so great to deal with but at the same time, it's a part of my history.  My mom used to read it to me as a bedtime story.  A few years ago the pages started to yellow so my mom ripped it apart to save the pictures.  She promised to put it back together again but never got around to it.  I found a few websites that will let me put it back together again as long as I scan the photos.  No more yellow pages!  So the goal for Wednesday is to put the book back together again online and order it.  My mom is going to help me so it should be a lot of fun to spend some time with her.

Thursday I will probably go to Connecticut to spend some time with my "school" family.  It ought to be a fun time.  I'm planning on celebrating New Years in Times Square (I'm crazy I know) and coming home Sunday night.  That leaves Monday to finish anything that I didn't get done over the week.  It's not much of a vacation (though the weekend will be) but I put so much off for "when I have time" that I really need to get done this week to start the year off right!

Wish me luck!  I'm going to need it...

Merry Christmas!

I wanted to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas!  I hope that you are all having a wonderful day with your families if you celebrate, and a wonderful day doing something you love if you don't.  I hope for my Jewish readers out there that you are enjoying your Hanukkah this holiday season.  I hope for all my Kwanzaa celebrating readers out there that you enjoy your holiday traditions tomorrow and for the rest of the week.  If you don't celebrate any of these holidays, then I wish you a good close to the year 2011 and hopeful anticipation for the year 2012!

More pictures to come next week.  For now I'm spending the holiday with my family and friends and enjoying the day.

Merry Christmas

Joyeux Noël

Feliz Natal

(How cool that now I know my ancestry and can wish you all a Merry Christmas in all the right languages?)

This Christmas...

This year is different.  I'm not vacuuming in anticipation of twenty plus people coming to our home.  I'm not spreading the table cloths over the dining room table, the one time a year it gets used.  I'm not frantically wrapping gifts before everyone gets to my house.  And I'm not trying to get it all done in time to change just before heading to Church an hour early so we can get seats together.  Instead, I'm relaxing at home with my family.  I'll still make it to Church, but not an hour early because it's just me and my grandmother this year.  Afterwards I'll come home, we'll have a nice dinner, and we'll end up just spending time together as a family.  It's actually going to be pretty nice.

Rather than focusing on the entertaining part of it all, we're focusing on spending time as a family this year.  Christmas this year isn't about the presents, the decorations, the holiday music, any of that.  It's instead about spending time with the people we love and enjoying the time that we have together.  Who knows what next Christmas will bring.  So for now, I'm going to enjoy this year.  There's nothing wrong with how we used to celebrate, but this year I think it means a little bit more.

Sometimes I think we all get so caught up in the holiday season that we forget what it's really all about.  I'm the biggest offender of this.  So it doesn't surprise me that life found a way to smack me in the face to get me to wake up.  I spent more time this year thinking of others.  When people asked about my Christmas list, I told them what I was doing for my family and friends, rather than what I wanted people to give me.  It's just a difference I've noticed when I compare this year to last.

So as I sit here, looking at our amazing tree (which my sister picked out and decorated), I am thankful for the time that I do have with my family.  I'm thankful for being here with the people I love.  I miss the ones who aren't here, and I always will.  But I'm going to enjoy the holiday for what it is, a gift.  Because who knows what next year will bring.  So I'm going to enjoy today and tomorrow and worry about that another day.

So I wish all of you a wonderful holiday season this year.  Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Solstice, and Joyous Kwanzaa.  And Happy New Year too!

At What Age Is Grown-up?

This is a question I've been thinking about for a while now.  It started at the beginning of my first reunion when I started emailing my first mother.  At 22, I felt this odd, child-like sensation as I would tell her about my childhood and my favorite memories.  It's such a hard feeling to describe, feeling like a small child again looking for Mother's approval.  As time went on, that feeling faded, only to reemerge when I started talking to my first father, though not as bad the second time around.  Listening to other adult adoptees, it turns out that it's not completely unheard of, the regression I was feeling.

Being back at home with my parents has brought this question up again.  My mother does my laundry (her one household chore).  My parents refuse to accept rent from me (when I offered I was laughed at).  A lot of the same rules are in place for me now as when I was in high school, though in some areas I have a bit more freedom.  It's challenging to step back into that role and still maintain that I'm an adult (which I am).  But my parents don't see me that way, so it gets pretty complicated around our house sometimes.

I can own my own car like an adult, work like an adult, get paid like an adult, be treated like an adult when not with my family, but in the eyes of the state and in the eyes of my adoptive family, I'm still a child.  The state sees me as a child in that they won't give me my birth documentation.  Everyone else has theirs, I just can't get mine because they don't trust me as an adult to make what they see as the "right" decision.  My adoptive family (extended now) also sees me as a child, as witnessed this past weekend.

My uncle adopted two daughters later in life.  Their father died when they were young and he helped to raise them.  He was always their "dad" but nothing was official until both girls were in their 30's.  At that point, it was a step-parent adoption because he married their mother the day before they started the paperwork.  So my grandparents have eight grandchildren and four of us are adopted.

My older cousins do not act like cousins, or at least not in the way that I'm used to.  My family is very close.  We all get together on a regular basis (not just the holidays), call each other, support each other, and are there for each other.  My cousins don't call.  They bail on family parties.  They haven't called my mother once to see how she's doing.  They don't call my grandmother.  They don't act like her grandchildren.  So it's a sore spot in our family.  My uncle is insistent that they be treated like everyone else, but they don't treat the rest of us the way everyone else does.  If that makes sense.

My uncle threw a Christmas party last weekend.  A "family" party.  Which was a big deal because even though he lives less than an hour away, nobody's ever been to his house before.  So like an idiot, I called him to get the details.  I do all the planning in our house and I wanted to know what time so we could plan our weekend around it.  Well.  I was told that I wasn't invited.  I could go to a separate party with my cousins on another day.  It was a party for just his brothers and their wives.  Hm.  Ok.  Fast forward to the actual party.  My younger cousins never got the memo they weren't invited.  So they showed up.  I'm so glad that they did!  But here's the kicker.  My uncle's kids were there.  With their kids.  Who are teenagers.  So basically, my uncle threw a party for his brothers, their wives, and his family, and just excluded his nieces and nephews.  But because my cousins showed up, my entire family was there except for my sister and I.

So at 24, my uncle does not see me as an adult.  It was an "adult" Christmas party, yet at 24, and my cousin at 22, were not invited.  So at what age is grown up?  Eighteen?  Well, that included all the cousins with the exception of one.  Twenty-one?  Still includes my cousin and I.  Twenty-five?  Ok, that would make sense, but how do you come up with that number?  What can't I do at twenty-four that I can't do at twenty-five other than rent a car?

Adoptee triggers galore these days.  Seriously.  Not cool.