I Love Technology

A Picture of my Stylus
Drawn with my Stylus!

I've been having some fun with technology lately.  Seriously.  I'm a technology girl and I always have been.  I used to think it was sort of weird because I had no clue where it came from, but now I know that it's a family trait.  I have some great products that I have fun playing with.  I recently got a stylus for my tablet.  I didn't have one before because I didn't think I needed one.  But I'm having a tough time with the on-screen keyboard because I'm a "touch typist" so I don't look down when I type, I just feel for the keys.  You can't do that on an on-screen keyboard so I'm having a rough time with it.  Because keyboards are so expensive, I figured that maybe it would be nice to get a stylus and write instead of typing.  It was worth a shot.

I found a stylus online for less than $10 with shipping and ordered it.  Writing is great, but I'm a perfectionist so it takes me longer to write than type on that keyboard because I'm always going back and rewriting so it will look neater.  Whoops!  It was worth a shot.  I did however realize that the stylus makes it a lot easier for me to draw on my tablet and phone.  Which is how I used to draw my pictures for the blog.  So in case you haven't noticed, I'm back to drawing the pictures on my blog and I've come up with some new art.  I'm always going to try new things for the illustrations.  That's just how I am.  But I'm pretty excited about having a new way of drawing.

I used to draw a lot.  I took art classes for a long time, even one in college.  It was a big hobby of mine.  At one point I thought about art school.  Then I gave up on that to pursue other things.  It happens.  I haven't had a pencil in my hand and a sketch book for a long time.  The stuff that I had been posting on here were drawn using my finger or the mouse.  Recently, I've had a stylus to help so it's a lot more like the drawing that I used to do.  It's going to take me a while to get used to the feel and the new pressure and such, but I'm having fun.

Technology is so cool like that.  There's always something new to explore or some new way to apply old tricks.  I never thought that I'd be illustrating blog posts on a tablet.  And I can't believe it didn't dawn on me earlier that it's a great way to express myself in a way that I feel more comfortable.  Go figure.

Another great thing about technology is that it's black and white.  A computer can do certain things, and it can't do other things.  You write a program and if it's written well, it works or it doesn't.  Any flaws come from the people who wrote it.  You punch into a calculator 2 + 2 and you'll always get 4.  If you get a different answer, go back and you'll find that you typed in the wrong thing, like maybe 2+1 to get a different answer.  It's the human that's flawed, not the calculator.  Computers are binary.  It's either true or false, 1 or 0.  There is no analog signal.  I tend to trust technology more than people.  Technology doesn't lie.  People do.

I'm going to have some fun drawing on my phone and tablet.  I'm having fun with the bright colors and the new graphics!

Email Sent...

This time I hit the right button

I did it.  I sent the email to my first mother.  I asked her to meet with me within the next year.  I put myself out there.  And you know what?  I feel good about it!  I realized (with the help of some amazing people) that it was something that I should do for myself.  So that I'll stop wondering if I didn't do everything I could.  I gave it one more go.  I gave it one last effort.  One final chance.  It was more about me than her.  I want to meet her.  And I will.  If I need to show up eventually, then I will.  I'm not saying that's going to happen tomorrow.  It may never happen.  But it's an option and I have it in my back pocket for when I'm ready.

My first parents have made it very clear to me that when it comes to our relationship(s), it's about them.  It's about their other daughters.  It's about their family unit.  I can have scraps when they are willing to give them to me.  I can hear stories about my sisters and my other relatives.  They'll answer the questions they feel like and ignore the other ones.  They'll email when they feel like it.  And they will do what they think is best for them.  I guess I can't really blame them.  They bought into the adoption myth that once they signed the paperwork I would go away forever, never to been seen or heard from again.  They bought into the myth that they would be able to move on with their lives as if I never happened, as if I don't exist.  But you see, that's the problem with the myth.  I was born.  I do exist.  And as a person, I'm not willing to lay down and play the good adoptee.  I have feelings and wants and needs as well, and as an adult, I have a say in how I conduct my life.  Which includes my biological family.  Not just my first parents, but the rest of them as well.

For a long time, I played their games.  I played by their rules.  I did what they expected of me.  I was the good adoptee.  I emailed when I should have.  I answered their questions about my life.  I let my first father get to know me as a daughter.  He's seen me.  He knows that I share similar quirks with my sisters.  He knows that I look like my first mother.  That we share mannerisms.  And he's even seen my hometown (if I could go back, I'd probably rethink that one).  I gave myself freely in this who experience because that's just the kind of person that I am.  I thought that eventually things would change.  Eventually things would turn around.  Eventually.  I'm tired of waiting for eventually.  So I'm going to push a little and see what happens.

If my first mother won't meet me, the world won't end.  I won't lose anything.  She doesn't email me anymore anyway.  She has almost no contact.  And my first father... well that relationship is reduced to a short email every other week.  When he feels like it.  That's it.  I used to love him.  He was a second dad to me.  He didn't raise me, but he was giving what felt like a great effort to get to know me.  I thought he cared about me.  Maybe he does.  He just cares about his life right now more.  So I have nothing to lose.  I'm moving on.  I'm healing.  And I'd rather get this over with.  So my email is sent.  Now I just have to wait and see what happens.

Ancestry.com Continues to Blow My Mind

My Family Tree!

I started a private family tree on Ancestry.com a while back.  My paternal grandfather was listed on a detailed public family tree.  Because he died a few years back, his information is available to anyone.  I was able to trace him back pretty far, but could not find anything on my grandmother because she's still living and never married my paternal grandfather.  My other grandparents are dead ends as well because they are too young to be listed on census data (so far) and I don't have a lot of information about them.

I could ask about them, but I'm not sure what sort of answers I'd get and if they'd be accurate or not.  In the past, I haven't been given the full story and my first parents have been a bit evasive.  They give me the general idea, but never the full story.  It could be because they don't know it, or maybe it's because they don't know that I want all the juicy details like names, but either way, I'm not willing to risk ticking them off by asking too many nit-picky questions right now.

A few weeks ago I started to seriously track down my paternal grandmother and kept hitting brick walls.  I had a last name in theory from my first mother but couldn't find anything.  I asked for help and a few people gave it an honest go but nobody was able to make any headway.  So I walked away for a bit.  After a friend mentioned the site last week, I logged back on for the heck of it the other day.  And I had a little green leaf on one of my sisters.  That shouldn't happen because my sister is still very much alive and under the age of 18 so not on many public documents.  Weird.  Because I'm me, I followed the leaf to another public profile.  It would seem that one of my aunts decided to make her profile public.  My sisters are private, but because I used their names in mine, it still matched to the tree.  Naturally, I'm not on it.  But guess who is?  They may all be marked as "Private" but it was pretty easy to figure out who my grandmother was (the only person connected to two men and having children with both of them).  I've done enough research to know that the tree matched up perfectly with my own.  I even found a few photos!

For the first time, I have information on my paternal grandmother.  She's always been the biggest mystery.  My other grandparents are all Portuguese (in theory).  However, I was told my maternal grandmother was Portuguese, French, and English.  I thought, cool.  Growing up in an Irish family, it was sort of cool to hear that I was "English".  I quote that because if I'm English, it's not really though her.  My maternal grandmother was French, but by way of Canada.  I've traced my linage back to France.  Did I mention the year was 1469?  I haven't found the English line yet, but there's a lot of people to go through and I do have one other great-grandmother that's "Portuguese" I suspect may be English on my maternal side.  Oh, and did I mention that some my ancestors were in Massachusetts pre-Revolutionary War?  And then they moved to Canada.  And somehow I ended up in Massachusetts.  This is mind blowing for the girl who used to listen to classmates tell stories about how their ancestors were on the Mayflower.  While this isn't quite the same thing, I remember thinking "How cool would it be to trace my ancestors back that far?  Oh well, I guess it's just not meant to be..."  I now know further back in my first family tree than my adoptive parents know of their trees.  Wow.  For once I have more information that they do... Who would have thunk it?

You'd think I'd feel connected to these people, but I don't.  Not yet anyway.  It's so new to me, that I'm connected to these people with names and in some cases, faces.  They were here.  They lived.  They survived.  And I come from them.  And what's interesting to me is that they were dead before I came along.  They never would have known about me anyway even if I hadn't been adopted.  I'm working on feeling connected to them.  It's going to take me a while.  I need to let it all sink in.  I'm just glad that I'm learning more and more about my truth and my history every day, with or without my first father's help.  I'm so excited that if I have children, they'll have this information too.  And honestly?  If I had grown up with my first parents, I probably wouldn't have known this either.  Because I doubt my first father knows his family history the way that I do now.  I doubt he's traced it back to France or Pre-US Massachusetts.  Another reason why I love technology...

My mind = blown.  Thanks Ancestry.com!

Patience

I just need to hit Send

I'm not the world's most patient person.  It's something that I have to work on in myself.  When I set a goal, I want to complete it yesterday.  I love the thrill of tackling something and getting it done.  But I can be a little bit lazy and not want to put in the work, or the time.  I like it when people get right back to me.  That's probably why I have a hard time waiting around for responses from people.  Like I said, I need to work on that.

I've been pretty proud of myself.  I set a goal to run a 5K in the spring.  Now, I still have a long way to go.  I started a 10 week training program which is going to take me longer than ten weeks.  However, I'm now done with Week 3 and I'm doing pretty well with the whole thing.  I'll admit to feeling like I was never going to make it this far.  I'm determined to finish this program out, even if it's a week longer right now because I couldn't handle the jump this week.  But I just need to keep reminding myself that this is about me and nobody else.  If I need to slow it down a bit, it's only going to affect me.  Running nearly a mile (not counting walking breaks) is pretty amazing.  I'll get there eventually.  And I'm sticking with it.  I'm learning to be patient.  You see, I want to run a 5K tomorrow.  I want to be in shape, yesterday.  I want to be able to throw on a pair of running shoes and get out there on the road and not feel like my lungs are going to burst.  Because I'm pretty sure that's what it would feel like if I did that today.  So I have to keep reminding myself that I need to get my lungs into shape and pump up my legs a bit before I can just go for a run without so much structure.  I'll get there.  I'm making huge strides.  My dance teacher noticed this week and commented about how I was a lot stronger than even last week.  I have more energy and I overall feel better.  I feel so much better on days when I run.  But I tend to forget that at times because it doesn't always feel like I'm progressing when I struggle to run for more than two minutes at a time.

I'm similarly impatient with myself lately.  I wrote that email to my first mother.  And then I hit "Save" rather than "Send".  It's been sitting in my draft folder for a while now.  I've even gone back to rewrite a few bits and pieces of it.  I want to have the courage to send it now and get it over with.  I'm not an indecisive person.  However, with this, I just can't seem to hit the send button and it has be wondering.  Maybe it's that I know I'll be waiting around to hear from her.  I know that it's silly, but sometimes I have to wait a week and other times a month before she gets back to me.  And that really can test my patience.  I also don't know how the whole thing is going to work with my first father.  He's been a bit MIA lately, but I don't know if he'll be even more MIA if I upset my first mother, which this email has the potential to do.  He's made it very clear to me that when it comes down to picking sides, he'll pick her's every time.  That's hard to hear, but completely true and understandable.  I haven't asked him to pick sides yet.  I've pushed at times for sure, but I've always backed down.  I don't think there's ever been a real situation where he's had to figure out how to deal with my first mother and I on a serious level, like me asking her to meet would do.  I don't want him involved at all, but I know that he's going to be.

I need to figure out if I want to send that email.  I can't have it chilling in my drafts folder, glaring at me every time I check my email.  I need to work on my patience, but I don't want to push it too much.  OK, I'm going to stop rambling right now and go stretch out for a bit.  If I can't make progress on one part of my life, at least I have other goals and things to work towards!

Emails Come and Go

I've started to notice a pattern in my "weekly" emails.  Sometimes they come, and sometimes they don't.  I'm sort of over it at this point.  I mean, I can send mine, but I can't make him write back.  And I have to keep reminding myself that it's not me.  I forget sometimes that I'm used to sending emails.  I type faster than I hand write things out.  It's what I do all day long.  The faster I can type, the faster I can get my work done and get home.  So for me, typing quickly is second nature.  My first father writes his emails to me on his cell phone most of the time.  That's even harder to type on.  And he's not the same as me, growing up typing school reports and playing computer games.

I guess I just thought that after we stopped our weekly phone calls that we'd at least keep up with the weekly emails.  So it's hard when the week comes and goes and I don't get my email.  And I wonder if I should send my weekly email.  I'm starting to think that I'm going to stop emailing without fail each week.  It hasn't mattered in the past if he's responded, but maybe now I need to.  I'll admit that there's a part of me that wants him to see how it feels to not here from me for over a week and to wonder what's going on.  And I'm trying so hard not to let it get to me.

It may not seem like it, but I am making progress.  For starters, I used to obsess over the email thing all week.  I'd think about it every day and wonder.  Now, I only wonder the day that I normally get my email and the day I normally send him a response.  And I don't expect it other days either.  I can usually put it out of my head.  It's such a weird situation.

I want to be able to move on from this.  I'm doing a lot better than I used to.  And I really do feel like I'm healing.  I just wish I was completely healed at this point.  In my head I know that's not something that's going to happen overnight.  I need to give myself more time.  This is a person that I had close contact with for over a year.  It's the first biological family member I've ever met and who ever acted like they actually cared.  For all I know, him signing his name with "Love" might be the only thing that I ever really get from any of my biological family members.

Deep breath.  Positive thinking.  I'm not a fan of going through this every week.  I don't like feeling like I'm not good enough to email back once a week.  It's not a matter of him not knowing what to say.  I ask questions every week and give him something to write about.  And he does have a whole week to figure it out.

It's this time of year.  I contacted my first mother February 1st two years ago.  And I met my first father in the beginning of March last year.  I guess I've just been thinking about that a lot lately.  I should be getting an email today.  I didn't get one last week.  I didn't send my normal email this week.  I am proud of myself in some small way for not sending my email.  I was really tempted but I didn't.  We'll see what happens.

How Blogging Fits Into My Life

Blogging isn't something for the weak of heart.  I'm not talking about people who blog privately for their family and friends.  It's a fantastic way to keep people updated, but it's not quite the same thing as blogging publicly when your readers probably don't know you in real life.  It's not something that you can take on without being willing to put yourself out there.  I have strangers reading about some of the most personal things about me.  And they have the all powerful choice of commenting.  And they can say whatever they want about my very personal thoughts.  I've been very lucky that my readers have been kind to me in the comments thus far.  But that doesn't mean it will always be that way...

I've had a few discussions lately about blogging and how it fits into my life.  For me, this is a blog about my life as an adopted person.  The adopted part is what I write about most frequently, but that doesn't mean that I never blog about other things in my life.  Or the people in it.  That being said, I do my best to keep things private as much as I can. I'm somewhat anonymous here and I don't use real names.  Yes, I use nicknames but unless you know me in real life, you'd have no way of knowing who those people are.  It's just a lot easier to write "Rudy" than "my boyfriend" (and so on and so forth).

As in any adoption blog, I'm going to blog about my family.  My adoption is surrounded by family.  One family gave me away and another family took me in (in one manner of speaking).  So that means that my first parents are going to be a frequent topic, you know, because they are the ones who put me up for adoption.  Just like my adoptive parents are going to be frequent topics of discussion, you know, being the ones who took me in and all.  As for the rest of my family, yes, they are going to come up.  They play a part in my adoption story.  My sister is the one who gave me the information I needed to complete my search.  My aunts have been super supportive when I've needed to talk about my adoption issues.  My first uncle and I share a profession (how random is that?), which is probably going to come up.  Otherwise, what would I write about?

I'm not just about adoption.  I have other things going on with my life.  I have a boyfriend.  I have friends.  I have a job.  All of these things may or may not come up in my blog.  I'm human.  I'm a person.  I have a life.  That's the thing about adoption.  It's always there.  It's always present.  And adoptees have to live with that each and every single day.

Rudy knows that I blog here.  He picked his own nickname.  He sometimes reads here.  I have two friends that I gave this blog address too.  One from my hometown (the only one from my hometown with the URL other than me) and one from college.  That's it.  Three people from my "real" life.  I haven't passed out the URL because I don't like the idea of writing thinking that my entire family is reading over my shoulder.  I don't think I could be as personal.  It's too intense for me to think about that.  And honestly?  I don't think I could handle having such intense conversations about adoption with my adoptive family (or my first family for that matter).  They don't know how painful my adoption has been for me, and it would hurt them to find out.  So I keep my happy adoptee face on when I'm around them, and write about my pain here.

I've been debating going private lately.  I'm still debating, but I'm airing on the side of keeping this public after I read something on Facebook last week about not letting one person ruin your day if there are almost 7 billion other people out there.  I just don't want to deal with drama.  I'll probably keep it public.  We'll see.

Thanks for reading,

Oh Social Technology

I have a twitter.  If you didn't know that, you can follow me @IBMTitleHere.  Shameless plug I know...  Anyway, I also have a personal twitter.  So I have two twitter accounts and I tweet different things from each one.  I'll admit that I'm awful at tweeting.  Horrible.  But I give it a try.  And sometimes other people post some amazing stuff on Twitter and I read articles and stories that I never would have found otherwise.

Facebook on the other hand... Before I just had my one and only Facebook account.  So you guessed it.  My name is on there, plus lots of personal information.  I have my visibility limited, but there's enough on there that I'm not anonymous.  I blog anonymously.  I use my first name, but I don't use my last name on here.  In theory you should not be able to figure out who I am.  My reason for this?  I talk about other people on this blog.  I talk about my first family, and I talk about my adoptive family.  So for their privacy, I'm not public about this blog.  But lots of sites now need you to log in via Facebook and I wasn't able to participate in that before.  So I finally created a new Facebook account.

I'm jumping into the whole social media thing the way I didn't before.  It should be interesting.  It's a lot of work.  I have to migrate what I did have about adoption (and heavily protected) over to my new adoption Facebook page.  And if I like up here, I still have to be careful about what I post there so that I don't accidentally out anyone.  So much stress.  But all worth it to be able to log in to these websites and comment and all that fun stuff without giving away my name.

Also, I really need to get that adoption stuff off my personal Facebook account.  I've had a few comments made in passing, and honestly?  I just don't want to deal with it.  It's not worth it.  Besides, I've been dealing with dual personalities and dual identities since I was a baby.  I'm a pro at this!  Hehe!

Response to Comments From Found

Last Sunday I posted about Found by Jennifer Lauck.  Amazing book!  Recommend it to everyone!  I really enjoyed the book tour (my first one) and I learned a lot reading all the posts and comments.  I've been avoiding a lot of adoption stuff this week but I'm starting to feel better about things after getting my email so I'm trying to go back through all the blogs on the tour (there were thirty) and comments (I missed a bunch the first time around).

It took me three browsers (thanks Mozilla for finally working!) before I could respond to each comment (thanks Blogger for making that change) but there were a few comments that I thought deserved their own blog post.

For starters, Melynda from Letters to Ms Feverfew (awesome first mom!) sent this over:

"Just making the rounds to all of the participants in the book tour so please forgive the copy and paste job. :)
As I have read every single book tour participant's blog posts (haven't commented on all of them, but I have read them all!), I have been longing for a way that we could standardize our impressions, etc. Would you be willing to rate this book on a scale from one to five, one being the lowest and five being the highest. Also, would you recommend this book to others? Who? Can you sum up your feelings about the book in two or three sentences?
I can't help myself...I'm a mixed methods researchers and love to have numbers to go along with people's experiences!
Thanks so much for humoring me on this one.

Melynda"

 You're always forgiven Melynda!  If I had to rate this book, I'd give it a five.  My reasoning is this: it's not supposed to make you feel comfortable with adoption.  It's supposed to challenge the idea that adoption is always a wonderful thing.  It's the story of Jennifer's life.  You can't rewrite history.  It happened.  This book is Jennifer's truth.  So even though it might make some feel uncomfortable or make them question their views, it's Jennifer's truth and thus should be read as such.  How can you not read a book about someone's truth?  Highest recommendation from me to everyone (as I mentioned in my post).

Finally, I got this comment from Esperanza, and I really wanted to give it a good answer because it's such a good comment.

"Dear Jenn,
Thank you so much for your thoughts and experiences on this. I found them incredibly insightful and well spoken. It is so important for everyone who is touched by adoption (which is everyone really, as we all know someone who has been adopted) to hear the words of adult (and child) adoptees. Thank you for your brave words.
I must admit, I found this section to be very thought provoking and I've been thinking about it a lot since I read it:
'My mother could have kept me. It would have been hard. It would have been challenging. But she could have made it work. She chose not to. It was about her. Just like my adoptive parents adopted me for them. It wasn’t about giving a baby a home; it was about finding a baby for their home. My adoption wasn’t about me. It was about everyone else.'
Ever since I read this part my head has been full of questions: Are there any situations in which an adoption is about the adoptee or is it inherently about all the other people involved? How is having a biological child about the child and not about having a child for a couple's home? Can a birth mother really never give up her child as an act of love or is it always selfish? I'm not trying to challenge your feelings on this I'm just curious what someone who has personal experience with the situation thinks about all of this. I have so many questions.
Thank you again for your brave words. They have touched me in ways I can't articulate."

OK, so lots to think about here, and I'm going to do my best to answer thoughtfully.  I do think that there are situations where adoption can be about the adoptee.  It happens.  I think it happens a lot in family adoptions.  Say I have kids.  And then the father and I tragically die.  And my sister adopts my kids so that they can stay in our family and not go to the foster system.  That's one example of when adoption is about the kids.  Unless my sister is the one who killed me so that she could adopt them.  I don't think she'd do that... Hehe!  Lots of examples here, but that's just one of them.  I just think that the majority of adoptions today are not about the adoptee.

Fantastic point about having a biological child!  You're 100% right that having a biological child isn't about the child, it's about the parents wanting a child, which is very similar to adoptive parents wanting a child and adopting for them rather than the child.  Great question to think about.  I offer this though... Have you ever heard a parent raising their biological child state that they had the child for that child's benefit?  I haven't.  It sounds very odd to me and ridiculous.  I have however heard adoptive parents say that they adopted to "save" the adoptee and that they sacrificed a lot for the adoptee.  I've also heard adoptive parents raise themselves up akin to sainthood for adopting.  Not all adoptive parents are like this (THANK GOODNESS!) and I have to say that I've met some amazing adoptive parents who aren't like this and I love them so much for it.  But there's a special bunch out there (who I highly doubt are reading this).  So I think that's the major difference to me.  As an adoptee, I'm supposed to be grateful for things that other people aren't.  I'm supposed to be grateful for having good parents.  I've never heard that statement made to someone who wasn't adopted.

I do think there are first mothers out there who give up their child and it comes from a loving place.  Or that at least they think it's coming from a loving place at the time.  I've heard stories of mothers who had health reasons and felt they couldn't give their child a mother for a long time.  It happens.  That's just one example.  I do however think that a lot of mothers assume that their children are better off without them.  I think this is a bad assumption.  And on the other hand, there are plenty of mother's out there who are selfish.

My mother didn't give me away as an act of love.  She didn't want to parent me.  She never seriously considered parenting me.  I don't assume this.  She told me.  I have proof (just not going to post her words here because I don't want to invade her privacy).  She told me that she didn't want to hold me even though the nurses encouraged her to.  She told me that she never saw me because she didn't want to.  She told me that she wasn't my mother.  She gave birth to me, yes, but no, she wasn't my "mother".  In the two years I've "known" her, she has never once said that she loves me.  The closest she ever got was telling me that she hopes all my dreams come true.  And that she prays for me.  She refused to talk to me on the phone.  She won't meet me.  Having me was the biggest mistake of her life, and giving me away was the best thing she could have done for both her and me.  Yes, she said all of this more than once.  Yes, my first father confirmed later that that's how she really feels, she wasn't just saying those things.  We don't want to think about "those" mothers, but they are out there.  Mine's one of them.  Does that make her a bad person?  Not at all.  In fact, I think she's a fantastic person when it comes to anything other than me.  Add me to the mix, and she turns into someone else.  C'est la vie.

So those are my thoughts in an extremely long blog post.  But I felt like an amazing comment deserved at least a full answer because those questions really got me thinking and I wanted to respond.  Thank you for your thoughts and for asking questions!  I appreciate it so much that you took the time to ask.  Not everyone would have.

Writing an Email

I'm working on an email to my first father.  Boy, this isn't easy.  The way they stand right now is that we're emailing until this month when I'll let him know if things can go back to the way they were before.  Which is what he wants.  I know this because he told me so.

I've been doing a lot of thinking.  And it's so hard.  Because I miss him.  Even though I know I deserve better.  Even though I know having a secret relationship is hard.  Even though I know it's hurting me in the long run and that it makes me unhappy.  Even though things went south to the point I know I'll never be able to fully trust him again, not after him throwing me under the bus with such easy last month.  Even after all that, I miss him.  I miss talking to him.  I miss laughing with him.  I miss the funny text messages.  I miss having him in my corner.  I miss the support.  I even miss hearing about my first mother from him.  It's strange.  She wasn't always so nice to me, but he loves her.  She's his best friend.  And I love hearing about her through that lens.  He describes her so differently and it makes me see her in a different light.  It makes me see her as a good and kind person.  I like seeing my mother that way.  I've always loved her, and it was so hard to justify that after the way she treated me.  I liked hearing about her from him because it made things easier.  And I miss hearing about my sisters.  I've always been torn about that, but I do miss it.  But mostly I miss hearing from my biological father, the person who I'm so alike.  It's hard.

But I can't abide by his rules.  I can't only text him before noon.  And only on days when he texts me first because his schedule keeps changing and I never know when he's working anymore.  And I won't participate in a huge lie like this.  It was different before.  I wish I could put my finger on it and describe the difference but I can't.  Maybe now because it's gone from a lie of omission to a real, honest-to-goodness lie.  I don't really know.

In my heart of hearts, I know this is for the best for now.  I know that asking for either all or nothing is a better solution to me.  I'm an all or nothing sort of girl.  I don't do things halfway.  I either want everything or nothing in all aspects of my life.  I may hem and haw for a while at first, but in the end once I make up my mind I go for it, whatever it's going to be.  That's just who I am.  My first father once described me as determined.  When I want something, I don't stop until I have it.  Only he said it in a more flattering way.  He hit the nail on the head with one of my biggest flaws.  I don't know when to stop sometimes.  I think that this is my way of realizing that right now, I may need to stop.  I can't make him tell people about me.  I can't make him change.  I can't change the situation without hurting a lot of people.  And there isn't a clear answer here.

So I'm going to tell him that we can text and talk, but that I won't do it on a set schedule.  I won't agree to only text on his days at work and while he's at work.  I won't be a slave to the clock.  It's not fair to me.  So it's going to be up to him.  And I already know what he's going to say.  He won't be able to text me or talk to me if that's the case.

It's such a hard email to write.  I want to make sure I'm clear and that I pick the right words.  I don't want to come off like an angry crazy adoptee who's withdrawing.  But I also don't want him to think that it's OK for him to make up rules that aren't fair to me.  So we'll see how this all goes.  Wish me luck!

Trying to Figure Out What Next

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my current situation.  As a summary, my first father and I went from emailing/texting/talking/meeting up once in a while to emailing.  And by emailing I mean he emails me once a week from his cell phone if I'm lucky.  So it's a short email, but he does his best.  Over vacation he emailed me two lines on Christmas and a few more on New Years.  But other than that, things aren't what they used to be.

He ended our reunion except for occasional emails.  I have that with my first mother.  It's not going so hot with her right now.  I don't know what happened but all the progress I thought we'd made ended at the end of September.  So I don't have a lot of hope for an occasional email relationship.  And then a week later, he changed his mind and said we could go back to the way things were, just with some new rules, like I could only text him when he's at work.  I responded back that I needed some time to think things over and wanted to stick with just emails.  I told him I'd get back to him in January.  It's now a week into January and I know he thinks I have an answer for him.  I think I have another few weeks to make up my mind.

In his email this week, he said that he's glad I'm happy (my emails to him are upbeat while I try to figure things out) and that he's sorry again for what happened "before".  And that he hopes things can get back to the way they were.

And that's the thing.  I don't want them back the way they were before.  I'm tired of being a secret.  I don't want to have a relationship with a parent that's defined by rules.  I don't want to have to check the clock to see if it's appropriate to text him (because I couldn't text him after noon).  I don't think I could handle it again if he tried to put the blame on me if something went wrong.  My aunt's favorite saying is true: If something feels wrong, it probably is.  I deserve better than to be someone's secret shame.  I have nothing to be ashamed of. And he made it very clear where I stand in everything.  I don't want to risk getting hurt like that again.

This has been coming for a long time.  I was going to wait until the end of the month, but I don't think I will now that he's brought it up.  So I'm starting to work on an email to him this week.  I'm going to let him know that I want to have a relationship with him as he is my biological father, but I'm not willing to have a relationship with someone who isn't willing to be honest about who I am.  So when he's ready to not hide me anymore, I'm willing to work through things.  But until then, I'd prefer to focus on my life with people who aren't ashamed of me and what I represent.

Nobody else is going to stand up for me.  I'm the only one who can.  And honestly, after the first few weeks (which were really hard), it's gotten easier and easier not to check for messages.  And I've been thinking about it less.  I've had more time to concentrate on other things.  And I've had more time to focus on being happy.  So while this is going to be hard, I know that I'm going to survive it.  And I know that it isn't forever.  Eventually he'll tell my sisters about me.  I doubt I'll have a relationship with them, but it will at least make it so that I don't need to be hidden away anymore.  And then the option is there.  We'll see.

Today's the day my parents brought me home.  It's the day "we became a family".  In my house, it's just my "special day".  I don't see it as the day I was separated from my first parents.  That day was my birthday.  My first parents signed their rights away on New Years Eve of 1987.  What a great way to start over.  Lovely.  Instead, I really do see it as a day I gained a family to replace the one I had already lost.  I'm spending today with my family.  The ones who love me, care about me, and aren't ashamed of me.  I deserve at least that.

Vacation Recap

I need a vacation from my vacation!  I got a lot accomplished, but not nearly enough.  I did however watch lots of TV.  While a part of me thinks "What a waste of a week" another part of me is happy I got to relax.  I saw lots of friends, loads of family, and had a great time overall.  I even took a trip to Connecticut to see Rudy which is a coin toss.  This time it was a fantastic visit, even though the air mattress I was sleeping on got a hole in it so I woke up in the middle of my last night on the floor.  Oh well!

Rudy and I made a game time decision and decided not to go to Times Square.  Instead, we sat around watching TV and movies all day in our PJs.  I can now say I've seen three of the four Die Hard movies (Live Free or Die Hard is still on my list).  Thanks to a new Netflix account I now have a way of slowly getting through my list of movies.  We also discovered Storage Wars.  It's pretty epic.  Though I do think it would be weird to go through someone else's stuff like that after buying a storage locker.  I can't get over it.  If you have something of major value in your storage locker and you were falling behind in your payments, why wouldn't you sell something to come up with the money to pay for it?  I've only seen a few episodes but one locker contained items estimated at $90,000.  That's a lot of money!

My friends and I had some great times too.  We went out a few times and hung out like we used to before we all had jobs.  What a nice life we all had back then!  One of my friends got great news this break too.  She not only got the job she applied for (how exciting!) but her boyfriend passed a major test and is able to move forward with his career.  So it was a good vacation for her.  My other friend started a new job after two years of searching.  While it's hard to be the new girl, she's adjusting well and finally doing what she went to school for.  So it was fantastic to see her and hear all about it.

We had a bunch of family parties this break too.  I saw the majority of my cousins (which is no small task as I have 27 of them...), aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  Next weekend I have another family party as three of my cousins will be playing in the same high school hockey game (on different teams no less!).  So there's been loads of extended family time.  Which is fun.  I'm sure after next weekend though I'll need a break!

Back to work and back to normal life I guess.  Did everyone have a great holiday season?

2011: A Year In Review

Looking back on the year 2011, it was a big year.  It was filled with hidden joys, big challenges, and several life changing events.

In the month of January, I started blogging.  It was something that I wanted to try for a long time but it wasn't until January that I took that plunge.  This was also the month when I reached out to my first mother to try to start over, and was then ignored.  And I started my last semester of college.  We can't forget that one!

In February, I planned my first face to face.  I put together a book with all my emails and everything I knew about my first parents.

March was a fun month and a life changing one.  At the beginning of the month, I met my first father for the first time.  It was the first time I've met someone I'm biologically related to.  It was the first time I saw myself reflected in someone else.  Talk about unsettling!  As if that wasn't enough, my mom and I went on vacation together to Punta Cana.  We had the best time and I know it's something that I'm always going to look back on and smile.  What a busy month!

April was hard.  For starters, my sister and I got into a huge fight.  She wasn't supportive of me meeting my first father and was hurt that I hadn't told her sooner.  Then life changed completely when we learned that my mother had another brain tumor, only this time looked different from her last time.  I moved home the last week of the month.

May got harder.  My mother had four brain surgeries in three weeks.  She was diagnosed with brain cancer and her tumor was deemed inoperable.  I met my first father again, and this time went a little better.  We actually relaxed and had fun hanging out.  And then I graduated college with my bachelor and masters degrees, an event that my parents watched on a laptop in the ICU back in Boston.

June rolled around and my mom started her chemotherapy and radiation.  My life became all about my mother as I tried to adjust to living at home.  Lost Daughters started.  I saw Taylor Swift with my cousin, a girl who is like a sister to me.

July saw the end of radiation for my mom and a break in chemotherapy.  I got a job offer which I accepted and my mom and I went on vacation for a week on Cape Cod.  It was my last month of freedom before starting my job.  My first father started texting me, something that we hadn't really done before.

August started with my job.  Literally, my first day was August 1st.  It was a huge adjustment for me.  My first father started a short trend of sending me videos from his new phone.  Various summer fun was had by me and my boyfriend on the weekends.  August was anything but a lazy summer.

September rolled around and I got a new computer and a new phone in the same week.  I settled into work and my boyfriend started his job (so started spending less time with me).  I jumped on Twitter and tried to improve my blog.  I decided to be more open in my life about my reunion and stop treating it like a huge secret.

October brought more changes.  I started my Picture Sunday postings.  My attempt to be more open blew up in my face.  Steve Jobs died, and the Internet blew up with adoption stories.  My mother spent another week in the hospital.  My first father came up to visit me on my birthday and told me that he was thinking about telling my first sisters about me.

November was hard.  My first father told me he wasn't ready to tell my first sisters, which I was OK with because of the other insanity going on in my life.  I bought a new camera.  My cousin got married and my entire adoptive family got together to celebrate.  I had my high school reunion.  I nearly moved out of my house.  I sent my first father a text message that was spotted by my older kept sister.

December brought more changes.  My first father ended our reunion, except for an occasional email.  He changed his mind a week later after talking to my first mother who stood up for me.  I opted not to continue with reunion under his new rules, but to get back in touch in the new year.  I prepared for Christmas by myself.  The year came to a close.

What a year...  It feels like January was a lifetime ago!

I Love The Internet

The Internet lets me share things
like this

What would be do with the Internet?  Seriously!  A random statement, I know, but I swear I have a point here.  Music has always been a huge part of my life.  It's something that has gotten me through a lot, and will help me get through the challenges that I've been facing lately.  When I say music has been a huge part of my life, I should clarify.  I've been dancing since I was two.  At the time of writing this post, I'm twenty-four... (wow, just got distracted by the fact I'm an adult!).  I've been dancing for twenty-two years.  That's almost 92% of my life.  If I was still in school, I'd know that's an A-, a pretty big deal.  Without music, I couldn't dance (and trip over my own feet).  So it's been super important.

Before the Internet, I would listen to tapes and CDs.  My parents were really into tapes, so I used to have a tape player.  Then when CD players became popular, I asked for CDs but my parents didn't really trust them.  And they were expensive!  So most of the time, I was limited to radio.  Don't get me wrong.  I love the radio.  It's fantastic.  I have my favorite stations.  But sometimes you just want to hear that ONE song that you know is going to turn your day around.  Before I had nothing.

Now, I have YouTube!  I want to hear Brown Eyed Girl and I don't have my iPod, I just plug it into YouTube and I can hear several different versions (which I don't really care about because we all know the original is the best).  And I'm instantly in a good mood.

But sometimes I'm not in the mood to just hear a specific song.  And while I now have all my music on my magical cell phone, sometimes I just want to hear something different.  So I recently jumped on the Pandora Radio bandwagon.  I went there.  It's amazing!  I love how it seems to read my mind and send me songs that I've never heard before but LOVE all while mixing in some old favorites and current hits.  Plus I'm one of those weird people who use too much data for the smaller data plan but comes no where close to the limit of data I pay for.  So I love listening to my Pandora Radio to up my data out of principle.  Yeah, I'm odd like that.

I have a few other Internet loves.  I recently was invited to Pinterest and I'm obsessed!  I'm totally loving it and it's a new distraction when I don't have anything going on and need to relax.  I have a board that's filled with beach pictures, and it's my new relaxing board for when I need to take a chill pill.  I love it!  I'm also actually liking the new Twitter (didn't think I would at first), and I switched to Timeline on Facebook the minute I could so I'm not phased by it.

And my number one reason to be thankful for the Internet?  My Internet peeps!  Between blogging, my support forum, my new friends on Facebook, and all that other goodness, I've found a way to connect to so many people who are going through similar things.  There's nothing sweeter...

How To Respond?

I've been seriously debating what to do after I got that email.  I was so sure that he was going to apologize and he didn't.  I was so sure he'd have some sort of clue.  He didn't.  So now what happens?  I see a few options but I don't like any of them.

I could not respond.  I was leaning towards this at one point.  He'd get the point after a while.  How could he not if I just never emailed him back?  He'd start to figure things out.  I mean, he cut me off of phone calls and text messaging and then waited a week before getting back in touch with me.  He never really acknowledged that what he did was hurtful.  That it would affect me too.  He's just such a downer these days.  All he did in his email was complain about the weather, his job, the Chirstmas shopping he has to do, etc.  So just not responding is an option.  And honestly, it's the easiest way out.  But in saying that, I don't think I could go through with it.  I've read too many stories of people who just cut off contact and what that's done to the other person.  I've read hurt accounts of not knowing what they did wrong.  I don't think I could do that to someone.  I just don't think I can do it.  I'm not that kind of person.  Because while he might have an idea, he made it pretty clear that he legit has no clue how bad last week was for me.  Or maybe he knows and is trying to avoid it.  You never know.

I could send him a "hurt" email.  I ruled this one out a while back, but it's still an option.  The problem with this is that while he would know I'm mad at him, he could fight back via email and I'd never have the original offense in writing.  But he would have my response in writing.  I've learned along the way never to put anything in writing that you wouldn't want shared with the world.  So this option has been discarded.  Even though I think I would feel better for about five days or so.  It's not worth the hurt in the long run.

I could send him an email that just says that I'm finished with our relationship.  It's a very vaild option.  First of all, he'd know why I wasn't responding (because he'd know not to expect anything back).  I wouldn't have to go into detail about it.  Just let him know that I'm not happy and therefore won't be responding anymore.  The issue with this is that like the above reason; I don't have his offense in writing.  Rudy pointed that out to me.  According to him, something like that can be used against me in the future and I'd have no defense (or at least no proof anyway).  So my solution isn't really the best one probably.

Rudy actually came up with the solution I will probably go with.  He thought long and hard about it, and read the email I was sent this week.  He was a) angry that I got that type of response and b) inspired to come up with a solution.  Because the email was so cold and detached, he thinks I should respond in kind.  Keep it short, sweet, detatched, and impersonal.  No emotions.  After a few of these emails, Rudy thinks that my first father will get the point.  The reason being that most of my emails are long and involved and upbeat.  I pour my heart out into them because I type faster than I write so I'm able to get most of my thoughts down.  And I trusted my first father, remember?  So a short email that's cold and detached is very different from my normal response.  And he suggested that I wait a whole week before I send it to him.  No excuses for why I didn't write back right away (like I normally do).  It's a game.  And I hate playing games.  I like to be more honest and upfront with people.  But like Rudy said, clearly my first father is playing some games with me.  So Rudy thinks I should fight fire with fire.  And not just that, but a cold and detached email is a lot easier to write than a long drawn out one (or so he thinks).  And it will take me just a few minutes (that's how short he thinks I should keep it).  If I never get called out on it, it's minimal effort on my part to keep a minimal line of communication open.  I don't have to share anything.

I think I'll get called out on it.  And Rudy already had that figured out too.  He thinks I should write back that I'm not really looking for a pen pal and if that's all I am to him, then it's just not going to work for me.  It's slightly different from telling him off right away, because he'd actually have to ask me about it, which shows that it's not completly unprovoked.  I'm not explaining it well, but I do see the difference.

I have to think about it.  I have a few days before I hit the "week" marker anyway.  I'm so done with everything, but I can see the benefits that Rudy pointed out into maintaining minimal contact.  Besides, if I ever have the chance at a relationship with my sisters, these people are still their parents.  And it would be so challenging to have that relationship without at least being civil to their parents.  Maybe I'll learn how to move on someday.  Right now I never want to see my first father ever again.  I'm so over this.

I made a filter in my email list.  Anything coming from him or my first mother will go directly into the special file I have and skip the inbox.  So I won't know they've emailed me unless I go looking for it.  So I won't have to deal with them whenever they feel like it.  It's going to be on my terms.  And my anxiety level has gone down since I've done that.  I was freaked out before to even look at my phone, especially after NeverTooLate sent me a Thanksgiving email and it came up on my cell phone unexpectedly.

Long and involved post today.  Sorry, just needed to sort some things out.  I just wish I could move on from this whole big mess.

Thank You Fellow Bloggers

One of my monitors

I never thought I'd write this... but I'm kind of sad that November is over.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that the onslaught of sickening promotion of adoption in any form that focuses on finding a child for the family rather than a family for a child.  But I'm sad because for a whole month some of my favorite bloggers were blogging everyday.  I would wake up and find that I had ten new blog posts in my reader.  I'd have so much fun reading them all.  And then at lunch, I'd have another five.  And then before bed there'd be another six.  You get the picture.  Full reader = happy Jenn.

Naturally we had some drama.  It happens.  But I loved reading my fellow bloggers.  I felt I got to know them better.  And in a way, I felt like I was invited into their lives.  When blogging everyday, you have to dig deep to find something worth blogging about.  And sometimes you don't find too much (have you read some of my posts?).  So little details are blogged about here and there that maybe stray a little bit off topic.  I'm sure some people hate that.  I mean, you read a themed blog for the theme right?  I read for the blogger.  So any details they choose to share is appreciated.  It's just that a lot of those details happen to be about something that I enjoy reading about (maybe enjoy is the wrong word... read as a sense of therapy maybe?).  It took me a while (um, nine days maybe?) to figure out what felt so wrong about December.  I'm not the brightest bulb apparently... But I started to realize that the people I've so enjoyed reading are posting less frequently because they have actual lives.  Whoops!  Guess I should have realized that!

I love my fellow bloggers.  And my sidebar has been getting a pretty good workout last month.  So that's really cool.  And honestly?  I walked away feeling like I learned a lot.  There are some really smart people out there blogging.  They are smart in different ways.  Some of them are amazingly intelligent when it comes to academics.  They read these books and get so much out of them, things that I have no hope of understanding.  There are others who have this fantastic ability to read people.  A few of my bloggers notice things about other bloggers that I never picked up on.  I'm not super great at reading people all the time.  So it's amazing to read their insights.  And don't let me forget those who so eloquently put into words what I'm feeling as if they are reading my mind.  I'm not a word person.  I never have been.  You aren't going to find amazing sentences here.  I try so hard but there are typos all over the place.  I'm an engineer.  I'm not known for my writing skills.  So these people who are such amazing writers blow my mind away.  And there are loads of other categories of "smart" I'm just having a hard time coming up with them at this moment (I need caffeine).  And in case you were wondering, my smartness comes from the ability to tell you what everything means if you right click on this page and click "View Source".  See that giant mess?  That's one of the things I'm crazy good at.  Thus why I get annoyed when things don't work the way they are supposed to.  Moving on...

So this is my tribute to you my fellow bloggers.  Thank you for writing.  Thank you for helping me along this journey.  I wouldn't be blogging if it wasn't for you leading the way.  Thank you for inspiring me with your thoughtful posts, your dedication to the next generation of adoptees, and your fearless pursuit of justice for all adoptees.  Your courage and determination is something to be admired.  Thank you.

Adoptive Family Tree

Emotionally I'm pretty washed out.  So I'm writing about something that's completely different today.  My adoptive family tree.

I don't consider it to be my family tree.  In fact, if I haven't met people on the tree, then I don't consider them to be family.  At all..  I never have, and I never will.  Even before I starting dealing with adoption issues, I've never felt connected to them.  Those people are in my parents' pasts, but not mine.  It's interesting for them, but I just find it to be a good story.

When I did my own family tree on Ancestry.com, I felt bad about leaving them out.  Classic adoptee guilt!  Nobody said anything to me, I just internalized it.  So I made one for each of my parents.  Yes, I own four trees on that website.  One's mine, one's Rudy's, one's my mom's, and one's my dad's.  For my adoptive parents, I put in what I knew and worked from there.  I didn't combine them because they don't have biological children to pass that tree onto.  But I figured I could always give it to my cousins and they'd have their tree or at least half of it should they want it.  I digress.

A few weeks ago I got an email that someone private messaged me on Ancestry.com.  Ok, I thought.  It was in regards to my a-dad's family tree.  Which is public.  Turns out this woman had a question about my great-grandmother.  My great-grandmother was a peach.  Not really.  Somehow she grew up with an aunt and uncle.  Nobody knows why that is.  She refused to tell anyone.  Nobody knew anything about her past and if they did, they aren't alive anymore.  All we knew was that she ran off with the butcher boy so her aunt and uncle wouldn't send her to finishing school, had four kids, her only baby girl died, and her husband left her.  She sent her boys off to work at a farm (my grandfather was three at the time) and eventually married the milk man.  I kid you not.  I recently learned that her uncle sent her an allowance every month of $40, which was a lot of money back then.

This person on Ancestry.com was confused because the records show her born to one family, but raised in another.  Sounds an awful lot like adoption to me just without the name change.  In fact, this person would have gotten it completely wrong had my great-grandmother's last name been changed on the records, which would have happened if she was formally adopted.  Go figure.

So I private messaged the lady back and explained that yes, she had the right person and how all those people were connected.  Never heard back.  Rude.

So now that I was back on Ancestry.com after a short break (even though I still pay for it every month), I noticed my mom's family tree had a lot of hints.  So I followed them.  And then holy crap I made a discovery, or what felt like one.  My mom has a very German maiden name.  She's mostly Irish, but the last name is German.  Turns out the name doesn't come from Germany but from Switzerland!  I called my grandfather for confirmation and turns out he knew about it all along.  I guess they just never talked about it.  My dad knew (so my mom knew too) but the younger children in the family didn't.  Because the name is famously German, nobody questioned it.  So naturally I put it up on Facebook and invited everyone to view the tree.  Because a lot of my cousins are about to get to that point where they need it for school.  I'm nothing if not helpful.

No comments thus far on the fact that I didn't list my sister and myself on the tree.  We don't belong there.  I have my own.  But it's not something that we discuss as a family.  So I'm surprised that nobody chose to comment.  I'm also pretty sure some of my cousins have no clue my sister and I are adopted.  So I could see them scratching their heads.

It's a fun hobby.  And I have a few more hints, and I was recently emailed about for Rudy's family tree.  So I have some more fun research ahead of me.  I love this stuff!

Picture Sunday: Week 6

Have I really been doing this for a month and a half?  Cool!  I got a new camera last weekend, so I've been having fun learning how to use it.  My old digital camera broke and I wanted a new one.  My parents gave me cold hard cash for my birthday and the camera I wanted was on sale.  I got a DSLR, so I've had to practice a lot and I'm still getting used to it.  I only have the money now for one lens but I'll eventually be able to buy a few more and really get into photography more, rather than just pointing my point-and-shoot at something pretty and hoping it comes out half way decent.

It's been a busy week, but all of these pictures are from my new camera.  I had to find things around the house, which isn't always easy, but I'm like a kid on Christmas morning with my new camera.  Which is loud.  So my parents keep asking why I take 100 pictures of the same thing because it's not quite right or the composition could be better, or the focus wasn't where I wanted it.  Go figure.

I know, not really an adoption related post, but I'm not giving this up for the stupid month of November.  It's too much fun!  And have fun with pictures of leaves.  At least it's not the beach!

Pine Cone

A leaf

Another group of leaves

And some more

We can't let the indoor plant feel left out...

These pictures are mine.  Ask before using them.  Thanks.

Goal for Tomorrow: Picture!

I've made it a point never to post pictures here.  I don't want to invade my first parents privacy.  And my rule of thumb is that if it's something that a family member of my first family (and therefore my family) could use to figure out that I'm talking about them specifically, then it shouldn't be on here.  At least not publically.  I know where most of them live.  And seeing as I haven't had any blog hits from those areas (though I do have one reader who lives somewhat close to my paternal family down south, as in they use the same airport but that's about it) I don't worry about that too much.  I'm pretty sure seeing pictures of Uncle SinginInTheRain and Aunt NeverTooLate would let the cat out of the bag.  So I don't post them here.  Pretty sure the picture on this post is the only one I've even posted of myself and you can't really see me in it (that's for my adoptive family...).

But I do have pictures.  Lots of them actually.  I have a bunch that NeverTooLate sent me.  Recently I've been getting a lot more from SinginInTheRain thanks to his new phone which he loves to use to take pictures (so they aren't great quality, but at least it's something).  The first pictures I'd seen of my first parents were posted on Facebook.  Go figure.  They were these tiny little previews on the main profile page.  I couldn't get to the bigger ones.  But seeing those pictures was amazing.  I'll never forget it.  For the first time, I saw someone I looked like.  Seriously, I looked like them.  I could see the facial structure.  I could see the hair.  I could see the eyes.  I could see me in both my parents.  It was incredible.

Then I started getting pictures from NeverTooLate.  Pictures of her, pictures of her parents, pictures of his parents, pictures of my siblings, a few of my uncle…  It was so amazing and I printed them all out.  I saved them, I have copies, and they are backed up in about four places.

As I've been coming "out" so to say to my adoptive family about my first family, they all want to see pictures.  So I have a bunch on my i.Pad.  I bring it with me to small family functions (which my adoptive parents don't attend) and show them a few of my favorites (which include a picture of SinginInTheRain and NeverTooLate when they were younger and a recent picture of the four of them).  My family is consistently struck by how much I look like them.  They see it too.

Then I started getting the videos.  I don't have every one of them saved yet, but I'm working on it.  I want to burn them on a DVD or something so I have at least some of the videos archived just in case.  Rudy is the only person to see those, but he was blown away by the similarities and the mannerisms.

My goal for tomorrow is to get a picture of me and SinginInTheRain together.  I've forgotten to take a picture at our other two visits.  Actually, that's a lie.  I had a camera, remembered, but was too scared to ask.  I was too scared that he'd say no.  It would be concrete proof right?  I'm going to ask him for a picture because it's my birthday.  I'm going to take it using my phone because that's less threatening.  I'm secretly hoping he asks for a picture first.  I doubt it but a girl can dream.