A Place To Meet?

Maybe a place similar to this?

I still don't know where I'll be meeting my first mother and father.  However, I did finally hear back from him and he's going to call me at the end of the week (I guess tomorrow or Friday... weird).  Deep breaths.  I haven't talked to him since the beginning of December.  Deep breaths.  I can do this.  Before I'd gotten an email back, I mentioned to Rudy that I hadn't heard from either one of them.  His response is exactly why I love him:

"If they don't show, I'm gonna drive down there and give them a piece of my mind!" (said with his cute angry face).

He's the best!  He's got my back in this even though I gave him the opportunity to back out.  I know it's not going to be fun for him.  I know it's probably going to be really awkward.  But even after I gave him an out, he still wants to come.  Though he did admit it's partially selfish.  He wants to meet them too because I come from them.  They are a part of my history, and should we have kids, their history as well.  He wants to meet them himself and see who these people that he's been hearing so much about are.  He's read some of the emails (and some of my responses), seen the pictures, and even seen a video but like me, he wants more.  It's actually really validating to me that I'm not the only one.

My first father said he doesn't think my first mother would "do well" in a coffee shop.  It sounded like he wanted to meet up at the reservation near my house.  As in my hometown.  I don't know if that's a good idea. It took a lot for me to invite him up to see my hometown on my birthday.  We'd met up twice before.  And the situation was a bit different.

My mom wants to meet my first mother.  She's told me so much, and asked if she could come with me way back when I first found my first mother.  I was vague, and pushed everything off because I don't want my adoptive mother there.  Too many emotions to deal with and it's way too much.  I am going to tell her that I'm meeting with my first mother because I made a promise that I would, but I have to be careful about when I do so because my mom's health is so-so.  She didn't care so much when it was my first father.  My first mother is a whole different story.  My adoptive mother cannot be there.  I can't handle it.  Even if I could, my mom's health wouldn't allow her to meet my first mother at this time.  Probably not ever.

I could justify my first father coming to my hometown.  I just can't justify my first mother.  She'd be too close.  It's too personal.  And lets not forget that I can't go there, to their hometown and where I was born.  It feels like a power imbalance.  And after things went south with my first father, I realized that I don't really feel comfortable with the idea of him knowing what my house looks like but I don't know what his looks like.  Or the fact that he's driven by my house (well I was driving but he got to see it) and I haven't had the same opportunity.

I emailed back and asked if we could meet at a different reservation that's about a half hour away from my house.  It's about 40 minutes or so from them, and it would be highly unlikely for us to run into anyone they know there, or that I know there.  There's a little loop around a pond that is less than a mile long, so we could just walk the loop for as long as we wanted.  They have picnic areas there too with places to sit and because it's still March, I don't think many people will be there on a random Monday.  We'll see how he responds to that.  The weather is supposed to be really nice on Monday, although we'll have to wait and see.  If the weather changes, we may not have a choice and might have to meet at a coffee shop.

I think it's time for me to start planning an outfit to wear...

Diving Back In

I've gotten away from my adoption related reading lately.  I ordered a bunch of books, got them, and then my reunion came crashing to a halt back in December.  I put the books away in the back of my closet, and put them out of my mind.  Lately I've found some spare time and things are going a lot better.  I think I'm ready to try another book.  I loved Lost and Found by Betty J. Lifton, so I decided to give Journey of an Adopted Self a shot.  So far I'm loving it!

I think that reading books about adoption while in the right frame of mind is a great exercise.  For me, reading Lost and Found was like a light bulb going off.  All of these complex things that I felt were right there in black and white text published in a book!  I saw my history written for me in a way that I could understand and now verbalize.  And there were things in that book that I didn't identify with either.  No two adoptees are the same though so that made a lot of sense to me too.

Reading that book helped me so much.  It was the right time for me to read it though.  I was going through my reunion and saw how things could end badly after my first mother pulled back.  The fantasy was gone and I was ready to accept the truth, rather than this idea I had built in my head about what adoption is.  I was ready to hear some of the cons.  I'd been working towards that for a while and this book was the final push to make my views more realistic.

When my reunion with my first father was going well, I read those books because it was important for me to understand what was happening in my life.  I'd read that it was nearly impossible to find a good councilor versed in adoption issues.  So it was a way to see from an outside some of the things that were going on in my head.  It helped me so much and it's hard to put into words what it felt like to realize that I was normal.  Well, normal for an adoptee ;-)

Once things fell apart, I couldn't deal with the adoption stuff anymore.  I was still posting here, but it was really hard.  I really struggled back in December.  I was depressed, started battling an eating disorder, and really struggled with the point of it all.  It was a dark time for me.  I had to put everything aside and try to move on with my life.  It wasn't easy.  In January, I made a vow to myself to get better and I started working hard at it.  I stood up for myself with my first father and decided that I was going to take control of my own life.

I made some key decisions and slowly started to pull myself out of the ditch I had found myself in.  It was one of the hardest things I've done in a while, but I got through it.  I finally feel like the bulk of that drama is behind me and I'm ready to move forward.  I'm so much happier these days and I love feeling this way.  I've gained nearly five pounds, which is huge for me.  Things aren't perfect, but they never will be.

Perhaps before I was a bit too obsessive over all this stuff.  Now, I'm at a place where my adoption stuff fits into my life as it should.  It's a major part of my life.  There's no getting away from that.  Just like being a woman is a huge part of my life, or being an engineer.  Adoption will always be a part of who I am.  I can't change that.  But I can embrace it.  That being said, I don't want it to be my whole life.  I think I'm starting to find a good balance for everything.  So I'm going to read this book and see what happens.  I'm liking it so far and I hope to have a review up soon.

I'm Really Going To Meet Her...

It's been a week and I'm still processing that I'm going to meet my first mother.  I always knew that someday I'd meet her, even if it meant that I'd have to show up on her doorstep.  However, this isn't a theory anymore.  This is actually happening.  Like we're going to see each other face to face for the first time.  Ever.  Because she didn't see me when I was a baby.  Wow.  Deep breath.

She wants to bring my first father.  I have mixed feelings for several reasons.  For starters, I've always kept my relationship with her and my relationship with him as separate as I could.  They are two individuals and so I've done my best to treat them that way.  NeverTooLate has come up in conversations with SinginInTheRain, and he's been mentioned in the emails that I sometimes exchange with her.  It's sort of an awkward position to be in but then again the whole situation is awkward so that's nothing new.  Meeting her with him there... well that's going to merge the two.  All three of us are going to share the same experience.  Before the other was merely mentioned, the third did not participate.  This is uncharted territory for all three of us.

My next concern is that I'm still angry with my first father from last December.  I haven't spoken to him since then, though we have emailed a bunch of times since then.  I'll admit to listening to an old voice mail from time to time when I have a hard day.  I'm working so hard on forgiving him, but I know that I'll never really be able to trust him again.  It's so hard for me at times because he really did hurt me, more than I think he realizes.  It's going to be hard for me to see him.  It's going to be hard to put a smile on my face and pretend that I'm happy he's there.  However, I'm scared of what happens if I can't pull it off.  I don't want to give my first parents any reason not to tell my sisters about me.  I'm really hoping that this is going to help speed things up a bit in that regard and I don't want them to think that I hate him.  I don't hate him.  I'm hugely disappointed and hurt.  That makes me angry.  However, I still don't hate him, though I could see people being confused by that.  I'm starting to wonder if I should talk to him on the phone beforehand...  We'll see.

Finally, I'm nervous about the two of them being there to my one person.  As my first father told me several times, if it comes down to me or her, he picks her.  Which I understand.  She's his wife and partner in life.  He's known her forever.  I've dealt with this with my adoptive parents too.  If it was between me and my adoptive mother, my adoptive father would pick my adoptive mother every time.  It's not always the nicest feeling, but it's the truth and I've learned to accept it.  I know that meeting my first mother is going to be emotional for me.  I had a hard time meeting my first father, so I'm expecting it to be a million times harder.  We have so much more history between us and we haven't spoken on the phone.  It will be the first time I will hear her voice since the day I was born.  It's going to be hard and overwhelming.  There's no getting around that.  I have no idea how I'm going to react.  I'm sure this is going to be very hard for her as well.  Only she's going to have him there with her.  She's going to have her life's partner there to hold her hand.  I can't go alone into that situation.

I've asked Rudy to come with me.  For starters, he's been with me through this whole process.  He read my first letter before I sent it.  He held me when I cried when she told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore.  He smiled and laughed with me when I told him that my first father wanted to meet me.  He's spent hours on the phone with me listening to the latest news.  He got angry for me when my first father threw me under the bus.  He was angrier than I was at the time and he helped me to see that the decision my first father made had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with him.  Rudy is my life's partner and my support.  If that isn't enough of a reason, he isn't connected to my adoption the same way that my adoptive family is and therefore won't bring those emotions into the meeting.  His concern with this meeting is because it's so important to me, his girlfriend of five and a half years.  Plus, with him there, I have someone who can distract them if I need a minute to collect myself, and I have someone there who can take a picture!

We're still working out details.  My first parents are on the same page with this and I've already gotten an email from my first father going over a few things.  I didn't think she'd let me know so fast so I assumed that by the time she figured it out we'd be past Rudy's busy season.  He's busy until the end of March and I really need him there with me.  I know I met SinginInTheRain alone, and that was the best choice at the time.  This time is different and I simply need someone else there.  I'm going to make this work.  And I'm not driving.  I'm making Rudy drive.  I'm not letting my nightmare come true!  So right now, I'm waiting for my first parents to give me a date (after Rudy's busy season) and hopefully I'll know within the next few days!  Wish me luck!

Good News!

It's taken me a while to write this post because I've sort of been waiting for the dust to settle.  I'm realizing that's going to take some more time but I really wanted to update my readers who have been so supportive.  Last Friday morning I worked up the courage to send my email to my first mother asking her to meet me.  I figured I'd have to wait the weekend to hear back, but to my shock, she answered me by Friday afternoon.

My first mother has agreed to meet me.  Not only that, but she sounded excited at the idea!  We're still working out details.  She wants to bring my first father with her which I understand completely.  I however do not want to be "outnumbered" so I've asked Rudy to come with me.  His work schedule is a little crazy right now but should ease up at the end of next month.  I didn't think she'd respond back so soon so I didn't think that would be an issue!

I'm thrilled, nervous, excited, scared, you name it, I feel it.  I've waited my entire life for this.  I've wanted to meet her since I was three years old and we adopted my little sister.  That's when it finally became real to me that I had another mother out there somewhere.  I loved my mommy with everything I had, and I still do, but I wanted to meet this woman who gave birth to me.  She was my mother too.

My first mother never saw me at the hospital.  This is the first time we'll be "face-to-face" ever.  I'm on cloud nine and I can't wait until we hammer out the details!  I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say on the subject as time move forward and we figure more stuff out!

Thanks for reading and for being so supportive!

It's All About the Attitude

I'm learning that sometimes it's all about the attitude.  I think my favorite part of philosophy in college was when we learned that there isn't really a reality.  It's all about perception.  No two people perceive the world in the same way.  So there is not one reality, no one right way, no one absolute.  Two people will view the same thing from different perspectives with different past experiences.  I will always view things from the point of view of an adult adoptee who was born and raised in Massachusetts, went to a private college. and has a degree in engineering.  Each life experience also shapes me so I'll see things differently from another adult adoptee born and raised in Massachusetts, who went to a private college, and has a degree in engineering.  So we all see things differently.  If each person sees things from their own perspective, then there cannot be one absolute reality.  Just a blending of how we all see things.  And I'm learning that how I see things is all dependent on my attitude.

I'm super into self-help books these days.  Some of it's crap.  This I acknowledge.  So I read with a skeptical eye.  Sometimes though you stumble across something great.  And those gems are starting to help me through this rough patch.  For starters, I'm starting to accept what happened to me.  I phrase it that was because adoption is not something that I chose.  It was chosen for me.  It happened to me, without my consent.  And there are times when it really does suck.  I love my adoptive family.  Don't get me wrong.  But I wish I was their biological daughter.  I wish I didn't have to deal with these issues.  I wish I could be the same as everyone else.  But I'm not.  And I'm starting to accept that.  It's a process and I'm not 100% there yet, but I'm working on it.

Next, I'm working on my attitude towards things.  I'm learning that I need to be flexible and bend as life changes.  That being said, I'm learning not to bend so far that I break.  It's a fine line and I'm learning how to manage.  I'm learning to accept that life isn't always fair.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people.  I can sit around and feel badly about it, or I can dust myself off, pick myself back up, and move forward.  Being sucked down by something because it's unfair doesn't make things better, it just makes me feel worse.  I'm also figuring out that I need to take care of myself.  Sometimes I tend to put the needs of others first and then dealing with my own needs and wants second.  I need to learn to take care of myself because if I'm not at my best, I can't do much for others (mental note: schedule yearly physical - no more putting it off because Mom's sick).  So I'm working on fixing my attitude.  It's a work in progress, but then again, isn't that what life's about?

My new favorite saying is that I'm a work in progress.  I'll always be growing and learning and changing.  Life isn't static.  I'm trying to maintain a good attitude about everything.  There are certain things in life that I can't change, so the only thing in my control is my attitude.

Exercising!

Looking at my life, it's pretty clear to me that I need to make a change.  Exercise used to be a legit part of my life.  When I was a kid, I was always in a sport.  Always.  I played soccer in the fall and spring, skied in the winter, played softball in the spring, and swam in the summer.  Plus there was bike riding, running around, you name it, we did it.  And of course there was the ever present dance.  I used to dance at least three days a week, reaching the five days a week level at one point.  For hardcore dancers that's nothing, but I wasn't a hardcore dancer.  So basically I had lots of exercise.

At one point, I had to learn how to run for soccer.  They used to make us run about three miles during practice a few days a week.  Good conditioning they would tell us.  For me it was a bit pointless because I was the goalie who never really had to run anywhere.  But at least I could run there fast!  Then eventually I gave up soccer (it got way to competitive and I didn't like my teammates), gave up softball because I never really liked it, and wasn't as active during the summer because I had jobs.  Then after high school I stopped dancing.  I tried to get back into it after a year but it just didn't work out.  I think the thing was that all my activities ended slowly so I didn't realize that I'd eliminated most exercise from my daily routine until it was a huge problem.

Two years ago I decided to make a change.  It was right around the time of my first reunion and I knew that something had to give.  I wasn't sleeping, and I was constantly on edge.  My stress level was through the roof and I couldn't handle my life.  I found my first mother and while that helped a little bit, I was sent into the spinning vortex that is reunion.  And I had a lot of free time on my hands.  So I got a Wii Fit.  And I started working out everyday.  And then I started to feel better about myself.  I didn't think I could get in shape using a Wii Fit but it was perfect for me and what I was trying to do.  I actually noticed a difference.  And then the summer hit and I gave it up until I could go back to school.  When I went back, I had a job.  Between my nearly full time job and more than full time graduate program, I didn't have time to sleep, let alone exercise.  So out of shape I fell again.

Now that I'm just working full time (no more school!) I've been trying to think of ways to be more healthy.  I tried the Yoga thing and did OK with it, but it wasn't enough exercise for me to get all my pent up energy out.  I'm taking a dance class which is really intense (an hour of tap dancing - trust me it's not easy!) but that's only one day a week, and it's not enough.

So I decided that I'm going to start running.  Before this turns into yet another thing I start but don't finish, I did my homework.  I figured out the best way to start training (running for 30 seconds to a minute, and then walking for two minutes for about a half hour).  If I run three days a week (totally doable with our treadmill in the basement) I think I can be in decent running shape in about three weeks, as in I should be able to run for about ten minutes.  Once I get to that point, I can start working towards my new goal, to run a 5K.  There's a 5K in May that I have my eye set on.  It's two towns over and the registration fee isn't bad at all.  I think I can do it.  I'm going to give it my best shot anyway.

I'm hoping that running will become fun the way that it used to be.  It's not fun for me when I start out.  I don't like trying to get into shape.  But once I'm there, it becomes so much fun that I look forward to it.  Or so I remember.  So I want to get to that point.  I'm going to give it my best effort.  We'll see how this one goes...

Learning to Relax Again

I've tried this before and failed miserably, but I'm deciding that I'm going to be happy from here on out.  I'm going to work harder at getting to a better place than I'm at right now.  I'm determined to do it.  I can't keep living like this, and I'm going to deal with it and move on.  So I'm going to try to stay positive, and make some changes in my life to reduce my stress.  I've been browsing around on the web looking for tips and I figured I'd share some of the things I've been doing in my life in an effort to feel better.

Deep Breathing
Megan over at Earth Stains posted this gem a few months back.  I've been practicing and oh boy does it help a lot!  This method of deep breathing is something that I can do anywhere.  When I feel particularly stressed, I start a cycle of this at my desk.  I close all the windows on my computer (leaving only the relaxing background), relax my muscles, focus my eyes on a blank wall in my cube (if I'm not at my desk I close my eyes), and focus on my breathing as I recite the numbers in my head.  I block everything else out other than my breathing to the count.  It's so soothing and it helps me to calm down.  I've learned that deep breathing is a great way to relax and to relieve anxiety.  I highly recommend you check it out.

Organized To-Do List
I've been learning how to better organize my to-do list.  I wish I still had all the wonderful links but I have yet to organize enough to keep track of them!  Basically, it's helpful to keep things written down.  It lessens my anxiety and gives me a place to look when I need to figure out what I should be doing.  I tend to let things stack up and then I worry about them.  By making a to-do list, I'm able to stop worrying about forgetting to do something.  Everything I need is on my list you see...  But a to-do list isn't good enough to cut it for me.  It has to be organized.  Some tips include making things specific (rather than writing "Do Christmas Shopping" I wrote "Go to CVS Saturday to purchase doll for Katie"), organize them by priority (things with higher priority go near the top so I don't loose them in the list), keep separate lists for short term vs long term (certain items are long term goals and I don't want them cluttering up my list everyday), and make sure items move on the list (the point of the list is to get things done; therefore I expect myself to finish at least three things per day and to add new ones as they come up).  Microsoft OneNote has really helped me to work on this goal and it's helped me to be more successful and productive lately.  It's also decreased my anxiety level because I keep a separate list of everything I've accomplished in the past week so I can feel proud of my accomplishments and feel like the list isn't a mountain to climb over.

Headphones
My desk at work isn't in the most ideal place.  It's across from the office printer.  That's right folks.  Every time someone in our department of about seventy-five people prints something, I sit there and listen to the printer.  It's annoying.  And then they walk over to get their printed paper.  And sometimes they bring a friend.  And they talk.  It's maddening.  So I brought my noise reducing headphones to work and put all my music on my phone.  And so the music helped.  But I found that I got distracted by it sometimes.  And I don't always have relaxing music on my phone.  Then I realized that I have a white noise app on my phone that has the sounds of waves crashing on the beach!  The beach is my happy place, and where I feel most relaxed.  Now I listen to the ocean while I'm at work.  I still hear the printer in the background, but the sounds in my headphones help to relieve some of the stress and keep me focused.

Screen Brightness
I lowered the brightness of all my computer screens (yes, I have more than one).  I don't need to be looking at a glaring screen all day if I can read it fine without the bright lights.  The bright light of the screen isn't the greatest for your eyes and it was starting to give me headaches.

Walks
My breaks are now dedicated to walking around the office.  The act of walking around and getting out that pent up energy has started to really help me.  Can I really get in good exercise from walking around work?  Well my building is sort of a half of a mile long from end to end.  And I happen to work on one end.  While I don't have time to walk the mile down and back on a short break, I have plenty of room to walk around and to change some scenery.

Reading
Reading is another stress reducer that I've given another try.  Rather than watching TV before bed, I've started to read.  I've had problems with this before (I tend to get caught up in a good book and can't put it down, thus not sleeping when I should be) but now I'm trying really hard just to stick to two chapters a night (depending on a book).  I heard on the radio that reading is the best stress reliever, and that it's better than watching TV.  I just finished one of my books and I really need to get going on another one.

Well there you have it, some tips and tricks I've been following to help reduce my anixety and to lead a less stressful life!

Follow Up: NeverTooLate

Thank you all for your support these last few weeks.  I've gotten lots of feedback (and not just here).  I was really nervous last week about posting about potentially forcing NeverTooLate's hand.  I was afraid of what a lot of first mothers and adoptive parents would think about that idea.  I figured that no first mother would think it was a good idea.  And that adoptive parents would say to err on the side of caution.  It was really mind blowing to me when it seemed like everyone was behind me.  And everyone was on my side!  I don't typically get that in my life.  My mom is amazing, but she never took my side before.  My aunts are great (and are the new role models in my life) but they never took my side either.  Everyone in real life has been telling me to be patient.  And to wait.  And that I don't have a right to barge into her life.  So it was different for me to see that at least a few people think that I deserve to have the opportunity to meet my first mother on my terms.

It also blew me away that so many people took the time to comment and email me.  It showed me that random strangers (well, not super random and not exactly "strangers" anymore) cared enough to reach out and offer words of support and helpful suggestions.  It really means/meant a lot to me!

So I wanted to say thanks.  As I said before, I'm not in a position to make that move right now.  But I'm hoping to be in a better place by the summer.  And I'm not letting anyone stop me once I make up my mind.  I don't care if my first father flips out.  I don't care in my first mother never wants to see me again afterward.  I want to move forward with my life, and the only way I can do that is to meet her.

For now, I'm shelving this.  I've got loads of stuff going on right now.  I'm hoping that some stuff works itself out, I work out some other stuff, and I can get to a better place.  Once that happens (and some of it is completely dependent on other people), then I'm going to write my first mother an email and let her know how I feel.  I'm going to tell her why I want to meet her, and why I'd rather not wait.  I'm going to flat out ask her to meet me.  And I'm going to send it and see if she responds.  I'm going to give her a month to write me back.  If she doesn't respond or responds badly, then I'm going to either show up, or try to email her one more time and tell her that she can either meet me in a way that works for her, or I'll just show up.  I haven't decided yet, and I'll probably figure it out based on the response.  We'll see.

Should it come down to me just showing up, I don't think I'll go to their house.  Sandlot is 14.  She'll be 15 over the summer, but she's still very young.  And my maternal grandparents live in the same house, just a different apartment.  And I don't want to deal with them right now.  So showing up at the house probably would be a horrible horrible idea.  I know where she works, so I could always show up there.  Problem in that is that she's afraid she'll lose her job if they find out about me (oh the joys of being Catholic).  So she could flip out A LOT if I show up at her work, even if I claim to be a niece (which I could do if I meant I got to meet her).  But I do have options.  Lots of options.  So we'll see.  I'll figure it out eventually.  Like I said, it's going on the mental shelf right now and it will be pulled out again, probably in a few months.

Thank you again for reading and commenting and emailing.  I so honestly appreciate it!  You guys are the best!

What to Do About NeverTooLate?

Ugly topic needs a pretty picture

I've been thinking about what this whole not caring anymore thing means to me.  There were a lot of things that I couldn't do before because I didn't want to upset my first father.  Having a relationship with him was more important to me that accomplishing some of my other goals because I made him a top priority.  But now that I don't particularly care about the whole thing the way that I used to, I have a whole lot of other options that have been opened up for me.  I'm not going to act on anything right now (anything I do should be for the right reason, not as a reaction to him hurting me the way he did).  But I still have several options to consider.

First of all, I want to meet my first mother.  I couldn't force her hand before because of my first father.  Well, I don't have to worry about that anymore.  I was willing to wait a long time to meet her.  I don't have to now.  I'm thinking that this summer is an option.  As I've said before, I want to meet my first mother while my adoptive mother is still alive.  I want to be able to go home to see my mom, the one who raised me and who means the world to me.  And I do feel that I need to meet my first mother in order to move forward with my life.  I need to be able to move on and I can't do that without meeting her.  It will always be hanging over my head.  And I'm just a little be encouraged by the fact that she stood up for me.  Maybe she doesn't hate me after all...

So I am considering my options.  I just might pull a "We're going to meet.  We could do this so that it works for you and meet somewhere you won't be recognized and when you can get away from your family without them asking major questions, or I could just show up.  You're choice".  I couldn't do that before because it would seriously tick off my first father, who's protective of her, but not me.  Yes, he went there once and told me that.  But now I don't have to worry about him.  To be clear, I never wanted it to come down to this.  I never wanted that.  I wanted her to want to meet me.  I wanted to wait.  But I can't have this hanging over my head.  I want it done and over with.  I want to move on.

I feel like I need to move on from this place.  I feel like this whole experiment failed.  I made an honest go with NeverTooLate, and she didn't want to know me.  She doesn't want to hear my voice.  She doesn't want to see me.  She just wants to pretend I don't exist, except apparently on the holidays when the guilt gets to her.  I tried again with my first father, even though I'd been warned that married first parents are less likely to want contact. For over a year, I gave it my all.  I broke down walls that I had put in place to protect myself from getting hurt. And it only took him a little over a month to completely crush me.

Going back isn't an option.  The only thing to do is to move forward.  I'll always be adopted.  I'll always deal with these core issues.  And I'll always have another family out there.  But I'm also always going to be someone's dirty little secret, their source of shame.  I didn't do anything wrong.  I never asked for this.  And I certainly shouldn't have to deal with such a horrible fall out all because I wanted to know where I came from.  I truly believe that the best way to move forward is to meet my first mother and move on with my life.  If the email thing works with my first father, we'll see what happens.  But I honestly don't know how much more heartache I can take.

We'll see what happens.  Like I said, I don't want to be reactionary.  I just want to be able to move on.

Christmas To Do List

Just so you can all see the insanity that I have going right now.  These are actual screen shots of my current To-Do List for the holidays.  Shoot me now...  I just changed some of the names and took off what I'm actually getting my friends and Rudy so if they read it here, they still don't know what's happening.  I'm sneaky like that. It's funny, but in the past my Christmas List was about what I wanted for Christmas.  Now it's all about what I want to get others for Christmas.  Wow, I feel like such a grownup!

So there you have it.  The plan is to get the the gifts purchased first.  I know what I'm getting everyone so I can run into each store and then run out.  So that's the whole top of the list.  And then I'm going to handle the house thing.  And then the Christmas Cards.  And I'm leaving the wrapping for my mom (I just need to wait for a few things to get to my house so I can wrap my own gifts).  And we'll deal with the tree when he deal with it.  And the baking is just for fun for me.  So I can get it done.  I know I can!  Besides I might be going to my grandmother's so she'll bake with me!  Yay!

Today's musical choice is the Nutcracker soundtrack.  It's amazing.  We used to go every year when I was a kid.

Hope you're To-Do Lists aren't that long!

Something's Not Right

Add sweatpants and boots
and this is what I'm talking about

I was dealing with some serious family drama this week.  Seriously.  So I'm going to write about it because it will make me feel better.  It always does.

I'm pretty sure that my adoptive father has OCD.  Naturally I'm not a professional so maybe it's something else.  But there's something not right going on.  My dad has always been clean.  But lately it's been kicked up to a whole new level of insanity, ever since my mom got sick.  Before, he'd deal with the mess.  My mom isn't the most organized person and there were times when we'd have stacks of paper in the kitchen, the laundry would be piled up, and don't even get my started on the guest bedroom (the door was always shut that's how bad it was).  However, my mom no longer handles the bills (so no more stacks of paper), the laundry gets put away the same day its done (it's a good system), and my dad has cleaned out the guest bedroom.  She used to do her arts and crafts in there and she can't do those things anymore so there's no chance for her to mess it up again.

My dad has gone through each and every room in the house.  In each room, he's dusted every item.  He's vacuumed twice.  He's scrubbed the floor with a new favorite cleaning product.  He's moved around the furniture and gone so far as to buy new (cleaner) furniture for almost each room.  All the windows have been scrubbed.  He dusted every fan, as well as polished the wood on the beams in the room with the cathedral ceiling.  Spare sheets have been washed.  Everything is neat and organized.  He's got the basement left.  That's it.  The rest of the house (including my bedroom) he's already cleaned.  It's weird.  It's like he HAS to do it.  He's also manicured the lawn outside to the point where if it's not raining, he's usually in the yard.  That outlet is gone now that the winter is here.

I honestly didn't think much of it.  I knew it was an escape for him, and I figured that if it made him happy, then he should just do it.  Beside, what's wrong with a clean house?  It didn't bother me, it certainly didn't bother my mother, and whatever, we move on.  And then this week happened.

I made a mess in the basement.  I own up to that 100%.  I forgot to fold a blanket I was using and I left a jacket down there.  I had moved some furniture so I could do my yoga and hadn't moved it back because I've been doing yoga everyday.  I figured it's the basement and I'm really the only one who's been going down there.  And I left a food wrapper.  Which really wasn't good.  My bad.

Not only was I yelled at for a good ten minutes, but Rudy (who had nothing to do with the mess) was brought into it.  Then he went after my bedroom.  Apparently two sweatpants and a pair of boots constitutes a pig sty and I needed to grow up and keep my room clean.  To which my response was, it's my room and if it bothers you, don't go in there.  Apparently that's the wrong thing to say.  This is why I seriously think he's got some sort of mental disorder.  A normal rational person would not have flipped out on me the way that he did.  He even followed me to my room later in the night to yell at me some more.  He couldn't handle the things on the floor.  My room is super neat and clean right now.  Two sweatpants and a pair of boots (that my sister had borrowed and returned after I left for work and therefore I had no knowledge of) were enough to set him off.

I'm one of the cleanest people I know.  The sweatpants and boots were not hurting anyone.  They did not impose on anyone's safety.  They weren't affecting the rest of the family in anyway.  The reason my door was open was because I don't have heat in my room and it's freezing in there if I keep the door shut.  I wish I was joking.

I was told that my room isn't really mine.  That it's his house and therefore I need to abide by his rules.  And that means nothing on the floor (keep in mind that these items were far from the door and therefore nothing my mother could have tripped on -- that I could have understood). I was told that I don't have the right to any privacy in the house because it's a family house and therefore we share things as a family.

This whole living at home thing at 24 is new to me.  I'd rather be in an apartment on my own.  I've gone to look at apartments.  But I owed upwards of $80,000 in student loans.  I'd like to pay some of them off before I have to pay serious rent.  I've got it down to $70,000 after working my butt off this summer and I hope to have it down to $65,000 by the new year.  I'm determined.  I do know that after five years of having my own space, I need one room in the house to call my own.

I'm asking my dad for an agreement between us (written).  I'll pay him $300 a month (what he keeps telling everyone I should be paying him to live at home) and in return for that he 1) does not enter my room without my permission 2) does not comment on the status of my room unless it affects someone else in the house with the door closed and 3) I get the cable I've been asking for for six months.  I think that's fair.  In case that doesn't work out, I've been looking at apartments but I'll have to pay at least $1000 a month in rent, and while that's not super bad, I don't really have that money right now to furnish an apartment and I'd like to stay at home to help with my mom.

This is my life.  I need a vacation from the hell hole that I'm living in.  Is it December 9th yet?

Pick Me Up

Is that floor I see?

November's got me down so I'm trying to pick myself back up.  This is something that I have to do a lot lately, but life goes on.  I've gotten used to putting one foot in front of the other, because really what else am I supposed to do? (Side note: I read somewhere people like subheaders? Gonna give it a try.)

Pictures

I've thrown myself into taking lots of pictures.  I dragged Rudy on a hike with me over the weekend with my camera.  You'll get to see some of those pictures on Sunday (exciting right?).  I'm asking for another lens for Christmas.  One that I can use to Zoom.  Because that's exciting!  Super close ups of things father away?  Yes please!  I also took about a million pictures at my cousin's wedding.  Well, actually I took 200.  And about 100 of them were keepable.  The other's met their fate in the recycle bin.  I'm still getting used to the new complicated camera so a bunch came out blurry.  Also, my cousins took some pictures with it while I was up dancing, and those didn't come out all that great.  At least they tried!

My Room
My room was a mess.  A complete horror show.  My dad told me to tear it apart so he could clean it.  Like spring cleaning clean.  So I did.  And then someone showed up to visit.  So it was put off for a day.  And then we got hit with a huge winter storm in October.  So it was put off again.  And then we had my cousin's wedding.  So my room was pulled apart for nearly a month with no cleaning.  I haven't been able to get into my closet because I was told to store everything there to get as much off the floor as possible.  So my closet has been home to my laundry basket, my organizing shelves, my trash can, and all the bins from under my bed that hold my many shoes.  I finally gave up waiting for my dad and did my own cleaning.  It's not his level of clean, but it's doable.  And I have my closet back.  Thank goodness.

Furniture
And then there was the furniture thing.  Which I tackled the same day.  I've had the same dresser in my room since I was five.  It's never moved.  Well, turns out my dad thought it would go better in the guest bedroom (which used to be a sewing room for my mom, who can't sew anymore, so it's been officially turned into another room for guests seeing as we tend to have a lot of those lately) so I have to get a new one.  But it's going to take a while for it to get here, so I have to wait without a dresser for a few weeks.  That's fine with me.  I rearranged my room because there's a lot less furniture.  Long story short, I've been waiting for cable in my room for two months now and the rearranging means I'll get it sooner.  So yay!  And yay for having my TV easier to see now!

Clothes
Then I cleaned out my clothes.  My summer clothes were still chilling in my closet.  Which was great, but I don't wear them in this weather.  So I packed them up and put all my winter clothes back in the closet.  Which was a good thing because they were all in the now empty dresser that's chilling in the guest bedroom.  I bought space bags so the spring clothes were zipped up and vacuumed into tiny little packets.  I don't need a stinking dresser!  Next spring, they will be unpacked, ironed, and put back in the closet.  It's a new system and I'm hoping it works.

Cleaning Out
All of these things have strangely helped me get back on my feet.  I've started to clean out some stuff.  Cleaning tends to help me move on for some reason.  It's like I clean out the cobwebs in my life and move forward.  I like organizing and the state of my room often is an indicator of my mental level.  If it's clean, my mental state is great!  If it's an unorganized mess, things are not going so well.  I'm hoping to have everything squared away by Saturday.  I know I can make my deadline if I just keep at it!  Yay for organization and determination!

Picking Myself Back Up
Between cleaning, taking pictures with my new camera, reading all of the wonderful blog posts that are happening this month, doing some serious reading (my books all came!), I'm starting to put my life back together after the most recent crash.  It's slow, but it's starting to work.  And I'm feeling better.  It's easier to get out of bed in the morning.  It's easier to smile.  And I feel like I can start to handle my life better.  Which is where I need to be at.  I have to start to deal with things now because they may or may not be getting crazy again by the end of the month.  We'll see.

Meh

This post is located at: http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/09/19/meh/

*Fixed broken link

Getting Frustrated… Again

This post is a vent... located here: http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/08/21/getting-frustrated%E2%80%A6-again/

Overload

Today was my first day of work.  It went well and I can see myself really liking it there.  The company is a great fit and works to combat world hunger and environmental issues, as well as making drugs more affordable for the public.  So much more my speed than the stock market which was all about money.  It had its charms but not quite right for my personality.

My vacation is now over.  I've been bouncing around a lot the past two weeks.  My camera hasn't been unpacked yet but pictures will be up soon.  I went to Maine (which is so pretty plus it's a free access state).  Then I went to Connecticut for a few days and saw a bunch of old friends who I miss like crazy.  Then I went to my parent's summer house Cape Cod for a week.  It was amazing weather and I made it to the beach a few times so I was pretty pumped (I was watching my mother who sleeps a lot these days so it was pretty sweet to get out of the house).

I had a pretty intense weekend before my first day of work.  First, I went to see my godparents and I haven't talked to them alone since I told them about finding my first parents.  They had some more questions because they've had time to process, I showed them pictures (which they thought were so cool!), and my uncle discovered that his friend used to work where SinginInTheRain works now.  If I know my uncle he's going to find a connection somewhere because he knows everyone.  It was really nice, but intense at the same time.  I'm not used to talking about my adoption with family members so I'm still getting used to it.

The next night I went over to my neighbor's house.  She's my mentor, but I hadn't told her about any of my adoption stuff.  She's super loyal to my mom and has some very strong opinions, and I wasn't sure how she'd take it.  Apparently she saw something on my facebook page and asked me about it.  I tried to make sure that most people don't get to see what I post about adoption (just my adoption group of friends and a few close friends) but she saw it and wanted to know what it was all about.  So I told her the story.  Turns out her son-in-law is an adoptee.  I was the flower girl in his wedding and I had no clue.  Apparently his adoptive parents are nasty and he cut ties after there was an "incident" with his father being inappropriate with his two year old daughter.  It was nice, but intense at the same time.  Too much for one weekend.

So I've been having a bit of adoption overload.  But that's ok.  It happens.  It will get better.  And I'm learning to be more open.  I'm learning that people don't jump down my throat.  And I'm learning that these people care about me and want to hear me out.  At the same time, this overload needs to end soon...

Overwhelmed

This post has been moved to http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/04/19/overwhelmed/ as I'm pretty sure you can guess from the title.

Information Overload

This post has been moved to http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/01/22/information-overload/ because it includes personal details about NeverTooLate, SinginInTheRain, KungFuPanda, and Sandlot.

As a recap because now all of the Nicknames are in play:
NeverTooLate : My first mother
SinginInTheRain : My first father
KungFuPanda : My older kept sister
Sandlot : My younger kept sister