What to Do About NeverTooLate?

Ugly topic needs a pretty picture

I've been thinking about what this whole not caring anymore thing means to me.  There were a lot of things that I couldn't do before because I didn't want to upset my first father.  Having a relationship with him was more important to me that accomplishing some of my other goals because I made him a top priority.  But now that I don't particularly care about the whole thing the way that I used to, I have a whole lot of other options that have been opened up for me.  I'm not going to act on anything right now (anything I do should be for the right reason, not as a reaction to him hurting me the way he did).  But I still have several options to consider.

First of all, I want to meet my first mother.  I couldn't force her hand before because of my first father.  Well, I don't have to worry about that anymore.  I was willing to wait a long time to meet her.  I don't have to now.  I'm thinking that this summer is an option.  As I've said before, I want to meet my first mother while my adoptive mother is still alive.  I want to be able to go home to see my mom, the one who raised me and who means the world to me.  And I do feel that I need to meet my first mother in order to move forward with my life.  I need to be able to move on and I can't do that without meeting her.  It will always be hanging over my head.  And I'm just a little be encouraged by the fact that she stood up for me.  Maybe she doesn't hate me after all...

So I am considering my options.  I just might pull a "We're going to meet.  We could do this so that it works for you and meet somewhere you won't be recognized and when you can get away from your family without them asking major questions, or I could just show up.  You're choice".  I couldn't do that before because it would seriously tick off my first father, who's protective of her, but not me.  Yes, he went there once and told me that.  But now I don't have to worry about him.  To be clear, I never wanted it to come down to this.  I never wanted that.  I wanted her to want to meet me.  I wanted to wait.  But I can't have this hanging over my head.  I want it done and over with.  I want to move on.

I feel like I need to move on from this place.  I feel like this whole experiment failed.  I made an honest go with NeverTooLate, and she didn't want to know me.  She doesn't want to hear my voice.  She doesn't want to see me.  She just wants to pretend I don't exist, except apparently on the holidays when the guilt gets to her.  I tried again with my first father, even though I'd been warned that married first parents are less likely to want contact. For over a year, I gave it my all.  I broke down walls that I had put in place to protect myself from getting hurt. And it only took him a little over a month to completely crush me.

Going back isn't an option.  The only thing to do is to move forward.  I'll always be adopted.  I'll always deal with these core issues.  And I'll always have another family out there.  But I'm also always going to be someone's dirty little secret, their source of shame.  I didn't do anything wrong.  I never asked for this.  And I certainly shouldn't have to deal with such a horrible fall out all because I wanted to know where I came from.  I truly believe that the best way to move forward is to meet my first mother and move on with my life.  If the email thing works with my first father, we'll see what happens.  But I honestly don't know how much more heartache I can take.

We'll see what happens.  Like I said, I don't want to be reactionary.  I just want to be able to move on.