Spectrum

I tend to come in late to the party. I think this is because I often read blog postings on Google Reader and so I miss comments unless I have time to visit each individual blog and check out the comments. So if there are great comments on blogs, I tend to miss them unless I feel the need to comment on that particular post. I've been trying to catch up on some of the comments lately because I think some of the best stuff comes from the comments. I get the most insights reading what people have to post. I'll admit that I read some blogs simply for the comments.

Anyway, I was reading one batch of comments the other day and a point came up that really got me thinking. The comment was about the spectrum. There most certainly is a spectrum. Not every adoptee feels the same way about adoption. Put three random adoptees in a room and chances are they have three different opinions. I think part of the problem with adoption reform is that adoptees have a hard time agreeing on things and then we get upset because we each have our own truths and sometimes adoptees try to tell others that their truth isn't THE truth.

Confusing I know. I truly believe there is a spectrum. On one side, you have adoptees who are able to deal with the loss of adoption and it does not affect their lives. I think that adoption does involve loss for all adoptees, but some deal with it a lot better than others and it is extremely minimal in their lives. For these adoptees, that is their truth. Their truth means they are able to function in their lives without searching, without feeling pain from adoption, and without having to blog about it. They do exist and their feelings are real. And these are the adoptees that Adoptive Parents in the online world seem to hold up like trophies and say "See!? This is what my child is going to be like!" That's just one side of the spectrum. There's another side. The other side is the side that feels the crippling pain that can come from adoption and has trouble living their lives with that pain. Some of these adoptees are prime examples of the Primal Wound theory (which I have not read and thus add this disclaimer though I've heard it debated enough I get the gist of it). These adoptees I've found have a very strong voice online as they are trying to figure it out. Then you have those of us who fall in the middle. There is a huge range on this middle. And each adoptee is different.

I haven't been able to figure out what makes adoptees more inclined on one side or the other. I think some of it has to do with adoptive parents, but that's not the whole story. I had great adoptive parents, but I'm leaning more towards the painful side. I did search, and my adoptive parents supported those efforts. They weren't super involved, by my choice, but they did support me. So I can't say that's the sole trigger. In fact, I think because my adoptive parents are supportive, I've been able to explore my issues.

I've met people who are all over the spectrum. I've met people who are completely comfortable with their adoptions and don’t feel the loss of their first family. They don’t want to search, and I don't really think they are in denial. I also have met people who have searched and still feel a horrible pain they are not able to reconcile. They aren't imagining it either. I've also met people who are more in the middle. They know that there is pain from adoption, but they may not dedicate their lives to it. I don't think it's a one size fits all kind of thing. I think this is something that adoptees need to start to figure out. We need to acknowledge the spectrum. And we need to understand that it's not static. It changes over time. I used to be able to deal with the loss of adoption. Then I entered reunion and realized that I hadn't been dealing with it as well as I thought. I hope someday to get to a place where my pain and loss isn't always towards the front of my mind. Someday….