I just found your blog and it was interesting that the first post I read was about something that has concerned me. My little girl is 2 years old now and we are in an open adoption situation where we have visited with the birthparents and have regular contact with them, and her birthmother's extended family as well. I really want my daughter to embrace both of her families and I think that she will have some opportunities to have that "oh you look like..." experience since we have pictures (she could be her birthmother's twin at the same age) and she will have regular contact with her biological family as she grows. Is there any advice you could give me that would help us balance her life so that she grows up feeling secure about her place in both families?For starters, I think that you're on the right track by reading adult adoptee blogs and asking questions. Growing up, I wish my adoptive parents had done more at times to try to understand what it meant for me to be adopted. I love my adoptive parents and think they did a great job, except for that one thing. So coming here and asking questions gets you a big thumbs up from me!
I wish I had an open adoption. Mine was closed, so any advice comes from my perception of how open adoption works as an adoptee from a closed system. However, I do think that all you can really do as an adoptive parent is to make sure that your daughter feels secure in your family.
You can't control her first family and how they treat her. You can hope that they are going to help her feel secure in their relationship. You can encourage the relationship and be supportive of that relationship. You can maintain your own relationship with her first family as well, even though it might be really hard. I used to look to my parents for cues as to how I should feel about my first family. When I was younger, they said wonderful things about them and so therefore, I felt great about my first family. Then as I got older, outside influences started to effect that view because I was told a different story. When I asked my adoptive parents about my first parents when I started to question things, they didn't jump in with "Oh they were wonderful people" but rather "Well, they were young and you know they probably don't want to be found". Even though my "relationship" with my first parents was in my head, that relationship still suffered when my adoptive parents weren't encouraging a positive thought process. Maybe my adoptive parents wanted me to be realistic about my first parents. Who knows? Here's the thing. Your daughter will have a relationship with her first family. Fantastic! But she's going to look to you for guidance now and then. If you show her that you have a good relationship with them, she'll know that it's OK. Sort of like, lead by example.
That's just my take on it. Let her feel secure about her place in your family, which is the environment that you control. As for her first family, if you maintain a positive relationship with them and encourage (not force) her relationship with them, then I think you're doing great. Thanks for the great question! You really made me think!
Any other adoptees have their own answers to give?
My a-mom felt threatened by my birth mother. This was heartwrenching for me. Once I found my first mother, my a-mom started making all kinds of comparisons, a sure-fire recipe for misery. I think my a-mom felt a need to be an ideal parent. That need was partly fueled by the idea that she needed to be better than the mother who gave me up. I couldn't talk about my birth mother with my a-mom unless I wanted to make mom's blood pressure rise.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, my first mother has expressed a lot of disappointment over the years about the way I was raised.
Since neither mother approved of the other, and I am a product of both, I have sometimes felt that neither mother truly liked me. It has attached a level of shame to being an adopted person.
If I were a child in an open adoption, it would be great if both mothers could develop a genuine friendship. Not just a working relationship for my sake. It would be great to see them laughing with each other, sharing recipes, etc. I think many people can't handle that kind of relationship though.
I know one birth mother in an open adoption who has been blocked from the APs FB page. It upsets her greatly, and probably colors the way she reacts when her son talks about his a-parents. If I had been in an open adoption I would have liked all of my parents to at least be Facebook friends. Minimum.
It's very hard for me to say, as I am middle-aged and am just now in reunion. I see bits of facades crumbling and know my aparents' weak places. I think my first family is very open to relationship with my afamily, and my aparents are, *in theory*, but the reality of seeing me with my fmom, and having her touch me and take care of me (get me glasses of water, even), etc., might be a bit much for my amom. I know my amom wants me to be loved by everyone, but my finding my first family cannot help but bring up all the issues of infertility that she had buried and ignored so well for 40+ years. Names and rejection aren't real people I belong to, but I now have flesh and blood people in my life. They are likely threatening, but she is not the kind of woman you can talk things over with. That is vulgar and dangerous. I have tried over the years, and it doesn't end well.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jenn that trying hard to make time for your daughter's first family is important, and watching the words and tone of voice that you use about them is also paramount. Adoptees pick up on very, very subtle clues from our parents. Whatever you can do to extend yourself, great. If your daughter's first family cannot reciprocate at this time, you cannot control that.
I can imagine that Megan's situation was very painful, knowing some of the particulars she's shared, and it wasn't fair of either mother to pull Megan in her direction or pass judgment, no matter how disappointed she was.
I think the Facebook suggestion is good. My first mom is FB friends with my adad, and that's going well. Neither one of them is a prolific poster, but they both have access to my page, where I say kind things about both families. Everyone is behaving, for now, anyway! Again, I have the benefit of being an adult and able to referee things myself; I can see how it would be harder for you, as a parent, with a very, very young adoptee. You are just trying to create the best environment and best *potential* for her that you possibly can.
And that's all you really can do: the best you are able, even if things aren't as open as you'd like them now. Things may change, things *will* change. My story is proof of that! Time can really help heal old wounds and soften people's views, and eventually, your daughter will be able to drive things. I am certain she will be very proud of you.
I am so glad that Trish asked this question, and I so appreciate your answer! I'm a new adoptive parent who is building an open relationship with my son's first mother, and I'm learning to navigate that relationship. Thank you to both responders; you've both given me confidence that this can work, even if it gets bumpy (all relationships do at some point), and not to give up. You've helped me see that this can be the best course for my son. . .now if I could only explain it to my family and not get so many dubious looks and concerned questions. (Concerned as in, "What if runs off with him?")
ReplyDeleteThat was supposed to say, "What if she runs off with him?"
Delete