What Am I Supposed To Call You?

A Rose By Any Other Name...

Interesting discussion last week regarding names and what to call first parents when in reunion.  It's actually something I've had discussions about before, but I've never posted about it.  It's one of those things that is different for each reunion and subsequent relationship.  Just because something works for me and my first family doesn't mean that it's going to work for all adoptees and their first families.  It's still a good topic though.

I call my first parents by their first names.  I have a few reasons for this.  For starters, this is how I grew up.  I never knew my first father's name, but I did know my first mother's.  I think that it re-enforced that she wasn't my "mother" because my adoptive parents would rather I call her by her first name (which was odd because all the other adults in my life were Mr. or Mrs. Or Miss except her because we didn't know her last name) than for me to call her my "birthmother", which contains the word "mother".  Also, even if we did know her last name, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss are all signs of respect.  There wasn't a whole lot of respect for her at times in our home.

When I got in touch with my first mother, I wasn't sure how to handle the situation.  In my first letter, I addressed it to her using her first name.  I didn't know anything about her, so I figured I'd try to be respectful.  Using Mrs. [insert last name here] seemed too formal and I wasn't sure if she was still married.  She wrote back and signed using her first name.  So that's how I addressed her.  She called my first father by his first name so I got used to thinking of him in that way.

When I got in touch with my first father, he seemed pretty comfortable with me calling him by his first name.  We were strangers.  I wasn't going to call him "Dad" because I didn't know him.  I would have been the first to say "I have a dad already thank you!"  Then I started to get to know him.  And we started to build a father-daughter relationship.  If he asked me to call him "Dad" tomorrow, while it might feel a bit uncomfortable at first, I would.  Now I'd be the first to say "I have two dads, so deal with it."  It's taken me a long time to get to say that.  And no, the two will never be equal, never be the same.

With one, I share a family history with.  With the other, I share a biological connection.  I love both of them.  I talk to both of them.  I ask them both for advice.  I am both of their daughters.  I don't have a problem with having two dads.  I don't have a problem acknowledging that.  I don't have a problem talking about it.  It's just a bit uncomfortable at times because not everyone has caught up with the times.

I don't call my first parents by their names to make them uncomfortable.  I call them by their first names because I believe if I didn't they would be uncomfortable.  I can only imagine if I called my first mother "Mom" or any other form of the word.  She's not my mother according to her.  So I could see a freak out.  I think that my first father would eventually get comfortable with the idea, but it might be hard for him.  After all, he doesn't want anyone to know I'm his daughter.  So while I haven't asked about the whole name thing, I've asked questions along that train of thought and been slapped down every time.  As much as he cares about me, I think it would make things harder for him to balance how I honestly feel about him with the fact that he is living with this huge secret at home.  I don't want to stress him out.  I don't want to make things harder.  Things will change eventually.

I don't see a huge problem with the whole "Mom" and "Dad" thing.  My father calls my mother's parents "Mom" and "Dad".  My mother calls my father's parents "Mom" and "Dad" (or she did while my grandfather was alive).  So if they can have two sets of parents in their lives (through marriage) then I don't see how I can't.  I don't see why it needs to be a big deal.  Sometimes I think that the whole adoption thing just needs to be simplified.  Use the KISS method - keep it simple stupid!  Until then, I'll be calling them by their first names and wishing things were different.