Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope you all have a very special day!

I used to hate Valentine's Day.  You know, back when I was single.  I think that feeling has never fully left me.  I used to hate the Red and Pink colors.  My favorite color is blue, and I always hated that girls were supposed to like pink.  Now, I've grown to love pink.  I can pull off wearing darker shades of pink so I have more and more pink these days.  I also hated the color red.  My college had red and white for school colors so I learned to love me some red.  It's another color that looks good on me, so I'm learning to like it a lot more.  I still can't stand those two colors together.  I'm weird like that.

I'm spending time with Rudy today so I'm pretty pumped.  We've never spent a Valentine's Day apart.  We've had some interesting ones (like the one a few years ago that I spent in the hospital) but we've always been together.  I didn't think that was going to happen this year so I was really excited when Rudy found a way to work it out so we could see each other and actually spend some time together.  I can't wait!

If you're single, enjoy the day.  It can be hard, but I always saw Valentine's Day as a day to celebrate all the love in your life, not just romantic love.  I used to be such a huge optimist... Hehe!  If you're with someone, then I hope you get to spend the day with your special someone or at least get to communicate in some way.  Enjoy!

This Christmas...

This year is different.  I'm not vacuuming in anticipation of twenty plus people coming to our home.  I'm not spreading the table cloths over the dining room table, the one time a year it gets used.  I'm not frantically wrapping gifts before everyone gets to my house.  And I'm not trying to get it all done in time to change just before heading to Church an hour early so we can get seats together.  Instead, I'm relaxing at home with my family.  I'll still make it to Church, but not an hour early because it's just me and my grandmother this year.  Afterwards I'll come home, we'll have a nice dinner, and we'll end up just spending time together as a family.  It's actually going to be pretty nice.

Rather than focusing on the entertaining part of it all, we're focusing on spending time as a family this year.  Christmas this year isn't about the presents, the decorations, the holiday music, any of that.  It's instead about spending time with the people we love and enjoying the time that we have together.  Who knows what next Christmas will bring.  So for now, I'm going to enjoy this year.  There's nothing wrong with how we used to celebrate, but this year I think it means a little bit more.

Sometimes I think we all get so caught up in the holiday season that we forget what it's really all about.  I'm the biggest offender of this.  So it doesn't surprise me that life found a way to smack me in the face to get me to wake up.  I spent more time this year thinking of others.  When people asked about my Christmas list, I told them what I was doing for my family and friends, rather than what I wanted people to give me.  It's just a difference I've noticed when I compare this year to last.

So as I sit here, looking at our amazing tree (which my sister picked out and decorated), I am thankful for the time that I do have with my family.  I'm thankful for being here with the people I love.  I miss the ones who aren't here, and I always will.  But I'm going to enjoy the holiday for what it is, a gift.  Because who knows what next year will bring.  So I'm going to enjoy today and tomorrow and worry about that another day.

So I wish all of you a wonderful holiday season this year.  Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Solstice, and Joyous Kwanzaa.  And Happy New Year too!

Picture Sunday: Week 11

Finally I have Thanksgiving pictures!  After months, I finally updated my new computer with my old music and synced it up with my new phone.  Yes, it took me nearly three months to do.  But that's ok, because it's done now and not only do I have all my music on my phone (which is always with me) but I also have a lot of my recent pictures on there as well.  And seeing as I prep my pictures for this blog on my phone, it made it a whole lot easier to post these pictures this week!  Yay!  Lots of food because these come from Thanksgiving.  Enjoy!

Apples Pre-Pie

Going into a Pie

These were so yummy!

My uncle's dog

As always, ask first before using these pictures!

Christmas To Do List

Just so you can all see the insanity that I have going right now.  These are actual screen shots of my current To-Do List for the holidays.  Shoot me now...  I just changed some of the names and took off what I'm actually getting my friends and Rudy so if they read it here, they still don't know what's happening.  I'm sneaky like that. It's funny, but in the past my Christmas List was about what I wanted for Christmas.  Now it's all about what I want to get others for Christmas.  Wow, I feel like such a grownup!

So there you have it.  The plan is to get the the gifts purchased first.  I know what I'm getting everyone so I can run into each store and then run out.  So that's the whole top of the list.  And then I'm going to handle the house thing.  And then the Christmas Cards.  And I'm leaving the wrapping for my mom (I just need to wait for a few things to get to my house so I can wrap my own gifts).  And we'll deal with the tree when he deal with it.  And the baking is just for fun for me.  So I can get it done.  I know I can!  Besides I might be going to my grandmother's so she'll bake with me!  Yay!

Today's musical choice is the Nutcracker soundtrack.  It's amazing.  We used to go every year when I was a kid.

Hope you're To-Do Lists aren't that long!

Christmas Decorations and Music

My Favorite Ornament

Enough with the drama that is my life the past two weeks.  Today's post is about something fun!

I've been blasting Christmas music ever since Thanksgiving.  Confession.  I really like Jessica Simpson's Christmas music.  I don't know what it is about her.  I just really like the music.  Oh Jess and Nick.  Baby It's Cold Outside was a wonderful song.  So nice.  You made wonderful music together.  And entertained me with mindless fluff.  And Jessica, you made me laugh...  So much more funny than the whole Kim/Kris drama.

Moving on.  The decorating hasn't been done yet.  I'm starting to stress about it.  I'm not going to lie.  I wanted to do it the weekend after Thanksgiving.  Rudy was visiting and my sister was home.  Which meant there were three of us because we all know that the Grinch isn't going to help us and my mom can't.  So the goal is to find a way to get it done this weekend.  But I also have to finish my shopping.  And do the Christmas cards.  I've been criticized again for not dong the Thank You Notes, even though nobody made a list for me.  It's a bit hard to get on that, seeing as it's a daunting task.  Maybe when I have some time off in a few weeks.

I need to get it done.  I don't want my mom to get stressed.  She's got a few jobs to do herself over the next few weeks.  I will have all the gifts, but they need to be wrapped.  She's good at wrapping and it gives her something to do other than watch TV.  It's going to take her a while, but it's something to do while people are visiting.  They keep saying they want to help out, and this is a way to do so.  Plus I hate wrapping....

I just need to get the stupid decorations up.  Stupid decorations.  And we need a tree.  Good grief.  The whole thing is compounded by the fact that I'm going away next weekend.  It's a much deserved break.  Much much deserved.  And needed.  Oh how badly I need this.  I'm going to see my school mommy and sister!  I miss them so much and I can't wait to hang out with them for a whole weekend!  I get to act like a normal person without all the responsibility for a few days.  My school mommy will make sure I'm fed, I'm rested, and she'll ask me about my life and offer good advice.  She'll do what my mom isn't able to do right now.  And that's just what I need.

So my list now includes putting up the decorations in record time (three hours is totally doable if I scale back slightly).  I'm a speed cleaner (it's a form of exercise if you clean the way I do) and putting up decorations is like cleaning in that you have to put everything back in it's place.  We decorate nearly every room in the house. No joke.  But I can clear the dining room in about twenty minutes (it's small), the living room in 30 (we do a lot of decorations in there normally but less so this year because nobody goes into that room unless its our open house which we canceled this year), and an hour on the kitchen and family room each, the two most used rooms in the house.  Each bedroom gets a few small decorations (more in my room than the others).  We do lights in the windows which takes about a half hour because we have to check all the bulbs and make sure they stick to the windows (PITA).

But while I'm doing all of this, I'll be listening to my Christmas music.  Which makes me super happy!  Yay!  Right now I'm listening to Harry Connick, Jr. It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas.  I used to love him on Will and Grace.  And I got my mom an early Christmas present, which I may have put on my iPod; the Micheal Bubble Christmas Album.  Haven't listened to the whole thing yet, but so far it's amazing.

Side note: I've already broken the cardinal rule of Christmas shopping: don't buy yourself stuff.  I just couldn't not get the Shirley Temple Box Set Volume One.  How could I walk away from it?  I adored Shirley Temple as a child.  She had curly hair like me.  She danced like me.  She could sing, something I wished I could do.  And we would watch her movies at my grandparents, so I have wonderful memories there.  Oh well, some rules are meant to be broken...

All over the place today I know.  It's just that time of year...

Happy Holiday Season

Christmas 2006

It's now officially the Christmas season.  I love this time of year.  And as a disclaimer, I'm not going to be PC about the holidays on my blog.

When I was little, my mom would go all out.  The house would be decorated from top to bottom.  There were always cookies in the oven.  The house smelled like evergreen.  Our stereo would always have on a Christmas carol.  And the lights!  Don't even get me started on the beautiful lights that graced our house.

It wasn't about Christmas morning, it was about the season.  Spending time with family.  Enjoying each other.  And celebrating a very special birthday.  That's just how I was raised.  Sure, Christmas morning was fun, but I do think if I had to pick between the season or just Christmas morning, I'd pick the season.

As I've gotten older, things have changed around our house.  The decorations are fewer in number.  We get our tree later and take it down earlier.  Christmas music is more likely to be coming out of a bedroom radio rather than the main stereo.  We go to less parties, and see less people.  The Christmas card numbers are declining.  And this year it's only going to get worse.

I've decided that I'm not going to let the Grinch steal Christmas.  Normally my mom will stand up to the Grinch and make Christmas special.  This year she just doesn't have it in her.  So I've decided that it's up to me.  Which is a lot of work for one person, but I'll find a way to make it happen.  I'm going to decorate the house tomorrow while I have Rudy visiting and an extra pair of hands (preferably while the Grinch is at work).  I've ordered Christmas cards and will be sending them out.  I'm setting up my old iPod with as much Christmas music as I can find and leaving it plugged into the stereo. 

I'm going shopping this week to buy the most special present.  At Church, we have a giving tree.  I got a six year old girl who requested Princess Dolls.  I can't wait to go find something for this little girl.  I was obsessed with princess dolls when I was a kid.  I loved princesses, loved my dolls, and loved Christmas.  Lately I haven't had any little kids to buy gifts for, so this is special.  It's funny, but it's selfish.  I think I'm going to get more enjoyment out of this than she will.

I've already started my shopping.  I bought my sister a gift already, and bought a few things for my mom to give me and my sister.  I went outlet shopping and saved about $600.  No joke.  Spent $400 and saved $600.  I was pretty excited.  So my mom's shopping is done.  She can wrap up the boxes and feel like she contributed. I just need to get a few things for the Grinch from her (his main gift has been ordered already) and pick up stoking stuffers.  I plan on taking care of some of that this week and next.  Just after the rush of the holiday weekend.

I know it sounds shallow, but I need to get this stuff done.  I'm worried about it and stressing out.  But once it's finished, I'll really be able to get down and enjoy the holiday.  I'm traveling (hopefully) in a few weeks to spend time with my "other" family from school.  We're going to look at Christmas Trees (for a charity) which is kind of funny because they are Jewish.  I'm going to spend as much time with my family as I can.  And by that I mean my extended family.  I haven't had time to see a lot of them and I miss them.

So now this rambling post has kicked off the season.  Wish me luck in getting up the decorations!  Hopefully by next week I'll have some great pictures for Picture Sunday in order to get in the spirit.  Until then, Happy Holidays!

Thanksgiving!

I'm Thankful For Apple Pie

Thanksgiving, a day when we give thanks for everything that we have been given in this life.  Interesting concept.  There are a lot of places I could go with this post, but I'm going to keep it positive today.

I am thankful for...

Spending another holiday with my mom.  She always goes above and beyond on the holidays and I'm glad that I get to share this one with her.  My mom is my rock and she keeps me sane.  She's the best mom I could have asked for and I'm thankful for the time that I do get to spend with her.  I'm thankful that she's starting to do better and she remembers who I am now.  I'm thankful that she can carry a conversation and understands what's going on around her in the morning.

Seeing Rudy on Thanksgiving.  Being in a long distance relationship is very hard.  We've done it before, but only for three months at a time.  We're now deep into month six, and working toward a new goal of living together next fall.  Being apart so much makes things like the holidays hard.  So seeing each other is a real blessing this year.  We're working through our problems together, and finding a way to make it work right now.  I'm very thankful that I will get to see him not only on Thanksgiving, but Christmas and New Years too.  Hopefully next year it won't be as much of an issue.

My friends.  Particularly the ones who have gone out of their way to be there for me lately.  You know who you are.  Everyone has crap going on in their own lives.  That's just how life works.  But I have a handful of friends who push their own crap aside to help me deal with mine.  And for that I am eternally grateful.  I'm very lucky to have made such great friends.

My blog-peeps.  I can't say it enough.  The people who read, comment, give feedback, email, or just drive up my page views are amazing.  If you're reading this, you're amazing.  Whenever I'm feeling particularly down, I come here and reread some of my favorite comments.  Or I look at my stats and feel more connected.  And then I go visit other blogs and feel less alone.  And see that these people have survived, so I can too.  I'm starting to love November because so many of my favorites are blogging more, every day in some cases.  Only you could turn the month of November around for me.

My mentor.  She's been amazing these last few months.  I've been struggling, and she noticed.  She reached out a hand to help me up.  She gave me a creative outlet, a place to leave it all behind and get my frustrations out of my system.  I'm so thankful to have her in my life.

My camera.  It's become so important to me these past few weeks.  I can hardly go a day without taking pictures of something.  And I don't just take pictures, I take LOTS of pictures.  I'm learning a new skill and slowly starting to get better at it.  And it's a break that I need.  I'm grateful that I've had my camera in my hands during some tough times these past few weeks.  And nobody can take it away from me.  It's a skill that's all mine.

My first father.  We've had our ups and downs, but he's been there for me as best he can.  He's making a serious effort and it means the world to me.  He's the father I didn't have growing up, and the father I don't have otherwise in my life right now.  To know I can send a text message and get one back is amazing.  He makes me laugh when nobody else is even trying because they don't care.  Someday, things will be different and I'll have to share our relationship more.  Right now it's just the two of us but someday others will be there in the background when they know about me.  So I'm going to be thankful for what we have right now, because it's what I need at this particular moment at this particular time.  I'm going to enjoy it for now and we'll see what happens in the future.

For all of these things I'm thankful.  And I'm thankful that I'm smart enough to see that changes do need to be made in my life and for making some steps in the right direction.  I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

Wish I Could Fast Forward

Fast Forward Please?

I can't help but feeling that things are changing once again.  There's been a lot of changes in my life lately, including today when I head over to my cousin's wedding, the first cousin to be married (on my adoptive mom's side anyway).  One change is that we got new furniture for our family room and kitchen so our whole living space looks different.  Another change is that my friends have jobs now so I see them less often.  And my adoptive sister has moved back home and is causing problems again.  Though the problems part isn't a change, her living back at home is.  My stress level has gone through the roof because I can't handle the toxic environment in that house.  Everyone hates each other.  I swear, it's so bad you could cut the tension with a knife.  I digress...

My reunion feels like it's changing.  There's talk of me potentially being let out of the closet a little bit.  I really don't want to get my hopes up.  A few months ago, I would have been absolutely thrilled at the idea of anyone finding out about me.  I would have been so thrilled to feel like I was moving forward in some way.  But right now, I can't imagine any other changes in my life.  What if my family, who for now doesn't know about me, doesn't want to meet me?  What if they are so hurt by the whole thing they don't want to deal with me?  Then because they know about me, it's really up to them when to get in touch with me.  So I have to have the idea of reunion floating over my head?

I don't want to sound whiny.  That's not my intention.  It's just that when I've entered into a reunion relationship with someone new (and so far it's only been two people), it's been all consuming.  It's all I can think about for days.  I write and rewrite emails.  I ponder over every message, every picture.  I wonder where things are going to go.  And I can't help but think about how things could end so badly.  It's stressful and amazing all at the same time.  On one hand I get to know my family, something that I've always wanted.  Missing puzzle pieces aren't so missing anymore.  And I am a new person now that I finally feel like I have a background I can be proud of.  But at the same time, I've got so much on my plate right now.  So so much.

All of these changes keep happening and I have no control over it.  I know that if I asked SinginInTheRain for some space, he'd back off ASAP.  I know he would.  I still might not be a secret, but I could request for some more time before starting to build any new relationships.  But we all know that I would never forgive myself if I did that.  And we all know that's not going to work for me.

So it looks like I'm going to have to get on board and deal with this now.  I'm going to have to organize my life in such a way that I can deal with a possible new reunion (or two) within the next month.  Who knows?  It could go wonderfully.  A lot of times I go back and reread my posts where I had a minor flip out and I can't help but laugh because I was worried over nothing.  I'm hoping that this turns out to be nothing.

At the same time, nothing is set in stone.  Plans could change.  Plans probably will change.  More likely, Thanksgiving break will come and go and it won't be any different.  I also don't think that I'd even be told if the possibility of telling is put off.  I think it would just be glossed over.  I'd have to ask, and how does one ask about that?  Can you imagine it?  "Hey um, so you mentioned before that I wasn't going to be a big secret anymore, just maybe a medium sized secret.  Um, yeah, so how's that going?"  Pretty sure if I have to ask, I'm going to do it just like that! ;-)

To end this post on a good note, my life could change for the better.  It really could.  I could end up with a new relationship that makes my life better.  It could be amazing.  It could be the start of something that will continue for the rest of my life.  A wonderful thing.  Maybe that's why I'm so scared.  Because right now I can dream of that.  Come this time next month, I may know if it's not going to come to pass.  Sigh.  Wish life has a fast forward button sometimes!

Birthday Visit Back On!

I spent yesterday feeling pretty sorry for myself.  The truth is, I hadn't heard from my first father other than a text or two over the week.  I haven't talked to him in over a week, and he wasn't getting back to me about my birthday.  I got a text on Monday saying it probably wasn't going to happen, and no mention of it again in the email that he sent this week (which I got yesterday).  So it was frustrating because I was supposed to technically tell my boss by Wednesday if I needed the day off.  So yesterday hit, I hadn't asked for the day, hadn't heard anything new, and figured that there was no way we were going to be able to make things work.  Cue the chocolate.  Sorry Halloween kids, you have a few less Kit Kat bars to choose from this year.

I decided around five o'clock as I was leaving work that I was going to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I was going to pick myself back up and move forward with my life.  Why not take my birthday off anyway?  My first father offered to meet me for lunch where I work so I could still see him without taking a whole day off.  He probably only has a few hours free anyway, so why waste a whole day on that?  I could take my birthday off, hang out with my mom for a few hours, get a massage, and maybe do a little shopping.  I could keep busy enough not to remember what I was missing.  Also, maybe if my first father was stuck at home without a car he could Skype me or something.  That might be fun.  So I picked myself back up, went and got a new haircut (jury's still out on that one) and ate some chocolate.  My favorite TV show came on (Grey's Anatomy, just wish they'd take the adoption story line out), and I was feeling better.  Not fantastic, but a lot better.  And then I got the text.

"Set the date, I can make the 26th!"

So now I AM going to get to see my first father on my birthday.  I have a nice boss.  I'm sure he'll let me take the day off.  It's still over a week before the day and I'm the new kid so maybe he'll go easy on me.  I'm hoping anyway.  So fingers crossed it will all work out alright.

Plans for the day:

Meet at the mall near me because he can park his car there, it's easy to find, and it's a fun place to hang out for a bit (plus I spend a lot of time there).

Go for a drive around my hometown.  Show him where I went to school, where I played soccer, where I used to hang out with my friends (this should take all of about ten minutes because my town is tiny).

Go back to the mall and get lunch.  Most defiantly get some sort of cake for dessert.  There's a Whole Foods there with killer desserts so I'm pretty excited.

So I'm really looking forward to my birthday now.  Like seriously looking forward to it!  Yay!  Doing the happy dance now :-)

Father's Day

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