How comfortable are you with talking about your reunion and or adoption with other people. If you’re uncomfortable explain why?
For me, it really depends on the situation. It’s an issue for me when to talk about reunion and adoption with other people because it’s hard to know how they are going to react. I don’t usually talk about it with my family, either family really, because it’s not always something I want to deal with.
I don’t usually talk about my adoption with my first father. It’s something that we avoid, though every once and a while it comes up. I think he feels guilty about it, and I know he’s in a hard place. He feels badly that I’ve gotten the short end of the stick lately, and he knows that I have a lot of other things going on in my life right now. When we talk about things, we see things very differently, and that’s tough to deal with too. He has a hard time understanding that I don’t blame him or my first mother for putting me up for adoption. Was it the best choice for me? I don’t think there’s a right answer to that. I don’t have a better life, just a different one now. I get angry with the situation, and my first mother’s refusal to speak to me. It’s hard for me to talk about with him, because I don’t want him in the middle. We can’t go back and change things, and it’s next to impossible for us to move forward while I am still a secret. So it puts us at an impasse, something that I am willing to deal with now if we avoid the subject.
I don’t tend to talk about my adoption or reunion with my adoptive family either. No matter how hard I try not to think this way, I tend to think that talking about it could hurt an adoptive family member. They simply don’t get it because they don’t know what it’s like for me. They do their best, don’t get me wrong and I love them for trying, but all and all they will never understand where I’m coming from. They don’t realize that they will always form a club that I will never belong too. I won’t ever share their DNA even through there are plenty of days where I wish badly that I did. Especially with everything that’s going on with my adoptive mother these days, it’s just easier not to deal with it. Everything is about not stressing her out, and I know that talking about my reunion stresses her out. She’s very angry at times at my first mother because she knows how hurt I was by NeverTooLate's rejection of me. She doesn’t want to see me hurt. At the same time, I think there’s a part of her who doesn’t want to see me happy either, because when SinginInTheRain makes me happy, it’s an unintentional slap in the face to her. So I am caught between a rock and a hard place with my adoptive family. It’s just easier not to speak of it.
I do talk about my reunion and adoption with certain people in my life. I talk about it with my boyfriend, who is amazing about listening to me go on and on at times. I have a few really great friends who put up with me. They have been great support and I think that their eyes have been opened a bit after talking to me about my issues. I tend to keep my private life private in certain situations and I don’t feel the need to shout it out from the rooftops, but there are people in my life who I do feel comfortable sharing with. If I’m uncomfortable, it’s probably because I don’t trust people easily and I know that people can hurt me with information about my adoption. I tell the wrong people, and they can tell others, and then I can get hurt. It happened before where a “friend” told my adoptive cousin who I wasn’t ready to talk to yet and I had to “out” myself to my adoptive family (including my sister) before I was ready. My sister is still not speaking to me months later.
I also talk about adoption on the online community. At times it does feel like I’m hiding behind a computer screen, but in a way it’s the only way I feel 100% comfortable with all the details. It’s very easy for me to answer questions from strangers, and it always has been. Up until last year, I would talk about adoption with anyone that asked, and I’d never edit myself. My views have changed a lot recently and I have a lot more personal stories that I don’t think I’d share.
So this was a pretty long winded answer to something that could be summed up very easily as: depends on the situation. I don’t talk about it with my family because it’s too painful for all involved and my friends know the real story while strangers get an edited version (unless I consider you an online friend).
From my side of things I really understand what your saying here. I really only feel 100% comfortable when it comes to online. I tend to hide my feelings and don't feel really comfortable talking to too many people because it's just a very touchy subject. There are times where I want to be brunt and mean especially when one minute my Dad says he wants to meet my daughter but the next can't remember her name.
ReplyDeleteJenn, as a Korean adoptee I've had a very difficult time with dealing with my adoption in the first place... I've also grown up in Sweden so you could say I stand out quite a bit in society.. Anyways, I've sort of almost assumed people that I later got to know would somehow know I was adopted. But I've recently discovered that people in Sweden don't do that automatically these days so it was a bit shocking too me when I told my classmates about my reunion and first trip to Korea. Suddenly I was the topic in class and my integrity and privacy somehow disappeared...
ReplyDeleteBut when I've also discovered that there are presumptions out there about reunited adoptees.. You are somehow expected to turn your back on everyting pre reunion, period. And also among other adoptees who don't seem to have the same values I'm not really understood either.
I have found that I seem to have a lot of thing in common with the values and ideas in the US (but far from all).
Why is it so that as an adoptee and especially reunited adoptee you're supposed to take a standpoint with your birthmum or your adoptive family? I don't understand...
Btw, I think you write about a lot of necessary things which may be more or less fundamental for adoptees. (At least some of them).
I wish I could speak openly with my APs about it, but they have both turned out to be rather fragile and jealous. My first family don't really want to talk about who I am to them at all, so we skirt around the issue unless there has been drinking involved. All very healthy, yes?
ReplyDeleteI can talk openly about it with my adoptee friends online and in person, and with a select few others. My husband is really a good listener. But generally it's not a safe topic.
Sucks, doesn't it? Makes me glad to have cyberfriends like you. ;-)
@birthmothertalks - I think that we are uncomfortable because the consequences are so huge. You say the wrong thing and the house of cards might come down. At least that's how I feel anyway. It must be frustrating to deal with your dad. It sounds like he's probably trying to deal with it, and deal with you and isn't sure what's the best way to do that. I applaud your efforts though! I love your blog and your comments here btw!
ReplyDelete@Elle - I HATE that we have to take a standpoint! Why can't it just be what it is rather than us having to always define things? What a great observation! I think you have a great perspective to share and I love your comments. You make me think :-)
@ms. marginalia - Sounds about as healthy as a corn dog, yet oh so familiar... I'm so glad I have my cyberfriends like you too. You guys make it all seem better because in this I'm not alone...