Working For A Living

I'm pretty excited today.  I've been working really hard to pay off my school loans which were pretty high coming out of school.  Going to a private university really kicked my butt.  My high school was all about the college thing.  It was all about getting into a good school and moving on in education.  As I mentioned yesterday, we were told as eighth graders that if we weren't planning on college, we should find another high school.  Yes, this is a public school system.  They just wanted to be the best public school system.  They are one of the top 200 high schools in the country so something's working, but still.  It was a bit much.

Anyway, I went to college because that's what was expected of me. My parents hadn't gone and had no idea how things should go down, but they knew I was smart and pushed me to take advantage of it.  They wanted me to go further in life (in terms of careers) than they did.  They didn't want me to work from pay check to pay check like they had done for a long time.  They let me pick any school I wanted, which was a nice private school that I was steered to by my high school.  Nobody tells you that tuition goes up but the scholarships don't.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I went to the college I did.  I met Rudy there.  I made some fantastic friends.  I have memories that I'll have forever of my fun days on [Insert College Here]'s campus.  But I'm in a deep hole of debt that I have to climb out of.  Joy.  I probably should have thought that one through, especially when I got an amazing scholarship to the University of Massachusetts.  I could have gone tuition free.  I turned that down for this crazy debt.  Oh well, can't change it now!

I'm living at home with my parents in part to help take care of my mom, and in part to put the money I would be spending on rent towards my loans.  It's not a great situation, but I'm finding a way to make it work (running helps - a lot).  I've been putting a lot away towards my loans.  Initially I figured that I could live like a pauper for two years and come out debt free.  Literally, I'd never eat or I'd bum food off my parents to make this one work.  I realized pretty quickly that wasn't a good way to live.  So then I decided that maybe I'd do it in three years and include a food budget.  But then I realized I'd be living a shell of a life.  So now I'm living my life as I see fit (and taking vacations when I want them) and paying off the loans as I can.  Because I don't have a lot of expenses, I'm able to put a lot of my paycheck towards my loans without feeling the belt tightening.  It's nice.  Thank goodness some good comes out of living at home!

My goal is to pay half my loans off by the end of the year.  At the end of the year, I'll be moving out and will no longer have all that extra income to go towards loans rather than rent.  I figure half is a good number.  The reason I'm really excited?  I hit the half way point to that goal this week.  I've been putting money towards some of my loans every two weeks when I get my paycheck and it seems like it's finally paid off.  Slow and steady wins the race.  And tax refunds.  Those help too.

I'm a quarter of the way there with my school loans.  While it doesn't seem like a lot, it's a pretty significant amount of money so I'm celebrating.  I'm going to treat myself to some candy today to celebrate.  I deserve it :-)  Reese's Peanut Butter Cups anyone?

Wearing Big Girl Panties

I don't always feel like a grown up.  There are several reasons for this.  It's a problem.

For starters, I live at home.  With my parents.  Who don't view me as an adult.  So it's pretty hard to feel like a grown up when your parents are telling you what to do from the moment you walk through the door after work (a big girl job too!) until you go to bed (and they tell you when that is).  Sigh.  It's not their fault.  It's a common thing that parents don't see their adult children as adults.  Especially when they are still living at home.  So I'll always be their little girl.  It just gets annoying.  That's not going to change until I move out.  Which can't happen for a least a few more months.  Oh well.  I'll get there!

Next, this whole reunion thing sent be backwards a bit.  Something about connecting with a parent.  It's hard to do so as an adult.  So it's easier to think about when I was a kid and try to relate to my first parents from that point of view.  I'm not saying I acted like a kid around them.  Not at all.  But it made me take a step back into childhood and revisit a lot of those memories.  It's hard to move forward when you're looking back.  But at the same time, I had to look back.  I just got a bit stuck there.  I'll get over it.

The majority of my friends are my own age or younger.  We're all in various stages in terms of where we're living, our states of employment, and where we are with school.  The best way for everyone to connect is to act like we're still in college at times.  Because that's the thing that we all have in common.  But it doesn't make one feel horribly grown up.  I'm having a lot of fun with them.  And I'm not going to give that up.  But still, doesn't make one feel like a mature college graduate.  And let's not forget that Rudy lives at home as well.  So even when I visit him, it's not the same as if one of us had our own apartment.

It's not a huge problem, but at this point in my life, I do feel ready for more.  I do have a big girl job.  I'm making plans to have my own big girl place.  My boyfriend and I are talking about our future together, something that might actually materialize in the next year or two.  And I'm starting to think about what it is that I want out of life.  It's time to make some big girl decisions.  I can't imagine that I graduated high school six years ago (nearly).  It's unbelievable to me.  Time flew by so fast.  So I don't want to spend the next six years or so in a state of fogginess.

The purpose of my search and reunion was so that I could feel more complete.  So that I could get my answers and live a better life.  To figure out my past so I could enjoy the present and the future.  And I learned some hard lessons.  But I'm putting my big girl panties on.  I've decided that if I want to be more grown up, I have to act that way.  And that means standing up for myself.  That means treating me the way I deserve, rather than pushing me aside and letting other people do whatever they want and walk all over me.  I'm not the same girl I was two years ago.  I'm no where close to being the same girl I was six years ago.  I realized that six years ago I let other people walk all over me and didn't do anything about it because I was scared.  Now I'm letting two people walk all over me and I'm justifying it because I think it's the "right" thing to do.  So I'm not going to justify it anymore.  I won't tolerate it.  Nobody else is going to stand up for me.  So I'm going to have to do it myself.

2011: A Year In Review

Looking back on the year 2011, it was a big year.  It was filled with hidden joys, big challenges, and several life changing events.

In the month of January, I started blogging.  It was something that I wanted to try for a long time but it wasn't until January that I took that plunge.  This was also the month when I reached out to my first mother to try to start over, and was then ignored.  And I started my last semester of college.  We can't forget that one!

In February, I planned my first face to face.  I put together a book with all my emails and everything I knew about my first parents.

March was a fun month and a life changing one.  At the beginning of the month, I met my first father for the first time.  It was the first time I've met someone I'm biologically related to.  It was the first time I saw myself reflected in someone else.  Talk about unsettling!  As if that wasn't enough, my mom and I went on vacation together to Punta Cana.  We had the best time and I know it's something that I'm always going to look back on and smile.  What a busy month!

April was hard.  For starters, my sister and I got into a huge fight.  She wasn't supportive of me meeting my first father and was hurt that I hadn't told her sooner.  Then life changed completely when we learned that my mother had another brain tumor, only this time looked different from her last time.  I moved home the last week of the month.

May got harder.  My mother had four brain surgeries in three weeks.  She was diagnosed with brain cancer and her tumor was deemed inoperable.  I met my first father again, and this time went a little better.  We actually relaxed and had fun hanging out.  And then I graduated college with my bachelor and masters degrees, an event that my parents watched on a laptop in the ICU back in Boston.

June rolled around and my mom started her chemotherapy and radiation.  My life became all about my mother as I tried to adjust to living at home.  Lost Daughters started.  I saw Taylor Swift with my cousin, a girl who is like a sister to me.

July saw the end of radiation for my mom and a break in chemotherapy.  I got a job offer which I accepted and my mom and I went on vacation for a week on Cape Cod.  It was my last month of freedom before starting my job.  My first father started texting me, something that we hadn't really done before.

August started with my job.  Literally, my first day was August 1st.  It was a huge adjustment for me.  My first father started a short trend of sending me videos from his new phone.  Various summer fun was had by me and my boyfriend on the weekends.  August was anything but a lazy summer.

September rolled around and I got a new computer and a new phone in the same week.  I settled into work and my boyfriend started his job (so started spending less time with me).  I jumped on Twitter and tried to improve my blog.  I decided to be more open in my life about my reunion and stop treating it like a huge secret.

October brought more changes.  I started my Picture Sunday postings.  My attempt to be more open blew up in my face.  Steve Jobs died, and the Internet blew up with adoption stories.  My mother spent another week in the hospital.  My first father came up to visit me on my birthday and told me that he was thinking about telling my first sisters about me.

November was hard.  My first father told me he wasn't ready to tell my first sisters, which I was OK with because of the other insanity going on in my life.  I bought a new camera.  My cousin got married and my entire adoptive family got together to celebrate.  I had my high school reunion.  I nearly moved out of my house.  I sent my first father a text message that was spotted by my older kept sister.

December brought more changes.  My first father ended our reunion, except for an occasional email.  He changed his mind a week later after talking to my first mother who stood up for me.  I opted not to continue with reunion under his new rules, but to get back in touch in the new year.  I prepared for Christmas by myself.  The year came to a close.

What a year...  It feels like January was a lifetime ago!

Boy Drama

So Rudy and I had a rough month.  The distance thing is awful.  We never planned on spending this much time away from each other after graduation.  We figured we'd have more freedom when we weren't tied down to getting our degrees.  We both stayed at school for an extra year for our masters and graduated at the same time.  We're both finished with our education unless I decide to go back someday (unlikely).  I was going to try to stay there for a year while he worked toward his CPA licence.  Then we were going to move together up near my family.  God's cracking up at our plans right now!  A pesky brain tumor wormed its way into the best laid plans and boom!  I'm home taking care of my sick mommy and Rudy's stuck in another state trying to get his licence and working for a company I'm starting to view as the Evil Empire.

Long distance relationships are hard.  They aren't for the weak.  You have to trust the other person 100% in order for it to work.  I had a friend point out once that Rudy could be doing whatever he wanted because I'd have no way of knowing.  A) My boyfriend isn't like that and B) I'd know.  That's the benefit of having loads of friends down there.  One of them would slip.  Something would come out.  And Rudy's either at work, talking to me on the phone, or with his family.  And we see each other nearly every weekend.  So in that sense I do trust him 100%.  You also have to know when it's going to be over.  You have to have a time in mind when you aren't going to be long distance and you're going to start being in a "normal" relationship.  Long distance isn't a permanent thing, at least not in my mind.  It's temporary.  So you have to have a rough idea as to when.  Rudy and I are having issues with that.  His job makes it nearly impossible for him to move, or have an idea as to when he's going to move.  He can either quit his job in a year and risk not being hired by someone else (he'd be short his licence) or he can wait it out a lot longer than we had planned and move up here in two years.  Two years, after already being apart for a half of a year, is a lot longer than we thought.  I can't move.  It's not an option with my mom being the way that she is.  So we're at a standstill.  I'm not 100% sure of how things are going to work out.

At the same time, I know that he's the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with.  We've been together coming up on five and a half years.  I know him backwards and forwards.  I can tell when he's annoyed with me.  I can tell when he's trying not to laugh and failing.  I can tell when he's sad.  I can tell when he's thrilled.  I can tell when he's frustrated at the situation too.  These are all things I can pick up over the phone.  I've gotten so good at reading him because that's our major form of communication.  I know him backward and forward and I know who he is.  I know the essential parts of Rudy.  He's my other half.  He's my best friend.  He's the person first think of in the morning, and the last person I think of as I'm falling asleep.

So we're starting to plan for our future together.  Because if we don't, I'm going to lose my mind.  First step, plan a vacation for next year.  After all our time apart, we need some time together just the two of us.  I can't wait!

Learning to Relax Again

I've tried this before and failed miserably, but I'm deciding that I'm going to be happy from here on out.  I'm going to work harder at getting to a better place than I'm at right now.  I'm determined to do it.  I can't keep living like this, and I'm going to deal with it and move on.  So I'm going to try to stay positive, and make some changes in my life to reduce my stress.  I've been browsing around on the web looking for tips and I figured I'd share some of the things I've been doing in my life in an effort to feel better.

Deep Breathing
Megan over at Earth Stains posted this gem a few months back.  I've been practicing and oh boy does it help a lot!  This method of deep breathing is something that I can do anywhere.  When I feel particularly stressed, I start a cycle of this at my desk.  I close all the windows on my computer (leaving only the relaxing background), relax my muscles, focus my eyes on a blank wall in my cube (if I'm not at my desk I close my eyes), and focus on my breathing as I recite the numbers in my head.  I block everything else out other than my breathing to the count.  It's so soothing and it helps me to calm down.  I've learned that deep breathing is a great way to relax and to relieve anxiety.  I highly recommend you check it out.

Organized To-Do List
I've been learning how to better organize my to-do list.  I wish I still had all the wonderful links but I have yet to organize enough to keep track of them!  Basically, it's helpful to keep things written down.  It lessens my anxiety and gives me a place to look when I need to figure out what I should be doing.  I tend to let things stack up and then I worry about them.  By making a to-do list, I'm able to stop worrying about forgetting to do something.  Everything I need is on my list you see...  But a to-do list isn't good enough to cut it for me.  It has to be organized.  Some tips include making things specific (rather than writing "Do Christmas Shopping" I wrote "Go to CVS Saturday to purchase doll for Katie"), organize them by priority (things with higher priority go near the top so I don't loose them in the list), keep separate lists for short term vs long term (certain items are long term goals and I don't want them cluttering up my list everyday), and make sure items move on the list (the point of the list is to get things done; therefore I expect myself to finish at least three things per day and to add new ones as they come up).  Microsoft OneNote has really helped me to work on this goal and it's helped me to be more successful and productive lately.  It's also decreased my anxiety level because I keep a separate list of everything I've accomplished in the past week so I can feel proud of my accomplishments and feel like the list isn't a mountain to climb over.

Headphones
My desk at work isn't in the most ideal place.  It's across from the office printer.  That's right folks.  Every time someone in our department of about seventy-five people prints something, I sit there and listen to the printer.  It's annoying.  And then they walk over to get their printed paper.  And sometimes they bring a friend.  And they talk.  It's maddening.  So I brought my noise reducing headphones to work and put all my music on my phone.  And so the music helped.  But I found that I got distracted by it sometimes.  And I don't always have relaxing music on my phone.  Then I realized that I have a white noise app on my phone that has the sounds of waves crashing on the beach!  The beach is my happy place, and where I feel most relaxed.  Now I listen to the ocean while I'm at work.  I still hear the printer in the background, but the sounds in my headphones help to relieve some of the stress and keep me focused.

Screen Brightness
I lowered the brightness of all my computer screens (yes, I have more than one).  I don't need to be looking at a glaring screen all day if I can read it fine without the bright lights.  The bright light of the screen isn't the greatest for your eyes and it was starting to give me headaches.

Walks
My breaks are now dedicated to walking around the office.  The act of walking around and getting out that pent up energy has started to really help me.  Can I really get in good exercise from walking around work?  Well my building is sort of a half of a mile long from end to end.  And I happen to work on one end.  While I don't have time to walk the mile down and back on a short break, I have plenty of room to walk around and to change some scenery.

Reading
Reading is another stress reducer that I've given another try.  Rather than watching TV before bed, I've started to read.  I've had problems with this before (I tend to get caught up in a good book and can't put it down, thus not sleeping when I should be) but now I'm trying really hard just to stick to two chapters a night (depending on a book).  I heard on the radio that reading is the best stress reliever, and that it's better than watching TV.  I just finished one of my books and I really need to get going on another one.

Well there you have it, some tips and tricks I've been following to help reduce my anixety and to lead a less stressful life!

Things To Do Checklist

Work Conversations

I'm very lucky that where I work, there is a group of people who eat lunch together everyday who have welcomed me into their fold. They are very nice and I have someone to eat with rather than sitting alone in the corner, which would do wonders for my adoptee self-esteem issue. I've gotten to know some of these people pretty well, and it fluctuates every day.

This week, we actually went out for lunch one day, but there were only three of us. So it was a small outing, but totally fun because we got to eat nice food rather than cafeteria food, and it was overall a good time. Both of my co-workers are a lot older than I but look very young for their ages. We started talking about it and sure enough the conversation turns to genetics and how their parents looked young so now they do.

I took a deep breath when it was my turn and said "Well, I have two sets of parents, because I was adopted. My biological parents are young but I think they look younger than they are. Then again, maybe that’s because there is a ten year age difference between them and my adoptive parents." Rather than awkward silence, I was met by "Wow, that's interesting" and then a story. Turns out my male co-worker's wife just found out last month she has a half sister. Big ugly family secret just came out around when I was starting my job and turns out their family is going through the whole "Dirty Secret" thing too! The woman's story was a bit different (she wasn't an adoptee, just only raised by one parent) but the whole reunion thing was all too familiar. Apparently the woman and her three half-sisters are now friends on Facebook and talk on the phone but haven't met.

Once again, I'm amazed at how it really is EVERYWHERE! You never know who has a story like that to tell. And it was nice to know that at least two of my coworkers didn't judge. You learn something new everyday...

Overload

Today was my first day of work.  It went well and I can see myself really liking it there.  The company is a great fit and works to combat world hunger and environmental issues, as well as making drugs more affordable for the public.  So much more my speed than the stock market which was all about money.  It had its charms but not quite right for my personality.

My vacation is now over.  I've been bouncing around a lot the past two weeks.  My camera hasn't been unpacked yet but pictures will be up soon.  I went to Maine (which is so pretty plus it's a free access state).  Then I went to Connecticut for a few days and saw a bunch of old friends who I miss like crazy.  Then I went to my parent's summer house Cape Cod for a week.  It was amazing weather and I made it to the beach a few times so I was pretty pumped (I was watching my mother who sleeps a lot these days so it was pretty sweet to get out of the house).

I had a pretty intense weekend before my first day of work.  First, I went to see my godparents and I haven't talked to them alone since I told them about finding my first parents.  They had some more questions because they've had time to process, I showed them pictures (which they thought were so cool!), and my uncle discovered that his friend used to work where SinginInTheRain works now.  If I know my uncle he's going to find a connection somewhere because he knows everyone.  It was really nice, but intense at the same time.  I'm not used to talking about my adoption with family members so I'm still getting used to it.

The next night I went over to my neighbor's house.  She's my mentor, but I hadn't told her about any of my adoption stuff.  She's super loyal to my mom and has some very strong opinions, and I wasn't sure how she'd take it.  Apparently she saw something on my facebook page and asked me about it.  I tried to make sure that most people don't get to see what I post about adoption (just my adoption group of friends and a few close friends) but she saw it and wanted to know what it was all about.  So I told her the story.  Turns out her son-in-law is an adoptee.  I was the flower girl in his wedding and I had no clue.  Apparently his adoptive parents are nasty and he cut ties after there was an "incident" with his father being inappropriate with his two year old daughter.  It was nice, but intense at the same time.  Too much for one weekend.

So I've been having a bit of adoption overload.  But that's ok.  It happens.  It will get better.  And I'm learning to be more open.  I'm learning that people don't jump down my throat.  And I'm learning that these people care about me and want to hear me out.  At the same time, this overload needs to end soon...