What Do I Call This Limbo?

Am I in a reunion?  Or is it a non-reunion?  Is it a relationship?  How do I define it?

How complicated things seem to have gotten.  I don't even know the status of my own "reunion" or what to call it.  Before, we were talking, texting, and emailing.  We may not have seen each other that much (three times in a year, which is alright considering we live an hour away from each other) but it was still something.

To me, there are people in your life you meet once, you maybe share a moment, and then that's it.  You may never see them again.  Sometimes you meet someone, get to know them, become friends, and for some reason they are no longer in your life after that period of time.  I have friends that I made in England that I never expect to see again.  We were temporary friends.  We knew it at the time.  I have other friends I didn't expect to be  temporary but it happens.  I've given up feeling guilty about that.

Then there are other people I have relationships with.  I have family members I make an effort to see.  This means stopping by after work, checking in, and making plans.  Other family members I make an effort to spend time with when they are in the area.  One aunt lives over an hour away so when she's in town I make an effort to spend time with her.  But I don't stress about it.  She's my aunt.  She's not going to disappear on me.  If I don't talk to her in a month, it's not really a big deal because at some point I will.  She cares about me, I care about her, because at the end of the day we're family.  Other family members and I don't have a meaningful relationship for whatever reason.  What's that they say about not being able to pick your family?

It was very hard for me to define my relationship with my first father.  Extremely hard.  Because he's not my father, not in the same way that the Grinch is.  No matter how frustrated I get with the Grinch, not matter how much we butt heads, he is and always will be my father.  He may not have always been around on a day to day basis when I was growing up, may not ask me how I'm doing, may not act like he cares at times, but deep down I know he loves me and wants me to do well.  And he's the one who worked overtime on the weekends so that I could play soccer, take piano lessons, and grow up in a nice town (though the status of my town is certainly debatable).  That's been pounded into my head from a young age.  He'll always be my dad.  He's the one I told my kindergarten teacher I wanted to marry someday.  And nothing will every change that.  So my first father and I could never fully have a father-daughter relationship because someone else in my life will always have that role.

I'm close with a few of my uncles, one in particular.  My parents were never into sports, but I was.  So I desperately wanted to learn about football, but the Grinch didn't know and didn't care to know.  My uncle stepped up to the plate and taught me everything I know.  I learned about my favorite sport from him, and we'd watch the games together.  Then one day we were hanging out at the beach.  My uncle asked my cousin if he wanted to play catch but my cousin wasn't interested.  I told my uncle that I would, but I didn't know how to throw a football.  My uncle was shocked because he knew how much I loved watching the games.  So he "fixed" that problem.  Rudy still can't get over that I throw a football better than he does.  So my uncle and I are close.  But I don't call him every week.  I don't text him all the time (though I will admit to saving his text messages because they make me laugh).  So my first father and I were closer than that.  In fact, my first father and I didn't have a relationship that was like any of the other relationships in my life.  Very hard to define and hard to figure out.

Now, I don't know what's going on.  I haven't heard back from him after sending my email.  I left things up to him, but I guess he's taking some time to think things over.  We all know what his response is going to be, but now I'm not talking to him.  Or texting.  Or making plans to meet up.  Before I'd ask him for advice.  I'd look forward to our phone conversations.  Now, the thought of dealing with him makes me start to freak out.  I don't want to see him.  I don't want to hear his voice.  I don't want to listen to his excuses.  Don't get me wrong, I'll always love him and my first mother.  They are my biological parents.  They'll always be family.  But I just because I love them doesn't mean that I have to like this situation or even them at this very moment.

I know that eventually my heart will heal.  And I'll move on.  And maybe then I'll want back what I had, even though that's not possible.  Things can never go back.  I trusted him and he destroyed that.  I'll always wonder if he's going to do it again.  That's twice now that he's effectively given me away and chosen a different path, one that doesn't include me.  So for now, I need to focus on healing.  I'm getting there.  Every day that passes, it gets easier.  I'm just being dragged back into this because I sent that email.  And I'm waiting on hearing back.  I think I made a mistake in telling him that I don't mind getting emails.  Because I should have just stopped everything.  It would have been easier.  But I was OK a few weeks ago.  So I'll get back to that point eventually.  Until then, I'll be here, healing.