How Blogging Fits Into My Life

Blogging isn't something for the weak of heart.  I'm not talking about people who blog privately for their family and friends.  It's a fantastic way to keep people updated, but it's not quite the same thing as blogging publicly when your readers probably don't know you in real life.  It's not something that you can take on without being willing to put yourself out there.  I have strangers reading about some of the most personal things about me.  And they have the all powerful choice of commenting.  And they can say whatever they want about my very personal thoughts.  I've been very lucky that my readers have been kind to me in the comments thus far.  But that doesn't mean it will always be that way...

I've had a few discussions lately about blogging and how it fits into my life.  For me, this is a blog about my life as an adopted person.  The adopted part is what I write about most frequently, but that doesn't mean that I never blog about other things in my life.  Or the people in it.  That being said, I do my best to keep things private as much as I can. I'm somewhat anonymous here and I don't use real names.  Yes, I use nicknames but unless you know me in real life, you'd have no way of knowing who those people are.  It's just a lot easier to write "Rudy" than "my boyfriend" (and so on and so forth).

As in any adoption blog, I'm going to blog about my family.  My adoption is surrounded by family.  One family gave me away and another family took me in (in one manner of speaking).  So that means that my first parents are going to be a frequent topic, you know, because they are the ones who put me up for adoption.  Just like my adoptive parents are going to be frequent topics of discussion, you know, being the ones who took me in and all.  As for the rest of my family, yes, they are going to come up.  They play a part in my adoption story.  My sister is the one who gave me the information I needed to complete my search.  My aunts have been super supportive when I've needed to talk about my adoption issues.  My first uncle and I share a profession (how random is that?), which is probably going to come up.  Otherwise, what would I write about?

I'm not just about adoption.  I have other things going on with my life.  I have a boyfriend.  I have friends.  I have a job.  All of these things may or may not come up in my blog.  I'm human.  I'm a person.  I have a life.  That's the thing about adoption.  It's always there.  It's always present.  And adoptees have to live with that each and every single day.

Rudy knows that I blog here.  He picked his own nickname.  He sometimes reads here.  I have two friends that I gave this blog address too.  One from my hometown (the only one from my hometown with the URL other than me) and one from college.  That's it.  Three people from my "real" life.  I haven't passed out the URL because I don't like the idea of writing thinking that my entire family is reading over my shoulder.  I don't think I could be as personal.  It's too intense for me to think about that.  And honestly?  I don't think I could handle having such intense conversations about adoption with my adoptive family (or my first family for that matter).  They don't know how painful my adoption has been for me, and it would hurt them to find out.  So I keep my happy adoptee face on when I'm around them, and write about my pain here.

I've been debating going private lately.  I'm still debating, but I'm airing on the side of keeping this public after I read something on Facebook last week about not letting one person ruin your day if there are almost 7 billion other people out there.  I just don't want to deal with drama.  I'll probably keep it public.  We'll see.

Thanks for reading,

Wearing Big Girl Panties

I don't always feel like a grown up.  There are several reasons for this.  It's a problem.

For starters, I live at home.  With my parents.  Who don't view me as an adult.  So it's pretty hard to feel like a grown up when your parents are telling you what to do from the moment you walk through the door after work (a big girl job too!) until you go to bed (and they tell you when that is).  Sigh.  It's not their fault.  It's a common thing that parents don't see their adult children as adults.  Especially when they are still living at home.  So I'll always be their little girl.  It just gets annoying.  That's not going to change until I move out.  Which can't happen for a least a few more months.  Oh well.  I'll get there!

Next, this whole reunion thing sent be backwards a bit.  Something about connecting with a parent.  It's hard to do so as an adult.  So it's easier to think about when I was a kid and try to relate to my first parents from that point of view.  I'm not saying I acted like a kid around them.  Not at all.  But it made me take a step back into childhood and revisit a lot of those memories.  It's hard to move forward when you're looking back.  But at the same time, I had to look back.  I just got a bit stuck there.  I'll get over it.

The majority of my friends are my own age or younger.  We're all in various stages in terms of where we're living, our states of employment, and where we are with school.  The best way for everyone to connect is to act like we're still in college at times.  Because that's the thing that we all have in common.  But it doesn't make one feel horribly grown up.  I'm having a lot of fun with them.  And I'm not going to give that up.  But still, doesn't make one feel like a mature college graduate.  And let's not forget that Rudy lives at home as well.  So even when I visit him, it's not the same as if one of us had our own apartment.

It's not a huge problem, but at this point in my life, I do feel ready for more.  I do have a big girl job.  I'm making plans to have my own big girl place.  My boyfriend and I are talking about our future together, something that might actually materialize in the next year or two.  And I'm starting to think about what it is that I want out of life.  It's time to make some big girl decisions.  I can't imagine that I graduated high school six years ago (nearly).  It's unbelievable to me.  Time flew by so fast.  So I don't want to spend the next six years or so in a state of fogginess.

The purpose of my search and reunion was so that I could feel more complete.  So that I could get my answers and live a better life.  To figure out my past so I could enjoy the present and the future.  And I learned some hard lessons.  But I'm putting my big girl panties on.  I've decided that if I want to be more grown up, I have to act that way.  And that means standing up for myself.  That means treating me the way I deserve, rather than pushing me aside and letting other people do whatever they want and walk all over me.  I'm not the same girl I was two years ago.  I'm no where close to being the same girl I was six years ago.  I realized that six years ago I let other people walk all over me and didn't do anything about it because I was scared.  Now I'm letting two people walk all over me and I'm justifying it because I think it's the "right" thing to do.  So I'm not going to justify it anymore.  I won't tolerate it.  Nobody else is going to stand up for me.  So I'm going to have to do it myself.

What's OK To Blog About?

Some interesting stuff has been going on in blogland.  I wanted to write about it last week, but I hesitated because of some real world drama I was dealing with regarding this blog.  But I think it's important to discuss.

The big question seems to be: what is it OK to blog about and what isn't?  I don't have an answer for this question.  I wish I did.  It's not a land of black and white.  It's a land filled with grays of every shade.  It's a minefield and nobody it seems agrees on exactly what's OK and what crosses "the line".  Because nobody really can say where that line is.

To me, adoption is very personal.  It took a lot for me to open up about, and a lot to post about it on a public blog, because this is after all a public blog.  I don't use real names, I keep things vague, and I don't post photographs of people.  The photos that I post of myself are obscured to the point where I don't think you'd know it was me if you passed me on the street (big sunglasses anyone?).  So I post publicly about a personal subject.  What's fair game?  It's something that I'm learning as time goes on.

My first parents don't know about this blog.  I've tried to be respectful of their privacy here.  I've never posted their pictures.  I don't use their names.  Most of the posts that reveal anything that's even close to a detail about this is located on a private blog.  If one of my first parent's family members found this blog, I've done everything I can to make it so that they wouldn't be able to figure it out.  I'm very careful of their privacy.  But at the same time, I know it might make them feel uncomfortable to find out I was blogging about our reunion, especially my first mother who is very very private.  Do I have a right to blog about what happened with her?

For me, I do think I can blog about it.  I've really struggled with this however.  I've questioned myself a lot about my motivations.  But while I'm not perfect and sometimes I move things over to the private site, I continue to blog.  It's my way of connecting with my larger community.  I have connected with others who are able to help me understand what she's going through better.  And I think it would be different if I used her name, if this blog was connected to me in real life, or if I was saying nasty things about her.  But I try to be positive.  I try to keep things neutral (though I know they aren't always).  I don't call her names.  I don't bash either of my first parents though sometimes I'd like to.  This happened to me.  I didn't have a say in it.  And this is about my life and how I see it.

The thing is, adoption is a part of my life.  But it's not my entire life.  So sometimes I post about other things, things that aren't 100% adoption related.  It happens.  I'm a person, I'm human, and I want at times to show my readers that "Look!  I'm a real boy!" kind of thing.  I know I have a number of non-adopted readers here.  Do you go out with your friends?  I do to!  Do you have family drama not related to adoption?  I do to!  Do you have trials in your life that aren't adoption related?  Me too!  Look!  We're more alike than you think!  I don't mean that meanly.  It's my way of trying to connect.  I hope I succeed, but I know that sometimes posts fall flat.  For that, I'm sorry.

Joy had some great advice over on Joy's Division.  Defiantly worth a read!  Also, some other lovely ladies posted similar topics last week too... Suz at Writing My Wrongs and Lorraine on FMF.  Check it out!

Different Sides of Me

It's me!

There are so many different sides of me as a person.  It really all depends on my mood.

Some days I'm a happy person.  I can't stop smiling and I love to laugh.  I crack jokes that really aren't that funny, but the right people laugh anyway because I tried.  Simple things amuse me and I feel high on life.  These days often involve music, lots of music.  And dancing.  And photos.  And people.

Some days, I'm a thoughtful person.  These are days when I tend to be productive blogging.  I like to think things through.  I like to plan.  I'm careful, methodical, and I pay attention to detail.  If I have a problem, I'll plan out several scenarios.  I want to know my options.  I come up with creative solutions.  I discuss with others who know more than I do.  I research.  My computer is my friend.  I'm quiet, lost in thought.

Other days I'm sad.  I'm grieving the loss of the mother I knew.  I'm learning to live with my family again.  I'm missing my partner and the ease we had in college seeing each other every day.  I check my phone for messages every half hour.  I look for distractions.  I watch a lot of TV, read books, and sometimes I even try working out.

Then there are the days when I'm hyper.  I exercise and feel good afterward.  I organize.  Closets get cleaned out, laundry gets done, and to-do lists are made.  I shop for things I need, spend money I shouldn't, and often walk away with something I really should return.  I bounce off walls, I talk on the phone, and I do way too much at once.  Sometimes I'm productive, sometimes I'm not.  I lose my focus, but can often gain it back.  I eat sugar on those days.  It's probably not a good idea.

Let's not forget when I'm in my control mode.  I am a go-getter.  I make things happen.  I take a crappy situation, find a solution, and go for it.  I thrive off actions.  I'm productive.  I explain to people what they need to do to get things done.  I take complete charge.

And sometimes, just sometimes, I'm just me.  I'm the girl who takes care of everyone else but just wants someone to take care of me.  I'm the girl who spends a vacation planning another vacation, only the next one is with a special someone.  I'm the girl who loves Dunkin Donut's Raspberry Iced Tea.  I'm the girl who lives to dance and laugh, letting the music take over.  I love my family, enjoy my friends, and adore my dog.

I am all of these things, all of these sides of my personality.  My personality at times can be like New England weather.  If you don't like it, wait until tomorrow; it will change.

Goals For 2012

Happy New Year Everyone!

In honor of the New Year, I'm going to post some goals for 2012.  I never seem to do well with resolutions, so instead I'm going to post goals for the year and see how many of them I can make come true!  I know it's going to be a great year.  For starters, my favorite number is 12, so bring it on 20-12!  So here are my goals in no particular order.

1. Read at least one book a month
2. Take my cousins to the movies just because
3. Do yoga at least three times a week
4. Comment on each blog that I follow at least once a month
5. Meet my first mother
6. Clean out my closet, including the back shelves
7. Go on an amazing vacation
8. Learn to cook three dinner dishes really well
9. Learn two new skills
10. Post several book reviews on the blog
11. Relax more
12. Be more creative with my photography
13. Visit a new place I've never been to
14. Meet new people and make new friends
15. Go out on the town one night I feel like staying in
16. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
17. Pay off at least half of my loans
18. Get an apartment
19. Learn the names of the people who sit around me at work
20. Live life to the fullest

I'm going to do my hardest to work at all of these goals.  Some are a lot easier than others!  I've read four books this month, so I'm not worried about that goal.  Other things I can easily get done once and cross them off the list.  Other things are going to take some persistence (like commenting on blogs and doing yoga).  Others are more of a mindset, like learning to relax and living life to the fullest.  However, I believe in myself so I'm going to give it my all!

So here's to 2012!  May you best the best year ever!

Things To Look Forward To

While 2011 was an interesting year, 2012 is right around the corner and I'm so looking forward to it!  2012 is going to be a fantastic year for me, I can just tell!

For starters, I have some amazing concerts coming up.  I'm going to see Blake Shelton with my sister and cousins in a few months.  I have a mini-crush (ok, maybe not so mini) and I can't wait to see him in person.  I love his music and I can't wait to see him sing "Honeybee" in person.  In the spring, I'm going with one of my best friends to see Lady Antebellum (for the third time!) and Darius Rucker (who is my second favorite singer these days).  We're going to celebrate my friend's birthday and her graduation.  We both love country music and those artists, so I can't wait to enjoy a fun concert with her!

My two closest friends will be returning to the US after living in Africa.  Both ladies will be home around the summertime.  I can't wait to have them home!  I hate hearing stories about civil unrest and running to the computer to see how far away it is from both of them.  And one friend in particular has gotten sick over there a few times and that's a really scary thing.  So I can't wait until they both come home!  I'm so happy that they are having a great time and learning great things, but coming home is fun too.

It's time for me to get my own place.  I'm going to start looking for an apartment in the spring.  I'll have been home for a year and paid off a good portion of my loans.  So I think it's time for me to think about moving out on my own to start my own life.  I love my parents.  They are awesome.  Sure, the Grinch has been a major pain in my ass the last few months, but he's my dad so I'll always love him.  He means well most of the time.  And my mom is amazing.  She's a saint.  And my sister and I are starting to get along better.  But never the less, I need to start my own life and learn to take care of myself.  So I'll be moving on, while staying close enough to home that I can still visit whenever I want.

The Adoptee Rights Convention is going to be in Chicago in 2012.  I'm determined to be in attendance!  Unfortunately San Antonio didn't work out.  But Chicago is much more manageable and because I know about it a long time in advance, I've already starting putting money aside for it.  I can't wait to meet some of the wonderful people I've met online in person and to move from just being an e-activist to working towards equal rights for adoptees in person.

There's got to be a lot of stuff that I'm missing, but these are the big things that jump out at me.  You never know what the year will bring!  So here's to a fantastic and hopeful 2012!

Another Letter

Dear KungFuPanda,

First of all, congratulations!  I'm so excited that you've been accepted into college and that you received a scholarship!  It's an amazing accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself.  I've heard it all through the grapevine and there's nothing I want more than to share in this joy with you.  But since I cannot, I'm writing you a letter on a public blog instead.

I have some sisterly advice for you when it comes to college.  Take what you can from it and throw out the rest.  Which oddly how you should take all advice...  Back to the point!

College is different than high school.  You're parents aren't going to be around.  You're truly on your own.  You have your friends, but you probably won't know many people at first.  It's scary to face a room full of people and to not know anyone.  But remember that they are scared too.  They don't know anyone either.  So be open.  Be friendly.  And you'll find your friends.  Sometimes all it takes is a smile and a kind word.  You'll quickly find that your friends become your family in college.  Be good to them and they'll be good to you.

You're going to have a lot of time on your hands.  More time than you've ever had before.  You no longer are sitting in a classroom from eight until two every day.  You probably only have about fifteen hours of class a week.  Use that extra time wisely.  I don't mean lock yourself up in the library either.  Sometimes the best things that you can learn in college are discovered by getting out there and meeting new people.  Join a club you never would have considered in high school.  Attend a religious ceremony for a religion you know nothing about (try to find a friend to go with though so they can explain it to you).  Volunteer.  Play video games with the kid down the hall.  Learn about life.  Study so you do well in your classes.

Now for the not so much fun stuff.  Be careful.  Be safe.  Not everybody you meet is going to be a good person.  So you're going to need to exercise some judgement and have some common sense.  If you go out with your girlfriends, come home with your girlfriends.  Keep your cell phone with you at all times and make sure you charge it before you go out.  Always have an emergency $20 for a cab in case you need it.  Learn your school's safety system and put the number for the college police in your cell phone.  You've probably been told this a million times, but it's worth being said again.  Watch your drink.  Watch it while the bartender is pouring it.  If you put it down and walk away, get a new drink.  Know your limits and stick to them.  Water in a red solo cup is a great way to stop people from bugging you to drink more.  It's better to be prepared and not need it than to be unprepared and get yourself accidentally in trouble.  You're smart.  I know you have the tools to keep yourself safe.

You're a bright girl.  You're going to go far.  It may seem scary at first and out of reach, but I know that you can accomplish anything you set your mind too.  And trust me, these next four years are going to fly by.  You'll look back someday and wonder where your college years went.  So live in the moment.  Have fun!  You've got a big sister out there somewhere who's silently supporting and praying for you.  You can do this kid!

Your big sister,

Goals for the Week

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!  Today continues my vacation that I started last Friday.  Thanks to my company giving us all some time off (Friday and today, plus the Monday after New Years) and my remaining vacation time, I'm able to enjoy this whole week off (which turned out to be 11 days).  So ten points to me!  I have a few goals for this very busy week.

My first goal is to clean out the trunk of my car.  It's full right now.  Mostly with jackets, shoes, and books.  So I need to bring in all the jackets and hang them in the closet, put the shoes away in the bin under my bed, and get the books back into the bookcase.  That's the plan for today.  I know I can get it done!

My next goal is to order my new dresser.  My dad took my old one for the guest bedroom and promised to buy me a new one, one that I can take with me when I move.  So I picked out the one I want, I just need to order it online using my dad's credit card.  That's another goal that I think I can accomplish today.  I'm determined.

I'm pretty sure I can get both of these things done in time to go visit with an old friend.  She was my neighbor growing up (and my mentor's daughter).  I was the flower girl in her wedding.  Her oldest daughter just got into college this month (and is the same age as KungFuPanda).  I didn't know this until recently, but her husband is an adoptee.  Go figure...  We've been trying to meet up forever but it just hasn't worked out.  Seeing her is a top goal for the week!

Tomorrow I have the annual Christmas party for my mom's side of the family.  The kids do a gift grab and the adults do a Yankee Swap.  It's pretty funny.  One of my uncle's in notorious for stopping somewhere to get a gift card on the way to the party where the rest of us plan for weeks as to what to get.  Naturally everyone wants the gift card he buys and his gift is the most popular swapped item.  Nice...

Wednesday is my "down day".  My mom had a baby book that she made for me.  It's all about my adoption with cute baby pictures of me.  I have mixed feelings about it.  Some of the language isn't so great to deal with but at the same time, it's a part of my history.  My mom used to read it to me as a bedtime story.  A few years ago the pages started to yellow so my mom ripped it apart to save the pictures.  She promised to put it back together again but never got around to it.  I found a few websites that will let me put it back together again as long as I scan the photos.  No more yellow pages!  So the goal for Wednesday is to put the book back together again online and order it.  My mom is going to help me so it should be a lot of fun to spend some time with her.

Thursday I will probably go to Connecticut to spend some time with my "school" family.  It ought to be a fun time.  I'm planning on celebrating New Years in Times Square (I'm crazy I know) and coming home Sunday night.  That leaves Monday to finish anything that I didn't get done over the week.  It's not much of a vacation (though the weekend will be) but I put so much off for "when I have time" that I really need to get done this week to start the year off right!

Wish me luck!  I'm going to need it...

Reunion Fun

My high school reunion was this past weekend.  It was... interesting to say the least.  I surprisingly had a great time.  I went with my friends (who I didn't hang out with in high school - we became friends after we graduated) and Rudy made the trip up for the weekend (and blew off his own reunion).  A few surprises from the night:

1) Senior year, my prom date treated me like crap.  He ignored me, failed to tell me I looked nice (this is a big no-no!  ALWAYS compliment your date no matter what!), and waved at me from the car when he dropped me off.  Not even a hug goodbye or anything.  We hung out once after graduation, and I was invited to dinner with his family via text message after he graduated college, but declined.  He texted me last week to see if I wanted to go to the reunion together.  I politely explained I was going with friends.  I also made sure that he knew when it was because the whole thing was planned and advertised via Facebook and he doesn't have one.  I'm such a nice person.  In the end, he walked up to me, shook my hand, and walked away.  A 20 second encounter.  Rudy says he was watching me the whole night.  Go figure.

2) I had a boy torture me in high school because he was threatened by a smart girl.  Loser.  Anyway, I didn't really want to see him every again.  Sure enough he was there.  Not only was he there, he was in the group behind us in line as we had to wait for a half hour to get into the bar.  Joy.  He was talking to my friend, and another guy.  I went over because I figured it would be good to get it out of the way.  He didn't remember my name but remembered my face apparently, and insisted on giving me a hug.  I gave him a dirty look back.  Then he made some comment about how he wasn't living in our hometown anymore, like it was a bad thing to still live there with my parents.  His friend jumped in and explained that the asshole was living with his parents, just in an apartment in a different town. I said something mean.  I'm not a mean person.  But he's the only one that I think pissed me off enough that I wanted a bit of revenge.  So I said "Wow, that makes me feel a lot happier about my own situation!"  His friend started laughing and wanted to know where this version of me was five years ago.  I smiled and walked away.  I realized that the asshole was just as much a loser now as five years ago.  I mean, who shows up to a five year reunion wearing a Kermit the Frog hat on backwards and a Penn State t-shirt?

3) I saw an old "friend" at a bar a few weeks ago.  Talk about awkward.  She knew all about my mom (but not the details because she assumed my mom's tumor had been removed -- never going to happen) and wanted me to know she was there for me.  Good grief.  Turns out she was too drunk to make it in the bar for the reunion.  Another friend had to put her up in a hotel room for the night so she could sleep it off.  Classy.

So really, it all went pretty well.  The high school popular girls were drinking by themselves, refusing to talk to anyone.  The middle tier was basking in attention from all the popular guys who suddenly noticed them after they had gone off to college girls and come back women.  The bottom tier showed up looking completely different and with social skills to boot.  And then there were the no-shows, a few of which were surprising.  Some people were abroad and unable to attend, but a good amount just didn't show.  I think some of them were scared to face the rest of us after tormenting us in high school.

We'll see how the ten year goes.  I told Rudy we could go to his ten year if he wanted because he came to my five.  He was excited about that.  I can't wait to try to pass off as a student from his high school.  I'll just say I was the triangle player in the band :-)

Blog Book?

I have a very good friend who sometimes reads my blog.  She's been a fantastic support system for me, listens to me rant from time to time (sorry about that!) and she's always calm, cool, and collected about everything.  She's helped me get through some rough times, provides an outside perspective, and offers some great advice.  She's also one of the people I trust to read emails and to help me figure out the right thing to do (like that first message I sent my first father).  I'm so lucky to have a great friend in my life like that (and I'm very lucky for some of my other friends too!!!).

Anyway, a while back, she asked a question of me that I didn't know how to answer.  She told me that she enjoys reading from time to time, and that she wonders if I would ever consider turning my musings into a book.  I laughed at the time, but it's come up again.  Not that I would seriously consider this at this point in my life (I now have a job, I have nearly three hundred posts and some are LONG, and I don't like where the story would end right now) but it got me thinking.  I started this blog as a sort of online journal and I love going back and reading old posts.  It's going to sound weird, but I don't always remember writing every post.  A good number of them I do, but some of them I sit there and wonder… "Did I really write that?"  Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes not so much! :-)

Anyway, I started hunting around on Google and I found a few cool sites that let you turn your blog into a book.  It's expensive, but it just turns the blog into print form.  Not a big deal.  I'm actually thinking about doing this at the end of the year.  I started blogging in January, and I think it might be nice to have all the blog postings from the year in a nice bound book.  I think it pulls all the comments too.  And one of the sites lets you edit it.  So I can do some minor editing if I want and make it look pretty.  And take out the random posts that I do when I can't think of anything to write.

So I think I'm going to start working on this.  Like I said, it's a huge project.  But I'm taking some time off at the end of the year, so it might be the perfect time to sit back, watch a movie with my laptop, and slowly start to do my editing.  Happy New Year present to me!

This got me thinking though.  So I made an adoption book for myself.  And I keep adding to it.  I'm still working on a major update.  But now I'm wondering if it might be nice to have that printed and bound too.  So rather than just a binder with pages in it, I'd have everything in a nicely bound book.  It's something to think about.  The hard part would be where to break it off.  I have over two hundred pages worth of emails and they keep coming every week.  I think I'd just do it for a year.  Like "Jenn and SinginInTheRain Emails Year 1 2010-2011".  And then maybe next year or something I could do another book if it's still a lot of emails.  We'll see.

It's just something I've been thinking about.  But it did occur to me that I'm going to have a mini-library if I really go for it.  I could see one book (big book) with the first year of my blog posts.  Another book with my adoption background information and NeverTooLate's emails.  And a third with the first year of my emails with SinginInTheRain.  And oh, btw, these all cost nearly $100.  I don't really have all that money saved up right now, but maybe I could start a fund aka "Jenn would really like cash for her birthday and Christmas!".  I don't know, I'll figure something out!

Like I said, I'm thinking about it.  We'll see!

The B Word

Scarlet B

When I started to "get in touch" with my adoptee issues, it dawned on me that insults I'd been hearing my whole life (never aimed at me) actually were a slur against me and others who were not born to married parents.  I never considered myself to be illegitimate or a bastard because I never really took the time to think about what those words meant.  I never took the time to realize that those words are not just insults that are thrown around, they imply things about the person, mainly, that their parents were not married and that's a bad thing.  While I can understand that our society thinks all people should be married before having children, our world is not like that today.  Children are born out of wedlock.  Men marry men, women marry women.  There are single mothers, and single fathers.  It happens.  It's something that I learned in school.  There are many ways to have a family and not all families look alike.  So if that's the message we are trying to teach, then why does society hold on to insults like "bastard"?

I've become more aware of this slur ever since I started to hear other adoptees claim the world as their own.  It wasn't until then that I really started to think about how it applied to me and how before I could "take it back" and claim it as my own, I needed to understand what it meant and why I even had the right to claim it.  I started hearing it everywhere.  My family has used it.  My friends have used it.  Rudy even used it.  And it's on TV as one of the worst insults you can hurl at people.  It keeps cropping up.

I've always tried to be careful about what words I use.  Words can hurt.  And you never know who around you could be offended.  I have a cousin who was a bit behind in development when he was a baby.  He's fine now, all caught up, but there was a time when we weren't sure if was a bigger problem.  All of a sudden, "retard" and "retarded" as slurs started to jump out at me.  I started calling my friends on it and asked them not to use that language.  They didn’t get it (they were mostly boys).  I finally flipped out on them after one trying day and told them that my cousins could possibly be "retarded" and it was disrespectful to him, to my family, and therefore to me to make light of the challenges he might face.  They were surprised because they didn't think anyone around them had a connection.  Yet I did.  Rudy did.

I've started calling people out on the word "bastard".  When I hear that word used as a slur, I just say "ouch".  If it's someone that knows about my adoption connection, they immediately apologize because they, like me a year ago, don't understand what the word means and what it implies.  It's just something they picked up from society like "jerk" and "asshole".  If they don't know about my adoption connection, I simply state that my parents were not married when I was born, so therefore I could be considered a bastard and that language is offensive to me.  I haven't run into anyone who hasn’t apologized yet.  I'm sure that day will come though because there are some nasty people out there.

My point is, words can hurt.  I'm not perfect.  I slip up from time to time.  I say things that come out wrong, I do and say things that hurt others, and it's not something that I'm proud of.  I'm working on it.  I consider myself in general to be a work in progress.  My progress today is to educate that words matter.  So think twice please before you use the B word.  You never know who's standing behind you...

Oh and...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!!!

Wishes Checklist

Here are a bunch of things that I wish for.  In no particular order.  And it's just a partial list.  But it's still a list